 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure, with Chuckles with a Carload and Music by Maddie Malming. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. So for real job today, I'm the control tower operator in a burlash show. Control tower operator in a burlash show? Yeah, I signal when the runway is clear for the next takeoff. I know it would have to be a job around girls. You can never stay away from girls, can you? No, gee, I was just thinking of my first girl. You were? Little Mary Buzzo. Buzzo. What a girl. Gorgeous, charming. What a figure. I worshiped the ground she walked on, but one day I decided to give her up and break off our engagement. Why? Well, she had one little nasty habit I just couldn't stand. What was that? She'd never have anything to do with me. Why? Why didn't you give her something as a memento on your love? Why, when I married my wife Betty, I gave her my else-tooth. I know you did. How did you know? I saw it when she smiled. Listen, all the women in my family are smart girls. Why don't you marry my sister, Babe Lou? Not me. Three of her husbands have all died under mysterious circumstances. That's not so, Costello. Well, all I know is that every time she gets married, the coroner gives her away. Besides, marriage isn't for me. It's bad luck. I was married bad luck. Well, take my Uncle Tom. He goes and marries my Aunt Eva. And two days later, he falls down to elevate a share. Well, wait a minute. You can't blame that on your Aunt Eva. No. Who do you think told him that it was the door to the broom closet? Costello, where were you when they were passing out the brains? I was right there, but I thought they said pains, and I said I didn't want any. Oh, get him out! Oh, yes, the boys are on the beam tonight. And they'll be back on it in just about one minute. But first, let's hear this. What are you so happy about? Well, I just got a birthday card from my insurance company. That's nice. What does it say? It's a happy birthday to you through the coming year. As long as you're insured with us, there's nothing much to fear. So let the joyful bells ring out from Chicago to Nantucket. Happy birthday. You're all paid up in case you kicked the bucket. I didn't know today was your birthday, Castella. You know, today is my birthday too. How old are you now, Abbott? I'm 32. 32. Let's see, Abbott, if you're 32, according to my figures, you started working in Burlesque two years before your father met your mother. Talk sense, Castella. I want to invite you to our party. You know my wife's birthday is Saturday, and we celebrate both our birthdays together. Oh, so it's your wife's birthday too. Now, what kind of a present are you going to give her? Well, she loves to read books, but they have quite an influence on her. And just how do you mean? Well, three years ago, I gave her a copy of Little Woman, and she presented me with a little girl. Two years ago, I gave her a copy of My Son, My Son. She presented me with a little boy. This year, I'm really worried. Why? She wants to read The Egg and I. Abbott, you better keep those egg jokes off the program. One of us is laying them around here enough. Oh, never mind. I want you to come to the party and bring that pretty red-headed manicure as you've been running around with. Well, now, she's a honey Abbott, but I don't think she likes me anymore. Well, what makes you think she doesn't like you a little? Well, she's been dropping a few veiled hints lately. Like what? Oh, slamming a door in my face, refusing to talk to me on the phone, getting engaged to other guys. Really, nothing you could put your finger on. Well, I don't blame her, Castella. She knows you'll never amount to anything. Everybody knows that none of your family ever amounted to anything. Oh, no. Well, how about my Uncle Cassidy? My Uncle Cassidy. Whoever told him I had an Uncle Cassidy. He's pretty famous. Your Uncle Cassidy? No, my Uncle Cassidy. How did he become famous? I don't know. I didn't even know I had an Uncle Cassidy. How did he become famous, Lou? Well, he was the best grape crusher in France. He had seven toes on each foot and could crush more grapes than anybody in a vineyard. Is that so? Then one day, my father threw a handful of marbles in the grapes, and that made him famous. How could that make him famous? From then on, he was known as Hopalong Cassidy. You're not alone. You know, it's a shame you don't have relatives like mine. I have a family that I can be proud of. My grandfather, Herman Abbott, was a very famous man. Just what did he do? He drove all the Indians out of Pennsylvania. What program was he on? And my Uncle Anatole Abbott drove the first spike for the B&O. So what? My Uncle Selson at Costello opened the first can of beans from the A&P. And my wife? My wife is the most beautiful woman in North Hollywood. Are you kidding? Your wife was so knock-kneed that from the hips down, she looks like a collapsible iron board. Costello, how can you criticize my wife's figure? Did you ever see her in a bathing suit? Yes, I saw her at the beach last summer. Her bathing suit was so big that she got arrested for fishing with a net. You're the most stupid man I ever met. Why don't you leave your brain to science? I might do that, Abbott. Last week, a scientist offered me $75 for my brain. Why don't you take it? He wanted immediate delivery. Well, I'll see you later, Abbott. I've got to go out and hire a babysitter. A babysitter? Wait a minute. You haven't got any children. I know, but where can I get a better date for $0.50 an hour? I'll go buy it. Hello, Uncle Biden. Hello, Uncle Bodeal. It's Abbott's nephew, folks. The burnt Lancaster of Orbach's basement. What's on your mind, nephew Norman? What is it, nephew Norman? Get a little away they talk to each other. Sounds like Guy Lombardo talking to Carmen. Just ignore him, nephew Norman. Now, what were you going to say? Well, Uncle Bodeal, you know that friend of mine that owns that movie theater up in San Francisco? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, he's playing your latest picture, Abbott and Castel when Africa screamed. And after it opened last night, he had to put the ropes up to hold the crowd back. Now, two of the ushers wanted to hang themselves. Hey, Abbott, why don't you keep that guy out of here? Norman happens to be a very smart boy, Castel. A while ago, when he was five years old, he was regarded as a boy wonder. So what, when I was five years old, I used to wonder what I was doing. Hi, fellas. Well, well, it's Maddie Malick, our band leader. Well, Maddie Malick, what's the idea coming down here in a red sport coat, green slag, pink shirt, purple tie, and black socks? Oh, I always wear black socks. Why? I don't want people to think I'm a loud dresser. I must have read that wrong. You know, you know, I'm kind of worried about Malick, Castel, and he's still single, you know. So what? Well, all the other band leaders are married. Look at that, there's the armad. He's got his guitar and loose of the ball. Harry James has got his trumpet and Betty Gravel. So what, I got my fiddle and a life-sized picture of Patrillo. Wait a minute, Malick. I don't want you to come out and try to get funny with Abbot Knight. I wouldn't think of it. That's better. You two guys have enough trouble trying to get funny by yourselves. Right. One more crack like that, Malick, and I'll fill the laundry up to start your underwear. And you won't be able to stand up in front of that band. I'll quit picking on Maddie. That's right, bud. I've got to go anyway. I've got to buy the flute player a new flute. What's the matter with the flute he has now? Haven't you noticed? It's full of holes. So long, Chuck. So long, Maddie. Nice boy, that Malick. I'd like to have known him when he was alive. Hello, boys. Hello, Viola. Viola, you had a date with me last night, and you didn't show up. Oh, I couldn't help it, Costello. You'll never break another date with me, Viola. I don't need to go out with you, you know. I can get a girl any time I want. I'll show you I can get even. I can even get a girl to come up out of the audience if I want. Wait a minute. This ought to be good news. No, I could. I could. I could get a girl to come up. All right, go ahead, Costello. Let's see a girl out of the audience. OK. All right, come on. Is there a beautiful young lady out there that would like to go out with me tonight? Just come up here on the stage. Come on. Just a minute, Mr. Costello. You know you can't do that. You know that no girl will come up here out of the audience. And why not? For this program, the ABC network straps the audience in their seats. The SC wise guy? Now aren't you sorry you spoke that way to Viola? Well, Viola, if you'll go out with me tonight, I'll take you to some nice quiet spot, and I'll help you work out your problems. Well, I haven't got any problems. Well, you haven't been out with me yet. Costello, why don't you take Viola to Lover's Lane and look out mountains? Oh, yes. That would be nice. Oh, nothing doing. Nothing doing. No, no. My brother Pat took a girl up there last night, and he was sitting in a car, necking in a cop, stuck a flashlight in the car, and said, you can't neck with girls up here. What did your brother Pat do? He says, wait a minute, officer. This happens to be my wife. I'll bet the cop was surprised when he found out it was your brother Pat's wife. So was my brother Pat. He didn't know it either until the flashlight went on. All right, Costello, if you promise to give up the life you're living, I may reconsider and marry you. That would be wonderful. Yes. We'll have a little honeymoon cottage, and the stork may drop in on us. Oh, boy. Yes, and every so often, a little bundle will be left on our doorstep. Oh, that's OK with me. That diaper service sure saves a lot of work. Costello, you can't marry Viola until you get some money. Well, it won't be long now. I just bought some oil in in Texas. Yeah, me and shotgun. And I'm going down there to drill for oil tomorrow. Oh, that's wonderful, Costello. And just remember, while you're down there, my heart will be with you in Texas. My soul will be with you in Texas. And my mind will be with you in Texas. OK. And if I strike oil, I'll send for the rest of you. Oh, get him up! And as the plot thickens, we'll wring down the curtain in an on-sense just long enough to bring you this message. Next week at this time, the Abbot and Costello show presents our feature singer, and here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Howell Winters with Maddie Malnick and his orchestra. If you ever go across the seas to Ireland, then maybe at the closing of your day, you will sit and watch the moon rise over Clota, and see the sun go down on Goldway Bay. Just to hear again the ripple of a trout stream, the women in the meadows making hay, and who sit beside a turf fire in the cabins, and watch the barefoot gossums at their play, for the breezes blowing o'er the seas from Ireland, are perfumed by the heather as they blow, and the women in the uplands dig in gratings speak a language that the strangers do not know, for the strangers came and tried to teach us their way. They scorned us just for being what we are, but they might as well go chasing afternoon, or light a penny candle from a star, and if there is going to be a life hereafter, and somehow I am sure there's going to be, I will ask my God in that dear land of Croix. Who are you talking to on the phone? My Aunt May. They just bought her home from the hospital. She was expecting a baby, and she said to them hospitals that they run them just like radio quiz shows. Well, what did she mean? Well, before they would give her the baby, she had to guess if it was a boy or a girl. What happened? Aunt May guessed it was a boy. The doctor says no, guess again. So she says it's a girl. The doctor said no, guess again. Well, what was it? We don't know. Aunt May didn't hang around long enough to find out. The cutest nurse came home with Aunt May to take care of a boy or a nurse. Is she fussy? Wait a minute. I hope you're not going to start chasing the new nurse. I already did have it. But she's too fussy for me. Last night, she said she wouldn't kiss me unless I shaved. She likes a guy to have a smooth face. Did you shave? Three times. Then I took her to the movies. I'll never do that again. Why? My face was so smooth. Every time she tried to kiss me, she should have right passed me and kissed the guy in the next seat. Never mind that. What is your Sam Shovel Detective story about tonight? Abbot, tonight I do one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the thief who stole the hamburgers from the lunch room. Or he was a short order crook. Sounds very tasty. Let's do it. Right. Yes, I'm Sam Shovel. Sam Shovel Private Detective. And I'm ashamed of myself today. Today I arrested my own brother. I'm a rat. I'm a heel. I'm a louse. I decide to hit myself in the jaw. I don't take that kind of talk from nobody. Not even myself. This Detective Businessful Driver guy nuts. This morning, Jaime the stool pigeon gave me some information. He told me not to let the cat out of the bag and to keep it under my hat. I may have to disappoint Jaime. It's getting mighty uncomfortable having a cat in a bag sitting on top of my head. Well, it's time to feed him a pet frog. There's something wrong with this frog. He ain't croaked in 3D. He must have a man in his throat. I decide to open my mail. Here's an invitation to a barn dance. I don't think I'll go. Ain't much fun dancing with a barn. Here's a card from one of my old flames, Polly the pickpocket. What a girl. I'll never forget the night she put her arms around me. I lost all sense of time. I couldn't help it. She stole my watch. Here comes my secretary. She's been running in and out of the office all day. Each time she kisses me. Oh, there you are, Sam. I'm going to kiss you again. You sweet thing. I'm having a very busy day. I'm up to my work in neck. That secretary is a high-class kid. I practically snatched her from the finishing school. She was a carpenter's helper, and she was busy finishing her school. Oh, well, one thing I can say for myself. I ain't the kind of a boss who chases his secretary around the office. I chase her in the hall. Before I hired this girl, I had a U-Bangie as a secretary. He was the only secretary ever met who could see all the envelopes after she put him in a mail chute. I glance out of the office window. There's my pal Lieutenant Abbott of the Homicide Squad coming down the street. He walks straight and erect. That's a holdover from his military days. Abbott was in the service. Abbott was a colonel. Abbott became a colonel the hard way, the hard way. He was in the Navy. Lieutenant Abbott has been my friend for years. It's a peculiar friendship. First he blows hot, then he blows cold. He's much of a friend, but he works out swell as an air conditioning unit. I'll never forget the day Lieutenant Abbott got married. His wife, Betty, was an opera singer. She sang like a bird, but she was a flop. Very few people would pay to hear a woman go tweet, tweet, tweet. What a woman that Mrs. Abbott is. She comes from a very fine stock. Too bad she didn't come from people. Hello, Sam Shelton. It's my pal Lieutenant Abbott. And you look tired, Lieutenant. I am, Sam. All they have been trying to locate a gorgeous six-foot blonde with blue eyes and a lovely figure. I've had the whole police department looking for an... Lieutenant Abbott, maybe I can bring her in. What's the charge? You bring her in. I'll think of something. Lieutenant Abbott must have paid the ride. Sam, you're slipping. Why, there's talk around town that you're not a good detective anymore. Is that so? Give me a good case, and I'll solve it quicker than you can say, Jerk Robison. Well, not Jerk Robison. That's Jack Robison. The Robison I know is a jerk. Sam, you've been pulling a lot of bonus lately. On the McGurk, Jewelry Robbery. You arrested McGurk, but you didn't find the jewels. Well, that's no skin off my nose. Last week, I asked you to watch a prisoner for me and let him escape. That was no skin off my nose. When you investigated the hole up in the butcher shop on the corner, you backed into the slicing machine. That was no... That was a little trouble. That's not all. The traffic department is complaining about you. The way you drive around town in that prowl car of yours is positively dangerous. That's not so. Yesterday at Hollywood and Vine, I slowed down to give a pedestrian the right-of-way. You did. Of course, he was in an ambulance at the time. Enough of this chat, Sam. I'm on an important case. I'm after Light-Fingered Lil, the lady bank burglar. Light-Fingered Lil. I know her well. You do? Sure, her well is in back of her house. I always stop there for a drink of water. That girl is a clever crook. Today, she went into the First National Bank and grabbed a teller. She hugged him and kissed him, and while she was doing that, she took all the money out of his cash draw. She does that every day. Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You mean that she goes into the same bank every day and hugs and kisses a teller and then robs him? Yes. Why don't the president of the bank do something about it? He did. He's quitting his job to become a teller. Sam, we've got an ablil. She's public enemy number seven. Not no more. Now she's public enemy number one. How did that happen? Walter Wynchel gave her a plug Sunday night. Well, that doesn't say him. Lila has a map of the spot where she's buried all her loot. And you and I are going over there and get it. I'm glad you said that, Lieutenant. Why? If you didn't, we'd have no story. Lieutenant Abbott and I arrived at Lill's hideout. I knocked on the door. I rang the bell. Make up your mind. I'd like to get in there while I'm still young. The door opened and there stood Lill. She spoke. Well, well, if it ain't slewfoot, what's on your mind, copper? I like the way you talk, Lill. You're my type of woman. What makes you say that, Sam? You're a living. And you're beautiful. There's such a delightful aroma about you. Is that taboo perfume I smell? It is, and you do. We're getting no place fast. Make love to her. Make love to her, Sam. Maybe she'll soften up and give us the map. Lill, you're the kind of a girl I could go for. I'd walk to the three corners of the earth for you. But, Sam, there are four corners to the earth. Yes, but who wants to get near Russia? Sam, step over here. I want a word with you. Sam, she's got that map here someplace. It may be in that table. I'll hold her and you'll look for it. It may be in her pocketbook. I'll hold her and you'll look for it. Then it may be in the top of her stocking. Then you hold her and I'll look for it. Hold everything, hold everything. I see it. It's on top of the piano. I got it, Sam. Come on, we're getting out of here. Lieutenant Abbott and I got a shovel. We started digging for the buried loot. Sam, I've been digging for the past hour. Are you sure you followed the map correctly? Yes, it says here, take two steps forward, then one to the left, then two steps backward and one to the right, then turn and take two steps to the left and two to the right. Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me see that map. There it is. You idiot, that's not a map. That's a rumble lesson from Arthur Murray. Hey, get me out of here. Keep the house lights down, boys. We'll have a curtain call from Abbott and Costello after a final reminder on this subject. We just have time to remind the folks about the big championship fight here in Los Angeles, May 26th. Folks, I, Williams, the world's lightweight champion, and then Rick Blandis are fighting April 26th for the lightweight championship of the world. It's a fight for kids. The money will go to help fight juvenile delinquency through the Luke Costello Junior Youth Foundation. Be sure to see this for a great fight, folks. And remember to listen to the Abbott and Costello show next Thursday. Our writing staff is headed by Eddie Forman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Rageway, and Len Stern. And our producer is Charles Vander. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Pat, it's good night. Listen, it's Thursday night. It's time for another great Abbott and Costello show, Transfrag and Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainer which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.