 The Anderson family is my cousin and I see nothing wrong and you're taking her to the symphony. Nothing wrong? Have you looked closely at her face? I know darling. She's not as young as she was. She's still trying to act as young. Well, I don't care to discuss it any further. I told her I'd have someone escort her. Not me. What's wrong with that goon she's been going with for 20 years or more? Well, they had a little spat his all. You probably saw her with her makeup off for the first time. Oh, Oliver Anderson. Well, uh-oh. Here we go again, folks. Now let's visit the Anderson family. Well, this whole thing started when Mary's spinster cousin cried on Mary's shoulder and told her that Phineas Pilstin, her boyfriend, had refused to take her to the symphony. Mary hates to see anyone in trouble, so she reassured her cousin, patted her on the shoulder, and agreed to get her an escort. Oliver doesn't know about this yet, but he will in one moment, for right now he is coming up the front walk and greets Junior. Hi, Junior. What are you hunting for? Hunting. I'm hunting flowers for cousin Myrtle. Hi. I see. Myrtle. Is she here? Yeah. And she feels awful, Pop. That's nothing new, is it? Well, no. But this time she has something to feel awful about. You mean she found her engagement ring was brass? No, not that. But her boyfriend has turned her down. Oh, well, can't be very serious. I'll go on in and have her laughin' in five minutes. She doesn't want to laugh, Pop. She just wants to cry. Okay. Maybe I can help her out on that, too. When you get those lilies cut- Uh, daggers. Yeah, whatever they are. When you're through, come on in the house. Okay, Pop. You're right with you. I don't think I'll ever love another man. Phineas was so kind. So thoughtful. Oh, yes, I know. I wonder why Oliver doesn't get home. I gave him the best 22 years of my life, always at his beck and call. Myrtle, please, dear, don't take it so seriously. Please? And another thing, Mary. Oh, excuse me, Myrtle. I think Oliver just came in. Is that you, Oliver? Yeah. We have company, dear. Yeah, I know. You lucky girl, Mary, having Oliver for a husband. You mean I'm lucky to have been married? Well, well, well, cousin Myrtle, I haven't seen you smiling like this for ages. I'm not smiling, Oliver. Oh, come now. The last time you were over, you were just personality itself, full of the old pep. I was? Uh, I mean I was, huh? Yeah. Well, Oliver, I don't feel that way today. My heart is broken. Oh, well, it's nothing to worry about. Uh, Oliver, would you help me a bit with dinner? Huh? I'm late and I know cousin Myrtle will want a rest. You'd just go on like I wasn't here. Don't let me spoil your happiness. Even though I have very little, I like to see other people happy. Well, the paper is right there, Myrtle. I don't think I'm well enough to read, Mary. Well, you might get Junior in a game of ping-pong. You're going to have to do something with Myrtle. I am. I mean you're going to have to find someone to get her to take her to the symphony tonight. She has tickets and no escort. Well, that face, she doesn't need an escort. Oh, that's enough of that talk. There's nothing wrong with that face. She's a lovely girl. Now, wait a minute. Girl is out. That's the word that's been kicked around at all camp meetings. Well, she's only 46, Oliver. Yeah, but those depression years didn't do her any good. Regardless, I told her I'd see that she had an escort. She has to be there to present some medal or something. That's fine. Now, all you have to do is find an escort. Well, I'm depending on you for that. Oh, no, not me. Just a minute now, it's merely a case of taking her there and bringing her back. Back here? Well, she didn't say, but I... I was talking to the wrong party, Mary, but I'll do this for you. I'll try to find her an escort. Oh, you know how particular Myrtle is, Oliver. Well, now, look, if the escort is particular, she'll have to stag it tonight. Who did you have in mind? Oh, well, I thought I'd ask Homer Meister. Oh, no, not Homer. Well... Martha would pass out, Oliver. Oh, Martha's too broad-minded for that. I'll run over and ask him. Well, it's not right, Oliver. Well, it's Homer or else. He'll come through. Oh, look, Homer. I don't see no need of you going down to the corner and hanging around just because you got a new sweater. Oh, that ain't the reason. I've been tied down too much. I don't get out and get around like a father should. Well, there's lots you can do right here at home. Nope, I'm going, Martha. A father's got to be seen around down then. You coming home early? Well, I might. And then again, I might go way downtown. What do you know down there? Oh, nobody. Well, just remember this. I got the same right to be seen around as you have. Ain't nobody stopping you, is there? Someone at the door. Oh, go get it while I tie this tie. It's Anderson. Yeah. Come in, I guess. Oh, thanks, Martha. Gee, you're looking nice tonight. What do you want to borrow? Borrow? Well, nothing. Just dropped in to see Homer. Well, you better see him quick. He's going downtown. Hey, hey, neighbor. Come on in, Oliver. Well, well, well, what the best dressed man should wear? Hey, aren't those pants new, Homer? Yep, yep. So is the coat. Gee, hey. Match that yellow sweater perfectly. Yeah, you like them, huh? Sure, for a change. What do you want with Homer? Yeah, yeah. What's up, Oliver? Oh, nothing much. Had just one ticket for tonight's symphony, and I thought Homer might want to go. Alone? How many do you think they let in on one ticket? Hey, let him finish, Martha. Dagnabbit. Hey, you know, I like good music. Oliver? Well, that's fine. Then you're in. How come you got only one ticket? Why? Hey, Martha's got a lot of stuff to do, Oliver. Suppose we run out to the garage, and then we won't bother Martha. Come on, Oliver. Now wait, Homer. Hey, you're saying the ticket's good, Oliver? Whoa. You heard what I said, Homer. You know, it's been a long time since I heard classy music, Oliver. Homer? I think Martha wanted to speak to you, Homer. Yeah, yeah, I know. She just, imagine, got two tickets. Well, maybe she could just go on over to my house, and you can meet the part you're going with. Yeah, whom I'm going with? Cousin of mine. Oh, do I know him? It's her. Her? Oh, now wait, Oliver. Oh, now don't start to apologize. She'll like you. Nope, nope, not me. I'm a married man, Oliver. Got one of the finest women ever seen. Hey, how old is this girl? Old? Oh, I'd say in the neighborhood of 45? 45, eh? Eh, is she hefty? Well, no, I'd say around 140. Well, how come she wants to go with me? Well, she has to go with someone. I don't want a lady to go to a symphony without an escort. Well, well, no, it ain't hardly anything to do, of course. You love good music? Yep, yep, I do. Don't I? You'll have a fine time, Homer. She's a lot of laughs. Lot of laughs, eh? Yeah. Hey, how do you mean that? Oh, nothing personal, Homer. Just jolly is all. She'd probably think you're all right. Uh, nope, Oliver, taint right. I shouldn't go. No, no, no, wait a minute. Now, look at it this way. Here's this lonely girl. Everything is platonic. Oh, it is, huh? I sure and Mary could think of no one whom she'd trust with Myrtle like she would you. Oh, she couldn't, eh? Nope. Well, of course, I'm a dependable girl. She just wants someone to take her to the concert and she gets home unmolested. Yeah? You know, a pretty girl appreciates an escort with finesse and class. One who understands music. That's why I thought of you. Oh, you did, eh? That's your stuff? Come on. Yeah. Well, I guess, Martha, you would understand. Of course. And I sure like good music. Ah, that's the way to look at it. And I'm helping out a neighbor. And I appreciate it. Nothing wrong in it. You can't see what it'd be. Uh, well, okay then. I'll do it. Good. Oh, hey, you say she's 45, eh? I don't remember meeting Mr. Pilston, your boyfriend. No, Junior. He dislikes meeting people. Something happened in his early life. He just doesn't like to bring it up. Well, you'll meet him someday, Junior. Yes, I must bring Phineas over. He's fond of children. Is he tall? Rather, he's distinguished looking too, but he has a terrible temper. He doesn't know his own strength when he's aroused. You don't mean he's violent, Myrtle? Only when he's angry, Mary, but he's so sweet when he's happy. By one time, I merely walked to the drug store with a neighbor gentleman, mind you. Merely met him on the street, and Phineas almost got three years. But they couldn't prove he had brass knuckles on. Oh, Junior, dry those few dishes for Mommy, will you, dear? Ah, I get it. Here's all over now. Uh, come on, Homer. Take your hat off. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why, Homer, isn't that a new suit and sweater? Yep, yep, it is. But there ain't no reason making fuss over it. Taint the fuss suit I've had. Oh, howdy, Gal. Gal? Oh, I'm sorry, Homer. Meet my cousin Myrtle. Myrtle, this is Homer. I've heard so much about you. Yeah, I got a good report on you too, Myrtle. Oh, my. Where has this man been all my life? Never mind that. He's consented to take you to the symphony tonight, Myrtle. Hey, uh, Oliver. Uh, I just thought it's... I don't just see how I'm going to... Oh, come on now, Homer. It won't take but a minute for Myrtle to get ready. Will it, Myrtle? Oh, my goodness, no. You hold him till I... Are you getting a break, Homer? See where the lady wearing a fur coat? Yeah, yeah, I know. But you kind of misrepresented, Oliver. Huh? Boy, if I had a face like that, I'd nail a board over it. And she ain't gonna see no 45 again. Oh, no. Honest, Homer, she's just 45. And jolly. Well, I know it ain't gentlemanly, Oliver. And, of course, I agreed to do it. You did. But you didn't mention nothing about... Oh, boy, about that face. Well, now... And the fur coat ain't coming up that high. Why, Homer, beauty's only skin deep. It's the personality that counts. Oh, Tizzy. Mm-hmm. Well, all right. Well, wait till I see how she looks in the fur coat. Shh, shh, shh, here she comes. There didn't take long, did it? Why, Marta, you look lovely. Well, I do try to keep myself up. Ready, Pop? That's you, Homer. Me? Yeah. Oh, brother. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I just been thinking... Oh, come now, Hobart. Hey, that's Homer. Oh, yes, Homer. Yeah, Homer. You've made me forget my whole miserable day. All I see is happiness ahead. Ahead, eh? Well, of course, this is only for the night, you know. Oh, of course. Oh, well, we'll be back early, Mary, unless Hobart has some other plans. Ha, ha, ha. Oliver. Uh, we'll be Homer-y, believe me. Happiest I've ever seen, Myrtle. And the unhappiest I've ever seen Homer. Oh, I'll get it, Oliver. Probably Homer down the bus stop without his fare. Yes? Mary Anderson speaking. Hello. This is Finneas Philston. It's precious there. Precious? Oh, yes, of course. Myrtle. Well, no, she, uh... Oh, I'm angry. Oh, come now, Finneas. The world doesn't stand still. Myrtle must go on. Don't let me... To her about that. Good evening. Finneas? Right. Angry as a hornet. Good. Let him see she can get another man, and he'll hang around all right. Jealous is a wonderful thing. Oh, but he's angry, Oliver. So am I. I don't see why we have to always be caring for some of your wandering relatives. Well, this is what you wanted, isn't it? Well... Alone? Quiet? No one to bother you? It doesn't seem natural. At least Myrtle's gone for three hours. Now, it was nice of Homer to go through with the deal. What else could he do? Ah, boy. Oh, who is it? Oh, Mary! Mary, the awfulest things happen. Let me sit down. Give me some water. Give me some water. Goodness, sit down. Oh, what is it, Myrtle? Oh, Mary, it's Homer. You mean Homer. Oh, what's wrong with Homer? I don't know. Just as I was helping Homer on the bus, Finneas rushed up and... Oh, no, no, no. Where's Homer? I don't know. Sidewalking! I screamed and ran home! Now back to the Anderson family. Well, Oliver Anderson persuaded Homer Meister, a neighbor, to escort Mary's older cousin Myrtle to the symphony. Homer started out alright, but met up with Myrtle's boyfriend, Finneas Pilston, at the bus stop. So far no one has found Homer, and Myrtle is still determined to go to the symphony. So it looks as though Oliver will have to do it. But Oliver, Myrtle is sorry about everything. Did that help Homer? And Myrtle must be there to present that medal. It's our big moment, dear. Well, I asked Shulks, and he said no. I asked Chapman, and he said, Are you kidding? Shh, here she comes, Oliver. Well... Mary, already late! Look, why don't you phone it in, Myrtle? The men around here don't want to cooperate. But you can do it, Oliver! Myrtle! Yes, dear, that's right. Now run on, get your coat. And I'll put on a little makeup. I don't know where she's gonna put it. There's no room on her face for any more. Oliver, please do this for me. I know how you feel, but it's one way to get her started. Oh, all right. This is doing my reputation no good. Oh, who's going to see you? After all, she does look nice. Okay, I'll go. But I wish I knew what happened to Homer. Well, I'll find out for you while you're gone. Now hurry, dear. Homer! If this guy's still in the leap and mood, he'd better look before he leaps. I don't like him just because he's connected with you. Well, I told you he had a temper. Don't see a bus coming yet, Oliver. Well, look, Myrtle, pull that fur up around your face. It's night air, you know. It's all of it. Is that man looking at you? What man? That smart-looking man there by the drugstore door. Oh, yeah. I see him. Oh, hi, Freeburn! Why, uh... Yes, excuse me, just a second. Mr. Briggs, fine fellow. Of course, go right ahead, Oliver. Well, what's on your mind, Briggs? Uh, I don't seem to recognize the young lady. Oh, young lady? Why, it's Myrtle. The stranger out here, uh, isn't she? Why, uh... Yeah, well, the first time I've ever been out with her. Of course, it's... It's not a bad business, but, uh... I chew kind of close to Hobart, is it? You mean with her? Yes. I was going to suggest. I'm going right downtown on the bus alone, and I'd like... Briggs, Briggs, you're a lifesaver. She's taking the bus, too. Say, do you like symphony music? I adore it! That's swell. You want to go with her? I... It all depends. Of course, she's an attractive little creature. Well... And for a coat and all. But, uh, has she got the ticket? Yep, she's paid for it. Come on over. I'll introduce you and then I'll bow out. You're a thoughtful person, Anderson. Oh, well... I'll be happy to do the same for you someday. Well, thanks. I mean, uh, that's all right. Come on. Oh, uh, Myrtle, it's an old friend of mine. Free band, Briggs. What'd she say? Uh, nothing. Uh, keep her up, Myrtle. But by goodness, she has a dibble, too. That's just the bottom part of it. I can't see you so well in this light, but you're a fine-looking lady, Myrtle. Everyone's so kind to me. Uh... What's happening now, Oliver? You're going to sneeze again. Uh... Two! Can't you see? Hmm... What's wrong, Briggs? Could I speak to you just a moment, Anderson? Uh, yeah. Excuse me, Second Myrtle. Say, is that her own face? Well, sure. What's wrong? I'm not taking the bus, Anderson. But she has tickets, Briggs. Not for me. I have to keep up a certain amount of prestige. Uh... When she sneezed, that was the last straw. That's Oliver! Well, let it go. There'll be another one along. So, seeing how things turned out, I've been you a pleasant good evening, Anderson. Now look, Briggs. I'm seated up, Anderson. Pointy-tokey, that little pipsqueak. Oh, I just know we're going to be late, Oliver. Well, the bus runs every 10 minutes, now don't worry. Remember, I'm just helping you out. Uh, keep that fur up around your face more. Well, I can't see anything if I do. I know, and no one will see you, either. What's that, Oliver? Nothing. Uh, wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. Here's Slim Slipnickle coming. Oh, excuse me just a minute, will you, Myrtle? Don't leave me standing here alone for long. It's embarrassing for me. For you, huh? Hmm. Hi, Oliver. Uh, hi, Slim. Where you going? Well, I take the bus downtown and, uh, look over the ladies. I see. Uh, I think Mrs. Anderson you're with, is it? Uh, no, no, it's, uh, Myrtle, just a friend. Uh, how do you do it, Anderson? Oh, you know, fella has to do this sort of thing once in a while to make his wife happy. Yeah, uh, to what? Uh, look, Slim, uh, how'd you like to hear a symphony tonight? Uh, you mean music? Well, yeah, and a score of lovely ladies. Well, of course my check don't come till tomorrow. She has the tickets. Well, that'd make a difference, of course. Hmm? Hmm, cute looker, too. Sure dressed up good. That fur coat. Oh, you like her. She's jolly. Well, of course I don't want to cut you out. That's all right, Slim. She'll understand. Come on over. The bus's all over, hurry! Uh, oh, wait a second. What's wrong? Everything was all right. She stepped under that streetlight. Well, now, just a minute. You made a bargain with you. Liggle my arm, Anderson. Don't insult the woman walking out. I know you don't like me, but I didn't think you'd carry it this far. I just want to introduce you to the woman. Concert, wasn't it, Oliver? Yeah. Oops, it's Oliver. Huh? Oh, oh, uh, look, Myrtle, go on in. I have to see someone. Just one humiliation after another. Well, what's wrong, Homer? What happened? Well, uh, lots of things. Hey, Phineas. Phineas? Now, now, wait, Homer. I'm a relative, you know, Phineas. Your baby had been mating for you, Anderson. Well, now look. And Homer has told me all about it. Just a minute now, Phineas. I was just doing her a favor. And you, too. I don't want any arguments. Oh, shut up. Well, yes, it ain't no argument at all, Oliver. Not at all, no, sir. Well... Now, look here, Phineas has acted real nice, like, since I went over him once lightly. Well, Homer. Now we're friends. Friends? Yeah, sure. He saved me from going with her, didn't he? Yeah, that's right. Well, I think we should clear this episode up completely, Mr. Anderson. That's what I want. I love Myrtle. That's your baby. With a love that's all enduring and strong. Of course, that's your privilege. And I'm the type who never does things by half. I will fight for her. I'll fight anybody. Wait a minute. You should let go of my coat now. You don't have to fight me. As much as I don't like you, Anderson. I would rather have your cooperation than any satisfaction I might glean from wiping off the pavement. Well, now just a minute. Wait a minute, Phineas. I'm not worrying about you doing that. I'm worried about whether you can get her to leave with you. Well, now look. I'll tell you how I handled the situation like this when I was young, brother. Oh, cut it out, Homer. This babe says to me, Homer, she says... That's not helping us, anyway. And I, I right away smelled a mouse. There's something beside a mouse who's smelling this whole thing. Oh, now just a minute. I'm, I'm finishing this story. Yeah, but is it helping Phineas? That's what I'm appointing out. This babe I mentioned, she come to North Plantsy. Wasn't, nobody can make a date with her. Real true blue, huh? True. Are you kidding? She was about as true as her $2 cornet. Well, sir, I said... Oh, look, Homer. ...marshup, will you? Quiet. Well, sir, this girl had a profile like a stack of wheat cakes and a fur coat. No, wait just a minute, Herr Homer. You're speaking pretty close about someone near and dear to me. And I'm getting mad. Look out, Phineas. Fighting mad, I might forgot now. Okay, okay. If that's the way you want it, Phineas. Here, Oliver, hold my sweater. I'll not. Homer, cut it out. You hold my jacket, Oliver. I'll fight her. Wait a minute, Phineas. Nothing is going to be gained by challenging Homer again. This all dissolves down to one thing. Do you love her enough to see her at breakfast every morning? Well, for years, I have worshipped her from afar. Oh, it's safer that way. Every waking moment, she's been on my mind. Well, have you ever told her these things? Well, no. Do you think I should? She wouldn't think me giddy. Giddy? Well, sir, brother. I don't think so. Are you Homer? Well, it's all in how you do it, Phineas. You got to look right into her face. Homer, look now, it's going a little too far. I think the sensible thing to do is just put your arm around her and look the other way. The other way? Yeah. Well, is there a special reason for that? Well, Phineas, yeah. You wouldn't want her to see your lip quiver, would you? By golly, I think you're absolutely right. Well, sure. I've been a fool. All these years, I've been afraid of a woman. Well, I know a lot of other fellows just like you. Now, you go on in, Phineas. Sweep her off her feet. By golly, I will never forget you for this, Anderson. Good. They will. How do you mean that? When you see us together again, we will be husband and wife. Well, good luck to you, Phineas. Just go on right in there. You ain't doing that guy a good turn, Oliver. That's the way you want it, Homer. If they get married and settle down, then she'll stay home. You know, I kind of feel sorry for him, Oliver. You feel sorry for him? After what he did to you? Did to me? Yeah. Why, he didn't do nothing to me. He didn't? He took me by surprise at first, but I kind of run him down that back alley at the drugstore. Well, you're pretty fast out on your foot. Yeah, and I whopped him good with my knuckles right off his nose. Yep. Backhanded him. Yeah, yeah, backhanded him. Then he'd give up. He'd give up, huh? Yep, yep. Just couldn't be mean to him, Oliver. What'd you do? Run him? Well, he winded him? Or what'd you do to him? Oh, I punched him right in the belly. Yeah, several times. Hey, but look, Oliver, look what he saved me from. Well, I guess I owe you an apology, Homer. You don't owe me nothing, Oliver. It's a thing like that that makes me appreciate Martha, you dag nabbit. Well, then it wasn't a total loss. Nope, toward, Oliver. Finneers promised me that after he married Myrtle and moved into her house. Oh, yeah. He said he'd give me all the cement work in the patio. Well, now, that's reciprocation for you? Yeah, dog gone, nice one. I'm back here, Homer. I guess I'll go in and see the courtship of the Mastadons. I hope I'm not too late. Oh, Oliver. Huh? I'm the happiest girl in the world. Hello. Finneers promised to get the license tomorrow. And when do we get married? Oh, I'm so thrilled. Well, as well. How about you, Finneers? Oh, I'm just so proud of you. She's so happy. Oh, good. Come, come, my sweetie. Let us go out in the moonlight. Where we can be alone? Huh? Oh, Finneers. You do care. Yeah, I do. Come. Let me carry your pocketbook, sweetheart. No more heavy work for my little pet. Nice. Good night, Mary. Good night, you two. Well, I hope you're satisfied, Oliver. They're happy, aren't they? That bans up to no good, Oliver. He's a man. That's all Myrtle has ever done. That's not true. Well, at least we accomplished one thing. She won't be coming over here so often. Poor Myrtle. Poor Myrtle. She's never been so happy in her life. Junior, what are you doing up? I couldn't sleep with all that noise. Well, I've gone now. What was Cousin Myrtle crying about, Mom? Because she's happy, Junior. Happy? I'm crying about it? Well, gee, I don't get it. Don't worry, Junior. Someday you will. She'll always blame me for this. Blame you. That Finneers doesn't know what to do. That Finneers doesn't know how to treat her. He doesn't? No. You heard him ask to carry a purse, didn't you? I don't want Finneers coming around here later saying he got a bad deal on that. Well, Oliver Anderson, she's my cousin. She's not a bad deal. Oh, well, I just got a side look. I've always tried to be nice to your side of the family. Gee, Pop, what's Mom crying about? Well, I guess she's happy, too. I'm not happy. Well, what are you, then? Here we go again, folks. The Anderson family is written by Howard Swart, directed by Herb Lytton, and features Dick Lane as Oliver, Louise Arthur as Mary, Walter Tetley as Junior, and Herbert Rollinson as Homer. Martha was played by Jacqueline DeWitt, Myrtle by Ginny Johnson, Slim by Doug Young, and Mr. Briggs by George Peroni. Music by Gordon Kibbey, sound effects by Ray Erlenborn, and your announcer is Ken Peters. The Anderson family is a Hollywood broadcaster's production, transcribed from Hollywood.