 Hey Psych2Goers, our experiences help shape who we are. But with those experiences comes baggage, unconscious patterns, and beliefs that are sometimes hard to shake off, especially if you're not aware of them. When you enter a relationship, your partner accepts that you have that baggage, and you accept that your partner also has their own problems to deal with. Trouble comes when those unconscious patterns or actions are not seen, dealt with, and are let loose, causing harm to each other and the relationship. With that said, here are 5 ways to unintentionally ruin your relationships. 1. Making Assumptions Do you often find yourself thinking negatively about your partner after they didn't respond the way you wanted them to, or how they usually respond? You might be making assumptions. Once we take a thought or belief as a fact, we start having negative feelings or even negative actions towards our partner that could result in friction and arguments. Making assumptions about those you care about can be toxic, says Madison Fredericks, a licensed professional counselor in an article for Symmetry Counseling. Whenever you catch yourself making an assumption or about to make one, Fredericks suggests asking your partner about the facts and their perspective, clarifying if you still have doubts and owning up to your assumptions if you've made them. This will clear the air and foster more trust and intimacy between the two of you. 2. Unspoken Understandings Unspoken understandings most often than not are expectations of the future or agreements that we think the other person will follow without us saying anything. But if you do not communicate what you expect or what you want the other person to do, they will never know. The second problem is the thought that you can control what will happen. Unfortunately, no one can control the future, so to prevent things from going sideways as much as possible, it's important to talk to your partner. It's also important that you ground your expectations. Expectations or understandings have a very high chance of not coming true. When this happens, it creates negative feelings of unreliability, resentment, anger, and ejection in the person that had them in the first place. The best expectations are to have none at all and to communicate clearly with your partner about your thoughts, wants, and needs. 3. Refusing to Apologize Do you apologize to your partner or others when you have done something wrong that hurt them? According to an article in Very Well Mind, experts say that not apologizing in a relationship is a way to risk losing it. Not apologizing gives the message that you do not care about the other person. It could also be that you aren't apologizing because doing so would make you feel that you're weak or that there's something inherently wrong with you. Not apologizing fosters distrust, anger, resentment, and weakens the bond in the relationship. Apologizing helps repair relationships by getting people talking again and makes them feel comfortable with each other again. A sincere apology lets people know that you're not proud of what you did and won't be repeating the behavior. Apologize sincerely, acknowledge the other person's feelings, accept what you did wrong and what wasn't your fault, take responsibility for what you did, and work to change it in the future. 4. Refusing to Compromise Refusing to compromise can come as a result of past situations in which you give to another person and not get anything in return. Because you felt that you had given in and later did not get anything in return, you might feel resentful and hurt. But communication is the key to preventing resentment and anger when it comes time to compromise. The important thing is that you both feel heard and understood. In turn, it will be important that your partner feels able to do the same and that you're able to listen to. If one partner feels like they're being overlooked, ignored, or not being taken care of, it can create negative feelings that then manifest into arguments or negative actions. Communication and full expression are important in order for this not to happen and to promote openness, vulnerability, and connection. 5. Blaming and not looking at your part in things Do you find yourself or your partner sometimes blaming each other over things? More often than not, we tend to blame the other person and not take responsibility for our own actions due to fear. But taking responsibility creates trust and dependability. When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable. Which in turn encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you. Taking responsibility looks like self-awareness, being able to apologize, accepting that your actions affect your partner, having open communication, being willing to admit things that are hard on them, and holding yourself accountable for your own actions and words. Working through all of these problems takes time and communication. It's alright if you don't solve them overnight. In fact, some of them can only be solved when we unlearn behaviors and patterns that don't work for us anymore. And that can take time. What's important is that you become aware and start on your journey to a better relationship with yourself and your partner. Do you recognize any of these in your own relationships or in others? Tell us in the comments and don't forget to check out our YouTube channel for more about psychology and relationships.