 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. Each week at this time, Craft presents from Hollywood, California, Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, we might say that one good thing, at least, has come out of the world crisis. And that is that we Americans have learned that the right kind of food and plenty of it is vitally essential to national health and morale. And realizing this, we Americans can become the strongest nation on earth. That's why you homemakers should know about delicious parquet margarine, made by Craft. Because parquet margarine is an economical source of nourishment and energy your whole family needs. Yes, parquet margarine is a highly nutritious food, one of the best energy foods you can serve. And equally important is the fact that every pound of parquet contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. What's more, your whole family will like parquet margarine's delicate, appetizing flavor. Yes, delicious parquet margarine makes everything taste better, whether you serve it at the table or use it for baking or pan-frying. So try this nourishing economical food. Buy a pound or two of grand tasting parquet margarine tomorrow. Just ask your dealer for parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Now let's visit our friend the Great Gilder Sleeves. Here's the flowers, the after-dinner mince and the candles for the cake. I hope this wasn't too much trouble. Not at all, my dear. The market was so crowded I just drifted with the tide. That's how I happened to get this quart of clams. How many of these candles do you think we should put on Judge Hooker's birthday cake, Uncle? Well, I don't know. How many cakes did Bertie bake? Oh, now, Uncle, I don't think it'd be polite to put on more than 30. Well, if that's all the candles you're going to use, you better burn them at both ends, then. I don't think he's that old. No? Say, he's got a Lincoln penny that he got from Lincoln. Uncle More and I do. We should make an effort to get along better with the judge, especially tonight at dinner. Well, seeing that it's his birthday, I'll give him a break. You will? Yes. I won't insult him until he insults me first. Babe, do you think he's going to be surprised when he finds out we know it's his birthday? Oh, he'll be dumbfounded. He's got a good start, too. He's been dumb ever since he was founded. Now, Judge Hooker is really awfully sweet. Well, it doesn't show on his face, then. Well, George, if I had to push that saw, I'd take it out and drown it. Say, something smells mighty nice around here. Oh, it's the dinner Bertie's fixing. And is it going to be delicious? You know, that Bertie is a real treasure. Her dinners are always delicious. The only trouble is, I'm beginning to develop what is known as second helping spread. Well, what do you mean? Well, my laps are starting to overlap. I don't talk that way, Uncle More. You're just the right weight for a man of your, uh, weight. Well, maybe so. Everything's expanding these days. Oh, by the way, Oliver Honeywell's coming to dinner, too. What? Oliver again? Seems that every time we sit down to eat, there's that overgrown St. Bernard puppy yapping around the table. Well, his family's out of town, and Oliver doesn't like restaurants. Of course not. They charge for meals. You know, I don't like to appear inhospitable, Marjorie, but I'm beginning to get bored with Oliver as a boarder. Well, his family will be back by Thanksgiving. Say, by the way, when is Thanksgiving? Any time Oliver's family comes back. Another thing, Marjorie, can't you persuade him to get a haircut? Oh, well, he says that barbershop's frightening. He cuts his own hair, and it gets long enough for him to reach. Well, somebody should drop a hint that it's time for the fall harvest. Or else I'll buy him a paper of booby pins. Uncle, you mean bobby pins. You heard me, Marjorie. Uh, let me see. Have we forgotten anything? Oh, I don't think so. Let me see now. Dinner? Present? Oh, I ordered a cute singing telegram delivered at 10 p.m. Uh-huh. See, what time did you tell the judge to be here? Well, uh, well, I said that, uh... Oh, my goodness. Where's my hat? Right in your hand. What's wrong? I forgot to invite somebody. Who? Judge Hooker. Oh, see, biscuit. Well... Gee, you look lovely this evening. How do I look? Gee, you look lovely, too, Oliver. Hello, meatball. I'm Leroy, and I'll be more polite. You mustn't make fun of me. Here's Judge Hooker, Marjorie. You folks shouldn't have gone to all this trouble. No trouble at all, Judge Hooker. We had to eat anyway. By the way, Judge, do you know Oliver Honeywell? You mean that anemic young cap that hangs around Marjorie? I've heard about him, but I've never seen him. Well, take a good look. This is him right here. Oh, say don't mind me. I'm always kidding, Oliver. That's the trouble. Everybody's always kidding Oliver. No, no. My boy, you mustn't get bitter. Say, why is your ear all bandaged up? Oh, I did this this afternoon when I was giving myself a haircut. You mean to say you cut your own hair? Yeah, I do it with mirrors. But what happened this afternoon? Did the bowl slip? No, no, I was using manicure scissors. I guess I didn't allow for the curve. Well, your hair looks very pretty with the scalloped edges. Oh, excuse me. Come in. I'm from the telegraph company. Oh, for goodness sakes, you're too early, boy. Later. Come back at 10 o'clock now. Beat it before you spoil everything. Yeah, but... Wrong address, folks. Say, Aunt, can I give it to him now? What? Oh, the present for the judge? Why, sure. Let's all give him his present now. Happy birthday, Judge Hooker. For me? Now I wonder what's inside. Listen to him. You think he was a sweet 16 instead of a sour 60? Go on, unwrap him, Judge. He's opening yours first, sis. I hope you like it, Judge. Well, what do you think? A necktie. Just what I need. Thank you, Marjorie. Now let's look at the next one. With all best wishes from Oliver Honeywell. Well, well, well, Honeywell. You shouldn't have done this. Gee, another necktie. Isn't a nice yellow one with green polka dots. You know, I got one just like that for Christmas last year. And I'll bet that's it. Well, let's see about this one. Although it is not Christmas Eve, here's a present you will receive from your old friend, Throckmorton Gildersley. Catch on, it's a poem, Judge. Another necktie. Purple this time. Yes, just matches your complexion, Judge. Thank you. I wonder what's in this package. It's from Leeroy, I see. One guess, Judge Hooker. It's a necktie all right, but this one's different. It's got a picture of Superman on it. Well, now that the necktie party's over, let's trot into the dining room. Judge, Bernie's fixed a special new dish in your honor. Is that so? I'm flattered. I thought you would be. What do you call it, Gildy? Cavsbrains, all out, Judge Hooker. Thanks, no more, no more. That certainly was a delicious cake and beautiful too. Yes, but all those candles lit up. We had enough heat to bake another cake. Have your fun, Gildersley. I'm so full of wonderful food, I don't mind. Oh, that was a marvelous meal. I wish I had a cook like your birdie. Well, what happened to your cook, Judge? I let her go when I found out after fixing dinner for me, she'd go out and have her dinner in her restaurant. Oh, excuse me. I wonder who that can be. Yes? I'm from the telegraph company. Not now, I said. Come back at 10 o'clock. Yeah, but I got a date at 10 o'clock. Break it. What was it, Gildy, old man? Nothing at all, Judgey. Just a boy out looking for the wrong house. Well, don't overpraise her, Judge. Remember, too many compliments spoil the cook. Something I can do for you, Your Honor. No, birdie, I just wanted to tell you that that dinner you just served was an Epicurean collision. Oh, is that considered good? I didn't think it was good. I thought it was a gastronomic achievement. Oh, you didn't like it. I did too. And I consider myself a pretty good judge. So do I, and I'll be glad to vote for you. When's the next spring? No, no, I mean, Judge, of cooking. I wish you were working for me, birdie. That Gilder sleeve is a mighty and lucky dog, but he doesn't really appreciate you. He don't? But look at the way he makes you wash those dishes, getting your hands all chapped and red. Well, man, then rub a glove. Well, the least he could do is to buy you a nice electrical dishwashing machine. I've got one in my kitchen. See, you'd have a lot of fun operating it. Well, I don't know. I may be old-fashioned, but I prefer to dump the dishes in water instead of electric. No. Great sense of humor you have there, birdie. By the way, did I ever tell you about the fine, big mage room in my house? No, sir. Is it pretty? Is it? It's got everything but Rochester. It certainly sounds like the elephant's ear rings to me. Yes, of course. I'm not home more than three, four nights a week. So that means my cook has plenty of days off and very little to do. What do you think, birdie? Well, I think she won't make some gal a wonderful employer. Well, you don't understand. I want you as my cook. Me? But I've already got a position. But think what it would mean to your social position among your friends if you were to cook for Horace Hooker. Yes, sir. That certainly would impress the other members of the mysterious and bewildered orders of the daughters of Cleopatra, which eyes the head speaks. But, of course, I just couldn't do it. Why not, as Gilder Sleeve got you under contract? No, sir. I'm here strictly on a meal-to-meal basis. Well, then, where no contractual entailment exists between principal and agent at the time of severance of service, notice of termination is not required, if so, facto. Ain't that the truth? Yes, common law. Oh, it happens often, huh? Well, yes. Say, after you've left Gilder Sleeve you wish that you had left old stupid over... Old stupid over what, Judge? Well, that is... I was saying to Bertie that it must be hard working all stupid over a hot stove. Oh, yeah. I see. Well, come on back in the living room. The kids want to play pin the tail on the donkey, and you're going to be the Democrat. All right, Bertie, and don't forget what I said. You mean about the ipso facto? Yes, yes, and the quicker you ipso the sooner it'll be a facto. Come on, kill the old pal. Let's go in the other room. Now, here he is. Well, children, what should we do? Well, I think it would be just dandy if we played drop the Kleenex. Uh, Oliver, don't you mean drop the handkerchief? Well, I figured that the other would be more solitary. Yes. How about musical chairs or something like that? It's supposed to be open, son. Oh, but I don't think... You're not paid to think, you're paid to sing. I'll break in the song, young man. Well, okay, but remember you asked for it. Me, me, me. Yes, you, you, you. Mr. Strachmore, tinkily sleep. I'm an awful bad jam. Can you send me $50 to bail me out? Signed your brother-in-law sad. What? Dull and cloudy. I was up all night trying to decide between remaining where I is with the status quo or packing up and moving over to the ipso facto. I just had a phone to tell you that whatever your salary is now, I'll help better it, but $10 a month. $10 a month? Judge, you done just hide yourself or cook. Fine. How soon can you come to work? Well, that depends on how soon they let me go. Well, cook up some excuse to leave quick. That's going to take a mess of doing. Oh, nobody knows the trouble I'm getting into. Yes, sir. Good morning, Bertie. You better set another place, Bertie. Oliver invited himself over for breakfast again. People to feed. Just working myself to a shadow. Now, Bertie, can I help with that biological blunder? Come right in, Oliver. Thanks. Good morning, Bert. Oh, prunes again, huh? Don't you like the way I fix breakfast? Of course he does. Oliver. Never wrinkle up your nose at a prune. Leroy, sit down and pass the toast. Yes, sir. Thank you. Where's Marjorie, isn't she? Oh, darn this toast. What's wrong with that toast? It just went down the wrong way. Oh, you don't like it after I worked my fingers to the bone, scraping it off for you. But all I said was the wrong way. Oh, now I'm doing things the wrong way. Teaching me my business. I'm tired of not being appreciated around here. I was resigning. There's other people who like my cookery. Well, Bertie seems to be a little twitty this morning. Gee, she never acted this way before. And you think she means that about resigning? Say, I better find out what's wrong. And now, Bertie, I don't understand what... Bertie, where are you? Oh, Bertie. Oh, my goodness. Bertie is pulling the coup. It's time to go to school, young man. Just give me another 15 minutes, Bertie. This isn't Bertie. It's Uncle Mort. I just haven't shaved yet. And look at the clock. Do you want to be tardy? It's okay with me. Come on, Leroy. Wake up. Oliver's fixing some nice hot mush for breakfast. Let me sleep 10 minutes more. I can't, Leroy. He's downtown interviewing cooks at employment agencies. Where's the girls, Leroy? Help me quick. Oh, Oliver's in trouble in the kitchen. Get up, Leroy. Coming, Oliver. Now, what's the trouble? Oh, it's the mush I'm fixing for breakfast. It keeps overflowing. I've filled four pots already. Now I need another one. Oh, here's a double boiler, Oliver. Now keep stirring or it'll start burning. Gee, Wiz, I never knew mush multiplied like this. It just seems to go on and on. It's a morning cereal, isn't it? It means, what is it now? Good morning, mailman. Good morning, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. I've got a postage due letter here. It's three cents, please. Surely, three cents. There you are. Say, this letter's for Bertie Lee Coggins. She doesn't work here anymore. Oh, yes, yes. That's your cook. Say, I've got a change of address for her. Better give me that letter back. Certainly. Oh, by the way, what is her new address if it isn't violating any professional secrets? It's 2100 Burnside. 2100 Burnside? That address sounds familiar to me. Where have I heard it before? 2100 Burnside. Why, of course. Lee Roy. Oliver. I know who hired Bertie away from us. Yes, I should have guessed it before. It was the judge. Yes, that crook of a hooker hooked our cook. Well, I lay my hands on him. He stole our Bertie, the horse thief. Manly tracked you down. What do you mean, tracked me down? I'm always in my chambers this time of day. Why, you oily worm, you got our Bertie. We want her back. Nothing doing. Knock it out. That does it. I'm going to create a vacancy on the superior court bench. Don't put down. Put down, though. Stand still, you old goat, so I can hit you. Stay where you are. I won't stay where I am. I'm going to knock you. What happens when you press the buzzer? My bailiff will come in and drag you down to jail. That's a frame up. That's what it is. First you steal my cook, then you upset our whole household and now you're going to railroad me to the caboose. So the big balloon is losing all its hot air? Your threats didn't work, you'll just leave. You're a beaten man. You don't have to rub it in, you judicial Judas. I know and I'm licked. We can't find anybody to do Bertie's work. We can't find where she puts anything. We haven't had a decent meal since she left. You haven't? Oh, that's too bad. Well, I don't want to be too hard on you. So, if you promise to behave yourself, maybe I'll invite you over to the house for dinner sometime. I wouldn't sit down at the same table as you, Hooker, if I were starving. What am I talking about? If I were starving, I am starving. I knew that your stomach was bigger than your stubbornness. You can come to dinner tomorrow night if you want to. I don't want to. I wouldn't humiliate myself to the extent of what time tomorrow night. Seven o'clock. And don't forget to bring Marjorie and Leroy. Of course I won't forget. But that's the only reason I'm coming. I'm just doing it for the kitties. You've got to keep a tight control over your temper. Who? Me? I never lose my temper. And Leroy, now, don't overdo the business of being sassy. Oh, don't worry, sis. I'm a born actor. Well, I guess we're all ready. Gee, we surely look like tramps, don't we? Well, go ahead and ring the bell, uncle. Yeah, all right, all right. Now, I'm your guard, everybody. Here she comes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hello, Miss Mars. Hello. Hello, Leroy. Hello, Bertie. Good evening, Mr. Gilsley. Yes, good evening. Won't y'all kind of come in and rest your hats and coats? They look kind of tired. Oh, yes, of course. Come on in, children. Hello, Judge Hooker. It's so sweet of you to invite us. You have no idea how we're going to enjoy this. Leroy, don't you talk that away. Can't boss me any more, Bertie. Leroy, behave yourself. Oh, I just can't imagine what's gotten into you lately. You used to be such a little gentleman. Oh, who wants to be a gentleman? I'm going to be a heavyweight prize fighter and true tobacco. You ain't going to be no prize fighter long if somebody hits you smack on that true tobacco. And look at your hair. Somebody must have been trimming it with hedge clippers. No, Oliver showed me how to cut it all by myself. You never did these farmer diddles when I was there. Bertie, Bertie, isn't dinner ready? Yes, sir. Well, when you need it, I have to... Then serve the first course, please. It's sitting on the table. Oh, shall we go in now? Come on, Leroy. Come on, Marjorie. I starved to death. Well, how do you think everything looks? Oh, just splendid, except for Bertie. What's wrong with Bertie? Well, I think she must be worrying. She's got dark circles under her eyes. Nonsense. Incidentally, you shouldn't talk coming here without a shave. Oh, yes, that reminds me. Bertie, where did you hide my good razor? I've looked high and low for it. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Gillslee. It's out on the back porch. I saw the back yard at night. Saw the discourage, you know, late visitors. Bertie, isn't it time to bring the soup? It's right here. Oh, Mr. Gillslee, I fixed a special turtle soup for you. I know it's your favorite. Well, thank you. It's a darn expensive to make. We don't have it very often. But I'll come over here every day if you'll cook it for me, Bertie. Oh, I'll be glad, but... Splendid. You mind if I bring over Oliver? He just loves turtle soup, Bertie. Boy, that's super, super. No matter how you like it, Leroy, you just eat it. Don't kiss it. Leroy isn't your responsibility anymore, Bertie. Yes, the judge is right, Bertie. But I know how to handle him. You just stand him over here. Bertie, pay attention to your work. That's just what I'm doing. Oh, Miss Mars, that bandage. You done cut your finger. No, Bertie, I burned it. Well, I mean... Oh, honey, how many times have I told you you ain't got no knack for ironing? Somebody's got to do it. And we haven't found anyone else. Yeah? Then I'll come over to my afternoon and do it for you. Now, wait a minute, Bertie. You're working for me. You can't do that. Oh, yes, I can. I've got three afternoons off every week, and if I want to spend a minute for Miss Mars, nothing in the world can stop me. If so fact, go habeas corpus or post-mortem of it. I tell you, I won't stand for it. As long as you're working for me, you can't spend all your time straightening out Gildersley's messes. Why, George, I can straighten out my own messes, you little... Oh, Uncle, remember now, you mustn't. Oh, oh, yes. Excuse me, Judgie. What were you saying? I was just telling Bertie to quit acting like one of your family. Well, I've been a member of that family so long I just came up and quit all at once. Don't be foolish. Here you have all the extra time in the world. That's just a trouble nobody to cook for, except for the skeptic that eats itty-bitty dance. There's no big parties with lots of work like over with Mr. Gildersley. Well, I must say that that is what... And when I see that Leroy, who I practically raised myself, acting so fresh because he needs a guide and a hand to slap him down once in a while. Well, I just don't like this job, Judge. And if I thought Miss Mars would have me back again, I'd go right upstairs and pack my bag. What? Why, you ungrateful... I don't need to have you come back. Okay, I was resigning, Judge. But you can't do that. You haven't given me any notice. I don't need to. Where there's no contractual entailment exists between the principal and the agent at the time of servants of service, notice of termination is not required. It's so facto. Watch the use. I'll get my things and I'll be waiting out in the car when y'all get ready. Goodbye, Judge. Bye. I'm starting how it all came about, too. Why, Judgey? What are you hinting at? Never mind. Oh, whatever are we going to do about this dinner? Well, if you want to come over to our house, our birdie will be glad to fix us up some ham and eggs, Judge. No thanks. You sneak in the grass? Look who's calling who a wattin' aware. Come on, children. I won't let you remain in this atmosphere a moment longer. That suits me. But there's just one thing I've got to do to show Kim now you must. I'm not choking a little pipsqueak. I'm just taking back the necktie I gave him for his birthday. Come on, children. You were a regular dead-end kid. This bandage on my finger bothers me. Can I take it off now? No, no, no. Keep it on for at least another day or so, Marjorie. Or else Birdie might get wise that this was all a put-up. Ah, Birdie, there you are. Yes, Mr. Giltley. Are you all ready to come home and fool me a bit? What? We didn't? Oh, my goodness. The Great Gilder Sleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, do you grown-ups listening and remember the good old cookie jar? Yes, and what a treat it was to come home after school and fill up on those wonderful cookies Mother used to make. Well, the cookie jar is an American institution. Every family with youngsters certainly ought to have one. And for making better tasting cookies made by craft. You see, because parquet margarine is so delicious for table use it makes better tasting cookies, too. Yes, parquet margarine is a genuine flavor shortening, not bland and tasteless. Parquet adds flavor to all baked foods. That goes for cakes and pastries, too. And for the same reason parquet margarine makes pan-fried foods tastier, too, and it doesn't spatter a stick to the pan. Another thing, whether you serve parquet margarine at the table is nourishing wholesome energy food and a reliable winter and summer source of vitamin A. Now, for all these reasons you should keep plenty of economical parquet margarine on hand. So tomorrow, ask your dealer for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. I'd show it's good to be back in my own kitchen again. Well, we're glad to have you back, Bertie. Well, there's one thing that sure wasn't a surprise. What's that? I expected to find a sink-powered hybrid dirty dishes and ain't a single one. No, we've been using paper plates. Yeah, we broke all the dishes. Yeah. Good night. This program was composed and conducted by William Randall. This is Jim Bannon speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at this same time for the further adventures of the great yellowishly. And reminding you that America's first line of defense is you and your support. So invest at the best of your ability in defense-saving bonds. Good night. This is the National Broadcasting Company.