 Our show is still in Palm Springs, so let's go out to Jack Benny's house where we find Jack relaxing and reading the local newspaper Hmm. Look at all these want ads Here's one from Bullock store Wanted floor walker Must have owned carnation Wanted fry cook applied Chee-Chee restaurant Wanted stable boy had better have owned carnation Wanted gardeners helper at Deepwell Ranch Applied between two and oh, this is silly. I'm sure my sponsor will pick up my option But just in case he doesn't Well, they've got a gossip column here, too. Hmm her own power who was visiting here last week I Imagine that last night Pauline bet famous tennis player All these columnists sure get around Well, here's something about me Jack Benny I did not Imagine saying I went to the post office wearing a bare mid-riff this happened at the laundry shrunk my shirt Well, I finished the newspaper Rochester hand me those pamphlets I got from the Palm Springs Chamber of Commerce. Hey, I'm off. Thanks Listen to this Palm Springs the jewel of the desert where the warm radiant sun pours its golden treasure down on the happy and carefree inhabitants Palm Springs were the majestic peaks of the San Jacinto Mountains cast their spell of beauty for all to enjoy Do you hear that Rochester? And just think mother nature gives us all these things free. Yeah Well mom's got enough to do but I like Palm Springs back on thinking of buying a house here I even asked a real estate man to come over this afternoon But boss property is so expensive down here. I know it is but if I can find just what I want I'm willing to go up to $1,500 Yes What are you laughing at $1,500 ain't peanuts. I know but down here. That's all you're exaggerating No corner with the white pants around it. Well, maybe it had a There's a door. I'll get it. Are you Jack Benny? Well, I'm mr. Fulton the real estate man. Oh, yes. Yes step right in Rochester Take his hat coat and empty the sand out of his shoes And now mr. Benny just what type of house do you have in mind Spanish colonial or Prince Provincial? Well, mr. Fulton, I think a home should suit the individual. What kind of a house would fit me? How about early America? Oh, no, I don't think I'd like early America. How about sold America? Rochester? Hey, mr. Fulton, I don't know what to do. Did you bring your pictures with you? Yes, I did now Here's one of me when I graduated Pictures of your houses. Oh, yes. Yes, I always make that mistake. I guess it's because I have a head with seven gables Oh, and Garson's got every one of them. Well, mr. Fulton, let's get down to business Show me some pictures of what you have to offer. Gladly now here. We are here's a house that auto interests you and the price is $40,000 for a house. That's a lot of money. What about the ceiling and with the ceiling it'll be $60,000 Look at that. That's not what I mean. Anyway, it's much too expensive. Oh, not for this house It has a very novel innovation a 300-foot spiral banister You mean a spiral staircase, don't you? No, no a spiral banister That's for people who don't drink but want to know how it feels I don't think I'd like that. That bear should have saved me a flodgeon. Roger, please. Show me something else, mr. Fulton. Have you got a house with a swimming pool? No, but that's no problem I can build you a tile pool for only $10,000. No, no, I don't want to go that high Well, I can build you a cement pool for only $2,500 No, no, that's still too high for a swimming pool. Why don't you just dig a hole and hire a tribe of Indians to do a rain dance? What's so cheap about that they're organized, you know Anyway, mr. Fulton, I don't think you have the kind of a house I want. Well, let me show you one more Here's a beautiful house, and it's only $70,000 Well, it's a lovely place, but 75,000 or 70,000 is too much. Anyway, mr. Fulton, thanks very much for dropping in. Maybe we can talk about it some other time. All right. Goodbye, mr. Benny. Goodbye. Oh, mr. Fulton. Yeah What's that yellow stuff running out of your pocket? Oh my goodness, it's butter. I just sold the house on the corner. Oh Yes, yes, I heard about it. Goodbye, mr. Fulton. Goodbye Well, Rochester, I better get down to the Plaza theater. The broadcast will be on in a few minutes Say that reminds me boss the manager of the theater called up yesterday. What about well He said according to the rental contract when you finish your program You're supposed to leave and not hang around watch the picture See complaining about I stand up don't I Well, I got to get to the theater sure I drive you boss. No the wind will take me over today Played by Klondike Harris and his sweetest music this side of the Yukon and you can have it I set up all night writing that joke. I'll bet you hated yourself in the morning Not any more than usual Say Phil Larry Stevens saying that number two weeks ago. How come you repeated it as a band number? Why don't you tend to your comedy and keep your nose out of my business? Well, it happens to be my business too after all who's the star of this show? I don't know but when I see my paycheck every week. I know it ain't me Stop complaining you're getting a good salary. What are you talking about Alice gets more than I do for an autograph? And the moral of the story is learned to write Had to start the show without you where have you been? Oh, I'm sorry. I was laid down But you see I'm thinking of buying a house here and I was detained by a real estate man Oh, Jack you thinking of moving to Palm Springs. Well, I was toying with the idea Don You know, I like it here. I've been having so much fun horseback riding playing golf every day I played golf this morning. Didn't I marry? Uh-huh? You know down. They got the nicest little nine-hole course here You should have seen me this morning on that fourth hole I put down my ball picked up my club and then did once he missed it twice. He missed it once again It's been a long marry Certainly, I missed it. You know, it's hard to hit a ball when it's not teed up properly Well, you wouldn't have that trouble if you buy some teas Mary You mean to say that Jack doesn't use teas when he plays golf now He waits for a gopher to stick his head out of a hole and then he puts the ball on his nose. Oh Mary I play a good game of golf and you know it. Oh sure tell him what happened on the fifth hole Nothing happened. I did exactly what my golf teacher told me I placed the ball in line with my left foot brought the club over my right shoulder and wham He broke his toe. I Did not I killed the gopher He doesn't know the rules let him keep off the court Anyway, I play a better game of golf than anybody in this game I beat Phil the other day. Sure you beat me every time you took a nine on a hole You turned the scorecard upside down before you rode it in I'm gonna beat you without that I've had knocked one ball out of bounds Yeah, what about that bad slice you made on your first drive? Oh, that wasn't such a bad slice It wasn't how the ball went 50 yards made a u-turn came back and hit you in the stomach Mary then you got so mad you were gonna break your club against the tree. What stopped him when he drew his club back He saw the price tag on the bottom, so he put it back in his bag You can make up more things I still say I play a better I'll get it Hello Say boss mr. Fuller in the real estate man came back and said they found a few termites in the house So you can have it for a 65,000 termites I will rock as you tell mr. Fuller that I'm not paying any $65,000 for a house if he hasn't guessed that by now. He's been out in the sun too long. I Don't care where he's been. I'm not spending that kind of dough Would you pay 65,000 for a house and Palm Springs? I wouldn't pay 65,000 for a cabin in the sky Well tell the man tell the man Well the kids it looks like I'm not gonna buy a house here anyway Let's get on with the show because tonight We're gonna do a very important sketch and I want to start casting it immediately Hey Jackson, I thought you were gonna do a sketch next week We are Phil we're gonna do a sketch next week too And you'll never guess in a million years who our guest star is going to be Ray Milan. There's no use trying You'll yes, that's who it is Ray Milan The star of lost weekend and to make him feel at ease we're having a brass rail put around the microphone Anyway, that's next week Ray Milan. Gee. I think he's a wonderful actor. I can't drink them under the table Phil with him. It's bread and butter with you. It's tomato juice and black coffee Now let's get on with the sketch we're gonna do tonight It's a murder mystery and I'm gonna be the chief of police of Palm Springs Phil you're gonna be my sergeant and Don you're also gonna be a member of the force What am I gonna be Jack Mary? You're gonna play the part of a glamorous movie star who came to Palm Springs to be with her husband and at the start of the Play he murders you. Oh Jack if he murders me, I won't get in laughs. All right, then you murder him Now Larry Larry Stevens. Yes, mr. Benny. You're gonna be on the police force, too Come on keep moving keep not yet wait. Let's start And take all that Hoover button. I'll give you a badge Now Don Larry and Phil as long as you're going to be on my police force I'll have to swear you in and since all you people in the audience will be witnesses I'll have to swear you in too. Now. Come on everybody. Raise your right hand repeat after me LS MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco So round so firm so fully packed For me With men who know tobacco best it's luckies two to one with men who know tobacco best. It's lucky You thought you were getting in for nothing all right kids this play will go on immediately after a song by Hold it a minute. Come in and mr. Benny I just talked to the owner and you can have that house for $50,000 look mr. Fulton a few minutes ago You wanted $70,000 now. It's $50,000. Why is the price coming down so fast those termites are hungrier than we thought they Well in that case, I don't want the house Oh, don't worry about that mr. Benny the termites will be out by tomorrow. How do you know they're getting so bad off of me So goodbye. Goodbye. Sorry. I started looking for a place. Come on Larry Let's have your song hey by day sung by Larry Stevens and now ladies and gentlemen for our feature attraction tonight We are going to offer a mystery melodrama entitled murder at the Lone Palm or Her husband asked for some wine so she gave them both barrels The scene opens at the Palm Springs police station police cap no Benny is in his office behind closed doors grilling a suspect curtain music And you you're dealing with cap no Benny this time and I want to warn you anything you say will be held against you Now you're accused of robbing the post office taking up a train stealing the Hammerstein diamonds And then you boldly held up the first national bank and killed the cashier now confess you did it didn't you know Okay, you can go Peter said yes, I'd a hung them nobody puts anything over me I'll get it Hello Palm Springs police station and date shop Captain O'Benney speaking What? Yes, we have some with the stuffing in the middle and the walnut on top Oh, you want the walnuts in the middle and the stuffing on top We're out of those try the city hall Oh Harris yes, chief you arrested two fellas last night. I want you to stop filling this jail with crooks You understand well, I gotta do something with them during the height of the season this jail is for tourists I'm getting $12 a cell American plan Catch crooks during the summer More than cheap. Hi a man. How are things a lot of drunks on my beat a lot of drunks on my beat, too Well, what do you know pickled beat? I'll take it Palm Springs police station and date shop. Oh, Benny speaking. Hello, chiefy. This is Missy LaRue at the Lone Palm Yes, yes, what is it miss LaRue? Get a good grip on your badge. My husband has just been murdered Oh, he has a do you know who murdered your husband? No, have you got any ideas? Well now that he's dead. Yes All right, miss LaRue. I'm coming right over. Okay, chiefie and bring a half a pound of dates. We always do. Goodbye Come on man. Missy LaRue's husband has been murdered and I'm gonna find out who did it or my name ain't I'll take it Palm Springs police station and date shop Captain O'Benney talking. Oh, mr. Benny I'm here with the owner and you can have the house for $40,000 $40,000 a well, I might be interested. However, I'd have to talk fast the termites are spreading mayonnaise on the telephone Well, that settles it. I don't want it. Goodbye. Now. Come on, man Let's go and we'll find the murder of Missy LaRue's husband or my naming All right, man, here we are at the Lone Palm say this is a pretty classy place, isn't it? It certainly is look at that swimming pool. How about it chief? Why not? All right, come on, man. We got a mystery to solve This is the room bungalow right here Come in Hello, mr. Rue. I'm Captain O'Benney. I'm here to solve the murder of your wait a minute Where's your husband's body in the backyard? Was he killed in this hotel room? Yes, but check out time is three o'clock Tell me everything you know about this crime. I don't know anything. I was just sitting here putting my bubblegum You didn't hear a shot. No, I really pop it pop Come on, O'Harris. Let's look around this room for clues. Come on. Keep moving keep moving. Stephen. That's the body Come on, O'Harris. Let's go chief. Look there's a gun on the table. It's still smoking a smoking gun a what do you got to say to that? Mr.. Rue mark guns have been smoking lucky strikes for now. That's not what I mean Now listen, man. She's a pretty smart dame. So let's give her the chief chief the door knobs moving There's someone in that closet where right there. You're right Wilson Stand back everybody. We'll get him out of there. Now. Come on That closet or I'll shoot. Don't shoot. Don't shoot. It's me Oh the real estate man Are you the murderer? Well, what do you think I am with this knife in my hand the man who came to dinner? Oh Then you're the one that killed Missy LaRue's husband. Yes, I did it. I did it. I'm glad all right Then come clean. Tell me why did you do it? I'll tell you why he was the toughest customer I ever had That's why I offered him a house for $70,000 and he didn't buy it. Well, then I came down to 60,000 He still said no then 50 and 40 then 30 and he kept saying no no no Suddenly something with him a snap. It was driving me mad. Mr. Fulton. I went crazy So I took out my gun and let him have it I'm glad I did it glad I did it and I'll do it again. I'll do it to anybody who refuses to buy a house Mr. Fulton I Tried to sell you a house But you you kept tormenting. No, you kept saying no no I came down from 70,000 to 60,000 The 50,000 the 40,000 but still you said no mr. Fulton now you're going to buy that house or I'll change chief Oh worry. I'm arm. Have you got a gun? No a pen. Where do I sign? Right here on the dotted line. There is no dotted line. There is no Oh, yes, it's on my chest There you are the house is mine. Thank you, mr. Benny and goodbye. Oh, Miss LaRue. Yeah You can tell your husband to get up now. We've made the deal Yeah, like that. He picked me into buying that house All right, man. I've got a house now and I'll get those termites out of there or my name You know that house you just bought for me. Yes. Well, I can get you $200,000 for it $200,000 who in the world would pay that much the termites they're putting up a dollar a piece Well, let them have it they've got most of it anyway. Good night