 Hi, welcome to ATAB Online, a virtual reading series presented by the Asian American Theater Artist of Boston. My name is Makayla Way, and I'm the associate producer and dramaturg for ATAB Online. ATAB is a social collective that seeks to empower and connect Asian American, Pacific Islander American, MENA American, and Kanaka Maoli Theater Artist in the greater Boston area. We've gathered theater artists from the ATAB community, the Boston Theater community, and friends across the country to explore plays by Boston-based American Asian playwrights to present here on Zoom, Facebook Live, and HowlRoundTV. Today, you're seeing a reading of Holistic Review written by Nelson New and directed by Rosalind Bevin. For this reading, we would like to amplify the Ochre Project, a collective that seeks to address the global crisis faced by Black trans people by providing home-cooked, healthy, and culturally specific meals, resources, and most recently, access to free therapy sessions to Black trans people. And the Boston Art and Music Soul Fest, a nonprofit organization that celebrates and supports both artists and audiences with an emphasis on Afro-dysporic voices, perspective, and artistry, and break down racial and social barriers to arts, music, and culture across greater Boston through their annual festival, signature events, strategic partners, and strategic partnerships. Depending on where you're watching us from, there are links to donate to their organizations on the pages or in the comments. And if you want to learn more info about ATAP, we're on Facebook and Instagram at A-A-T-A Boston. And now, a Holistic Review. Language. He's still gonna be here tomorrow, right? What did you forget this time? Nothing. Casey. How'd you know? I always know. You think you're so clever. All right. I left the interview questions on the printer. Happy? Why would that make me happy? Go get them. No, not the printer here, the one at home. Why are you always forgetting something? I swear, I put it in my backpack. Last week, I asked you to take out the trash and you forgot to close the garage door. That is exactly why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd bring that up. You left your phone at the Grand Canyon Visitor Center. Brand new phone, but you just forgot. That was four years ago. I was 12. So now I always ask you before you leave somewhere. Can't we just do this tomorrow? Double check that you have everything and you still forget. First thing when we get back, I'll put the questions in my backpack. And then tomorrow, I can- Do you know why you still forget? Because you don't care. I'm trying to care, all right? At least this time, I'm here. And will cares. But you don't even care enough to prepare. I was prepared. I had the questions ready. I typed them all up. Don't you remember them? They were like 20-something questions. You can't expect me to just- So forgetful. Tomorrow. Okay, just give me one more day. I'll have the questions. Are they online? No, they're on my laptop. Why didn't you bring your laptop? I didn't think I'd need it. I was just gonna- How will you plan it on taking notes? I've got a notebook. I prefer taking notes by hand. I think it's more natural for an interview. If you actually had your interview questions. Which is why I want to do this tomorrow. When I'll have the questions. Why didn't you pick them online? I made a Google Drive for you. I know. I saw it. And you shared it with me about 50 times. Why didn't you put the questions into the Google Drive? What do you do things the way I asked you to? I hate Google Docs, okay? It's ugly. The layout's ugly. The fonts are all ugly. It's distracting when you're trying to write anything meaningful in there. I prefer pages. I can think so much more. I can think so much more clearly. Well, that doesn't seem to be doing you a whole lot of good now, does it? God, why do you pick apart everything I try? Why do I always have to do things your way? Where do you think you'd be if you didn't? Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie. It's bad. Should I? It's all right, Will. It's just that Cassie isn't quite as ready today as we would have hoped. Oh, if that's the case, then maybe we can do this another time. Exactly. That's what I was saying. I mean, I'm teaching here all summer, right? When do you need the spy? The deadline for the essay is this Friday. She needs to get the interview done as soon as possible so she can start writing. I thought she had already started on it a month ago. I told you I couldn't find anyone I wanted to interview and then I had to study for my final. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. This is usual. She's left it to the last minute. I see. No, I get it. Finals are rough. You just got out of what? South Maria. Ah, so this is for the Nathan Chung contest, isn't it? You've heard of it. Yeah. I actually am. Well, I like, I helped organize it the first year. Is that why you picked in? No. I picked Will because he goes to Princeton. And I think you could learn a thing or two from him. Yeah. Hey, Cassie. Hi. Unfortunately, Cassie forgot to bring the interview questions that she had prepared for you. So she'll just have to make it up that she goes along. Mother. That's okay. We'll figure out together. If you need me to, I can provide the questions as well as the answers. You're a life saver, Will. I just know I could always trust you to make things work. Good luck with her. That was awkward. I'm sorry. You're not sorry. You're embarrassed because my mother thinks you're better than I am. And she made in front of both of us a remark, obviously to that effect. It's okay. She's probably right. And I'm used to it. Hey, I don't really think I'm better than you or anything. I don't think I'm better than you. Yeah. But my mother does and that apparently is what matters. That's why you're here. She thinks if she puts you in the same room as me, I'll become more like you through osmosis or something. I'm not here to turn you into me. I'm just here to. Are you saying I could never be like you? No, I mean, yes, but you don't need to be like someone else. You just, you just got to be like you. The best version of you there is. I'm not here to turn you into me. I'm not here to turn you into me. Well, it sounded like you were having trouble getting started. Maybe a bit of motivation is just what you need. So your great advice is be yourself. Well, I do. I see him like the sort of person who needs to hear that. I suppose not. You're already once I've had the game then. I'm sure my mother would beg to differ. She thinks it's a liability. The fact that I'm me. I think she's worried I'm not going to end up like you. Trust me. I'm really nothing special. Then why does my mother want me to interview you? I mean, I heard I wasn't even her first choice. Originally it was going to be this hot shot real estate of Esther out in San Francisco. Another one of my mother's old students turned teachers just like you. But then she flaked on me. I was kind of expecting it. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if there's old recruits seem to want to come back here. I don't blame them. Who'd want to come back to Cupertino? It's hell. I came back. Yeah. You're weird. Maybe that's a good thing. Weirdness seems like the sort of quality you'd want an interview subject. You seem to overestimate how much I actually care about the sixth annual Nathan Chung Memorial essay contest. I've been doing it for the past few years, you know. So my mother keeps telling me. It was her idea. You know, after Nathan. To honor him. He was one of her students and teachers too. Great writer. Your mother's counseled hundreds of us. She knows what she's doing. Oh yes. She started all very, she's all, she's thought it all through very nicely. It's all just deployed to make sure I haven't gotten an empty bag of my college apps. She realized quite early on, I'm no good at math competitions. That's your area of expertise, isn't it? Yeah. And I actually believe that anyone with the right attitude and resources. Yeah. The programming contest didn't work out either. I hated chemistry. Biology was too much. I was actually halfway decent at volleyball, but she didn't think that they'd make me stand out enough, whatever that means by land. Now that was a disaster. I'm sorry. You're not. Your mom must think you're good at writing, at least if this essay contest is what she suggested for you. A couple of As in my lit classes aren't going to win me any medals. But she's still holding out hope I'm good at something presentable. Who says you're not. You just don't give up to you. Neither should you. Doesn't seem like you're giving me much of a choice. Come on. It could be fun. Okay, forget the competition. You think I'm weird, right? Why don't you find out just how weird I am. The promise you'll answer me honestly. Sure. I mean it. No more of this inspirational crap. I promise. I also have my, I still don't have my interview questions though. Then we'll figure them out together. What does the prompt us for. I'll give you an immigrant blah, blah, blah. And describe the challenges they had faced their successes and, or their hopes for the future. You memorize that. Yeah, my mother made me reread it about a hundred times. But you don't remember any of your interview questions. Okay, okay. Maybe I remember a few. I mean, they're all just based off the promise. Then go for it. Let's start with the facts, I guess. How old were you when you moved here? Just about to turn six. What was the biggest obstacle you faced when you first got here in. School or whatever. Can I make a suggestion? What? Nobody wants to read about elementary school drama. It's inherently childish. I mean, I don't know. Ask me about high school. Fine. I guess that makes sense. High school. So when you do math contests or other science contests, like I did your high school classes and teachers are probably not going to tell you how to do them. I mean, I'm sure you know this, you've tried them, right? I had to look for resources outside of the classroom to help me learn more and practice. Even though there's a lot out there, it's not always the most organized and there isn't any roadmap to guide you. You have to learn yourself how to sort out the good textbooks and programs from the bad ones to piece together your own plan. That's why I found that shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bullshit. That was your greatest obstacle. You couldn't learn enough. Please. Well, it's a little more subtle than that. My mother really did a number on you. Didn't she? That, that was a genuine answer. I really think. Your parents must be so proud. All that mush about being yourself, but you're exactly what they want you to be. No, you've got it the wrong way around. I'm just lucky enough that I. I think she was the same thing my parents wanted for me. How utterly convenient for you. It's not really as unlikely as you think. Your mother just wants the best for you, Cassie. If you keep an open mind, you might find a lot of common ground with everyone. Why do I even bother? I should have known my mother's hand-picked interview. We would be just another one of her stooches. Nice try. Well, but I'm over the shit. Yeah, it's basically just BFS. Duh. I know it doesn't look like a graph right away, but you know, once you see that sort of thing enough. Have you explained it enough? You get used to it. I better. These other interns are so intense. They've each got a bajillion projects under their belts. Sounds like high school. You'll show them, Nick. You always do. You're the toughest cookie. I know. I know. I know. And DFS works too, though, but I know you prefer BFS. Recursions a bitch. Yeah, well, it's my bitch. What? Nevermind. Just trying to be funny. Dark. I'll take that as a compliment. You seem a little more chipper. What, then before? Yeah. You have that look on your face. What look? The one you get when you don't like what somebody said about you. I've got an, I don't like what somebody said about me. Don't worry. It's not that obvious. I only notice it because. You do it a lot when I'm around. I like what you say about me. Generally. I'm calling you out on your frankly appalling fashion sense. Hey, I do best with what I've got. There's that look again. Sometimes I think you're more interested in how I'm feeling than I am. Of course. You're my boyfriend. In case you haven't noticed, I find everything about you terribly fascinating. Don't worry about me. I've got it covered. Come on. What is it? Rowdy students, parents not happy with you. Where'd you get that idea? All the stories I've heard about the parents here in the Bay Area, they seem like a handful. I know how to keep them happy. Don't get me wrong. Your parents are super chill. You haven't even met my dad yet. Okay. Well, your mom is. I suppose my dad is too. He mostly just like soaking around. When does he get back from China? Sometime next week. What's wrong? You know, I've never introduced him to a boy before. You know, I don't know if it's like that with your mom too. Yeah, but it's. Different with dads, you know. Totally. Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier. If you want to. Talk about it at all. Sure. I think for now, though, I just want to focus on my work. You know. Oh. Yeah. For sure. Thanks. Of course. Hey, are we still good to go out for breakfast tomorrow? Yeah. Well, it's just. I'm sorry. I don't realize. I'll find somewhere else though. Don't worry. No, it's not that it's just. I thought maybe you'd want to sleep in instead. You've been seeming really out of it lately. Have I? I suppose I've just got a lot going on. Aren't you teaching two classes now? What would the students your mom found you? Pretty much. And now this interview thing. I can handle it, Nick. Oh, no, I didn't mean you couldn't. The interview is probably not going to pan out anyway. This is for that essay contest, right? The one named after the kid you knew. Well, I barely knew him. I had only met him a handful of times. I'm surprised you remember. Hard to forget that sort of thing. Anyway, I didn't go so hot today. Cassie seems. Just interested to say the least. Hey, at least that's one thing off your plate. Is it. I feel bad just giving up on her like that. I mean, she's Maggie's daughter and Maggie's done so much for me. You've done a lot for her. I've been doing a lot for her possibly too much already. You're probably right. You know me, I'm too used to being busy. Yeah, I know. I just want to make sure you're doing okay. Do you feel like something's the matter with me? I mean, I wasn't going to put it like that. I'm sorry I haven't been at my best around you these past few days. Oh, no, don't worry. It's not about you and me. No, I know, I, I told you I was excited to spend time with you over the summer to show you where I grew up, but instead I just come home every day and work. It's okay. Well, I get it. I'm sure it's easy to get like that around here where everyone expects so much from you. I think I just expect a lot from myself. Not just you though, the whole. The whole virtual dynamic here. What do you mean? The other interns I met today. Freak me out. All they were talking about was other internships they'd done apps they built or business programs they'd attended or the new VP of finance or the latest news and big data or what have you. That's not me though. No. I've never really liked that crowd either. I'm spending my summer teaching high schoolers. I know I just. If anything, Nick, you're the one with the internship. Look, I'm not saying that's what you are. Yeah, it's just. This attitude. All of this seems really weird to me. It's not the kind of environment I'm used to. Or the kind that I'd even want for us. I know you didn't have the best first day. Even at your tutoring center. That's my work. I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. What did you mean? When I went to pick you up. I saw those students there. High schoolers, even middle schoolers learning Java or. Olympiad physics or. AP human geography. I didn't even know that was a thing until today. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Summer break. These kids should be having fun. Not stuck inside with textbooks all day. You know, it's not that simple. Why can't it be? It's our summer break too. And look what we're up to. That's what I mean. This. This incessant need to always be doing something to always be. Striving towards something. Never letting yourself take a break. It's already bad enough at Princeton, but here it seems like even the preteens feel that way. Just what I've seen. It seems like a lot for these kids. You know, no wonder all the high schoolers here are stressed out. No wonder all the interns think they have to show off all the damn time. I feel like that's what's really bothering you here though. Not just that. I told you I'm worried for you too. I feel like. That's why you're so tired all the time. I think it was worth it. Growing up in a place like this. It was stressful, but there's always going to be a little stress when you're trying to do something remarkable. I just had to learn how to channel that stress into something positive. Why are we expecting the remarkable from high schoolers? The stress shouldn't have to be a normal part of life for a teenager. Weren't you ever stressed out in high school? Not nearly as much as I am nowadays. Kids shouldn't have to deal with that yet. There's enough of it to come. How will they be prepared for that then when it does come? Can't spend every day of your life preparing for the next one. That's hardly a life at all. Nick, you know I love you, but you can't go around telling people from other cultures how they're supposed to live their lives. I'm sorry that was harsh. This isn't a cultural thing. I wasn't even going to take it there. You didn't have to. You're the one who took it there. I would have said that no matter what, you know, cultural background your student came from. That's exactly the problem, Nick. Different backgrounds, different circumstances. They necessitate different solutions. You can't bring your white boy from Washington world view down here and expect an Asian family from Cupertino to lap on us. You're not allowed to have an opinion on this then? You always get so defensive when we talk about stuff like this. I just, I don't want to seem insensitive. I don't want to be a white guy. You're going to say things like that sometimes. As long as you learn from it, it's, it's fine. You didn't let me finish. Okay. What? If this had nothing to do with me, I'd get it. I'd be overstepping, but it's not like I haven't got a stake in this. There is a non negligible chance. I'm going to get a job here and that I'm going to end up living here. That's true. And this is where you're from. It is. And I care about you. I love you. I love you too. Those other interns. Don't worry about them. It's the first day. I met my fair share of that type. I know it might not seem like it, but. Shockingly, they're human too. That's where all that talk is coming from. They're just as insecure as all the rest of us. And you, you're going to kick all their butts. I feel like that'd be frowned upon in a locked environment. The students are going through a lot. Yes. Their parents are pushing them harder than ever because they're worried they're not going to get into the colleges they want them to. But that's why I'm here to assuage their worries to try to make the classes as fun as possible. To show the students I'm on their side. And I know you certainly have a lot of faith in your own teaching ability. I can't teach all of them, of course. But trust me. I do what I can for the students I've got. I'm looking out for these kids. If you say so. I do. What about you? What about me? I was looking out for you. What about yesterday? I don't think it's going to work out with me and Cassie. Oh. I'm really sorry. It's not your fault. I wouldn't say it's Cassie's either. No. It's mine, isn't it? Oh, no, not at all. I wouldn't blame you for thinking so. You're not a parent. I've still got a lot to learn. In my mind. You are still a child. You two don't grow up faster than I could ever keep track. Sorry. We can't help it. When Cassie was 10. She told me I was a favorite person in the whole world. That's really sweet. Then she started middle school and everything changed. Middle school stuff. I don't have to be a favorite person in the world. I don't even care about that. I just want to be reassured to know for certain that she'll be okay. But all I see in front of Cassie is a big, bold question mark. Laughing at me. Taunting me. You're scared. Who wouldn't be? Were you ever scared for me? Of course I was. You didn't start studying for the SAT until the day before the test. You almost gave me a heart attack. Oh yeah. Sorry about that. I could highly sleep until the results came out. But you insisted that I had no reason to worry. Sure enough. Three weeks later. There it was. A 2400. Even when I was afraid for you. You always managed to prove me wrong. You were Cassie's age back then. Just heading into 11th grade. Yeah. Junior year was intense. I was taking a push in AP Lang and AP Physics C and AP stats. You always worked so hard. Cassie doesn't know the meaning of hard work. And you want someone to set an example for her. Any parent would. I get it. I just. I don't know if I can be that example. But all your students love you. And he never shuts up about that talk you gave with the cake. I'm pretty sure Cassie hates me though. I think she might actively be trying to hate me. If you brought her in again, I wouldn't even know where to start. Well, you might have done something right. What? Cassie would like to give the interview another shot. She told me she was over all this. You can ask her yourself. She's waiting right outside. I guess she must have changed her mind. See. I knew you would get through to Cassie. It's why I wanted you to talk to her in the first place. I thought. Didn't you ask the real estate investor. A diversionary tactic. I could get you to agree. It was always going to be you. Out of all my teachers. You've always been the one I trust the most. Then the interview. It's really just an excuse for me to talk to her. Oh no. The contest is important too. You understand, don't you. Cassie called it a ploy. She's always so cynical. It's a contest. It's for her own good. It's a chance for her to prove herself. Believe me. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I know that she is smart. My Cassie. Maybe not as smart as you. Oh no, don't, don't say that. She is bright. And yet. How will anyone know how bright she is. If she has nothing to show for it. That's what Cassie's writing. It's truly very good. I bet. She never lets me see most of it, of course, but what I do have. I should show you. It almost reminds me of some of Nathan's work. That good, huh? I wish I could just march up to the mission officers, shove it into their faces. I can't. That's what the contest is for. It's not about the contest. It's about acquiring something tangible. Something concrete. Something that will show them what I already know that Cassie has. I know how special she is. I just need other people to see it too. Or else her talents go to waste. Understood. You can trust me. I'll send her your way. Thank you. I have a few questions this time. I told my mother I'd have them today. I even printed out the prompt from the contest website. Do you ever teach with this Nathan guy? Yeah, we had different trips. But I still remember when my mom told me he passed away. He was very sudden. She didn't know I knew him. I thought my mother was the only one who told everyone he died. She put his photo up real big and everything. And then your mom told me again. It was like he was staring me down every time I came in here. Like I said, she wanted to honor him. But this interviews about you. Great. And I've thought it over. There might be more to you than what I gave you credit for. There's gotta be. You can't possibly be as picture perfect as you made yourself out to be yesterday. Well, I don't care how you present yourself. I want to find out who you really are. Then I'll have something to write about. What's the laptop for? Oh, sorry, don't mind this. I want to know. Consider it my first interview question. Well, I realized I might have expressed myself badly yesterday. Sorry about that, by the way. So I thought maybe I should just type of my thoughts instead. And then I'm going to email it to you and you can mold it into whatever you need it. You thought you could write my essay for me? No, not at all. I just thought perhaps I could explain my experiences to you more clearly in writing. No, thanks. Letting you write your own story would be too easy. I want you to come up with your answers on the spot. Fair enough. I'm going to ask a question. I'm going to ask a question. Ask away. Did your parents ever shout at you? Oh, yes. About what? One time when I was maybe like eight years old, I had a friend over and her mom brought me and my parents a banana cream cake. I complained. I didn't like banana. Later, my dad told me off for being rude. And I yelled back, how was I supposed to know I was being rude? You know, it was like expecting me to ace a test when nobody had taught me the material. It was only later that I realized that's why he had to call me out in the first place. He wanted to make sure I learned that gifts themselves are unimportant. It's the intention behind the gift that you have to be grateful for. What a cute little story. I got more of those if you'd like. God, you're infuriating. Sorry. Maybe you could try asking something else. What's something you enjoy that your parents can't stand? Pork. What? Well, my mom won't eat pork because she thinks it's gross. But I really like it. Okay. How has that affected your relationship? See, even though she won't eat pork, she's still really good at making things with pork in them. That baffled me for a while. How was she so good at making a dish that she herself had never tasted before? Eventually, I realized that it was her love for me. Her utter selflessness that led her to toil away at something she would never eat. It's kind of a Chinese thing. As a culture, we express our love not just with words, but with our actions, our diligence, dedication. So every day I try to follow my mom's example. I'm always on the lookout for the needs of others beyond my own and do the best I can do to help. Oh, thank God. You make me want to throw up, you know that. Look, Cassie, I can feel my stomach actively working against me. If you're going to interview someone, you got to be prepared to hear the answers. Even if the mind pork. In fact, especially if they don't line up with your preconceptions. Why are all your cause, your stories about food anyway? I don't know. I like food, I suppose. Have you ever thought about running away from home? No, not really. You've never just been like, fuck this, I'm out. I can't say I've ever felt that urge. What about just sneaking out of the house? Never. You haven't ever made your parents worry where you were. Not that I can remember. Not even once. Why don't we move on to a different question? Just humor me for a moment, won't you? Where are you going with this? You know what would happen if I went missing? My mother would freak in that freakish way of hers, and she'd frantically attempt to find me. Cassie, I think the first person she'd call would be the mother of my friend, Sydney. I've established this empirically, you see? Hang on. I wonder, hypothetically, if you've gone missing back in your high school days, what would be the first person your parents would call? Mother, will you come in here for a second? Okay, okay, look. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. You think I'm an idiot? You think you can just lie to me to my face like that? That was a personal... I thought you were still talking about running away from home. I didn't think that also included... Chinese parents love to gossip about other people's children. Always trying to make up some lesson about it, you know? My mother's told me all about your little midnight escapades sneaking out of the house to hook up with some dude in Jollyman Park. I'm not talking about this, Cassie. Who was that guy who picked you up yesterday? How do your parents feel about you dating him? Look, let's talk about something else. You haven't prepared your answer for that one? That's what you had pulled up on your laptop there, wasn't it? A bunch of anecdotes you'd already written up, all clean and tidy for me to hear? Why are you so mad at me? Because you're a fucking liar. I'm not. Look, I... Cut the shit. Cassie. I thought maybe... You were just neck deep in denial. I thought maybe, just maybe I could ring out a little bit of truth in you. Something honest, something that sounded like what an actual human being might say. But I am a human being. What I'm saying, what's coming out of my mouth, that's me talking. It comes from me. That's what I really mean. It's not what you wanted to hear, but... No, it's what you want me to hear. It's the truth. I'm not trying to hide anything from you or trick you or lie to you or anything like that. I just didn't want to go into private stuff. Yeah, you're all just about the public side, aren't you? Don't think you can fool me. I see how it is. You have zero interest in helping me. You just want to preserve your cute little nice guy image. My God. If you can't appreciate my help, I don't... And you know what the worst part is? What? Worse than all this? Even after you got your stupid ass caught hooking up in a playground by my mother? She still thinks that you're better than me. I don't know why you keep saying that. I don't know why you keep denying it. But that's a wrong attitude. It's toxic. That's exactly what I... You're right. It is toxic. Thank you. She almost had me believing it, but with the looks she kept giving me, those passive aggressive remarks. She goes to Princeton, she said. I think you could learn a thing or two from him, she said. Your mom just... All parents do it. They say things you can't take it to heart. You can't let them get to you. And I won't. Not anymore. Because she's wrong and you're not better than me. You're right. I'm not. That's why I... You only think that because you know how to hide it better. That's not... No, that's not... Because you've taken yourself, taken your soul, rolled it into a tight little ball, and stuffed it where nobody can find it. What does that even mean? You've taken your body and rubbed it and molded it and scrubbed it clean until it was exactly what your parents wanted to see. What my mother wanted to see. What your teachers wanted to see. No. The counselors and the Princeton admissions office wanted to see. It was what I wanted to see. It's what you had to see. It's what you needed to see. Because that's all you know how to do. I wonder what you're like when you're on your own because you'd never let anyone see that. Would you, Mr. Private Stuff? No, you're twisting my words. I resent that. Oh, really? I let you interview me, didn't I? Hardly. Obviously, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna tell you everything. Oh, obviously. Silly me. How could I possibly have thought you'd let me in? I bet you never let anyone in. I let people in. I have a boyfriend. I have friends I tell things to. But it's never everything, is it? You never quite show anyone everything because you're scared of what they find. You're worried that they're horrified and that they'd be horrified because you're absolutely terrified of that, aren't you? No. You know what I think they'd find? A completely different person living in your skin. A person you've tied up with rope and held captive in the basement somewhere in the dark recesses of your mind. There's not some secret other me. I don't know why you keep saying that. You're torturing him, aren't you? But you tell yourself it's okay because it's worth it just to be the person that this town has told you you're supposed to be. But you're wrong. It's not worth it. Nothing, nobody, not some college admissions committee, not some fucking panel of judges, and not the glorified fucking memory of Nathan Chung you've all cooked up and certainly not my mother is worth ending up like you. I'll suck up. A coward. A fake. We're done here. Where's she going? Will, what's wrong? I'm sorry, Maggie. Where are you going? Will? Cassie, get back in here. What's going on? I suffered a major disappointment. Good. You can get a taste of what that feels like for once. What did you do? Why do you always think I'm the one who did something? This is all Will's fault. Actually, no, you know what? This is on you. You're the one who fucked him up just like you're always fucking me up and now he's fucked in the head and now I'm not fucking up ending. I'm not fucking ending up like him. Don't talk to me like that. Fine. No worries. I'll get out of your way. What? You heard me. I'm getting out of here. Where do you plan to go? I'm going to get out of here. Have you thought any of that through? Of course not. It's like you always tell me I never think anything through. Well, if you only bothered to try. You know, I tried to think this through this interview. Clearly fucked up on that. You call that trying? What am I supposed to say to Will now? I don't give a shit about him anymore. I thought I could. I really did. I thought just maybe there was a chance I could make this work and I could turn this into something for me, not something, something that I want to strive for, not just whatever you want for me. I only ever want the best for you. No, you want, you only want me to follow your path because you're too scared of any other option. You don't have any other option. That's a lie. And maybe you've deluded yourself into believing it, but I'm not going to let you infect me with it anymore. You haven't the faintest idea what's out there. No, because I've been stuck here all my life. Oh, and you're going to move somewhere else now. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. You wouldn't even know where to go. You got a C minus and middle school geography. Remember? Anywhere is better than here. And how do you think you'll feed yourself? I'll figure something out. You don't even know how to cook because you never help out in the kitchen when I asked you to. You don't even know how to cook, clean up after yourself. You always do this. You always start dredging everything up. You can't just let me be a fuck up sometimes. The world will not wait for your messes. That is not how it works. Oh yeah, how does it work then? You'd know if you ever listened to me. See, I don't think you know either. No one here does. This place is so cut off from reality that everything's all twisted. That's why I bring you people who have gone to other places like Will. Oh, please. Will doesn't know shit. He doesn't know shit. He knows it's your brainwashing. And you moved here when your brain was too old and stale to learn anything new. And you're all like that. You've taken over this town with your fucked up mindset and shoved it down everyone's throats and you keep it that way because it keeps the cash rolling in. But I'm not buying it anymore. What do you think you're doing? What do you think you're going? Cassie. Cassie. Is everything okay? Are you just sitting here? My bad. That's not what I meant. I mean, what happened? Nothing happened. Don't worry about it. I just wasn't expecting you. I wanted to surprise you. What's wrong? Talk to me. Why do you always think something's wrong? I don't always think something's wrong. I'm just worried about you. Frankly, you look kind of awful. I'm just worried about you. Wow. Hey, you're always on my case about how I look. What kind of faces I'm giving you, but do you mind? Could you just maybe look the other way for a moment and trust me on this one? Please, babe. You know, you're not as good of an actor as you think. What does that even mean? I'm not acting. Seriously? I'm not. I've been nothing but honest to you. I promise. Really? Is that what you think? No. Please, if there's anything I did wrong, if you feel like I haven't been honest at all, or look, I can fix it. You can trust me. I don't want to fix you, Will. No, I'm not saying you have to fix me. I just, I'll fix myself. I'll do the fixing. Come on. You know me. I can fix anything. I just want you to be okay. How's that different from fixing me? It's just, I think it's something about this town. You know, it's not you, like not entirely, but it brings out something in you. What are you talking about? Look, maybe we should, it's almost the weekend. We could just get out of here for a couple of days. Oh. Yeah. It's not me you want to fix. It's this town. I mean, maybe. All right, then. How are you going to fix it? I don't, Will, come on. You know, I'm genuinely curious. How are you planning on fixing this? You're stressed out. I can tell. Stress. Wait. That's what you want to get rid of. I mean, why wouldn't I just gather up all that stress and chuck it down the garbage. Well, I don't know. You think you can just show up here with your oh, so brilliant ideas, be like, Hey, stop stressing out and just change things. I didn't. You don't know anything about these kids. You don't know what they have to go through. I don't. But I do. This is my home. Okay. These are my students in my town. I know how they tick. I've been teaching for nine years. How old were you when you started that? I was a child. I was a kid at the time. It was just grooming. If Maggie had you going that really, that's fucked up. You haven't got a clue what you're talking about. I know what you told me. You said you knew what you were doing. And then I show up here and you're sitting all alone in the parking lot. And it makes me wonder if you actually do. You said, I could trust you that you'd. Right. So it's your trust. I'm betraying now. Is that it? You're the victim here. for you. I'm not trying to make you feel... Why you're all up in arms about this, isn't it? You don't care about my students. You don't care about me. You're just worried that if I had such high expectations of my students, what's to stop me from expecting the same of you? Right? What's to stop your boss from thinking, gee, maybe I'd rather have these high schoolers working for me? That's why you're scared of. That's why you're so worked up over this. That's why you don't want... I am scared. I am scared that I'm not enough. That I'll never be enough. You're right. You're right again. You're always right. Are you happy now? Nick, I guess the folks that led me into Princeton really got me, huh? Telling me that I'm special, that if I tried hard enough, I could come out on top. Even if I came in not knowing a lick of Python or whatever, that's okay. But then I come here and everyone around me, there are high school sophomores coaching sixth graders for coding contests that my fancy-ass college classes don't even scratch the surface of and all I can think is, how the hell am I supposed to compete with that? Do you hear yourself? Do you seriously feel threatened by middle schoolers? I feel threatened by a system that tries to ring out every ounce of energy I've got. You don't get to complain about the system. You get a face at a career fair that recruiters actually going to tell apart from the next one. You get to see Tim Cook on your screen showing off his toys every year. You get to remind your managers of their sons. You don't even have to tell people what's different about you if you don't want to. I tell people I have a boyfriend. You have that choice. These kids don't get any of that, so I let them have me instead. You don't owe them that. You're just perpetuating the same thing. What do you want from me? Break down and cry on your shoulder. You think that'll make it all better? That's not how this works. There are people out there, students, parents, my own mom and dad who are counting on me, Nick, who expect things from me any minute now. My boss is going to walk out that door asking me what the hell happened and I got to be ready. I got to do what I always do. I fix things. I set them right because I can because people need me to because I know how and nobody else does because that's what I'm here for. That's what I have to. That's what I'm supposed to do. No, Nick, wait. Nick. You're going to starve or get mugged or rest or die of thirst? Come on, Nick. I'm sorry. Please, Cassie. Nick. Cassie. Nick. Maggie. Will. What are you doing down here? Have you seen Cassie? No. Maggie, what's wrong? Cassie, she can't survive on her own. She doesn't even know how to cook. A C minus in geography. Maggie, come down. What are you talking about? I tell her and explain to her. She just won't listen. Maggie. What? Just tell me what's wrong. Is Cassie, did she run off or something? Don't worry about it. But I'm. I'm sorry. You had to see that well. I'm so embarrassed. Let's forget this ever happened, okay? What about Cassie? Cassie is my problem. Thank you for trying your best, Will. But she's just not like you. No, that's she's her own person. She doesn't have to be like me. Do you really think so? What? Look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Would it happen better for me if Cassie was easy to raise as you? I don't know. Your parents are so lucky. I'm not sure if that's never mind. Go home, Will. What? No, Maggie. Let me help you. How can you help? You're only a child yourself. But you taught me to look beyond that. You taught me that it doesn't matter how young I am. I can do things older people can't do, Maggie. I never told you anything like that. You didn't have to. It was from the way you trusted me, like with my SAT or when I redesigned your AMC curriculum from scratch or that that one time when you said when I Everything's fine, Will. Things will sort themselves out. You should just go home right now. Why did you let me lie to you about Nathan? What? You know, when I found out he died, but I still came to work that night. You didn't lie. I acted like I didn't know he was dead. I know you did. Because I didn't know if you knew and I didn't want to be the one to tell you. You told me all of this afterward, Will. So I just taught my classes if nothing happened. Yes, but I even wished you a good week. I remember. But you had no idea until I told you? I didn't. Didn't you think it was weird that a 16 year old knew how to do that? Just shut in all my feelings and pretend I didn't know someone had died? Weird? No, I wouldn't say that. I didn't think so. Because what I remember is later that week, once I actually told you I'd been pretending, you sounded impressed. I was impressed. You said I could work for the FBI. You could be whoever we needed you to be. But tonight, I need you to just go back home. That was a good thing. Like being able to hold my composure of a dead 14 year old was something to be proud of. You made me feel so damn proud of myself. You should be proud. Proud to be so strong. Proud to be your top student because you know I learned it from you. I didn't have to teach you that. You didn't have to tell me to do it. Because you already knew how to do it yourself. No, I just watched you do it. Because it wasn't just me that night acting like everything was fine. You knew he died as sure as I did. And you were hiding it from me too. These are all things I told you, Will. You don't think I learned from you how to pretend when you rewarded me for it? You gave me more classes to teach, told me you were proud. Okay. Maybe you did learn it from me. You always were a quick study. And you don't think there's anything wrong with that? What you call pretending, I call being responsible. I had to set my feelings aside. I had to be what Nathan's parents needed me to be. They lost a son and they needed me. You didn't need me though. You didn't need me to do any of that. I never had to ask you to help me. You always just did it yourself. Because all I ever wanted was to make you proud. Make my parents proud because I grew up around people like you. People who've rolled up their souls and hid them away. No, look at me. It's second nature. It's all I know. You sound like... Nancy? Yeah. She said I tied up the real me and stuffed him real deep somewhere. She's always so cynical. Yeah. And she's damn good at recognizing when someone's repressing stuff too. I wonder why. She doesn't know what you've been through, Will. What I've been through. She would never understand. What if she's right? No. Will, if you heard the things she said to me... How did she know you called me with that guy at Jollyman Park? Did you tell her? She told me you told her. I must have. Did you want her to interview me that badly? No. You just let it slip so she'd have something juicy to write about? I would never do that to you. What? Yeah. Will, I know what Cassie said was harmful. But I'm not the bad guy here. You know that. I'm not sure what I know anymore, Maggie. It's Cupertino. How many places can you really go? Fuck this place. I used to come here all the time for crepes before they closed down. Me too. Can't believe they turned it into another stupid boba place. Hey, don't hate on boba. We don't need another, a 45th boba place. I swear, everybody's obsessed with that shit. It makes you want to puke. Because you don't like it or because everyone else does? You think I just enjoy being contrarian? Am I wrong? You're getting better at your food-based peripals. That one was almost subtle. I wish you were wrong more often. Boy, that smug little smile off your face. I can tell you're used to being right. You enjoy it too much. Maybe I do. You're very perceptive. My own life's a bore. I'm used myself by studying other people. And the others here aren't as boring? Oh, no, they are. Of course. But then I know I'm not the only one. It helps me forget I'm alone for a bit. You're not alone. There you go again with your motivation, no bullshit. I can prove it. How? Because you were right. Of course I was. Wait, but how? I'm a fake. I'm a suck-up. And a coward and a stooge and a fucking liar and everything else you called me. And most of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have used the park incident against you. That wasn't fair. I accept your apology. And I yours. So you admitted that. Yeah, you win. Somehow this doesn't feel very satisfying. I'm sorry, I'm stalling. This is, um, this is difficult for me. Really? I can't imagine anything would be difficult for you. Well, it's supposed to be the first time for everything. What is it you find difficult? Being honest. Not being fake. I don't find it as easy as you do. Clearly, that's worked in your favor. Internally, at least. And internally? I haven't a clue what's happening internally anymore. Start with the simple stuff. You've got a brain, stomach, lungs, liver. That's reassuring. A heart, presumably. I'm scared. Definitely a heart then. I'm scared I'm not going to get into the grad schools I'm applying to. What else? I'm so scared I'm not going to get into any of the grad schools I'm applying to that I haven't even began to research what grad schools I'm applying to and that just makes me more unlikely to get into any of them and consequently more scared. Awful. What else? I'm scared of introducing it to my dad. What else? I'm scared of how my dad will react to him. Even though everything will probably turn out fine. Nope. Even though everything will most certainly not be fine and I already know that but I'm scared anyway. What else? I'm scared Nick thinks I'm fucked up. What else? I'm scared Nick will leave me because he thinks I'm fucked up. What else? I'm scared he's right. What else? I'm scared that he's wrong and really he's the one who's a terrible person but that I won't find it in my heart to leave him because I love him too much. What else? I'm scared I don't actually love him at all and I only think I love him because that's how I think I'm supposed to feel towards someone I've been seeing for nearly a year. What else? I'm scared your mom's not going to want to teach me or not want me teaching anymore now that she's seen me like this. What else? I'm scared your mom and I won't ever actually talk about today and I'll just go back to teaching and we'll both just act like nothing happened like we always do. What else? I was too scared nobody would hire me over the summer that I didn't even try to apply to anything which is why I wound up teaching for your mom again because it was a sure bet and therefore the easy way out. What else? I'm scared I always take the easy way out but things have always been way too easy for me all the time that one day I'm going to hit an actual obstacle and not just what I wrote about for a college essay and I'll have no idea what to do and this meticulously constructed world I've built for myself will all come crashing down. What else? I'm scared I've been performing for so long I don't know who I am anymore. This is? I'm scared. What? This is you everything you just said you're all of that. I'm a collection of my fears. Your fears make you human. No. No. I'm more than just what I'm afraid of. Are you now? You mean your parents my parents all the parents and kids in this area we're all just scared but we don't have to let that fear control us the way it controls our parents. The world's a scary place. Yes. We're always going to fail. That's true. Almost every time I've told myself I'm being paranoid about something it turns out the exact weirdly specific thing I thought about I thought what I was being paranoid about actually happens. Yeah I get that too. But somehow I'm not going to let it get to me. Exactly. How? By pretending. By performing. By putting on a brave face. It's awful. Yes and and you have to watch yourself it's true or you'll end up like me. I went too far but it's the direction you have to go. Thanks. I hate that. Well sometimes you have to pretend. You have to lie to get through you. Oh god you lie so hard until it becomes your truth. Haven't you ever lied to your parents before? When I was 10 years old I told my mother she was my favorite person in the whole wide world. She still talks about it. I know sad isn't it? Terribly so. If I said it to her again she'd probably forgive me. I'm sure you know her better than I do. She forgot how scared she was at least for a bit maybe a week if I'm lucky. Long enough for you to think of something else. I can keep that up two years isn't so bad. Actually they can be pretty horrendous. Yeah but they'll end. If they don't end you first. Sorry. Bit much. No uh at least that was honest. I'm gonna try to be. Let's let's get you home Cassie. No no no no no no no no you're doing it again. What did I do? You don't get to turn this into another one of your neat little lessons all right. I wasn't trying to. God you don't even know you're doing it do you? I didn't. Did I? I guess maybe I. Think about what you just said. Oh god I did didn't I. That wasn't. God how do I. Just stop trying to teach me. I just wanted to make sure you're. Go back to what you said all those scary things. I don't want to just dump all my anxieties on you. Yeah don't worry I don't want that either. So what do I. Then don't say them now say them later. Um you can't just shut them down again. Feel them write them down. Talk to your boyfriend go to therapy. Okay maybe you don't really want to face your fears do you. I'm scared they're my fears they're scary that's why they're my fears. You think you think you're not letting them control you you're just ignoring them letting them fester letting them feast on your guts stop that give in let them share the wheel. I don't know if I can allow myself that there are people counting on me. You're counting on you you owe it to yourself. I've some goddamn self-respect. I don't know how. Doesn't matter you gotta start trying you gotta keep trying and you can't ever let yourself forget it. You want my advice. Yeah yeah I do. Start with the scream. Cassie wait. What. Maybe we shouldn't be screaming out here in public. Like somebody's bound to hear us look there's a there's a there's a car over there what if they think I'm I don't know kidnapping you or something I mean I can I can see why you're screaming would maybe be a good idea let off some steam but if you want to do it maybe maybe we should find somewhere else a little more. What. Oh sorry. Everyone for coming a big round of applause virtual round of applause to our Cass here and our playwright Nelson we just want to say thank you and to remember to look into donating to the Ogre project as well as BAM's festival Nelson I'm turning over to you. Yeah special thanks to Makayla our dramaturg Mavis Manolato Michael Rose Grant Tron Stage Dr Ken Urban and all the and everyone here who came see this for your support for making this possible there's a feedback form somewhere I think someone like wherever you're watching this from there should be some way to find it look look for yeah keep it on yeah I think it's in the comments of the zoom and also in the bye I want to say somewhere in the caption on Facebook and how around thank you