 Lux presents Hollywood. Lux Radio Theatre brings you Bob Hope, Constance Bennett, and Ralph Bellamy in The Awful Truth. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil V. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. In the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. And although it's still winter on your calendar and mine, it's spring in the heart of Bob Hope tonight. He's here with Constance Bennett and Ralph Bellamy to bring us The Awful Truth, a gay comedy that gives Bob plenty of scope as a Romeo. You'll remember The Awful Truth as a Columbia picture hit, and we've adapted it especially for these three stars. I won't tell you how many dozen scripts and thousands of feet of film were left along the wayside before we picked this play. But it was worth all the trouble when the irrepressible Mr. Hope began rehearsing his romantic role with Miss Bennett for inspiration and Mr. Bellamy for opposition. It's a brand new chapter in the Hope saga. In fact, I think we're making history. Bob's success story is amazing even for Hollywood, but there's another success story that concerns the Lux Radio Theatre too. It happened in Hollywood and it's happened in just about every other city, town, village or crossroads between here and wherever your loud speaker is. And it's happening still in every day. That's the success story of Lux Toilet Soap. And the stars of this particular success are listening to the Lux Radio Theatre right now. I say stars because it's not a single person. It's every one of you who uses Lux Toilet Soap. And that must be almost as many stars as are visible on a clear California night. Now we give you the story of Jerry and Lucy Warriner and their stormy voyage along the course of true love, one of the happiest hurricanes that we've ever sailed with. You see, it takes more than a singing teacher, a dog named Mr. Smith and an oil millionaire to stop Bob Hope. The house lights are down. The curtain goes up and here's the first act of the awful truth. Starring Bob Hope as Jerry Warriner, Constance Bennett as Lucy and Ralph Bellamy as Dan. The sun lamp room of a Manhattan Athletic Club. Hank the attendant is busy piling towels on the shelf as a young man in gym trunks makes a hurried entrance. The young man is Jerry Warriner. Jerry is tall and usually has a healthy look about him. But just now his skin is the color of old parchment and there are two beautiful dark circles beneath his eyes and they are not from overwork. With a sigh and a groan, he stretches out on the table. Well, good morning, Mr. Warriner. How are you this morning? Swell, swell, and I do mean my head. How do I look? Well, you look a little, uh, well... Never mind. Just make me look good. Come on, unpack those bags under my eyes. Turn on the sun lamp and give it all she's got. Well, about 15 minutes on each side is all I'd recommend, Mr. Warriner. 15 minutes, nothing. I've got to get a deep floor to tan if it takes all afternoon. Give it the juice. Well, okay. Had a boy all aboard for Miami Palm Beach and points out. And Hank, don't forget to turn me over when I'm done. Hi, Jerry. Hi, Frank. I heard you were in here. Well, maybe you'd like to play a little squash. Squash. That's all I need is a little squash. I haven't even got the strength to squish. Hey, you're awfully white-skinned for a guy who just spent two weeks in Florida. How come you didn't get tanned anyplace? Large smoke glasses. Oh, carry a parasol? Or didn't you go? Uh, uh, uh, uh, careful. Don't let an idea like that get around. Oh, I get it. Pulling a fast one on the little wife, huh? Look, Frank, I'm surprised at you. I'm supposed to have been in Florida. Now, suppose one of Lucy's friends say, why isn't he tanned? Lucy's going to be embarrassed. Well, I'm going to be tanned and Lucy's not going to be embarrassed. And what my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. Or me either. What was it? A poker crypt? Sure, a fellow's got to bust out once in a while. Assert is independence. Boy, did I assert it. You certainly look it. But I'll bet you wouldn't like Lucy to pull a stunt like that on you. Why not? A person doesn't have to stop being an individual just because he gets married. Maybe. Anyhow, how about coming over to my house for breakfast? We were all out late last night and some of the gang are stopping by. I've got a much better idea. Everybody come to my place. Lucy'll fix up a swell breakfast for us and maybe after we can leave the women flat and play some golf. What do you say? I'm convinced. See you later. Ladies and gents, come on in. The joint is yours. Jerry, that sunburn for your positively vermilion. Wait till Lucy sees what Florida did for you. Hey, where is she? Lucy, it's your brown as a very Jerry. You who Lucy, surprise. You who Lucy. Why, Lucy, how you've changed. Hello, dog of mine. How you been? Where's mama? Where is he? Welcome back, Mr. Warner. Hello, Celeste. Would you tell Mrs. Warner I'm here? I'm sorry, sir. Mrs. Warner is not at home. She's not at home? Wait, I'm in a folks quiet. Say, where'd she go? I don't know, sir. She said she was going to a music recital. Well, when did she leave? I'm not sure, sir. I think last night. Last night? No one could take that many encores. You mean she hasn't been home since... okay, never mind. What's the matter, Jerry? No welcoming arms? A greet you this trip? Oh, mind your own business. Will you come to think of it? She probably ran up to her Aunt Patsy's cabin in the mountains. She usually does if she gets lonely. She's got beaver blood in her. Suppose her Aunt Patsy wasn't home? I get it. Very funny. I'm up to my neck and funny people. Now, seriously, I wish Lucy would go out and get some fun for herself now and then do her good. That's the trouble with marriage. People are always imagining things and the next thing you know, they end up in a divorce court. The broad-minded man from Miami. Well, if you think you're going to get a chance to prove my broad-mindedness, you're crazy. She's up at Aunt Patsy's cabin and I'll bet on her. Saying, is that a spot? Hello, everybody. At Aunt Patsy's cabin, eh? Well, there's Patsy now. Some fun, eh? Oh, shut up. Hello, Patsy. How did you get here? By invitation, Lucy invited me yesterday on the phone. Say, what is this? Lucy invites me? No Lucy. Where is she? That, it seems, is a $64 question. Hello, everybody. Lucy, hey, Lucy. Hello, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Oh, gee, it's good to see you. Oh, darling, it's grand. You're looking marvelous. Oh, I nearly forgot Amon. Amon, come on in and meet everyone. Amon's the best music teacher a woman ever had. Aren't you, Amon? Thank you, my dear. Tell you, you know Amon Leval, of course. Oh, yes, I never forget a two-page. So you teach music, huh? Yes. I didn't know there was any left. Everybody else is as Amon. How do you do it? How do you do it? Well, now that we're all introduced, I can relax. Oh, Amon, I've had the most terrible time, Jerry. I imagine you must have. Where was the recital? It's silly. What do you mean? Well, I didn't know they had recitals in the morning and that you went to them in evening clothes. Pretty formal, isn't it? Amon does look silly and tailed at this time of the day, doesn't he? On the contrary, I think Amon would look natural with a tail anytime. He had such an awful night. Why, did somebody sink fantasy? Oh, stop it, darling. You don't know what happened. Amon's car broke down a million miles from nowhere. He had to park me at a farmhouse and hike to the nearest town to get them to tow the car. And he had to stay there and hang around garages and things to pick me up in the morning and bring me home. Oh, it was dreadful. We were coming home from a party. You stole that plot from Philadelphia's story. You understand, don't you? Oh, sure, sure. But just to make sure, I'm going to run upstairs and write a letter to Dorothy Dix. Mr. Warner, you have the continental mind. Sure, that's it. I've got a continental mind. Oh, Lucy, dear, I'm so sorry. I'll have to run so soon. Oh, stick around. The party hasn't even started yet. We're going to open a bottle of 7-Up. Oh, sure, sure, we will. You probably want to talk to Lucy. Come on, people. Give you all a hit. Well, Mr. LaValle, why didn't you let Frank give you a hitch? I wanted to explain. You see, Mr. Warner, the next time I take your wife out, I hope... I hope you buy a new car, else I'll loan you mine. Are you hungry? Well, yes, I am starved. Well, why don't you run out and get some breakfast? A fellow like you should take care of himself, sitting in drafty garages all night. Mr. Warner, what have I done? That's what I'm going to find out. Jerry, you... you don't believe that... We'll discuss this in private. Please, that is of Mr. LaValle. Can you remember where we keep our door? Very well. Perhaps it is best this way, Lucy. Will I see you soon? Of course. You've all been so perfect. Thank you for everything. And Mr. Warner, I think you must be out of your continental mind. That was pretty funny at that. I mean what he just said. Very funny. I haven't laughed so much since you wore your last hat. Well, he's gone. You can speak freely, darling. Well, Lucy, what have you got to say for yourself? Smart, aren't you? Well, I knew you'd say that, and I'm prepared to answer. Armo was invited to the party by a young man whose sister is a pupil of Armo's. Armo invited me to go along. I went because I could think of nothing better to do. Believe it or not, I was lonely. And then the car broke down. Yes, his car is very old. So is his story. I've used it myself. Before we were married, I mean. Do you want me to go on? Sure, let's have all the morbid details. I've got a grudge against myself. What happened next? Well, I stayed at the farmhouse. I slept badly because of insufficient blankets. Twice during the night, I sneezed. Now, let me see. Was there anything else? Yes, the rooster said gazon height. Lucy, this situation isn't as amusing as you think it is. If you had the sense to see it, you'd know that our marriage is teetering on the edge of a cliff while you're trying to be funny. I guess our marriage doesn't mean anything to you. Maybe you have no sentiment left for me. Look at this on the table. A letter I wrote you from Florida. You didn't even open it. Oh, I'm sure you wrote the letter, darling. But are you sure you mailed it? Wasn't it some friend of yours in Miami? What are you talking about? Darling, I don't like to be unpleasant. But you weren't in Florida. Don't change the subject. At least not in that direction. You weren't in Florida and you weren't in Montreal that time you said you were going there. Once you even had the letters mailed from the wrong place. Dear Lucy, Charleston is such a quaint city. If you were in Charleston, how come you mailed this letter from Perth Amboy in New Jersey? Well, I always take a walk before breakfast. But you can't justify your behavior by insinuating things about me. But I haven't any behavior to justify. I've just been unlucky, that's all. You came home and caught me in the truth and, well, it seems there's nothing less logical than the truth. Or philosophy. You don't believe me? How can I believe you? Listen, Jerry, don't you see that there can't be any doubt in marriage? The whole thing is built on faith. And, well, if you've lost that, you've lost everything. Yeah, and I suppose when that's gone, the marriage is washed up, isn't it? Do you mean that? Sure. Well, I guess that settles it. I guess it does. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. I wouldn't go on living with you if you were dipped in platinum. So go on. Divorce me. You're no bargain, even if I did meet you in a dollar day. Divorce you? Are you crazy? You think I want people to think you preferred that eight-bar rest to me? All right, then. I'll divorce you. That's customary, anyway. It has something to do with the husband being a gentleman. Never mind the gentleman stuff. Just get going on. Fine. I'll call the lawyer right away. And, by the way, darling, what's the most convenient day for you to be divorced? Granted, interlocutor, a decree of divorce to the plaintiff, Lucy Warner. Divorce of not further contestant will become final in 90 days from this date. That'll be all. For one moment, Your Honor. There's one matter still unsettled. According to my client, Mr. Warner, it's the matter of... It's the matter of Mr. Smith. Yes, Your Honor. Mr. Smith. And who is Mr. Smith? Mr. Smith is... Mr. Smith is my dog. He's mine. He is not. Silence! But Mr. Smith belongs to me and she's got him. I told you to keep quiet. Oh, ignore him, Your Honor. I told you he was impossible to get along with. Don't listen to Mrs. Warner. The dog is mine. I bought a license for each of them. Quiet! Let's have the facts now. The animal at present is in Mrs. Warner's possession. Mr. Warner wishes to have him because... Because he's mine. He is not. He is so. He is not. He is so. Silence! There seems to be a custody case. In custody cases, we frequently permit the final decision to rest with the... the dog. Yeah, but suppose he wants to live with both of us. Which end will I get? As if I didn't know. Silence! Hey, let's have the dog brought in. The custody of the dog will depend upon his own desires. And let me warn you. Neither of you must use any false means of influencing the animal's decision. Unfasten the dog, please. Now, you may each call the dog. Come on, sir. Come to me. Come to mama. Mr. Smith came to me, Your Honor. Custody of the dog is awarded to Mrs. Warner. What? Wait a minute! He's suffering from amnesia. Silence! Good day, Your Honor. You, wait a minute. Come back here, you. You mean me? Yeah. What's that Mr. Smith has in his mouth? Why, it looks like a rubber bone, doesn't it? Well, it ain't no upper plate. Where'd he get it? I, uh, always know it was his favorite bone. Where'd he get it? Well, how would I know? You'd stooped anything. You hid that bone under your handbag. Mr. Smith smelled it and came in on the beam. You think you're going to get a waveform like me like that? Get him. I've got him, darling. Bye. Is it doing anything besides falling? I don't think so. Nothing unusual ever happens around here. If I'd known we were going to be buried side by side, I'd never have consented to take an apartment with you. But I needed you, Aunt Patsy. You know the period of readjustment that comes in the wake of a divorce? Readjustment my foot. That's just another word for moping around. Oh, don't be silly, Patsy. Why, you know dozens of men who turn hand springs at the chance to take you out. But no, you'd rather sit around and readjust yourself. Oh, you're just an old grouch, that's all. Yeah, well, this old grouch wants to go somewhere where there's life, and I don't mean plant life. Well, we can't go out without escorts, so that's that. Lucy, I don't need an escort to go down to the lobby. I'm going down to the newsstand and see Joe. He may be funny-looking, but he's a man. Maybe he knocks off early. Patsy, you wouldn't. I wouldn't say. You're talking to a desperate woman. Well, I guess I've read pretty nearly everything here, Joe. Oh gee, I'm sorry, ma'am. Hmm, and I'm so bored. It's too bad they stopped printing zippy stories. Yes, ma'am, that's what my wife says. Oh, their wife. Well, that settles that. Pardon me, but did that cop that come in at the Tulsa, Oklahoma bugle? Sorry. Sorry, Mr. Leason, I guess maybe there's something wrong with the mail. Oh, that's too bad. Shucks. Looks like I won't find out how he did at the Rodeo. Oh, how do, ma'am? Oh, how do you do? I hope you don't think I'm fresh, ma'am. My name's Dan Leason, room 1214. Me and Mamar see you coming in and going out sometimes. Oh, we've noticed you, too. No fooling. Well, say, who's that beautiful girl who's with you sometimes? She has a dog and, well, she's beautiful. That's my niece, Lucy. She's just a little homebody. No. Say, I wonder if you'd do me a favor. Why, of course I would, Mr. Leason. What is it? Well, I'm a stranger in town, and me and Mamar don't know any folks. I think it's just wonderful that we met this way. Oh, Lucy, may I present Mr. Leason? Mr. Leason, this is my niece you were so anxious to meet. Her name is Lucy Warren. How do you do? How do you do, ma'am? Mr. Leason's from Oklahoma, Lucy, and he'd take it as being right neighborly of us if we'd show him some of the bright spots. Well, it's raiding rather hard. Mr. Leason lives right across the hall with his mother. Isn't that what you said with your mother? Yeah, with Mamar. We're here on a visit. I got 30 oil wells out near Tulsa. How lubricating. Please, tell us about Oklahoma, Mr. Leason. Well, we all think Oklahoma's pretty darn swell. We think... Oh, there's the door. I'll get it. Yes, Mr. Leason. Like I was saying, Oklahoma is pretty darn swell. That's Matthew. Oh, Jerry. Well, how's the old girl still hitting the adrenaline? Tell me, how you stand in the rainy weather? Uh-huh, we never let an occasional drip bother us come right in. Matthew, where's Lucy? Oh, you've got company, huh? Well, well, hello, Lucy. Hello. What do you want? I'll just read this little legal document. I guess it'll explain things better than I could. What's this? It's a writ. That's what it is. The court just ruled that I'm allowed to borrow my dog anytime I want. It's sort of a lend-leash bill. It reads that I can visit with him and entertain him in any form or manner that does not endanger life or limb. Oh, so now I suppose you've come to take him bicycling. No, I've tried that. As far as don't reach the pedals. Hey, Smitty, where are you? Where are you, Smitty? Come to Papa, Smitty. I'll go get him for you. Miss Warner, maybe I'd better leave. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Leason. This is my husband. Oh, I mean, oh! Well, he's only my husband for how much longer is it? 60 days. A 59. How are you, Mr. Leason? Howdy. I'm glad to know you. Excuse me, what did you say? I said, I'm glad to know you. Well, how can you be glad to know me? I know how I'd feel if I was sitting with a girl and her husband walked in. I'll bet you do. What's that supposed to mean? Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Anyway, I'm glad to see you, Mr. Leason. You known Lucy very long? Lucy? Yeah, Lucy, my wife. Well, no. As a matter of fact, I'm a stranger here. I'm from Oklahoma. No. That's right. I'm an oil. What's that? I said, I'm an oil. Oh, marinated, eh? Well, really. Jerry, why don't you go play with the dog? Oh, sure. Where is he? Hey, Mr. Smith. See his master's voice. G.O. Phillips, good to see you. Oh, stop licking his face, Jerry. Look what I brought you, your old leather strap. Come on, old fella, let's have a tug of war. You were doing this about the home of Mr. Leason. Well, I'm really a man of many interests out there, Mrs. Warner. Oil is my main business, of course, and I can't complain about that. It's treated me fine. Then I have a big warrant, more of a hobby. Tell him playing yo-yo with a cat. What could that possibly be? Long tail. Come on. Please go on. Well, this ranch is just outside of Tulsa. I have just about everything there. Did you drop your teeth again? Yes, get his rubber bone for him. He loves that bone. Yeah, I remember. Where is it? In the closet, right there. Just keep looking. Why don't you run along with Mr. Leason? Patsy, let me out of here. I'm locked in. Say, is anything wrong? Oh, no. That's just a game Mr. Warner has with the dog. Oh. Where'd she go? Who? I know what's going on, Patsy. You're trying to cook up something between my wife and that marinated herring. And are they chowder? Your wife? She's still my wife for 60 days. 59. All right, 59, but she's still my wife. Do you understand? And what are you going to do about it? You'll find out what I'm going to do. Stick around a watch. I've got some rights around here. Of course, Jerry. To entertain Mr. Smith in any form or manner. Boy, they sure misnamed you Patsy. They should have called you Patsy. In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars Bob Hope, Constance Bennet and Ralph Bellamy will bring us act two of The Awful Truth. Meantime, let's reenact a little scene that took place in a big office just after lunch the other day. Hello, Sue. Well, what's got you looking so starry-eyed? Boyfriend taking you to lunch? Mabel, who do you think was in the elevator when I went down to lunch? Madeline Carroll. Really? No kidding. I heard she was in town, ma'am. I was standing right next to her. She got on at the eighth floor with a couple of very important-looking men. And Mabel, she was dressed just as plain as you or I. I mean, she had on a tailored suit and a little felt hat. Oh, but Mabel, I'm telling you, she certainly has got glamour. Is she as good-looking right close as she is on the screen? I got a wonderful chance to see you standing so close. Real blonde hair, big blue eyes, and Mabel, what a complexion. Smooth, and I mean smooth. Mabel, you know what I'm going to do tonight on the way home? What? Get some luck soap. Madeline Carroll always uses it, you know. And from now on, I'm not missing a single day on my luck soap care. And I don't mean maybe. Smart young Sue. It's a fact, you know, that Madeline Carroll, like nine out of ten other Hollywood stars, cares for that exquisite complexion of hers with regular use of gentle white luck toilet soap. In her own words, this is what she says. Complexion beauty should be cherished. I've found the right care for my skin. Active lather facials with luck soap really work for me. And if you were to ask Madeline Carroll how to take a luck soap active lather facial, here's what she'd tell you. Pat the luck soap lather lightly into your skin. Rinse with warm water, then with cool. Pat dry with a soft towel. Now see how fresh your skin looks. There is a simple, inexpensive beauty routine any woman can follow, and right in her own home. It takes just a few minutes, you know. So why don't you try these luck soap facials for 30 days? Just see if this gentle care doesn't leave your skin feeling smoother, softer. Remember, a soap used by famous screen stars, the world's loveliest women, just has to be something special. So, get three cakes of luck's toilet soap tomorrow. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille, act two of the awful truth, starring Bob Hope as Jerry Warriner, Constance Bennett as Lucy, and Ralph Bellamy as Dan. It's morning, a few weeks after Jerry's hectic visit. Across the breakfast table in their lonely apartment, Anne Patsy is looking at her niece with an expression of growing horror. What did you say, Lucy? I said, of course I like Dan, Lisa. Why shouldn't I? He's sweet and thoughtful. Well, you should be the last one to object. You introduced me to him, after all, only because he was a man who could take us out. I didn't expect you to get silly about him. Is it silly to like a man who's sane and considerate? I was married to one of those gay, romantic types, and one is enough. Your toast is burning. Lucy, do you know what rebound is? That business of trying to get over one love affair by bouncing into love with somebody else? It's fine, except the rebound is rarely the real thing. There's the first bounce, the second bounce, and, well, look at me, you wind up like an old tennis ball. I tell you, I'm serious about Dan, Lisa. He's a fine person. I like him very much. And I'm all through with Jerry. He doesn't mean a thing to me, not a thing. I don't love him, and what's more, I probably never did. I guess that surprises you, doesn't it? I hate Jerry Warner. And I like Dan, Lisa, very, very much. I can hardly wait to see him tonight, and I hope he's just as mad about me because I think he's the finest man I've ever met. Lucy... I know. My toast is burning. Goodness, Mr. Warner, I think it's simply wonderful of you all to come here just to hear me sing. Yes, I could listen to you sing till the cows come home. What time do they usually get here? Oh, Mr. Warner, you're all so sweet and all that, but you always seem to have your mind on something else. Oh, maybe it's someone else. Am I right, Sugar Pie? Yes, I'm in love with love. In the spring, a young man's fancy lightly turns to what he's been thinking about all winter. How long have you been talking like Amos Nandy? Oh, for a long time. It helps me in my work. Well, shut my mouth. You shut it. You're nearer to what than I am. Gorgeous creature just coming in. Where? Oh, that creature. Well, you've heard that gag that's flying around town. Who was that lady I saw you with? You mean that's no lady? That's your wife? Uh-huh. That's my wife. Okay, Lucy, sit down. Come on over and meet my better half before the odds drop. Hello, folks. Oh, hello. This is Miss Dixie Belly. This is Mrs. Warner, and this is Mr. Leason from Tulsa. Flowing gold, Leason. He's a big oil man. Oh, an oil man. I wouldn't know. Ask my wife. I didn't have to meet y'all. Now, you're sure we're not intruding. What do you mean? Well, wouldn't you like us to have a drink? Why? Thanks, Dan. I will. Yes, of course. Sit down, Dixie. Well, now isn't this cozy? So you two are going to be married, eh, Lucy? Well, I always approve of marriage. I think it's a wonderful way to spend a few weeks. And I was glad when I heard about it. I said to myself, that Leason's just the man for Lucy, and then I said to myself, you're nuts. Oh. Pay no attention to him. He's always talking to himself. Um, this is a charming place, don't you think, Miss... Uh, Dixie Belly. Do you like it, honey? I'm so glad, because I kind of feel the place is mine. Oh, do you come here often? Oh, I work here. Did you all know that? No. See, you're from the south, aren't you? Now, isn't he just the cleverest yet? How'd you all ever guess that, Mr. Man? Oh, he's pretty fast in his feet, this fella. But you see, folks, Dixie Belly isn't her real name. No. No, no, she changed it because her family objected to her going to show business. You see, it was quite a shock to them because they made all their money tilting pinball machines. Isn't that right, Dixie? Well, that's right. Well, I guess I better go now and get into my costume. Reckon y'all can stay to see my... Of course we'll stay. Y'all can go drag us away. We'll see you later, sugar pie. I'll be here, sponge cake. Uh, she... She seems like quite a nice girl, Jerry. Oh, she is, but wait till you hear her sing a golden throat. That's what I keep coming here all the time just to listen to her. How faithful of you. Does she really sing awful good? Well, I don't think her singing's up to Lucy's, but Dixie has a sort of elf and charm, a je ne sais quoi, if you know what I mean and I don't. Um, Dan, dear, don't you think you ought to ask Jerry about it now? About what? About our mind, Jerry. You know our coal mine. It's our last time, Jerry, and, well, I was telling Mr. Leeson how badly it was doing, and he thought maybe he could do better with it. That's right. I'd like to gamble on it, Mr. Warner. I'm pretty lucky. Know what they call me out west? Yeah, is that why you came east? Say, how about us having a conference at my apartment tomorrow? Well, I don't know. I'll have to think about it. It's with great pleasure that I present that great little artist, Miss Dixie Belly. She's pretty, isn't she, Freddie? She sure is. The costume's a little short, isn't it? Yeah, it's a southern costume, short of a lily cup with a bustle. Listen to this. This is great. It's a trouble, Lucy. But, Lucy, we can't walk out in the middle of Miss Leeson singing. Don't you like her, Lucy? No, I just love her. I can see where it was a lot easier for her to change her name than for her whole family to change theirs. Come on, Dad. Well, if you want her, Lucy, I always wanted to be a miner. I'll be there, brother miner. Keep a light burning in your hat. It's in history with me. By the way, Lucy, I searched all over for the report McCall made before we bought it, but I couldn't find it. You must have it. No, perhaps I have. When you get a chance, take a look through your stocking drawer. You know, Dan, she always hides important things in the top drawer of her dresser. She does? Oh, sure. That's an old habit of hers. Every legal paper we ever had smelled of sachet. Even our marriage certificate smelled. Jerry. How about the mine? Oh, yes, the mine. Now, here's the prospectus. Good afternoon. Oh, come on in, Ma. Come in. Hello, Mrs. Leeson. Good afternoon, Lucy. Guess you don't know this fella here. He's Jerry Warriner, Ma. Hello. Warriner? You mean that... that he is? Yes, that's right, Ma. He's the one. Well, I'm seeing you here, Mr. Warriner. Is it? Well, it's funny seeing you anywhere. I met some people today and they spoke about you and, uh, about Lucy. They knew you both before the divorce. Oh, I imagine you were running the scads of people who did. They spoke very well of you, Mr. Warriner. They said you were a real gentleman. Well, you can't please everybody. They talked about Lucy, too. Ah, it's good not to be forgotten by your old friends. You know, Lucy, as many times as I've heard your fine singing, I never realized that you must have had a friend. You know, Lucy, as many times as I've heard your fine singing, I never realized that you must have had a teacher. Mm-hmm. They tell me he's been teaching you for some time, and, uh, he's a very romantic type. Mm-hmm. The woman I was talking to told me that, uh, well, no matter. What's that? Now, look at this map, Lisa. You see, there's a new opening in the northern side. Here, I'll show you the prospectus. Jerry, I think I ought to tell you that nobody's listening to you. I know you're a large audience, but what could possibly be more interesting than the war in her mind? The war and a divorce. The gal's name needs clearing, partner. That's ridiculous. Is it really? Mrs. Lisa, our divorce was one of those tragedies you read about in the newspapers. A trusting woman and a worthless man. Lucy is above suspicion and always has been. She is as pure as the driven snow and as faithful as she is, fair. I tell you, something wonderful but it's an awful feeling. It's like not being home when the pot of gold calls. I know just how you feel, Mr. Warner. How do you know? How can you know how I feel to have used up the best years of a woman's life? Well, folks, that's the way it goes. I'll be leaving now. Excuse me, ma'am, you're sitting on my prospectus. Huh? Oh, sorry. I'll be going now. Take good care of her, Dan, won't you? I'm sure you'll be happy out where the west begins. All three of you. Goodbye now and give my regards to the Lone Ranger. Hello. Hello, Lucy? Yes? Lucy, this is Jerry. I've got to see you tonight. I'm sorry, Jerry. Listen, Lucy, it's important. We've had enough of this foolishness. I want to talk things over. Well, you're not going. I'm sorry, Jerry. Listen, you're still my wife. If I find you with that Laval bird, I'll tear him limb from limb. Do you hear? What? Operator, return my slug. I want to see Mr. Armand Laval. Oh, I'm sorry. Recital going on. Is my wife in there? Oh, plenty of people. I don't know. Well, let me go see. Oh, no, sorry, sorry. You cannot go in. Listen, who are you to tell me where I can go? I'm Mr. Laval, Filipino boy. Yeah, we'll stand back. No, no, no. I'll stop you. Oh, you will, eh? How? Oh, uh, Jiu Jitsu, you go push past me, I take your hand like this. Yeah, and then what? I go like this around for my right leg. Sorry, I'm not mean to hurt. I know a few Jiu Jitsu tricks of my own. Oh, is that so? Yeah, I put my hand like this, see? And then I do like this. No, no, no, no. But like this much better. Oh! I win again. Yeah, well, you haven't seen the last of me. I'll be back and give you what you deserve. As soon as I can get my hip back inside my skin. Armand Laval got to do with this. Why is he coming here? Because I sent for him. You said that. I still say why. He ruined your last happy home. That's just it. There isn't going to be any Oklahoma deal. Huh? I'm not going to marry Dan Leeson. Why not? Because I'm still in love with that crazy lunatic Jerry Warren and there's nothing I can do about it. There's... I'm a jibbering idiot. I'm a mad woman. Betsy, stop it. There he is now. Oh, good evening, Amor. Good evening, Lucy. I got your call. What is the trouble? Look, Amor, sit down. It's about Jerry. Ah, yes, your husband. He's a very funny man, yes? Yes, he is. But I'm convinced he still cares about me or he wouldn't do the funny things he does. Yes, but he does not care much about me. No, no, he doesn't. And that's just what I'm getting at. You know everything was all right that night. I want you to convince him that everything was just as we said it was. I will be glad to. Does he carry a gun? You're not afraid of him. Of course not, but you know husbands. Then you'll do it as soon as possible, won't you? And he mustn't know that I've had anything to do with it. Very well. As soon as possible? Open up. It's my day to see Mr. Smith. It's Jerry. Oh, but this is much too soon. Yes, isn't it? Well, I'll do something. What shall I do? Well, you just can't stand there. Go on in the other room. Hurry, and don't come out. Oh, I do not care for this. Oh, let him in on Patsy. Oh, dear. You said it. Greetings, Patsy. Oh, uh, hello. Hello, Lucy. Hello. Nothing. Well, I guess you two want to be alone. No! Smart girl, you and Patsy. I did want to be alone. Oh, yes? Well, look, Lucy, let's get right down to it. I've been a sap. Have you? I just said so. About this whole business, I got so jealous that, well, I saw red, but it's all blue now. Get it? Black and blue, isn't it? Yeah. Lucy, I want to apologize. I know that sap Louvall couldn't have meant anything to you. Guys like him just make me murderous. I just, well, I just want to say I'm sorry for everything. Oh, yes? And, uh, what about this Barbara Vansker you've been running around with? Huh? That's Society Blue Blood. The morning paper said you were going to marry her. Oh, that's nothing. A misprint. You see, she's... Never mind explaining. Let's meet later and talk it over. Goodbye, Jerry. Yeah, but I just... Here's your hat. Goodbye, Jerry. Yeah, but I... I'll call you later. Goodbye. Say, are you trying to get rid of me? Of course not. Why should I try to get rid of you? Here's your hat. My hat? That isn't my hat. Isn't it? No, look, comes down over my ears. That's funny. Uh, did you get a haircut, maybe? Not since I came in here. But I think I'm getting a clipping now. Take a look at it. Doesn't it look funny to you? They're wearing them that way this year. No, I don't think so. Not as big as this. My chin is resting on the sweatband. Look, if you've got company... Oh, it's nobody. Just Dan Leeson, probably. Leeson? Well, I don't want him to see me here. I've caused you enough trouble. I'll just duck in the other room. No! No, Jerry! Oh, but I want you to be happy, Lucy. I'll wait until I go on. Jerry, listen, wait! I want to tell you something. Oh, hello, hello. We've come to tell you, Lucy. Yes, well, what have you come to tell me? I want to apologize for those awful things I accused you of, Lucy. Yes, go on. Look, what's that? I think somebody's cleaning up in the other room. Lucy, I don't want you to be angry with me for it. I guess a man's best friend is his mother. I certainly learned to meet you once and for all. I'm sorry to do this, Mr. Wernher. You're sorry to do what, you little rat. This! Oh! Madam Mazanga told me there'd be nights like this. The parents can spend it in Ralph Bellamy. We'll bring you act three of the awful truth. Meanwhile, let's listen to how a near crisis was averted in the Davis family the other evening. Just time for a shower before dinner. Sissy, stuff you got in here? Where's some of that luck soap? I want some real lather. Oh, you could, dear. I forgot to take that awful stuff. The luck soap I wanted, Bridge, I thought I ought to use up. Here's what you want, a nice new cake of luck soap. Well, it is an awful letdown to bathroom baritones when they find that someone has spirited away their luck soap because luck's toilet soap makes a wonderful bath soap. It gives rich, luxurious lather in a jiffy, active lather that quickly removes perspiration, every trace of dust and dirt and leaves you feeling like a million. Now, a man might not admit it but he's likely to be just as fussy as a woman about the soap he uses. You can count on it. The man of your family yearns for a good, firm cake of soap that gives quick, abundant lather, even in hard water and you won't disappoint him if you always have plenty of luck's toilet soap in the bathroom. Fortunately, you can let the whole family enjoy this luxurious soap and still be economical. Luck soap costs only a few cents a cake, you know. And here's another important thing you'll notice. Luck's toilet soap is hard milled. It can be used right down to the last thin sliver. It's really thrifty. So give your family this soap that's as fine as money can buy. Get a supply of luck's toilet soap tomorrow. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. It rises on the third act of the awful truth. Two weeks have gone by and the divorce is almost final. Jerry is now determined to marry the society heiress and Lucy is just as determined to prevent it. In Jerry's apartment, she stands facing him, smiling, coiling. Hello, Jerry. Hello. What do you want here? Well, I just thought I'd... You know what today is, don't you? Certainly. Our divorce becomes final tonight at 12 o'clock and tomorrow we'll both be back in circulation. That's right. So I just thought I'd drop up to wish you a lot of luck. Well, it's very nice of you, but I'm just on my way out. Where to? If you must know, I'm on my way out to a pre-engagement dinner for me and Barbara at the Vance's. Jerry, you can't. Why not? I'm hungry. You can't because you love me. Of course I loved you. I said love, not loved. Oh, you're so stubborn. You're throwing away our happiness. Barbara's a fine girl. We'll get along swell together. That is necessarily happiness, Jerry. We were in a fight and we disagree on every subject under the sun, but we were happy. I was happy with you, yes, but Armand and I are incompatible. Jerry, for heaven's sake, you can't go through with this. You'll be miserable. Oh, you dope. Why can't you understand? Will you please stop, Lucy? Where's your Dan Leeson? Why don't you go back to that fugitive from Boomtown? I'll make it. Go to my house and get out of the booth. I've got it. Hello? Jerry, I think it's what's your name? Hello? Hello? You have to answer my telephone. I only said hello. Shut up. Now what am I going to tell her? Tell her to call you back. Yeah. Oh, shut up. Hello? Hello, Dolly. That's very funny. I knew you were going to ask me that. Oh, so did I. Who was she? Oh, it's really very simple. I just got back from Chicago. I dropped in to see me, you know. Oh, no, I don't think she can come over this evening. She has a previous engagement. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, naturally, she's very anxious to meet you too, dear. Yes. Tell her I'd love to meet her. Tell her to wear boxing gloves. Shut up. Barbara, I'll do my best to fix it up so the two of you will meet very soon. Goodbye. Goodbye, dear. Hurry over. I will. Now I'm in a fine fix. She wants to meet my sister. Well? You're a big help. If I had a sister like you, I'd have my parents get an injunction. You know me. Anything I can do. Yeah, to break it up. I see what you mean. I'm in a fine mess. Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Jerry. She trusts you, doesn't she? Of course she does. Sure. Just give her time. My boy, sit down. Oh, thanks, Mr. Vance. It's too bad your sister couldn't come tonight, Jerry. Oh, yes, she was terribly sorry. Mrs. Vance, you see, she didn't weather the boat trip very well. Boat trip? I thought you said she just came from Chicago. Yeah, the hard way, I mean. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I heard a woman's voice on the phone. Well, you can't blame me for being suspicious, Jerry, darling. Oh, certainly. I mean, of course not. I was thinking, dear mother, don't you think it would be nice if I asked Jerry's sister to be a bridesmaid? Oh, lovely. Well, I think she's sailing back to Chicago right away. You'd like my sister, though, Barbara. She's very much your type. Where did she go to school? Well, she did what? I said, where did she go to school? Oh, in Switzerland. And you say your father was a Princeton man. That's right, class of 92. He tells some very funny stories about the place in those days, too. He tells one in particular about a football game. It seems Yale was playing Princeton one day. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Vance. Yes, Edwards? Mr. Jerry's sister has arrived. Huh? What did you say, dear? Oh, I just asked how you were feeling. Oh, fine, fine. I'm feeling fine. Mr. and Mrs. Vance, may I present my sister? Lulu. And what a Lulu. How do you do? It's so lovely to know you, Mrs. Vincy. Vance, dear. Vance. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Barbara, this is Lulu. How do you do? I've seen your pictures in the paper and I wonder what you really looked like. Thank you. Say, uh... Did I interrupt something? Well, I was telling a story about dad. Well, go right ahead, dear. Oh, thanks. You see, Mr. Vance, it was Yale's ball on Princeton's two-yard line. Oh, Mrs. Vance, I don't like to appear rude, but I wonder if I could have a teeny-weeny little rinky. I had three or four before I got here, but they're beginning to wear off and you know how that is. Now, wait a minute. Now, don't you look at me like that, Jerry. You know perfectly well that you like a little rink now and then yourself. Well, I'm not a little rink-nipper. He likes to sneak them when nobody's looking. He's awful cute about it, too. I've seen him go along all evening just as if he didn't have a thing to drink and all of a sudden pulled flat on his purse. It's so shitty for Miss Warren, appease. Yeah, and come back dancing, Eddie. Say, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, honey. What were you saying? Oh, well, I was just telling them what a father's story. Oh, well, I wouldn't do that. Well, I've cleaned it up, but you see, there was a... There was a minute to go. Your dad had the ball. Ball? What ball? The football. Now, what in the world was dad ever doing with a football? Well, I was just telling a story about when father was at Princeton. You remember that. Oh, gee, of course I remember. Bob loved Princeton. He was there nearly 20 years. If ever a man loved a place, he just did. He adored it. And he sure kept it looking beautiful, too. He's seen the grounds, of course. So have I. You just told us your father played for Princeton. Well, you see... Jerry, did you say that? Listen, you... Well, I guess that's just one of Jerry's stories again. You see, when Jerry and I were kids, we was the worst liars in the neighborhood. We always used to pretend we had rich relatives who were going to die and leave us dough. But I guess it was harmless enough. Everybody knew we was just sort of kidding ourselves. Yeah, let her ramble. My folks were worried about her. There ain't money that counts with me. Or position in life. It's art. All the time I was working at the Virginia Club, I thought that... You worked at the Virginia Club? Sure. Didn't Jerry tell you? No, he didn't. No, that's one thing I forgot. You're a singer, Miss Warner. Sure, I think. Perhaps you sing for us now. Sure, I would. Do you own a piano? Right there. Oh, thanks. Where do you put the nickel in? There's your purse, Miss Warner. I'm the chair. Oh, boy, am I relieved. Jerry, kind of keep an eye out on my purse for me, will you? This woman is positively crude. Yeah, that's what I've been... Oh, she is, huh? She's crude, huh? Well, maybe it runs in the family. My Jerry, what a thing to say. Now, look, sis, we don't have to put on the dog around here. Just be yourself. We're among friends, ain't we? Jerry, what is this? Come on, sis. Let's do that number for him. Do you sing, too? Sure. We used to be in Vaudeville together ever since we were kids. Vaudeville? Well, we had to have food, Mr. Vance, and in Vaudeville, they threw it at us. You remember, sis, when Pop went to prison that time? Mr. Warner. Jerry! You mean the first time he went to prison, Jerry, huh? No, I mean the time he went to visit Mom. There was no disgrace. She was innocent. I don't believe she ever stuck up that grocery store at all. Of course she didn't. She was innocent. Sure, and so was Grandma. Grandma? Yeah, but her record was against her, and they hung her first spike. Jerry, perhaps you'd better leave. Oh, not until we do our number. Swing it, Lucy. This'll kill ya, folks. I think I've heard enough, Bob. So have I. You may leave, Mr. Warner. Funny thing, they said that every time we play, oh, my family, they will come for me. Tell me, of the seven plagues, what number are you? Jerry, I'm sorry. Oh, shut up. I'm delivering you over to your Aunt Patsy, and then I'm leaving for good. I don't blame you, darling. I really don't. You can leave now, Jerry. I want to see you safely in the door where you can get out of my hair and into your aunt's. If she hasn't hung it up for the night. Hello, Ed. I wasn't expecting anybody tonight. Oh, well. Tell Aunt Patsy I'm here. Why, she ain't here, Mrs. Warner. No, she ain't been here for weeks. Oh, I get it. Another one of your little tricks, eh? You thought you could get me up here on a cold night and ply me with a hot fireplace? Well, it won't work. I'm going back to town. I'm going alone. Good night and goodbye. Goodbye, Jerry. Be careful driving, dear. Hey. What's the matter? The key's the car. Where are they? What? The key's the car. The ignition key. Where is it? I don't know. Did you have it when you came? How do you think I drove? You think I got galley slaves in the fan belt? Lucy, you took that key and I want it back. I haven't got it. You have so got it. Oh, I guess you're stuck here all night. Isn't it a shame? Was when we came here on our honeymoon. Sitting here in front of the fire. The fire's going out. You better throw on some more furniture. It won't be long now. It's four to past eleven. Forty-five minutes and you'll never have to listen to me again. Just, just forty-five teeny minutes. Funny, isn't it, Jerry? Well, it wasn't my fault. I only... I'll keep quiet. Forty-five little minutes. Be happy, I expect. All this that happened tonight will be forgotten. I'll tell Barbara Vance myself that it was all a joke. I want you to be very, very happy. Well, it's... It's only thirty minutes now, Jerry. Lucy, listen. I... What, Jerry? Nothing. Oh, and you must never think of me. Never let me spoil your happiness, Jerry. Ah, I'll get along all right. Just... Just be happy, darling. I'll get along all right. No one will ever know that... Oh, but I shouldn't say these things, should I, Jerry? But... I'll get along all right. Wait a minute. Listen. Yes? Listen, Lucy. What? Listen, it's all off. I'm not going to go through with it. I don't care whether you love me or not. You're married to me and you're going to stay married. Do you hear? Yes. Call the caretaker. No, I'll call him myself. Ed, Ed, come in here right away. Anything wrong, folks? Listen, you're a witness. See, the divorce is off. Huh? Oh, Jerry. We're calling it off in account of darkness. A few seconds before 12 o'clock, we call off the divorce. Can you remember that and swear to it? You betcha. And you're pleased? You betcha. All right, then get out. You betcha. And stop ad-libbing. Oh, Lucy. Oh, Jerry. And every second that passes, I love you twice as much. Say it, Jerry. I love you, Lucy. I love you, Jerry. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. All good things must come to an end. But returning now to the footlights are Constance Bennett, Ralph Bellamy, and Bob Clark Gable Hope. Hear that, Ralph? Bob Clark Gable Hope. Yes, I heard it. Good. Now I gotta find somebody who believes it. Why don't you tell Bob what you're looking for in a leading man, Mr. DeMille? Well, Bob, let me describe the one I want for Reap the Wild Wind. To begin with, he should be handsome. Well, women faint when they look at my profile. I feel a little weak myself. Now, wait a minute. There's not another profile like it in Hollywood. Bob, are you trying to say you've got the best profile in Hollywood? No, but I've got the most profile. But above all, Bob, a leading man's personality must be so strong that he'll be able to convince anybody he's telling the truth, no matter what he says. You don't want a leading man, CB. You want a guy from the Los Angeles Weather Bureau. But you better get somebody else. I've got to play golf tomorrow morning anyway. Then I've got some good advice for you, Bob. When you get through playing golf and take your shower, don't forget to use luck soap. It's really a wonderful soap. I've used luck for years. Always have it in the house and, of course, in the studio too. That sounds advice, Bob. You'll find luck soap in the best homes in Hollywood and just about everywhere else. What's the show for next week, CB? Next week, Ralph, our play is Cheers for Miss Bishop. With the original stars of the picture, Martha Scott and William Gargan. Cheers for Miss Bishop is adapted from the Richard Rowland United Artists production. It's being cheered by audiences everywhere. You'll hear Martha Scott repeat her great screen performance as Ella Bishop, the schoolteacher. And Bill Gargan will play Sam Peters. It's a deeply moving love story. And we'll bring back heartwarming memories when we present these two stars in Cheers for Miss Bishop next Monday night. It was a swell picture, CB. I really enjoyed it. I saw it one night when the Ghostbreakers wasn't playing anywhere. But I know you'll have a great performance next week. Good night. Good night. Good night. To tell the truth, you are all for life. Our sponsors, the makers of luck's toilet soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Martha Scott and William Gargan in Cheers for Miss Bishop. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Bob Hope appeared tonight through the courtesy of the makers of Peptide. He is soon to be seen on the screen in Paramount Road to Zanzibar, hostowing with Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. Ralph Bellamy's forthcoming picture is Warner Brothers, affectionately yours. Heard in tonight's play were B. Benaderitas and Patsy, Fred Mackay as Armand, Vivienne Janis as Barbara, Sally Payne as Dixie Belle Lee, Werner Fulton as Mrs. Leeson, Gloria Gordon as Mrs. Vance, and Robert Strange as Mr. Vance. Our music is directed by Louis Silver, and your announcer has been Melville Roy. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.