 Hi, friend Irma. Hi, sweetie. What are you doing? Oh, they have an intelligence quiz in this magazine. I'm just checking my answers. An intelligence quiz? Yes. Jeanne, is Amadilla a country in South America? No, not lately. Wrong. Well, what about an enchilada? Is that a Mexican hat? No, honey. It's a Mexican dish, but you could put it on your head if you want to. Well, that's too I've got wrong. But I know this one I answered right. Pocahontas are the mountains of Pennsylvania for the Indians to go skiing. Correct, Jeanne? Well, that's where I have three wrongs. See, the next is identify the following. Lily ponds. That's the place where they grow flowers in the water. Gone. Now, the word to hear spelled L... Oh, I know what that is. That's a French boyfriend. French boyfriend? Yes. Lover. Oh, sure. Like in the song, Lover, come back to me. Cookie, in this class, how do they rate your intelligence? Oh, it's simple. If you get 10 out of 20, you're fair. 15 out of 20 is good, and 18 out of 20 is good. And 18 out of 20 is excellent. I see. How many did you get? 19. 19 right? 19 wrong. How many did you get right? None. I only answered 19. The 20th was too tough. Oh, too tough, huh? What's the question? Who invented the bell telephone? Yeah, yeah, well, that's really tough. It's almost as tough as what's the name of the Mississippi River. Irma, is this the first time you have tackled this intelligence quiz? No, I did it last month in the Modern Girl magazine. How'd you make out? They canceled my subscription. Well, you know, come in. Hello, Jane, you know, Irma, my two little termites, one heading into the woods, and the other with a wooden head. Oh, but thank you. Oh, pardon me, Jane, it's just a little joke I made up because I'm so tickled. Tickled? You mean you didn't hear? What are you talking about? Haven't you noticed how quiet it is around here? Yeah, it is quiet. Sure. Now, when you hear a shrill sound, you know it's either the patrol wagon, an ambulance, or a fog horn, and not Mrs. O'Reilly singing Chloe. Well, what? I don't understand, Professor. They took Mrs. O'Reilly to jail. Yeah, well, what for? She was arrested for disturbing the peace. Well, what happened? Did she get into a fight? No, but not for fighting, for singing. For singing? Well, that's not disturbing the peace. It isn't. Did you ever hear her do a Swiss yodel? Yes, not only disturbing the peace, but Switzerland has been at peace for 500 years and starts issuing out ammunition. I still don't understand. Tell me what actually happened. Well, you know Mrs. Hogan. You mean the landlady in the next building? Yeah, yeah. She called the station house and put in a complaint against Mrs. O'Reilly. How do you like that? Well, she and Mrs. O'Reilly have been enemies ever since we've lived here. Yeah, that's right. You see, Mrs. O'Reilly and Mrs. Hogan are the same age, and they resent having either one around to remind the other that anybody could be that old. Well, you know, we can't just sit around while Mrs. O'Reilly's in jail. We've got to do something. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's get up a petition to keep her there. Professor, now we know you don't mean that. Of course not, after all she did for you. Remember when you had double pneumonia and Mrs. O'Reilly used to come up every day and bring you hot soup? In no time at all, you were out of bed. Well, I had to get out of bed. That soup was killing me. Ali, we just heard about... Where are you? Oh, did they release you? Don't you worry about a thing. We'll take care of it. Goodbye. Who were she? What did she say? She's all right, but she's still being held by the police. Then why is she complaining? She's been trying for years to get a policeman to hold her. Professor, will you please be serious? She's got to have bail. We've got to help her. Bail? How much? $500. Well, we can't raise that much between us. Let's relax. We are safe. We don't have to raise $500. All we need is $25 for a bond. Let's see now, I've got 10. Irma, Jen, you know I'm broke. All right, all right. Here's $15. Thanks, Professor. I knew you'd come across. Well, I'm only doing good because Mrs. O'Reilly might start singing in jail, and I don't want they should have another prison riot on their hands. Mrs. O'Reilly, you can relax now. You're back home and you're safe. Yes, thanks to you. Oh, it's such a comfort to know you have friends standing by that you can count on. Irma, Jane, and you, Professor. Oh, not please, Mrs. O'Reilly. Stop crying. Your mascara is running down all your wrinkles. Not only does this make your face look like a roadmap, but when your mouth is open, it looks like all the roads are leading to the Grand Canyon. Stop interrupting. I'm trying to get the basic facts. Mrs. O'Reilly, what makes Mrs. Hogan dislike you? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm younger and more attractive. Well, I have never seen Mrs. Hogan, but now I don't want to. You know, Mrs. O'Reilly, it looks to me like this woman is determined to make things tough for you. My advice would be to get a good lawyer. Oh, I will not. I'm not spending money on lawyers. But, Mrs. O'Reilly, you don't know anything about defending yourself? What if the judge wants to see your mandamus and you've got your corpus in your briefcase? How's that again? Huh? Oh, please, Jane, I work for a lawyer. I know all about courtroom procedures. Well, I'm not going to worry about the law. My plea will be umbilical and simple, and I'm convinced that my singing is art, and art should never be stifled. You've got a good point there, Mrs. O'Reilly. Just remind them that every singer has a style. Sinatra is a grown-up, and Johnny Ray is a crier, and you are the newest thing, a screecher. That's a fine way to talk. And I was counting on using you as a character with the semi-defense. Now, I think Mrs. O'Reilly should rest from her ordeal, and then we could all decide upon a plan of action. Oh, that's a very good idea, Jane. Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly. Why don't we go up to my room and chat a while? Well, why your room? Well, now, there is a chance you may have to go to jail, and after sitting in my room, your cell will seem like the walled off. Oh, Jane, I'm worried they'll take her away and we'll never see her again. Oh, now, Cookie, come on. It's not that bad. It's terrible, and I know where she'll be sent. All right, where? Leavenworth? Devil's Island? Brooklyn? Because she was singing. All right, I guess there's only one way to convince you. Here's a law book that your boss, Mr. Clyde, once left years ago for you to read. Remember, I'll read the passage on Disturbing the Peace. Okay? Oh, here it is. Disturbing the Peace, section 415 of the penal code. Every person who maliciously and willfully disturbs the peace or quiet of any neighborhood or person by loud or unusual noise or by tumultuous or offensive conduct or threatening, producing, quarreling, challenging to fight or fighting, or who on the public streets of any unincorporated town or upon the public highways run any horse race for a wage or two amount to any gain or profit in such unincorporated towns or use of vulgar, profane, or indecent language within the healing of woman or child in the loud and boisterous manner is guilty of a misdemeanor. Well, that's plain enough. What's plain? You might as well write a law to sing on the street. What's that got to do with Mr. Riley? Oh, Worma, please, if you don't mind, I'll go on, huh. Upon the conviction of any court of competent jurisdiction, the offender shall be punished by a fine of no more than $200 of iron prism and of no more than 90 days. Well, let's see, $200 for 90 days? Well, at least when you're in jail, the rent is cheap. Now, go to the trouble to read these things to you. Why don't you at least try to understand? This is very serious. Well, I know it isn't. I've got to do something. We can't let Mrs. Riley go to court without a lawyer. Oh, honey, you heard her. She doesn't want a lawyer. And look, Arma, you have one role to play in this thing if we're going to help Mrs. O'Reilly. What's that? Well, they'll probably call you as a character witness, and I want you to say that you have heard Mrs. O'Reilly sing many times, and the sound of her voice would best be described as the singing of a whippoorwill in the sunset. The sound of her voice would best be described as the singing of the whippoorwill in the sunset. Yeah, all right, Cookie. Now, I am the judge. Have you heard Mrs. O'Reilly sing? Yes, and it can best be described as the sound that comes. Yes? When somebody is whippoorwill in the woods yet. Oh, no. Oh, Miss Peterson. Miss Peterson. Yes, Mr. Clyde? Get your notebook, please, and take a letter. All right, sir. All righty. Mr. Gordon Young, I understand that you have ten heating units at your disposal. Since three of the heads are slightly cracked, I think your wife is talking through her hat when she asks that amount of money. I do not wish to see my client stuck. It's really Milton J. Clyde. Got it. Would you please read it back? To Mr. Gordon Young, my client is slightly cracked from the heat, and his wife needs money for a new hat as her head is stuck in the disposal unit. No, Miss Peterson. Tell me, did you ever study shorthand? Of course. Spitman or Greg? I don't remember the name of the teacher. I went to school for three years. Then how come you can't read your own dictation back? Oh, I could read it back. Oh, you can. Well, what's this word you wrote? What word? Yeah, this line with the hook. That's the word wished. Uh-huh. And, uh, what's the word wished? Uh-huh. And, uh, what's the word wished? Uh-huh. And, uh, what's this word? Where? This circle with the little tails. That's no word. We just got a cat, and I'm drawing him. Maybe I should hire the cat. What word is this, Miss Peterson? These two little circles joined together by a straight line. Let me see. Two little circles joined together by a straight line. Is that, uh, the word disposable? Uh-huh. No. Client? No. Shall I let you know when you're warm? Two little circles joined by a straight line. Oh, just to remind me to tell you I saw on your eye glasses again. You what? You unmitigated, insipid violation of intelligent endeavor. Please, Mr. Client, not so fast. Who is this, too? Oh, no. Hey, Peterson, I will not... Oh, please, Mr. Client, don't yell at me. I'm so sad. I don't care. I, I... What is it, now? Well, Miss O'Rolly was singing and someone had her arrested for disturbing the peace, and now she's going to jail. Is there something you can do about it? Yes, I would like to buy you singing lessons. Please, Mr. Client, Miss O'Rolly doesn't want a lawyer, so I thought that maybe you could take the case. How is that again? I mean, maybe you could tell me things that I can tell her for a defense. Oh, you would like to give a friend a break. Exactly. Very well. If I were you, I would wait until the trial was over. Yes. And when the judge says 90 days, jump up and say your honor, it wasn't Mrs. O'Rolly, I was the one who did the singing. But then I'll go to jail. Consider me your friend and thank you for the break. Me again, girl, Kropotsky. Well, come on in, Professor, what's wrong? You look worried. Why shouldn't I be worried? I got to go to court too and say I like Mr. O'Rolly's singing. This is like saying that the food at the gypsy tea room is fresh. It's me, girls. Are you at home? Yes, come in, Mr. O'Rolly. We were just waiting for you, Mr. O'Rolly. Oh, come on now, put yourself together. What's wrong now? Everything is going against me. I tried to get this singing teacher, Professor Slutkin, to testify that my singing is pure art. Yeah? He suddenly left town. I can't understand it. He's 64 years old. I just can't believe he's been drafted. Why didn't I think of that? Look, Mr. O'Rolly, why don't you play it safe? You still have time to get a lawyer. No, it's out of the question. I can't afford it. I saved up a little money so I could visit my two sisters in Philadelphia for the Thanksgiving holiday. And I'm not letting anything spoil it. Besides, I know I'm innocent. If only I knew something about courtroom procedure. That's really easy, Mrs. O'Rolly. I've gone to court lots of times with Mr. Clyde. First, the judge says, does the defendant have anything to say before the court finds out why he is guilty? No, no, no, all right. Now, that's enough. Mrs. O'Rolly, since you're determined to defend yourself and since we're going to be your character witnesses, don't you think we'd better have a little rehearsal? That's a good idea. You'll be the judge, Janey. All right. Now, we'll first witness... Professor Kropotkin, you take the stand. Your name? Kropotkin. You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If I did, she'd hang in the morning. Professor, please be serious. Now, come on. Do you know the defendant, Mrs. O'Rolly? Oh, yes, indeed. How long? About 40 years. I met her when she was 50. I know, Janey, this whole thing terrifies me. Why? If I say that I like a singin', you know what'll happen? The most that can happen is that they'll make you take a lie detector test. I'm not afraid of a lie detector test. I just don't want to have to take a family test. Janey, Janey, please call somebody else. Maybe I'll be stronger in the morning. Oh. Go ahead, Mrs. O'Rolly. Call your next witness. Ms. Erma Peterson. Ms. Peterson, will you take the stand? Okay, honey. No, honey, no. I'm the judge. You address me as your honor. Yes, your honor. Your name? Erma Peterson. You know the defendant? Yes, she's our landlady. She's a sweet, kind and gentle soul. I know she's going to paint our kitchen next week. Erma. Erma, no hints now. Now tell the court what is your occupation? I'm a secretary. Confidential? Well, confidentially, my boss doesn't think so, but I do. Your witness, Mrs. O'Rolly. Well, thank you, your honor. Erma Peterson, you're a tenant in my apartment building. Is that correct? Yes, me and the judge. You heard my singing. Would you say it is annoying? First not many a night I lay awake, listening for you to stop. Oh, no, no, oh. Believe me, we're going to have trouble. Probably? Yes, I already told her to memorize a line that your singing was like a whippewill in the sunset. You should see what came out. But why don't you give us something real simple with small words? All right, let's try it. Well, I'll just say that Mrs. O'Rolly's singing makes you think of when you were a baby. It reminds you of how your mother used to sing to you as she rocked you to sleep when you were sick. Oh, a child wouldn't get that mixed up. It makes me think of my mother rocked me to sleep when I was sick. Hey, hey, hey, the Civil Court of the State of New York of the 15th District of the City of New York is now in session. The Honorable Judge Jonathan J. Canova presiding. Order in the court. All right, clerk. Let us proceed. Call the first case. Mrs. Hogan versus Mrs. O'Rolly, will they come forward please? Come on, Mrs. O'Rolly, that's you. Now don't you get nervous. We're right with you. Mrs. O'Rolly, you are charged with violation of section 415 of the penal code disturbing the peace. How do you plead? Not guilty. Very well. Are you prepared to present your defense to counsel? If you don't mind, Judge, I'd like to defend myself. Very well. Call your first witness. Irma Peterson, take the stand. Now remember, Irma, your mother rocked you to sleep. Irma Peterson. Come in, Your Highness. Miss Peterson, you will address the judge as judge or your honor. Oh, I will. What do I call you, Sergeant? You don't call me anything. Just address your remarks to the judge. State your name. Irma Peterson, State, New York, formerly Minnesota. Do you swear to tell the truth, whole truth, that your mother shall have him? Well? I'm sorry. All I got was swear, and I'd rob him not if you don't mind. Lady, will you please that all right, clerk? Let us proceed. And, Judge, I'll try to make my answer as quick as I see you're getting ready for bed. Bed? Yes, and I think that black nightgown you have on is very becoming. I knew I should have stayed with the traffic squad. I'll come right to the point. Irma Peterson, you've often heard me sing. What do you think of my singing? Uh, your singing? What were the exact words? Uh, when you sing, it makes me sick. It reminds me to throw rocks at my mother. Why? I mean, my mother gets sick and wants to throw rocks at the... I mean... Having heard the testimony of both sides, it becomes a question of whether Mrs. O'Reilly's singing represents the basis for a case of willful misconduct. Your Honor, there's only one way to settle this. Let me sing for you. No, no, no. Don't do it, Mr. O'Reilly. Quit while you're ahead. Mrs. O'Reilly, maybe the professor's right, but let's not carry this thing too far, huh? Oh, don't worry, Janie. I'm in fine voice. Order, please. Go ahead, Mrs. O'Reilly. You may sing. My wife, the sweetest flower that grows. You may search everywhere, but none can compare with my wife. That's enough! That's enough! But you didn't give me time to finish the first chorus. Don't worry, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'll see that you get plenty of time. This court is now ready to pass sentence. I find if you... Just a minute, Your Honor. Before you finish, could I have a word with you in private? Very well. This court will call a short recess. Due to new evidence presented, case dismissed. Case dismissed! Well, I signed an affidavit that Mrs. O'Reilly would sing only in her apartment after she had it soundproofed. Oh, Professor, you did that for me? Now look, now look, please. Don't get mushy. I've had a hard enough day. But I can't understand. You mean to say after you heard me sing, the judge still thought I was guilty of disturbing the peace? Of course not. No, no. He wanted to change the charge from disturbing the peace to carrying a deadly weapon.