 Family Theatre presents Bing Crosby and Paul Paccerny. From Hollywood, the Mutual Network in Cooperation with Family Theatre presents Deadbeat starring Paul Paccerny. And now here is your host, Bing Crosby. Thank you, Tony LaFranco. Family Theatre's only purpose is to bring to everyone's attention the practice that really must become an important part of our lives if we are to win peace for ourselves, peace for our families and peace for the world. Family Theatre urges you to pray, to pray together as a family. And now to our transcribed drama, Deadbeat, starring Paul Paccerny as Halsey and featuring Marjorie Bennett as Min. The whole thing boils down to this. What do radio programs try to do besides sell things? They try to inform, educate, amuse and otherwise entertain. Well, that's what I want to do with my story. This is the story I want to tell. The way I see it, it's informative and amusing. Well, sometimes I sit up in bed at night, kind of chuckle and say to myself, Halsey, that certainly is an amusing story. I live in Hollywood. Now here's where the education thing comes in. You see, in a lot of places, the minute you say you're from Hollywood, they think you're either a big liar or a big star. Even in a refreshment establishment in Pasadena, a scan 12 miles away, I've witnessed much nudging with elbows and winking of left eyes on stating that I am a resident of Hollywood. Now I don't work in pictures, nor do I work in television or in that other thing, radio. I don't even have a theater connected job and it's the same with a lot of other people who live in my hometown. The people in my story, however, all live in Hollywood. In spite of this, they are all normal, the kind you might expect to find in your own hometown. That is with a possible exception of the woman my story is about. I met her during a coffee break. She was sitting at the counter in the eat joint right next to my gas station. She was kind of a frowsy looking old gal and I figured her as maybe one of the ex glamour girls of the gold diggers of 1932 or one of the mother old pictures. She was just sitting behind an empty coffee cup when I sat down in the empty seat right next to her. Honey. You talking to me? Oh, my goodness, no. The waitress. Oh, excuse me. Honey! Did you call me, ma'am? Yes, I... The other girl will take care of you. This isn't my section, ma'am. Oh, I want a second cup of coffee. The other girl won't give it to me because I'm a deadbeat. Now, I thought maybe you... Oh, sure thing. I guess we can stay on the traffic. You? Huh? You want something? Oh, yeah, yeah. A cup of joe. Right. Pardon me, ma'am. Did somebody call you a deadbeat? No. Then why do you say you're a deadbeat? Because I am a deadbeat. Why do you ask? Oh, no reason. Just curious, I guess. Anything else? Oh, it's all for me. May I have a serviette? Uh, well, I... I don't know, ma'am. If it isn't on the menu, I suppose I can ask the chef. No, no. A serviette is a napkin. Oh, a napkin. Here you are. Thank you. Forget it. You want anything else? Let me know. Oh, a nice girl. Oh, where are you? Yeah, I guess she is. Hey, look, why do you call yourself a deadbeat? Because that's what I am. I usually try to avoid paying for what I get. I don't work. And I don't expect to be working. That makes me a deadbeat. Well, I suppose that's right. Why do you look at me so strangely, young man? Well, maybe I just don't understand. Well, it's this way. I live on a pension. Old age, you know. Uh-huh. And goodness knows it's difficult. It's not very much, you know. So I've heard. Well, I live on a pension, which is a handout in a way. And I don't work simply because there's no job for which a broken down glamour girl is suited to me. Oh, I wouldn't say that. Well, that's what I am all right. But even if there were a job for me, I'm not so sure that I'd take it. No? It's gotten to be a sort of game with me. Oh, all this must be boring you terribly. Oh, no, no, not at all. Don't you have to go back to work? Oh, the gas station? I own the thing. Besides, we haven't got enough business to keep one man busy. Maybe a deadbeat myself before long, you might be able to teach me something. Business is bad? Oh, that's a shame. What's this about making it a game? Oh, warm up your coffee, sir. Well, uh... I believe I'll have just a little more if you don't mind. Oh, now, really? It's simply amazing how these girls keep themselves so pretty in spite of all the hurry and hard work, isn't it? Amazing, just amazing. And you, sir, would you care for a warm-up, too? Oh, no thanks. Amazing how it keeps so pretty. It's a big black lie, but I love it. Come to think of it, it was a lie. I don't think that's right. Not a lie at all. I really think they do a splendid job of keeping themselves fresh and nice-looking. You know, this is very trying work. Have you ever waited on tables? Well, if you were so sincere about it, why did you wait till she had the coffee pot in her hand before you said it? We deadbeats never waste a thing. That wasn't flattery. It was a sincere compliment. I just saved it till I thought it would do the most good to the most people. Well, I can't see anything wrong with that, I suppose. You either have a lot of mature understanding or a very charitable and forgiving nature. Have you got a cigarette? That was the way she looked to me, casting her bread upon the waters and every single slice having a hook in it. I just couldn't figure her out at all. After about a half hour, she looked up at the clock, gathered up a big shopping bag for one of the counter and we left. Well, it was certainly nice talking to you, Mr... A halsey. My friends call me Min. Well, you can call me Bill. Min, is that short for Minerva? No, just a nickname. Okay, Min. Oh, how I dread that walk up the hill. Oh, do you live up on the hill, do you, huh? It's hard enough without a heavy parcel and I don't suppose you have a car. Well, no, not here. I ride a trike to work. A trike? Well, that's what I call it. It's a three-wheel motorcycle. Well, that's it right over there. Oh, yes. I use it when I deliver a customer's car so that I can, you know, have something to ride back in. Well, it's sure been nice talking to you, Min. Just a minute, Bill. Is it very exciting riding a motorcycle? No, not too much. Not a three-wheeler anyway. My late husband always wanted to ride one. You know, when he was younger, he was a lot like you, quite a handsome man. Are you trying to say you want to ride home on this sickle? Well, as long as you've been glant enough to offer, it is quite a hill and with this heavy package. Not just a minute. I remember saying it was nice talking to you, but I don't remember offering you a lift home. Besides, you wouldn't look very dignified sitting up there on that box at your age. It might be fun, though. I believe I'd like it. Oh, look, I can't afford to be running a taxi service, you know. You know, I live in rather a large place, Bill. I get introduced you to some of my friends there. The other tenants, you know. So? When they see what a charming and thoughtful gentleman is operating such a very convenient filling station, they would probably be more than happy to patronize you. More than happy. Okay, men, get on the sickle. Oh, right up on the trunk. That's right. This is going to be quite thrilling. You know, there's really no reason why you should be having trouble with your business. Well, it turns out that men's place is not an apartment house, but rather a home. I don't want to be. Instead, I find myself in a boarding house of which she is the owner. And of all her wonderful friends who would be more than pleased to buy gasoline from such a charming fellow as I, only one has a car. And that turns out to be a 1928 Essex Super-6, which is up on blocks in the backyard due to a slight mechanical difficulty, which is, namely, no engine. Meeting her tenants gave me a rough idea of why the old lady was a deadbeat. There were three of them. There was Alfred Lyons, an unemployed technical illustrator. Well, yes, Omen, I suppose there aren't jobs about, but I'm an artist, you know. Need something truly creative, and really old man doing exploded drawings of aircraft parts. It's not what you call inspiring. Doing it for any period of time could ruin an artist, you know. Then there was Tina, a good-looking and also somewhat unemployed young lady in her late 20s, with a power grapes attitude. If a girl's going to fall in love, she might just as well fall in love with a man with money. Don't you agree, Mr. Halsey? Oh, I had my fling at the picture business, but frankly, I'm glad I didn't make it. In fact, I wouldn't take a picture contract now if they handed me one on a platter. So you're in petroleum. Well, business sounds so much more fascinating than pictures. You married Mr. Halsey? The other tenant was the only one who paid anything. Her name was Mary. Mary writes some of the prettiest little poems Oh, well, I... I write a little poetry, but they don't publish very much of it. I do sell a short story once in a while. Oh, and fine short stories they are too. Mary always pays her rent. Oh, no. Last year, what I paid, you just managed to cover the property taxes. But you more than make up for the difference in the kitchen. The kitchen? Yes. I do all the cooking for the house. I never could get the hang of cooking myself. Speaking of cooking, I'm going to go put the potatoes in the oven. Will you excuse me? Oh, surely. Oh, you're staying for dinner, aren't you, Mr. Halsey? Sure he is. And call him Bill, honey. Oh, now, wait a minute. I don't think I'd better do that. We so seldom have a guest. Now you won't disappoint us. Please. Well, I'm a pretty big eater. Oh, then you'll be right at home with us. Well, then maybe I will. Home cooking might taste pretty good at that. Fine. What kind of a meat dish would you like? It might be nice this evening. Don't you, Mary? Sound all right to you, Bill? It sounds great. Mary, why don't you and Tina run down to the market with our handsome guest and pick up a few chops and things? I'll watch the potatoes. I should have seen it shaping up. Things might have been a whole lot different if I'd followed my natural inclination, which was to put my money in my mouth for safekeeping and run like a deer from the wolf pack. But I didn't. Tina and Mary and I went to the market. And I pushed one of those little go-karts around while the girls about bought the store out and flattered me till my ears turned red. It wasn't until after the shopping picking up the tab for $11.86 and the dinner that my temper really began to catch up with me. A little more coffee, Bill? No, thank you. Go on, now. There's plenty. There should be. I bought four pounds of the stuff. We should have bought some other brand-owned man. I picked it out, Alfred. Sorry, old girl. It's fine coffee. And go easy on that old girl stuff, will you? Don't you like my pudding? You hardly ate a bite of it, Mr. Halsey. It's Bill's meal. No, it isn't. It's Mr. Halsey. By George. Chaps seems to have gone sour. All right, all right. I've been taken and nobody can say I didn't know what to expect. I just wasn't on my toes, that's all. Why, what do you mean? What do I mean? What do I mean? I could have eaten three bigger meals but we just didn't have anything in the house. We just didn't have anything in the house. Boy, and what was in that big grocery bag that Min was toting up the hill? Will you answer me that? Crumpled newspapers. What? That's right, old man. Just a couple of newspapers. Mini gets rides up and down the hill with that baggage. Hasn't had to walk the hill in three years. Now, wait a minute. People see a poor old lady with what looks like a heavy parcel and well, what would you do? Great, Scott. Now I know why they call you Min. It's a matter of fact. That's right. Deadbeat. You are the greatest collection of deadbeat since... I think you'll find the plural of that would be deadbeat, old man. No, he's right. It's deadbeat. I don't care what it is. You people are the greatest collection I ever saw. You're a very rude young man. I'm rude. Now just wait a minute. You really shouldn't include Mary in your name calling Bill. She works, you know. Well, she did as much shopping as Tina did. Well, I thought Tina had the money. Oh, you really shouldn't call Mary a deadbeat, old man. Sickbeat, perhaps? You get that, Tina? Sickbeat instead of dead? Never mind, Alfred. Never mind. May I just ask you why you came here, Mr. Holsey? He was just bringing me hope out of the charity of his heart. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's have a little honesty around here this evening, shall we? Even if it's only for the record, you said you could introduce me to some potential customers and in the position I'm in, I'll try anything. Bill's having trouble with his gas station. Oh, I'm sorry. Rotten luck, old man. Anything we can do? Oh, knock it off. Knock it off. You people can't even help yourselves unless it's promoting yourself something for nothing. Fridge, you've got his there, all right? He has not. Bill, I don't believe any human being likes to see another in difficult circumstances, especially such a fine young fellow as yourself. Oh, stop it. Well, you mean what do you want? Another cigarette? I'm unable to promote your gasoline station. That's an idea. Oh, no, honey, really? No, no, I mean it. We'll take you, for instance, Tina. What about me, for instance? Well, it might be a chance for you to meet some rich young man. What might be a chance? We're working at the station, of course. Are you out of your mind? What? Tina working within striking distance of my cash register? Not on your life. Besides, I couldn't afford any extra help if I wanted it, which I don't. An attractive young lady certainly should help business. Or better yet, two of them. Two of them, just a darn minute. You mean me, men? Oh, I never thought of me doing it, too. I really don't know a thing about pouring gas or changing wheels or things. But you know, it might be fun. How about it, Shum? What kind of a client tell you got? Small, and you're not going to meet any of them anyway. Now, Bill, you can't close your mind to new ideas, you know. But what's in it for us? Nothing's in it for anybody. I keep telling you, I... Please, William, must you monopolize the conversation? But what's in it for us? Oh, bother. We can work out some system of sharing the profits, I suppose. But there aren't any profits to share. Share the profits. And I can rate a guy by the car he drives. See, I have a few poster ideas I can try. By George's gives a fellow a chance to use his imagination. I believe I like it. Now, back off. Back off, everybody. Get this straight. None of you. None of you are going... He is going, old man. He is singular, you know. All right, not a one of you is going to have anything. Get that anything to do with my station. So get that straight. Say it over to yourselves if you have to, but understand it. I don't want any of you around my gas station. Now, tomorrow, or ever. Well, I beat them solidly on that one. When I'm talking about them, that means I got a compromise. I arranged to cut them in on all new profits. But if there weren't any new profits, the whole deal would be off at the end of the month. The next morning, all I had was a new kind of trouble. Tina, the man wants me to put air in his tires. What do I do? Well, there's this little gadget that sticks out of the tire. You just take the air hose, put it on top of the thing, and fill the tire, that's all. But how much air do I put in? Well, I haven't quite figured that out myself yet. Oh, just put enough in so it's as round on the bottom as it is on the top. Oh, well that sounds logical, all right. Is that what you've been doing? Well, that's what I did on the car just driving out now. What's wrong? Who's to know? No, no, no, no. Look, when a customer says he wants water in the battery, he does not mean tap water. He means distilled water. Well, how is I to know? Give me you a hard time, honey. Hi, Tina. Oh, you girls are scaring away more customers than you're getting in. They'll all come back. You watch every single one of them. Not the sane ones. Sure they will. Look. Oh, great, Scott, Tina, where did you get those caps? Off the cars. They come back to get their caps. We sell them more gas. Clever, huh? You can't do a thing like that. That's stealing. Oh, we'll give them all back. Oh, I must have been out of my mind to let you two scatterbrained females within a hundred yards of this place. I don't think you're being very nice. Oh, give me strength. What if you'll only tell us what to do? All right, all right. Look, we'll have night school tonight after we close up. Now, take care of the customer. This one's Mary's. What's the difference? She takes the women and I take the men. Well, both of you take this one. You need the practice. Well, you don't have to get sore about it. Come on, kid. All right. If you'd only tell us what to do. I know, kid. I know. It takes all kinds of people to make a world. By the end of the first day, Tina had successfully bummed almost 200 cigarettes from the customers. Mary had had her feelings heard about 14 times, either by irate customers or by me. And the proprietor of Halsey's gas station was by actual count $39.18 poorer than when we'd opened that morning. We had night school that night and through some peculiar train of logic, which I'm still working on, it was decided that men would come down and lend the girls the benefits of her vast automotive experience. For qualifications, she offered that her departed husband had once owned a Stutz Bearcat. After the night school, I was button-holed by our advertising department, Alfred Lyons. Look at it. A thing of beauty. Well, it looks swell, Alfred, but we can't say a thing like that. Halsey's gasoline is atomically powered. Well, it's simply not true. If you don't like that one, well, how about this one? Halsey's gasoline's got atoms in it. Like it? I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Like the artwork. Very clever. And how about this one? Halsey's gas, good to the last drop. Hey, that slogan, it belongs to a coffee outfit. Oh, they don't use it anymore. Fee's the air, I think. Well, we won't use it till we're sure. You got any more? That's about all. Oh, I have a few ideas, of course. I say, old man, how about lending me your motorcycle tonight? Tonight? I'd like to get started with the posters, you know. No time like the present. Well, wouldn't you do better in the daytime? No, old man, I'd rather think I'd better do it at night. May I have the ignition keys? Okay, it's parked in the driveway, but I still think you'd do a whole lot better with a daylight. I knew something was wrong the next morning, even before I got to work. You see, people who drive cars don't usually line up at a gas station, especially in a town that's full of them, but they were lined up at mine just patiently waiting for us to open up. It was about 2.30 in the afternoon before things began to slow down. I took time out to help Minnie count the take when the guy came in. He says he doesn't want any gas. He says he wants Halsey, and he doesn't look happy. Well, maybe I'd better take a look-see. I'll come along, Bill. This the guy? Uh-huh. Um, what can I do for you, mister? You Halsey? That's right. Miss Lady, is she in cahoots with you? Cahoots? You, uh... Oh, oh, did you lose a gas cap, I bet, huh? Tina! Tina! I don't know what you're talking about with this gas cap business, but you'll know why I'm here when I tell you my line of work. My name's Grunyan. I'm in the advertising business. Well, it's very nice to meet you, but I don't really need any advertising right now. You bet your sweet life you don't, but you just might be getting some in the papers when the sheriff comes into this thing. Sheriff? All I want to know is why you did it. Why I did what? What on earth are you talking about? Do you know, Min? I haven't the faintest. Not the faintest. You trying to tell me you don't know about the little campaign that's been going on for your station? What campaign? Bill, I think you've been the victim of some practical joke. Well, if so, ma'am, it's about the most expensive, and I might say the most practical, practical joke I've ever seen. That is, if it doesn't land you all in the cooler. Look, would you mind telling me what you're talking about? You really don't know, huh? I really don't know. Come on, get in the car. I'll show you. He drove us up Cahuenga Boulevard, which connects with the Hollywood freeway system to the San Fernando Valley. I looked out the window of the car and just sat there in a kind of stunned horror. On signboard after signboard, even on the one's advertising other stations, were little slogans. Halsey's gasoline's got atoms in it. Halsey's gas, the pause that refreshes. Halsey's gas, best by taste test. Halsey's gasoline, the choice of... Hey, look at that one. Where? Too late. Claimed your gas was grown in California and picked at the peak of its tree-ripened perfection. Oh, no, no, no. I really believe you don't know anything about this. Goodness knows. We wouldn't know anything about it if you hadn't been kind enough to bring it to our attention. You haven't seen anything yet. You mean there's more? And we're coming to it now. There it is. That's the biggest signboard in Southern California and the beer company that leases it pays plenty too. You can take my word for that. Thing of beauty, huh? He'd taken the whole signboard with this one and there was no mistaking from whom we had taken it because the original sponsor's name had been only roughly painted out. The sign read, What'll you have? Halsey's gasoline. Finest gasoline served anywhere. After that, Alfred had used a touch of originality or maybe a qualm of conscience because he'd added, Don't drink Halsey's. Use it in your car. I think it's kind of pretty. Well, whoever did it shows he's got talent, all right. Look, sir, you're an advertising man. How much do you think it's going to cost to fix all this? Oh, 10, maybe 12 grand. I might be wrong, though. Don't think anything like this has ever happened before. Well, there goes my business. Tough luck. Of course you might be free and clear legally if you can prove it is a practical joke. Well, I'm afraid I can't. Well, those are the breaks, I guess. Wait a minute, boys. Mr. Grunion, how do you feel about all this? Well, I was a little sore at first, but seeing all these signs again, frankly, I think it's a laugh and a half. Would you happen to know who owns, well, say, the beer company that pays for that sign? Well, I know the lady who's got the controlling interest. What kind of a person is she? Oh, I think she's a pretty good sport. Oh, I see what you're getting at. You want me to knock you down to the lady, huh? If that means introduced, I certainly do. Min, will you please stop trying to fix things? Not yet, Bill. If I have just one more little bit of dead beating to do, then I may be through for life. Here's another one I can't quite figure out. Min talked to the lady all right, and the lady not only thought it was funny, but she sent her own painters out to do the same kind of artwork on every other sign she had in the Hollywood area. But I still don't know who to call smart, Min or the lady who owned the signs. You see, the whole thing caused so much talk, her sales jumped 30%. Of course, we didn't do so bad, what would being able to open two new gas stations, so I guess everybody wound up ahead, and we're all making a living. And you might say living happily ever after. Me, the wife, and Tina and Alfred. But you know, sometimes I wonder, maybe if Min wasn't having more fun when she was just a deadbeat. This has been Crosby again. You know, if you want to build a good brick house, you must use good bricks. For the house can't be any better than the material from which it's made. It's largely the same with the nation. A country is no better than its basic social unit, the family. In a sense, then, you could say a family theater is on the air to build a stronger America, or a stronger nation, because when the members of a family gather together to invite God into the family circle, they're bringing into their homes the wonderful, cohesive force of God's divine love. They are acknowledging the blessings they have received, and they are assuring themselves of God's assistance for whatever problems that might arise. Through prayer, family prayer, we gain help for the problems we have, and the grace to avoid the great dangers of dissension which can build walls between the members of the family. A girl named Rose, who lived in Lima, Peru, summed it up nicely with these words. Let us quietly rely on the assistance of God when danger threaten us, and human help is wanting. For a strong, unified family, family prayer. For the family that prays together stays together. More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of. From Hollywood Family Theater has brought you transcribed Deadbeat, starring Paul Picerni. Bing Crosby was your host. Others in our cast were Marjorie Bennett, Charlotte Lawrence, Alec Finlayson, Julie Bennett, and Herb Vigran. The script was written and directed for Family Theater by Robert Hugo Sullivan, with music composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. This series of Family Theater broadcasts is made possible by the thousands of you who feel the need for this type of program, by the mutual network which has responded to this need, and by the hundreds of stars of state screen and radio who give so unselfishly of their time and talent to appear on our Family Theater stage. To them and to you, our humble thanks. This is Tony LaFranco expressing the wish of Family Theater that the blessing of God may be upon you and your home and inviting you to be with us next week when Family Theater will present Every Good Boy Does Fine, starring Maureen O'Sullivan. Jerry Lewis will be your host. Join us, won't you? Family Theater is broadcast throughout the world and originates in the Hollywood studios of the world's largest network. This is Mutual, the radio network for all America.