 The science shows when we disclose, we open the door to more disclosure from strangers. So you don't have to think about this if I can only disclose around friends or people that I trust. We're actually wired to disclose more around strangers and you answering your own question, that disclosure powers the conversation. We've probably all heard of the Ford method to small talk. These are the four topics of small talk that everyone loves to engage in. So the Ford acronym stands for family, occupation, recreation, and dreams. So what do you do for a living? You're asking them about their occupation. What do you and your family enjoy doing on the weekends? You're now bringing up family and you're also talking about recreation. So the Ford method still works, right? It's great topics, but we're striking up that conversation with a question. That's the key because it gets the other person to open up and it really shows us very quickly if this person wants to have small talk, right? Instead of making statements, blurting things out, reading can lines that you have found on the internet, all we have to really do is put on our thinking hat and get a little bit more curious about the other person and all of a sudden we're gonna start to see conversational threads appear out of thin air. Now, the second part of our equation, we've asked the question, we have to listen to their answer. And as Johnny pointed out, this is often very difficult for us if we're feeling a little bit of anxiety, we're feeling unsure of ourselves, and we're trying to think about the next perfect thing to say. If you're doing that and you're anticipating their response, you're not actually listening to their answer. And this is a pitfall that many of our clients fall into in this video work exercise and boot camp where they have a question, they've thought about it and they start to anticipate what the person's gonna say in response so they can start thinking about, oh, now I know what the next step is gonna be. And inevitably, they don't hear the answer they were anticipating. And we do that as a way to practice difficult conversations, but oftentimes with strangers, they're not gonna give you the answer that you're anticipating. So let's not get ahead of ourselves and start thinking about the next thing we could ask and the next thing we could say, if we stick to the formula, we have to treat their answer as gold. Their answer is what we are in the third step going to relate to. So we've asked the question, we listened to their answer, question plus answer equals drum roll please, a statement. This is when we actually disclose something about ourselves. We can answer our own question, we can talk specifically and relate to their answer or we can make a non sequitur based on something that their answer provided or made us think about. But either way, our response is not another question. It's so key. If you respond with a statement, you've provided fuel for that small talk. And that's what we're really talking about here because so many of us, as Johnny said, fall into this habit of asking questions. I know I did. As an introvert, I'm like, this is great. I just got to ask questions and I can listen. I'm good at that. And then people on the other end don't learn anything about AJ. I'm not memorable, I'm not captivating, I don't stand out. And oftentimes I'm someone that you wouldn't wanna spend more time with because you feel like you're giving all of this energy and effort to the conversation while getting nothing in return. I wanna share something for our most analytical and probably perceptive listeners, which is the question we get all the time. How can I make a statement if I don't know anything about what they just shared? Guess what? You not knowing about that is a statement. I've never been to Vienna. Oh man, I've actually never stayed in Las Vegas. I had no idea there are entire facades of cities and fake Eiffel Towers. And then ask another question. You're allowed to say, I don't know. I have never, I've never watched a football game. Oh, I've never played basketball. That's okay too. That level of disclosure, as Michael shared earlier in the science, allows the other person to feel comfortable disclosing something and getting more vulnerable. But so many of us, when we go into small talk, we think I have to relate. I have to agree. I have to become someone that I'm not. And if I don't like sports, if I'm not into those things that my coworkers talk about at the water cooler, well, I guess I should avoid it. I guess I shouldn't engage in it. And that's just the wrong way to look at things. When you provide someone else an opportunity to explain, to educate, to share what excites them, what they're passionate about, you actually make them happier. You create an opportunity where they feel better. Again, it's counterintuitive, but the science shows when we're helping others, when we're explaining to others, when we're teaching to others and sharing our gifts, we're actually happier. So by saying you don't know something, you're providing a special moment for that person to really relish and think about what drew them to Champions League soccer? Well, actually watching games with my dad growing up really got me excited about soccer. And now you can think about a shared experience with your father. Maybe your father took you fishing. Maybe your father took you hunting. That's a simple way to relate even if the core topic of what was chosen doesn't seem to be something that you're interested in or you're even familiar with. So let's not fall into that pitfall. That's a common one that we hear. And there's one other pitfall that I wanna point out that Johnny illustrated in that example with Michael. That's sometimes, even if you have the best question, you're gonna get a one-word answer. You're gonna get a great, you're gonna get a cool, you're gonna get an awesome. And in that situation, answer your own question. Demonstrate for that person who might be shy, nervous, introverted or not quite hearing exactly what you're asking. Demonstrate and disclose your answer to that question. And you would be surprised at just, again, giving that opportunity. So we're asking a question and we're answering our own question. Why would I do that? Because as Michael shared, the science shows when we disclose, we open the door to more disclosure from strangers. And remember guys, if you've learned something from this video and I hope you did, make sure you hit the subscribe button, hit that notification bell. That way you'll always know when we put up a new video. And if you have any questions, make sure you put them in the comments below. So you don't have to think about this if I can only disclose around friends or people that I trust. We're actually wired to disclose more around strangers and you answering your own question, that disclosure powers the conversation. And here's the thing. What we're actually doing in the conversation formula is we're giving the other person value. Our definition of value is attention, acceptance and appreciation. We're giving them attention by listening to their answers. We're giving them acceptance by in our statements, responding to their answers, relating to their answers, accepting what they're sharing. And of course, from time to time, that relation that we have might actually be appreciative in celebrating something that the other person shared with us. So these small micro interactions and small talk moments that we're having with the conversation formula provide that opportunity for other people to feel amazing around us. And Maya Angelou has that famous quote that so many of us go back to. People don't remember what you say. They don't remember what you do. They just remember how you made them feel. So if you make them feel heard, if you make them feel connected, if you make them feel appreciated, they are going to remember you for the right reasons. And so many of us, again, as we talked about in the previous small talk episode, have this idea implanted in our brain that small talk has to be boring. Small talk is boring. We label it as boring. We try to jump over it and skip it entirely. It only serves us if we don't take that view, if we actually bring some enthusiasm and excitement and energy into these conversations. So words matter, as you know, of the art of charm, but also our body language, our vocal tonality and the way we express those words matters. So when we're in small talk, we wanna talk about how important it is to be expressing excitement, enthusiasm and engagement in our body language, in our responses to their questions and statements because that's what really connects us. As humans, we relate emotionally and we will often mirror the emotions that other people around us are sharing. So that's why the conversation formula has to be delivered with enthusiasm, excitement and engagement to showcase to the other person that you actually care about their answers. Now, in the 1990s, a number of studies fleshed out the concept of emotional contagion. The idea is that humans synchronize with the emotions of those around them, either unconsciously or consciously. And typically, we may even mimic other people's expressions, vocalizations and movements, even absolute strangers. So at its most basic level, if someone smiles at you, you often will smile back and in turn it makes both of you happy. So we want to use this exact concept to our advantage. When we're asking that question, we're smiling, we're making eye contact, we are showcasing the positive emotions that we want the other person to feel and embody and mirror back to us. That's what makes small talk captivating. If I had my arms crossed, my eyes looking down and I looked with a furrowed brow and said, what are you drinking, Michael? I'm gonna get a much different response than a big smile saying, what are you drinking? That looks really good. So you have to remember that our emotional state conveyed in the conversation formula is gonna be mirrored back at us. So if you find yourself asking questions and not getting warm responses, not getting positive responses like we demonstrated earlier, odds are you're probably not expressing those warm and positive emotions which we see time and time again in our boot camp video work exercises. Internally, you may be feeling over the moon excited but a lot of us have become so stoic and stern in our facial expressions and our responses and in our body language that we're not conveying that warmth and positive energy when we deliver that question, when we strike up a conversation. So if that's a pitfall that you're facing, you've done the formula, you've listened to this podcast, you've taken notes diligently and you're excited to use it but you're not getting that warmth and response, odds are you gotta look at your body language and the emotions you're conveying when you are asking those questions, when you are giving your statements back in response because they may not be conveying the message that you want and certainly not making you memorable. Now this stuff, you don't have to get perfect. All right, now what you're thinking right now is the first time I'm gonna try this, I'm gonna know what I'm doing, I'm gonna screw it up a little bit. Listen, you don't have to be perfect at this. Just bringing this in a little bit is going to make your conversations, your small talk so much better than before. So don't let perfection be the enemy of good, right? Train. And here's how we want you to train this because the amazing thing is that while it's easy to practice with strangers, you can practice with everyone. So the next time you call your best friend, the next time you sit together with your partner, the next time you go for a walk and you talk to that person at the pedestrian crossing, bring in the statement and introduce it there and just practice around with it. This is something to have fun with. This is not something to get 150% perfect all the time. So next phone call, maybe have a posted note next to your phone that says, make statements. Maybe the next time you're on a Zoom call, you have this posted note next to your monitor that says make statements. And the next time you talk with your family, make statements. So to recap, the most important thing that we want you to understand is the science behind self-disclosure and why counter-intuitively we will actually share more with strangers than our close friends. Often assuming that our close friends and family already know this information, but with strangers, we're more likely to actually self-disclose. And that's what we use, that science in our conversation formula to allow you to have captivating small talk. When we're disclosing with strangers, it begets more disclosure from them. So it's a great way for us to actually start having great conversations with the people that we're meeting. The conversation formula, super simple question, listen to their answer, equals a statement from you. Even if you've never experienced it, you may not be familiar with what they're talking about, or that's just not one of your favorite things to do, letting other people know that in your statement still powers that conversation forward and certainly doesn't make it boring. The last point in all of this is if you're not bringing energy and enthusiasm, you're not using the emotional contagion to actually get the other person to mirror back that emotion. Well, you are gonna be stuck in boring small talk because your energy tells the other person that you're not interested or enthusiastic about anything that you're sharing or asking of them. And in turn, they're not gonna feel willing or interested to share more with you. Now, the next Toolbox episode, we're gonna talk about transitioning out of small talk. So if you've listened to the last Toolbox episodes, you now know some of the myths and one of the biggest mistakes you might be making with small talk. And today you got a simple strategy to make small talk more compelling and captivating. We'll see you next week.