 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the three reasons why men give, what reasons they give for breaking up and why they do it, okay? We're gonna get into the why as well as what they say. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And also if this content resonates with you, please hit that like button at any time. This allows my video to be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Okay, really quickly, before we get started, for those who are watching the replay, I'm going to do the content first, then I'm gonna go to Q&A. And so for those watching live, we'll do the Q&A shortly. So let's just jump into those three reasons why men giving, breaking up. You know, it's interesting before I started this live stream, I had posted this and a number of you got into the chat box and started responding to the top reasons. And what was fascinating to me that the first person who responded in the chat literally nailed it. I mean, she nailed the three reasons I was going to give. Now, and I'm gonna lean into that in a second, but it's not surprising because these are the common things we hear. But what we don't hear is the real what's going on underneath it. And that's what I wanna talk about today. That's what I wanna lean into today. So let's just jump into those three reasons. And by the way, there's more than three, we're just covering three today. Those three reasons men give for breaking up. And I mean, the classic one reminds me of the Seinfeld episode. You know, it's not you, it's me. I'm sure you've all heard it. It's not you, it's me. And oftentimes that is, well, I'm gonna get into the why in a second, okay? I'll get into the why in a second. But that's a very common thing. If you've heard it, I'm sure you've heard it. I've actually heard it. I've had women say the same thing to me. So this isn't singular to men saying this is off, this is just human behavior. But the reality is when we're not feeling the relationship, oftentimes we grasp for what to say and we oftentimes don't reveal our greater truth. I'm gonna repeat that. We grasp for what to say, grasp. And we don't reveal our deeper truth. That's why I wanna share the deeper truth in just a moment. Okay, number two. Well, there's basically the same version of the same thing. Oh, here it is. And I'm sure you've heard this before. You're too good for me. You're too good for me. I think I've said it before. I'm sure I've had that said to me quite frankly. And so it's not an uncommon phrase. And the third one, we'll just jump right into it. You deserve better than me. You deserve better than me. Now there's a real deflection going on with that one. And that's what I'm going to jump in today because we all know the phrases. So the fact that one of my followers had nailed it right from the beginning way to go. I think it was Stephanie. I can't remember now, but way to go. But it's certainly a reflection of what's being said because what's the real challenge is men and women alike. First off, why do we say things like that? Well, it's because we don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. That's one of the primary reasons why. We don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. The other primary reason why is our own feelings might be, we might have conflicting feelings going on. And so I jotted down three top three real, the deeper why this happens. And so I'm just going to read from my notes. So really quickly, I want to say that here's the challenge. And I did a video on this, why do men pursue and then say they're not ready for a relationship? Why would a man pursue if he's not ready for a relationship? Well, the reality is the drive to mate, the drive to connect with another human being for men and women is incredibly strong. And when chemistry is involved, two people take off like a rocket. I mean, when there is intense chemistry, when two people meet, it's like game over. I mean, it's like boom, boom, boom. Man comes on strong and a woman surrenders because they're both feeling it and they just kind of go through this process, right? But what happens is once the, so you take it off like a rocket and then there's no more gas in the rocket and it hasn't broken the atmosphere. In other words, it hasn't broken into the orbit if you will of relationship. And so it comes crashing down. And some of the reasons is, and this, look it, if you follow my channel, you know I talk significantly about childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas. Let me repeat that, childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. Now, here's the thing. You might have grown up in a very loving home and you might think, wow, I didn't have childhood traumas. We have all had traumas in a variety of different ways. It could have been at school. It could have been a school teacher. It could have been one of our classmates. It could be friends. It could be even a family member. The fact is a young child does not know how to comprehend adult behavior. And so children react in a variety of different ways. So the traumas, you might have even grown. Now, let's think about this. If there was abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, a parent going through divorce, all of those things aren't the loving piece, but people could be in a loving childhood and still experience some wounds and traumas. And then I said adult traumas. So going back to what I was sharing a moment ago and I want to open my notes again, is that once the honeymoon phase is over, that chemicals start to come crashing down. The man or woman is left with what's really going on and oftentimes their stuff starts to bubble up in surface. So they give reasons, you're too good for me, you deserve better, it's not you, it's me. Because these are human beings that have done little personal development work to heal their childhood wounds and traumas. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading my book. What the heck is self love? Anyway, by the way, it is on Audible and I want to be candid. I had a dear friend record it because I'm dyslexic and I had a hard time creating my own version. By the way, there's a link in the description to get my book. Why I recommend my book is it's a journey of personal development, self help and spiritual work. And I teach you what I went through to get to a place where I truly believe I love myself from a healthy place and that means I can most likely be in a healthy, happy relationship. Oh, by the way, today I have champagne, I'm mixing it up today because it's a holiday. I just happened to have a bottle of champagne that was open in the fridge and I thought, what the heck, so salute to everyone. Lahime, sherifet, and I do have some water as well. So all right, the second reason why, and I told you in the description, the third one is gonna sing sting, but the second reason why, and this is a sad piece, he's no longer attracted to you physically. He's no longer attracted to you physically. Now, this happens for men who are seeking constant variety. There are men out there, not all men, but a significant percentage of men that they need constant variety. And if the relationship isn't stimulating him on both a physical level, and well, I said he's not physically attracted, but I wanna piggyback one other component in this. Either he's not physically attracted to or you're not bowing to how he chooses to be in relationship. So I'm gonna put two together, even though they're totally non sequiturs. But these are two common reasons, either A, he's lost physical attraction, or B, you're not overly cooperative to his controlling behavior. I said his controlling behavior, because the reality is, and by the way, my channel is for those of us in midlife, which is after baby making years before retirement, so those who follow me are between 40 and 69, is that as we age, we become very set in our ways. And when someone isn't cooperative and if someone isn't attracted, you're not feeling that attracted because this person needs constant variety. And it's oftentimes what's going on underneath when they come up with, it's not you, it's made, you deserve better, you're too good for me, okay? That's another reason why, in fact, I probably could have come up with 10 other, the real deeper reasons. But this is the third one I'm about to share and this is gonna sting the most. And that is, and I almost have to pause as I'm gonna say this, is you are a placeholder relationship. You are a placeholder relationship. What you are basically, what's known as a transitional girlfriend. Here's the thing. Men and women alike who go through a divorce oftentimes need to experience a couple relationships before they're ready to actually be in another relationship. They want companionship, connection and sex, but they're not capable of going into any deeper intimacy. And I know this because I was there myself shortly after my divorce. First off, I was a trainwreck after my divorce, seeking that female attention, that female connection, I don't say feminine energy, I say female connection, female companionship and female sex, okay, not that I need to say female there, but that's what drove me. I know I'm speaking for myself and I'm speaking for so many men who are incapable of being in relationship typically after a divorce. Now, co-dependent men are different. Co-dependent men immediately attach themselves to the first person they meet and they oftentimes remarry or get remarried quickly, those co-dependent men, and then they go on to be in another 65% of category that get divorced after that. But being the transition girlfriend, you are a placeholder, but no one's ever gonna tell you you were the transition girlfriend. They're gonna say, you're too good for me, you deserve better or it's not you, it's me. So here's the thing. Why someone wants to end the relationship, whatever reason they give, the challenges is we often create our own meaning around what they say. And oftentimes as human beings, we turn it against ourselves and say, what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? I see women all the time when a man ends a relationship, they're like, oh, what did I do wrong? What could I do better? Can I keep you? Can I keep you? Can I keep you? Can I keep you? Because sadly, a lot of women are suckling on the nipple of what I say frequently in my videos is I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And when someone wants to end the relationship, all of a sudden, all of your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence goes out the window because most humans are suckling on the need of validation from another human being to feel good about themselves. This is why I scream at the top of my lungs not to do this work of self-love. So you don't feel dependent upon someone else to be in relationship because who gives a fuck what reasons they give? It doesn't matter. And actually knowing the why behind it doesn't matter. What matters most is they wanna end the relationship. Okay, you wish them well. Now, here's the challenge. How could you have vetted for this to happen? How could you have predicted this behavior early on? Well, ladies, I can't begin to tell you how many of you will pursue relationships that are absolute dysfunctional? How many of you will pursue relationships that are incompatible? How many of you will pursue relationships where you don't have lifestyles blendable? And none of you vet for emotional maturity. This is why I created a coaching program to teach you how to pre-qualify a prospect so you can eliminate those looky-loos and wishy-washy men much sooner. Now, is it an absolutely guaranteed? No, but when you learn how to become a detective of your own life, it's not being the CEO of your love life. You have to be a detective of your love life because you don't have me at the front door when you go out on a first date with a guy and I'm your big brother with the shotgun. All right, buddy, you're going out with my little sister, you better treat her with respect or this gun is gonna be pointed in your face. And so, and most of you who work with me as clients know I'm very protective of my clients, I'm very much a big brother energy. And I'm not there for you, so I have to teach you how to vet for emotional maturity, how to ask the right questions before you ever even go out on a first date because this whole narrative is, dating's just about a good time, have a good time, just focus on have a good time. Men are chivalrous, they'll claim you, they're just gonna do all the work because, and you can just sit in your princess energy and it'll be totally fine. Well, how the fuck is that working for you? You wouldn't be following my channel if it was working so great. So why do I bring this up? Because it's important to recognize it doesn't matter the reasons that they give for breaking up. What matters most is what are you going to do next? And how are you going to do a better job? Because I can tell you, I've spoken to women who have been in relationships that have broken up and 90% of them all say, I knew something was off right from the get go but I went against my better judgment. Bump, bump, bump, oops. Okay, I don't wanna show those armpit stains. Bump, bump, bump. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I would have an oceanfront view, oceanfront view home. I'd drive a brand new sports car and there, that it, I have those two things, okay? Because how many times do you go against your better judgment under the guys, well, you just never know, you just never know. You actually do know. This is why going back to my book, I teach you how to hone your intuition and then in my coaching program, I teach you to ask the right questions and that's what I want you to start doing, asking better questions before you ever give your heart to a man so you don't end up with phrases like, you're too good for me, you deserve better. It's not you, it's me. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If you're watching the replay, post a comment, let me know. We're gonna jump into Q and A in a second. I do wanna cover a topic before we do Q and A. Okay, so we've covered those reasons why and the bottom line is this ladies, ask better questions so you don't have to end up in situations like this. Okay, now I wanna cover a topic and I wanna differentiate the top, the topic is dating and courting, dating and courting. Okay? Before we take Q and A, I wanna jump into this conversation of dating and courting because there's such a misconception. Okay, courting is an old term used, I wanna say it derives from England but it could be France, where basically when a man sought to marry a woman that he was interested in barely knew her, there was a short period of the getting to know you period called courting but there was a very deliberate desire to marry that person and there was a short lived period where two people would chaperoned, there weren't really dates, they were just meetings, just chaperoned meetings and until there was approval by the family and then they got married very quickly. That's what courting was, okay? And it sounds so romantic, he courted me. I just, you know, men are courting women, okay? Well, that sounds great in an old fashioned theory but today I need everybody to understand this, we're meeting total strangers, we know nothing about them. So in the beginning, it takes one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 dates, 10 face-to-face meetings, roughly about 100 hours of time accumulated just to get to phase one of knowing someone. And quite frankly, after 10 dates you still might not know you want to marry a person. How many of you wanna get married to a guy after knowing him for 10 dates? None of you want that, you wouldn't take that risk. So this expectation that a man is supposed to court you, the idea of courting is he knows he wants to marry you so there's an intentionality. The dating process is merely a screening process to get to know one another. That's what dating is. That's all dating is, it's a screening process to decide if you wanna be in relationship with one another. And this is where a lot of women get tripped up because there's this grand expectation that a man must do greater effort than the woman. A man is supposed to do greater effort in the woman because she's the prize or something like, a lot of the princess energy coaches are you teaching you're the prize? Look at human being, let's take away the gender and look at humans as a human being, as humans as a human being. Have a cocktail on me. It takes time to get to know another human being. It takes time just to get to know a friend. I made recently, I made a new friend. We've hung out a little bit but it could take years before it's really fully developed into a deep friendship and it could fade just as soon as it started. And there's no expectations from one of us to have to do anything different other than just show up, just show up, show up from the perspective of this book, the four agreements. Be impeccable with your word, don't make assumptions, don't project onto others and do your best. That's what, that's, listen, that's all you need to do in the dating process is be impeccable with your word, don't make projections, don't make assumptions and do your best and spend time getting to know one another. I want, I think this grand expectation around courting and the expectation that men are supposed to treat you differently is one of the primary reasons why many women are feeling frustrated. Now, men are feeling frustrated too. By the way, women, you have every right to complain because there's a significant number of men that are just in it for the short run to get laid. They were like me in the beginning when I was so desperate for companionship, connection and sex, but not ready. So you have a valid reason to be frustrated with men, but men have a valid reason to be frustrated with women because there's this whole genre of women that have become so entitled around an expectation of what a man is supposed to do because of this old fashioned narrative of courting and not an understanding of, it's merely getting to know another human being. Take out, this is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book. If the Buddha dated it, if the Buddha dated it. In fact, here, I want to read a section. By the way, you know someone likes a book when it's highlighted, do you see all those highlights? But there was an interesting quote in the Buddha date. It says equality does not mean unisex or androgyny or becoming the same. Rather, it reflects two people who adore each other and who wholeheartedly will be well-developed sense of self. And it goes on this, basically what it's saying is it's two people mutually investing in one another. This is why I'm such a big proponent. I always talk about a relationship is a two lane street and it starts on the very first date, mutually investing in one another, mutually investing. In other words, it's not the man is supposed to call you all the time. You can pick up the phone and call him. You can pick up a text. Don't give your power away to a man. That's one of the challenge I see with so many of you women is you've been indoctrinated to this, the man is supposed to claim you and he's supposed to be chivalrous. And you just sit back in your feminine energy and he's gonna do all the work. The problem with that is you don't know if he's in it for the short run or the long run because a man will chase sex just like a man will pursue a long-term relationship. In fact, men are more inclined to pursue sex way more than they are a long-term relationship. In fact, I truly believe that less than, well, I truly believe that 80% of the population here in the United States is emotionally dysfunctional. So it leaves you a very short window of finding those emotionally healthy people. And this is why it's important to love on yourself first and then learn how to ask better questions in the dating process. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know, hit that like button. All right, I think this will be a great time to start taking questions really quickly though first. If you purchase a super sticker or super chat, all of the money goes to a foundation I'm starting in the name of my son Connor right there. Connor's my son who passed away a couple years ago in honor of Connor. The foundation is gonna have the name Salty in it somewhere because that's his nickname. And the goal is to create a fund, a scholarship fund for personal growth. In other words, I wanna help people maybe go to the Hoffman process and I wanna give a scholarship for that. You're not familiar with the Hoffman process and a lot of you are because you watch my videos. This is a deep dive into your childhood wounds and traumas to heal negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life. So this is kind of the goal with the foundation. So just wanna give you a heads up on that. All right, if you have a question, post the word question then write the question there after. Lisa says, I need to get that book. Yes, get the Hoffman process. Salty has right wing connotations these days. Well, that's sad to hear, not my son. All right, question. I sometimes get angry super quick, zero to 10 in seconds and that can be harmful to me and any relationship I have. What steps do you recommend to start healing that quickness anger? I think this is a great question and it's interesting. Sal, Sal, Sal, great. Yesterday I did a live stream and I went on a rant. I got triggered and I went off. I went from zero to 10 just like that and I got kind of nasty and I'm not proud of my behavior. Let me just say that I did it. I'm not proud of my behavior. I was cursing like a drunken sailor. What I think is most important to recognize is first off to be aware that you do that. So I was aware, I was in the moment, I don't think in the moment we're ever truly aware but certainly the awareness came to me seconds later after I got triggered. So sometimes when we get triggered, we can't help it because you're actually, the idea of a trigger is to literally expel all of the negativity that's coming on inside of you. It's funny, my son, my other son, call him right there, that's him right there. He knows me so well now because when I get triggered and I get defensive, it's so funny. And I've done it with him dozens and dozens of times. He'll know I react and then literally five minutes later I get the, okay, dad, is this the time you're gonna apologize? When you're in relationship with someone and you talk about these things, it's gonna take the charge out of it. This is why I recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and why I'm recommending this book is that, I'm gonna take down that, oops, sorry. Sorry, something happened, going back to, it's great. So awareness is the awareness that you're doing something. And sometimes we just let, we have to let it out. Did we get triggered? And a trigger is a good thing. That means something needs to be healed. So those are all good things, even if you go zero to 60. What's most important is that you take ownership of what happened. You take, well, actually, let me, here's a great book. My ex-girlfriend wrote the book Chatting or Cheating, Chatting or Cheating. And there's actually how to give an apology in here. And I wanna read this to everybody, okay? Cause this is critically important. Wait, where's apology? Oh, here we go. The Four R's to Apology, page 103. By the way, it's her birthday tomorrow. Okay, the Four R's to an apology. Recognition, regret and remorse, take personal responsibility and come up with some sort of restitution. Recognition, regret or remorse, responsibility and restitution. So with my son as an example, we've already got to a place where he knows my behavior, I'll sometimes, and by the way, this happens like once every two months, it's not like this is happening ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, right? And I'm hoping for you, it's not happening that. It's just sometimes we have to let it out, okay? It's not a good thing, but I'm saying it does happen. What's most important is you take ownership of it and you say to your partner, look, I'm doing my best to recognize my behavior. I actually have deep remorse, I take ownership of it and I'm gonna endeavor to improve each time. So with my son, it used to happen once a week, now it's one, then it went to once every two weeks, once a month and now every once in a while. So my hope is that the most important thing you recognize is that it's just simply a natural thing to explode. I'm not saying it's because it's most likely there is pent up energy. And if you can learn to be aware of it, in other words, if you already know this about yourself, great, that's what awareness is. And immediately catch yourself and then give the four Rs. That's my invitation for you and I hope that helps. So thank you so much. All right, okay. Our R says, I just finished the Hoffman this afternoon and would love a scholarship. That's great. If you go to the Hoffman process, let me know. All right, great. We'll talk about that later. Question, any advice for introverts who've never dated before? Any advice for introverts that've never dated before? I look at dating as a process of simply, here's the way I look at it. What's that old saying? Kiss, keep it simple, stupid. Just recognize that you're just getting to know another human being. That's all it is. And so take the pressure off of the destination. It's not about, the destination is I'm gonna fall madly in love with this person and live happily ever after. How about just make it really simple? You make one simple agenda before you meet somebody. And if let's say you go online dating, you connect with someone and then you meet on a date. You have two simple rules for yourself. Be open and receptive, be open and open. Open and receptive to the experience and be curious. Ask questions that makes you curious. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to be more curious and inquisitive instead of passive in our dating lives. Many people are absolutely passive and then they wonder why they're not falling in love because being curious about another human being. I always give this analogy. I'll never forget I met this, I was working with an intellectual law attorney once. I was doing something back in my insurance days. And we're talking, I said, where did you go to school? And he said UCLA and I go, you know, and what made you choose that? What made you choose that area of law? And then as he started to share, I go, oh, well, tell me more about that. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about that. I was just wanting to hear the why. And he said to me later, he goes, Jonathan, I really appreciate it. How much you listened to me. You know, just be curious. Start digging when someone's talking and practice. Get some practice out there. Now, here's the challenge with practicing is if you're just practicing and someone likes you a lot, but you're not ready to be in relationship, is that sincere? I just want you to, you know, recognize that, but maybe practice with friends to begin with. But ultimately, just keep it simple, two things. Be open and receptive to the experience and be curious about the other person. That's my best advice for you for that kind of scenario. I hope it helped. Thank you so much. All right, all right. Amanda writes, what type of questions should you ask when going on a date to weed out the men that are actually looking for a serious relationship or sleep with you? All right, this is part of my private coaching practice. So there's a list of 15 different areas we cover, but I'll just make a simple one for you. You're gonna probably, this is the first starting point, so I'll give you the number one, is ask a man, what does commitment look like for him? Well, ask him, you know, does he want a committed relationship? And then ask, what does commitment look like for him? Now, you should watch my live stream from yesterday, which is the rise of casual relationships, okay? The rise of casual relationships. Why they're so prevalent, I don't darn it, my pants, riding up my crotch again, darn it. So the rise of casual relationships, okay? The thing is here, ladies, if you want a fully committed relationship that leads to some level of partnership, then you better find out what does commitment look like for him? Now, those who follow my work know, and I'll give you Jonathan's version of it, commitment looks like this in the beginning of the relationship. And what I mean by the beginning, the first three months to six months, is that we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being partners in our life for one another, both in our personal and our professional life, in other words, supporting one another, teamwork building skills, along with intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to some level of partnership, whether it's living together or getting married. That I'm crystal clear on. That's what commitment looks like for me. So I invite you to ask men what does commitment look like for them? The challenge is many of you don't know what commitment looks like for you. And how are you ever going to be in a relationship if you don't know what commitment looks like for you? This is why when I work with a client, one of the things we do is we design the understanding of true compatibility, how to vet for compatibility, how to ask those deeper questions to develop the roots of trust to compatibility, along with vetting for emotional maturity. Another good question to vet for emotional maturity, simply ask, do you have a therapist? Ask the question. Human beings are rather pretty dysfunctional these days. And you might simply, now you wouldn't say it just like that. Do you have any therapy? Just go, have you ever experienced some things? Well, actually, you know what? I'm gonna give you one that's probably, this is ninja level questioning. But I would ask someone, are you familiar with the concept of childhood wounds and traumas? Are you familiar with the concept of childhood wounds and traumas? And if yes, what have you done to heal yours? I asked this on my questions of women. I do this before I ever meet someone. I don't wanna waste my time if I'm gonna meet someone who is probably still suffering on the inside. I'm not looking for that woman. I'm looking for that woman who's done the work. So I ask the questions, what personal development work have you done to heal childhood wounds and traumas? Now, I'm unafraid to ask that. And by the way, I know statistically I will turn off 990 women out of 1,000. But that's okay, because I'm not looking to date 999 women. I'm looking for that one woman who can appreciate the level of depth that I'm approaching the process instead of this, let's just have fun. It's all about fun. Just sit in your feminine energy and just have fun. Everybody's having so much fun. They're having so much sex. And then they're fucking pulling their hair out because they've invested time, energy, and resources in the wrong person. Stop focusing on fun and start being unintentional about your relationship experience. That's my invitation. By the way, folks, I'm offering a perspective. I am not suggesting I'm right or wrong, even though I am a little bit righteous. I offer a perspective. You take it for what it's worth. You choose how you wanna live your life. I'm just giving you some fodder to add to your quill, if you will. And thankfully, many of you are resonating with my content, so I appreciate that. But I hope I answered your question. Amanda, thank you so much. All right, let's see what else we have. All right, bum, bum, bum. Meg, duh. What if commitment means loss of freedom for him? Yeah, commitment actually does feel like a loss of freedom for many people. As people age, those of us in midlife, they're less likely to commit because they don't want, they feel like it's a loss of freedom because they're not intentional in the dating process. Listen, men in their 20s and 30s who know they want to make babies with a woman and start raising a family, they're very intentional. They're looking for a wife. The problem with midlife, 75% of people over 45 years old are divorced. And a big percentage of them never wanna get married again so they don't want a wife. So they're not, all they're seeking is companionship, connection, and sex. You should read the book. Esther Perel wrote, mating and captivity, mating and captivity. And she talks about this. Basically, these are the relationships, casual relationships where there's monogamy and exclusivity. Monogamy and exclusivity, it's stable in that sense, but it's called stable ambiguity because the ambiguous pieces, what do they want from a long-term perspective? And I'm here to say if someone doesn't have that intent for the long-term, they're just, listen, I mentioned this in a previous live stream. Most human beings operate from the premise of, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. Now, I like what Wayne Dyer said. By the way, my back is hurting. Wayne Dyer says, when you operate from a place of, I believe it and then I see it. I'll believe it and I believe it and then I'll see it. I believe it and then I'll see it. And what I mean is, I'll believe I'll fall in love with the right woman. I believe that. Now I'll see it. Instead of waiting to see it and then go, oh, I hope I fall in love with that person. This is why most humans are rather dysfunctional. Esther Perrell, who wrote this book, said 80% of relationships fail because they're not intentional in the process. This is why ladies, I continually recommend this book by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, eight dates. This is the book you wanna read before the penis ever goes inside the vagina because it teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. John Gottman interviewed over 30,000 couples, that were going through divorce to find the common thread, to find the common thread. So when they wrote this book, it's designed to avoid divorce. Wouldn't you rather try to, wouldn't you rather understand how relationships work so you can avoid the pitfalls instead of this whole narrative that men are supposed to court you and claim you and they're supposed to be chivalrous and you just sit back. Ladies, start being intentional in your lives because look at, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I'm here screaming at the top of my lungs to encourage a different way of approaching the process. And sadly, many of you want to hold on to an old traditional narrative, a traditional narrative that isn't working. Yes, the book, the rules. It fucked it up for you all because this is manipulative garbage that causes most of you to really discard really good men and choose the wrong men over and over and over again. If you've chosen, if you've had habitually problem with men, then maybe it's time to look inward and say, what do I need to do to change my experience? And maybe it's throwing out the whole garbage of how you were, listen, I have a part of my coaching program called Everything You've Learned About Relationships Wrong. And I just went through this last week with a client and she said, oh my God, Jonathan, you opened my eyes to something I didn't understand. I was raised with such a deep rooted traditional way of doing things and I recognize you're right, it's not working because folks, if the old traditional way was so great, why are 80% of people miserable in relationships? It's because they're not intentional and they haven't worked on themselves and they're absolutely selfish in the dating process, men and women alike, I'm spitting. I'm gonna drink. By the way, this cup says salty vibes, can you see that? This was a gift for nickname for my son Connor. So just to repeat, going back to commitment feels like restriction of freedom. It's because of this, because he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't understand the real value of what partnership really is. And if someone doesn't understand the value of partnership, then commitment is gonna feel like restriction. And but however, there are plenty of men that see the value of commitment and desire partnership. I always say most men are good guys, they're just bad daters, that's all. Most men are good guys, they're just bad daters or they just haven't done enough healing to be at least at stage one, two or three of a fledgling relationship. And that's my invitation for you. Do the work yourself, then lead by example. Does this help? I hope so. All right, let's see what we have here. Thank you, Coral. I'm sick of seeing the words fun and casual on their profiles. I just read, oh, I wanna read, okay, since Lisa brought this up, I wanna read a profile that was just sent to me on Facebook. I just, when I read this, listen, I just wanna share something. This one woman wrote in the middle of her bio, she goes, I don't tolerate the standard LA mail. Narcissistic, shallow, stupid image, money obsessed dudes, move along. No pot smokers, drugs, alcohol, party or small talk. Nothing casual, you won't get laid without a degree of commitment. Sorry, buddy. Now, I'll be candid with you. Total turnoff, what she wrote. Absolute total turnoff, because that tells me she's been hurt many times. And the fact that she had to state her hurt on a dating profile means that person hasn't healed. That person hasn't healed. I think a more health, would you guys like me to read my dating profile to you, just so you can hear kind of the difference? Would you be interested in that? Let me see if, what you say, let me know if you'd be interested in hearing my dating profile. Let's see what you guys say. Does anyone want me to share my dating profile? Write a comment there in the, okay, yes please. Okay, so let me read you mine. And this is sincere and from the heart. I'm very serious about what I'm sharing with everyone, okay? So let me just go, it's on match.com. Let me go to view. So I want to read you what I wrote. I start with the following. Let me, I say, let me start with the following. I'd like to get remarried or at least live together. I'm seeking a woman who feels the same. For me, this isn't about growing old with someone. I want to grow in life and love with a special woman. Plus I promise my next partner emotional maturity, lots of great sex, chocolate, massages, flirty text messages, poetry, travel, and tacos on Tuesday. How does that sound? The reason why I'm on this dating site, as well as a few others, is that I'm using any tool to connect with my soulmate and life partner. So you don't have to be concerned if I'm going to waste your time. And I hope you're the same. Is that a deal? And just so you know, in my world, commitment and partnership is what I want. And the last thing I seek is something casual. If, do you feel the same way? If yes, drop me a note. There's no, and if there's mutual connection, meaning we're attracted to each other, let's talk. The way I describe, well, okay. So you get the gist of where I'm going. There's more to it, but. I'm very crystal clear in the beginning. And I did it conversationally. That woman I read, I don't want cheaters, I don't want liars, I want the narcissist. Look it, I understand that Los Angeles is riddled with those kind of men, but the fact that she had to express it, just sets her up for failure. Oh, dark chocolate and red wine, okay. By the way, what did you think of that? What did you think of that profile? Did that resonate with you? Because that's the kind of level I would like to see you writing your profiles. And there's humor in my profile as well. I hope you noticed that. All right, Lisa, thank you for that question. And I'm going to tell you most people's efforts in the online dating world is, ah, it's like I want to throw up women, ladies. I look at women's profiles all day long. It is horrific what a terrible job they do presenting themselves. And then they wonder why they're still single. Anyways, that's just my, thank you. Love your profile. Thanks, Jacqueline. Debbie, that was hot. Thank you. And Jay Chan says, oops, where did that one go? Well, close the wallet. I don't understand what that means. All right, let's find some more questions. Bum, bum, bum, wow. I got to scroll up a lot. Okay, Hannah says, what's the way to get men to look past your outward appearance? I dress modestly and most men hate that. Okay, so first off, I guess my question is, how do you feel about men who dress modestly? Because I'm sure if men dress modestly, there's going to be, they're going to seek women who dress modestly. I don't know what modestly means. Look, and I'm a jeans and flip-flop kind of guy. So I live at the beach. I don't get dressed up. I mean, look, I just got a t-shirt on tonight. Most men, look at, most men actually aren't, by the way, I've interviewed men. Most men do not like the fake eyelashes. They don't like lots of plastic surgery or women. Most men actually like natural-looking women. Believe it or not, most men do. Only superficial men are looking for that plastic Barbie girl. Most superficial men are only seeking, the average guy actually doesn't like all that makeup and stuff women put. They don't. So be modest. The right guy is going to appreciate that. Only the wrong guy doesn't appreciate that. I know you've had, you said some experiences, but that doesn't mean all experiences. And I wonder if this is actually a deflection for something else. Ladies, you might, I'm just saying, Hannah, you might be using this as a narrative to actually not address the deeper issue that's causing men to do that. And what you might not be aware of, and it's hard to say, because I don't know you and I haven't talked to you, this might be a narrative you're saying to combat a deeper issue of why you might not be experiencing what you want. And you're using this as the backdrop because you're not addressing the deeper issue. And I don't know what that is. That's what I teach in my private coaching, is to dig deeper, to find out what's causing many of the blocks. And I can tell you as a man, I can see women's blind spots very quickly that they can't see. That's why I was able to point this out. Because I don't believe that's the real issue because most men actually, look it, we're not going to appreciate someone who just got out of bed, didn't make her hair and looks like we've def-shevelled. You wouldn't be attracted to a guy who did that. But most women, with very little makeup, don't need much to actually, most men don't really care about all the plasticity that a lot of women invest in. That's just my perspective anyway. I hope that helps, Hannah. Thank you so much. Great question. If you have a question, write the word question and then post it. Oh, here we go. Travel one. How do men really feel about no sex before marriage? If he is told by a woman up from lots of diseases out there? Great question. How do most men feel? 99 out of 100 men will go next. I'm just going to be blunt, okay? This is, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. The reality is, is most men today know that we can have sex without marriage, okay? And by the way, there is enough women out there. Now, typically a man has to share that same value. You need to find a man who shares that same value and ask that question quickly and say what's your value around marriage and sex and ask the question. Men who are typically more religious, Muslim cultures, Christian cultures, just to name a few that are more religiously inclined or more apt to do that. But I'm going to tell you, let's just say 970 out of 1,000 men, men can get sex without full commitment, without marriage. So I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just telling you what's out there. So the job is to ask the questions before you date them. And most men aren't going to lie about that. They'll just avoid you and move on. So, you know, but that's the standard you set for yourself and you're absolutely entitled to your standard. So go, you know, just do better job asking questions. That's my invitation for you, travel one. All right. Question, I met a guy yesterday. I thought was young though a mutual through a mutual friend. I found his Facebook profile, message him on what I thought of him was that wrong as I thought stuff it and I'm going for it. SJ, I love, love, love that you did it. Guess what ladies? This is a perfect example of an empowered woman. Ladies, I love that you took, first off, that very brave of you, first off. I know, by the way, we men, listen, we don't love rejection and I know women don't love it either. So no human being loves rejection, but the fact that you made a bold gesture way to go and you might have absolutely impressed him. You didn't tell me what happened. So, and this was yesterday. So why don't you tell us what happened? But the fact is you did that Bravo good for you because you know what? This isn't about waiting to be claimed by men. We are in a whole different ballgame of dating, mating and relating, folks. It's time to throw out the old playbook and understand as women can make effort too. Women can initiate the first meeting. Women can initiate a first date. By the way, it's not gonna emasculate a man. A man's penis won't shrivel up to this tiny little thing because you made effort. And by the way, effort just expresses a level of, what's the word I'm looking for? Effort, that generosity. That is a very generous thing you did. And if a man felt emasculated by your generosity, you don't want that man. Only, oops, I was gonna say the P word. I'm not going there. But only weak human beings get offended by generosity. Oh my God, this narrative that men are gonna be, they're gonna feel emasculated because you just took the initiative. No, they're not. Oh, now, okay, so weak men, yes, I get it. Controlling men, oh, they don't like to be told. They don't like this. Controlling men don't like this whatsoever. But guess what, you dodge a bullet because you don't want to date a controlling guy. And here's the thing, ladies, a great way to determine his emotional maturity is when you ask him on a date and he says, wow, thank you, I would love to. Let me repeat that. He says, wow, thank you, I would love to. Because that tells you he's open and receptive to love. People that are controlling or people over a week get angry at this. But healthy emotion, by the way, interview, if you can find 10 emotionally healthy men and ask this question of them, find out what they say because I can tell you, I can tell you that most emotionally healthy guys would go, wow, we would love it. Just like women love to be asked out. Let's stop this narrative of men and women and let's start focusing on human beings. We are just human beings. Yes, some have penises, some have vaginas, some we don't know. But ultimately, what matters most is you do something sincere and from the heart and bravo to you for doing that. Thumbs up from Jonathan. Way to go. All right. God, there's so many great comments. I just am trying my best. Question, Jonathan, will a good man be put off by my previous bad choices of relationship? Will it cause him to doubt me? Only to the, okay, the great question. So I think, all right, when you come at it from a place of empowerment, absolutely not. If you come at it from a place of victim consciousness, absolutely. Let me give you an example. I went out with a woman. Well, this is funny story. So I dated a woman for about six weeks, about five years ago. And our first date, we met through Facebook, we had mutual friends, we went through Facebook and it was a Facebook date, which meant was, I said, hey, we're mutual friends. Do you want to just get together for a drink? Wasn't really a date, it was just a meeting. And so I'm asking questions, oh, you know, were you married? And she goes, yeah. And I go, what happened to your marriage? And she said, oh, you know what? I was with a narcissist. I'm like, okay. And then I go, well, what happened with your last relationship? And because I'm a dating coach, people feel comfortable talking to me. So she goes, oh, he was a narcissist. And I go, oh really? I go, what about the relationship before that? And she goes, oh, he was a narcissist and the relationship before that, he was a narcissist. So I thought interesting. Well, I thought to myself, well, I'm not a narcissist. By the way, you heard my rant, if you heard my rant yesterday on that one, I thought, great, you know, I'm gonna be her hero because I'm not a narcissist. Well, sure enough, we dated for six weeks. I honestly, she was boring to talk to. It was funny. She wrote these beautiful emails to me, but in person, she was, I said boring because she was so shy, she wouldn't open up. And I need depth and I need someone who is demonstrative, effusive, articulate and willing. But she wrote beautiful messages but she couldn't do it in person. I got, boring's not the right word. Let me rewind the word boring. I just felt misaligned. So I ended the relationship. Do you know what happened the next day? She posted on Facebook, dated another narcissist. I'm like, oh my God, I didn't hear this. I mean, I should know better. She was telegraphing her problems because she didn't take ownership in any one of her relationships ending. Let me be honest about my marriage, it ended. I was a jackass. I was unconscious when I was married. I was very selfish and I was more focused on work than I was being a parent or raising a family. I was so hyper focused in my professional life that I was an unconscious jackass. That's me owning my shit. That's me taking ownership on my part. My ex-wife has her issues too. But my point is I could point the finger at all the things wrong at her and you'd go, oh, well, I'm not that person. So I'll be your hero. Folks, people who don't take ownership for the reasons why their relationship ends, their part, those are the ones to look out for. So if you take ownership, go for it. Just do it and it's learning how to frame it. In fact, one of the things I do as a coach, I teach you how to frame your past relationships in such a way that actually gets seen, heard and understood in a really healthy way. Part of the problem with most humans is they don't know how to communicate in a healthy way. Our baggage, our garbage, our stuff. So I'm trying to think, do I have a good book on that? I don't at the moment. Coming back to nonviolent communication be a great book. Also another great book to read. I recommend this all the time is how to be an adult in relationship. This is all about taking ownership in your life and that's my invitation for many of you. And then again, my book, What the Eccleself Love That's Unaudible. All right, great question. Thank you so much. Big hugs to you. Joss writes, I've been dating someone for a while but there is no progress to the next level. Should we just drop the connection even though there is attraction? So first my question to you is what does the next level look like for you? Number two, talk to him about the what the next level looks like for you. Find out what the next level looks like for him and ask him, is this something you want to explore together? Bump, bump, bump. It's that simple. What's the next level for you? Express what the next level is for you to him. Find out what he feels about the next level for himself and see if you're on the same page and you want to explore the next level. It's as simple as that. Ladies, you're giving your power away to men because men are supposed to be chivalrous and claim you and just sit back in your feminine energy and you do nothing. And then you'll end up in situations for two years going, what the fuck happened? He broke up with me because you didn't speak your truth. Start speaking up to men. That's my invitation for you, Joss. Did that help? I hope so. All right. Sarah says, if we treat men like a husband, then we are to blame when he has no intention of committing to a relationship. I don't understand that. I don't agree. Oh, I know this is part of a thread. So please forgive me, everyone. SJ says, thank you. I guess is what I, thank you, Jonathan. Thank, ah, thank you, Jonathan. As guess what he messaged me back and he said he felt the same. Yay, great to hear. See how simple this is? You know how simple it is? All you have to do is open your mouth and talk. Oh my God, it's as simple as opening your mouth to your talk but I know many of you are afraid. This is why you have to read this book. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. This teaches you how to talk to the voices in your head that doesn't know what to do. This book teaches you, buy this book and read it today. By the way, only read one chapter at a time. It is way too deep to read more than one chapter at a time. Can we do that? I hope so. All right, all right, we're, oh. Sadie says, will a good man be put up by, oh my. Oh, we already covered that, sorry. Question, I look 15 to 20 years younger than I am. Should I lie about my age? All right, I'm sorry I'm laughing about this Noel. Everybody thinks they look 15 years younger than their age. So everybody is, you know, all right. So that's what everybody believes. Now let's talk about fudging, not lying, fudging on your profile. The reality is is most everybody over 50 years old is fudging on their profile. I would say probably 95% of men and women are, I'm not using the word lying, they fudge. Predominantly to be seen in the algorithms, okay? Now, does that mean you should fudge by 10 to 15 years? Absolutely not. That is a whole generation and a half, okay? At most, I recommend somewhere between two to six years of fudging on your age, okay? It's not about what you look like. The reality is, is there could be, listen. If, let's say someone looks at your, let's say you fudged by 15 years. Let's say for argument's sake, you're 55 and you put 40. And a man who's 40 years old wants to meet a woman who wants to make babies or wants to start a family or something like that. That's not fair to that person to fudge by that much. Plus there's a big generational gap within 10 to 15 years. So my suggestion, fudge by two to six years to be seen in more of the algorithms because everybody is doing it. So you're gonna do it because everybody else is doing it. And by the way, at the end of the day, you just simply say it may be in the bottom of your profile or when you talk to them, by the way, I just wanna let you know my age. Some people are gonna be turned off by it. Some people say, oh my God, you lied to me. Fucking folks, we gotta let go of this whole narrative about lying. Everybody has lied in their life. This whole idea of someone fudges on their dating profile, they're a liar. Everybody lies. And mostly everybody lies to themselves and you folks are included. Everybody lies to themselves. We make up stories and narratives to build. This is what the ego does. It makes up stories and narratives so we can partially feel good about ourselves. This is why I recommend all this personal development work so you're not continually lying to yourself. And it's not lying when someone fudges on their profile. It's just simply to be. And by the way, I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack for this one. I get it. Many of you are stuck on a narrative that if someone lies on their profile, they're a liar. But have you ever lied to a cop? No, I wasn't speeding. You're everybody's a liar. So let's stop this narrative. At least my suggestion is to stop it. Okay, by the way, Noel, I hope I answered your question. Thank you so much. Let's see. Are people throwing me under the bus? What I'm saying? Just curious. Oh, Penny writes, question. Your thoughts on a man that only wants to spend time alone with women to cultivate the relationship? God, I hope he doesn't wanna spend time with his friends while he's cultivating the relationship. Well, okay, maybe I misunderstood the question. Certainly in the beginning stages of dating, we want to spend time with the one person because we feel good being with them. But ultimately, a healthy relationship is a progression of introducing family and friends, doing social activities and hobbies, traveling together and doing things outside of the tiny narrative that many people live in. So I'm a big proponent of doing things together with people and social settings because that's how you truly bond with another person. Men don't bond over the telephone, ladies. We do zero bonding over the telephone. We bond through activities and we bond through spending time with our family and friends. So if someone isn't willing to do that, you may not be bonding heavily together or he just may not be, you know what? Maybe he might even feel ashamed for some reason. I don't know what the issue could be, but I wouldn't date someone who doesn't wanna spend time with other people because that's healthy. That's healthy. Some people are so scared of their own shadow that they're afraid to go out to be around people. I mean, that's okay. If you wanna choose that kind of relationship, that's okay, but if you're somewhat outgoing like myself, I wanna do Hollywood Bowl with my best friend and his girlfriend and I wanna go to parties with other couples and I wanna do spiritual retreat with groups of people. That's just me, but maybe you're not that way and maybe he's not that way. You just have to do what's right for you, Penny, and that's my invitation for you. All right, Doug is in the house. Doug says, I had a woman text me last Sunday and invite me to the Van Gogh Museum exhibit in Atlanta in June. I loved it, gesture. Way to go, Doug, this is a perfect example of ladies, how a woman made effort and it was well received. If a man's into you, it's gonna be well received. If he's not into you, just like when you're not into a man, it's not gonna be received the way you want it to be, but that's because for whatever reason, they're just not that into you. Doug was in there enough to say, way to go. By the way, folks, I spoke to this gentleman on the phone, good guy, get his Facebook page and become friends with him. All right, Leanne writes, question, how much is too flirting? What would be considered over flirting? I like to flirt and try to bring it into the conversation and there, but won't come across too strong. You know, Leanne, I love this question because I'm a big flirt and I've communicated with women who aren't flirty and I actually lose interest. I feel like, at least speaking for myself and maybe you're the same way, you need to find someone who's like you, who likes to flirt, who likes to text message and be effusive and demonstrative, okay? That likes to use emojis and create energy. Don't focus on the guys who don't wanna do it. Focus on the guys who enjoy it and develop, now, this is just a perspective I have, but I think it sucks when you're a flirty person and you're with someone who's not, it tends to be boring. That's just my perception on it. I'm not saying that's what it is, but just find someone who likes to flirt as much as you and don't focus on the people that don't do it as much or do it at none at all. If they do it a little bit, you might have to tone it down a little bit, that's fine in the beginning, but choose someone that wants to, I went out with a woman once, she totally blew me off. She was going through some heavy duty parental stuff, but we were so flirty to one another, I loved it. I loved the text messaging, I loved the communication, I loved it, she was demonstrative, effusive, she was physical touch was one of her love languages. We only dated twice. I was bummed because I really liked her, but she had such drama going on in her life, she couldn't even focus on being in a relationship. And by the way, ladies, sometimes it's not us, a lot of times it's you. So anyway, a great question, I would just choose someone who's like you. All right, Lisa says, I love banter, exactly. All right, Doug, you're being asked, where do you live? He's in Atlanta, ladies. Hannah, oh, this comes back to your question. By the way, I did read that you dress in Muslim attire, so I understand that. I'm trying to find a partner, but I'm from a small religious community. Most of the men are deeply misogynistic. How do I get men to look beyond their egos? It's not your job to get a man to look beyond your ego. Your job is to find the man who isn't entrenched in his ego. Let me repeat that. Now a lot of people from certain cultures are very machismo and very misogynistic. It's in many cultures, it is a very one-up, one-down type of relationships, okay? And if that's not what you want, I mean, it's okay to, by the way, one-up, one-down means the man's in charge and a woman is submissive or subservient to the man. I'm not an advocate of that, so let me just be clear. But I do wanna say that it's gonna be a challenge when that's because of your upbringing, your desires and everything, but there's always the exception to the rule. So just be perseverant, keep interviewing men, ask really good questions of the men that you are socializing with. And maybe a man who finds you interesting and appreciative won't be as egoic as a lot of men you've experienced. But I will say men of certain cultures can be very machismo and misogynistic. And that's just a sad reality. That narrative is changing with Gen Zs and millennials, but for the baby boom and the older generation, that's still very entrenched. And I'm sorry, this is the kind of stuff we're dealing with. Not everybody, but keep in mind that you do have certain parameters that makes it all so difficult because, remember when I said 97 out of 100 men know that they can get sex elsewhere, they're the whole narrative of sex before marriage or marriage before sex is very rare these days. It's not gone, it's just very rare. So I'm sorry, there's not much better advice I can give you, but let me just tell you, you can't do anything to change a man's ego. What you can do is choosing a better, learn how to ask better questions so you avoid those men or at least most of those men. That's my invitation for you. Thank you for that question, thank you so much. All right. Bum, bum, bum. Katrina writes, how long should I wait to date after a breakup from three year relationship? Great question. There is no set rule. There is, some people say for every year, your relationship takes six months off. I don't subscribe to that. Some people say for every year in relationship take one month off. I think whatever time it takes for you to, okay, so I want you to think of a relationship like this. When you unravel the tapestry, it's gonna be frayed a little bit. What's most important is to come back to your sovereignty. I'd say six months, well, three to four months minimum, just do a deep dive into your own personal development work and then maybe dip your toe out in the water. But for a three year relationship, I'd say, I mean, I'm just giving you an arbitrary number. I mean, I know some people have breakup after three years and they're out in the dating realm the next day. And for some people that may work, for some people that may not, you have to do what's right for you. That's the most important thing is do what's right for you. Okay, you don't need my advice on that, do what's right for you. But thank you for asking, Katrina, I appreciate it. Amen on flirting. I take ownership for that, but some man find it too strong to take. Yeah, some men, by the way, I'm a big gigantic, I'm a Leo. Leos love to flirt, we like to have our main stroke, we like to flirt, that's just our personality. I don't think cancers like to flirt, I'm just making this shit up, I have no clue. That was my ex-wife, that's why I said that. That was not right, nice, but find someone who's like you rather than trying to change someone who's not like you. I love that question, Beverly, thank you. Wasn't a question, but your post. Amen to flirting. All right, what else do we have here? I can't pronounce your name whatsoever. It's great to connect with you, Jonathan, on this live stream, great lessons being learned. It's 1.5 p.m. time here, I'm assuming a.m. So thank you and happy birthday, great vibes for you. Thank you so much. Bump, bump, bump. Lynn says I'm a Leo too, yay. I'm a Leo, here's another Leo. By the way, I don't, do Leo's actually get along well? I dated a Leo and boy, that was a lot of heavy energy between us, you know, so. All right, KK writes, he's being confused, confusing my boyfriend, oh, that's not a question. All right, if you have a question, write the word question, then post it. Jonathan, hi, Jonathan, I bought your book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? I received the book this morning, yay, yay, yay, Rosemary, way to go, here's the book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? There's the back cover. By the way, this back cover was taken by my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend. When I stayed at their home over the weekend, I was, I went out to, they live in this beautiful home and it was fogging everything. And he took that picture with his iPhone, I said that had to be the back cover. So thank you for purchasing my book, I am truly grateful. On Amazon, check out the link below if you're watching the replay. Julie says, older men are great, way to go. Julie, back again, question, new relationship, only dated one month, he wants to take a trip for five days. Is that too soon? Does it ruin the relationship going too fast? First off, is that really, you've known each other for a month doing, by the way, I did a live stream about one of the four test men have and one is called the road trip test, the road trip test. I knew a man, actually he is the owner of a, was the owner of a very prominent movie studio in Los Angeles and I socialized with him quite a bit for a period of time. And when he was dating a woman, you know, divorce has a couple kids and when he was dating a woman, he always had a role. The first, within a month, they would go on a road trip together. I wonder if it's him you're dating. He's in his late 70s now, but he did what he was called the road trip test to see how a woman was out on a trip. Because at a trip, there's a lot of times anxiety and a person's real personality can show up when they're traveling. So I think it's a good thing to see how well you work together in that type of environment. So one month in, if you've seen, listen, if you're intimate with each other already or maybe it's a prelude to being with them, if you've gone on at least six to 10 dates, I'm not, look, I'm not approved here to say no, don't do it, but you have to ultimately do, Julie, you got to do what's right for you. I can offer you a perspective, but you have to be, look at, you have to remember to be safe within yourself and know your standards and know your boundaries. So the real question is, how do you feel about it? And then work from there, always look inward. How do I feel about it? And listen to your inner voice, allow it to speak to you. And sometimes it can be confusing and that's okay too. Just keep being quiet and still and the answer will reveal itself, my hope is for you. Thank you so much. All right, let's see what else we have. I'm watching says, Jonathan, what caused a genuine nice and interested guy to break up after five months of relationship in a kind of ghosting way, no goodbye, but then ask weekly, how am I doing? What activities? I'm sorry, I laughed, which wasn't nice. Why I laughed was this is not an uncommon question. So why do men end relationships? Because they're not ready, they're not ready. Men who are ready don't waste people's times. Men who are seeking connection and companionship without any intentionality will waste people's times. And yet he feels a connection for you, that's why he stays connected with you. If someone, look it. If your friends stay communicated with one another, communicate with one another, but if it's an annoyance, then block him. But ultimately the why, it's that he wasn't ready for a relationship but he still likes you. That doesn't mean he wants to be married to you, just means he likes you. That's all it means, most likely anyway. I can't say for absolutely, but most likely. All right, question. He said, I'm moving to Florida, will not return, didn't believe him. I don't understand that, but thank you. Let me get this question. My long distance boyfriend said that we could go on a bike date, wait, let me read this again. KK writes, question. My long distance boyfriend said that we could go on a bike date, yet I've been waiting for a week. Should I leave it alone? All right, so this is where it's complicated reading this question. How long have you been two dating? How often do you see each other? Have you been intimate with one another? These are just some of the few questions I need to know to answer a question like this. Is this a one to two year long distance relationship or is this someone you dated 10 seconds ago? The fact that he hasn't come up with a plan yet, maybe he's got stuff going on in his world. But I think if he said, let's plan, he said we should go on a, we should, but he said we could go on a bike date. Could go on a bike date is not the same as he planned a bike date and hasn't fulfilled it. So I have to be, I'm parsing your words here, but he's making an offer, maybe he's waiting for you to plan it, I don't know. So maybe he's waiting for you to set it all up. Call him, talk to him about it. Ladies, it's simple as this. This is called a telephone, okay? This is called a headset. You put your phone like this, you go like this. You text him and say, first you text him and say, hey, do you got a minute to chat? Okay. And you get on the phone and say, hey, we talked about a bike date. What's your game plan on this? Sit, it's all you have to do. You pick up the phone, you put your headset on and you talk to one another. Oh, by the way, you might use your Bluetooth or your earbuds. So I do have, I have earbuds as well. So you can use your earbuds. Just call them. It's as simple as that and find out instead of leaving it alone. This whole leaning back and waiting for the guy. Ladies, lean in to your sovereignty, lean into your power, take charge of your relationship destiny and get on the phone and talk to him. Can I get an amen? All right. Janey says, I love your videos. Thank you. Shelly says, I'm a Leo too, ride on. Let's see. How can you get a man to take you seriously and not look at you like a little sister? I always get. You're nice, but see you as a little sister. You know, Hannah, there's, you're asking a lot of questions that is a challenge for me because I don't listen. I give generalized advice because without asking the, by the way, without asking the proper questions, it's not healthy to give. It's one thing to give generalized advice, but you're seeking some real specific areas of help in your life. And that's something you have to do faith, at least on the telephone with someone like me or someone else, but to work through your stuff on a regular basis. And that's my invitation for you because that's a tough one for me to answer without knowing you is all. Look at, we got an amen, we got an amen, we got an amen. KK says, he used headphones and I think it's more respectful when he uses headphones because he doesn't like it and he gets upset. Are you talking about me or him? We got another amen. Men don't want to be chased. By the way, Doug, will you do me a favor? Do you appreciate when a woman makes effort? Listen, we don't like women who are needy, but we absolutely love women who make effort. Effort is not chasing. Needy is, I need you, I need your attention, I need your attention, I need your attention, I need validation, I need validation. That's neediness, that's true. That's neediness, that's chasing. Making effort is not chasing. Please, can we stop this narrative that making effort is chasing? It's not, it's just making, it's, look at Matthew Hussie gave a great example. You invest and then you test. You make an investment and see if he meets you. That's not chasing, that's making an investment. I'm sorry I'm yelling on this one, but that one bothers me every time I hear it. Come back to your cheese, Jonathan. Okay. All right, any other questions? I'm just gonna read the chat box now here. Meet at the 50 yard line, Lisa says, exactly. Does anyone agree with me? Investing and making effort is not chasing. Can someone post a comment on your thoughts? Is making effort invest in chasing or is being needy chasing? Can someone post a comment on that? Oh, here, let's see what KK. Effort should be both ways. I started working and started working as well. Long distance, yes, effort, effort, effort. Two people making effort. Look at, Hannah says I agree, Norris says I agree. Someone says that needs to be a t-shirt. Exactly, I agree. Shelly writes, what does it take for a long distance to work four hours away? All right, long distance relationship question. Bum, bum, bum. All right, great question. I have to go to the bathroom soon. Question, what does it take for a long distance relationship to work four hours away? Okay, first off, for it to work, ultimately you need a plan of how to go from long distance to short distance. That's the only way it's ever going to work is to have a plan. The hard part is the getting, remember I said courting and dating earlier? First off, no one wants to make major changes in their life unless they know you're the one and you're not gonna make changes in your life unless you know he's the one and he's not gonna make changes in his life to know he's the one. I oftentimes wonder, this is just a judgment. What I'm about to say is do people choose long distance relationships because they're desperate. You meet someone you feel a connection with but you're not, and it's long distance in the desperate part from my perspective, I wonder. I'm not saying you are, it's just a wonder. Is that are you holding hope for something that's incompatible? So you have to vet for emotional, excuse me, you have to vet for shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and then find out all, that's why I teach this in my private coaching, link below, asking the right questions to determine true compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Then you come up with a plan but I wouldn't invest more than three months in a long distance relationship without coming up with a game plan of how we're gonna take long distance to short distance. That's just my perception. Every human being is different. You've gotta do what's right for you, Shelley but that's my perception on it, no more than three months and then what's the game plan of taking distance to closer together. Now a lot of people say three months, you barely know someone. Well, you know what fucking sucks is spending three years with someone and they never have an intention of moving or they have never intention of really going, by the way, the beauty of long distance relationship, you have a built in exit clause. Oh my God, ladies, I can't tell you how many men say this and women. You know what, I just can't do this long distance. I just can't do this long distance. I just can't do this long distance. I can't do this long distance. Men will chase sex. Fucking men will travel 3,000 miles to get laid. Men will do that, we will. I've done it, I'll own it. When I was unconscious 10 years ago or 15 years ago after my divorce, I flew to New York to meet someone. We had sex, I never saw her again. Guys will do that. So you better cut to the quick. If you're doing long distance, then you better learn to cut to the quick because the worst thing to do is invest time with someone who's not serious. And you wanna prove, if you wanna test someone's seriousness, see how willing they are to talk about going from here to here. That's my invitation for you. Shelly, I hope that helped. Thank you so much. You know what, folks? Wait, let's go here, bum, bum, bum. Wow, lots of comments. Let me read some of these comments. Lucinda writes, Jonathan, absolutely investing is not chasing. Actually, it's a sign of maturity, bum, bum, bum. Exactly, a sign of maturity. Thank you so much. Well said, Ms. Schmidt. Look at Doug, my man. Jonathan, yes, absolutely investing is not chasing. It's effort, that's all. Investing is only chasing if there's no balance. Yes, I'm watching. And it's only chasing if the other person isn't meeting you. Then it's chasing. By the way, ladies, read this. I'm gonna say it very slowly. Effort is very, very attractive. Effort is very, very attractive. Effort is very, very attractive. Effort is very, very attractive. We men like women who make effort. One of the reasons why we lose interest in you is because you're doing this much effort because you're sitting back in your feminine energy and leaning back, you're leaning back in your feminine energy. And just because you're waiting for that man to claim you. Guys like Doug and I, we want women who treat the relationship like a two-lane street. You are more than welcome to date the men who are controlling obsessive, misogynistic, that seek patriarchal relationships. And that's okay. You guys can date that, but most of the time you're miserably unhappy with those men. Alpha male men who are controlling misogynistic and patriarchal are not the fun men to date. You wanna date the emotionally mature men that are seeking women who treat the relationship like a two-lane street. Ba dum bum. Kimberly says, I hope your back feels better. I do too, it's been 10 days. This has never gone this long. Need a good stretch. Anyways, thank you. You know what folks? It's getting hot. My lighting has got me hot. I gotta go pee. This is a great conversation. It happens to be Memorial Day and I went out and was shopping for a car today. I'm looking at the new four series BMW convertible. I already have a four series BMW convertible, but the new one is so fucking awesome. I can't wait. As a matter of fact, I bought it today. Picking it up tomorrow. And so I had a great time at the beach earlier today. I got to see my son. I'm gonna go for a walk along the beach right now. If you saw the video I posted yesterday, I'm very blessed to live at the four seasons or it's like a four seasons. So I hope you're having a lot of fun on this. I hope you had fun listening to me on this Memorial Day. I hope you found value on the three reasons why men give to break up. I hope you found value in our conversation about dating versus courting. And I hope you found value in all the questions that I answered. I did my best to come sincere and from the heart. Folks, I can tell you sometimes I generalize. Sometimes I'm judgmental. Sometimes I'm righteous. And sometimes I'm full of it. I'm gonna own all that. I'm a little arrogant. But I want you to all know this. I care about your wellbeing. I want you all to love on yourselves because ultimately it doesn't matter what I say. What matters most is what you say about yourself. And my invitation for you all is to love on yourself in such a way that all this bullshit rhetoric about dating, mating or relating doesn't matter because you'll follow your heart. And when you follow your true North Star, your inner voice, your inner spirit, it'll guide you to exactly what you need in life to bring you the most amount of joy. So thank you so much for allowing me into your homes tonight or today or your phones today. And I wanna say goodbye and wish you all a fantastic week ahead. Thanks a bunch. Oh, and before I take off, I'm first off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic shot at the bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. I'm gonna read the chats here while we're saying goodbye. Thank you. Thank you. Ah, have a good Jonathan. Thanks for calling me empowered. It made my day. You're very welcome. 6 a.m. where you're at. Thank you, Marina. Effort in relationships plus videos, this is good. Thank you. Oh, I am not the narrator of my book. I actually had a friend narrate my book because I butchered it when I tried. So, let's see. Someone else I saw said Newport Beach. I love the beach. I used to live in Newport. Way to go Beverly. I don't actually like Newport as much as I love my beach. Twin flame relationships would be for another time. We can talk about that another time. Yes, I have some thoughts on that. Long distance relationships are doomed. Most likely they are. Jonathan, when is your birthday? My birthday is August 20th. My birthday is August 1st. Can you believe it? I got number one. Just fits my ego anyway. Linda says it was fun. Wednesday, the next live Wednesday at 4 p.m. Pacific Coast time. Yvonne says great video. Oops, great video. Oops, thank you. Kim says enjoy your new real wheels. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. All right, everyone. Time to wrap up for the night. Big hugs to you. Have a great evening. I love you all and we'll talk to you soon. Bye now.