 Today's show is brought to you by Zipcar.com. Earn $25 of free driving credit at JoinZipcar.com forward slash David Feldman show. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanShow.com. Please follow me on Twitter and friend me on Facebook. Do all your Amazon shopping via the Amazon link that you see at the David Feldman show website. We're coming to you from Izzy's Diner on Wilshire Boulevard. Why are you laughing? Be professional. You're the host. I feel like this is Larry King in Miami in 1963 and I'm about to talk to Jackie Gleason. We're at the Park Sheridan Hotel and you're sliding scripts under the door. Larry King used to do a show like at Izzy's Diner. Izzy's Deli. So where is Izzy's Deli? And Adam Ferrara is here. I have not seen you. Long time, my friend. Long time. We work together in Vegas. I think the dunes were still there. It was a while ago. I like to walk and you like to walk. So we would go for walks before our show, before we take the naps before our show. Wait a second. This was how many years ago? 17 years ago? It's got to be. 17 years ago and I was opening for you. Right now. And you used to say, let's take Grandpa for a walk. Yeah. Because you was there. I'd like to go for a walk. And if you walk in Vegas, you know that things are a lot further than you think. Yeah. And it's hotter and so we walked in the last two long. And then we came back to LA and we were living, I was in Hollywood and you were right down the block. So we would meet once in a while and take a walk and then we just kind of lost touch. So when I got in touch with you again, I was really looking forward to doing it. And I like to eat. Right. So that's why we're here at Izzy's Deli in beautiful Santa Monica where the sun is shining and it's a balmy 70 degrees. Cross from a hospital which is not really a good sign. Well, but it's convenient for me at my age. I'll be right back. I have to get one artery unclogged. How are you, my friend? I've been, you know, yesterday was my mediation for my divorce. Okay. And it looks like that's over with. So you need to see the wine list. Yes. I heard enough whining yesterday. That's hard, man. It's a hard road. It's a loss of structure, man. And you're married. I am married, yeah. Here's what I remember about you. Yeah. I guess this was 17 years ago. It can't be 17 years ago. It might not have been. It might have been 15 years ago. Okay. Oh, much better. Yes. I open for you and women, and I don't think if your wife is listening, women love you. That's so sweet of you. I'm looking at the one I got. Women threw themselves at you. Oh, God. You are old. Your memory's going. And I remember in Vegas, there was a Russian woman. Mm-hmm. This was... Oh, yeah. Wow. That was the weekend you were there. Yeah. This is what I remember. Yeah. I had a wife and kids and dogs and a house, and I'm on the road just so I can read and I'm so glad that I don't have to chase women and your... And I'm thinking, you know, poor Adam. What a superficial life. All these women throwing themselves at you, and they did, and I'm sure they still do. Oh, look, I'm lucky I got the one I got. But this is what I remember about you. This woman only wanted to have sex with you. She was Russian and she was gorgeous. Yeah. And you would buy her flowers and chocolates and wine and diner. And I kept saying, you closed. What are you spending them... See, what are you doing? That's right. I remember that. Why are you buying her flowers and chocolates? I don't know. I said, are you one of those schmucks? She was a nice girl. And you were romantic. Yeah. And I'm thinking, what an idiot. What a putz. I thought, this guy's gay. He actually likes women. Oh, that's funny. You do love women. I love my women, yeah. But I mean, I think you genuinely enjoy the company of women and like romance. Yeah. I think you're romantic. Yeah. I wish you would have taken me to a nicer place for this, to be honest with you. Now that you brought it up, I didn't want to see anything in front of Alex, but now that you brought it up and it's on the table, would it kill you to put a lighter candle after 17 years? This is why we don't talk, David. I guess I do. I guess it's a whole, the atmosphere. I only can connect it to my wife because I am truly in love with this woman. And I learned a difference when I met my wife between have to and want to. I want to do these things where I want to be able to, I define myself, my father did it with my mother, take care of your wife. How can you live in service of the queen? So I guess I have that. I got that from my dad. I remember he... Go on with this because I have things to say about that. What? Well, my wife makes me better. So I knew that I was a pack of data. Thank you, sir. My veggie burger is being reported. I'll try to find something wrong with this and send it back. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. I'm sure there'll be something wrong. That's great. So I'm going to do this... Please eat, baby. I want to... I like you going to send it back. It's a boiled potato. How did they screw it up? You heat up the water, you put the potato in. If it's floating, it's time for dinner. How are you sending back a boiled potato you pain in the ass? Did you ever think it was you? Say it. Say what? Jew. You know, you're living proof that New York Italians are Jews. Oh, yeah. It's food, family, and guilt. It's the same shit. Food, family, and rage. Yeah, and rage. Oh, yeah. I remember once I asked my father, I said, Pop, how come you're so angry? It helps to hold down the rage. So I'm going to do this... Please eat. I want to do this because Robert Smigel did my podcast. Right. And ate throughout it. And it really pissed people off. Why? Do you hear the chewing? Wasn't Triumph smoking during the whole thing? And Triumph was smoking. And I did Jimmy Pardo's podcast this week. In the opening, five minutes, I was munching on a bagel. And I just want to see... How much you can piss it off the audience? How much I can push people away. Did this come up in mediation? You know, he eats constantly when we're trying to talk. All right, we're going to write that down. So what I was going to say is, if I had to do it over again, what you just said and the listeners to this podcast have heard me say this, I would have worshipped my wife. Really? Yeah, but the thing I learned was women are to be worshipped. Now, unfortunately, we have a female president. We're about to have a female president. And that's going to be considered patronizing. Is it patronizing or is it just... I'm not being sexist. The fact is, I genuinely love my wife. And grateful that I've seen how my life has got so much better that she's in it, and I want to... I define myself as trying to be a good husband and everything. My job is to provide and protect. It's not meant to marginalize ladies in any way. I think that women are underpaid. I think any decisions regarding their body should be made by them. Actually, that's what I think about women. But this isn't about them. It's about me. So shut up, ladies. Let me talk. No, I agree that women's bodies are their bodies, and only women should make decisions about their bodies. So whenever I sent my wife to a plastic surgeon, it was always a female who performed the... You know what, you're a sensitive man. Go see Claire, something sagging. Was that the... We're back. I had a little... He had to send something back. The food is so good here that I have to look to other people's tables to send something. Unfortunately, yes. It was delicious. Thank you. I'm sending back an empty plate. I'd never sent stuff back. No, me neither. No. You come back, oh, look at the heart shape of the potatoes. Those are ball prints. Don't eat them. Speaking of being on the stage, let's review... You're not just a stand-up comic. That's how I know you. But you're an accomplished actor. Yeah, I've been very fortunate to... Tell me about Nurse Jackie. Nurse Jackie was fun. I did two years on that show. I played Jackie's boyfriend. We fell in love, moved in, broke up. And it was a great deal of fun. It was a lot of fun to do it. She's extraordinary. I remember... And she's from Long Island, which is where I'm from. She's from the town next to us. So we kind of... It was kind of a connection there to begin with. Right. So I get the gig. And I remember the first scene we did. I'm in the car. I play a police officer. So I asked her out on a first date. And she says yes. And she's so good about creating, about being present. And I said, so you want to go out? And she goes, yes. And my little head, I went, I'm doing great with this girl. Does that happen? Because I'm not an actor. What? Does that happen if you're getting so deep into it, the method? Oh, you're connected. You have to play the truth of the scene. So, you know... It's like, I'm not the king of comedy in the basement. Ma! You know, it's like that. But yeah, there's a certain amount of truth and you have to find the truth of the scene. And all the shit you're reading the books. Can it be adultery? Can you be lusting in your heart as an actor, even though you're married? Right now with you? No. I got nothing. But what... I mean, do you have to do a sense memory where you have to... Well, it depends on what you need to get there. I'll be honest with you. When I got to get anywhere I need to get deeper, there's two things to have. I think of my wife for emotional connection or I think of my wife telling me what I'm doing wrong. So, there's that voice in your head. Oh, thank you. More coffee. And do you do a line by line analysis or do you just get it off the face? There's a purpose of scene. You break down the scene like you figure out what the actor, what the writer intention of the scene, what the purpose of the scene is for the story, what your part of the whole is to play that. And then you just get the truth. It's being truthful in imaginary circumstances. Get the truth of that moment. Play it. And our scenes were very quick. That's when we did like... We wouldn't really rehearse much. Maybe we'd run lines quickly in a makeup trailer but then two takes and they were all happy with it. So, that's usually the best stuff I find is when it comes quickly. So, you did love scenes with Edie Falco? I did. So, I'm on top gear. I flipped over in a car and I separated my shoulder so I couldn't work out. So, I was all freaked out because I know I had beyond set with Edie. So, I get the script. Frank and Edie make love. Great, of course. I got a love scene. So, I can't work out and I'm freaking out. So, my wife said stop eating me because I was just down to... I wasn't eating red meat anymore. So, my wife's a vegetarian. And when you fall in love with someone, she was like, listen, this isn't a fair. This is my lifestyle. You're going to be okay with this. And I'm like, do I get you? Yeah. I'll eat the fucking twigs. Fine. So, I stopped eating that and we did the love scenes. And the first kiss scene was very, very stressful for me because you want to do well. So, I ate a whole box of Altoids because I was terrified about my breath was going to stink. But they were cinnamon, so my mouth was numb and I'm like, oh great, she's going to think I kissed like a fish. But yeah, it's awkward. But, you know, you get through it. She's done love scenes on TV with two of the greatest actors of my generation. You and James Gandolfini. Look at that. You're a kind man. Yes. You know what? I'm getting you another potato. That was very nice. James Gandolfini. And she is just the nuance that she has. So, do you still study acting? Oh, yeah. I'm told you still have to... Yeah, you got to keep the machine moving because you never know when your next job is going to come and you learn by doing. You keep doing. It's like our stand-up, man. You keep doing it. Right. It's like when you talk to younger comments on the road like, how do you do this? How do you know this? I've just been doing it longer. But somebody like, I consider George Clooney, Matt Damon, to be great actors. Yeah. Do they... They can't go to an acting school. Do they have a coach comes in? I don't know what goes on in Italy. I don't know what George does over there. And Lake Homo? Lake Homo, you know. I'm sure they do something to keep the machine going. I guess they're fortunate just to keep working. You just go from one gig to another gig. Tell me about Dennis Larry. Irish, tall, skinny. Is he really skinny? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's fun. Dennis gave me... We've been friends for a long time. The first gig I got with him was a cop show called The Job. I think it was 1998. 1998. And I get the gig and we're doing the show. And I had done Letterman. And I was like the second day of shooting. So we're still trying to get to know each other. And I had done Letterman the night before. I did stand-up. And he came into makeup trailer and just kicked my chair. He goes, I didn't know you were standing up. I saw you on Letterman last night. Really? Yeah. He didn't have no idea I was a stand-up. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I would assume that Apostle... That's his company. Jimmy, yeah. Serpico and Tom Selleve. Yeah. Those guys. And I would assume they take care of their friends. Yeah. This is my... I first met them. This is when I first came into the fold. Wait, wait, wait. You weren't a friend of his from Boston? Dennis? No. I met Dennis at the final audition for the show. Oh, my... I... No, we weren't stand-up friends. I was... I met Dennis actually during that process. You know, I worked on the Dennis Larry roast before you were born. And... I was on that roast. I know. And all... I said this is a guy who takes care of his friends. Yeah. And I... So you became... He auditioned you as a friend. Yeah. No, not even... I didn't know him. I'm saying he auditioned you. Yeah. And then you became his friend. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. It's been working friends. We're working... We're working on a show. I went audition... I went on tape. And you know how tape auditions are? I'm never going to see these people again. And then I got a call, fly to New York. And it was the greatest test they had, the test deal. Because I didn't know that... Well, the suits were looking. We're at the Chelsea Piers. It was just Dennis, Peter Toland, and a cameraman. That was it. They were shooting it. But I didn't know Disney and ABC were all up in the rafters watching. Oh. So it was just us and we started in Provinc and making each other laugh. Uh-huh. And I got the gig. And then I went on to rescue me. Yeah. And then that turned into a rescue. Who did you play on rescue me? I played Chief Needles Nelson. I was... When 9-11 hit, all the older guys either retired or unfortunately perished. And so they needed... Everyone in the FDNY got moved up before they might have been ready because of the shortage of manpower. Right. So I played a young chief that was in charge. And I did that for four years. For four years working in New York? In New York. Yeah, it was great. You have the opportunity not to live in Los Angeles. I did. Yeah, that's why we're here. But you keep coming back here. Well, I got the house here. I'm in Santa Monica. And I still got the apartment in New York, so I go back and forth. But what pulls you back to LA? My mortgage. Is there more work for... Well, there's... You have to be in both coasts, you know. It's like Jackie shot in New York and Top Gear... Shoot all over the place, but a lot of it was here in LA. It's great. I get to drive cars that cost more than the house I grew up in. For those of you who don't know the show, it's basically three idiots that like cars. And you grew up living in a Corvair. You grew up living in a Corvair. Which is unsafe at any speed. Yeah, I got my... I like cars and I got it from my dad. I don't have that if-then-go-to statement when it comes to mechanical stuff. But my father can fix anything. But if you wanted to spend time with my dad, that's where he was in the garage. So I would learn how everything worked and I'd try to, you know, fix stuff like him. And we quickly figured out that my mechanical ability, my job was to hold the light. Because that's what I would do. I remember I was working on a car and if there's oils leaking, bloods flying, wrenches are falling, and my father came over and put his hand on my shoulder and said, son, you're going to have to get a job. You're going to have to work at something the rest of your life. This ain't it. So, let's put this one aside. But you wish you were able to know how to lift up a hood. Yeah. Well, I can-I knew how it-now I can't. I used to lift up a hood. That's because my dad was a model and I used to help him out of the-in the garage is where he did it. I thought you were going to say executioner. Oh, that's even better. Nobody knows what a model is. Today you're a man. They know it is he's. Listen, I'm going to have to send this foreskin back. It's a little tough. Hey, Doc, leave some on for later. Yeah. So, so you're driving cars? I-yeah, so that part of the show is three guys and we get to do all these automotive adventures. I drove a pickup truck up a volcano in Iceland. I jumped a Cadillac about 40 feet in the air. I did-I did 188 in a Ferrari F12. I did 183 in a Lamborghini on the Autobahn. I mean, I get to do all this- David, the shit I get to do is just-it's extraordinary. I never thought I'd be able to-to do stuff like that. See, this is just-I'm an awe of real men. I remember I was doing-I got booked at a country club in Phoenix. Mm-hmm. And they rented a car for me and I show up and they were being very generous. Mm-hmm. And I show up at Enterprise and it's-they go, oh, you know, look over there, you can have any car you want. Right. And-and there was a brand new Mustang. Mm-hmm. Uh, I don't even know what the other car was. It looked like a Corvette, but it wasn't. Right. And I see a Nova. Right. And I go, I'll take the Nova. A Nova. Or a Taurus. Is it 1973? No, like a Taurus or something. Okay. And they go, but you could have a Mustang. Yeah. And I know how to drive a Taurus. You know what my- And that's the body of a Jaguar. That's-you know what my daily driver is? The car I drive every day is a 1970 Buick Electric 225. It's huge-it's 18 feet 5 inches. I have three garages at my house. It doesn't fit in any of them. And I live here in Santa Monica. I painted a black cherry metallic. I dropped the suspension. And I drive around-I drive around down playing Paul and the Funkadelic and Scare and White People. We-when I was married, we bought, I-I-it was a 1974 Dodge. I don't remember what it was. Dart. Swinger. Hornet. I don't know, but we spent a fortune on it. Mm-hmm. Just keeping it alive. It was a 1974 something. And I decided we were going to have a real American date. Okay. So we went to La Brea and picked up-this is when I was eating turkey burgers. We picked up fries, turkey burgers, and a shake at Pinks. Yeah, yeah. And then headed up mo-mo-mo-mo-mo- I'll tell you why I'm stuttering. Good. We get on Mulholland and I have a panic attack. Oh, good. And my wife is going, this is not a real man. I'm-I'm driving this car on Mulholland with the curvy roads. Yeah. And I'm going, we're going to crash. We're going to crash. I can't do this. I can't do this. And my wife goes, note to self, when kids are old enough, leave this loser. Oh, stop it. Well. You get pan- I got panic attacks. Yeah. Yeah. I got-I got-I got them, um, uh, when we were talking before, we were talking-we were talking all fair when we were eating. Yes. About the-the loss of structure and relationship. Right. And I got them. And my dad got-got ill during that time, so everything was crumbling for me. And, uh, that's when I got my panic attacks. Right. And you know what actually-actually helped me? Was listening to my act. Because, you know, we can't lie on stage. You can't-so that was a form of identity. I was like, okay, I can still do that. Right. And I could still work. So that was my saving grace. It's interesting because I had a-a-a mild nervous breakdown in Las Vegas at Harris. Were you working? No. Okay, good. I just couldn't-I was like in a- I was mild nervous breakdown. You know, I-I had a slight coup of the government. You know. Well, mild nervous breakdown means I'm too cheap this spring for the loony bin. Hello. What's my insurance like? Yeah. Okay, then this is a mild-this is a mild one. I'm going to take-I'm going to drink cocoa and yell at the lamp. I'll be fine. But the only time I could function was when I was performing. Yeah. I don't know what that is. It actually-in physically too, like if I have a cold or something, I can go on stage and not feel, you know, anything. Or if you have to pee. Yeah, if I have to pee. I don't know if I ever-I don't know if I ever had to pee on stage. If I have to pee and they go, ladies and gentlemen, David Feldman, I'll go on stage and I don't have to pee. Okay. And the audience-I do even better because the audience is laughing and then I look down at my pants are wet. It's a prop act. Listen, drink this-drink this-drink this water. We got a late show. What do you-if you could choose-if you had to choose, if I had put a gun to your head. Right. And your erection finally subsided. Right. From the erection. My fear erection. Yeah. If you had to-you had to choose between acting and stand-up. Mmm. It would be stand-up, right? It would-the thing about-like that-66 Galaxy. So you like cars? I do, yeah. Sorry, there's a window here it is. If I had to choose, that's a real tough choice. Can I make stand-up pay as much as acting? The money's the same? Yeah. His-his-his-I'm gonna-I'm gonna process out loud with you. The traveling beats us up and stand-up. Nice thing about acting is you're on a set. If it's in New York or here. Um, but the immediate gratification of stand-up, you know, is-is you can't beat that adrenaline rush. It's still-and I've been in country, what, 26 years? I start, you know, doing stand-up. And it's still-it has not subsided. So you consider it war? What? Oh, yes. Stand-up is war? Well, don't you-when you-when you meet someone-a comic, I got married. A civilian? Oh, she's in a business, you know? So, yeah. I never thought of stand-up as-as war. It's-it's a term of-the term just sits with me. It's like it's-it's not combat, you know, but it's like- Well, I-I know, because I think it's more difficult and more righteous than being a soldier. What is? Stand-up. I think soldiers-I'm joking. Soldiers don't-soldiers never had to do a second show in Newark, New Jersey on a Saturday night. You want to talk gunfire? Yeah. There are no atheists. Yeah. There are no atheists on the late show. Did you ever-you wouldn't serve in the military, right? You hate this country. I-would you? You. You're a mess. Uh, what I-I-I would if they'd have me. First of all, first of all, I'll be honest with you. I joined a gym and I never go. So I don't know about the-the-the physical demands. Um, but I did a-we did an episode of our show at, uh, Fort Irwin. I was in a-an Abrams M1A1, fired off 10 rounds- Fort Irwin and Abrams? Is-is-is this a Jewish- It's not right here, Fort Irwin and the Abrams tank. They put me in there. I got pictures, I'll show you. They put me in the tank and I was the TC, the tank commander, and I'm riding around and they're blasting off these rounds in the tank and I-I'm screaming every line I can think about from Patton. I'm like, Rommel, you Mac Deverson bastard, I read your book. And they're like, dude, it's Tuesday, just shut up and tell us to move. I'm like, Move out! And they're babies! The guy driving this tank is a kid. He's younger than Alex. You can't see Alex. He's a hipster sipping soda right now. But they were kids and I was having the best time. I was like, come on! Let's-let's beat Patton's time to Baston! I was just screaming. Um, and the-the commitment to those guys, I'll tell you what, we-we-we're shooting in the rain and we're supposed to race a tank. So I'm gonna-I'm gonna- What show is this? Top Gear. Oh, right, okay. So the tank is going alongside and I'm racing it in a Jeep. So I come up-I come up up the hill, I get a little late. The Jeep comes off the ground, I catch a little air, I come down. The tank comes out, we get out. And the other guys were standing there and the LT is standing there, Lieutenant's standing there, he was a tank commander. And Rutledge, one of the other guys on the show, comes around the corner in a big truck and he hits a puddle and we can see he's gonna hit the puddle. Me and Tanner, the other actor, ducked behind the tank. Lieutenant just stood there. He didn't blink. Water just came up, it was freezing rain. He's just standing there. He didn't move. And we came out and Rutledge, I'm so sorry, he goes, it's just water. And he's just standing there. He just took it right in the face. Marine Army? It's a training center. Fort Irwin is the Army. It's a training center which is where everyone trains before they ship out to Afghanistan and wherever they go. And they were great to us. Well, ever since they allowed gays in the military, soldiers have no problem taking it in the face. Oh, there you go. It's a jizz in the face joke. Why do you hate our soldiers? Why would you make a joke like that? Where are you going? You're a horrible human being. My God. God. Gays in the face. It started with Alexander the Great. It did. You know, there's a theory about that. Aristotle. Was it Aristotle? Was this his boyfriend? He attended a grade? No, but in Plato's Symposium, written by, yeah, Plato's Symposium, Alcibiades is the great Greek general. Right. And he claims that the best form of love is between two soldiers because they will defend each other to their death. See, and you yell at me for trying to get romance in Vegas. Adam, why are you buying a flower? She just wants to fuck you. Do you have to ruin everything, Feldman? I think that Plato's Symposium, it's a discussion about what love is. And I think the guy's name was Alcibiades. He was a Greek general. And he says that all soldiers should be gay because... They'll defend each other. They'll defend each other, which is great having women in the armed forces. Well, I don't think... Because lesbians... Also, Alcibiades' mother said, you can do better. So Top Gear, is that NBC? Oh, history was on history. It was BBC history. There's a Corvair. Wow. This is great to do on radio. Seeing stuff you can't see. This is Wilshire Boulevard. It's on the History Channel. It was, yeah. Our contract is up. We did five years, six seasons. BBC was the production company. They want to move us somewhere else. So we're in a holding pattern until we find another home. So I get to go back and do stand-up again. That's the good thing about... I'm very fortunate, David, because with the ADD, I can't focus on anything between them anyway. So I get to act... Is that true? You were in long series. Yeah, but I get to do different things. Like, even the drama that I was telling you, I was telling you, Orphe when we were eating about my first dramatic... Law and Order. Law and Order. So I get the gig, and this is when it was on network. So I told my mother, and she invites the entire neighborhood, because the episode's gonna air. She made a lasagna. She wore a corsage. Everyone's around. They took the card tables out. The entire Marjean group came down. Ten o'clock, NBC. Then I come on, and I'm playing a pedophile. Silence in the room. The whole thing. Everyone gets up and leaves. My mother calls me up screaming. Why the hell didn't she tell me? I had everyone over the house. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't even bring the garbage cans out. I made your father drag them out to the curb. I don't want people seeing me. It was a gig. So that was my first dramatic acting gig. And the director of that ended up directing an episode of Rescue Me, and I remember them. I said, thank you, man. You gave me that gig. And he said, oh, yeah, the pedophile. The pedophile. I know you. The baby touched it. Was it hard to play a pedophile? Well, I didn't have to do anything, you know, creepy. I'm sorry. Were you hard playing a pedophile? Would you stop it? Another moll joke? This is the day after my divorce. I'm hanging in there. You're hanging. I'm just... You're not really hanging in there. I know. You're crumbling before my eyes. Thank God it's radio. I have a pool of Feldman in front of me with a little microphone. What were you saying about playing the pedophile? I was the Michael Jackson character. So I was like, they paralleled his... That's a little wider than you. Not now. I mean, when he had the surgery, like, I don't have a Peter Pan thing, but he was lightening everything up. So I played that character that kind of... I was supposed to be on Saturday Night Live, but I had the same Michael Jackson's life with that character. So you were a child actor? No, I was supposed to be on, like, a Saturday Night Live show, but I had this thing for the kids and they were trying to convict me. That sounds kind of interesting. You know, I was watching some old Michael Jackson from 84. When he was black? Yeah, I felt guilty. Why? I got the chills. He was so great. Oh, yeah. I went, oh, my God, I'm so... Like, I can't like him. Because of, you know... Yeah. He was black. You know, just the way I was raised. Wait till a white guy steals his music and then you can enjoy it. Right. You can enjoy a black guy. Yeah, that's right. Little Richard. No, Pat Boone. Oh, bring the kids. And how ironic that his last name would be a pejorative for black people. Boone. That's... Wasn't that... It used to be a... No, I think at one time that was. I don't know. Tell us more, Grand Wizard. Is it wrong to like Michael Jackson? I don't... It's the same. It falls into Woody Allen category. No. No. Well, not like that, but it's still that same... You think Woody Allen is guilty? She was the kid. She's casting a new movie. She's casting... Be careful what you say. Well, it's still that I can't... When people... I guess we'll expect more from people when you like people. You take it personally. Right. You know, because they're an artist. You know, you take it personally because you feel emotionally connected to their art. Right. That their behavior needs to rise to your moral standards. So... You're talking about marrying Sun Yi. Yeah. As opposed to the allegations. Yeah, Sun Yi and... There's a certain amount of trust, I think you've got to have a parental trust. But I hesitate to go on with this conversation because I look at your eyes right now. I'm looking at you right now. Don't bring up the family. No, I'm curious. Are you judgmental? I've been accused of being judgmental. Do you think that stand-up comics in particular have very clear divisions of black and white, right and wrong? Race or right and wrong? I think we have our opinions are at... Right. So there are no moral gray areas with us, right? Well, I'm sure... Look, I try not to... You try not to judge. Old spiritual teachings say don't judge. Right. Judgment, you will have an emotional reaction to the judgment. It's not... You can't just see things objectively. Yeah. My rabbi says anybody who judges somebody is an asshole. Right. Okay. The joke is he was judging people who are judgmental. Yeah, I try not to judge other people. That's what makes me better than those fucks. But we have definitely clear opinions. If you're a great stand-up like you are, Yes. You... You have your point of view. You have what's right and wrong to you. Yeah, and the joke either works or doesn't. Yeah. That's the nice thing about stand-up what I like is there is no gray area in the art form. If they're laughing, it's funny. You know, if they're... And if you get to a point... Sometimes you get to a point when if they're not laughing, they're wrong. Right? I have notebooks of that. I have notebooks of things that I said on paper should work. How many times will you tell a joke or do a bit? Hmm. Until you go... Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I get that. Do you let go? I try to let go. But then I'll try and bring it back and I'll say... I know that that joke is saying something to me. I just haven't figured it out. I'm not here. I know that that joke is saying something to me, so it might not be that joke, but it might be the thought behind it. So there's something there. So it'll go in a notebook and when I read my notebooks, they keep coming back. Like in a couple of pages, I'm like, I keep writing if there's something here. The worst is when jokes go away. You have jokes go away on you. Yes. Like they work for a while. You forget why they work. And they don't. My acting coach gave me a great... There's a story, a theater story about... Actor goes to the director. He goes, I used to get such a big laugh when I would ask for the tea. And it's not working anymore. And the director said, because you're asking for the laugh, you're not asking for the tea. Yes. That's great. You're expecting a laugh. Yeah. Yeah. I just make... Put you back into where you need to be to make that joke work. I just realized how I should do my show. What? Well, I... Describe that guy. But that guy? Yeah. It's Pat Harrington. Oh, good. It's Pat Harrington from... What was that? From one day at a time. One day at a time, yeah. You know how, like every show they go, if you're just tuning in... This is David Feldman's show and we're talking with Adam Ferrara. The way I should do my show, if you're just tuning out, you've been listening... You have been listening to the David Feldman show. Our guest has been Adam Ferrara. That's the end of the show. Wake up! You know, just because most people tune out, you know, five minutes into my show, I'm going to start doing that, Alex. That should be my signature... If you're just tuning out. If you're just tuning out. This is David Feldman. This is David Feldman. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yes. Do you still tape your sets? Oh, yeah. And you listen? I do. I listen when I have something new. It's a lot easier now with the iPhone app. I mean, it used to be the mini recorders. Yeah. I used to like the mini disc, because you could put a track mark in and just push your button and go right back to that set. I have cassettes. You do? Alpha Romero. Wow. Caesar's son. What? Caesar's son. Caesar's son? Alpha? Yes. Alpha Romero. Caesar's son. We found the Joker makeup for Halloween every year. His father would fucking yell at him. I've been reading some books about Caesar Romero's son. It wasn't really his son. But go ahead. He wasn't? I don't want to get into that. That's neither here nor there. Does he listen? Does he tune out when he's Caesar Romero? He's not alive? No. I think it's safe if you want to go into it. No. It's private. What was the question, Dave? I tuned out. Is this the David Feldman podcast? I get so much rest when this shows on. So when you get an acting part, do you call a coach? No. I break the scene down. I do my prep, I break down, and I try to memorize the words the best you can. And then I run the scene with my wife. If it's something real intricate, I can call my acting coach. If it's something out of, or I can't figure out what a beat means or what the purpose of that beat is, I might make a phone call. But it's usually me and my wife. And God bless my wife for her patience. Because we were talking, you know... How much prep work would you have to do for one scene? How long the scene is? How many pages is it usually? 12 pages. That's not a scene. That's almost as... An act. Thank you, sir. Usually, it depends on how intricate it is and how you want to run it. But I like to do it if I can get a day or two so I can sleep on it. I always find out I'm better like if the line's going to your head, you do your rehearsal and stuff, and then you sleep on it and get up and run it again. It's usually better. I cast you in my sitcom as my neighbor. Okay. And we're using teleprompters. Really? Yeah. Okay. Brando-like. Hold this card up. I'm Dr. Moreau. And I say to you, you're going to cold-read the part, the scene. You're not even going to know that you're my neighbor. Okay. Could you do it? Could I do it? Yeah. You give me the scene. I'll look at it. No, no. Just cold-reading it off the teleprompter in front of an audience. You could. I could do it. I wouldn't, I don't know how good it would be, but I could do it. How are you? Did you see that woman just, like, look at me? See that? Thanks for turning around for your Feldman. Look at that. That was the... She was looking at the boiled potato. I didn't want to say anything because it meant a lot to him that moment. Was that my image? It was a hungry, homeless woman and his ego just put that through the filter. Like, did she just flash me? You get women to look at you. Women look at you. Women don't notice me. Wow. She was looking at you, not me. She was looking at me but then again, I'm holding a microphone and a gun to my head. It's true. But yeah, so my wife, and we're talking off here to get through my defenses, to get to emotionally where I need to be in the scene. Every character I start with is like a crime boss because that's the... the defense mechanism I have. So you grew up in New York. Yeah. Long Island. Mm-hmm. Long Island is a Native American term. It means near the mall. Isn't Long Island anything but Manhattan and Staten Island? Yeah, it's suburbia. It's suburbia. Yeah. Long Island. It's a big island. And it's like, and your family, like my father's family, they all fought to get out of the city and we all fought to get back in. Right. Because the cool shit was going on there. So when you joke about good fellas, you know, being from a neighborhood like good fellas, is that really true? Yeah. In a pretty much a Scorsese movie. It was, it's pretty much that's... My neighborhood those sensibilities. But were they mobsters? Not as far as you know. Fuck you, that one's Feldman. Eat your goddamn potato. Every, every Italian thinks they got, like my cuss like, you want me to make a call? Who the fuck are you going to call? I'm the most powerful friend you have. Who are you calling? You work for the water company. My Uncle Tony was like, he would stay over the house and he'd be in a bathrobe in the morning. He'd be like, come here. Come here. What? Get over here. You want eggs? What? I'm making eggs. You want eggs? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want some... I'm not making eggs for the whole fucking neighborhood. Uncle Tony, if they know you're making eggs, they're not going to kick down the door with a knife and fork. What a fucking eggs, but everything is like that, David. Everything is, you know, my other uncle would come over to the house and put some down in the basement. Don't go down there for about a week. What the fuck? Everything was like and that's where I have it. There's no communication. There's no black and white. Everything is, yeah, we'll see maybe a couple of things. Everything is a couple of trees. No one really knows. Let me see what I can do. How much is that? I like that. You know, when I went to see a shrink for the panic attacks the first time, I come out and my buddy's like, how'd it go with the shrink? I'm like, he didn't get nothing out of me. I love my mother. I ain't going to roll on her. Fucking animal. Yeah, that's the defense mechanism you get through and the codependency, the family is everything. The family's fucking nuts. Well, hang on for a minute. Are they acting? I, because I'm fascinated by the what? The Kosinostra. Okay. They're acting like they're connected. Yeah. Look, there's a certain amount of what do you need? Look, my middle management, we're not killing anybody, but if something falls off a truck, we're not going to put it back. Let me put it this way. Most of my family does not have to pay for parking. And our garbage is always picked up, whether it is a strike or not. Is it still around or did Giuliani, did they do a good job? I left. I left a long time ago. I don't know. I'm sure I know there's a lot of Jamaicans, Russians, a lot of different. But the Italian mafia, is that kind of done? Not in Italy, but I always, yeah, I don't know. I've been out of New York. I don't know what's what anymore and I really didn't want to find out to be honest with you. Yeah. It's all the values and the cultural, it's what it is what you see on TV. You know, there's always families very important to a fault. You're going to eat a lot. You're going to have a big dinner on Sundays at two in the afternoon and everyone's going to be sleeping on the couch downstairs. Every Sunday at my house a whole family comes over, football's on, we have big ball of pasta in the afternoon and everyone's laying downstairs. Looks like you're feeling. But you will defend each other. How old were you when you did stand up? First time. I'll say 1920. Where? East Side Comedy Club, Huntington, Long Island. East Side Comedy Club. July 13, July 13, 1988. It's an old Volvo. No, I get Boston because of my friendship with Dennis and Lenny Clark. Everyone thinks I'm from Boston but I'm not from New York. But I started in New York. I started on Long Island. I didn't even go into the city because I started on Long Island because I knew that the city you get one chance to make that impression. Right. And Carrie Hoffman who was running at the time was running Stand Up New York gave me the late night spot and I remember that the all the the headliners at that time was like John Stuart and all those guys would do from 8 to 1045 and 1045 I'd go on and I'd host the late night and I had a car and that's why I got so much states people off at the house because I knew that these headliners from the city they needed rides and I would come back and meet me at the improv I'd meet you at the improv and then I would tell the comics where do you live I'd take you to your house where you got to take a cab for so they knew if they hired me I would drop them off and I got a car and I just kept my mouth shut and that's the one thing I got so much great advice from my father keep your mouth shut and your eyes open because you're going to learn by listening and seeing when you listen you learn when you talk wow yeah he's a smart man my father was like a crime boss my father had the he wasn't he had the gravitas he had that gravitational pull when he did kitchens and bathrooms he was a construction business an Italian construction living in New York go on I could see it in your eyes but I remember vividly sitting in his office as a kid I was playing with a pipe wrench and I would sit in a corner and everyone in the neighborhood would come by and give my father coffee and he would light up drinking, have his coffee and go what's the matter and they would just pour their hearts out to him and tell him his problems and he would say here's what you need to do first of all take it easy take it easy life's going to beat the shit out of you Feldman don't help it wow you know so he would give people advice and he was very comforting and he would give people directions and I don't remember consciously you know taking any of that in but now as I get older and since he's gone what do we say your father helped me so much and my father cops firemen whoever could make parole at the time criminals and everyone showed up they were all there they all came out Lenny Clark came in flaming red pants he looked like he walked off a golf course in 1968 and loud and I heard cause I heard a muttering cause there was all these people all these old gindolins and the Italian funeral you get that there's these old women in black dresses crying nobody knows who they are or where they're from and you're always by arranging the mass cards looking at each other going who the fuck are these people I don't know but they need to ride home and I'm not going back to Brooklyn don't know who they are and then there's always one then the drum it's a fucking opera in Italian it's like why I don't know cancer I think that's what did it so we hit this commotion where is everybody and it's Lenny and it was it was like a wave you see the waves part in his landing his red pants I'm so sorry get my mother's giant kiss and just it was a healing energy just came in and then he left it's interesting that you mentioned that when I first became a stand-up comic I started watching it mmm Bobby I saw Bobby Slayton and I thought oh he's the guy at the funeral funeral Bobby's the guy at the funeral and everybody's mind off the sadness yeah and what you describe as Lenny Clark they're you know at a funeral you need the guy to draw attention away from the pain mmm and you know Bobby's the kind of guy at a funeral who will complain about traffic yeah and just go on and on to the point where it's disrespectful mmm and people are going I cannot believe how self-centered this man is he's complaining about suddenly everybody starts laughing and they love the guy they hate him at first mmm for drawing focus yeah and he knows exactly what he's doing yeah we're alive folks we're alive there's traffic yeah that's your problem I'm distracting you from your pain and yeah I did my father's eulogy and my opening line how'd you do killed so yeah I broke up I still break up I mean and this is laughing emotionally I guess I'm still processing we were talking off yeah that doesn't really leave you so my opening line we're all in the church and everyone's sitting there and I got up and priest brings me up and my opening line was if my father was here I know what he would say so this is what the inside of the church looks like and everyone started laughing and the priest's head whipped around and it was it was a strange thing because you say that you can diffuse the energy I think as comics we can that antenna that can read a room and know what needs to be done in a room to calm everybody and I used to I do that quite a bit I have that it wasn't working that day because I wasn't where I needed to be to have my radar working and Lenny came in and did that and I didn't think of that until now but usually that's my job so I guess I guess part of our art form of what we do is part of our emotional state your dad raised in New York Manhattan yeah my dad was my dad was Long Island we used to live in Queens and then the neighborhood was changing and my father says we're getting out of here so we went out the big exodus and we went out to Long Island and that's you know all the the crime boss and all that stuff and my father even told me about because that element was all around us David and he said look kid there is no such thing in this world as easy money anybody comes to you with a plan and makes them easy money they're going to throw your ass under the bus and a lot of those people are in this family it's true every time I thought I won the lottery in show business it never came through or there was a price to pay way too much there's no there's no free it's the it's the middle path as they say there's no like it's surviving the lows of life and show business is worse because and our jobs are very treacherous because our identity is so much connected to our success have you survived the walls bourbon your timing is impeccable so growing up what did you watch growing up when I was well in New York growing up 11 o'clock was the odd couple 11 30 was Gleason Honey Moons and you go to bed but the comedy albums were Carl and Pryor was huge for me I saw Richard Pryor the Santa Monica concert on a VHS you know when you go to those those parties with your family and you pull up and the whole family is there and your mother gives you the warning in the car like now your father does business with these people don't behave like morons so all the adults were watching Pryor and they went to have coffee and I snuck in and then rewound the tape and put it on and it just blew my head off I didn't understand a lot of it but I remember saying look at what this man can do they didn't they didn't introduce him he walked up and just picked the mic up and just started talking which I was just captivated like I said I didn't understand black and white I was a kid but I was I didn't know I wanted to be a stand-up but I was just profoundly transfixed on what this guy could do and that never left me and the pathos he had and just and that's what I wanted to do I wanted to be able to tell stories as a wow that's so different than my experience what because I know Pryor's the greatest stand-up comic whoever did it but I enjoy Carlin oh he's a he's a mechanic yeah I like the mechanics yeah but as a kid to be that sophisticated my inability not to enjoy baseball is my flaw and my inability to not enjoy Richard Pryor was a flaw because I know he's the best but I'm so into words why is it a flaw it's a personal taste no because I think I'm such a rod you know he never brought me my trains that's a homeless guy maybe it looks like Santa Claus let's just say a rustic a rustic from the Edwardian yeah era yeah I'm a joke guy so I like Rodney and Woody Allen oh it's mechanics it's a mechanical but the next level is Pryor well where you cannot and Cosby you cannot you can only imitate them you can't steal what they do right I don't think it's you're a you're a storyteller yeah I want to be able to emotionally connect and move you that's what I how do you know to do that I don't know if you know to do it I think it's just the way I do it it's like it's another level you know that's my that's what I was given in my toolbox you have a different toolbox how come you're the Italian and I'm the bricklayer that's it I'm the one here's a joke here's a joke I don't look at it as bricklayer I have I have so much respect for guys like you and the guys that write for people and because I tried to do that remember when they said we can get 50 bucks with facts and jokes for Leno or Letterman I can't sit with a paper and write 10 jokes I can't work a fax machine so that's why I didn't do it so but you can't I can't do that the cultural things sometimes like they like Jews you know keep the car running right we're not gonna be here for a long time keep the car running that's my cultural that will keep it run聞 towards the freeway if you hear a gunshot take off would help keep the car running close the garage door make it look like a suicide yeah that's it hyram but my my when I started I always thought hate me. You know this is going to hate me. They're never going to love me. Get to another joke. Get to another joke. Just make them laugh. Make them laugh. Make them laugh. I think culturally, you don't feel, you don't come in worried that they're not, I don't know. Well I don't think that that's cultural. I think you need to spend some time in the self esteem room. Yes. The self esteem room. The self esteem room. Yes. I don't know if that, you're coming in with, again, that's your bag of shit, man. I got my bag of shit, too. I got, believe me, I laid down to go to bed at night. That's unleashed the galloping fear. I mean, there's all that shit that goes through my head. But it's how you approach it. Raymond Chandler said talent indicates what you can do. Motivation indicates what you will do. Attitude is how well you do it. So if you're going to come in, then you got drunk and died in La Jolla. But it's the approach. It's how you're going to come at it. You're right, Alex. Wow. Tell me about your dad. So you grew up in New York. I grew up in Long Island. And where are your grandparents from? My grandparents, everyone said, remember when Roots came out and you had to go home and trace your family Roots? And I asked, I go, Daddy, where are people from? Ellis Island. Go to bed. Right. Okay. So they were... We traced our Roots. And then my father would say, we owned him. We owned him. That's funny. I got my dad grew up in Queens, my mom. They all met together. Their world was six blocks long. Right. But your grandparents through Ellis Island? No. I think my mother's, my mother's, my great-grandmother came from Italy. Not believe that. I think it's Naples. My father's family was here. I don't know what generation they came here, but they're all Italians. And my grandfather, on my mother's side, drove a fruit truck in Queens. And my great-grandmother on my mother's side, the one that immigrated, used to, you know, snuff. She had the tobacco snuff, which we found out later was cocaine. Because my grandfather had to go down to the docks to get it. Like, I'll go to the store and get it. They don't have it the one that lives. Okay. She doesn't sleep. Why doesn't grandma sleep? Why does she only have two teeth? She's pretty thin for an Italian woman. Oh boy. Am I gonna get a punch for that one? Nah, she's dead. But yeah, but we didn't, it was cocaine and the fucking snuff. Wow. Yeah. Well, you know, do you realize how much pasta we still have? We haven't eaten? My mother used to make it. My mother, my mother had a pasta machine which she would crank everything out. I remember vividly when I was a kid, my father made this giant table for her. And it used to clamp on the end of a table, this big chrome thing that she would make. Oh, and all the relatives came over and she would sit there. It's like, okay, Lucy's making wine with her feet. You know, all kinds of stuff going on at the house. So, so my, getting back to your question, sorry, the ADD is raging. No, what you just said is what I was saying on the show about a month ago, Ellis Island. It all starts, your father said it starts at Ellis Island because I'm not interested in my roots. Yeah. Well, what am I gonna know? It's Ellis Island. Well, my grandparents, we're here in America and that's it. We left a shit hole. Yeah. Well, don't you want to go back and see the relatives? No. I've never met these people. After, oh my God, then what do you do? Right. It's only a matter of time before I get hit up for money. I'm not going. I don't have to go to Italy for that. I think that can happen here. I've never been, my wife wants to go to Rome. I was supposed to go to Bologna. Have you been to Israel? I've not been to Israel. My wife has. I was supposed to go to Bologna and drive a Lamborghini because the factory's there, but it never happened. But she wants to go to Italy. My wife traveled extensively because she's been all over the world and now she's here. She's like, I don't want to go. I said, I don't blame you. Right. And I think because we traveled so much for our work, the last thing I wanted to do was get on a fucking plane. You know, but I'd love to go see. Well, I want to go to Florence. I want to see the PC Gallery. I want to see that. What would you have? I want to see the Brunelleschi's dome in Florence. When my then wife and I went, she was Irish, is Irish. We went to Ireland and it was going to the Holy Land for her and for me. This is, I get it. This is, it would go to Italy for you be like the same thing, me going to Israel. Like, is it, is it a, I think for the art and for the culture to see, like, you know, because I really like, do you identify as an Italian? I don't really, I think it's steeped in me. I don't know. I don't know specifically what I identify as. I try to just be the best human being I can be for that, that answer is, but I don't really identify as, you know, I'm, I'm this, I'm that. Okay. Hi, how are you? I'm a guy with problems just trying to be the best way through it. But as far as, you know, I'm not going to sit there and defend the notion of being, you know, whatever, whatever that Italian, I'm grateful for the people that I've had and been in my culture and everything, but it doesn't, the values that were steeped into me seem to be universal. You know, be the best person you can be and put out as much energy as you can. But as far as being an Italian, you know, like, you're Italian. Don't go near those mutts, you know, anytime, anything that preaches the other, if I'm an Italian, just by, by identifying as one thing, you're discounting everything else. And I don't like, I don't really like that too much. Why do you hate Gypsy so much then? Those sons of bitches. No. Why? Because the fortune teller, everything she told me is not true. Okay, that's why. Why? You Hungarian mother fucker. I am Hungarian. Yeah, I know. We had this conversation. I know. Well, I'm not Hungarian. My grandparents were Hungarian. And you know what they say about Hungarian? Mm-hmm. Never go into a revolving door with them because they'll come out, come out ahead of you. You know, the recipe for Hungarian chicken catchatory? Mm-hmm. Step one, steal a chicken. That's, hey, paprika and theft. How nice to see you. This has been just the best. Great to see you, my friend. Tell me where we can see you, how we can follow you. Adam Ferrara on Twitter, Facebook. F-E-R-R-A-R-A. So the football, the concussion's going to affect you. No, no, still, still all right. It's the same spelling as the bakery and everyone else. You like the famous bakery? Haven't seen a dime. So I don't think so. But it's, yeah, it's Ferrara on Twitter, Facebook. You played football in high school, right? No, no, no. I played baseball for a while. And then, oh, not now, Helen! I think that woman's name is Helen. Her head just snapped around. I scared the shit out of her in the middle of a salad. I'm sorry, lady. Look at the look of the stain I'm getting from her. No, I never played football. I played baseball as a kid. Did you play high school baseball? I was in the church league. And then I was two, so I was a catcher. And then I was so... A church league? Yeah, same pass. Do you steal second and have to go confess? Do you feel guilty? I was playing off the Woody Allen joke. If you put half of the base you stole into the collection plate, it's okay. Yeah, I played baseball. There's a church league? Yeah, it was a church league. So what was your team? The Cardinals? We were the sinners. No one wanted to play. Yeah, I played and then I was a catcher. And then I wasn't... Mike, I didn't grow fast enough. Well, there are a lot of catchers in the Catholic Church. They're all the older boys. Hey! That was a joke. That's the joke I told you we got. What? I would talk about the Joe Paterno joke that I got in trouble for. What? Well, when they took down the Joe Paterno statue. Yeah. You know, people were saying he was a saint. He wasn't a saint. He turned a blind eye to the molestation of children. That doesn't make you a saint. That makes you a pope. Wow. Yeah, that's a great joke. Yeah, no, I got in trouble for it. Who'd you get into trouble with? The pope. Apparently he follows me on Twitter. Adam Ferrara, thank you so much. It's always good to see you, my friend.