 Have you ever heard that communication is the key to a successful relationship? But it's rather cliche because I believe most people don't actually know how to be Communicators in a relationship. I think most people have poor emotional maturity and poor relationship skills So let me ask you Marie. Have you ever been with a man who was a poor communicator? Yes. What was that like? It was like swimming against the current swimming against the current But with a riptide take you away, too Well, what was some of the frustrations? I mean share what it felt like to be with someone who was a poor communicator and you couldn't let me let me add to that When you could not express how you feel and it wasn't received. How did that feel? Well, I think the worst thing is not feeling like you're being heard Doesn't that's why I mean like swimming against the current because it was always a struggle to try and Be, you know, understand and be understood. Yeah Well, you know, it's interesting because I found from the moment I met you or at least physically met you I felt like you're an excellent communicator. I mean you were really good at expressing yourself and that's a how did you learn that skill? Well, first of all, I didn't know I was that Okay And clearly with you your receptive it's a lot easier to communicate Okay, so did you actually notice that in the beginning? I mean, did you know not to suggest I'm not receptive, but could you tell I was receptive? Well, you wanted to unpack everything Okay all right, so what's interesting is a couple things I want to share today is Marie and I had something we just came back from a trip to Florida and we had something that happened During a party we're at where I annoyed her and while I don't want to get into the particulars of what happened because that's really irrelevant But we were in a situation where you pulled me aside and we had a conversation about something that annoyed you and In that moment we kind of had a difference of opinion. Yeah, it wasn't going very well Okay, and and I said let's drop this and pick it up later because I didn't want it to spoil the party And what I appreciated is and I wasn't like a command. Let's drop it I'm like, let's just enjoy the prop party and revisit this and you did you didn't harbor a garage You kind of we we kind of got back even though we were like at two ends of the football field We kind of got back close to the middle for the benefit of the people that were at the party with and certainly for ourselves What happened the next morning was you want to talk about it? Well, we weren't We weren't gonna just let that You know be and swipe it, you know sweep it under the rug. Yeah, well, I wanted to It wasn't a big deal. Yeah, it wasn't a big deal But in the moment it felt like a big deal so but so the next day it was for both sides It's not for me and and for you because you can't just ignore that it happened Well, I think two things happened by when we took a break was we could kind of we you know We're we're at it at two ends of the field so to speak by taking a break It allowed us to come to the center to some degree, but most importantly what happened was I Was no longer defensive about what happened and I could actually say okay, how can you even said this? You know, how could we resolve this as a team? You know you were like you treat as like okay. This is something that came up How do we resolve this as a team and so when it comes to how to tell men what you want I'm gonna talk about some some examples in a moment. Well, we were flying back I was actually listening to the book a hold me tight by Sue Johnson I want everybody to see this really quickly hold me tight by Sue Johnson By the way in the description below are my book recommendations so you can get a copy of this book What it talked about in the book were called demon dialogues. These are conversations that create havoc in relationship And also in the book it again, here's a copy of the book hold me tight It talks about attachment styles and it talks about ways to resolve communication issues and I know I said this in the beginning you really are great at communicating And I and again, I'm always fascinated because I think what's your secret because you're good at bringing stuff up So do you have any insights for everyone watching like how you think you navigate communication? Well, he's putting me on the spot Um, you know, I just try and think of how I would like someone to communicate with me when something is not right And I just that's all I do really it's like, okay, if I was in if the shoe was The other way around how how would I want how would you want to receive it? So, okay, so now mind you you said something you have a receptive person in me So that certainly helps I think it's difficult for many of you that find yourself in In dynamics where it's not a receptive person I'm going to give you some tips in a few minutes of how to navigate those conversations But most importantly I learned something a long time ago. You can be right or you could be happy And I think one of the things you do is you don't approach a problem with I'm right and you're wrong No, because there's always some everybody has something to contribute to the problem and the solution Oh, so in fact when you talked to me the next morning one of the things I really appreciate it was You took ownership for your being annoyed Like I really was like whoa, you know, you didn't you apologize to me in a way And you've you almost started the conversation apologizing to me first Even though I was the one who triggered you. Oh and what she did say though You started by sharing something triggered me Hmm. Do you remember that? Yeah. Okay. Why do you think it's by framing it that way is important Oh For me it was like just letting you know that it's not You didn't cause the this but something you said Triggered me. Okay. And do you remember that you talked about a childhood memory or a childhood experience? Okay, so folks this is really critically important right now When you share with someone you got triggered it's usually something from your past that's creeping in or seeping in or That residue is coming in in the moment. So it's not In a way you said I felt like you said this isn't your fault But this is how it happened to me in the past and this is how I feel about that Yep By the way, folks when people think I interrupt her at times It's sometimes I just know you're not going to say anything more Even though it may look like you're gonna like you look like you almost were going to say something more And you didn't I have to process things. Sometimes I pause and think so it's You know and I he can talk and talk and talk and you know, I have to think about what I'm going to say to Okay, well, that's an interesting point So think before you speak. Did you ever teach your children that? Think before you act I hope I did You know, I think in relationships oftentimes people blurt things out without actually thinking about what they're saying So one of the things by taking a pause like we did. Is that you telling me something? By taking a pause and revisiting it but by taking a pause we also Didn't allow it to affect the party Revisit things when you feel comfortable So I'm going to share some tips on communication and how to improve your relationship. By the way, I found this on the internet You can google this and um, you know, I'm not necessarily this is profound that I wrote this But some of the tips for better communication is asking open-ended questions So when you said let's unpack this because that's how you started it Um, you know, you obviously in that particular case you wanted a yes or no answer Um, you you said what came up for you? Like that that's an example of an open-ended question a closed-ended question is basically typically a yes or no By saying what you said what came up for you last night. It allowed me to share from my perspective You remember that Not exactly Okay. Oh, by the way, I surprised you we were going to talk about this but so first off always ask open-ended questions and I think one of the questions that Men resist and yet I think it's important to ask men these questions is Feeling questions or what came up for you when this happened What came up for you and allow them to express how they felt now It's it. I know this is challenging because many people get defensive right off the bat This is something you have to practice something called non-violent communication and you might want to check out the book I'm going to reach out. We're here and grab it The book is called non-violent communication by marshal Rosenberg. Do you remember marcie and I were talking about this? Okay, this is a great book to learn It's the reason why it's called non-violent is when we come approach a conversation from a combative place It feels rather violent. So coming at it from a place of love Oh, that's it. I did say that. Yeah. What did you say? I said that I'm good. I want I want to start discuss this in a loving way I remember that you wanted to discuss this in a loving way. That was a great primer To start the conversation a couple other things to notice is pick up on non-verbal cues people's facial reactions You know, most people think, you know, it's funny in the dating realm Everybody thinks that texting is a form of communication. Do you realize that 90 percent of communication is non verbal It's all there. It's your pheromones. It's your facial gestures. It's your hand movements and stuff like that's real communication That's why a lot of people think oh my god. I talk to them all the time. Yeah texting is just is not real communication It's just providing information to one another A couple other things to think folks ladies and men don't try to read the other person's mind No, I think oftentimes when communication is we project On what the other person is going to say or we project how they're going to react That's that's a no-no. Don't don't read. Don't try to read Wait, what did I say? Don't try to read their mind Allow a person to express how they feel and and remember somebody's truth Isn't the truth. It's just the truth for them Okay, a couple other things set aside time to talk. That's what we did we said sign time remember a conversation is a two-way street To lane street. It's two people, you know communicating with one another and then tell them what you need from them But more importantly Like marie started. I want to have a loving conversation That's this way you disarm everything. These are just some simple tips to improve communication in a relationship Do you have anything to say? No, did it work between us? I think so. Yeah, we got over it You know the other thing is you have to pick Also, I think sometimes you have to pick your battles Yeah, I agree about picking the battles, but sometimes it's not one thing that upsets the other person Yeah, sometimes it it may be a bunch of little things that then start piling up and then that's when you just go, okay This i'm upset Now one thing we've done since the very beginning of our relationship is I don't think we've allowed anything to sweep Under the rug if something comes up we deal with it right away even the little things Right, except for that evening. Well, no, but I mean well when I say right away We did it within 12 hours, you know, it wasn't like I mean if it happened at six at night You know, we talked about it seven in the morning. Well in a couple glasses of wine did not help Yes, and that's oh actually that's another good point Some of the most contentious aspects of a relationship happens Through the the consumption of alcohol when you're in a completely different state of consciousness at that point I don't recommend trying to resolve issues when there's alcohol involved No But more importantly set aside time to have discussions now This is how to tell a man what you want from them I want to go on to share a couple more things and then we're going to take questions in a moment Ladies first and foremost if you have something you want to talk about with men It doesn't have to be a disagreement. It could be where's this relationship going it could be You know other facets of the relationship most importantly decide what you actually want I'm saying this almost laughingly, but I think you listen to enough of my conversations with clients One of the number one issues I've noticed with women is an absolute lack of clarity When it comes to what do you really want in the form of a relationship? I I it's it's interesting women go through my proprietary coaching program By the way, there's a link below to get a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you One of the things I notice so often they go through this proprietary coaching program And do you know what they say every single time can you guess? Um, why wasn't I taught this in school? Why was Yeah, why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I married the wrong guy? One of the fundamental Challenges I notice most women have is they think they know what they want But until you actually process this in a way to get clarity for within yourself How can you ever get what you want if you don't know what you want my song from? Right, but you don't know what you want until you know Well, okay, I think most women and men know what they don't want Yeah, do you remember what your dating profile used to say? About you used to you wrote down things you didn't want Remember, I told you to take it out. Oh, we talked about this the other day. I had Yeah, at the end of my profile I had like a kind of like a disclaimer about you know the fish pictures like who likes men holding a fish Um stuff like that But but I the point is Rather than focusing or drawing attention to what you don't want I'm here to hyper Invite you to focus on what you do want Because if you're going to have a conversation with a man and I had this with a client once, um She said jonathan. I want more commitment out of the relationship. I mean, I'm like What does that look like for you? And she screamed it louder and louder and louder thinking talking about it louder was actually addressing it But if you don't if you can't articulate what you want, we men are mind readers like what we talked about before Um always use positive reinforcement when you're having when you're asking for something from someone You know, maybe share what you appreciate about them what you're grateful about them. Um You know, it's good to it's good to praise people Because especially when you're you know, and I'm sorry to interrupt you It's um, it's really great to start a conversation with something positive because then they'll Probably listen better. Yeah So like you have great hair I say that about you by the way ladies for the record. I don't dye my hair. I've heard it He does it. I don't dye my hair. I just my my mom and dad blessed me with hair that is just the color that it is So I have to dye my hair every three weeks and this guy Yes, some scattered grays here and there so Okay, number two number three be honest and forth, right? You know, we men aren't mind readers But more importantly, we don't know how to read through the muck sometimes ladies Have a capacity to say in 10 000 words and we can only hear in about 50 words So be straightforward be direct if you have an issue with us Sometimes start with what the problem is and then tell us the backstory because telling us the backstory We've already lost you and then we're like, what's the problem? um, let us know exactly what you need you know to to feel safe And a couple other things don't criticize and more importantly don't badger a man. This is obvious But this is the point I want to stress most importantly When two people engage in a relationship You have to decide are you a teammate with one another? Like are you on the same team? When you want to express something start like when you said I want to share something in a loving way Or we're both a team in this and I want to resolve this or I want to get to some conclusion As a team. It's not my point of view is right. It's not your point of view is right. It's the we that matters most Do you agree? Yeah, okay All right. Well, I I wanted to quickly talk about what how to tell a man what you want from him I hope I gave you some tips. I hope we gave you some tips I know maria's a master at this so today if you have questions on how to bring something up Um, write the word question then post the question. Let's let's test marie's skill on how to bring things up I know I just caught you off guard totally We're gonna do it together Um, by the way, if you have a question write the word question post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker Super chat all the money's from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor I was like that's him in his little woody outfit there He's my son who passed away almost five years ago in his honor I donate to causes like the hoffman process insight institute and now I want to donate to your cousin marcie's program which is um helping children who have been abandoned by their parents in columbia children that are Terminally ill I want to start donating to that. So if you have a question hit that little dollar sign to donate Um and you can post your question there or if you're watching the replay hit that super thanks button So let's I saw a couple questions come in earlier. So let's see what we've got here Bear with me Um, well, I know I saw something come in Oh, here we go sunshine Question, how do you let you know? How do you let your new three week? Dating guy fifties. No, he needs to be better dresser Where are other clothes that don't look like so? Oh, where's older clothes? Where's older clothes? All right, honey You're the master at this. How would how did you tell me? No That I don't think it really applied. I just thought before we might when he told me he was a flip-flops kind of guy You know, that's fine in chicago flip-flops in december are not going to work. So Um, the way But think of the clients well, yes, okay. I'm getting there. Okay. Okay So I With you I just said, you know, I think it would look much more professional if you did this You know, just like your friend max is doing. Yeah So but how would you okay, but you're in a relationship with someone who isn't in front of the camera What would you say to them if you'd like them to dress nicer? And by the way, my friend jeff had the same issue with his previous relationship. Oh really? Yeah, she took him clothes shopping Well, that's that's a good way of doing it or you know what it depends on where you're going and what you're doing Like if you're just gonna go take a walk. Yeah, you can wear whatever you want But if you are going to a nicer place and you want him to dress nicer, he probably doesn't even know how to dress I'm guessing Um, maybe that's the best way to do it. Let's say let's go shopping I would love to see you in this this would look great on you and I think that's in there I think that's probably the least confrontational way, you know, I'd love to see you in this I think you'd look great in this. Yeah. Now if you get pushback from someone if they get resistance if they get confrontational with you Folks, you have to decide, you know, like that's that could be a red flag if someone confronts you For making a simple request that actually could enhance their life Then you really have to evaluate and I know it's only three weeks with this person um You know have a conversation about it. The whole point is look at folks. I wrote a book It's called what the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-open spiritual work By the way, the copy of the books is below Chapter one speak your truth. Just do it in a kind way It's okay to say hey look and I just be candid with you Um, I like a sharp dressed man I think that's an okay thing to say. I like a sharp dressed man. I like men You don't want to make them feel I mean if You're attracted to him. That's why you're dating him You don't want him to feel less than or that you know, I just meant it in the context of okay Yes, you're right. That's does sound like a comparison or whatnot. So that is comparing them to someone else that makes them Potentially feel less than um, so you might start by asking them about their wardrobe I think there's nothing wrong with that No, I don't think Ask him, you know, how do you make the choices of the clothes you wear? Most guys here's the bottom line if he likes you he's gonna want to make you happy You know, you could also be looking at magazines or Going through a website and say oh my gosh. Look at this. I think that would be great for you I'd love to see you in that Okay, well, let's move on. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Let's keep going Let's keep swimming question from sammy Question I friendzoned somebody a couple months ago But we've been in contact the whole time and we're going to see an art exhibit this weekend. I still like them How should I go about it? Well, you're in the friend zone. So you guys are friends, you know Okay, I've observed when men Put women in the friend zone that means I'm just not that into you When a woman puts a man in the friend zone, it means I don't want to have sex with you Could be yet. Okay, or It's I don't want to have sex with you But I want to take advantage of you as much as I can I'm not saying that's that happens every single time But I do believe and I've heard from many men who feel a sense of frustration when they're in the friend zone Men who are in the friend zone are trying to get their way out of the friend zone So what they sometimes do is over give in the relationship and the woman is going I like receiving so that's great Um, I don't think that's a very fair thing to do to someone If someone genuinely likes you and wants to explore a relationship with you and that's not what you want Then I think it's best to disengage or talk about it before you go on to this art gallery Or it's an at least if nothing else split all the cost because that Is what you would do with a friend even if they're insistent. I would insist on splitting all the costs. So All right, thanks so much for that sammy By the way, kim an says marie. You are beautiful unique classy you two are you two are the You two are the first lady and the president how to date. Thanks. I'm all that's sweet of you. Wow. That just made my night Um All right, let's keep going. Okay christine or christian says Hello, I fell in love with my mother's spine surgeon Oh, he's leaving his office may 31st. He doesn't know how I feel. How should I go about this? Wow Okay First off is he married? Okay, you may want to find out is he married, you know, your ex-husband was a doctor So so you fell in love. I you know, does that mean that you've seen him several Oh, that's another he doesn't know. No, he doesn't know how I feel Okay, so she like so first she wants to tell him she first off Folks, I don't believe what you're experiencing is love What I do believe is you might be experiencing lust or limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation So let's not put that in the category of love to me love is not what how you you know How you might fantasize about a person real love is would you wipe the vomit off their face if they're going through chemotherapy? And and keep in mind real love is when two people love each other Not one person is infatuated with someone. So how would you go about telling first? I'd want to find out if he's married Oh, yeah, that would be number one. You were married to a doctor, right? So how would you feel if a and by the way a lot of patients it happens it happens a lot There's a what's known as transference is that authority figure? Um, and you know, certainly there's a status associated with doctors and and certainly you're We just might be dr. Doremi. Okay, dr. Doremi. Okay. So how do you tell him? You know, maybe just saying, you know, I would say would you like to go out for coffee sometime? Or wasn't someone said um that if If you would like to go out For coffee with me, I wouldn't say no Or I would invite me with coffee. I would say yes. I don't like say I wouldn't say no If you invited me for coffee, I'd say yes, you know But then you have to be willing to accept that this might be an incredibly uncomfortable thing for him That might not be appropriate for him. He might have a girlfriend So you have to be willing to accept that What if however you initiate and you might just simply do what Marie just said um, if the answer is no you Here's the thing for your Emotional well-being you have to let go of any attachment to the outcome you know, one of the things, um Buddha talks about is all suffering comes from attachment to an outcome That's just paraphrasing what Buddha says I think one of the things most humans suffer from is Is an attachment to an outcome and then they create unnecessary suffering in their life So my invitation from you is recognize that this isn't most likely real love because real love is when two people Are engaged in the process You're experiencing infatuation and you have to recognize that if he doesn't feel the same way for you It's moving on Yeah, but if you said that he's leaving the practice and oh on the 31st So I think she's afraid that she's going to miss her window of opportunity. Right. So go in ask him and see what happens Yeah Depends on how much you really want to do this you have to Well, I think nothing ventured nothing game. So Okay zen gal says I'm still struggling with my guy being friends with his ex no kids involved But they are share musical song writing together and they phone and text weekly any tips So Do you have a tip? No, I'm just Thinking about that because I I don't have that problem. You don't have that problem We both are friendly With people that are you know with our ex spouses. We're friendly to one another We are friendly with our previous ex relationship Your friendly one of your oldest your friends is your first boyfriend that you ever had We don't have Any issues with it because we trust each other well Yes, that that's correct, but I also think that You have to work on your own insecurities Um, is there something going on that really makes you feel uncomfortable and ask yourself why That's so so they they share something in common that probably she doesn't share in common with him So that can be a little for lack of a better word intimidating, but he's not with her. He's with you you know, I once Okay I once dated a woman This was back in my right after my divorce and she was Dropped at gorgeous made a million dollars a year very successful I mean guys would oodle on her and google google and oodle or whatever that's called I mean they would drool over her. Okay, right and and I would get you know, not boyfriends But just she got a lot of attention And my attitude was i'm the one going home with her at night You know, I could have acted jealous or I could have said I'm the one in relationship with this person if your relationship is built on trust and commitment Let me say those two words again trust is Trust isn't just about fidelity trust is does this person have my best interest at heart? Is this person Conscientious, you know conscientious people in relationship. They actually know how their partner is feeling And commitment is the agreement to be exclusive with one another now Could could something be going on between the two of them? Yeah emotional sex happens You know, but you know, it also depends their business partners is is what it sounds like too. Yeah, they're they're creating something And the relationship portion may not have worked, but it doesn't mean that they don't have all all this stuff that they Like doing together and I know that's a tough one, but you know, I think a role models like Demi Moore and bruce wellish, you know And there's other couples like that too where when they have a conscious uncoupling if they really had a conscious uncoupling You can be friendly to someone who is an ex in your life It doesn't necessarily always mean there's something nefarious going on Now with that said there could be But most likely there's something deficient in your relationship that may cause a person to do that So you have to look at your relationship and say do I have a real strong relationship with this person Something else about that though If you put yourself in the other woman's position and you just think about what it must feel like When you know, you don't have a relationship other than their musical talents, whatever Um It she doesn't like being She's like feeling like she's being attacked You know like because she's not doing anything wrong and they just have more history And you know, that's the reality you just said something else You know the reality is is when you begin to develop like I have a lot of history with sherry, you know She's a dear friend of mine. I mean more like family to me But we have a lot of history and now it's interesting when we first when she first started to date david You know, I had all this history. He had no history now. They've been together for six years You know, he's amassed as much history, you know, but it's but within that's part of the relationship process is developing history with somebody I'm going to go off on a tangent for a second Uh This weekend marina. I were We with the with the with your family we uh, we went to a party But one of the nights we decided to watch a tv show called love prison Oh, yeah, okay Folks this was a show on a and e back in 2014 But why I want to talk about this i'm going on a tangent right now Is because it was about couples who had never met before Who had been communicating any worse from six months to five years I believe who'd never met and the premise of the show is They give you an opportunity to meet and you're stuck on a tiny little island with a house And you have to be in the house for 23 hours and there's cameras everywhere For seven days for seven days seven days These are people that fell madly in love with each other Only to find out that they couldn't stand each other was the the average Couple or at least the few that we watched Why i'm bringing this up is Relationships happen through the building doing up social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends Relationships are built through the integration of each other's lives Today most people Are passively dating without any intentionality. So coming back to our topic how to tell man what you want I think it's critically important to start with your intentions Of why are you approaching the relationship together? What's the intention with this? And if the man doesn't do it, it's incumbent upon you to do it Yep something to say no Well, sometimes I don't know if you're about to say something. That's why everybody thinks I'll give you a tap on the A. Okay. Anyways, I went off on a tangent on the show. Uh, love prison all right, let's keep going here question from Sammy again Oh, she already gave us that question. All right, let's keep going. Oh genie one of the members from our group midlife love mastery There's a link below to join the group question Why do some men On dating sites say how honest How honest and will always be honest then ghost you Like to me when a man wait, that's a man with no testicles not a real man So We've all dealt with that. Yeah, and you know, and I've dealt with women who have flaked on me You know, I've had women that ghosted me, you know, didn't return a phone call, you know in the early stage of dating Remember I talked about a moment ago history When you haven't developed enough history with someone you're oftentimes going to be treated poorly This wasn't an issue of honesty This was because he's you know, he didn't have to he didn't have to tell you what he was thinking If he would if he misrepresented what he was thinking that's being dishonest what he did was ghost Okay, that's not dishonesty. That's just a lack of character But then so, um Maybe he was being honest in that moment by not calling no honest and talking when when they met Well, no, he's they said on the dating app. Oh on the dating episode if you never met in person, no But no, they met in person. All right Oh, it doesn't we don't know You know in that moment he may have thought that and then he met somebody else and that's why he goes to do Now I would have preferred a phone call attack saying, you know, I met someone I want to see where it goes that I would use that I think first and foremost you have to decide how much has been invested between two people If it's a few text message exchange, you don't hear from someone that is just called the dating marketplace. Okay That's very common and I don't believe You're required to tell someone I'm hey, listen, let me just call you to tell you I'm not going to ask you out on a date. I don't think you're required to do that for someone You're just texting let's say you have a first date with someone And after the date they say I'd love to see you again and then they ghost you. Okay, that's bad behavior But that's par for the course too Sometimes men prefer to say I'd love to talk to you again With no intention because it's very uncomfortable to tell someone I really don't want to see you again. Although you are good at doing that Well, because I just don't like letting somebody Think that there's something that's going to happen and it's not going to happen And I'm very clear that you know, they were either friends on them or they were just people I didn't But you were unafraid to say that during the date at the end of the end Yeah at the end of the day, okay, and sometimes look at I am guilty of saying oh, it'd be great to connect again But what I always did was I never ghosted them. I just did my hey, you know I thought about it when I got home and I changed my mind I mean, it wasn't that kind of message But I mean I'm giving you the click note of what the gist of it was I did always in a kind loving What I would always say is, you know Bill I really appreciated meeting you and it's usually a meet and greet. It's not really a date. Anyway. Yeah I just don't think that our lives, you know You know, we're just not a good match and but problem with that though is you they can then they start going why No, you don't know my life yet No, no, I mean I like you as a friend. I mean we can be facebook friends But I'm it's hard to tell I had a woman tell me right on a date. She goes look I don't have chemistry, but I'd like to be friends with you Yeah, and and that hurt You know, because I had to attraction to me too. Have you yeah, yeah So here's the thing my point is genie. This is the this is the This is why it's called dating. It's not courting. It's dating dating is a process of getting to know people And when we're in environments where we have access to so many people now through our devices This is just kind of par for the course. So Um, anyway, thanks so much for that question. By the way, we had a question come in that I copied I want to read this to everyone. Uh, someone wrote into my To my email or to my website Jonathan, I'm enjoying your videos. I'm 53 in a relationship of nearly one and a half years We both have children under 18 years old things are going good and we've been talking about marriage relationship coaches say It's not okay for the man to move into a female's house They say he should have his house his house and if he doesn't it's not okay and a house And and a house he should organize. I don't understand that or sell up or get together It's it seems calm. By the way, the gist is she's asking a question about Should a man move into a woman's house? If she's the one who owns a home And he doesn't every relationship is different. I know I know someone that they kept separate houses for the kids to go home to their house So that's called living together apart When you're raising chill. I'm sorry. I cut you off. Well because when You know when the children were there They just wanted to be with their mom. So she would be at At her house with her children and then when she didn't have the kids she would be at partner's house. I think so Well, okay, I I recognize that I'm a big proponent of people integrating their lives to know if they're a good fit for one another you know I think the the tv show brady bunch ruined it for everybody because they made it seem so easy You could integrate to a lot, you know one family and another family I mean, of course when you have a maid like alice doing all the grunt work carol had it easy. Okay, so I I there are plenty of couples that have separate Residencies while they're raising their children However, if you are talking marriage, then it's time to integrate your children into each other's lives on some level You know benet and stephanie did that, you know early on these are this is a dear friends of ours Who when they met they had their children were just about not quite teenagers yet like nine or ten or eleven And they integrated to in they they they met on the soccer field You know the benet stephanie met on the soccer field where their children played so their children knew each other They were able they were friends with one another so they were able to integrate their lives That's part of the process if you want a significant relationship You have to integrate doesn't mean you have to move in together while the children are young But I certainly I don't think it's an issue for a man to move into a woman's home a woman to move in the hands If that's what you agree Okay, so thanks so much Oh, wow, we got tons of question Question if you meet someone from an online date and they look totally different in person. What do you say to them? That is quite common What do you say sweetheart? I had a hard time saying things Can I jump in at the end of the I I said to myself, okay one cup of coffee or one glass of wine isn't going to kill me so I'm gonna do that And I'm not one to say it. I know men I have some friends that will tell them. Why do you do that? You don't look like your pictures They're all I know females say that to men men say that to women There's a meme out there that says if we meet on if we're if we're meeting and you don't look like your your pictures You have to buy me enough drinks. So you begin to look like your pictures. That's what a meme says Okay, I've been you know catfished if you will they look nothing like their pictures Here's the problem and you and I've talked about this Oftentimes you see their best photograph and you see all these other photographs are lame and you think If they just look like that photograph, you might like them Well, no, you look at all their pictures and I know I did it and I'm like, oh, you know that was Fish fish. No, no fish. Um, and then it's like, oh, this is what he probably looks like which is never turns out Never by the way, you're only as attractive as your worst photograph is what someone once said to me It's not my quote. You're only as attractive as the worst photograph Well, I had a friend that said put bad pictures up then they'll be pleasantly surprised But I I didn't do that. Yeah a lot of guys photoshopped their pictures. Uh, that's a joke. All right Question how long do you give yourself to be physically attracted to a guy? I adore him and love his personality can talk for hours and have common values Valuable lifestyles play flirty So there's a saying men Fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love through their ears What about me? I don't You stump me Well, did you fall in love? Okay. Well you said you You know, I think you feel like I'm attractive enough. You're attracted to me, but it wasn't that it was my heart That made you fall in love with me. So here's the thing I've interviewed thousands of women who are in happy relationships and nearly one third of them have told me and I quote I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first second or third date And yet something changed What I do believe they were experiencing was not physical chemistry But they were feeling emotional chemistry and what it seems like to me sunshine Is that you're experiencing emotional chemistry with them? That's a great place to start because the reality is is we all age we change as we grow older You know, it's not the what matters most is character conscientiousness fun and play kindness intentionality Which it seems like you have I mean so long as he doesn't have Missing teeth and a beer got the size of texas You know and not that there's anything wrong with that You know then, you know as long as you're not grossed out by the idea of kissing him then I would say give it a shot Uh, Wanda writes question To Marie, how will my guy Friends start acting if he wants more than friends and he already calls each day two or three times Um, okay, I think the question is how do you think a man would react? He calls all the time, but she put it wants to put him in the friend zone How do you think guys respond to that? You know, I think some guys end up in the friend zone just because they don't communicate They don't communicate what what it is that no, but that's not the question How do you think a man this is really a question for me? Okay, how do you think a guy would feel? If he's been put in the friend zone Fucking sucks I mean it sucks being put in the friend zone if a man likes you and you put him in the friend zone That sucks. That's how he's gonna feel. So That's my two cents on that one Wanda. All right Let's see what Nadia says nat or whatever miss craft That's someone online and he said he wants to take it slow then two weeks later He wants to be together and shut off dating apps. I took it as some other woman must have said No, am I right? Hey, I think you're just you're just Creating a story in your mind He wants to get off dating apps. How about Getting meeting in person if it's just uh No, they met then two weeks later. No, they met online. He said they oh she met someone on oh, okay Let's first off folks. We have to differentiate. Is this a person that you've been communicating for two weeks or you? Physically known each other two weeks So let me let me respond to this one first off when a man says he wants to take it slow It usually means I don't know if I like you yet. Okay. That's what that means. I don't know if I like you yet I do not like I don't want to make a promise. I can't keep okay However, when a man wants to take you off wants to be exclusive with you That means that can mean most of the time he wants to only invest time in you Now some men are controlling they want to take you off the marketplace and yet they're dating multiple people That could be happening as well The reality is folks Just like this love prison. I talked about a moment ago The best way to get to know someone is through an incubator and what I mean to say is spending a lot of time together In a relatively short period of time. That's how you get to know someone People today have this this casual dating going on for months and months of the time and they barely know the other person How do you get to know another person? Radical honesty laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement and the rules of engagement are your standards What it is you want expressing what you want and see if the other person wants it That was a rant by the way Yeah, okay All right. Thank you for your question Oh going back to genie who said He said he was a good father and no they didn't meet. Okay. So again When when it's someone you haven't met you've only communicated a few times going back to genie's question Let me just say this there's not much of an obligation you have until you actually begin a relationship with someone folks Text cyber relationships do not count Don't fall into the fantasy of that The other thing is if they're they want to take you off the market Is he really going to be off the market? You guys haven't met you don't know I would I would not take my Dating profile down down unless I knew that this was going to be a relationship that I really want to explore I would agree All right, let's keep going jj tran said question Saw a guy three times from now from a dating app He is leaving for work for five months to another country and he wants to start a relationship with me How should I continue with him? oh all right If would you date okay someone you just met you liked him and he goes i'm going to be gone for five months Um, I would not You wouldn't be okay. I would I would I would still stay in communication if he wants to But I would it wouldn't be an exclusive thing. I'm next um my son Okay, my son met this girl right before he went to spend three months Oh, he spent six months total when he came home in between and now they're dating You know the matter before he left You know, he still was going to go ahead with this trip and then but she was okay I think what maria's saying is I you can certainly be in communication I wouldn't be exclusive with this person I would still be actively dating and I also would be careful of incessant communication Yeah, that's a dangerous thing. You don't want to mislead somebody either um Yeah, because you could meet someone while you you know like he's he's off to wherever he is you meet someone I would avoid in excessive communication or incessant communication Which oftentimes happens with people they bond It's kind of like that love island, you know those that couple they had six months They talk to each other ten times a day in six months and then the minute they met She couldn't stand his personality in real life You know, you really don't know someone until you've actually spent a lot of time with them So anyway, that's my two cents on that one Uh genie says true true brady brunt brady bunch set up fantasies exactly All right, let's keep going By the way, folks, you can purchase a super sticker super chat. I'd love to donate some money to that Uh to marcie's cause of columbian kids who have been a band seeds of love seeds of love And it's about children who have been abandoned by their parents who have um Who have terminal illness. So it's a small operation But this woman that runs this orphanage does a great job and she keeps the kids until You know until they mother them until they pass and it's really sad Uh Kathy says I love jonathan's rants are good advice. Thanks so much nancy goes or nanny says I'm widowed 18 months and really craving a companion. How do I approach dating app profile questions? ready for what exactly so You know, it's interesting I know a lot of widowers that um actually spend time with other widowers There are widower organizations. There are widower meetup groups where you can actually connect with other widowers. Okay number one I know a lot of people who live in over 55 communities that are widowed that they connect with people So here's the thing we are living in a strange dilemma because In the next 10 years over 70 percent of relationships will happen through an online connection That's scary. I think we need to be meeting people in real life way more Through especially if you're in your 56 if you're in your mid 50s and older I'm a big proponent of joining organizations or spend time A lot of people go to 55 and over community so they can actually have a circle of friends And guess what there are a lot of men there In over 55 communities. Oh wait, you just lived in an assisted living facility I called it an assisted living me it was for a community for over 55 Actually, not a community. It was it was just an apartment complex But it was the location that I went for and I was only there a few months But we called it the assisted living facility. All right, let's keep going here Uh We read that one we read that one Wow But you know what if we if we don't have any more questions Uh genie says you're so funny jonathan. Thank you so much jj says. Thank you so much jonathan and marie. We really appreciate it um Super sun or sunshine says how I would love to super chat donation, but no clue folks in the chat box There's a little dollar sign click that little dollar sign. You can purchase a super sticker super chat to donate. Okay um Question. Oh wait nana says Oops, let me do this again age 65, but don't really fit and attract but really fit and attractive that is great that you're fit and attractive at age 65 Okay, so coming back to online dating The challenge with online dating it's it is an opportunity to meet people I would certainly join organizations like silver singles or our time which is caters to an older demographic or an over 50 demographic for one the dating apps themselves, I think are There's a danger of what we have is called the paradox of choice and that is the habitual swiping Just creates an addictive nature And what's interesting is women tend to only swipe on five percent of profiles whereas men Swipe on 60 percent of profiles. Why do you think that is? Well, I don't know but I was at the airport one time and there were a couple guys there and I look over and they're both on bumble Yeah, and one of the guys was just doing that You know, he was swiping every well, no, right He was swiping on everyone And then they they laugh at each other, you know, the other guy's like, what the hell are you doing? And he says, you know what it's a lot easier this way Then, you know, if I don't like them when when they write when we match then, you know, I don't have to respond Well, I think women's criteria for who they consider are a lot more stringent than men However, men sadly their criteria is what I have sex with them There's a deeper criteria for men who will have their relationship with them. So there's a misnomer about that By the way, I want to thank Hilda for the dollar nine nine super sticker So when I okay folks just for the record when Marie and I met we we met uh a year ago this friday Our anniversary Okay, now when I flew in it was not a date. We were just meeting each other as two friends When I was on when we were when I landed and I was Taxing in I opened my phone and I had a notification from bumble Now I happen to have within bumble. I had uh people that uh had swiped on me. I paid the extra money So I could knew or I could know I could know who had already swiped on me I hadn't even got off of the plane, but you were fresh meat. I was fresh meat I had like 30 likes And I hadn't even gotten off the plane There were some cute ones Thank god. I met you a few hours later Anyway, um, but that's but it's interesting like I was I literally hadn't been there But 15 minutes Because I was fresh meat like when I came to LA it was the same thing Oh, really? And then then you had like, you know how when you're looking at them You run out of people because you've already looked at them that day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right? So when you come to a new place, it's like you're new to everybody and everybody's new to you All right. Well, anyways, thanks for that question or you didn't have a question. We're just talking Okay, this will be our last one for the evening Uh, really quickly. I want to say hi to wejin. Congratulations. I'm getting married. Okay question from evelyn Had a first date with a guy he texted that he had a great date I echoed that I echoed that and said can't wait to see him again. He said we'll chat soon Hmm. He said I made him feel very comfortable Okay He said we'll chat soon. Oh, oh and he never Well, I'm gonna assume he never responded but when a guy says we'll chat soon I you know that is kind of a passive way well the thing is I've had a lot of great first dates But when I got home, I reflect when I say great first dates. Let me retract that I've had good dates Okay, I had a good time. I enjoyed myself. However, when I got home, I reflected upon it and I'm like It just didn't still feel Like the one, you know, I I think sometimes like with you I folks I want to say something. I know I've dated what feels like thousands of women before I met you And that's not the number. I'm making it up Sometimes when you feel a connection with someone That you really do want to explore with it's an intangible You can't put your finger on it. You know, we both said it was timing that worked for us Yeah, um, but at the end of the day Sometimes it's an intangible so you can have a good date have a good time go home reflect upon it But it's just you didn't feel it. I'm sure you've experienced that Yeah, it was fine. And then you sleep on it and you're like, I don't think I I want to explore anything with this person And sometimes it's not there's nothing wrong with them. It's just that I just didn't think we were a match and and it's not It's it's an intangible you can't put your finger on it when you say we're not a match It's like it's I don't feel enough To want to explore it and again chemistry is a fickle thing sometimes you can have a good date But it still doesn't mean you're with the right per you know, you're with the right person All right, I just want to give props to wejin who says jonathan thanks to your live love education I'm learning how to be a wife It's brand new role to for me to learn and we're still rereading eight dates every sunday sunday sunset walk as our ritual. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. It's awesome all right, folks I thought I hope we Answered your questions on how to tell a man what you want in the early part. Hope you got value from the q&a Um, as I said a moment ago, we're celebrating one year together I can't believe how quickly this year went by It did it went by a really fast and we did a lot of trips together I mean we we traveled at least over seven or eight times together. We obviously moved in together Well, I don't profess that we're the role models. What I can say is this What I most appreciate about our relationship Is coming back to communication is that we make a conscious effort To communicate the good stuff and the not good stuff and we bring it up In the moment or near to the moment so we can unpack it and we do it as grown-ups because we both believe We'd rather be right or we'd rather be happy. Excuse me than right Correct, okay So that's my invitation for everyone and I want to give a big props to sunshine who gave a $10 super sticker Thank you both for all you do. It's helped me so much met a great guy. Thanks to you. I'm so happy to hear that Yay All right. Well folks, um, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today I'm going to wrap up as I always do giving my sweetheart a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug Do I get one back? Love you. All right, everyone have a great evening I want to give thanks to we jin and genie and nanny and mortgage gal and jennifer and leaf and uh, let's see who else alana eval and snowbird lexie uh christian Leaf I already said leaf everyone. Thanks so much. Have a fab evening. Bye. Bye now