 Does he love me or could it be this? Well, we're gonna dive into what I see as an epidemic or a tragedy of epidemic proportions going on in the dating, mating, or relating marketplace. And I think it's critically important to recognize that many people find themselves in what I call cyber relationships, cyber relationships. In other words, they are in relationships where they're texting each other incessantly. And this can go on for days, this can go on for months, and this can go on for even years. We are seeing an epidemic of people having text relationships or what I call cyber relationships. And in these experiences, we've noticed that a lot of people are getting attached to another person, attached, believing that they're experiencing love. And I wanna dive into this problem, particularly centered around attachment. And if you're not familiar with the variety of books, I talk about one book quite frequently called The Book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But I also recently interviewed Dr. Stan Tatkin who wrote the book Wired for Love. And let me just read you the subtitle. How to understand your partner's brain and attachment style can help you diffuse conflict, build a secure relationship. See, and by the way, he's written a corresponding books called Wired for Dating that brings us up in the dating realm. Why is this critically important? Is because I've observed humans might get attached to another person or bond to another person believing they're experiencing love, believing they're experiencing love. Now, I'm gonna say I've just observed that a significant percentage of the women who have come to me in my coaching practice are most likely what's known as an anxious love attachment style. And what that means is an anxious person that I'm quite familiar with this feeling of anxiousness because I am a recovering anxious attachment style. For an anxious person, we need quite a bit of validation to feel secure in a relationship. We need quite a bit of validation. Now, the corresponding opposite of that would be the avoidant attachment style. And the avoidant attachment style, while they are actually anxious on the inside, they need space from another person for them to actually be able to be in relationship. And if the person is coming at them anxiously, they pull away. So if you've ever experienced a man pull away from a relationship, it might be that he is an avoidant attachment style and he is needing space. So I think what's most important about this conversation is we confuse love with love attachment style. And healthy love is built on a different framework than most people are aware of. And what I mean to say is healthy love is built through, first off, is physical attraction. It's the first thing we see. In fact, hold on one second. Let me bring up my relationship iceberg. If you're not familiar with this, you can see above the lot waterline, it says attraction or chemistry. But below the waterline is shared values, blendable lifestyles, and most importantly, emotional maturity. See, many people believe they're experiencing love based on that initial chemical reaction to people had. And what happens is this chemical reaction bonds you to another person. In fact, you might feel like you're in love with this person. You might feel like you're in love. But does that mean you're actually compatible to be in a relationship together? I want you to ask yourself this. Have you raised your hand, state out loud, I've been in a relationship with someone who wasn't healthy for me. And I don't mean that they were toxic per se, but it wasn't a relationship that was aligned with one another. And yet you believed you love this person. Has this ever happened to you? Raise your hand, hit that like button, please let me know. See, it might be that you're experiencing love attachment style. And when we get hooked on this, we can be rather dependent about the other person feeding our need to be validated, feeding our need to be in relationship. We can actually turn into a codependent person. See, if you wanna know if a man is truly in love with you versus being attached to you, it's gonna show up in his actions, in his actions. Now, one of the primary actions a man feel or will exhibit when he genuinely comes from a heart-centered place of loving a woman is first and foremost, he will progress the relationship forward. He will progress the relationship forward. In other words, the relationship will have a progression of integrating into each other's lives, integrating into, he might invite you to a company party, he might invite you to be with his family and friends. That would certainly be progressing the relationship forward. In addition, he's very verbal about being in relationship with you. He will call you his girlfriend. He will talk about the future, not the first date kind of future, like, oh my God, you're so amazing. Oh my God, I've never met a woman just like you. You are so different than everyone else. If you've ever heard that on a first or second date, please raise your hand and said, I heard a man do that. Now, men typically do this when they're in a state of lust or they're in a state of limerence, and limerence means extreme infatuation. When I'm talking about the man who you've been dating for a couple months and he talks about the relationship, he talks about being serious, he talks about the future, he even plans things centered around the future. In other words, he knows he has a trip coming up and he'd like you to join him or he plans a vacation for the two of you. Or what's another example of a man planning the future? Might even be talking about eventually getting married or living together. And I'm talking about sometime after the three month mark, a man is progressing the relationship forward. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where after the three month mark, you were uncertain about the relationship, you were uncertain about even that your boyfriend and girlfriend? See today, sadly, dating today is turned into mostly hooking up, mostly hooking up. And when people hook up, they find themselves in something called a situation ship. Now, the reason why it's called situation ship is it's not defined. There isn't a clear cut boyfriend and girlfriend. There's no clear cut direction. Now, casual relationships are also part of this equation. Casual relationships are those where you might call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, you might even discuss monogamy and exclusivity. Okay, that's a casual relationship. And yet there's nothing concrete or solid about commitment. There's no real conversation about the future. Raise your hand if you found yourself in a hookup situation, you found yourself in a situation ship or you found yourself in a casual relationship. Now, here's the thing. You can spot people early on if you ask deeper questions very early on before you get hooked to another person. The problem is when you're hooked, it's too late. See, when you're hooked, a fantasy starts being built, a beautiful fantasy, I might add, because I think when we're in a state of we're feeling love, but the other person isn't, we romanticize, we take red flags and we turn them into green flags. I am guilty of doing this, so I'm completely aware of this. You know, the challenge we have when someone is experiencing attachment and not love. One of the main differences when a person is experiencing love, they're all in, they're all in. Like they recognize you as somebody they want as a partner in their life. Doesn't mean they're not in the relationship, but there's an all in. You've experienced this before, all in. That's why their love resides. You know, love resides in that experience of I'm all in. I'm not going anywhere. I only want you. If you don't, if you're feeling all in and you are uncertain about them being all in, then your relationship has a communication deficit. That's right, your relationship has a communication deficit. One of the things coming back to this book, Wired for Love, and by the way, there's a link below to Jonathan recommend, book recommendations down below if you want to get a copy of the books. I recommend. There's communication techniques to have these conversations of clarity. See, I'm a believer folks, when two people are physically intimate with each other, when, you know, you've heard me say it before, but when the PP gets to go inside the VG, VV, these are my weekend videos, I keep it kind of clean. The PP goes inside the VV. Okay. You have every right to ask questions about what are we doing here? Because if you're not feeling, like if you're feeling an attachment to him, if you're feeling a bond, if you're feeling love, and you're feeling uncertainty about his feelings, then there's a mismatch going on right there. There should be no ambiguity. And let me be clear about something. A man knows between the three and six month mark. Okay, let me reframe this. Emotionally healthy men, emotionally healthy men. Let me clearly point something out to you here. I should have put these up. Roughly, emotionally maturity relationship skills. Now, this is not a fact that's merely an opinion, but roughly 20% of the population has clinical emotional health issues. And while I say 20% are emotionally healthy, I could be very generous with that percentage. The vast majority of humans are dysfunctional. To some degree, they have weak relationship skills, weak emotional maturity. This is why you might get what I call the user out there. That person wants, he wants, he's the love bomber. He's the, he's seeking short-term gain, okay? He's got a short-term mating strategy, okay? By the way, these include women who are gold diggers and entitled women. They only care about themselves. It's roughly about 20% of the dating population. And then of those healthy people, those people are what I call grower and builders. Grower and builders are people that definitely want to stake their claim in a relationship. They want something serious. They even might be like me that they want to get remarried. I'm very clear. I want to get remarried again. I know a lot of women that don't feel that way. I know a lot of women that feel like they got burned in their previous marriage or something happened or maybe there's financial reasons. You know, I can understand not wanting a marriage certificate with the government, but at least a spiritual marriage is a declaration between two people. But coming back to being clear that you want something serious, that's another 20%. I said 20% are users, 20% are grower builders. And then everybody else are what I call spenders. And what that means is they want to spend time with you. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, usually at their own pace. See, this is how you know it's probably what they're feeling for you is attachment versus feeling love. And I believe when two people say, I love you to each other, this is what it should mean. It should mean I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here means I'm present. I'm present to this relationship. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm present. You matter. That means your feelings matter to me as much as my own feelings matter to me. I'm putting you on the same pedestal of myself, not above me, but not below me. You know, a lot of people in the red pill community would like you to believe that relationships are a hierarchy of one up, one down. In other words, the woman must submit to the man. She must be under the man's authority and must submit because he's the financial caretaker. That might have worked hundreds of years ago, but today we're in a whole different ballgame and quite frankly, that's a toxic recipe for disaster. The one up, one down type of dynamic. I think the healthiest relationships are the co-creative relationships that two people engage in, that co-creative relationship. Do you know what I mean by co-creative? Actually, I'm gonna recommend a book. Check out the book by Gary Zukoff called Spiritual Partnership. This is a great book for yourself, but I also recognize that a healthy relationship is where two people co-create something together. See, now you know you're in a state of loving with someone else if they're intentional, if they're progressing the relationship forward, they put your feelings at their own space. I'm here, you matter. The we are important, that's the relationship is a separate container. Like what Stan Tatkin talks about, Dr. Stan Tatkin talks about in his book, Wired for Love, is the couple bubble. You are a power couple. You are a force to be reckoned with together. That's the we are important. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. That means if you're having a bad day, I've got your back. If you need some support, I've got your back. I'm gonna be there for you. If you're going through challenges in your life, I'm gonna be there for you. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm all in. I'm all in. I really, sadly today, most relationships are relationships of what I call maybes. I'm kind of in, maybe. I'm kind of into you, maybe. I kind of love you, maybe. They're maybes. In other words, it's one foot in, one foot out. All in means you're in the deep end and you're gonna sink and swim together. And the last piece, I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. That means I crave you physically. I'm not gonna be on Instagram, checking out other women's pictures. I don't have a need to be on pornography because you entice me so much that I desire you. So how do you know it's love? Folks, I invite you to really ask yourself, have you experienced that kind of relationship? I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Because what many of you are experiencing even for yourself and for the man is you're experiencing, most likely, an anxious attachment feeling where you'll double down. Your needs aren't getting met on a habitual basis, but you'll keep doubling down. You'll put your head in the sand, hoping that somehow magic fairy dust will change everything. And I'm here to say magic fairy dust doesn't exist. And if you're with an avoidant, he wants to keep one foot out the door emotionally speaking. He might be physically there, but emotionally he's one foot out the door and all it takes is a little match to light that. To light that and you'll notice him pulling back. I haven't done this in a while. I know all of you have been told to lean back in your feminine energy to pull him back in. That doesn't work, by the way. And if it does, it temporarily works on an emotionally unhealthy man. See, a man who's emotionally healthy, who's ready for love, I said this a moment ago, he knows within the three month, no later than the six month mark, whether or not you're the one for him. That may take him longer to feel a sense of trust for the two of you, but he's at the six to three month mark, he's progressing the relationship forward. And if your relationship took off like this, hit a plateau and it's starting to come down like this, all the fantasizing of the world won't, you could watch every video, how to turn my guy on, how to do this, how to do that, it won't work. Because quite frankly, he's most likely not capable of loving you. And the reason why he's not capable of loving you is because we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality or people with clinical issues. And it doesn't make them bad people, it just makes them incapable of going deeper into commitment. And so they might just be marginally attached to you, but they're not in love with you. Because if you ask any of your dear friends who are in happy relationships, that they're in love with each other, you will see that usually at the three month to six month mark, the relationship started to progress in an upward fashion, not hit a plateau and not sink down. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below if you've got something to add, if you've got something to share. And if it did resonate with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And please also hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. Does he love me or is it this? I hope we answered that question. I'd like to hear your thoughts. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as a way I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Johnathan Barrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet. A teddy bear, a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye.