 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And year in, year out. L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Season after season, at market after market. Independent tobacco experts. Men who are right on the spot at the auctions, can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco. Fine tobacco that means real, deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed. So free and easy on the draw. At 57, at 59, at American. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our... Wait a minute, wait a minute, Donzie. Hold it, hold it. Jackson ain't here yet. What? Neither is Dennis or Livy. Oh my goodness, this is awful. What do you mean awful? The audience is going to get a break today. I've been waiting for a chance like this for months. Hit it, boys. One, two. Now, there you can make no mistake. E, wear those nerves out. Rochester, Rochester. Yes, sir. Step on it, will you? Can't you make this car go any faster? Boss, did you hear the story of the hare and the tortoise? Yes. Well, both of them just past us. What tough luck. Imagine going out to the garage and finding a flat tire. Not a bit of air in it. There was the new one, too. It had to be the new one. Huh? The other three are filled with sand. Oh, yes, I forgot. Rochester, why have you got the windshield wipers going? We have no windshield. I know, but it keeps the steam from the radiator out of my face. Say, boss, I think we're making better time. I just caught up with the rabbit that passed us. Rochester, don't be silly. There are no rabbits on Sunset Boulevard. E, what's up, Doc? No, I guess the warm weather brought them out. Gosh, it isn't bad enough. I'm late. Mary and Dennis are waiting for us to pick them up. Boss, you should be on here right now. I know. I know. Turn on the radio and see what they're doing. OK. Here comes old Bob with all the news. The boxback coat and the button shoes. But all paid up with these union dudes. And that's what I like about the sound. Move that off. Here, turn it off. That song is enough to make a Yankee out of Senator Claghorn. Pull over the corner, Rochester. This is where we're supposed to pick up Dennis. Mary. Oh, there's Dennis now. Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, hop in, Dennis. We're late. I know. I was home listening to the radio. And Phil was singing. That's what I like about the South. I know, I know. My mother said she wished a little bit of heaven would fall from out the sky and hit them right on the head. Well, for once in my life, I agree with your mother. She hates you, too. All right, Rochester, let's go. Oh, Jack, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. Hop in. Well, we were all ready to go to the studio. When we got to the garage, we found a flat tire. I really should have called for a taxi. Called for a taxi? You wouldn't call for help if it had a meter on it. First place, you read that line wrong. I know. Supposed to be you wouldn't call for help if it had a meter on it. I was even afraid of that today, this morning. What are you talking about? I've taken you home from the studio in a cab many times. Oh, stop bragging. Only cost 75 cents. 75 cents. The other night when I took you home, it cost me $3.50. Well, it was your idea to go up on Mulholland Drive. Don't let it go to your head, sister. I only took you up there to show you how beautiful the city looks with the lights on. I know. When the fog rolled in, you wanted your money back. Money back, money back. Stop making things up. I went up to Mulholland Drive three nights in a row with my girl. And, oh boy, did we have fun. Why? What did you do, kid? We went around peeking into New Studebakers. One of them had 1,800 miles on it. That must have been a thrilling evening, your hand. Hold the audience till we get there. Phil is entertaining him. Now, what are what he's doing now? Rochester, turn on the radio. Loosen your tie and start relaxing when Harris is here. Who needs Jackson? Because I'm what you like about the south. Who needs Jackson? What I mean? Turn it off. Rochester, you can park any place now. There's the studio up ahead. Jack, why don't you spend 15 cents and put the car in the parking lot? Because the streets belong to the people and I'm a people. Rochester, what's the matter with you? You just passed a good parking place over there. I know, but that's on our right, boss. This car only turns left. Oh, yes, I forgot. The steering rod's broken. Well, if this car won't turn to the right, how are we going to get back to Beverly Hills? I got all mapped out, Miss Livingston. We go straight to Pasadena, left to Baker Steel, left to Oxnard and Doughton. Oh, we'll get home all right. Once we get to Carface Circle, we can head in any direction there. Now keep your eyes open for a place to... Dennis, we're not on a parade. Stop sitting on top of the seat. Huh? And take that sign off your back. Well, I want it there. You don't need it. Everybody knows you've got two shows. Now sit down on the... Whoop, whoop. There's a... Whoop, whoop. What are you whooping about? Rochester, there's a place to park right across the street. Can't do it, boss. I'll have to make a U-turn. Well, what's wrong with making a U-turn? There's a $2 double-charge. Now grab hold of your door, Mary, so it won't fly open. The door's on your side. Oh, yes, yes. Uh-oh, is that a policeman? It ain't Uncle... Hop all right. Shut the motor off. What are you gonna do, Jack? Oh, I'll think of something. Hey, you! What's the idea of making a U-turn in the middle of the block? I said, what's the idea of making a U-turn in the middle of the block? Don't you know it's against the law? Well, I'll tell you, officer. I don't get the city very often, so I don't know much about your new fang of lords you got here. What a performance! That's right. Be quiet. You see, officer, I live out Sherman Oaksway, and I just drove an old lady and my boy in to see the big city. Petui. Ain't that right, Miranda? You're dying too soon, Petui. Thank goodness we have no windshield. Officer, this is the message. Oh, glad to know you, ma'am. Now, look, old timey, you've got to obey the traffic laws while you're in the city. Well, I'll tell you. Get your gun, Pa! That man's a revenuer! Officer, guess we'll mow you along. Thanks very much for your advice. All right, old timey, but don't let this happen again. I won't. So long, officer. So long. Come on, ma'am and Esri, let's take a look at this radio station, see what those programies are like. And Z, you sit here and wait for it. Z! Z! Oh, me! Yes, you. Come on, Mary. The cop's gone now. Let's get into the studio. Dennis, hurry up. Right behind you, Pa! Petui! Dennis, you're not a rube anymore. Put your shoes back on. 15 years on the radio, and it's the first time I've ever been late. Thank goodness we got here anyway. She's got baked beans and candy dams. Those sugarcutes that you have. All right, Phil, all right. I'm here, I'm here. Well, I'm here. You can stop. What do you mean stop, Jackson? I'm just getting warmed up. Warmed up? You've been singing that thing for 20 minutes. I've been listening to you on the radio. You've been listening to me? Certainly. Well, bless your little gray heart. All right, Phil, you had your big day. Now go sit down. Jack, what happened? How come you're so late? Oh, it's a long story, Don. I had a flat tire, and then I got tied up in traffic. And Rochester didn't know what he was talking about. And right out here, in front of the studio, well, he was nervous. You know, a cop coming. You can blame him. Then right out here in front of the studio, a cop tried to give me a ticket. I told him I was Jack Benny. He changed his mind fast. Didn't he, Mary? But, Joey! Now look, kids, the show is so mixed up, we'll have to start somewhere. So, Dennis, maybe you are... Wait a minute. Phil. Phil, what's the matter? What are you, your excuse the expression, musician dressed like that for? All that, well, a photographer's coming over to take some publicity shots, and I told the boys that if they looked glamorous, they might get their pictures in Esquire. Look, Phil, your boys will never get their pictures in Esquire. So you can tell Frankie to put down that white telephone and take off that low-cut sweatshirt. And tell him to cover up that tattoo on his chest. Are you kidding? He gets paid for that. I know, but it's such a ridiculous tattoo. This is the year of the yearling. What a slogan, the year of the yearling. What about the slogan they had for your picture? Mary. This is the week of the weakling. That shows how much you know it didn't even run a week. Now look, kids, before we start our play for tonight, I think Dennis... Jack, there's a man in the third row with a gun. Hey, mister, what's the idea? Oh, I'm sorry. I tried to shoot myself, but I missed. Well, what's wrong? I'm a dentist and my patient is driving me crazy. Your patient? Her name is Nora Prentice and she won't open her mouth. He must be crazy. A few minutes ago, he was a rabbit. Sing, Dennis. Does it still run down to Donnie? Glock-A-Mora sung by Dennis A. And Dennis, that was a cute little Irish number. Not as cute as the one I took up on Mulholland Drive. Has she got a friend? Yes, but you wouldn't like him. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature... Hmm, come in. Pardon the intrusion, Mr. Bene, but could you do me please a favor? Oh, I certainly, certainly, Mr. Kitzel. Hello, what is it? Well, I got two tickets to a radio program here at CNBC, and I don't know what studio it's in. Oh, well, what program is it? Edgar Buenstein. Oh, Edgar Bergen. Edgar Bergen, yes. He's in Studio A, right across the hall. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. And I know you like Edgar's show, that Charlie McCarthy is really funny. Yes, and you look so natural, too. Almost like a human being. That's right. As many people mistake Charlie for a little boy. Yes, I know. Once, when I was by his broadcast, I went up to him and I said, please, Mr. McCarthy, could I have you autographed? I bet you felt silly. Who felt silly? He gave it to me. Oh, oh, oh. But you know he's certainly comical, that Charlie McCarthy. And so is the other little dummy, more than much worse. That's nerd, nerd. Oh, wait, Mr. Kitzel, I meant to thank you for the birthday card you sent me. It was very thoughtful and expressed such nice sentiment. Yes, and I wrote that poem myself. What was the poem, Mr. Kitzel? Well, it went like this, to Mr. Benny. Today I hear you're 38, but I know you're 53. But if you're liking 38, that's okay by me. Well, it was a very... It was a very cute thought. Mr. Kitzel, in case you happen to pass my house during the next few days, drop in. I'll mix you a martini. A martini? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, you like martinis? No. Well, anyway, Mr. Kitzel, if you're around when I leave, I'll drive you home. Well, thank you, but don't bother, Mr. Benny. You see, I got my own car, a new studio baker. You have? It's got exactly 1,800 miles on it. 1,800? Dennis, that must have been the car you peeked into. Ho, ho, ho! Dennis! Hi, Mr. Benny. So long, Mr. Kitzel. How are things in Glocky Murray? Geez, a nice little guy. I'm sorry I forgot to invite him to my birthday party. Oh, that reminds me, Jack, it's been a whole week now, and you never thanked me for the birthday present I sent you. Oh, I'm sorry, Mary, thanks very much. It was a wonderful gift. I really appreciated it. What'd you give him, Livy? A check for $10. Well, Mary, it wasn't the sentiment, it was the money. I mean, it wasn't the money, it was the check. I mean, the sentiment. Now, come on, kids, we have a check, a sketch to do. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight... Oh, Jack, before you start the sketch, don't you think we ought to do a commercial? Fine, right, that's all... What are you going to say, Don? Well, I say, before you start the sketch, don't you think we ought to do a commercial? A commercial? Well, I want to start being an original idea. Yes, Don, by all means, let's be do-ies. Let's be do-ies. Let's be jarring and do a commercial. Okay, Jack, the quartet's ready. The what? The quartet? Yeah. Now, wait a minute, Don, wait a minute. No quartet and no more singing. That's final. Good job. Look, Don, since we opened our season 22 weeks ago, the sportsman quartet has been driving me nuts. It isn't bad enough what they do to me in the studio. But two weeks ago, you brought them right out on the street, right out on the corner in front of NBC, in front of a crowd of people, and embarrassed me something awful. Imagine them singing a commercial and people throwing money, pennies. How much was it, Jack? Four dollars and sixty-seven cents. All right, Alex, who is slug. So, Don, let's not talk about it anymore. The quartet is through. They'll never sing for me again. Jack, I know I've asked you many times to give these boys one more chance, and I'm going to ask again, but just this once. Don, look. And if you don't like it this time, you can fire them, and I give you my word of honor, I'll not interfere. Well, all right, Don, if you really mean what you said, it's a deal. I'll give these boys one more chance. Remember, fellas, this is your last chance. Is that clear? All right, Don. Okay, their number is humorous. Take it, boys, and remember, your job depends on it. Go ahead. L-S-L-S-M-F-T means find a bag, oh, don't you see? Not bad. Yes, L-S-L-S-M-F-M-F-T. My God. Backwards, if you wish to spell, it's merely T-F-M-S-L. Backwards. So round, so firm, so full. It's not bad. Very good. Very good. Back, back, back. Pull me back. A razzmet test with a joke. Drop it, you must suck it. A little bit of heaven is L-S-M-F-T. Ike, give me a piece of pipe. Don, look. Well, Don, that isn't what I want. Don. We prove it. Light up our luckiness. Light up our luckiness. Don, that is what I want. Wait a minute, fellas. Wait a minute, fellas. That's not it at all. We know so we say. It's so fast. Wait a minute, fellas. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute. Right, fellas, I've had enough. That was it. You had your chance, and you're through making a fool out of me. You're fired. Threw. Now get out. At last, I'm through with them. And, Don, don't you open your mouth and you go with them. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Jack. What? If you ask me, I think you're making a big mistake, partner. I think you're making a big mistake, partner. I think you're making a big mistake, partner. If you ask me, I think you're making a big mistake, firing your quartet. I didn't ask you. And now, Livy's right, Jackson. Livy's right, Jackson. You should never have fired those guys. Huh? They're harmony. It's great, Phil. When you're talking about pool, I'll take your word for it. When we're talking about bourbon, I'll bow to your superior judgment. Even when we're, if we're talking about new hairdos, I'll acquiesce. But when it comes to music and harmony, I'd rather take the word of Lassie's other pup. And now, ladies and gentlemen. I think you're right, Mr. Benny. You bet I'm right. I'm glad you're on my side, Dennis. The other side wouldn't have me. And the quartet is fired and that's settled. Now, let's get on with the play. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight. Oh, now what? Come in. How do you do, folks? I'm the photographer from Downbeat Magazine. I'm here to take pictures of Phil Harris' band. Wait a minute, Mr. We're trying to do a program. Why are you taking pictures of Harris' orchestra? Oh, they just won a popularity contest that was conducted by our magazine. A contest? Yes. We stopped 10 people on the street and asked them who their favorite band was. Uh-huh. And all 11 voted for Phil Harris. You stopped 10 people and 11 of them voted for Phil? One of them had two heads. That I can believe. Hey, wait a minute, Bob. Wait a minute. We ain't posing for just anybody. Are you a good photographer? Oh, I'm one of the best in the business. I have some pictures here that I've taken of my children here. Look at them. No, look, we haven't time. Oh, Jack, look at these pictures. Aren't they cute? How old is this little boy? That's Irving. He's seven. And this little fellow is Julius. He's five. Hmm. Well, how about this cute little girl, the smallest one on the end? That's my wife. She's a midget. I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to be rude, that is. Oh, that's all right. Quite frequently I get my wife mixed up with the children. Really? Yes, only this morning I fed her a bowl of pablum threw over my shoulder and burped her. Oh. I didn't realize she was my wife till her teeth dropped on the floor. Her teeth? Hey, what about taking the pictures? My boys are getting nervous. All right, everybody smile now. Watch the birdie. One, two, three, click. Got it. Now, if you don't mind, we'll get on with our show. Just a minute. Before I leave, would you mind if I took a picture of your quartet? My quartet? Why? Just to keep for myself. I think they're wonderful. Oh, you do, eh? Well, if you want a picture of my quartet, you can go outside and look for them. I just fired them. You fired them? Yes. You fool you! What? You mean old man! I am not a mean old man. And get out! Nobody's going to come in here and tell me how to run my business. Jack! Wait a minute, Mary. Now, wait a minute. I've got something to say to you and everybody in the company, and you might as well hear it. I've been on the radio for 15 years. I've always had my own show. I've always run my own show. And I'm going to keep on running. And you, Don, Dennis, or Phil, or nobody else in the world is going to tell me what to do. And that's final. Any questions? Why do you wear those thick glasses? I'm costing any more than a thin one. Now, let's get on with the show. Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, darn it, the phone. Mary answered, please. Okay. Hello? Yes? Yes, sir, he's right here. Who is it, Mary? Jack, it's Mr. Vincent Rigio, president of the American Tobacco Company. Oh, oh, my sponsor. Hello, Vince. Vincent? Oh, Mr. Rigio. Well, what can I do for you, Mr. Rigio? You've been listening to the show? Wasn't it great? Oh, I shouldn't have, what? But I had to fire him. That quartet was the worst. You don't think so? Well, everybody's entitled to his own opinion. I mean, that's why they put rubber mats around cuspidors. What? I guess you're right. It didn't get a laugh here, either. But about the quartet, Mr. Rigio, I felt that... I know, but... but, Mr. Rigio... I know, but... yes, but... you might be right, but... but... but... but... I know, but... but... The auctioneer, remember LSMFT? LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Listen to the words of a man who's been an independent tobacco auctioneer for 21 years. Mr. Dewey H. Huffine of Reedsville, North Carolina. Mr. Huffine really knows tobacco, and here's what he said. At thousands of tobacco auctions, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by a mile-ripe mellow tobacco I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. Quote, at thousands of tobacco auctions, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by a mile-ripe mellow tobacco. Unquote. Remember, the independent tobacco experts like Mr. Huffine can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Yes, first, last, always. LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine tobacco. LSMFT. No doubt about it. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco means real, deep-down, smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. But, but Mr. Riggio, well, all right, if you want a quartet, I'll have to think it over.