 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharford is music and yours truly Bill Foreman. Today we are living in a scientific age. It's an age of great inventions and those who have the foresight to get in on the ground floor will make fortunes. Tonight Phil gets in on the ground floor of a startling new discovery. But more about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. No matter where you live you can receive all the TV stations in your area with new RCA Victor television. And the reason is this, RCA Victor's automatic 16 channel UHF VHF tuner. RCA pioneered in the development of UHF television and in cooperation with NBC operated the world's first regularly scheduled UHF television station. As a result of this exclusive experience, RCA Victor brings you a tuner proved far more sensitive than many others. And it's automatic. Turn one knob, click, there's your station. So if you have UHF television now or expected in your area, buy a new RCA Victor with the automatic UHF VHF tuner. It's your assurance that if there's a picture in the air you'll get it. You can buy any new RCA Victor television with this wonderful built-in UHF VHF tuner at modest extra cost. Or you can add it later. When and if UHF television reaches your area. 1953 RCA Victor television can be yours for as little as $199.95. The budget low price of the 17 inch table model weighing. See the entire new line of sets at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. And remember every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. For the past month Phil has gone around in the belief that he is the last of the Mohicans. However, last week he found out that the whole thing was a hoax and that Andrew Fasthorse, the man who sold him the idea, was a swindler. This disclosure was too much for Phil and as we look in on the Harris home we find our heartbroken hero has locked himself in his room and refuses to be consoled. Just to think that this whole thing was a hoax and I'm not a Mohican chief. Oh Andrew, you led me to think that I was a big man. Now all I have left to console me are just a few little Indian souvenirs you sold me. My souvenirs. A small birch bark canoe. Some buffalo shorts of blue. A scalp with dandruff too among my souvenirs. A few more tokens rest within my treasure chest. The next line is the best but I can't use it here. Who's there? Phil, please open the door. You can't stay locked in that den forever. You go away and leave me alone. I just want to lie here on my bed of nails and punish myself. Stop. Now look, you haven't had anything to eat or drink for three days and I brought you something. I prepared your favorite meal. I don't care. I don't want... Well, I guess she's right. After three days without nourishment I should have something in my stomach. I'll take it, honey. Good. May I bring it in? No. Just pour it through the keyhole. Throw the olive over the trance. Put this. Open the door. All right. Well, it's about time. Now here's your dinner. Eat it and then come in the other room. My brother, Willie... I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anybody. Everybody knows that I was taken in by this Indian con man and I'm ashamed to face him. They must all think I'm stupid. Oh, Phil, you're just being self-conscious. Everybody realizes it wasn't your fault and nobody thinks you're stupid. Well, Alice, how did you make out with... Well, hiya, Willie. Hello, you big dope. There you see, Alice. I told you. I told you. You even got him. Willie, I won't have you talking that way to Phil. Why not? Because I married to him. But when you married him, you didn't know he was a big jerk. I did too. Well, I mean, he wasn't then. Phil, you're always putting money in a sucker scheme or some business you don't know anything about. From now on, stick to the one thing you're successful at. Showmanship. You have one of the greatest personalities in show business. He has all the personality of a wet cigar butt. All right, now, wait a minute. If there's one thing I've got, it's personality. My scintillating smile has been compared favorably to that of Lawrence Welk. And it's surpassed only by Liberace. You've got to admit that you can't get more scintillating than that. Well, just promise me one thing, that you won't get mixed up with any more of these con men or invest in any get-rich-quick scheme. Honey, I've learned my lesson. I've learned my... I'll get that. I promise you I won't invest a penny in any more get-rich-quick businesses. I found out once... Oh, hello, Elliot. Hey, Curly, how would you like to invest some money in the greatest invention since the two-ounce shot glass? All you have to do is invest $100... Go away, nobody home. But, Curly, all you have to... Get your foot out of the door, bud. Try the other side of the street. Get lost, beat it. I ain't gonna invest nothing with no con men. Con men? Well... Curly, can you remember me ever conning you into any proposition where you lost money? Yes. You remember, huh? Let me put it this way. Name one thing that I steered you wrong on. Okay. How about the time you sold me that box in kangaroo with the glass chin? Hop along did not have a glass chin. Some gamblers got to him and paid him to take a dive. Leave it to you to find a crooked kangaroo. I ain't never for going to get the time you sold me that race horse, the one with the three legs. What a nag. Please, tripod was a sturdy sneaker. I will admit he was a little swayback. A little swayback? His stomach bounced on the ground like a basketball. The jockey had to dribble him around. So I made a couple of little mistakes. After all, I'm only human. Now, look, Curly, this proposition is guaranteed. All you have to do is put up $100... What is that at the door? Oh, hello, Elliot. Hello, Alice. Goodbye, Alice. Now, look, Curly. For a minute monetary consideration, you can become an industrial tycoon. Elliot, stop it. What's the matter? I say something dirty? Now, Elliot's bill is not investing in anything. But all he has to do is invest a few dollars and he can become rich in no time. Now, Phil, don't listen to him. There is no way you can invest a few dollars and get rich quick. That is where you are wrong. And, Curly, you're living proof of it. What do you mean? You invested $2 in a marriage license and became a millionaire overnight. He only invested $1. He made me put up my head. Well, I only had $2 at the time and I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket. Now, Curly, just listen to my proposition. Believe me, it's great. All right, I'll listen. Now, listen. No, please, really, Alice. Curly, what is every movie studio in Hollywood trying to get their hands on right now? The guy who invented television. No. Curly, I'll tell you what the biggest thing is. Phil, don't listen to me. One of the greatest inventions to hit Hollywood in a long time is within your grasp, Curly. Now, I want you to pay attention to me and I'll explain the whole thing. Because I feel so well but still I'd love to look in your eyes. The love bug is so infectious it gets under your skin and if you fight it, it's gotta win. This can't be love because I feel so well. No sobs, no sobs, no sorrows, no sigh. I can't be love. I get no dizzy spells. No, just hear it be. It's too sweet. This can't be love because I feel so well. But still I'd love to look in your eyes. So you can see easily why this is such a great invention. How do you like my proposition, Curly? I heard everything but the words. I didn't hear a word you said. Alice was making too much noise. I'll tell you again. This invention... Phil, don't you dare listen to it. She's fighting me. Here, Alice, dear, have a piece of candy. Thank you. That'll keep her quiet for a while, Curly. What makes you think so? It's a bonbon filled with laryngitis germs. Stop it already. Alice, if he wants to explain his proposition, let him. It ain't gonna do no harm just to listen. I'm only gonna listen. Thank you. Now look, Curly, the biggest thing in Hollywood right now is three-dimensional pictures and I know a guy who invented a camera. Elliot, I got news for you. Three-dimension is great, but every studio in Hollywood already has a three-dimension camera. Three-dimension, yes, but none of them have four-dimension cameras. Four-dimensions? People are investing money in this dimensional stuff. You want to put money in it? How, Curly? No, no, no. Of course, if you can show me pictures in four-dimensions, I can see where to be great. I might invest a little in it. Oh, Phil, stop it. You don't even know what the four-dimensions are. I do, too. The four-dimensions are east, west, north, and south. Ain't that right, Elliot? No, but in your case, I'll make an exception. Give me the money. Not until the end. Now, first, tell me, just how does this camera, how's it work? Well, I don't understand the scientific stuff. The inventor explained it to me in technical language, and all I know is that he's got a camera that makes the actors stand right out of the screen. Yeah? That sounds great. Yeah, but it's probably expensive and takes special equipment like that sonorama. They need a big curved screen in the theater. No, no, not with my friend's invention. He don't need a curved screen. He uses a flat screen and curved actors. Well, this puts a different light on the deal. I don't see anything wrong with investing a little money in a good curved actress. He said, actor. I know what he said, leave me alone. Elliot, if this guy's invention is so good, then how come the movie studios haven't bought it? They tried, too, but he won't sell it to him. He's one of those eccentric inventors, and he don't trust nobody but me. He ain't eccentric. He's nuts. I don't know if I'm in a restaurant. No, look, Curly, why don't you see how the camera works first? I can arrange for us to get a private demonstration. If you don't like it, you don't have to put any money in it. Well, if I can see the thing before I invest, that's different. I'll tell you what you do, Elliot. Call your friend and tell him that we're coming over. Well, I can't call him. He hasn't got a telephone. He don't believe in it. What do you mean, he don't believe in it? When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, my friend called him up and told him it would never work, and he's stubborn. Okay, do you want to drive over and see him? You think we ought to? No, I'm sorry, with me if you want to. I know, but it's kind of late to be calling on the guy. No, no, no. He stays up all night. Yeah? Where's the guy live? He's got a cute little place out in the woods. Let's go. Is this the place where he lives? Yeah. It's a scary, creepy-looking joint, ain't it? Are you sure he don't mind having people drop in on him? Nah, he's a sweet old man. Open the gate, Curly. Okay. Where's the latch? Right under that sign on the fence that says don't touch high voltage. It's cute. But I like the sign next to it, the one that says beware of vicious dogs, watch out for crocodiles, and don't tease the boa constrictor. Elliot, I don't know what makes me say this, but I don't think he's in the mood for company. Oh, Curly, you're super sensitive. Those signs don't mean anything. He's a sweet, gentle old man, and he wouldn't harm a fly. Just likes to kill people, huh? Look, I ain't gonna touch no electric fence. Now, let's get out of here. No, no, Curly. We came this far, and we're not gonna leave until we see Mr. Hyde. But I don't want to go into... Mr. Hyde? What's his first name? Jekyll? No, Formalda. Formalda hot... Why don't you go over and lean on the fence? Curly, I don't know his first name. Everybody calls him Professor. Now, come on, all we gotta do to get in is see Professor Hyde, and that shot shouldn't be too hard. No, no, no. All we have to do is swim past the crocodiles, charm a boa constrictor, and it seems to me there was something else. Oh, yeah, lassie and her babies. Well, you come on, let's get out of here. Curly, hey, I know a way we can get past these dogs. You know the old saying, music has charms to soothe the savage beast. Well, you sing to them. It ain't music, but it's as close as we can get. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at night in daylight and dies. Don't let the stars get in your eyes. Keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return if you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many nights, too many stars, too many moons could change your mind. If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong. When the stars come out, remember you're mine. Let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Love blooms at the stars get in your eyes. Keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return if you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Too many miles, too many days, too many nights to be alone. Let's keep your heart while we're in the moonlight when I'm gone. Don't let the stars, don't let the stars get in your eyes. Don't let the moon break your heart. Let the stars get in your eyes. Keep your heart for me for someday. I'll return if you know you're the only one I'll ever love. Well, forget about this whole thing and go home. I'm not gonna walk it. No, let's not give up. There were only some way we could distract the dog's attention. If we had some bones we could throw them, we could keep them busy and sneak past. That's a good idea, great idea. But where are we gonna find some bones to throw at them away out here? Well, if it ain't spare ribs of bruisio. Why, we came out here to see all of these beautiful dogs. Hey Julius, how'd you like to feed them? Well, why don't you just walk in and let them take pot luck? We'll have to get rid of the dog some other way. Yeah, yeah, listen to that. Let me get rid of them vicious hounds in there. I'll get rid of them for you. All right, you stupid... Naturally, they're smart dogs. They know when they've met their match. Hey kid, how'd you do that? Easy, I delivered the groceries one day and they... They're foaming at the mouth. Hey, look kid, as long as you've been here before, you can help us. Take us in with you. Sure, come on. Hey, wait a minute. How do we get past this electric fence? I'm just tying the switch off right here. Now, follow me. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute now. What do we do when we come to them crocodiles? Show them you... What if I miss? You always got your other foot... Oh, Curly, there's nothing to worry about now. We're at the house. I'll knock. Who's out there? It's me, Dr. Lewis. Oh, I'll be right out. Dr. Lewis? Yeah, I told him I was a fellow inventor to get on a good side of him. Hello, Professor. Well, if it isn't Dr. Lewis, the inventor of the gas blanket. Gas blanket? I had to make it gas. He knows the guy who invented the electric blanket. Oh, oh. Oh, it's so nice to have you here, Doctor. Won't you come in please? Yes, thank you. Professor, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Dr. Harris. Dr. Harris? Yes, I invented the kerosene sheet. You know Julius here? Professor, pulling our legs. But it is a great pleasure to have such distinguished scholars in my humble abode. Well, thank you, Professor. Look, we're very anxious to see that fourth-dimension camera you invented. Oh, yes, of course, indeed he do. Oh, yes. That's a gem, and it will revolutionize the theater industry just as my other inventions have. Oh, you have other theatrical inventions? Oh, but yes, of course. My first contribution to the history on the cards was to the legitimate theater. I invented the reversal light. I could have sworn I invented that. What is it? Well, with this invention, there's no such thing as a flop play. Every play is a hit. Well, how does that work? Well, you know the footlights that shine on the actors' faces and prevent them from seeing the audience? Yes. I reverse the lights. Now they shine in the face of the audience. They can't see a darn thing that's happening on the stage. This is a lot of money on actors, too. Professor, look, this is all very interesting, but we're just here to see your fourth-dimension machine. Oh, yes, of course, indeed he do. My greatest brainchild, the Flickr scope. Just be seated, gentlemen, and I shall proceed with the demonstration. Now, these fourth-dimensional pictures were taken with my revolutionary camera scope, and now you will see them through the magic of my amazing projector scope. We'll turn the lights out and start the demonstration. Wait a minute, Professor. Where's the screen-a-scope? With my invention, we don't need a screen-a-scope. Just sit down, gentlemen. On what? On your seat-a-scope? Professor, how come you don't use a screen? Because with my fourth-dimension projector scope, the actors are not on the screen. But you, the audience, get the impression that they're right in the room with you, in front of you, in back of you, and all around you. Hey, that sounds great. Hey, turn it on. I want to see this. All right, here we go. This is a Western picture, gentlemen, and watch the way the action takes place all around you. All right, in the distance, we hear the rustlers riding toward us. Look at who ride. I don't see nothing. Well, they're in back of you. Turn around. In back of me where? Which way? Oh, they just rode out of the red farms against that red sky. Blue uniforms, red skies. Oh, yes, this is all in color. Oh, fine. Now I'm not seeing nothing in color. The end. Well, how'd you like it? Speedy little actors, aren't they? I didn't see a darn thing. Look, I never... I didn't even... Not even Hoot Gibson, I didn't see. Did you see anybody, Elliot? No. But I guess because I'm wearing my flat eyes today. How did you like it, little Julian? Sensational. That was a beautiful demonstration of absolutely nothing. This is Phil Harris again. Television for 1953 promises to be bigger and better than ever before, with millions of dollars going into great new shows featuring your favorite stars. And more and more people are going to be enjoying television reception at its finest thanks to new, improved RCA Victor Television for 1953. Television that's now five ways finer than ever before. RCA Victor is America's finest television, and America's finest television deserves America's finest service. That's why wise RCA Victor television owners buy an RCA Victor factory service contract with their set. That way, they're sure of installation service and adjustment of their set by RCA's own technicians. Only RCA Victor television owners enjoy this coast-to-coast factory service. Buy RCA Victor service with your RCA Victor television set, America's finest service, or America's finest television. This is Phil again. Remember your income tax must be filed by March 15. Those filing this year for the first time may need advice and assistance in filling out their returns. Call at the local collector's office if you need help. Thanks and good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed was Hans Connery. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. No record collection is really complete without the 101 best-sellers. These RCA Victor records by the world's greatest artists are the 101 top-selling records of all time, and they include every type of music, from symphonies and concertos to dance tunes and jazz hits. Make sure your record library includes this great music. Check RCA Victor's latest list of the 101 best-selling records at your record dealers tomorrow.