 Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Avengers Endgame. I'm Khaleesi Grimes 82. Before I break down this episode, this review, I just want to shout out one thing for you fangirls that haven't seen the film yet. Spoiler! I don't feel so good, Mr. Stark. That's because you're heavy from eating too many spoilers and there's gonna be a lot of them on this episode that I'm gonna regurgitate for you. So if you haven't seen Avengers Endgame, run out and see the movie, come back in three hours and thirty minutes and watch this. The movie's only three hours long but I assume you don't walk outside and the theater's like right next to you. Wouldn't it be awesome though? You're like, honey I'm gonna go to the movies, open the door, open the door to the theater. One for Avengers Endgame please. We're like thirty seconds into this and I already can't stand myself. For those of you that don't know, Avengers Infinity War was the movie that came out right before this one and the stakes were so high they were out of this world. Literally. It's in space. Bottom line is a few Avengers screwed the pooch here. Primarily Star Lord? Who's dead? Congratulations. Just blame yourself. And Thor, who instead of going for the throat like he should have against Thanos, he went for the chest. He went for the breast and Thanos did it best. Erased half of the earth, dead. Instantly turned to Ash, Gonzo. Movie ends with him on his farm, eating some food, watching a sunset, has a scarecrow, he's got some armor out there. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bang, ba-da-boom, ba-da-penis. Here we are, a painstakingly long wait. A year later and we're at Endgame. For those of you that don't know, in Avengers Infinity War at one point or another, Dr. Strange says to Tony Stark, we are in the endgame now. Clearly a nod, clearly a wink to this film and the title that they chose. Did they choose the title after Dr. Strange said that line? Do they have a plan the whole time? Well it is the Russo brothers, it is Kevin Faggy. I think they did. I think they planned this. I think they did and it's great. There's so much to unpack here. First off we start at Hawkeye's Ranch. Remember how I wanted that Hawkeye on the ranch movie? We kind of get it a little bit. He teaches his daughters some archery, some of the boys are playing catch. They're not very good. I saw a kid like straight up miss it like four feet over his head. The kid is garbage. He doesn't have his dad's eyesight. He must have Velma's because his wife in the movie plays Velma in the live-action Scooby-Doo movies and she wears glasses. So kind of a deep cut, but I'm a nerd. I'm a geek. Subscribe. Cool beans. So after he watches them all die, he's a little pissed. Understandably and he goes on a killing spree, mainly off-camera, but he's killing a lot of Asians. Is that appropriate to say that? We get Paul Ageless run back. He comes out of the quantum realm. He was there the whole time. He was trapped inside the quantum realm while the snap happened. So he comes out and it's five years later, meaning his little daughter is five years older. It's insanity and he has to deal with that fallout. It's just it's so heartbreaking. My heart literally broke as I watched the film. True story. They had to rush me to the hospital, which was not ideal because I missed quite a large portion of the film there in the middle. While they kind of like umpty dumpty my heart packed together and the Doc's like we cannot let you leave right now and I'm laying on the bed like on my deathbed. I'm like fuck you! I gotta get back to this movie! So I took a scalpel. I stabbed him in the throat. Blood is everywhere. The nurse is looking. She throws up in the corner. I hop the table. I swift kick her in the face. I Tony Stark flip over the other orderly. Elbow him to the throat. He's down. And as he's on the ground I'm like I guess I went for the head this time and I wink at him then I kick him in the face. He has no idea the context. I put on a doctor's coat. I run out of the building. I got shit hanging from me cords and everything. You know I got one of those sacks of fluid I'm running with. That thing blows open halfway. Another person slips. Breaks their neck. Their dad presumably. I don't care. I don't have time. I keep sprinting for that door and up ahead I see a couple people. They're cops. I think they have guns. I assume they're cops. They could have been high schoolers for all I know because you know school shootings. And they're like stop right there you piece of shit. And I'm like we're in the end game now motherfucker. I punch him in the face. Break his jaw. I polypocket around the guy's waist. Start punching him in the back repeatedly. Like Drax. I'm like he goes down hard. I steal an ambulance. I'm back at the theater just in time for our team to decide. We're gonna time travel. It was great. Everything I know about time travel comes from back to the future one. Back to the future two. Back to the future. Part three time cop. Terminator one. Terminator two. Terminator salvation. Terminator three. I don't know why I'm going out of order. Terminator Genesis. Time machine. Hot tub time machine. Timeline. A time to kill. Jokey. And that one's just says time in the title has nothing to do with time traveling. Tamp on. Did I miss any time traveling movies? Austin powers to awesome powers to my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I almost forgot the best part of the movie. Well one of two best parts. I mean there's so many good parts but these are the two best. Right before my heart ripped in half. I saw on screen what I was waiting for the most. Tony Stark is dying in space. He's in a spaceship. It's been like 21 days. He's weathered. He's skinny as shit. He doesn't look the best. I mean I still probably tap it but he didn't look the best. Out of nowhere like just when all hope is lost. He's hanging by a thread in the middle of space which is like the biggest. No communication with the outside world. Zero chance of survival. Zero chance of being found. He's found by captain Marvel. Yes. And all I'm thinking besides the obvious strong female is holy shit. How did she find him? He must have had like a communication beacon or something up that she could listen to. I don't know what her powers are. Maybe she has the power to like scan the galaxy for a heat signature of a person. I don't know. We don't find out how it doesn't matter. Then she grabs the ship flies right back to earth. How far away was he from earth? How did she get in there so quick? It doesn't matter. We'd then get a riveting scene where she's with the rest of the team. Thor likes her. It's confirmed because she didn't move out of the way and when his axe could have decapitated her because I don't know. Maybe she can't die. Don't know what her powers are. The last thing I remember as I was being carried out of the theater by three or four elderly women is her amazing haircut. They give her kind of the the quasi Mohawk that we saw in Captain Marvel which actually looked pretty cool and they ruined that and made it cooler by making it look fucking ugly as all hell. That's how I like my superheroes to look. I'm attracted. While I was bleeding out in the hospital on the table, all I was thinking was how many more Captain Marvel scenes can there possibly be to make this movie even better? And apparently the answer was none until the way end which is when we get to my second favorite part where she comes back kind of a deus ex machina situation blows up a giant ship takes out a few army soldier guys and she can just fly through people. They don't know where to power is she's like a she's like the sun I think she can just like blow through everything. Like she could have taken like 10 minutes and just wiped them all out quick. I mean come on save us some time here. Now she goes one on one with Thanos. Does a pretty good job of kicking his ass. That was it. Then she leaves. Not before though we get the all female superhero cast lined up slow motion kicking ass. It's not pandering. It's not cringy as all fuck. I wish the whole movie was like that but it wasn't. I liked that the time traveling in the movie it made absolutely zero fucking sense. I also like that people that previously had been seen getting even close to a stone would melt or like instantly disintegrate Guardians of the Galaxy one I believe and now we just have Hawkeye carrying it around like he's tossing in the air he might have put in his mouth at one point shoved up his ass at one point doesn't matter you can do whatever you want with these stones pop him off the arm flip him around the lack of consistency is what makes this so palatable like an Avengers one when Loki came to earth with all of his bad dudes the Chikara or whatever they're the Jupacabra or whatever they're called to rain Hellfire down on the cities and Nick Fury says okay we have to assemble this team this ragtag group that I've gotten together starting of course with the first Avenger got the Marvel but he forgets to call her for some reason doesn't mention her to any of the characters he's just like keeps her in his back pocket save her for later I guess when the next time that the earth is on the brink of destruction but then he doesn't use her later either in Age of Ultron or Civil War or any time at all she's just not not on the radar just like a be all end all situation sort of a thing I guess even though they were be all end all situations consistency is great I love it I love that we included this character last minute it's like introducing Superman to the DC after like 17 films have gone by and he's just like yo I can do everything and I'm here now I'm not going to say anything bad about Disney because I'm contractually obligated not to I'm a little upset what happened my black widow a little upset I happened to my Scar Joe he's killed by my Prince Hawkeye self-sacrifice of course because she's a princess and I love her but I'm so stupid I'm not going to do it move on Khaleesi move on needless to say I was a bit emotionally drained when when black widow died they show her like freefall to her death and then Hawkeye's reaction I'm like okay come away now and then they show her body like smashed to the ground and blood got this upset seeing the struggles that our team went through was excruciating for me okay that's the bottom line I let's talk about the fun stuff okay tons of tons of callbacks capping versus capping okay I can do this all day and they're kicking ass they're throwing the shields and oh my god I masturbated like three times in three minutes like a minute of masturbate it was like boom done boom done out there we see Loki again we see Gamora she's back it's not the same one though so she and star lord have some catching up to do it's to say the least we get one scene with them it's really touching she kicks him the balls twice uh I mean it's funny um it was a little oddly time because they're in the middle of a war there's like a battle destroyer that shoots like lasers and missiles down and they throw up some shields and I don't think anybody died nobody died they all lived like missiles come down all the time and everybody lives like Hawkeye is like just an irregular you know some leather he's got a bow I mean I know I know they're superheroes but could you put on a fucking Iron Man suit it really makes no sense at this point like Tony is not the only one I can wear it his wife's in one Pepper Potts is in one throw a fucking Iron Man suit on Scarlet Bucky's just got a machine gun and a metal arm he's like uh I could use a little little help here I could maybe throw out a Black Panther suit or an Iron Man suit or whatever you have lying around I love seeing Mantis again I'm sure she was super helpful in the war what the fuck would she have done there that's like throwing Peter Parker's best friend in the war what's he gonna do like he just like pulls out a computer starts typing on the keyboard he's playing Fortnite because that was a fun little easter egg in the film fat Thor was lit the big Lebowski the big Thor Bowsky come on he was awesome I love that they used him the whole film and not just for a joke for one scene yes scientific hawk oh my god look at that hawk subscribe he was everything infinity war sets this character up perfect because Tinos kicks the living shit out of Hulk Hulk is scared he runs away like a little bitch remember I talked about this in my previous Avengers episode I don't want to fight Thanos is mean to me I'm scared of him and so this was the perfect opportunity to see Hulk finally Hulk out it's been since like the first Avengers where we really saw him powerful and kicking ass this was the time to shine and they didn't which I love which is great subverted my expectations of what I wanted gave me a scientific punchline instead awesome Rufalo's really done wonders with this character over the years he's definitely the strongest part of this team who else is just a tad excited for Asgardians of the galaxy come on old captain america coming back he got to be with his bride he got to be with his best friend live a life together it was beautiful it was touching and he gave his shield away he passed on the badge of honor the new captain america goes to falcon the guy who has a quasi ironman suit but is still very much open to be shot because there's not metal surrounding him it's like you're half in just go all the way get an ironman suit you know whatever he's got a shield now it's cool bucky's in the back like just a tear trickles down like thanks dick oh my god I almost forgot about that best fucking part captain america picks up the hammer yes Thor is is fighting for his life against Thanos and he's got him on the ropes like Thanos is like i'm fucking gonna kill you with your own axe that's how much of a bitch you are now even though last time you were like badass now you're a bitch again and he's pushing it to his chest Thor is like oh i used to be so much cooler in Ragnarok and then out of nowhere hammer hits hang nice in the face and then you're like waiting for Thor to bring the hammer back but he goes captain america grabs it dun dun dun dun dun he's like and he can control lightning he's like a god of thunder now so captain america's kicking ass he somehow knows how to use the the hammer better than Thor does even though Thor is like thousands of years old or whatever it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it was awesome thinking about anything in this film for more than like a minuscule of a second will kill you your brain will blow out of the side of your ear literally and i know because that happened to me right after i'm gonna try cottage can you just cut that i'll do it i'll do it again i can do this more professionally right after tony stark died right after he died my brain actually blew through my ear because i was thinking about all the time travel stuff and how none of it really made any sense at all and so you know i'm like i can make it through the end of this movie and i'm like pushing the brain back i'm like trying to get it in there and like just a little bit longer and they're dragging me out these old hags are dragging me out i'm fighting them up they were the same ones that took me out before and then i managed to hit one in her false jaw and she falls down probably dead i mean she's old she was already on life support as it was the other three though they got me out the golden girl's blanche you know throws me into her car her old geometro they drive me to the hospital i have no idea what's going on i presume a funeral is happening in tony's name they're gonna probably put his chest heart thing out on a wreath throw it out there we'll see the kid from iron man three in the crowd captain marvel of course on the steps by herself stoic as fuck i want to put a baby in her but i bet if my penis got even close to her it would melt away because she's made of the sun i think i don't know what she's made of i don't know where her powers are can she die it's a matter as my brain's lying on the table and the doctors are pissed at me because this is the same hospital and i put like five people in the morgue already they are just screaming hysterical so after a few minutes of lollygagging i finally he does like three flips into a bunch of stethoscopes i don't know why they had like a bunch of stethoscopes in a case there although i did i was wondering like where do they get the stethoscopes i drag myself back to the theater in the auditorium up the chairs there's like a like a pool of blood behind me someone's walking out to get popcorn slips breaks his arm he's out there like and like get over it dude why are you leaving right now there's like four minutes left of the movie and i'm happy to say i thought it was great i loved it i thought it was great i loved it i'm gonna go see it again and then probably like six or seven more times actually i think i'm gonna see it three thousand times because that's what tony stark said to his daughter through a hologram that he pre-recorded because he died cringe cruise sound out in the comments let me know what you thought about avengers i thought it was the best movie yet in the mcu universe they just keep getting better and i want to see the all-female spin-off i want to see a mantis movie i'd like to see her perspective during that war honestly i'd love to know what she did thanks for watching everybody and now excuse me while i daydream about captain america's ass a little bit longer it's america's ass can you imagine my my khalisi grinds it down it's it's funny it's fine nerd alert i'm super pumped to talk to you some more so make sure to subscribe to the cringe which is at adam does movies on youtube you can check out more of the cringe if you like what i'm doing and i think you do take care it's like i'm leaving but i'm not