 So most everybody who's a dating or relationship coach will tell you that Confidence is the number one thing needed or quality needed to Attract a relationship in your life and yet from what I've observed Confidence can oftentimes be the hardest thing to obtain whether you're a man or woman Because the reality is as most of us are wounded on some level not feeling good enough not feeling likable Not feeling likable or not feeling lovable not feel like will not feeling good enough to get that right And so today I brought a confidence therapist in my dear friend Kimmy Seltzer to talk about how to create sexy confidence with a guy So Kimmy welcome. Hi. It is so special to be here Jonathan You I'm excited to have you so really can you give your clip note version of what you do? Because I really want to get into the nitty-gritty of our talk today. I know I don't gosh I only have a minute Okay, so as you indicated I my name is Kimmy Seltzer. I'm a confidence therapist. I'm also a dating strategist And so yes, I work with a lot of singles and an image consultant And that is all a mouthful to say that I help people look and feel their best So they attract what they want and you know, I've known Jonathan for quite a while, right? We've known each other for a long time over a decade My I've helped people in so many different ways And really a lot of it because my professional experience has been vast The passion really comes from my own story and Jonathan, I know you know my story And your audience may not and I just did a TEDx talk actually So you can check out my TEDx talk and find out more about my story But I'll make this brief because it relates to what we're talking about Okay You know the funny thing about confidence is that you could be really confident in one area of your life or even a time in your life And that all could be shot if you go through something that can Make you not as confident and that certainly is what happened to me and you know my backstory is I used to be this confident woman married Having a traditional life in Chicago And then we all pick up and we move across the country and we plop here to la la land, Los Angeles We do it all the other people here do we get a divorce? I'm joking. Obviously there are other issues going on right and There I was like all alone in my new castle not knowing what to do with my new life and my confidence Like went from 10 to 1 You know just almost like in an instant and I had to know how I was going to pick up the pieces of the mirror to feel whole again and This is what we're going to talk about because my defining moment was this and up until then I used to Believe that you had to work from the inside out until that happened when I did everything I could to try to better myself on the inside. I'm a therapist for god's sake. I should know it And I still couldn't get out of my own way. So What I did was something really untraditional I went shopping Okay, y'all like this is what I do. I shopping there because I was this frumpy mom All alone with these like ginormous black clothes and what I realized is that wow I'm this frumpy mom Trying to go out and date like who's gonna love me like I felt unlovable. So if I felt unlovable and not How could someone else And so it wasn't until I went shopping and I think I'm up leveling myself But now I'm putting all the black clothes in my arms again But they were three sizes too big because I hadn't seen my body This personal shopper she came up to me. She's now my angel. I refer her as and she said ma'am I think you should try this on and she holds up this red dress that was kind of like the color of your shirt Although it was a lot brighter and I said that's really sweet of you But that's not my size and that's certainly not my color. She said honey That is your size that is your color try it on It was like she hit me over the head with that red dress and I kid you not It was like I woke up and so I put the red dress on and I twirled around like cinderella and Bam I look in the mirror. I caught my red dress moment And I realized wow this whole time. I just hadn't seen myself. I had to do something different I just see something different Yeah, or there were really shifts. So I went out in the world and I Y'all I I did everything in that red dress. I marinated and I went to the grocery store I went to the coffee shop. I went everywhere in that red dress and And I realized and here's where we're going to get into the confidence piece that there was a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it came to confidence that it wasn't superficial How we market ourselves Yeah is Like who we attract or not attract and I realized I was scared And so the black clothes was keeping me invisible from that And so that's where my business actually first started to Like flip and I now flip the script and instead of working from the inside out. I work from the outside in Because it was quickest gateway into somebody's confidence So it's it's it's true. I'm sorry. I'm interrupting. I um, marie and I were watching pretty woman last night Yeah, and and and as you're sharing the story it made me think about where you know She's obviously dressed in a hooker outfit in Beverly Hills and rodeo drive trying to get someone to help her get a dress And she has all this money And and finally, you know, she goes the manager of the store She he directs her to a woman who totally helps her out and she's wearing this beautiful cocktail dress She says I've got a cocktail dress on She goes shopping later and as you see her trying on the different clothes and you see the progression of Julia roberts along in the movie Primarily not just not just because of the clothes, but the clothes was kind of a reflection I think of her from the inside But it came from the outside first is that's kind of what i'm hearing from you, right? That's exactly what i'm saying and that this isn't just kind of airy fairy stuff Or i'll just put on these clothes and you'll look fabulous. There's research that backs this up That when you wear certain clothes, it shifts the way that you perform the signals that you send out into the world And that you know when we talk about first impressions to think about that that's the first Thing that happens when we are trying to attract the opposite sex right And so yeah, like I mean even there was a study done where they studied brains of people and When people wore different clothes, they they actually performed differently their body signals were different and there's a term called enclosed cognition That when you wear certain things your body your chemistry in your brain Actually shifts and you perform differently like look at halloween halloween's the perfect example See these shy girls, right and they're wearing like vixen outfits and all of a sudden they're They're different, you know and they perform differently and and there's something to that And so there's nothing like seeing a woman when I do a makeover on them coming out of the dressing room And they're standing a little taller like you're a pretty woman metaphorically, right So, um, you I don't know if you remember but when I ran into you at the airport, uh, yes What was it? We're I forget it was it was a Christmas or Thanksgiving or something. Yeah And I don't know if you remember I was wearing a sport coat I do remember So and why i'm sharing this with you is after my divorce I used to when I was married I was the suit and guy kind of guy. I was the suit and tie. I was I was big from sex in the city I mean that was the look I had and when I went through a divorce and at the same time I lost my quarter million dollar year job Um, I emotionally retreated in and I just didn't emotionally retreat I physically retreated and I even retreated in the way I dressed And I and I lived by the beach now and I was like jeans and flip flops And one of the things that happened in my relationship with Marie is she said, you know She made a comment. She goes. I think you would attract You know more clientele if you got dressed up, you know in your videos because I was the shirt You know the guy that wore loud t-shirts kind of thing and and to some degree I felt as though like I resisted at first But she was telling me how she'd even you know, like even when her ex-husband and her traveled he wore a sport coat So I wore a sport coat in fact that might have been the first time she and I traveled together And I put on a sport coat And I felt different at the airport. I felt a little more polished. I mean, I'm still am who I am on the inside but I just felt like You know, maybe a little bit of ego was involved too But I just felt a little better than just wearing jeans and flip flops kind of thing. Am I making sense here? You are and you're like just highlighting exactly what I am saying and helping people with because When you also wear certain clothes it shifts your body language and how you feel about yourself And then you move through the world differently and and that's why I love the outside in approach because There's not too many things in life. That's an instant hit an instant graduation, right? Like all the inside job and believe me I believe in the inside job. I'm a therapist. So I I am I think that that's just as important but It it is such a powerful thing when you shift the clothes that you wear To make you feel more confident and then people noticing you and now what's interesting in my story back story As I went out into the red dress wearing the red dress Something happened that shocked me I actually Didn't like being seen by the men And I noticed Yeah, no, no, this is it actually because here I was like trying to focus on dating and getting the man But really I wasn't comfortable being seen and that the Clothes was almost like a black cloak to keep me invisible and insulated because I was scared Okay And so I really had to get used to being seen and I I see this a lot with and I work with both men and women By the way, so like I've seen it in both genders But like I know there's a lot of women watching I see this all the time where like you can be doing all the inner work and you're shifting and changing But if you're not marketing yourself and flirting and putting on something that makes you Have that like cab light signal to the men that love might pass you by So, okay. I want to share something with you and I want your take on this because I I did a video A couple months back it said the four stages of a relationship and and I want your take on this because you're a therapist and everything I said stage one is personal development self-help and spiritual work being your best self You know healing from childhood wounds healing from traumas healing from a past relationship That's stage one. And by the way, it's it's really it's a corner to a leg to a table It's not really first or second. It's just a corner to a leg to a table Number two is getting really crystal clear on who you are and what you want and learning how to vet I call it vetting screening filtering out. That's what I teach in my private coaching. That's the area I work on the third leg and again, it's not in any order is how to attract Men and women and more importantly how to flirt because the reality is is these days learning some basic flirting skills is rather necessary because of you know, this paradox of choice we live in this whole I'm going to say delusion that we have all these choices because of our smartphones that isn't there and then lastly the other corner or leg to the table is learning how to Maintain a relationship and more importantly make it thrive So when I think of my that those four legs I think of my piece is teaching how to vet and screen and your piece is that confidence flirting You know skills that is necessary. It is part of the process whether we like it or not. It's needed It's so true. I know I I was talking to somebody I have these, you know, free calls and it's so You're exactly right. I often ask people what it is they want and I'd say 90 of the people Think maybe they know what they want, but then when you really like get into it, they don't You are somebody who is dating over the age of 40 Like what we wanted back in our 20s. I'm saying we um, I'm of age too, right? Um What we wanted in our 20s may be what we're thinking that we're wanting but now in the second act it's all different and Actually, it's a lot freeing when you know that you could just date without getting attached perhaps and learning the skills as you said That will get you results in the second act and so you're exactly right like I I love I do these flirt workshops all the time and It's amazing, you know when people really focus more on leveraging skills and practicing things that either were dormant Right because maybe haven't flirted since you were 20 or maybe never learned how to flirt at all It's it's it's more fun. It's more present focused and that ends up getting to where you want to go Focus on that. Okay. I want to lean into something dating without getting attached Like I think that's probably one of the hardest skills to learn and that is a skill I mean it is something that requires some learning because You know not only is there a physical attachment that occurs Especially when there's physical intimacy, you know through oxytocin and pheromones and dopamine and all that kind of stuff But then that love attachment that it happens, you know because of wounds and and you know childhood wounds and traumas and such I think one of the hardest things to really develop is Not it's not about being detached But it's I think it's allowing not allowing yourself to get overly attached or maybe ahead of yourself before Can you talk about that for a little bit? I love that you asked this Yes, because it's a topic and um any of you On here high achievers like come clean if you are I'll throw myself. I know I'm a high achiever and one thing about high achiever is being high achiever what serves you in business is hard when it comes to dating because You have to be outcome oriented when you're a high achiever, right? You maybe you get in your head or you're analyzing a lot and you're trying to think of all the right things and that kind of thing and so It takes you out of being present And so I think when we talk about dating without getting attached is how how can you Learn how to date yourself even yeah learning what's right or For you and what's not working for you So that you can get to the outcome that you want and and that can be so hard when you're not used to that You know, it's so fascinating when you look at the definition of flirting. I love it. I have to okay I don't know what it is. No, if you look at the dictionary, it's to behave as though you are attracted to someone Okay, out the serious intention of an outcome. So it's exactly what we're talking about. Is that really it? I had no idea I do for workshops like it's the first thing that we talk about is like well What does flirting mean to you? We have all these meanings attached to it and whatever you associate that with and as a therapist I know a lot of times we have some childhood stuff that's attached to it or fears that come up or We're Older and so oh my god me flirted, you know 50 like I can't do that There's all these things that come up, but the truth of the matter is flirting is an energy And it's a faithfulness. That's very present And so when you date and you flirt without getting attached to the outcome, you're very present and with that You actually can know what you want because you're really focused on what it is. You're you know, so to do that day Okay, so I got something for you. I think it was one of the first So so men These days seem to flirt through sexual innuendos and like, you know, I mean that seems to be More common than not and and I'm guilty of this and I'm guilty of Throwing out a sexual innuendo to kind of gauge this person's, you know Ability to be flirtatious with me or not I don't know if you would dress that at all But I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on men who do that as a way of flirting But it's also a way to gauge your sexual, you know baseline if you will Oh my god, like this This question this thing could be a whole like Other talk, right? Okay. Okay. Oh, there's so many layers. I love this question because And really how to react to it is really what I'm getting at is how should a woman react? You know to that kind of to kind of like the sexual innuendo Yeah, and that sort of thing, you know for because for a man that's flirting to a woman that might be perceived as something different You know, I don't think there's a black and white answer and I'm gonna answer it like this because we each are different We each have different journeys with what flirting is how we take in for how we Take in information how we send signals out Because there's always an interplay between men and women with this stuff too Because I I don't like to just throw men under the boss and say oh, well, he's just being too sexual But what also like what was the woman's part as well? And that's why I love getting men and women in a room together and like Having these juicy discussions. Sure. Sure. It isn't an easy answer But here's what I will say about that Okay, I think at the end of the day all women want to feel safe I think that's safe to say. Yeah, and if there hasn't been enough rapport connections and feelings of safety When a man then does a sexual innuendo, that's when it starts feeling unsafe Um, I will also I'm smiling because I did throw a sexual innuendo to Marie on our first date I'm a couple hours in but I felt like we were having good rapport with one another and she took it as playful as it was Met. I've certainly done it other times and it's been hit with a lot I mean, you know, I was met with a lot of resistance and I take ownership of that But I think you bring up a key key point talking about feeling safe Um, that's one of the greatest challenges we face in relationship today Is a level of what I talk about more frequently in my videos is trust and trust isn't like just about fidelity It's does this person have my best interest at hand? Does this person? you know Care about my feelings as much as my own and I think that's one of the challenges we face in the dating marketplace is In many cases not enough trust or safety is being built And we're and let me just say this one last thing, which is why I encourage my clientele to be more you know Communicative about their needs wants and desires to build that level of connection with someone So you're not giving your heart to some person that's just love bombing you if you will Yeah, it is so important and You know when there Is that level of trust between two people you can be playful you can be flirty and and by the way You know a lot I get on the other side of the coin I get a lot of women who wonder Well, you know, can I throw out sexual and no one knows When is it okay for me to send out those signals and am I going to be seen as you know inappropriate or whatever it is and You know, that's why I'm saying that it's such a dance between two people And it also depends on people's history. You mentioned trust. Well as a therapist, you know It's an under it's understanding also people's back stories. So if you're listening to this and saying, oh my god That's really uncomfortable if a man After just, you know, eight hours of a date to do a sexual and no endo with me That that's might be part of her journey and her backstory and maybe she you know got hurt in previous relationships So her guard's going to go up and she's going to take it a little slower, right? So I think it's different for everybody But the bottom line is I think everyone needs to build that rapport and feel comfortable in their own skin And know what they want And that's all part of the equation So kimmy you work with men And I have a question. I want to actually lean into this because um, there's this Almost expectation that men are the leaders of the relationship and they're supposed to be confident And if he doesn't have the confidence to walk up to me and say hi, he's you know He's not good enough for me kind of thing You work with men So you hear their inner thoughts. Would you be open to sharing that for our, you know, audience here because I think it's important to talk about this and with respect to confidence It's a great question. You know, I do these um co-ed dating retreats. I think that's what I met you at the airport I was about to do my dating retreat And you know, I it's co-ed and so it's so fun When we kind of debunk each other's myths because we often were all so different, you know, men and women But at the end of the day, we're all we're all the same and And here's the the common denominator between men and women. Yeah fear We all have fear Yeah, and and we all have fear in the approach and so here's what I'm hearing from men and here's what I hear from women Okay, so the men, you know, they'll walk into a bar or a date or in the field and They'll say that Women have the rbf's on right do we all know what? Oh, yeah Well, I know what it is Am I allowed to say that here you can sell by the way this channel we curse up the yin yin not I didn't know that I didn't know like, okay Okay, so I'm resting bitch face of the person who don't know what that is It's real because I also go out in the field and I help women flirt and so I see it But I'm sorry. There's also resting grimace on men So I don't like to always, you know blame women But the the fact of the matter is and this goes back to the outside It's not just the clothes you wear, but it's the attitude that you have It's the body language and the signals that you're sending out And so Everyone's looking very serious or they're looking down or they have a frown on their face. So men complain. It's like well They're not approachable Like they look you know, or they're cackling in the corner And they're complaining about men like they're you know, they're not open They're not smiling that kind of thing and then the women come to me and they're like, well, the men aren't alpha enough You know, I want a guy who's strong and who can just come up to me and and Say hi and not be intimidated by me But if the women are intimidating And the men are intimidated. Guess what's happening? No one's meeting anybody So here's how I see it both genders have a responsibility and approachability and it's like some We all have our own things that we could do to really open Things up and give signals out to the world like women you've got to understand Like men want to please us and they're looking for signals that were open to talking and open for business So to speak and it's almost like you have to hit them over the head with a bat to say now What we think is like over the top Is is actually right for the guys and so You know, we may think we're flirting or sending signals out and the guy thinks it's a fluke You know, they don't want to be rejected. So they're looking for like signals from us and and so it's really fun Practicing that with each other and just like ladies for those of you listening Like do you even notice who's noticing you like when you're going to the market? By the way men are everywhere They're everywhere They're not just on the apps. They're not just like, okay. That's the thing people are going well now It's time to date. I am dating now and they're swiping on their phone But everywhere and anywhere chances to meet men And so if there's no good men where I live kimmy, there's no good men where I live like Can I tell a funny story around that? Yes, please. Yeah So, oh cc sees a lot of rbf's during work. Yeah, like they're all over the place. I love it. So, um There was a woman that you know, she she called me up We had our first call together and she said exactly what you just said, Jonathan There there's no good men out there. I scoured the earth. I know every man in this town I've dated all of them online. I see them over and over again I give up and I she's like you're my last hope Okay, so she she decides to hire me and I said to her um, I want you to um Do something for me um Sorry, I'm getting this weird thing. Um, I want you to do something for me your first homework assignment is to Go out into the world and I want you to take the same walk that you do every single day at work Because she she walked at work And I want you to just notice who's noticing you. I want you to open up. I want you to smile I want you to see everybody around you She's like, okay, but like I I do this every single day and there's no one I I said, well, I believe you That you believe that there's no one But just try this and then report back to me something. Okay, and so a week later She comes back. She says kimmy. Do you have a voodoo doll? I said, I don't want a voodoo doll. What happened? And she said I did what you said like I I was smiling I was looking around and I noticed this gentleman sitting on the bench and you know what he looked at me And you know what he calls me over and you know what all of a sudden I'm in a conversation And before I knew it kimmy he asked me out and kimmy I already had a date with him and I really like him That guy ended up being her boyfriend her long boyfriend I want to post this Raining man, you know, I say by the way, I always say in my videos. It's raining great man. It's raining men You know, I I want to lean into this because I I think many people You know, I always say most men are good guys. They're just bad daters You know and sure there's the users out there. There's the players. There's the narcissists and so forth and so on But most men are good guys They're just actually bad at dating and I'll even be candid with you and everyone that's watching, you know with marie I saw her dating profile and I thought oh, she's Beverly Hills glam She's not going to be want me and the funny thing was she read my profile author speaker coach I'm not going to want her You know and it's interesting how we can in our own minds Reject, you know the belief that there's good people out there that will actually appreciate us When we don't make even the effort for it and thankfully with her and I we made effort towards one another Can you lean into that for a second? Yeah, that's a great point is that Everybody is so worried about what other people think rather than going after what they want. Yeah And That's half the battle and why I love like just even focusing on your body language your flirt skills You know in worry about you. I'll never forget. There was another incident where This woman I was out flirting with her and we first went shopping so I do this like shopping wing girl stuff a lot in person and We we go to the store and we get her some fabulous stuff and I always get people a red dress moment. So by the way ladies Those of you listening Men love red just so you know while you do that. I want to find something so keep talking. Yes. Yes, okay Well, Jonathan is it while he's not listening They they love red. There's scientific proof that when a man sees Anything red on a profile or walk in a room like he will click on. Oh my god. Yes We wore red dress to the wedding we both went to and she was a knockout Red dress in fact, I highly recommend that's my favorite. Well black and red. I like on her Right. Well, that's my story about the red dress in the beginning. That's why I wanted to tell it because um Everyone needs a red dress moment and it's a metaphor to really like being seen and Anyway, I was shopping with this one and we get we got the The red dress with her and we get her all dolled up and we Go out into the world and she's like Oh my gosh, what is everyone thinking men are looking at me. I don't know if I can do this I don't know if I want to track this kind of guy. I don't meet guys in bars Like she was going way ahead of herself. I said Can you just stay here and and play with me for a little bit? and so She walks into the room with her red dress And guys were looking at her and so she had to like just embrace it in that moment And she she started like really having fun and we met these amazing men and and we were talking and Instead of getting ahead of it and worrying about like what guys intentions were or anything like that um She meets this fantastic guy that guy again ends up being her boyfriend long term And it was because she let go of the outcome She let go of what intentions other people had and she went after what she wanted And I think that is the big distinction And just highlighting kind of like what you said you and maria could have just sat there in fear and oh well How could she want me or how could he want her or all these stuff? We all have that in our heads But instead you just met You know, it's interesting because one of the things I appreciate about marie is that You know, she has this confidence, but I said this early on I could get the sense. She wasn't attached to the outcome And occasionally I recommend the book and while I'm not I don't love everything about the book why men love bitches Oh, I love that. Well, I don't love everything about it, but 90 of it I do because I always say bitch stands for babe in total control of herself Yes, and what I mean by that is that there's a sense of like look I'm not going to get my power away to another person and I think Sadly, both men and women in the dating process oftentimes give their power away to the other person meaning they make their happiness dependent upon the other person and so I you know confidence is Is is non attachment to the outcome confidence is self love. I talk about this and that's why I wrote a book about There I wrote a book about self love because When we love our and I know I'm preaching to the choir by saying this to you But I'm saying this for everyone when we genuinely love ourselves and we're not attached to the outcome The process of dating or really the process of connecting with another person Becomes a lot easier. It actually becomes a little bit more enjoyable Whereas if you get attached to the outcome you get and you feel like you get hurt because it doesn't work out And if this happens enough times it wears on your self-esteem so Anyway, just wanted to say Can I piggyback off that I love everything that you said and I have such a simple word that I use and because I call myself a confidence therapist It's funny because a lot of times people will come to me You know, can you help me find a man help me find a woman? But really in the end they find themselves And and you know this and it's part of what we're talking about But I I simplify things and it's just like in my story I don't believe there's one person listening to this. That's not confident But that there's an area in your life where you haven't had experience in or positive exposure of And what I mean by that is that like me I considered myself a really confident woman before the divorce and and Then I'm supposed to go out there and date as an older woman Well, I wasn't feeling very confident because guess what I never did it I was a relationship gal. I never dated And so how was I supposed to feel confident? And so how do you get confident? Be a practice and you do it over and over again And that's why like I'm very action oriented when it comes to this stuff And I like just teaching people skills so they gain the confidence through practice And guess what by doing that you break old habits because your habit might be To be in your comfy cocoon to be an analysis paralysis Like you can just sit here and listen to stuff all day long. But at what point do you take action? Yeah, you and I have a mutual friend Tripp Kramer and Tripp has I mean, he's a confident coach for men And when he tells his story he was the quintessential nerd, you know I mean he looked like I think skippy from that show with Michael J Fox or whatever. I mean, you know the true nerd and or the other show Saved by the bell He looked like the nerd and he said for two years straight He all he did was walk up to women and just say hi And and then after hi he was like if they stalked back to him He didn't know what to say so we practice the next thing and the next thing and within two years I mean mind you that's it seems like a long period of time But he's doing this on occasion, you know once a week He built up the inner confidence so he could just communicate effortlessly I I believe like anything in life. It takes practice to actually get good at something And that includes whether it's flirting whether it's walking up to dropping the hanky as it used to be called today, I I believe that's a necessity if we want to Be able to achieve a relationship at some point Yeah, it is about practice and it's also about letting go You know, I think as we get older. We have filters Over time, right because we've all been hurt. We've all experienced things. I love kids kids They're the best like role models You know, you watch a four or five year old on the playground. It's not like they see somebody Like little johnny playing in the sandbox and say oh, I shouldn't go up to him. He looks really busy Maybe I'll wait until he said no. He just goes up. Hey, can I play? Yeah, so like what happened what happens to us? Why why can't we just walk into him bar say hi happy friday? Want to drink like whatever it is and and that playfulness that curiosity is so beautiful And that's part of letting go letting go of like worrying so much Again, what other people are viewing of us, but just having that desire to be I have something so just to exemplify this by the way, we're going to take questions in a moment. Uh, we are but can I Yeah, what is that? Okay, so these are cat ears ladies And I love cat ears and I I always like have people wear them in my retreats and workshop because it's very playful and it started from a time that I coached this woman and She was so worried about talking to strangers or approaching men and she was really scared and We I we ended up crashing this party and it was around halloween and they all had ears on And I said well, let's just go up and say hi like maybe you know, they have some extra ears for us Or I don't know and she goes but we can't it's not our party I said well, we won't know until we ask whether or not we can join and quite honestly We're kind of cute. Why wouldn't they want us at the party? So I crashed we crashed the party and they loved it like they they did in fact give us ears And we wore the ears the entire night and what it did for my client Was something astounding it gave her costume confidence Hmm And I I use that word a lot like what's your dating costume? What's your confident? You know your costume confidence Because it was a prop that she had that a lot of guys kept commenting on and she got to be more playful when she wore the ears And so it was this kind of aha moment for her Realizing everything was just all in her head We always think that things are a bigger deal in our head Than the reality and then how other people view us And actually there's psychological biases that back that up. I'm not just making it up and so What what that means is the more that we can just get out of our own way and get into the world So much opportunity happens and I have so many stories about this when people meet people while I'm coaching them And people think I like planted them. I'm like, I don't I don't know that many people I wish I did but it just shows you how that energy can just draw people to you You know when I going back to When I was back in my suit and tie days I know I you know, there was a period of time where I did go out Dressed in that mr. Big from Sex in the City look And and I share this because in a way I got some attention because people thought I look like chris notes So, you know, especially when the show was out, but I I appreciated the compliment You know men appreciate, you know men don't always accept compliments But then again, women aren't always good at accepting compliments either But there's just something about when you when you're You know, I don't want to say you're looking your best, but you you'd make a little extra effort And in you're acknowledged for it. It's a really nice feeling You know So hey, we've got some questions that come in. Do you mind if we check them out? So I'm going to go back here So bear with me We had a couple questions early on from There we go. Rita wrote this question. She said How to present how to be my desired relationship looks wait How to present how my desired relationship looks like in a text on dating apps without sounding overly serious or awkward Could you give an example? Desired relationship looks like in a text on dating apps without time. Hmm. Well, it's almost an oxymoron to me because Talking about a relationship is serious And so I guess I'll start out by that and I don't know like it would be interesting to see the progression of a DM exchange I do this with my clients like I go into bumble counts and I I see what your conversations are y'all and I'm gonna tell you right now a lot of them look like linkedin exchanges like Like there's no flirting going on. There's there's these like big lofty philosophical questions like what are you looking for in a relationship and How was your weekend and like How's your day going? Yeah, how's your day going and and so I guess I'm gonna answer this in a way of lightness and that if you're you know Everyone has good intentions going in and if your relationship minded You'll want to know if someone else is looking for a relationship, but here's the thing ladies like there's no guarantee If a man says I'm looking for a relationship that doesn't guarantee you a relationship And so in those beginning stages it I always recommend Just see if you like each other You know like let's try to connect Because a lot of magic can happen and there's phases like you said Invading there's also phases in a relationship And so it depends on where in the phase you're engaging with these conversations and you know and and pacing as well Well, I want to jump into this for a second because the word relationship to a man might be different to a woman And so I think the real problem is saying the word relationship I think it's better to And this is what I teach in my coaching is establish what your standard is in other words describe What a relationship looks like for you And see how the other person responds because sadly a lot of men These days are only capable of a casual relationship. They're only capable of a situation ship They're only capable of friends with benefits, but they say I want a relationship. Well, yeah If if your if your idea of relationship is this and his idea is this you know that space in between is called A lot of drama because there's not real You know clarity, so I think it's important to establish and if let's say it's just on your dating app Then like my dating my profile on match.com said clearly I am either looking to move in together or getting married with someone. That was my first lie I'm establishing my standard right from the get go and I'm like if that doesn't fit what you want swipe the You know pass me by I think it's important to establish what your desires are now the challenge with midlife folks A lot of men don't want to get remarried So I think clarity on what a serious relationship looks like for you You don't have to write it down, but at least know what it is within yourself and that's my invitation to you rita um, we got another question from Question Is it normal to hope a man has imagination to come up with an opening line without using my body part? Wanda has this been happening a lot? Oh my goodness Um Gosh, I hope a man hasn't mentioned come up with an opening line without using a body part. Well, I will just say I mean Not all men do that. Okay, so if you are Encountering that you got to look at Where you're hanging out who you're attracting and again, I always I always tell people to We can't change those men like they're going to be who they are But you can do something different to get a different result And so whether that be the way that you're marketing yourself the way The the rooms that you're hanging out with the apps that you're on like it's looking at things that you can shift and change You know, this is where And why I like talking about just being a strategist and having habits because you might be doing the same thing Maybe you're on the same app Maybe you're trying the same DM exchange over and over again And you're getting the same result. Well, you know, that's the definition of insanity. So Break up that pattern like do something different to see if you have other guys And more gentlemen come in because I've got something for you So I have an I have an acronym that I teach. It's called nice N I C E and that stands for and stands for name because most dating apps has a name associated with it So name So you say something you start with, you know, hey, jonathan. Hey kimmy something along those lines and the I stands for inquisitive Ask a question. Yeah, be curious. I think being curious Is a lot deeper than just being surfaced the C stands for compliment You know men and women like compliments and it doesn't have to be about a body part or what you're wearing My favorite compliment is and I and I'm going to say this to you kimmy. You have great energy You know, you have great energy and that's one of my that's the thing I look for in a person Do they have energy and the E stands for? Enthusiasm or an emoji or something to show energy So nice name inquisitive compliment enthusiasm I think that's a great way to start a conversation Especially in the dating world and then see where because of that question Hopefully you go down some rabbit holes with even better questions along the way By the way, jade says J. A does look like mr. Big You totally do And and cc says yes suit and tie is a great look So we have a question from elder uh-huh Because of emotional baggage. I keep sabotaging every dating situation in relationship I just started seeing a guy who is nice, but I feel the need to sabotage it. How can I change this kimmy? You're the therapist. What's the answer? Oh elder? I'd love to help you get in touch with me I'll help you um no this and honestly this is really common and You know when you have had stuff happen in the past the fear factor is so strong you know, I I've done whole workshops on just the the five top dating fears and You know really deep diving into each of those fears and how they surface when it comes to dating and You know without knowing you elder and your history um, what I will say is that There are definite things that you can do that the good news about it is that you're aware of it Like that's huge Because I'll I'll work with a lot of people and they're blaming the man or the blame the fact that you know That that's what's happening is really that awareness pieces half the battle It's really understanding What to do about it to override it. I'll share a quick story of somebody I worked with actually who had that exact same thing She every every time she would meet a guy Um She would first in the history before I started working with her She would attract these kind of emotionally unavailable guys and they they they had different costumes on right like what some were Narcissus some were fixer uppers some were noncommittals, you know, like all these like different things But the truth was that she wasn't available And you know, we always attract who we are And it the light bulb kind of went off and and she we realized in her history that she had some abuse That happened when she was young and she was just replicating the pattern And so she was attracting things that were familiar to her, you know, people either would be Not available to her or abusive And so I just we started working on just dating without getting attached that whole System that we were talking about before And really knowing what she wanted and feeling good about herself without getting Attached to the outcome so that she could just learn to be okay In the moment with men but also know what to look for And what healthy men were because she never she never saw it. So guess what happened She comes across after dating all these people a healthy guy and guess what they hit it off And guess what they start dating and in the middle of it just like elder. I think that's your name. Um, She says kimmy I can't do this. I I'm like i'm freaking out. I'm gonna run and she she found herself Wanting to self sabotage it because she was too scared. She she's like i'm too scared that Something's gonna happen And so it was good that we were like working through it and we worked through it and after working through it It was such a beautiful thing for her that She stuck with it and she was learning how to be vulnerable with him and talk about her feelings and they worked through it together They're still together today two years later and he's a great guy. He's not unavailable. He's very available But they had to work through it together. So it's a process and i'm just sharing that story that It's never too late to work on this stuff I want to add something. I know when my clients meet a secure man that if they're You know default of maybe anxious behavior or a void of behavior and I say default versus it's the prevalent You know behavior experience. It's more. That's where their default is when you're with a secure person You know It really helps You know, you might sabotage but when you're with the right guy and I this is something I wrote in my book If you're speaking sincere and from the heart You're not going to scare off the right guy, you know, if it's sincere, you can't really say the wrong thing to the right person so It's okay to be that way And you know at the same time like you said you're aware of it and just know when you're with the right person If you do mess up, it's not going to sabotage the relationship unless you're unless you're really trying to sabotage the relationship But that's what you talk about. So we got a couple more questions. I want to take before we wrap up today We got sweet art says question What's your advice if I bring up a topic or an issue talking about my feelings? And he is so quick to shut down and say not to bring it up again Is it a run moment or can it be overcome? Oh, I like that one sweet art Okay, well First of all again, it's hard to give advice without knowing more And so I guess my question to you is is this happening a lot? Is this a pattern? What is it that you're saying? That causes him to shut it down Is it is it like the same kind of thing that you're trying to share that he shuts it down? And then the third thing I would ask is What's keeping you in it? like If this is somebody who keeps dimming your light and shutting down your voice What's the benefit from staying in it? And I always tell people like, you know, like in the financial world we do cost benefit analysis I like to do a cost benefit analysis on situations ships and relationships because There's always something that keeps people in things that benefits you and then there's costs And when the costs outweigh the benefits and it's not necessarily how many are on the list, but how heavy things are Then that's when you have to assess what is right for you and and what's serving you Yeah um There's a lot I want to say to that but I want to take this one last question because we're going to be wrapping up So a great answer there. So here's a great question to wrap up with our tonight. So Question melony says after finding a good guy, how do we keep it fresh and flirty? Well, that's your area of expertise So um Well, first of all, you should never stop dating your partner ladies No matter what phase you are in your relationship and whether you're in the courting phase You're trying to capture a guy whether you're trying to keep the guy or whether you're in it And you've been at it for a long time. Um, and so One of the things that I tell people who are in relationships who are trying to like keep it fresh and flirty is always going back to basics of where you started And so like one thing is just getting back to what attracted you to begin with Like did you used to go out to dinner and dress up? and have sexy time Or like are you just sitting in front of the tv and eating chinese food in your sweats all day? Even just the mere point of dressing up and having an occasion To dress up will make you both feel amazing another thing that I always recommend Is the element of surprise I love surprises because that that's sexy right the spontaneity and the playfulness of a surprise is is Really super sexy and fun because the problem with couples is they get caught in the daily routine the humdrum Of doing the same thing over and over again So anytime you can switch things up be spontaneous have fun And also the third thing i'd recommend Is don't forget the power of body language ladies You know, it might not even be something you actually have to do together or purchase or buy It could be a simple look It could be a little twinkle in your eye. It could be a rub on his thigh My Favorite thing my favorite thing marie does Is like sometimes when we watch tv in bed she always she the way our tv is She's behind me and she always like comes up like right like the way a cat would it like kind of comes up She didn't her but she just like wants to snuggle with me in this cute little way And it's kind of say we you know like will you hug me kind of thing? But I I like it because she's making this effort the other thing I wanted to add to this is I what I appreciate most Is that she uses the word gratitude with me? We use the word gratitude with each other all the time I'm not a big proponent of saying. Thank you. I prefer using the word gratitude appreciation or grateful and When and that's a practice I mean we use that regularly because I think when you can be in a state of gratitude for someone It keeps it it's in its own way It keeps the fire burning because when you're in a state of appreciation The light never goes out So i'm a big proponent of using grateful gratitude and appreciation Frequently when you're in relationship and when you're doing that wear a dress put a twinkle in red dress Wear a red dress. Yeah red red red Well kimmy I so appreciate you. I know you have a gift. I'm gonna post it right here But can you talk about it for everyone? It's a gift right here Yes. Oh my gosh. Well, you know all this talk about the outside in and the style I wanted to provide a gift I have a sexy body shape guide for you ladies Um where I'm very scientific in the way I approach clothes And this is like such a great thing that all of you can even do at home and do a closet audit where If you download this guide It will teach you how you measure yourself And by the way it has nothing to do with your weight it has to do with bone structure Where you measure your your shoulders your waist and your hips and that will determine what your body type is And once you know what your body type is my guide goes into What clothes flatter your body type and what clothes to stay away from And so It's a great way to just kind of do a little closet audit and see what clothes are fitting you what to get rid of Hopefully it'll energize you to purge and then splurge and something new that'll energize you and um, you know If you want to take it further and you want more help actually have a cool workshop coming up april 11th that will post here um and I am actually going to be talking about Mastering your great first impression with your style with your body language and Kind of giving those signals out to men so that you land dates and the workshop is coed y'all so there'll be men in there That you can get direct feedback on that's april 11th and it's stop hating dating series And we'll post a link in there as well. Yeah for everyone really quickly as soon as this broadcast ends I'll have a link in the show notes. I'll have a link as the first uh comment to Kimmy's style guide and then later I will do some posts about the april 11th workshop sweetheart listen some of these comments Uh, they cc says thank this was so good. Thank you both Melanie says, uh, yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you and jade says. Thank you for the gift kimmy You're welcome. You know swedart. I I know this has been a long time coming for us to get together like this It was so great. I so appreciate. I'm very grateful that you came on I'm very grateful for the The content you shared because I think this is really important to understand our inner confidence Can start both from the inside out the outside in and i'm really happy that you leaned into this today So can I wrap up this video by giving you a big gigantic jaw at the bear hug? Oh I'm giving you a bear hug back And as a woman big kisses. Oh, thank you so much every I want to thank Melanie and alana and one in our facebook group and rosa and patricia and jade and cc and jameson and michelle And uh elder and me me and everyone that joined us. Wanda. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful evening. Say goodbye now Hi Let me click this