 So I've been thinking about this title that I shared with you and listen, I want to be frank and candid with you It's a bit click-baity But I mean to say Oftentimes these titles that are written for women to click on them is all centered of what you need to do To change for a man and I get it it's probably frustrating and at the same time I want to be candid with you is that you probably wouldn't have clicked on the video if I wrote just a standard title like Guys are not going to do whatever you want them to do. Okay, so I wanted to lean into this conversation about What really makes a man feel like I hope I don't lose this person and I'll be candid with you much of this content is based Partly on my own relationship and there's a picture of me and my beloved right there But at the same time, I believe that what I'm about to share is centered around human behavior for those that have a Healthy love attachment style for those that have healthy emotional maturity for those that have relatively good relationship skills And yet the reality is is it then the dating mating or relating realm it is rather messed up when it comes to um Meeting your soulmate meeting that person that you click with that you vibe with and I recognize the frustration with that because We are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. That's right We're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality Primarily when it comes to emotional maturity and particularly in Relationship skills and what I mean by relationship skills those skills that help two people navigate the challenges in life Outside of the attraction piece are are are For thousands of years well for millennia I should say that is mil thousands of years is millennia for hundreds of thousands of years Most mating practice has been based on physical attraction that attraction between two people that we feel like we click with this person We call this chemistry and when we feel that sense of chemistry We get this sense that this person is the right person for us This person is my soulmate when we feel that initial stage of chemistry Now if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg chart and I apologize for the glare I want to show this with you above the water line is attraction. I was just talking about chemistry at the same time What really makes a relationship work is what's below the water line its Compatibility it's shared values blendable lifestyle and I was just sharing with you emotional maturity And without that level of emotional maturity We could be Experiencing one Relationship after another and listen I get it. It's frustrating. There are men and women out there that are self centric There are men and women out there that are either Anxious love attachers or avoidant love attachers and I'll talk about that more in a moment There's the malignant narcissist. There's the covert incest people are experiencing relationship I mean the list goes on and on of the dysfunctionality of human beings. I Think it's really important to understand that because when we approach the dating process with an Expectation that this person that we might be meeting has the capacity to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship We might be setting up ourselves for failure now I don't mean to be a pessimist either because I I I do believe most human beings are good people Deep down they're good people for the most part. I think there's very few people that are genuinely evil At the same time, I do believe we have a significant Population of men and women alike that are rather dysfunctional and makes it hard to build the deep roots of trust Folks, I want you to think about this for a moment our current dating practice is For the most part here in the United States if you haven't if a guy hasn't had sex with you by the third or fourth date He's probably out the door Out the door isn't that sad that that would happen that a person would leave if they haven't had physical Intimacy with you and yet the same time they haven't demonstrated any level of trust in the relationship Maybe they paid for a few dates Maybe they shared their backstory with you But what trust has been built in the early stages and when I think of trust I think of can I count on this person to be there for me? Not just during the good times. Can I count on this person to be there for the bad times? Can I count on this person? To be genuinely loyal to me When it comes to fidelity, can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? trust as Many of you know is not given away per se. It's earned over time And it's sad because if it's not built if you haven't built the deep roots of trust It makes it very difficult to lean into as I always talk about a juicy delicious healthy happy relationship So what makes a relationship thrive what makes a relationship go deeper than the surface? I want you to think about this for a moment because I know many of you are stuck on the Romantic notion of relationships that a man should just be chivalrous and you can just lean back in your feminine energy And you don't have to do anything and it's just going to magically work out And yet I'm a big proponent of recognizing that the dating process is like a two lane street two cars traveling at the same speed together of effort and investment effort and investment if you're not familiar with the book I Grab it over here if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated what I love about this book is it throws out The traditional gender rhetoric of what should happen and it focuses more on the heart-centered way a relationship could be built heart-centered way Isn't that really what it's all about what makes a man go? I hope I don't lose her It's he's connected with her heart He's connected with her heart And I know many of you and by the way, I Recognize the frustration many of you are experiencing because you do give your heart to a man And yet oftentimes you also give your power away to a man In other words, you're afraid to establish your standard You're afraid to establish your boundaries because they're a minute There's mutual attraction between two people you're pretzeling yourself to try to make the relationship work Now I think this happens because traditionally throughout time Women have been dependent upon men for their survival. So on some level I think we've been conditioned to have this one-up one-down dynamic where women might be the gatekeepers of the sexual piece And men are the gatekeepers of the commitment piece Isn't that sad? Now, that's not always the case, but this is genuinely the case This is why I continually see women afraid to speak their truth in relationship They're afraid to speak up for fear that a man might leave them Folks if you're not familiar with my book and by the way all the books I recommend are In the description below you can check out Jonathan recommend books my first chapter is speak your truth Do it with kindness but later on the book and this isn't a dating a relationship book later on the book I say if It's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. I'm talking when you genuinely talk from your heart You know real bonding happens when we're vulnerable when we're authentic when we're transparent when two people are capable of doing that and Yet sadly the deepest wound wound Most people are suffering from is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable Think about that. The average person's wound is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable This is true of men and women alike This is why I'm a big proponent of doing personal development work self-help spiritual work therapy Therapy to dig deep as to what might be causing our Inability to lean into a relationship to and by the way, this is true of men and women alike I know many of you are going well Jonathan we women do all the work. What about the men? Listen, I went to a personal development workshop called the Hoffman process. I want to share this with you For a second. Here's a copy of the book. I went to the live retreat a Hoffman process. Do you know there was 39 people there? 20 of them were men and 19 were women Over half were men Men do personal development work men do men may not go to you know, it's interesting You know men go to therapy just like women go to therapy I just want you know that they do go maybe just do women go at a greater percentage I don't know the stats on that But I do know men and women alike are thirsty for that capacity to share their fears to share their anxieties to share their insecurities and yet we men have been so conditioned that if we share these We are perceived as weak We can't show weakness Women can been conditioned in a different way. Sadly women have been conditioned that their whole value is based on looks Isn't that sad and it's perpetuated by Magazines Cosmo all the you know the the advertising we see Women are objectified based on looks men cannot be vulnerable authentic and transparent because that demonstrates weakness that demonstrates our inability to protect you Not every guy can can protect you physically most men have never had a fight in their life So if some real real mugger or someone with a gun we are most likely gonna fail So it has nothing to do with our height our capacity to protect you I know many of you feel greater protection when you're with someone that of height, but that's a fallacy At least here in the United States unless someone has had physical training to protect you Most of us will fail under a real crisis situation I'm just expressing the way I see the reality of the world. I'm not saying any of this is right I'm here to just draw attention that the real journey of life and I come back to this title Isn't about whether or not the things you need to do to make a man attracted to you these things aren't Necessarily anything you should do. It's what two people should do together to build attraction But I don't like the way my collar looks here Okay But both people should do to develop this attraction to to make it feel like you don't want to lose each other So let me dive into my notes here and I'll share with you what I've written here. By the way, there you go They do want to clean my glasses though for a second and these five things I think are more designed for the healthier Person that person that has good emotional maturity good relationship skills doesn't have to be the perfect person in the world But they have good skills in these area and the first skill is conflict resolution skills You know Men and women alike feel frustrated When they're in a relationship with someone where your budding heads when there's a difference of opinion your budding heads You're you're more apt to say I'd rather be right than happy One of the things I appreciate about the relationship. I'm in is when we had a few bumps in the road We both listen to what each other says We acknowledge what each other says and then we validate that that's true for their perspective In other words, we don't make the other person out to be wrong. Those are skills For a good conflict resolution skills and what I mean to say is be able to navigate conflicts With a bit more ease if you're not familiar with the book Where is it? Ah I wonder if I well, here's a here's a book. I want to recommend if you're not familiar with the book Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I'd highly recommend checking this out It helps to teach you how to improve your communication skills in relationship I recommend if you're in a relationship with someone you both should be reading this you should both Be actually engaging in this listen folks This penis gets to go regularly inside your vagina Then I'm here to encourage that you begin a practice of personal development Self-help spiritual work therapy in your relationship counseling if you will in your relationship right from the very beginning Not necessarily on the first date, but once you have regular intimacy with each other But Jonathan, I'm in a long-distance relationship. I can't do that folks long-distance Relationships are incredibly problematic because when I talked about trust earlier It takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of top trust It takes 200 hours of face-to-face time to build the second layer of trust It takes 300 hours of face-to-face time to build the third layer of trust It takes 400 face-to-face hours together to build the fourth and the fifth and the sixth. Can you do you get this? Relationships built over the telephone and face time are very weak are built on a very weak foundation True love is built through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends and integration of your life together when I mean by true love what I mean is the true attachment and bonding unhealthy people can attach over the telephone I Witnessed this so many times women come to me and say Jonathan. I've been in this relationship with the guy We have never met but he's so so attached to me Yeah, it's an unhealthy attachment or an infatuation or maybe some Precursor the loss that's happening over the phone and not a real building I'm saying it takes face-to-face time to build the deep roots of trust And more importantly the capacity for both of you to navigate Those difference in relationships with good conflict resolution skills number two Intimate time both physical and emotional intimate time Listen, I recognize ladies a lot of the men you're with are just what one of those what I call pump-and-dump types You know, they basically have sex with you so they can ejaculate inside of you Okay, and those men are very selfish lovers I get it and you might with some of those men you might actually Experience an orgasm. I don't know but for the most part if he's a selfish lover, it's rare that you're gonna experience real Connection with them because ultimately it's not just the physical intimacy we men crave. It's the emotional intimacy It's that intimacy that we we can feel safe. We can feel vulnerable with you We do feel that sense of trust. That's Emotional intimacy and if you're not familiar with the book Emotional intimacy by Robert Masters. I highly recommend checking this book out Because if you don't understand the mechanics to building emotional intimacy then many of you are just winging it You're winging it. You're winging it. You're just kind of hoping that magic fairy dust is gonna make things work out Now some people just like the broken clock that's right twice a day Some people do get that do experience emotional intimacy the others if they haven't learned what emotional intimacy is They rarely are going to find themselves in experience of in the experience of emotional intimacy So again, this makes them feel like I know what a loser when we're getting all this next is shared duties Remember I talked earlier about two cars traveling at the same speed Shared duties in your life acting like your teammates with one another You know with my mom and dad it was my dad was the provider my mom was the homemaker But shared duties just like if you're if you're hosting Thanksgiving dinner that recently happened You know in my world Experience that we took turns in preparing for this relate couples that actually operate as teammates with one another Not the expecting the one Listen, I think it's unfair that men expect things from you and not do it in return But I also believe it's the same with women when you expect things from men and not willing to reciprocate in that same level and when you act as teammates However that looks for the two of you You start to build those deep roots of trust I talked about earlier number five play Do you know how few folks actually I witnessed relationships and there's very look very few couples I That write me complaining about their relationship play and flirting is missing from the relationship Couples should be constantly playing with one another their little kids should come out I don't mean playing blocks or dolls or things like that or Or video games. I'm talking about your little kid coming out and playing with one another That place that feels safe and flirtation is one of those aspects of play I believe that those couples that continually flirt with one another in a cute playful way Are the ones the men that go and women go I don't want to lose this person and last but not least I mentioned this before is integration of your lives When you can integrate with family friends social activities hobbies mutual interests Those when you can integrate your life together your your work like You're building the deep roots of attachment to a person And I mean healthy attachment to a person and not the unhealthy attachment most people are experiencing today and Sadly, many of you are in unhealthy Relationships you're attached to a person that's unhealthy and you're not standing in your power This is why I continually recommend the book ladies if you haven't read this and I don't agree with everything in this book But this book excuse me the wrong one Where is it? Why men love bitches and bitch stands for babe in total control of herself? Yes, when you're in your power when you're standing in your power You become incredibly attractive to another human being who is also in their power Men do not like doormats healthy listen controlling men love doormats Can you know alpha males who are controlling per first submissive women? I'm here to encourage you to stand in your power because listen as much as you'd like to meant have men be the leaders of Relationship I'm here to say you are in charge of your relationship destiny You are in charge of your choices Look, I wish I could be there for you as your big brother on a first date with a shotgun pointed that the guy's head saying what's your intentions? See accountability for one's actions Go basically Not unnoticed Accountable there's a very little accountability today. So you have to be in charge of your life Setting your standards setting your boundaries And whatever that looks like for you folks my standard for a relationship look like this I wanted to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that led to either moving in together getting married. Well, that's what happened in my relationship in six months We were intentional Listen don't expect men to be intentional you should be intentional with your life and then find men who match you Send out that energy That you know your standard and you won't accept anything less than a person that meets you Not exactly meets you in the perfect box because that doesn't exist But at least is meeting you and saying I want to build something with you because without it It's going to be difficult To have that kind of a relationship where you feel like I don't want to lose this person Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Alright, I think this would be a great place to start with our Q&A For those who are familiar with my format if you have a question for me Write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase a super stick or super chat All of the month and there's a little dollar sign the chat box all the monies From the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley That's him right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away four years ago Four and a half years ago now and in his honor. I've started a scholarship fund so if you're watching the replay you can purchase his super thanks and I appreciate those that donate and all the monies go to charities like the Hoffman Prott not charities non-profit groups personal development groups like Hoffman process and inside seminars just to name a few and I noticed someone did Generously donate earlier. Let me go here and say Deborah. Thank you so much for the $5 super sticker. I really appreciate it All right, let's see what questions we have Let's see Elena no, I haven't received it yet. I'm going to get my mail soon All right, let's see what we have here. I saw a question earlier for those okay Jade wrote question What are the layers of trust e.g? What is the first layer of trust after a hundred hours of face to face time second layer after 200 hours? So as I said before Trust is really can I have we built loyalty with each other? Have we built the Emotional connection where you say the other person's feelings Matter as much to me as my own You know oftentimes we we think about not hurting someone's feelings. Okay? By telling them the truth, right that oftentimes that's why men goes that's why men just disappear But that's not really in the other person's best interest Just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings doesn't this but really if you go disappear Pull away ask for space That creates even harsher feelings on the other person. So trust Ultimately is that agree is basically that space between you where you can be vulnerable You can be authentic and you can be transparent with one another that even through the tough times You're saying I want to at least make effort to work this out and the reason why it takes time to build this loyalty and trust From a healthy perspective is because most everybody's establishing relationships that are there they're not actually Investing in those things I talked about social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Traveling together intimacy both to in teamwork and intimacy and it takes time to build those roots together That's why the closer to people live together the greater chance of relationship success and I only harp on long-distance relationship because because of these devices Many people are spending more listen. I want you to think about this Before answering machines before pagers Listen, you could only date someone who lived in your circle and you would call them and meet them now We can connect with people all over the world and have a cyber Relationship not a real relationship a cyber relationship and that's one of the newer site casual cyber Relationships make up probably a third or more of the relationships out there for those who are single these days That's just my perception anyway. So anyways the time is the more You invest in each other mutually the greater chance for relationship success Okay All right, let's see what we've got here Cynthia says I agree teammates teammates intentional exactly All right, here we go VR has a question I Have a man in my life that truly and deeply loves me, but I'm no longer physically attracted to him I'm remaining open, but I don't know what else to do any suggestions You know people, you know, here's the tricky part What if it was a man who said the same thing, you know my my wife who I've been married to for 20 years I love her deeply. She loves me deeply, but she's overweight. I'm just picking on that How would you want a man to respond? Then the question is are you repulsed by them physically is it that their physical appearance has changed or is there something when you talk about attraction You know my girlfriend jokes with me She was she saw that the the 40 year old version of me, you know, and I do the same we joke with each other We've aged we have wrinkles. We're not as thin as we used to be. We're not as taught as we used to be We're attracted to each other's souls at the same time So if you're not physically attracted to him, are you still attracted to a soul? That's a that would be a question. I have for you Has he changed in some way Because true love doesn't reside in the things that you like true love resides in the things you don't like That's where real love resides and when I say when you can really You know the question really becomes what is unconditional love in a relationship? Does that exist where it doesn't matter what they look like? Do you care for the person's soul? These are just questions. I have I Just invite you to look deep down and ask are you attracted to this person's soul? Or is it and if it's and if it's a physical thing and you don't want to have physical intimacy with them Maybe you guys should do I don't know I Don't I I'm only gonna suggest this not I'm gonna say maybe you should try Swinging or something like that. I'm very reluctant to share that But I think you should have a conversation with each other Because this is important to him too because people listen don't you want to feel attract? Don't you want your partner to feel attracted to you and if he didn't wouldn't you want to know about that? Let's throw out the swinging thing. Okay But anyway, that's my suggestion be curious and be open as to why All right, great question VR. Thank you. Ah Let's go swim and Leslie writes question Trust has been so hard for me. How do I let go of my past issues and fully trust the man? I'm in love with now and not sabotage our relationship. I would see counseling. I would seek therapy I would do a deep dive into where that Trust where was trust lost for you? Was it in your childhood? It's something happened dramatically in your childhood wasn't an adult experience that caused you to lose trust Also trust in yourself. I would do a deep dive into therapy to find out where the root of that is heal that pain and Then allow yourself to be open and receptive to the person who loves you because sabotaging a relationship that's not fun and Also invite him into the conversation It's no fun to be with somebody who's gonna try to step to sabotage the relationship That's not the kind of relationship that builds that it's by being open and honest Can you actually work on it? Maybe do couples therapy together? That would be my suggestion anyway great great question Leslie. Thank you Naida says question When I ask someone I like if he's seeing and meeting and dating someone why I don't get the ants why I don't get the Answer from them. I asked twice So I think what you're asking is Why okay, so in the earth, I'm gonna just make an assumption here in the early stage of dating These days most people are doing what's called duty dating or circular dating. They're dating multiple people at the same time I'm not a big proponent of dating multiple people at the same time Especially if the penis gets to go inside the vagina on a regular basis so and if they're deceptive It's because you guys haven't established that you're in what I believe is in a monogamous exclusive relationship. Oh I forgot to bring my Dating vows. Where's my dating vows? If in the description below is a copy of my dating vows I'm gonna try to pull it up on one of my videos here. Okay. I forgot to bring my sheet That's not like me. So let me bring it up from one of my videos um Okay, the dating vows go like this Okay, by the way, these are in the bottom of my in the description notes Have you ever heard the saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? The dating vow is the following where you both mutually say this to one another. I Agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within three to six months I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process Including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up front if this isn't working for me versus ghosting Pulling away or disappearing I agree to invest regular time together in the process of getting to know you which looks like spending three or four days Nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends together intimacy both physical emotional intimacy travel that and That leads either us moving in together getting married now 90 percent of guys will most likely bail on this That's because there's this perceived There's this perception that we can just swipe and someone else will just come into our lives But if he genuinely cares about you because that's really what this is about Do you genuinely care about each other? I think if you're going to have regular sex there should be genuine care for one another And if it's not then you're both equally entitled to do whatever you want and date multiple people at the same time That's my perception anyway. All right. Great question. Thank you so much All right Let's keep swimming And again, if you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter My question is he is not working for me. He's thinking what it is He is not working for me. He is thinking what is best for him and what is best for me But he's not thinking and not caring. What is best for us? Why is that? You know folks Most people these days. Okay. I want to share with you two things There's three types of people actively dating today Okay, I want you to look at this There's the users the spenders and the growers and builders Now the users are those seek short-term game love bombers players gold diggers Entitled people selfish people who are only caring about their needs The spenders these want to spend time with you. They seek connection companionship Coupling sex no direction uncertainty fearful Usually have a dysfunctional life and the builders they seek a long-term commitment They're emotionally grown up good relationship skills. They have their act together The the builders are intentional about building something with you Most 60 of the population are spenders along with the 20 of the users So you have to ask yourself is this person a builder does this person Really want to build something with me deep by the way One of the things I do in my private coaching By the way, there's a link right there to get a schedule of free discovery call with me My whole coaching program is all designed to teach you what questions to ask someone Based on your personality to determine. Are you compatible with one another and most importantly? I teach you the skills to vet for his emotional maturity You have to be your own matchmaker If you want to have any relationship success So again coming back to your question Why is he doing this? He's most likely a spender is why they might be a user as well All right, thank you so much for your question Candy, I know I said swinging I don't know sometimes that helps by the way from what I understand I know I said it begrudgingly but from what I understand for some couples this helps Helps with mutual attraction. I'm not saying it's right I'm just saying it's something to consider Um, Linda says when I lose respect for someone it's over sadly The sad part is when we're attached to someone it's difficult to say it's over When we lose respect for someone yet. I understand how you feel there. So thanks for sharing that rose writes question Why would a man tell you that he truly cares for you and says he has deep connection with you then vote a few months later? He ghosted you Great question So rose if you're not familiar with the word lust or limerence I highly recommend googling both those words lust is that physical attraction to want to have sex with you And men will say listen when I'm hyped up on lust. I have said anything to get a woman in bed Oh my god, you're the most amazing person. I've never met. Oh my god. I've never met a person like you Oh my god. I can see us getting married sometimes. You're you're just so amazing a lot of guys will say this in the early stages Okay Limerence is extreme infatuation What was I watching it was one of those uh Romantic comedies where the guy was just completely, you know with some young, you know, not an american pie type of thing But where the guy was just completely infatuated with somebody barely new So we can say that for a few months. What happened is once the real Building blocks of a relationship comes from actually physically spending time with one another And what's mostly not happened Is you haven't built the deep friendship with one another Folks, I think what makes my relationship what I'm appreciating most is My partner has become my best friend She's become my best friend. I mean, we are friends with each other one of the things I think we appreciate about each other is that we genuinely like each other We genuinely like each other. So I suspect that just didn't happen in your relationship and that's not a guarantee That it's gonna happen just because someone has attraction for you. So rose. I'm sending you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug All right, melanie right um Question hey I'm in a relationship of eight months and I do not want to lose it My issue is I have limited abilities and depends depends on the day. So I've been disabled. What do I do when resentment fills What is resentment but God, that's a tough one. You know, I I'm I'm a big proponent of Where can we find the love in a situation? Where can we find the love? You know between two people Where does unconditional love lie? How does that happen? and I want to say You know being disabled Is difficult. I understand that to have a disability whether they have a disability or you have a disability How do two people find their way together? To that unconditional place where we look beyond it I think when it's it's kind of like what I talked about in this broadcast, you know Have you built that deep friendship with one another? Where you where you think I hope I don't lose this person no matter what they go through That takes A conscious effort to happen and a lot of you are in relationships with spenders. You're just spending time with one another Deep love is built through these roots of trust that I talk about if you're not familiar with the book How to make love all the time by barba de angeles I love this book because it it talks about the building blocks to build that type of unconditional love I can't give you the answers all these beautiful answers are in the many books. I recommend by the way There's a link below to all the books. I do recommend So that would be my invitation for you for right now melanie and i'm sending you a big hug Um Barbara says that wasn't the response I expected. I know I said the swinger thing. I just I don't know I was just having a brain fart in that moment All right, and I agree swinging it might for some people might be disgusting. All right Uh, let's see kim says jothin has good tips on building before you go exclusive friends first I'm in agreement with that. Okay. If you have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter um Neda says i'm still learning and not yet ready for your book and other books you highly recommend Oh, you're not done reading them go for it. I hope you do read them jennifer does have a question Long-term relationship and I got scared and became needy when he didn't give me attention for last year It was a long distance and he was so busy in his work. He gave up on us. What do I do? These are difficult questions when you're dealing with long distance Because it's natural to feel listen I think Constant You know, it's interesting. I'm living with my partner right now So we see each other every day. We're practically 24 seven because I work from home and she's retired So there's a built So we have built trust with each other Because we've been together a lot It's hard. Listen When you think of some of the most successful relationships, it's because they spend a significant amount of time together So they don't feel the fear When there is space You know, there's this belief that space creates that that mystery and missing someone I'm like space all that does for a lot of people can create anxiety So it's difficult on these circumstances to and how do you build at long distance? Listen When we by the way, we were a long distance relation. There was 1800 miles that was between us By our third time together. We are our third Visit with each other. We agreed that if this was going to work She'd have to want, you know, we'd have to either be physically in the same proximity or we'd have to live together Now that's a risk. Listen, it's a risk to live together But we also laid our cards on the table. We practice radical honesty We practice radical honesty with one another and we laid our cards on the table. We said, okay for this to work We're going to have to live together That was how we made it work If you don't have a plan to take the distance and bring it closer together It's going to be problematic most likely. It's hard enough to make a relationship work when you live 10 miles from one another And it's 10 times more problematic when you're 1800 miles or even 300 miles. So without a plan That is a common experience Of it not working out and i'm sorry about that He didn't most likely build the deep roots of trust to make it So he didn't want to lose you and vice versa. Okay. Thank you for your question by jennifer and thank you for the thank you I appreciate that Lisa says question, but is it possible for a spender to become a builder? Great question. Let's come back to the three types of people actively dating Okay Spenders can either go to become users which does happen or they can become growers and builders. Okay Here's how they become growers and builders when you set your standards When you intentionally do the dating vows with one another It will weed out the spenders quite quickly. Okay now At least in the early stages, how does a builder how does a spender turn into a builder? When you are crystal clear that moving in together or some level of partnership Is the only way you'll move forward in the relationship if you're not familiar with the book eight dates And I talk about this frequently before the penis goes inside the vagina read this and read this together If he's a spender then read it together right now Because I'd rather you cut your losses sooner rather than later If he's never going to turn into a fully committed person. I'd highly recommend reading this book All right. Good luck with you. Sweetheart big hugs to you Thank you leslie Catherine says best friends is awesome. It did happen for me with my late husband. I'm glad it's happening for you Thank you Catherine. I appreciate that Resentment is another word for unforgiveness. You know, I was I was when I I was thinking that resentment is Not unnecessary pain on yourself forgiveness is really to relieve you of the burden of the pain So I am thank you lisa. I appreciate that jay writes question Been with my guy five months all things you say we have been doing. I'm scared. I'm some somehow a spender I believe I'm with a builder. He's amazing. Can I make myself into a builder? intentional conversations about the future intentional conversations is how you shift Not passive conversations. And by the way folks, we should be cutting our losses if We're not capable of a deeper love for someone that or commitment Then maybe we should be smart if let me ask it to you this way If you care about his feelings, then you should be open and honest as where you're at And if you're going to make this relationship work, then you should have a plan talk to a counselor Meet with a therapist have conversations with a professional in the room Because it's going to be listen you can wish listen the pink elephant Swiping an end of the rug all that does is create resentments later Be proactive. Don't be passive is my invitation for you Thanks jay. I appreciate that ah Let's see jennifer writes He doesn't show me his feelings. He used to show it but I don't but I didn't know how to react how to Make men show his feelings when you are really close. Why don't they show their feelings men? Men have been taught to repress their feelings We have been conditioned to repress our feelings Remember I started in the beginning of this broadcast. We are conditioned to repress our feelings That's why I recommend reading the books. I recommend to create that emotional intimacy between you two I would read the book Here's a great book to read to shift the narrative I hear you the surprisingly simple skills to extraordinary relationships by michael sorenson. I highly recommend reading that book to change your narrative. So thank you jennifer All right, I just want to give props to barbara. Thank you for the nine dollar nine nine cent super sticker the connor asley fund appreciates you All right Jade writes question How do I present an as how to present an intentional man? Asking him about monogamy without coming across as pushy needy controlling. What is a healthy way to express intentionality? Great question. I love this So before your penis gets to go inside my vagina. Here are my rules Now what I mean to say is you establish your standards. Let me be candid with you I don't know if you're like me But i'm seeking a relationship where we spend actively three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests spending Spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills Both in our personal and our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to us either moving in together Or getting married at some point My hope is that in a relationship by the third to six month mark We are intentional and serious about this. So that's my standard. What is your standard in a relationship? Oh my god, I'm just not looking for anything serious. I just want something casual Okay, I understand that You know, you realize it takes time to get to know someone so Maybe we should hold off the sex piece or maybe you should go find someone That fits the narrative you're looking for. This is my standard and I won't compromise myself on it Set your boundaries That's my invitation for you All right, thank you jade for that question question My ester perils book helped Vr with her question about no longer being physically attracted man. I feel I like I saw something at somewhere okay Where is mating in captivity? Where's my book mating in captivity? Great book You know, I think this is a good book From the perspective of talking about erotic connection You know, I'm not an expert on attraction. That's not my area of expertise My area of expertise is to wake you folks up to reading and learning and growing So I do recommend this book The subtitle can we desire what we already have does good intimacy always make for hot sex? Definitely good recommendation list. Thank you for suggesting it. So to vr. That would be a good recommendation as well So throw out my stupid swingers thing All right, let's keep swimming Ah, all right True rights question My boyfriend has issues with a disconnected relationship with his mom at a young age had to live with this father at age 14 And now as an adult has gotten too close to her And there's the follow-up Um now that he has partially moved to another state with me He is feeling like he's losing her again people move away from their parents all the time How can I be him? How can I be the main woman? Oh, you know, this is a tough one because Listen, we all need my and my recommendation is we all heal Our childhood wounds and the traumas and adult traumas that cause us not to be able to lean into love with someone So I definitely come back to this book that I recommend Well, I recommend first Reading the book getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt Why do I recommend reading this book is to understand what's known as the amago? I am a go. This is where we tend to choose people that are Try similar to one or both of our parents and we want to heal that relationship So understanding this but I said earlier about the childhood wounds and traumas coming back to the Hoffman process He's got to do the work for him to be able to actually lean into a relationship with you You know the challenge with most men and women is they haven't done the personal development self-help and spiritual work that allows them to lean into a healthy happy relationship The reality is is most people have terrible relationship skills And emotional maturity if you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity and relationship skills This is not a fact. It's merely an opinion Most everybody has clinic or 20 have clinical issues And while I say 20 of the population is healthy or at least good relationship skills, most everyone is dysfunctional This is why 80 of the population or more needs deep work, whether it's therapy personal development self-help and spiritual work Because it's going to be difficult if you and also it helps you build the skills To be able to lean into a relationship. So these are the tough ones and I get it That's hard, but he's got to do the work on his part For him to be able to lean into a relationship with you Thank you true for that question Cynthia writes Living and loving out loud is the true piece in a relationship privacy versus secrecy Is he being private or secret when not fake friends on facebook? You know, I I can't stand this bullshit Someone listen if this penis gets to go inside your vagina, you have every right to be able to be friends on social media So maybe prior to that But certainly I think getting Listen our social media footprint gives us insight into a person if we know how to read what What it says about a person. So I think you have every right to want that. Is it secrecy? Yeah Maybe he has a deep wound that happened in the past Most likely that's it And it's secrecy most likely. Thank you for that question. I really appreciate it Mary Ann writes question Do you think it takes courage to be in your empowerment? I wanted to thank you because live listening to your videos has caused me to reach out to somebody and it was well received Do you think it takes courage? Absolutely. It takes it takes Being vulnerable being authentic being transparent is a very brave thing to do You know, uh, what does Brene Brown say? Um Oh god, it just escapes me right now. She says vulnerability is the true act of courage And I believe vulnerability is the essence of empowerment when we can express ourselves And knowing that no matter what happens. I'm gonna be okay That takes courage because most people are fearful of speaking their truth So, yes, I do believe that. Thank you so much All right Ah, let's see Let's see. Let's go swim in All right, we don't have any questions right now I need some questions on the board or you can purchase a super sticker super chat All of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor I was like, by the way, my mug today says I don't want to work anymore. I just want to be put up on a pedestal taken care of Put up on a pedestal and taken care of All right, Melanie writes question um I'm almost an empty nester, but we cannot move in together for a year We've said that this but I feel he's losing trust if I have plans change. He starts to question trust How do I respond? listen One of the fundamentals understanding when you are in a relationship with a person that has children That each person needs to recognize that there are going to be times plans change Now if there's a pattern of it Then I think there needs to be a discussion To how to resolve things or at least make agreements with one another So he doesn't feel like he or she doesn't feel like they're being used by the other person So I would have conversations But if you're constantly placating to your children that could be problematic as well But I think deep open conversation is what's going to help All right. Thank you so much for that uh Jade says I appreciate all your book recommendations guidance jonathan. Thank you for everything you've been doing for us You're my big great big brother. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it Ah, it's corny cob with her personal questions for me So if you have a question for me personally write the word personal question and then ask it to me I'll spend the last few minutes answering personal questions How often do you give dating relationship advice to people in your life? Um like all day long Practically every minute of the day I do it. So thank you so much for that question. I appreciate it um Have same jobs with your partner is good or bad I think it can be really good for people that are well suited for one another and it can be bad for people who are not well suited for one another So, you know, it's a flip of a coin I I I think if my girlfriend started to shoot videos with me Which I'm hoping she does and she invests in my business. I think I'd be very grateful for that So thank you for that question. I appreciate it another personal question Jennifer writes Do you and your partner have wait Did you and your partner ever? Did you and your partner have you ever broke up? No, we have not broken up. We live together. That would be kind of complicated So no, we have not had a situation where we've broken up. In fact, our relationship continually seems to get more and more You know, one of the things we do together is each month we devote to our personal development in our relationship we do We either do a workshop with a group of people or we do our own workshop where we actually We call it camping where we literally make time for the entire day to connect on both intimate level but more importantly on an emotional level which includes really talking about The building blocks to a successful relationship I tend to initiate the conversations because I'm a little bit more school But we we continually talk about some of our differences and how we see the world differently What's most important is we have these regular conversations with one another. We're not we're not Just passive in this relationship. We're active in Co-creating what this relationship looks like which includes planning trips together We plan, you know a holiday together all these things we're doing as teammates with one another We treat each other like teammates. That's what I appreciate most in our relationship. So thank you for that question. I really appreciate All right Leslie writes I hate social media. He wants pictures of us on my face On my he wants pictures of us on my facebook page, but he never puts pictures of us on his He wants people I know to know we're together. Should I be at the same? Look at then make a deal I'll go you go first and I'll go next and we'll take turns Hosting pictures and if he says no, then you say I'm going to say no I'm going to match your energy if you want that Start on your page and then I'll do it and then I'll do it the next time and then you do it And you just take turns I know that's cheesy, but that's what I would recommend Ah Annie says how do you How do you establish a monthly meeting with one? I'm usually the initiator. I'd say, you know, this is the time I want us to camp Um, we started camping very early in our relationship It's more of a spiritual thing that we are involved in so there's a lot of if you're not familiar with tantra and Tantra guided meditations and things like that. I'd recommend that Uh, look into that if I are you and it's not just the sexual piece It's about connecting with your partner in a heart-centered way Start googling things like this folks how to build intimacy with my partner We do this through a minimum of once a month, but we do it constantly in our relationship But I'd like to devote I like to devote an entire day to what I call our love day. I call it it's camping or love day Where we're intentional with one another Thank you for that question. I really appreciate Folks i'm coming up on an hour of being able to play with you This early morning with you. I am so grateful for all your questions I am so grateful for the super stickers super chats. You guys are so wonderful Thank you so much for all the love and support. I just want to remind you that folks Being intentional being your own matchmaker learning how to ask better questions Is a pathway to relationship success Because you can't expect men to know this and yet men who genuinely care about you will take your lead Men who genuinely care about you will take your lead And I think you should start from the very first date establishing your standards So you're both on the same page. That's something I teach in my private coaching If you need help with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach Is right for you as this content resonated with you. Please let me know Please hit that like button. Please share this video with your friends Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new and check out all the links in the description below All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video. First off giving myself a big gigantic jothin bear out of self love I'm going to reach into the camp pit stains. I'm going to reach in the stand of the camera and give you a hug of love I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow There's a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank Stormy and Mari and Annie and Barbara and kim and jade and monica and d washington and Let's see jennifer and sonia and leslie Corny cob everyone. Thank you so much for your love and support wishing you a fabulous day. Bye now