 Your taste will tell you about Camel's rich, full flavor. Your throat will welcome Camel's cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight's Camel Show, starring Butt Abbot and Lou Conn. Didn't let them sell you the Brooklyn Bridge. Them so need a Brooklyn Bridge. They'll need a Brooklyn Bridge for $10,000. Yeah. This belongs to the upper crust, you know. You Abbots are a bunch of crumbs. I hear now. Hey, Costello's a high-class family. What do you mean? The Costello's the only family in Paterson, New Jersey whose garbage is gift-wrapped. And the Costello's very wealthy, too. Your house has a 14-carat living room, a 14-carat dining room, and five 14-carat bedrooms. Sell or go? No, sell or carats. Sell or carats? My mouth. You mean a silver spoon? No, nice. We had more money than table manners. In fact, my family hadn't had money ever since I was at the awkward age. The awkward age? The awkward age. Yep, yep, the awkward age. That's when you feel clumsy and homely. Your clothes don't fit you. And girls, girls won't come near you. It started with me, Abbott, when I was about nine. When was it over? I don't know, but I hope soon. You and your family, a bunch of nobodies. Now look at these pictures of the Abbott's. Now, there's a picture of my father. Well, poor dad, he died just before I was born. He must have known what was coming. Now, you never mind that. Never mind. Now, here's a picture of my sister, Olive. Every once she says she looks like Lanetana, Betty Gravel, and Rida Haleth. Roll into one. Yep, and when you unroll her, she looks like Wallace Bush. Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on. Never mind about that, Costello. I'm proud of my family. They're industrious. They all work like bees. I'm glad you said that, Abbott. What do you mean? Because that brings me to my bedtime story for tonight. The story about the grasshopper and the little bee. I'm going to tell it now, and I don't need any help from you, Abbott. You keep your mouth shut in the whole story. All right. I'll tell us the blooming dales and show them what a blooming idiot looks like. All right, Abbott. I've got that one with the story going. Now, look at one of the times. Once upon a time, there was a happy little bee, and he was just about the nicest little bee. Ah, he was a drone. He, he, he, he, he, what? Drone, drone. Yeah, drone. If you drone shut up, I'll have you drone out of the studio. All right, go ahead. Now, this little bee had a girlfriend. And his girlfriend buzzed around every morning and got her stuck from the flowers. No, no, no, no. And of course, stuck from the flowers. That stuff, the bee, the bee and his girlfriend would gather nectar. Did I have that again? Nectar, nectar. Seven-he nectar. Yeah. It was a girlfriend. All right, well, go ahead. Forget about it. Go on with the story. All right, at least two bees were in love with each other. He got married. And one day they had a little from heaven. Uh-uh. It was good for another one. Cut that out and go on. Go on with the story. Now, one day the bees, the bee met a grasshopper and they started talking. And the grasshopper said like this. Wait a minute, wait a minute. He said, uh, wait a minute. Castella, how can a grasshopper talk? A grasshopper talks by rubbing his hind legs together. Oh, now that's silly. Can you do it? Now listen, please do it. You're messing up this whole story. The story of the grasshopper, the bee, is very simple. The moral of the story is, be industrious. Now, I told this story to my brother, Herman, 20 years ago, and he profited by it. Today, he is a very successful man. Yeah. What is your brother, Herman, doing now? Oh, he's at the J&M Dry Cleaning Plant. The J&M Dry Cleaning Plant? What's he doing there? Dying. Dying? That's terrible. I didn't even know he was sick. He's not sick. He's dying. He's dying and he ain't sick? No, that's right. If he was sick, he couldn't be dying. Why not? Well, because it's against the rules of the cleaning plant. Woo! You see, if a man is sick, they won't let him in the place to die. They want him to die out on the street? No, no, no, no. They don't want him to die in the street. When he dies, he has to die on the seventh floor. He's got to die on the seventh floor? Certainly. Is there another thing to enjoy? No. The nerve of the people making a poor guy walk up seven floors and still letting him go home to die. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Because his wife won't let him die at home. Oh, he can't even die in his own house. No, no, no. Now, if there's any dying to be done around the house, his wife does it. Over to my house to die. Oh, he couldn't die at your house. What? Look, Castella, the reason he couldn't die at your house is because you had no die. Tell the people how to die. Tell the people how to die. I say Herman is dying. I don't mean he's dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean he's dying for a living. And a person that dies for a living is living even though he's dying. Oh! Now you've got it. Now I've got it. And when I do, we are the career. I'll never say yes to a new love affair. If you are not there, to share it's lovely day. And through the years, I'll close more. I'd like to visit me. The whole family? Hold them at the time. He can't come. They put him in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. No, no. They can't put him in jail because his wife is as pretty as a picture. They can't even try to hang her on the wall. Now right after breakfast, he took a smile, turned over to back 40, meant five or six miles of ends, dick-a-drained his gits around the barn, picked and prayed a couple hundred grates of apples, pitched five or six tons of hay, weaved the onion patch, cultivated the potatoes, cleaned out the rabbit poops, wiped horse the lawn, grind the vows in the tractor, and zingo! You're ready for lunch. Oh, I do a seat. 40 or 50 pounds of butter, get out the cider press and squeeze out a few barrels of cider. Bail 30 or 40 tons of alfalfa, round up the turkeys, the geese and the guinea hens, spray the apple orchard, clean out the duck pond, fill all the lanterns, bed down the cows, curry the horses, and zingo! You're ready for supper. Well, we haven't, curried horse. Right after supper, you hitch up the horse and buggy and go caught in the farmer's door that lives down the road. She's a gorgeous redhead with beautiful white skin and a luscious figure. She climbs into the buggy beside you. You're right along in the moonlight. The horse knows the way, and suddenly the horse stops. This gorgeous girl flies over close to you on the buggy seat. She puts her arms around you and you put your arms around her. She strokes your hair and you put your head on her shoulder. And then, do you know what you do? Singo, I'm ready for lunch. Hands in the face, hey, look. Hey, look, Castella, here comes Marilyn Maxwell. Oh, Marilyn Maxwell. Hello, Marilyn. Hello, Lewis, honey. Gee, Marilyn, you look wonderful tonight. That's a beautiful sweater you're wearing. Oh, do you like it? I made it myself. It's really a man's sweater. A man's sweater? You coulda fooled me. Right. Don't go away, Marilyn. Castella's relatives are coming over from New Jersey. And I'm sure you'd like to meet them. Well, I certainly would. Ah, Lewis, someday you and I will be married. And I'll be the wife, and you'll be the husband. Marilyn, I wouldn't have it any other way. Global personality. Just a minute, broccoli. What would you suggest for our program? I'd have a McGee and Molly cutting a long underwear crowd, but the stuff you're throwing went out with the high button shoes, Mac. Broccoli is right. You better listen to it, Louis. What your audience needs is young blood. If you don't get broccoli out of here, they're going to get some. Oh, please. Please, folks, you've got a program to do. Would you mind waiting outside till we're finished? Client, dudes. May I tell Louis the sketch that you have written for us to do with him tonight? Oh, wait a minute. We can't do that. My sponsor wouldn't like it. All right. If your sponsor means more to you than we do. Where you going? We're just a correlation. Now, wait a minute. You haven't kicked us around. We don't care. Aunt May, wait a minute. We can't do nothing to you. Aunt May, wait a minute. I'll do anything you say. Oh, good boy, Louis. I was only asking to prove to you that I'm a great actress. Didn't I sound like Lauren Bakalak? Broccoli, what are we going to do? OK, give me the sketch here, May. Brand new love story entitled, Beside the Chalamar Under the Garden Gate, Waiting in the Cottage Small By a Waterfall and Green Point, Where the sea is sunny and the dawn comes up Like flying fish in a good old summertime. Good night, folks. We're a little late. I ain't going to do it. Sorry, in this sketch, you make love to Marilyn Maxwell. I still do. You make love to a nice guest. Oh, well, you'll have to give me time to think it over. OK. Let me see that thing, will you? Castella, this looks good. Look, the scene opens with you and Marilyn in a canoe drifting down a beautiful stream. You're in the story and she's in the bow. Can't you make it a rowboat and get us both in the backseat? I'll see a canoe. Then rip out all the sheets and make it every man for himself. Quiet. Marilyn looks into your eyes and says, come to me, Louis. Come to me, my love. I dropped the paddle and make for her. No, no, you don't drop the paddle. But I can buy a new paddle for a buck and a half. No, no, no, not yet. You park the canoe under a clump of willow trees because that's where you're going to kiss her. And you know that no one can see you. Oh, am I a stinker? No, no, no, now. Now, Marilyn lean forward. Her lips are potted. She says, I'm yours from now on. And now, do you know what you do? Singo, I'm ready for lunch. I'm the village idiot. That's what I am. Please, Castella, you look at Marilyn. Slowly you begin inch away, way forward, inch by inch, inch by inch. Get me over there. I only rented the boats for an hour. Now the moment has come. You're underneath the clump of trees. You take her in your arms. You look up suddenly. You see that a tree is beginning to fall. You don't want her to be frightened by the falling tree, so you whisper tenderly in her ears. Louis, my boy, that's the kind of writing that belongs to the ages. Yes, the ages between five and seven. Dad, take that sketch away from the mommies. Two bulls will last it up anyway. Neither one of them knows how to act. Why, you little one? Wait a minute, Abbot, don't, don't. Let me talk to the boy. Broccoli, come here to your Uncle Louis. How would you like to be on a radio with me? Now you're talking sense. What do I do? Well, you can help me with my imitation. The first one will be that of the Australian orc. An Australian orc? How do we do it? Just put your neck between my two hands. That's it. From that for Golden Bear, producers of Lady in the Lake, for camel fans everywhere, apparently. And when you try a camel on your T-zone, your taste will register the pleasure of camel's rich, full flavor of superbly blended-choice tobaccos. Your throat will register the pleasure of camel's own cool mildness. So why don't you try a camel on your T-zone now? See if you don't exclaim like so many other happy smokers, camel suit my T-zone to a T. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Tell her, I hope you're satisfied. You brought your relatives over, broke up our show, probably got us wrong with the sponsor and allowed your nephew, Broccoli, to publicly insult me. Me, your best friend. Why, why, why do you do things like that? How? Too late, Marilyn. I've probably never seen him again. They did a terrible thing. I'm afraid they got us in wrong with our sponsor. Well, Lewis, honey, what do your relatives do in New Jersey? They're jiggers in a burly show. Can they do a dancing ass? No, they stand outside of the burly show when the police come, they holler, all kidding aside, Merlin, I love my family and I love my neighbors too. I love everybody. What a perfume. Oh, that's nothing, Merlin. But a quarter of the fellas only buy their girls a dram. But I'm the kind of guy that just don't give a dram. Oh, that's nothing at it. Nobody can be too good to their folks. It's family. And he wants to talk to you. Here it comes, here it comes. Go ahead. Hello. There's your sponsor. I heard your family on the show tonight and I want you to know. Please, Mr. Sponsor, it isn't my fault. But I want to agree. I'm sorry about the whole thing. I'm sorry it happened. Mr. Sponsor, I didn't know. Now, just a minute, just a minute. Mr. Sponsor, I promise you it will never happen again. We want it to happen again. Those people are funnier than you are. You should take them to California with you. Goodbye. The Camel Cigarette Center total of more than 150 million free camels who are fighting men overseas. Now, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Tuskegee, Alabama, US Army Children General Hospital, Fort Dix, New Jersey, US Naval Hospital, Bremerton, Washington, US Marine Hospital, Portland, Maine, and Veterans Hospital, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Camel broadcasts throughout the United States three times a week. A re-broadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and who are good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, here are Bud Abbott and Luke Castello over the final word. Well, Castello, next week we'll be back broadcasting from Hollywood. Do you think the folks will be glad to see us, Luke? Abbott, the last time I went back, they welcomed me with a big celebration. They burned a street car in my honor. They did? Yes. Fortunately, I got out of it just in time. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, big lady. Be right home this week, mom. And I, baby. Pipe appeal. That's what Prince Albert's smoking tobacco gives a pipe. Say thousands of happy Prince Albert smokers. Yes, it's Prince Albert that has the rich, full-bodied flavor that smokers love. It's Prince Albert that combines that rich flavor with cool mildness. Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. So remember those initials, PA. They stand for Prince Albert and for pipe appeal. Saturday night, be sure to hear Prince Albert's grand old opera with its sensational singer of American folk songs, Red Foley. Tune in to NBC Saturday night for grand old opera with a duke of a duke, mini pearl, and Red Foley. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show from Hollywood brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, try Camels in your T-zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to appeal. C-A-M-E-L-S. America's housing shortages return veterans and their families harder than anyone else. And although a record-breaking building program is underway, the need is so tremendous that it'll be some time before the shortage is eased. You can help the veteran by sharing your home if you have extra space, by giving veterans first chance at renting or buying, by listing vacancies with your local veterans' housing center, and by not discriminating against veterans with children. This is Berg Park in New York, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels.