 Good morning John, I'm back and I'm officially a dad which means that I can make a video that I've wanted to make for years but did not feel qualified until this moment. This is 41 dad jokes in under four minutes. Now that I have a son, you might say that I have a dad bod. But I'd rather call it a father figure. I don't know if you know this, but I can cut through wood just by looking at it. Yeah, I didn't believe it at first either, but I saw it with my own eyes. You know what the loneliest cheese is? Provalone. Also, did you hear about the explosion of the cheese factory? Yeah, it was terrible. The only thing left was debris. I just found out my friend was dating a communist. He really should have noticed. There were so many red flags. To the man who stole my thesaurus, I have no words for how angry I am. You know, I've always hated elevators, which is why I've recently started taking steps to avoid them. Hey, how long does dinner gonna be? Oh, uh, like, this, this long? You know, I like to wear these leather shoes when I'm sneaking around at night because they are literally made of hide. I cannot wait for my son to one day say to me, Dad, I think I have your sense of humor so that I can say to him, You give that back! So why does scuba divers fall backwards out of boats? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat. All right, uh, wh-what are you doing? I'm looking for Will Smith. He always leaves fresh prints. I love how the earth rotates. It really makes my day. Hey, how does dinner smell? Through its nose, I guess. Feeling cranky, baby? There's a nap for that. You know, I don't like Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves. Dude, what is so funny? Oh, I'm looking at mountain ranges on Google Images. They are hilarious. Oh, boiling water. You will be missed. You know, I realized that Orion- Aw. Are you resisting arrest? That's okay. I don't want them to accuse me of kidnapping. Orion's belt. Huge waste of space. You get it like, waste, waste of space? Yeah, I know, I get it. This is not a great joke. I give it three stars. Aw. Are you done with your nap? This is my baby. Hey. How are you doing? Okay, we're gonna take you to mommy. Sorry. What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Hyundai! What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm, uh, I'm measuring your patience. Ow. What do you get when you divide a poop into three pieces? Turds. You get turds. How many sides does a circle have? That is actually a really interesting- Two! The outside and the inside. Man, can I eat a case of DEA right now? A whole case? Why don't you just start with one DEA and see how you feel from there? Hey, how's the temperature out there? It's pretty nice. You only need, like, a jean jacket. Oh, so it's in the 80s? What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach? Oh, no! Michelle! That's my Barack Obama impersonation. I've been working on it. So these two pharaohs, they farted at the same time. Yeah, they had a toot in common. Oh, son, I'm glad I'm not your math book. It has got so many problems. What's the difference between a roast beef and a pea soup? Anybody can roast beef. How do locomotives know where to go? They go through lots of training. Hey, do you know where we can get chicken stock and bulk? Yeah, at the stock market. Hey, what are you reading? This, it's a mystery. I mean, doesn't it say right on the cover? One time I was at this really skeezy bus stop and there was a lobster with boobs. Yeah, it was a bus-decre station at the Krusty bus station. Hey, um, do you serve fish here? Yeah. Yeah, we do. Excellent. Dave will have the steak. Oh, and man, there's a hole in my shoe. It's how I get my food in it. John, it was real pat on the back for me when Organic Valley decided they were gonna sculpt me out of butter. It was a very big deal for me. It was a churning point in my life. I think it made me a butter man. That actually is the thing that happened. Organic Valley sculpted me out of butter because people voted on Twitter enough. And finally, you know what my very first dad joke of dadhood was? We were headed out and he needed a new diaper and so I was like, I'm gonna change him real quick. I put him on the changing table and I said, now what am I gonna change you into? A rhinoceros? And I was like, yes, I'm a dad. I made an embarrassing joke and I got peed on and I'm officially a dad and I love it, John. I'll see you on Tuesday. I cannot believe how many jokes videos I've made over the years. You can watch all of them. I made a playlist. Boop-de-doop-doop-doop. Bop!