 When you're worried about a child or a young person's well-being, can you make things worse by talking to them? That's a question I get asked all the time and the answer in short is probably not. It's almost always better to say something than not to say anything at all. Sometimes you might end up having a conversation which might not go quite as you'd hope. It might be that that young person gets angry or upset. It might be that they refuse to talk to you or they run away. But actually by beginning that conversation, you have let that young person know that you care, that you're not scared of having this conversation and that you are here if they need you. So even if it doesn't end well, actually that conversation has served a really, really good purpose. So please be forgiving of yourself if the conversation goes less well than you think it might. Actually, most times you'll find that if you follow a few sort of simple steps that I'll give you now, that those conversations will generally go pretty well. So the first thing is that your main aim during this conversation is to listen. It's not to talk. It's not to second-guess what's going on with the young person. It's not to fill in the gaps or anything like that. It's just to listen. Your primary role here is to listen. You're not going to fix things. You're not going to necessarily come up with solutions. The main aim of early conversations when you're worried about someone is to let them speak. So they should be doing the talking and you should be doing the listening. The next thing is to employ your best acting skills to try and appear calm and supportive. So I always like to use the analogy of the swan here. You know how the swan glides so beautifully across the top of the water? Actually, what you can't see is the frantic paddling going on underneath the surface. Now that might be happening with you during this conversation. You might have all sorts of different things going around in your head. Perhaps this conversation has made you panic or worry or feel very sad or angry. All sorts of things. But actually, what the young person needs in this instance is for you to be the swan. So you might have to do your best acting skills. You should not be injecting your emotion, your feelings, your fears, your opinions into this conversation. You just need to listen calmly and supportively. So be the swan, even if it means your very best acting skills. The next thing is do not be afraid of silence. Silence is like the therapist's best friend. So in therapy and counselling, we make really, really big use of silence. But it's something that doesn't come naturally to us as humans. And so we find that when we open ourselves up to listening to a young person, that if they don't feel the gaps, we find ourselves compelled to do that. But actually, if we can take a step back and embrace the silence, then usually they'll feel those gaps. The other thing is that sometimes the room might feel very, very empty and quiet to us. And you can't even imagine the tumble we're going by and it's kind of awkward. But for the young person, there's loads of stuff going on in their head. And they're just trying to get their thoughts in order. Maybe this is the first time they've ever had this conversation and they don't know quite how to phrase it. Or they are busy second guessing what you're thinking or what you're going to do next and what's going to happen as a result of this. So there's lots and lots of stuff going on in their mind and they just might need a little bit of space and time just to put that into order so they can package it up in a way that they feel comfortable talking to you about. The next thing to think about is how you can prompt a young person to keep talking. So remember, you're listening, they're talking. But sometimes there are simple things you can do to help that conversation to keep on unfolding. So where possible, you want to help them to expand on what they're saying. So that's making use of open questions. So questions which invite longer answers. Another thing that can be really helpful to do is to summarise every now and then and just reflect back what a young person is saying to you in your own words. So every now and then in the conversation, you'll do this. You'll take what they've said, put it in your own words and just make sure that you've understood what it is they're saying. Those reflection moments are really helpful for a number of reasons. One is that when we put something into our own words and we reflect it back to the person we're talking to, it helps to lock this conversation in our mind. So we don't need to keep loads of notes. We can, you know, bear in mind everything that's been said and we can make notes afterwards. So it's helpful for that reason. It's also helpful because it's a really, really clear way of showing that young person, I'm listening. Hey, look, I even put it in my own words. I'm definitely listening. Thirdly, it's really helpful because it gives a moment when that young person can clarify, perhaps you put it into your own words and no, you didn't get it quite right. That gives them a chance to come back and put you right. So rather than you kind of misunderstanding what's going on, it gives a moment when they can pause and reflect and make some changes to what you've interpreted from what they've said, gives them a moment to kind of clarify. The most important thing, though, is just to listen. And people worry that they don't have time. This sounds like a very, very long-winded process and we think about like, you know, therapy, which can take huge, great swathes of time. But what is more important than the quantity of the time is the quality of the time. So if you're worried about a child or a young person and you want to open yourself to listening to them, to supporting them through active listening, actually the most important thing is that you give of yourself wholly for a few minutes. So there is nothing more important to you right now than them. It doesn't have to be for a huge period of time, be really clear with them what the parameters are. I've got 10 minutes. It's really important to me to hear what you've got to say and you're the most important thing to me right now. Yeah, so be clear that they're the most important thing to you, but yes, you don't have to have lots and lots and lots of time, quality rather than quantity. When you finish the conversation, make sure you agree some next steps. This doesn't mean that you were figured out a solution to this problem. It means perhaps you're agreeing to talk again another time. You're thinking about who else needs to be informed about this. Perhaps you are thinking about some practical things that might help this young person get through the rest of the day or that might support them otherwise in the near future. But do have some clear next steps. They need to know that this conversation meant something that something will happen as a result even if that's just I need to go away and think about this. Let's meet again at the end of the day. Finally, this will have been a super tough conversation for the child or young person you're working with. It might have been really tough for you too, but for them, it might be the first time they've ever had this conversation and they chose you. That's huge. So it's worth acknowledging that. Say thank you, acknowledge this must have been really tough and it means a lot to me that you felt you could trust me. It really matters. Say thank you, acknowledge how tough it was. So there you go. Some kind of general rules of thumb, but then, you know, going back to the beginning there, can you make things worse? It's very unlikely that you will make things worse even if in the initial instant, you feel, wow, that conversation went badly. It still sends a really important message to that young person that you care, that you're there to support them. If it doesn't go well, follow up at another time or perhaps identify another adult who that young person might feel more comfortable talking to and try to engineer a situation where they can provide their support. I hope that's helpful. Good luck with your listening. It really, really matters and it makes much more difference than you'll ever know. Thank you.