 From Hollywood, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Tonight, throughout the world, millions of people are ushering in the new year. Some are celebrating it with their families, some are going to nightclubs, and others are spending a quiet evening at home with a few intimate friends. The latter is the case with Vells and Alice's sponsor, Mr. Scott. As we look in, Mr. Scott and his wife are checking their guest list. Are you sure you took care of all the invitations for our party, Clyde? Yes, I did, Myrtle. I mailed an invitation to the Bennets, the Peppers, the New Roths, and the Actman's. How about the invitation to Phil Harris? I dropped that down the sewer like we planned. Oh, you did, really? No, no, I mailed him an invitation. I sent it to Phil Harris, 176 Spruce Street, Kansas City, Missouri. But Clyde, Phil Harris lives in Encino, California. Know what I'm doing every minute. Well, you shouldn't have done it. I'd like very much to have Mrs. Harris here. So would I. She's a lovely person. And Mr. Harris isn't such a bad sword. No, no, I guess he's all right if you can stomach that sort of thing. I really don't mind Harris so much, but I just can't stand that ghoul that's always with him. Ghoul? Oh, of course, Mr. Remley. Now do me a favor, Myrt. The next time we're having a party, don't put Harris' name on the guest list. Well, don't blame me. You're the one who mentioned the party to him and I felt obligated to send an invitation. Well, I'd better go up and put my tuxedo on. The guests will be arriving in an hour. Well, don't upset yourself about Mr. Harris. He won't get the invitation, so he won't be here. Let's have a drink to that. Well, I don't want to stay home on New Year's Eve. It's seven o'clock already. Let's plan to go someplace. Now sit where you are. We're not leaving this house until we get an invitation to Mr. Scott's party. But Phil, you've been expecting it all week. You've been sitting around in your tuxedo since Tuesday. Don't exaggerate. I only put it on when I got up this morning. What makes you so sure you're going to be invited? Oh, I saw Scotty the other day and he told me about the party and practically invited me. What do you mean, practically invited you? Well, I happened to be in his office the other day and I peeked over his shoulder and saw him making out his guest list. And I said, I don't see my name on there. And he said, it ain't because you're nearsighted. And I laughed and he laughed and, well, it's obvious. What's obvious? He didn't say I shouldn't come. Alice, I know he's inviting us. There must be an invitation in the mail. But it's Sunday. There's no delivery today. Well, then he'll send us a telegram. You've been calling Western Union all day and there's no message for you. Well, you'll find some way to get in touch with us. Look out the window. Maybe he's sending up smoke signals. Well, if it isn't my favorite brother-in-law, Tallulah Fahead. Stop kidding yourself, Philip. Mr. Scott is not going to invite you. He doesn't want you at his party. He doesn't want me? Are you kidding, Baxter? I make any party I go to. And if you don't believe me, ask any member of the Musicians' Union. I'm known as the Pearl Mesta of Local 47. She hasn't been invited any place since she married you. What are you talking about? When Alice was a star in pictures, she was invited everywhere. She had a date with one of her leading men every night. Men like Thomas Mehan, Wallace Reed, and Lou Colvin. Not to mention J. Warren Kerrigan and Snub Pollard. How about William Farnham and Richard Boston? All right already. That was before my time. Look, Willie, Alice gets to go out plenty since she married me. Maybe we don't go out with a movie crowd, but we get a lot of invitations from my friends. Only last week, we attended a formal three-cush and billiard exhibition at the home of Side Pocket Sang. That's right. He's the Beverly Hills socialite and snooker expert. And a lovely party it was. Wasn't it, Alicia? Oh, yes. Yes, especially the dinner. I asked a man at the head of the table to pass me the meatballs. What happened? He chalked up, broke them, and everybody got one except me. Alice, I'm sure that Mr. Scott went, uh-oh. Maybe that Scotty came over to invite us personally. I'll get it. Hi, you Scotty. We'll be glad to come to you. Oh, it's you, Remly. How are you? Oh, my poor head. I'll never do it again. I'll never touch another drop as long as I live. Oh. Well, you kicked off early this year, huh, Bob? You must feel terrible. No, I feel great. Then what are you doing? Practicing for tomorrow morning. Well, why do you have to say it tonight? Because I ain't going to be in no condition to remember it tomorrow. What are you doing tonight, Frankie? Um, nah, that depends. What are you doing? I'm going to a party at Mr. Scott's house. That's good enough for me. Frankie, you haven't been invited. What's that got to do with it? I haven't been invited to some of the best parties I ever attended. I'll be glad to go with you, Curling. I'll be glad to go with you. I'll be glad to go with you, Curling. I'll be glad to have you go except for one thing. I haven't been invited yet either. Oh. Well, in that case, I'll have to go without you. I'll call you tomorrow morning and let you know how it was. Hello, Frankie. Oh, hello, Alice. I hear you're going to Mr. Scott's party. No, I'm not. I haven't been invited. I know more people that haven't been invited to this party. Mr. Scott hasn't asked anybody. I wonder if he asked Mrs. Scott. I just can't understand why he didn't ask me. Frankie, after the way you behaved at Mr. Scott's last party, you will never be invited to his house again. Why would I do? When you were leaving, you grabbed Mrs. Scott, swept her into your arms, bent her over backwards, and kissed her on the lips. That was an accident. I thought she was the maid. Well, if we're going to Scott's, let's go, huh? We're not going. Let's make a reservation someplace, huh? Okay, okay. Where do you want to go, honey? How about zeroes? That's where we spent our first New Year's Eve together. Do you remember? Yeah. Yeah, that was ten years ago. Gee, it was romantic. The moon was bright. The band was playing softly. And you were singing our song, The Thing. It wasn't The Thing, and besides you were the one that was singing to me. You were singing that beautiful ballad that I taught you. The marching song of the Confederate Army. Sing it again, will you, Mini Pearl? Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're cozy and clean. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell I'd be ringing. From the moment we kissed tonight. That's the way I just got to behave. Boy, if I were a lamp I'd light. Or if I were a banner I'd wave. Ask me how do I feel? Little me with my choir that's ringing. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a gate I'd be swinging. And if I were a watch I'd start popping my spring boy. Or if I were a bell I'd go ding dong ding dong ding. Because how do we feel? From this chemistry lesson we're learning. All right, boys, how do you feel? Well, dear, all we can say is if we were a bridge we'd be burning. Ooh, I knew my morale would crack. You gotta be careful. From the wonderful way that he looked. Boy, if I were a duck I'd crack. Or if I were a goose I'd be cooked. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're fondly caressing. Wonderful, isn't it? Oh if I were a salad I'd just know I'd be splashing my dress in. Or if I were a season I'd surely be spring. Or if I were a bell I'd go. This is beautiful. Brings back memories to me. To me too. That was the night of the proposal. I'll never forget the way your face lit up when I said yes Look honey, if we're going to Syros you better go up and get ready. Okay, honey. I'll be right down. Hey curly Why spend a lot of money at Syros when we can go to a free party at Scott's house? Look remly for the last time I keep telling you we didn't get an invitation you give up too easy Maybe the man's been trying to get you on the phone and can't why don't you call him? Yeah Yeah, the least I can do is call and find out if he's been trying to get me sure huh give me that phone Yeah, no, I'm not going to invite myself I'm just gonna find out if he's been trying to reach me Hello, uh hello is mr. Scott there speaking. Who's this? This is Phil Harris So Sally you have a long and not more Hmm last time I called him he was a German delicatessen Wouldn't mind so much, but he's dialects are so loud Now look mr. Scott, I know it's you and I'm gonna keep calling you until you run out of those corny dialects. Oh nuts He's got me What do you want Harris? Well, I just heard you've been trying to get in touch with me all day. Is that right? No, it isn't Well, let me put it this way The operator just called me and said that you've been trying to reach me on the phone since early morning The operator said that yes, she did when you call her back and tell her she's a big fat liar What's on your mind Harris well, uh, mr. Scott being its new year's Eve I thought that maybe you and Mrs. Scott would like to go out with Alice and me we can't we're having a party You are Well, there's nothing like having a party and inviting your friends over to the house. I always say Yes, sir, that's what I always say and I wonder how long I'm gonna have to keep saying it before you think Harris I don't know what you're talking about Remly ain't taking the hand you ain't handling it right curly. Let me talk to him. Okay, but be subtle. Yeah Hello, mr. Scott. This is Frankie Remly. What a disgusting way to start a conversation What do you want bung head That's no way to talk to a man who's gonna be a guest at your house tonight Remly listen to me and listen closely I'm having a nice quiet gathering for a few intimate friends. You are not included in my plans I want no part of you and if you dare come within a hundred yards of my place I'll cut you down with a high-powered elephant gun Just for that I got a good mind not to show up What do you say Frankie? What did he say he's begging us to come now? All right, mr. Scott will all be over in an hour and thanks for the invitation. Goodbye Scottie. Hello, Remly Hello, hello Remly Remly. I'll tell you I don't want you. Oh, well if he shows up I can always poison his drink Why you look terribly upset. What's wrong brace yourself, Myrtle? I Have terrible news for you. We're on the brink of disaster. Oh Clyde don't tell me the stock market crashed in your wife doll. Oh if it was only that simple This is much worse Remly is coming to our party. Oh, no Well, what are we going to do? I don't know. He's on his way over now, and I Myrtle, do you think we can pack and be ready to move in an hour? Why don't we just turn the lights out if he thinks nobody's home you'll go away not remly he'll break in Well, he's never been here. Maybe he won't find the place. No, no the Harris's have our address and they wait a minute They may have our address, but they've never been to the house if I could take the number off our house and put it on mr. Sweeney's house, but darling mr. Sweeney's the sheriff I Can't think of a better house for mr. Remly to break in now if you'll excuse me. I'll get busy changing numbers All right dear and just in case he happens to find our house I'll make preparations for his arrival. I'll lock up the silverware and I'll have the guests put their valuables in the wall safe And put my elephant gun in the vest of you Hey Alice if you're all ready we can start going over to the scots Are you sure mr. Scott invited us? Oh, he was very insistent wasn't he Frankie? Oh, yeah, he said he'd be very hurt if we didn't show up He threatened to shoot himself with an elephant So come on Alice, let's hurry let's go all right if you Feel what have you got under your arm? My music When I'm called upon to sing I want to be prepared How do you know the scots will ask you to sing? Oh? Doll how can you talk like that? They're sure to ask me to sing but in case they don't I'll suggest it I'll ask mr. Scott if he wants me to sing and before he has a chance to say no, I'll be into the song like this Young Johnny Jones. He had a cute little boat And all the girlies he would take for a float He had girlies by the score Sweet little peaches on the shore, but Johnny was a Weisenheimer, you know Steady girl was flowed And every Sunday afternoon they jump in his boat and they would spoon and then he'd row row row Right up that river. He would row row row I hugged the giver then he'd kiss her now and then she would tell him when he'd fool around and fool around And then he'd kiss again and then he'd go row row A little further he would row just he and flow With her head on his chest He'd take a few measures rest and then he'd roll In Johnny's boat he had a cute little seat and all the kisses that he stole were so sweet and he knew just how to roll He was a rowing Romeo He had an island where the trees were so grand. He knew just how to land Then tales of love he'd tell the flow until it was time for them to go And he'd row row row on up that river. He would row so slow a huggy giver Then he'd kiss her now and then she would tell him when he'd fool around and fool around A little further he would row just he and flow Then he'd drop both his oas take a few more on course and then he'd roll Roll roll just to you in Florence roll roll right into heaven Row row he had no Johnson motor so Johnny and flow would row Hey Alice we ought to be pretty close to Scotty's house now. What was his number again? 1300 well, I'll drive slow and and you watch the numbers Remley, okay? Let's say this is 751 753 755 1300 there it is I don't get this. There's something wrong. Oh, what's wrong? I thought we did that very good 755 to 1300 and an even number on the odd side of the screen Well, you know Beverly Hills they got to be different Come on, let's get out. I don't see any lights in the house if they're having a party. Why are the lights out? Maybe they're necking If they are I could first crack at the maze wait Look there's a police car in the driveway a police Hey Remley, did the cops know you were coming to this? Don't be a wise guy They're not here for me. Must be mr. Scott's parole officer Come on, let's hurry in boy, I can't wait to get started in that money I want you to behave yourselves because Hey, it's Julius. Hey right in here kid Hey, old Joe, huh? Don't tell me you weren't invited to this party too. No cases of drinks for the scott's party Hey around Hey lefty, do you hear that? Four cases of this Yeah, two for each of us Hey What kind of stuff did they order kid old weapon poster tigers breath What could be better now, what are they order kid cherry pop cream soda and celery tonic? Well, I could see we're in for a gay time. I hope we're not too late for the first menu wet Oh Why are you wearing a tuxedo? Well, this is my last delivery. I'm going to a party from here You know, this is the first time I ever wore a tuxedo. How do we look in this monkey suit like a monkey? Well, I think he looks very cute. Do you have a date tonight Julius? Yeah, I guess who I got a date with I don't know But I'll bet she's the best-looking camel in Beverly Hills She's not like they're close That's no way to talk about a girl you're dating I didn't want to date her. It's my cousin my mother's making me take her out What does she look like? Oh, you ought to see her. Oh, she a girl. Yes. She a girl That's the first question everybody Julius if you don't like the damn, what are you taking her out for she's got money. She's a debutant. Oh It's a side a girl is her name in who's who yeah, yeah, we better get in that party to before it's all over come on Now Frankie like you watch your manners tonight. Don't do what you did at the last party We took you to where I do wrong all I did was drink champagne out of a lady's slipper I know but you're not supposed to go around measuring which one has the biggest foot I This is very strange. There are no lights on nobody answers the door. Are you sure we have the right house? Certainly? This is number thirteen hundred Maybe they're in another room and can't hear us. I'll try that door. Oh, it's locked. Stop a sign. I'll get us in Frankie if the door is locked, how are you gonna get us in fortunately? I brought my axe I Frankie you can't batter the door down. Oh, don't be so formal I think maybe we ought to go home honey. We can't do that. We don't show up the scots will be insulted Now what was that I don't know I just happened to lean against the window with my axe in the pain splinter Cheap glass I Guess so Well, look as long as the wind is broken. Hey Julius long as that wind is broken. Why don't you crawl in that front door for us, huh? Okay, I don't think we're doing the right thing Please Alice let us handle this they were nice enough to invite us to the party the least we can do is to make an effort to get in I Don't like the looks of this the room. It's pitch dark. Mr. Harris did the scotch know that you and mr. Remli was coming Yeah, maybe it's a booby trap I'm gonna turn the light on Hey This is a nice room and look what's on the desk what a gun pair of handcuffs and the sheriff's badge Isn't that cute Scottie's playing hoppy again? Oh There's the doorbell must be some more of the guests come in Why it's mr. And Mrs. Scott? Oh Mrs. Harris. Thank goodness. We got here in time in time She says you're two hours late for your own party. Yeah, where have you been Mrs. Scott? Mr. Harris my husband has a confession to make go ahead tell them Clyde Oh very well Harris I did something tonight that my wife tells me I'm ashamed of You see this house we're in All right, everybody stay where you are put your hands up mr. Sweeney. What are you people doing here? Look mr. Sweeney, I can explain this don't move or I'll put a hole through you Yes, sir. Don't let him bluff you Scotty jump. I'm gonna take his gun away I'd like to see you You can't talk that way to our boss the boss, huh? So you're the leader of this and now wait a minute mr. Sweeney I happen to be a respectable citizen of this community. Surely you've seen me around Yes, and I always figured a guy with a face like yours couldn't make his money honestly Dear talk to my husband that way tell my barker to button her lip You can't scare us let's rush him remley. Yeah, we'll take him apart you two take one step and I'll plug ya You mean if these guys take one step you'll kill him. Yeah, mr. Remley mr. Harris. What on your mark? Stop pushing get away from us. Come on remley. Let's take don't do it. You're making a mistake. You hit him high remley I'll hit him low It was you two fellas. Oh honey now. Don't be a sore head. It was all in fun after all it's New Year's Eve, and you Hey, it's 12 o'clock. It's the new year. Happy New Year everybody Should all acquaintance be for God and never Hey you what no singing in the patrol wagon Sheriff don't be a wet blanket. It's New Year's Eve, and it's a happy occasion and everybody wants to sing Alice Franky Julius And and how about you sir? Don't talk to me Harris a man of my importance in a patrol wagon This is the first time a thing like this has ever happened to me Oh, no, it isn't Clyde. Don't you remember the time they rated that burlesque show and you were oh Come on everybody, let's all be happy and sing Oh acquaintance be Forgot and thought to mind Should I forgot and day well tonight the old year goes out the new one comes in Let's all hold fate for this new year that the way for peace will be found But if not found let America be strong and not be found one Stay tuned for head of hopper then theater guild on NBC