 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling long, feeling tense. Please take for a dark common sense. Mocha Lucky. To be your level best. Mocha Lucky. To be your level best. That's just how you'll feel when you light up a Lucky. Because Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. It's important to know that fine tobacco can do this for you. And L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco puts you on the right level, the Lucky level, where things seem right and are right, because you feel right. Yes, Mocha Lucky, to feel your level best. The Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Dane, yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, the Jack Benny show holds its rehearsals on Saturday. So, we'll take you back to yesterday in Studio B at CBS. Well, kids, if everybody's here, let's start rehearsing. Well, Jack, Mary isn't here yet. And neither's our guest star, Van Johnson. Both late? Gee, see, that's funny. Dennis, Dennis, what are you laughing at? You said it was funny. Dennis, when I said it was funny, I meant it was hard to believe. That's right, kid. When Jackson says something's funny, it's hard to believe. Phil, stop being on my side. Maybe Van Johnson got mixed up about the time. I hope he gets here. Stop worrying, Dad. What do you need Van Johnson for when you got me? Me, the guy who's got so much charm, Paramount wants me to play opposite myself in a picture. Yes, Phil, I know the picture. Kiss the Scotch off my hands. Look, uh... Look who's comparing himself to Van Johnson. You know, Jack, I don't want a brag, but I've had plenty of people compare me to him. Don, the van they were comparing you with... Need I go further? The van has furniture sticking out of it. But I can't understand... Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss? There's a phone out in the hall. Call Van Johnson's house and see if he's left for the studio. Yes, sir. Have you got a nickel? Oh, yes, yes. Here, I'll get it out of my coin purse. Here you are, Rochester. Here's a nickel. Look at that buffalo gulp the fresh air. Never mind. Now, here's Van Johnson's number. Go out in the hall and call him. Yes, sir. Boss, the boss must be losing up, having a great star like Van Johnson and using a payphone the same week. I wonder... Uh-oh, I dropped the nickel. Now, where'd it go? God, I can't see it anywhere. Well, the boss will get mad, but here it goes. Oh, Mr. Benny. Here it is, Rochester. It rolled back to me. Now, go call Van Johnson. Yes, sir. Fish market. Joe's fish market? I'm sure I dialed the number Mr. Benny gave me. Hello. Hello, Joe's fish market. Is there a Van Johnson there? In just a second, I'll find out. Hey, Clara, have we got a Van Johnson here? Not unless he came in with that load this morning. I'm sorry, mister. We ain't got no Van Johnson. Could you use a halibut? Not unless he can read lines. What? Goodbye. Say, boss, the number you gave me isn't right. It isn't? Well, okay. But I can't understand what's keeping Van. As for Mary, she's never been late before. Am I driving too fast for you, Van? No, no, Mary. You're doing fine. Gee, Mary, it was nice of you to pick me up, but it's really a beautiful drive from Beverly Hills to the studio. I knew you'd enjoy the ride, so I took a little roundabout way. I'm glad you did. I've never seen San Diego before. Well, it won't be long now. We're back in Los Angeles. Say, Mary, I thought you were in a hurry to get to the studio. Why do you keep driving around this same block? Well, that building there is the May Company. I want the girls to see me. You better stop, Mary. The light just turned red. Okay. You know, when you came by my house... Pardon me, mister, but I can't get a cab. Would you give me a lift as far as... No. Oh, no, it isn't. What a stall. If she'd gotten in here, I'd have punched her right in the nose. Say, Van, how do you happen to be a guest on Jack's program? Well, he made such an attractive offer I couldn't turn it down. Jack, made you an attractive offer? Mm-hmm. What was it? He said if I gave a good performance, he'd show me how to make nickels roll back to me. But no kidding, Van. How much is he paying you to be his guest? Well, as a matter of fact, I forgot to discuss money when I had lunch with him yesterday. Lunch? Did you pick up the check? No, he did. You've been paid. Well, gee, I better drive faster. We'll be late for rehearsal. Gosh, I can't understand what's keeping Mary and Van. Oh, Jack, I've just been looking through this Radio Mirror magazine, and there's something in here very nice about you. About me? Yeah, it's well done. What does it say? It says, uh, Genial Don Wilson, who is loved by millions of people, was again selected as Radio's number one announcer. Don, why'd you say that was about me? If I hadn't, you wouldn't have listened to it. What do you mean I wouldn't have listened to it? If I'm that kind of a guy, would I be going all the way to San Francisco to appear on the Newspaper Men's Prolix on next Saturday, March 26th, in the Civic Auditorium at 8 o'clock? If they don't pay my railroad fare after that, let them get Morty Amsterdam. Say, Phil, while we're waiting, why don't you run through your band number, and then we can... Hello, Jack, we're here. Well, hello, Mary. Hi, Van. Hello, Jack. Yeah, I'm glad you finally got here. We just started a rehearsal. Now, Van, I'd like you to meet our little group of Thespians. This is Don Wilson. Pleased to meet you, Don. I am certainly glad to meet you, Van. Say, Jack, are those his chins, or is he chewing on a Venetian blind? Those are his chins. And Van, this is my orchestra leader, Phil Harris. Hello, Phil. Hi, you bub. What do you hear from the Hannah Rents Company? Phil, so you're Van Johnson, huh? Uh-huh. Tell me something, John. What makes all them dames so crazy about you? Oh, I don't know. I guess it's just sort of a psychological phenomena. I'm dead. Phil, Phil, please. And Van, Van, this is my vocalist, Dennis Day. Glad to know you, Dennis. Should I swoon, Mr. Benny? No, no. No, Dennis, that's for girl. Just say hello. Hello. And now, Van, I want to tell you about... Who's there, Mr. Johnson? Yes, Dennis. My mother thinks you're wonderful in pictures. Well, thank you. Every time you smile, she breaks out in big red blotches. Dennis. When she saw you in command decisions, she came home and burned her wedding dress. That's enough, Dennis. And now, Van, I want... My father got so mad he threw her teeth in the bendix. Dennis. I thought we could stop the machine. She ate up her nightgown. Boy, sit down. Now, Van, before we start rehearsing, would you mind stepping into my dressing room a minute? I want to discuss our financial arrangement. Okay, Jack. Phil, while Van and I are gone, run through your number. Come on, Van. Well, Van, here we are in my dressing room. Shall I sit down? No, no, no. This will only take a second. Now, Van, when you make a guest appearance, how much do you usually get? $5,000. Uh, sit down, Van. Van, I think $500 is a little too much. I said $5,000. That we're not going to discuss at all. But to show you I'm willing to compromise, what would you say to $350? I'm sorry, Jack, but my price is $5,000. $5,000? Who do you think you are, Sterling Holloway? Van, let me ask you something. Why in the world do you want $5,000? Well, Jack, I've got to think of the future. The future? Yeah, when I'm 60 years old, I don't want to have to tell people I'm 39 so I can keep a job. Look, let's not drag Al Jolson into this. Now, Van, for the last time, what is your rock bottom price? $5,000. Well, we'll just have to call it off, I guess. But I can understand your position, Van. After all, you are a big star and all the girls are crazy about you. You know, that's a mistaken idea, Jack. Everybody thinks that the girls are just nuts about me and it isn't true at all. It isn't? No. Confidentially, Jack, most of the glamour girls in Hollywood won't even spit at me. That's funny, they do it me. I mean, they seem to think I'm hot stuff. Well, anyway, Jack, it's just as I told you, my being a lady killer is a fallacy. Girls don't go for me at all. Well, on second thought, I can understand that, Van. You see, freckles are all right for a huckleberry fin, but you see, you've got too many. Too many freckles? Yes. Now, take my complexion, it's perfectly clear. And look at your eyes. I don't know, they have no expression. They haven't? No. Now, if you'll notice, my eyes sparkle. Yes, they do. And look at your hair. My hair? Yes. Now, take mine. Put that back. Not so far over to one side. But that, that isn't all, Van. Girls go for me because I'm the outdoor type. You, the outdoor type? I go hunting and fishing, and as a matter of fact, I just came back from a fishing trip on Lake Mead. I had a wonderful time. I don't know, there's nothing like the rugged life. Oh, did you camp out in the open? No, no, I stayed in Las Vegas at the Flamingo Hotel. At the Flamingo, eh? Say, that's really a classy place. You're not kidding. Yeah, I was only there a week, you know, and ten bucks went like that. I didn't gamble much, you know, but I, uh... but I enjoyed it. Well, I can't understand it, Jack. I spent three days at the Flamingo, and it cost me over a hundred dollars. Well, you don't play a violin. See, it's amazing, it's amazing what you can pick up around the pool when people are having drinks, you know? Van, getting back to your trouble with girls, maybe you've got the wrong approach. Maybe your technique isn't right. Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you. I've got a date tonight with a girlfriend. I'm going to take her to Syros. I'll call her up right now and tell her to bring a girlfriend for you. And then just watch the way I operate. Well, Jack, I don't know. Are the girls pretty? Van, leave it to me. I know how to pick them, and you'll have a great time. I'll tell the girls to meet us in front of Syros at eight o'clock. Say, go choose. What is it, Mabel? Are you sure he's bringing Van Johnson for me? Yeah, and you can have him. As far as I'm concerned, I just as soon go out with men like Jack Benny. Why? Well, when a man like Benny tries to kiss you and you tell him to stop and he stops, you don't feel so disappointed. Ain't it the truth? Imagine them keeping us waiting here in front of Syros. I wish they'd get here already. I can't wait to see Van Johnson. Johnson Schmanchin, I'm hungry. Oh, now great, but you shouldn't talk that way. I'm Mabel. Mabel, here they come now. Right out of that parking lot. Van, you shouldn't have paid for the parking. Well, I thought someone should. We've been sitting in the lot since four o'clock. Oh, yes. Jack, do you think these girls will keep the date for the night? Certainly. I told them to meet us right out in front of... Hey, there they are now. Where? Right there. See those two? Van, come back here! Van. Van, what's the matter with you? I wouldn't go into Syros with them. Why not? One of them is old enough to be my mother. Which one? The one that looks like my father. Oh, Van, look at Van. That's my girl. You've got the cute short one. Oh, you mean the short one with the red dress? She hasn't got a bad shape. That's the fire plug. The girls are over there sitting on the curb. Now, uh... Ah, hello, Gertrude. Maple. Hello, Blue-Eye. Everybody calls me that, Van. I'd like to have you girls meet Van Johnson. Hello, girls. Gee, you're cute. Gaitrude, he's mine. You've got diamond gem. All right, all right. Come on, we'll go inside. Now, Van, as soon as we get into... Jack, let's call this thing off. I don't want to go into Syros with those two dames. But Van, these girls are all right. In case anybody picks a fight with us, the tall one can whip her weight in wildfire. Come on, Van. Van, why are you taking my arm? I want to walk in with you. Well, here we are. Oh, girls, you want to check your coat? Nah, we'll shove them under the chairs. Good, good. Then we won't have to wait in line when we leave. Good evening. Good evening. Captain, we'd like a table for four. Have you a reservation? Reservation? What do you think we are, Indians? Gee, Van. Oh, Van, they're so funny. They're regular Abbott and Costello, you know? They look like them, too. Oh, I don't know. Say, Bud. Yeah? I'm talking to the captain. Captain, uh, we don't have a reservation, but give us any table for four, will you? Yes, sir. Follow me. Here you are. Oh, thank you, Captain. May we have menus, please? Yes, sir. Thank you. Now, let me see. Hey, goitou, get a load of these prices. Yeah. And these fancy dishes. What's fishy swazzy? Gertrude, that's a cold soup. Oh, good. Then I won't have to blow on it. Gertrude, please. Van, would you like a drink? The quicker, the better. What? But don't let me drink too much. I don't want to see four of them. Okay. Captain, bring us four martinis, and then we'll order the food. Yes, sir. Say, they have a nice orchestra here. Oh, Gertrude, would you like to dance? Uh, yeah. Why don't I put my shoes back on? All right. Hey, Van, how about you and me? No, thanks. I'm not a very good dancer. Ah, don't worry. I'll lead you. Come on. Don't be a schmo. Well, all right. Say, Gertrude, you're really a swell dancer. I love to dance with you. Gertrude, I'm talking to you. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just daydreaming. Ah, I'll give you a penny for your thoughts. No, thanks. It'll only roll back to you. No, no, that only works with nickels. You're terrific, Van, and you said you couldn't dance. Gee, this is a beautiful song. Hey, Van, how about singing it to me, huh? No, no, Mabel. I can't sing. Oh, you do too. I heard you in pictures. Come on, sing to me. Oh, all right. You sigh, the song begins. You speak, and I hear violins. It's magic. The stars desert the skies and rush to nestle in your eyes. It's magic. Without a golden wand or mystic charm. Fantastic things begin when I am in your... Enjoy that dance, Gertrude. Now, let's sit down. Our drinks are on the table. Shall we order food now? Yeah, I want to see what that fishy swazzy looks like. Van, what are you going to have? I don't know. I'll think of something. Say, Blue Eyes, have you got a cigarette? Yes, that old garnet I'm out of them. Have you got any, Van? No, but I'll call the cigarette girl over. Oh, Miss, Miss! Hey, Van, they know it's you. All four cigarette girls are coming over. Hello, girls. Hello. Say, girls, do you know who this fella is? They know. Oh, girls, I'd like to get some cigarettes for our lady friends and Sheridan and Lana Turner. Van, what made you say that? Two martinis. Yeah, they were strong, weren't they? What are you guys mumbling about? Nothing, nothing. Girls, give us some cigarettes, please. Yes, yes, cigarettes. Here's something we suggest to make you feel your level best. It's mad. Just light a lucky strike for that's the one that you will like. It's mad. And you are feeling more than you said. The cigarette is lucky. Explain we've said it's time and time again. It's lucky. Oh, yes, it's lucky. Why do we... Now, kids, let's order some food. Van, what are you going to have? Nothing, Jack. I don't feel like eating. Good, good. What are you going to have, Gertrude? I want some Vichy Swazia to salami sandwich. Okay, what about you, Mabel? Well, as long as I'm in Syros, I'd like to try something different. Let me see now. I think I'll have this Tabani. What? It's right here on the menu, see? Tabani. That's T-bone. Oh, Captain, are you ready to order now? Yes, I'll have a Caesar salad. We want some Vichy Swazia, a salami sandwich, and a T-bone steak. We have no T-bone. Yes, you have. It's right here on the menu. See? That's Tabani. Yes, that's a rabbit baked with an oyster in its mouth. Oh, oh, well, I guess you were right, Mabel. Would you like that? Sure. Anything as long as it's dead. Say, Van, Van, would you like another drink? Yeah, but I'd like something stronger this time. Well, how about a zombie? No thanks. The two we brought with us are enough. Well, then have another martini. Okay, waiter, you've got our orders. I don't take a lie. Gertrude, behave yourself. Say, Van. Yeah? You sure are a card. You told me you couldn't dance when you danced like Arthur Murray. Look, Mabel. You told me you couldn't sing when you sang like Frank Sinatra. Mabel, please. You and me got to see more of each other. You're just my type. All you have to do is say the word and believe me. I beg your pardon, Mr. Johnson, but there's a telephone call for you. Would you like to go out and answer it? Oh, would I? Get your phone call, Van. It might be important. Yes, excuse me, please. Say, he's a nice fella, isn't he, Gertrude? Yeah, having so much fun. How about ordering some champagne? Champagne? Well? Sure, come on, Speedy. We only live once. Gertrude, not so loud. It's embarrassing. Gertrude, please, be quiet. Pardon me, Mr. Benny. Yes, Captain? There's a phone call for you. Oh, oh, excuse me, girls. I'll be right back. Wait a minute, Van. There's a phone call for me. No, no, there isn't. I sent the captain in to get you. What? Now, here's a chance to beat it. Say, you're right, Van. You're right. Let's get out of here. Well, how do you know those dames won't follow us? Look, I've got their shoes. Come on, let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, the 1949 Easter Seal campaign is on. 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