 Now, Anderson, the tablet's thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn, present, Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. Time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks transcribed, but first, may I make a suggestion that you will probably thank me for some day? It's simply this. The next time you suffer from headache, neuritis, or neuralgia pain, try Anderson. The reason we suggest this is because we feel sure you will be surprised at how incredibly fast Anderson gives you relief. Thousands of people who have tried Anderson say its action is truly astonishing. Anderson is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anderson contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven, active ingredients in easy to take tablet form. Thus, in taking Anderson, you are following sound principles. The next time you suffer pain from headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, don't wait for relief. Try Anderson. On this guarantee, if the first few Anderson tablets do not give you all the relief you want as fast as you want it, return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. You can get Anderson at any drug counter in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. I'll spell the name for you, A-N-A-C-I-N. Well, when a woman feels about a man the way our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High, feels about Phillip Boynton, the biology instructor, she's usually pretty patient with him. But after going together for six years, she's beginning to feel that she's given him enough rope. I'm also beginning to feel like getting some of the rope back so I can hang myself. All in all, I accomplished some pretty high class brooding during the week. But oddly enough, it was my landlady's cat who finally took my mind off my personal problems. She was missing at dinner Wednesday night and when she didn't show up Thursday morning at breakfast, I mentioned my concern to my landlady. Really, Connie, there's nothing to worry about. Minerva stayed away many times. But Mrs. Davis, she wasn't here for dinner last night. Now you know Minerva. She'll be back. Anyway, dear, it isn't like you to worry about things like that. There's something else behind your nervousness, isn't there, Connie? Something else? Yes. You've been brooding all week long. Has Mr. Boynton been bothering you? I should live so long. Well, if you want to look at it that way, my brooding has something to do with Mr. Boynton. In fact, it has everything to do with Mr. Boynton. I thought that was it. Here it is near the end of another school year and his attitude toward me still hasn't changed. Well, Connie, you listen to me. For once, I'm going to talk to you like a Dutch uncle. For six years now, I've watched how you handle Mr. Boynton. And as far as I can see, there's only one way you'll ever become Mrs. Boynton. I know. Bump off his mother and marry his father. No, you've got to change completely. Change? Exactly. And all the time you've known Mr. Boynton, you've been completely independent. You've gone Dutch on dates, loaned him money, while you were as self-reliant as he was. And what's the result? You're a pal to him, a buddy, but never a woman. You mean he thinks of me as a playmate instead of a maid? Precisely. Now, there are several things you can do to make him think of you as a woman. Wouldn't it save time if I just showed him my birth certificate? I'm not kidding, Connie. A man likes to feel he's needed by a woman that he's being depended upon. He enjoys being the big protector. You may have something there, Mrs. Davis. What do you suggest I do? Well, have you ever cried on his shoulder? Cryed? I mean really turned on both faucets. Well, no, I never... That's the greatest gimmick we women have. A man can't stand to see a woman cry. His defenses go down, and all his protective instincts come to the fore. Most men will do anything to stop a woman from crying. But, Mrs. Davis, I can't turn on my tear ducts like that. You could if you had a little help. Help? Connie, I have an idea. I'm going to cut up some raw onions and put them in your handbag. Raw onions? Oh, Mrs. Davis, I wouldn't... That must be Walter Denton to drive me to school. Be out in a minute, Walter. Connie, if you want to see how effective tears can be, this is the best possible way. But, Mrs. Davis... Oh, once in his life, you've got to make Mr. Boynton aware of your presence. If I open that handbag, the whole school will be aware of my presence. Come to think of it, though, it would be very interesting to see how Mr. Boynton reacts to tears. You'll be amazed, Connie. Now, I'll just take your handbag into the kitchen and be back in a minute. Where is it there? It's over on the sideboard. Oh, and Mrs. Davis, before I forget, please call me later in the day and let me know if Minerva shows up. All right, dear. My brother Victor promised to help me look for her today. I'm sure she'll turn up all right. Now, then, is there anything else? Yes, if you do find Minerva, don't discuss what we're having for dinner in front of her. She might not show up for another six days. Walter, be careful. Please don't drive so fast. Walter! Oh, now, for goodness' sake, slow down. You just missed two fire hydrants by inches. I guess I'm out of practice. The reason I'm hurrying is because I was over at the conclins last night and old marble head, Mr. Conklin, he said he wanted to see you first thing today. Oh, he did? Well, then, by all means, drive the way you were before. Well, you mean you want to get there faster? No, but that way we have a 50-50 chance of not getting there at all. No, no, we'll make it all right. Oh, Miss Brooks, pardon me for mentioning it, but there's a slight smudge on your nose. A smudge? Yeah, I can't understand where it came from. Me either. After all, this car is only open on five sides. See, I've got a handkerchief right here in my handbag. I did have one in here. Where did I put it? Well, Miss Brooks. Miss Brooks, what is it? What's what? You're crying. I've never seen you cry before. What is it, Miss Brooks? What happened? Nothing, Walter, nothing at all. Then why are you crying? Oh, Miss Brooks, please don't. I can't stand to see you cry. Particularly a woman I'm as fond of as I am of you. Oh, it's all right, Walter. Believe me, I'm all right. No, you can't fool me, Miss Brooks. I know what you're doing. No, you can't fool me, Miss Brooks. I know you too well. Something terrible must have happened for you to keep crying this way. Oh, it's not so terrible. I just can't get this bag closed. I mean, I'll be all right in a minute. Oh, please, let me help you, please. Oh, something happens to me when I see a woman crying. Honestly, right now I've got butterflies in my stomach. What can I do? Get Technicolor X-rays. I'll do anything. If you'll only just stop crying. Are you kidding? If I can get results like this, I'll make Niagara Falls look like a damp blotter. Is it and what do you want? Miss Brooks, and not a thing, bye. Did you want to see me, Mr. Conklin? I asked to see you, Miss Brooks. Believe me, there's a difference. Sit down, please, and I'll come straight to the point. Yes, sir. Miss Brooks, I have a little problem to pose to you. A problem, Mr. Conklin? It's something that I'd like your advice on. You see, the PTA has asked me to make a speech tomorrow night, and speeches take time and preparation. Preparation that can't be accomplished during school hours. Therefore, an evening must be devoted to it. Follow me so far, Miss Brooks? Like a reluctant beagle. Oh, yes, sir, I do. Well, since the speech must be prepared this evening, and since there's no one else to turn to, if you were me, what would you do? I'd sit down and write the speech myself. I accept your kind offer. Be over at my house at nine sharp. But, sir, I meant that you should write it. I have an appointment with Mr. Boynton for tonight. Oh, you have? Well, naturally, you can't break a date at the last minute. Oh, I'm glad you see it that way, Mr. Conklin. Indeed I do, Miss Brooks. I wouldn't dream of separating you two tonight for the work. That's very considerate, sir. While you are working on my speech to the PTA, Mr. Boynton can sit in the same room, preparing my report to the Board of Education. But, Mr. Conklin... I'll see you at nine tonight. Oh, and before you face your pupils, Miss Brooks, it might be advisable to remove that smudge from the side of your nose. Smudge? Oh, that's right. I never did get that thing off. Is it very noticeable, sir? Not very. It just looks as if your hair net slipped down. Can I lend you something to take it off with? Oh, no thanks. I have a handkerchief right here in my bag. At least I thought I had one in here. Where is that handkerchief? Miss Brooks. Miss Brooks, what is it? What's what? You're crying. I've never seen you cry before. There, there. Where, where? Nothing, Mr. Conklin, nothing at all. Then why are you crying? I'm not crying. Then cry your eyes at once, at once, do you hear? Miss Brooks, forget about tonight. I'll never ask you to work at my house again. I'll never ask you to do anything again. Never. Anything, I promise. Oh, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Please stop crying. Something happens to me when I see a woman cry. I get butterflies in my stomach. Oh, they get around, don't they? I'll do anything, anything you ask. Only please stop crying. Oh, yes, sir. There. I've stopped. Oh, thank goodness. Are you all right now? Would you be able to take your first class, Miss Brooks? Yes, sir. But first I have to make a very grateful phone call. A grateful phone call to whom? Well, let's just call her a gal who really knows her onions. Friends, when agonizing pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable and every move is a torment, that's the time to reach for heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that's strong yet does not burn. The moment you apply it, you can feel heat soothing, warm, working to relieve your painful miseries. That's because heat penetrates deep, brings immediate relief to sore, aching muscles. Wherever you ache, just brush on heat. Heat penetrates deep, keeps working for hours to bring wonderful soothing comfort to the painful aching area. Your pain seems to disappear. Heat isn't oily, sticky, or messy. You just brush on heat with a handy applicator that comes with each bottle and it dries in seconds. So remember, when pain of rheumatism, muscle strain, or backache makes you miserable, heats penetrating warmth gives you fast, long-lasting relief. Get heat, H-E-E-T. Heat, the liniment that penetrates deep to bring immediate relief. Well, so far Mrs. Davis' idea that tears could soften up any man from Miss Brooks has worked beautifully, but with the wrong men. Now as Miss Brooks waits at a table in the school cafeteria for the big experiment, Mr. Boyton, her prize guinea pig, is deep in conversation with Walter Denton at the entrance to the cafeteria. So I thought you might know why Miss Brooks did all that crying this morning, Mr. Boyton. I haven't the slightest idea, Walter. What's more, I simply can't imagine Miss Brooks crying. I couldn't either until this morning. Well, I still can't believe it of her. I thought only women cried. That is weaker women. Me too. I've always thought of Miss Brooks as a kind of rock of Gibraltar. That's funny. I've always pictured her as sort of an indestructible battleship. But I suppose each of us has his own romantic impression of the same woman. Whatever's causing it must be pretty awful. But whatever it is, I'm sure you could take her mind off her troubles, Mr. Boyton. I'm willing to try, Walter. I'm going to meet her for lunch now, and the idea that I hope will make her forget her own worries. Whatever they are. Oh, that's well. Good luck, Mr. Boyton. Oh, there we are. There who are? Oh, we. Yes, here I am. Please sit down, Mr. Boyton. Oh, thanks. Where's your lunch, Miss Brooks? Oh, I thought maybe you'd go and get both our lunches. Here, I'll just open my bag and give you the money. Miss Brooks, take your hand away from your pocketbook this minute. Since when have I let you pay for your lunch? Since when haven't you? Well, anyway, I'm paying for lunch today. It's a fine time to start. Well, you don't mind if I open my bag to powder my nose, do you? Oh, not at all, Miss Brooks. I'll wait right here till you get back. I should have left that smudge on my face while I was ahead. You see, Mr. Boyton, I haven't been quite myself today. Here, so I heard, Miss Brooks. I also heard that you've been crying. Well, I could hardly believe it. Must be something terribly serious. Oh, it is. It is. Then I suppose my troubles had seemed minor by comparison. Your troubles? Has something happened to you, too? Oh, it's hardly worth mentioning, Miss Brooks. My father had a little fire in his place of business last week. Oh, really? Any serious damage? Oh, not with any of us Boytons that call serious. It was quite a fire, though. Where is your father's place of business, Mr. Boynton? He operates a small factory upstate. Oh, what does he manufacture? Paper boxes and excelsior mostly. The whole shebang burned to the ground. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Was he insured? Funny thing about that. His policy lapsed the day before the fire. Pretty careless planning. I mean... What is he going to do? Oh, he'll just borrow some money and build another plant, I guess. My brother will be able to help out as soon as his broken leg heals. Your brother has a broken leg? He broke it trying to rescue my sister. Got to her just in time. Oh, well, that's good. Yes, she should be coming out of shock any day now. Shock? Oh, Mr. Boynton, you have had a rough time. I'm surprised you never mentioned any of this before. Oh, I was going to, but then I figured, why should I bore you with a lot of family trivia? It's all part of living, I always say. Well, you've certainly shown a lot of courage bearing up the way you have, Mr. Boynton. Oh, it was nothing, really. Oh, hello, Harriet. Hello, Harriet. Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. Are you feeling better? Then whom? I mean, I feel quite well, thank you. Oh, I'm so glad. You look pretty grim in class before. Oh, Daddy wants to see Mr. Boynton right away. He says he should get down to his office on the double. On the double? That's right. And you know Daddy when he says get there on the double. When Daddy says get there on the double, you'd better get there on the triple. So, Mr. Boynton, you have no idea why Miss Brooks has been crying all day. Not the faintest, Mr. Boynton. I wouldn't have imagined it possible if I hadn't seen her do it right here in my office this morning. It's very unlike her, sir. Indeed it is. I still have difficulty believing it of Miss Brooks. I've always thought only people cried. That is weaker women. Yes, exactly. I've always thought of Miss Brooks as an indestructible battleship. Have you really? Isn't that funny? I've always pictured her as a heavily armored tang. But this morning when she started to blink her gun slits, to blink her eyes, and they filled with tears, I was completely disillusioned. Well, it must be something pretty serious. Hello. I was good conquering speaking. Who? Oh yes, I'll give Miss Brooks a message. What? Well, that's terrible, terrible. Oh yes, yes, I'll break it to her as gently as I can. Goodbye. Well, that call explains everything. Who was it, sir? Mrs. Davis' brother. He said to just tell Miss Brooks that the poor deer is still missing. Missing? Why, no wonder Miss Brooks was depressed. Mrs. Davis has been a second mother to her, and she's gone. Well, it was inevitable that she'd wander off for a thing. Inevitable? From the moment I met her, I always said that Mrs. Davis was a natural for amnesia. She will return in a moment. Playback in 1512, an explorer named Pontha De Leon discovered the peninsula we now call Florida. Months and maybe years later, news of his discovery filtered back to the old country, full of distortions, legends and wild reports. Communications was a pretty hit and miss affair in Pontha's day. In our 20th century, however, communications have reached the complexity and precision of a science and the swiftness of magic. When you listen to CBS Radio, your living room is on the news fronts of the world. Events reach you almost as they happen, and they're reported accurately, completely and without bias. The roster of CBS Newsmen includes such names as Edward R. Murrow, Lowell Thomas, Larry Lassur, Eric Severide, Howard K. Smith, Robert Trout, and many others, all well-qualified by years of experience at home and abroad to bring you the kind of news you want to hear, straight, accurate, and up to the minute, CBS Radio News. Listen to it every day and keep well-informed. Well, so far today, a few tears plus a missing cat have resulted in a near-cost celeb for our Miss Brooks. After taking a brief phone message for her, Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton have convinced themselves that the reason she has been in tears almost all day is that her landlady is missing. However, as Miss Brooks answers a phone call at home that evening, she is unaware of their deductions. Hello? Hello, Connie. I'm sorry I couldn't be home for dinner. Did you fix yourself something nice? Yes, Mrs. Davis, I fixed myself real nice. I finished the Hungarian goulash. Did you find Minerva yet? Not yet, dear, but I'm certain she'll turn up. If not tonight, then certainly in time for breakfast tomorrow. She might at that, now that the goulash is gone. By the way, Siege, my brother Victor left a school for you. Yes, Mr. Conklin gave it to me. And oddly enough, he seemed even more disturbed about Minerva's disappearance than I am. Oh, isn't that nice? Well, don't worry, Connie. I'll be home in a little while. Don't hurry, Mrs. Davis. Mr. Boynton ought to be here any time now and I'm going to try your crying routine on him. It worked beautifully with the others. Oh, I'm going to get to your handbag. Just stick your head in the fruit bowl on the end table. You'll get the same results. The fruit bowl? But there are only apples in that. They're just the camouflage on top. Underneath, it's loaded with onions. Mrs. Davis, you think of everything. Oh, there's the doorbell. That's probably Mr. Boynton. I'd better hang up. All right, dear. Good luck. Thanks, Mrs. Davis. Goodbye. Good evening, Miss Brooks. Good evening, Mr. Boynton. Come in. Thank you. Miss Brooks, I heard the sad news today from Mr. Conklin and I want you to know you have my deepest sympathy. Huh? It must be a great strain to have such a close companion missing. Companion? Oh, her. Yes, I do miss her. It's probably in the evening like this when you miss her most. You're right, Mr. Boynton. It's probably the night before last I sat in this chair reading and stroking her back for hours. You did? Oh, you should have heard her purr. She always responded to affection. She was the affectionate type, all right. She certainly was. You don't know how many times a night she used to jump up on my lap and beg to be scratched. I beg your pardon? You'd like me to tweak her whiskers, too? Oh, really, Miss Brooks? I know you've got a keen sense of humor, but this seems hardly the time. Why not? Oh, I'm sure we'll find her. Well, I hope so. Oh, we always have in the past. Either lying asleep in some alley or... out yowling on some fence. What? Well, I had no idea Mrs. Davis indulged. Davis? I was talking about our cat Minerva. But I thought Mrs. Davis was missing and that you were all alone. Alone? Oh, I am. She is. Mrs. Davis and her cat Minerva are missing together. They're inseparable, you know. Never do anything without the other. Oh, it's a tragedy, Mr. Bornham. A great tragedy. Oh, now take it easy, Miss Brooks. Here, sit down on this chair. Let's take the couch. To think that now I'm all alone. All alone in the world. Hand me my bag, Mr. Bornham. Miss Brooks, you're not going to cry. Just hand me my bag, please. Thanks. Now, where is that handkerchief of mine? Oh, here it is. Here it is. Please, Miss Brooks, please don't cry. Oh, I'll be all right, Mr. Bornham. It's just that after all these years of wonderful companionship... Miss Brooks, please stop crying. I can't stand it. You can't? No, Miss Brooks. Please don't. I'm going to be all alone, Mr. Bornham. All alone. No, no, you won't, Miss Brooks. You'll always have me. You won't. If Mrs. Davis doesn't return, I'll look after you. I've been thinking, Miss Brooks. Why can't you and I? Why can't we? That's what I'd like to know. Go on, Mr. Boy... Mr. Boynton? Yes? Yes, Mr. Boynton? Yes? The doorbell rang, Miss Brooks. I know. It always does when I'm dreaming. Well, I'd better answer it, I guess. Mrs. Davis, what are you doing here? Don't you remember? I live here. I'm sorry I had to ring, Connie, but I forgot my key. Oh, yes, your key. You seem nervous about something, dear. Did I get back too soon? Just about a week too soon, Mrs. Davis. What are you talking about, dear? I purposely hurried home to show you who I found. Meow! Minerva! I knew how concerned you were about her, but now she's found and all your worries are over. Except one. What's that? How can I lose her again? Mrs. Davis, you know that phone message your brother gave Mr. Conklin? Yes. Well, he misunderstood it, and now everyone thinks you're the one who's missing. Me? I told Mr. Boyden you and Minerva were both missing, and he was so touched he was about to propose. He must have been touched. That is I. Who is it, Miss Brooks? It's just a policeman reporting on Mrs. Davis, Mr. Boyden. A policeman? You got nothing to worry about, Miss Brooks. We got the best men on the force looking for her. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Davis. Now, if you only stay out of sight for a little while, I'll go back into Mr. Boyden and help him finish what he started. Certainly, dear. I'll take Minerva and get into this hall closet. Oh, you're a doll, Mrs. Davis. Miss Brooks, what was that? What was what? I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear that either. It seemed to be coming from the hall closet. I'm going to investigate. Oh, Mr. Boyden, wait! Mrs. Davis, what are you doing in there? Mrs. Davis, there's no one by that name in here. Minerva! There's no one by that name in there either. It's no use, Connie. I guess the jig is up. Miss Brooks, I think you owe me an explanation. You told me that... Miss Brooks, where are you going? I'm not sure yet. Just forward all my mail to the Missing Persons Bureau. This is directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Allsberg and Al Lewis with the music of Lud Bluskin. Mr. Compton was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Billy Gould. In the annual awards poll conducted by TV Radio Mirror Magazine, for the third time, American radio listeners have chosen Eve Arden as their favorite comedian. We hope all of the listeners will want to read about Eve and the awards in the May issue, now on the newsstands. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks.