 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you? Gotta be happy, go lucky, be happy, get better taste, be happy, go lucky, get better taste today. Friends, while cigarettes may look the same on the outside, there's an important inside difference in Lucky Strike, an inside difference that proves luckies are made better to taste better. And it's easy to prove this to yourself. Just tear and compare. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer. Then carefully tear a thin strip of paper straight down the seam from end to end and gently remove the tobacco. In tearing, be careful not to disturb or loosen the tobacco. Now, in exactly the same way, remove the paper from a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Others have air spaces that burn too fast, taste hot and harsh and dry. But look at that lucky. See how it stays together, a perfect cylinder of fine mild tobacco. See how round and firm and fully packed it is with long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Because luckies are made this way, they draw freely, smoke smoothly and evenly, taste fresh, clean and mild. So tear and compare. Prove to yourself that luckies are made better to taste better. Then make your next carton, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Bennett with Mary Livingston, Philaris Rochester, Dennis Day, The Sports Report 10 and yours truly down. Ladies and gentlemen, just recently Jack Bennett received one of the Sylvania Pioneer Awards for his contribution to the history of radio. So tonight, in keeping with this honor, I feel that I should give Jack a dignified introduction. Well, thank you, Don. It's times like these I wish I were a poet. What a beautiful thought, Don. I can just imagine you were a poet. Henry Wadsworth Patfellow. But don't let me interrupt you, go on. Yes, folks, if I had the gift of poetry with which to describe our scintillating star, I... Hmm, I'll get it, Don. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett, this is Rochester. Rochester, you certainly picked a fine time to call. Why aren't you listening to the program? That's why I called, boss. There's something wrong with our radio. Oh, well, maybe there's a break in the electric cord. I thought of that, boss, so I traced it. I started the radio, went around the baseboard, up the wall, out the window, across the driveway, through the hedge, and right to the plug on Mr. Coleman's back porch. Well, Rochester, I hope nobody saw you. Well, just as I reached the porch, Mrs. Coleman came out, so I ducked behind the hedge and meowed like a cat. Did you fool her? I think so. She left two sauces of milk. Two? Yeah, one a matter of note on it. This one's for Mr. Bennett. Good. I'll have it when I get home. I don't know what to do. I hate to miss your program. Well, I've got an idea, Rochester. I'll leave the receiver off the hook, and you'll be able to hear the whole show over the telephone. Yes, sir. Okay, Don, let's get on with the program. Ladies and gentlemen, as I was saying, even though I'm not a poet, today I'd like to introduce our star with a little poem. A poem? Yes, to Jack Benny. I love my boss, but he's so cheap, he only spends a slow buck. What a lying slow buck. His suits are from Montgomery Ward, his hair from Sears and Roebuck. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. Hmm, hair from Sears and Roebuck. As a matter of fact, Don, I have a poem about you, too. A poem about me? Yeah. I don't know too much about poetry, but here's one I stole from Johnny Ray. This is to you, Don. When your boss writes you a letter of goodbye, you'll feel better if you let your stomach down and cry. Remember that. Hey, Jackson, if you really want to get... Wait a minute, Phil, wait a minute. I want to see what Rochester thought of that joke. Hello? Hello? Hello? Rochester, hello? Hello? Rochester, I just told a joke. Where were you? I had to answer the door. The mailman was just here and he delivered a package. A package? Who from? Sears and Roebuck. You can be a blind again. Oh, good, good. That's the one that makes me look like Nelson Eddy. Keep listening to the show, Rochester. Now, Phil, what were you talking about? I was just going to say, Jack, it's now about doing something different on the show tonight. Something entertaining like, uh, well, like getting Livy and me to sing a song together. Hey, that sounds like a pretty good idea. You'll sing with Phil, won't you, Mary? No, thanks. I sang with Phil before. No matter what song he sings, it always comes out, that's what I like about the sound. All right, Livy, you don't have to sing with me. I just thought that you and I'd make a nice trio. Trio? You and Mary would make a nice trio? Yeah. Look, Phil, let me explain something to you. One is a solo. Two is a duet. Now, if you had a third person, you've got a trio. Oh. And if you had a fourth person, you have a quartet. Uh-huh. Now, Phil, if you had four people and you found a fifth, what would you have? Throw me that lead again. Will you bother me? All right, if you had four people and found a fifth, what would you have? A quintet. Fooled you that time, didn't I, Jack? Well, I feel that's right. You're right. If you had a fifth, you'd have a quintet. Yeah, but they'd all be loaded. You'll have a laugh at that, Mary. Did you see the way his arranger has to write the music so Phil can read it? No, how? An eighth note is a diamond. A quarter note is a heart. A half note a club and a whole note a spade. Phil, you have your music written out in diamonds, hearts, clubs, and spades? Certainly. Well, how do you read it? It's simple. Here, I'll show you. Now, look at the sheet of music. See? Well, that makes no sense at all to me. Sure it does, Jackson. Take this bar, for instance. You see these notes right here, one right after the other? Oh, you mean the scale? Scale, what's that? Phil, if you want to play your music according to Hoyle, that's all right with me, but right now we have to have a song. Oh, Dennis! Dennis! Ugh! Dennis, what are you yawning about? I didn't get any sleep last night. My mother and father had a big argument. An argument? Yeah, it was all about you. My mother said you were a jerk. Hmm. And then my father got up and said you were a great guy and a fine example of a man. Your father said that? May he rest in peace. Now, stop being silly. Your father is sitting right out here in the audience. Yeah, doesn't he look awful? Cut that out. Dennis, why does your mother dislike Jack so much? Well, she used to go with Mr. Benny before she met my father. Oh, she did not. She says she did. Maybe. What was your mother's name before she married your father? I didn't know her then. Of course you did. Now, come on, kid. Let's have your song. Okay. Somebody bigger makes a flower who rides for the rob. Somebody bigger than you. Somebody bigger than you. She's sung by Dennis Day, or you and I, rather. I gotta stay away from Phil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Are we going to do a sketch tonight? Yes, Mary. A couple of weeks ago, I saw the that universal international picture, Mon Park Kettle at the fair. And it gave me an idea. So I went home and wrote a play about life on a farm. Now, I play the young husband and Mary, you're my wife. See, we're newlyweds and have just bought a farm. We have some neighbors that are very much like Mon Park Kettle. Oh, just a minute, Jack. Is there a part in it for me? Well, Don, the scene takes place on a farm so you can play the part of our horse. Oh, Jack, every time you do a farm sketch, I play the part of a horse. I want to do something else. Well, what would you like to be, Don? A canary. Don, you a canary? Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Well, that's not so bad. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we will present a rustic play entitled Down on the Farm. Set the scene, Don. And now, ladies and gentlemen, our play Down on the Farm, an Epic of Rural Life. As the scene opens, we find the newlywed Sylvia and Danny Klingenpiel driving out to their new home. Gee, Sylvia, I hope you like the new farmhouse I bought. Oh, I know I will, Mr. Klingenpiel. You can call me Danny. We've been married a week now. Well, here we are. Look, darling, there's our new home. And there's a man from the real estate office. Oh, Mr. Mr. How do you do? Stranger. I'm the new owner of this house. Your name is Frank Nelson, isn't it? It was Frank, but I changed it to Ike. I want people to like me. I see. This house looks like there's been a lot of work done on it recently. Yes, we completely remodeled it from the basement to the ceiling. Good, good. Will you show us through the house? Yes, but don't expect me to play the piano. Let's go inside. Come on, honey. All right. I'm talking to my wife. Oh, I thought everybody liked me. Look, we want to see the house. Will you take it through, please? If follow me. This is the living room. This is the dining room. This is the breakfast room. And this is the guest room. Guest room? How do you do? What was that? He's been a guest here through five owners. Five owners? Yes, he spent half the time in escrow. He writes through this door. There is little beauty. Very old and awfully dirty. Oh, Sylvie, that's just a little dust. I'll blow it off. Have you tried sand sand? Never mind. Well, it's getting kind of late. I better go. Goodbye, Mr. Nelson. Goodbye. Well, darling, here we are in our own little home. We better start getting to sleep on a farm. You know, you have to get up at four in the morning. You're right, sweetheart. Good night. Good night. Well, you hurry and get breakfast ready. I'll go out and milk the cows. It's a good thing I slept in my clothes. It's pitch dark this early in the morning. Now, where's the milking pail? Ah, here it is. Easy, bossy, easy. That's a good girl, bossy. Easy, bossy, easy. See, I can't seem to find... Uh-oh, wrong end. The cow looks like the rooster. Bossy, hold still while I fix the pail and stool. There. That's a good cow. Oh, la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la. But I think the cow is. Hey, Sylvia, what are you holding? Look, I just found it. It's a black kitten with a white stripe down its back. Well, shut up. That isn't the cutest little kitty. Have you tried sand sand? Sylvia, don't stand around. We've got to feed the animals. Okay. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, look, Danny. Isn't it cute the way our canary follows us around? Now, shoe canary, shoe. We've got to feed the chickens. Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. Here's some corn for you. Sitting on the nest. Where? Oh, yes. Well, I better get some oats for the horse, hay for the cow, and, uh... Our canary stepped on the horse and killed it. Mine is our canary stepped on the pig and killed it. That's an imitation of a pig. There he says it stands out on the cow and killed it. And the pig and killed it. Gee, that's too bad. Sylvia, maybe the canary is hungry. He can't be a little while ago. I gave him a side of beef. I'm giving him the other side. Now, let's get on with the... Oh, look, here comes someone. Hello? Power of the hill. Well, do you have a farm over there? Yep, I raise a little, this, little, that. Mostly corn. Well, your pig? Nope, from a still. Yep, it'll make 20 gallons a day. 20 gallons a day? Well, that isn't much. Ain't bad, mo, lady, don't drink. Here, Zeke, how long you been living around this section? Well, now, let me see. I moved here in 1918, and this is 1952. That's, uh, 20 years. Wait a minute, Zeke. From 1918 to now is 34 years you've lived here. Well, we don't count the 14 years the prohibition has lived. Oh, you got any children? Yep, I've got two boys. We ain't seen them since they run away with the circus 10 years ago. Sure missed the boss. Shame both of them left. Maybe one of them will come back. Nope, ain't likely. They're Siamese twins. Oh, twins, eh? Yep, they're pretty attached to each other. Oh, Zeke, you may not have a cow, but you sure milked that one. By the way, Zeke, is that field over there far to your farm? Yep, back to the farm. Yeah, that's the place where I raise my tobacco. They were my hired hands out there picking. Where? Right over there. Then we've been thinking, what a fine job we have here. Growing all this fine tobacco for those luckies every year. We know all about them. Ruben, is it true? Have you been to the county fair? Did you see those burlest dancers? Did you stare and then compare? Folks enjoy a lot. In luckies, maw and paw and grandpa too. It's the taste of fine tobacco. Only luck is gift to you. We get mail here in the country stamped with letters R-F-D. But the letters we all look for fast to say they're at four. Where's honey, Zeke? Good to see you all. Well, hello, uh... Maw Kettle is the name. Live right down the road. Which house? No house, just down the road. Yep, she's married to Paul Kettle, a laziest man in the state. Yep, you just can't make him move. One day, he sat on a acorn. 20 years later, we had to get him down out of the tree. No kidding. Well, what do you know? Here comes Paul Kettle now, the lazy critter. Name is Dennis, the folks call him Paul. Howdy, Paul. Oh, hi, Zeke. Hi, folks. Maw, put your arms around me and squeeze me. I feel like exhaling. Feels better. Any place to lie down around? Stand up for a while. Oh, by the way, what are you folks are figuring on raising here? The chickens. I wouldn't try it if I were you. I tried to raise some myself a few years ago and never had any luck. What happened? Bought 10 hens, they laid a lot of eggs, but none of them never did hatch. How many roosters did you have? Oh, roosters. Well, I guess I better be going along now. Gotta go home and help my pig write a letter. Your pig writes letters? Well, I just give him the paper. He already has the pen and oink. Too lazy. I'm just going in to have breakfast. Why don't you folks come in and join us? Well, that's okay with me. For me too. Pick me up, Ma. Well, come on, let's all go in and eat. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to solicit your help for the victims of muscular dystrophy. There are over 200,000 victims. Three-fourths of this number are males, and two-thirds of these males are boys under 18. It is commonplace that when the cause of a disease is found, the cure usually follows. So won't you please contribute as much as you can? Send your contributions to MDA, Los Angeles, 19, California. Thank you. That will be back in just a moment. So first... Friends, people everywhere are tearing and comparing, Seeing for themselves that luckies are made better to taste better. Try it yourself. From a newly opened pack, take a cigarette made by any other manufacturer and carefully remove the paper by tearing down the seam from end to end. Don't dig into or crumble the tobacco. Now do exactly the same with a lucky strike. Then compare. Some cigarettes are so loosely packed they fall apart. Some have air spaces, hot spots that burn harsh and dry. Others have too many broken bits of tobacco, giving you those annoying loose ends that spoil the taste. But just look at that lucky, a perfect cylinder of fine, mild tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Notice those long strands of fresh, clean, good tasting tobacco. Yes, luckies are made better to taste better to give you far more enjoyment from every puff. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton lucky strike. Do you do ta-ta-tari, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes the 36th program of our present series. And next week we will, oh my goodness, Rochester still on the phone. I wonder how he liked the show. Oh, Rochester! Rochester, how'd you like the program? Well, well... Well, how'd you like it? Wasn't the sketch what did that chicken do? She laid an A. Need I say more? This many program was brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Tonight's program was transcribed. This is the CBS Radio Network.