 The Jack Benny program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. It's fun to be a traffic cop when you are in the know. You tell all other brands to stop, but Lucky's gets the gold. I sell all brands of cigarettes, I know what people buy. That Lucky Pack's so mild and rich, it's got a red bull's eye. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. Enjoy your cigarette, enjoy truly fine tobacco that combines both perfect mildness and rich taste in one great cigarette, Lucky Strike. For only fine tobacco gives you both perfect mildness and rich taste. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So friends, be happy, go lucky, try a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris Rochester, Dennis Day and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, next Saturday night, Jack Benny does his opening television show from New York City. So let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills where we find him packing for the trip. Mary and Rochester are helping. Now let's see, I'll be gone for 12 days. I'll need two pairs of shorts, two shirts, two pairs of socks, two handkerchiefs and a box of does. Close the bag, Rochester. Yes, sir. Wait a minute, Jack, you're going to be gone 12 days and that's all you're taking? Mary, I'm going by plane. I have to be careful about the weight. You know, they charge you extra if your luggage weighs over 40 pounds. It's 79 cents a pound in New York. Unless you get off of Chicago, then it's 57 cents. Or Kansas City, it's 46 cents. Why don't you go to New York and send your clothes to Albuquerque? Say, maybe. Oh, stop. But Jack, aren't you taking any extra suits? Certainly, I'm taking my blue surge, my tweed, my herringbone, my pinstripe and my gabardine. Well, that's five suits. I don't see any of them in the bag. He's wearing them. They don't weigh the passengers. I know what I'm doing. Hello, Polly. Say, Mary, I've been talking to Polly about my trip. Watch this. Polly, Polly, where's daddy going? East side, west side, all around the town. That's right. That's right, New York. Now, what is daddy going to New York for? Tell her. Tell her. Go on, go on. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her what? Tell her phone. Rochester, take the cracker out of her cave. Television, video, TV. That's better. Oh, boss, I forgot to pack your tuxedo. Here it is. Put it in the fortniter. Jack, you're not taking that old tuxedo to New York, are you? I certainly am. But look at it. The pants are baggy and the coat is so short. It looks like a battle jacket. Well, that's the latest style. I know, but this one looks like it lost the battle. Like it lost the battle. I know. I knew you were going to say that. Anyway, I'm taking that tuxedo to New York, and I'm going to wear it on my first television show. Well, Jack, if you do it, it'll be awfully confusing. Why? You'll be on live, and that tuxedo looks like kinescope. Kinescope, kinescope. You think you're smart because I haven't got an answer written here. Mary. Mary, listen. I have a sentimental feeling about this tuxedo. It's been with me since my start and show business. Well, why is the right pocket so much bigger than the left? That's where I kept the fish to feed my seal. Any more questions? Now, come on. Help me with these. Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. How do you feel? Boy, am I tired. I pushed my car all the way over here from Hollywood. Pushed your car? Why? The motor was broken, and it wouldn't run. Well, if your car isn't running, why didn't you leave it in Hollywood? I wouldn't have any way to get home. Look, kid, I'm leaving for New York, and I haven't time for a visit. Now, why'd you come over here? Well, there's something very important I have to see about. It's been on my mind all day. What is it? Well... Well, what? Gee, I forgot. Well, maybe you'll think of it later. Now, let's see my shirts, my stuff. Dennis, did you want to ask Jack something about next week's show? No. Oh, was it something about a song that you're going to sing? No. Mary, let's get on with the packing. Oh, I know what I was going to ask you. What? Can you lend me $50,000? Now, let's see. I've got my socks, my handkerchiefs, and... I'm in a hurry, kid. How about it? Dennis, leave me alone. Dennis, what in the world do you want with $50,000? I'm going into business. Business? What kind of business? Well, I'm going to manufacture little round candy mints and call them lifesavers. Now, let's see. I have my shirts, shoes, socks, underwear. I'm going to sell them for a nickel package. Dennis, Dennis, this might be news to you. A little round candy mint called Lifesavers has been on the market for years. I know. Look at all the free advertising I'll get. Shoes, socks, underwear. Dennis, it's all right to manufacture candy, but what made you think of calling it lifesavers? Mary, with his head, it's only natural you think of something with a hole in it. Now, look, Dennis, you came over here. Let me hear the song you're going to do on the show. So forget about lifesavers and sing it. Yes, sir. Now, what are you going to sing? You were meant for me. Now, cut that out! Sing the one you're supposed to. Let's see. Have I got everything? I'll be going out nights in New York, maybe rainy and chilly, so maybe I better not take any chances. Rochester, how much does my raincoat weigh? It weighs about a pound. A pound extra costs 79 cents. Shall I put in the raincoat? No, just throw in a four-way cold tablet. I think that'll do it. Come in. How are you, Jackson? How are you? Hello, Phil. Hello, Phil. You shut a little before the door opened, but it was all right. It doesn't make any difference. I heard you. What is it, Phil? Your answer ain't getting paid anywhere. Hey, Jackson, there's that soup kit you wanted. Oh, thanks, Phil. Mine is so shabby. I'm glad you brought your bag over. Jack, get a little of those labels on it. Yeah, I used to take it with me when I was on the road playing on one night's stand. Oh. Hey, Jack, look at this label here. Ritz-Carton Hotel, empty jug, Texas. Empty jug, Texas? I killed him in that town. I never heard of the place. Where is empty jug, Phil? It's about 50 miles this side of Rackamuff, Arkansas. Oh, fine. Empty jug, Rackamuff. Well, I better run along, Jackson. I gotta go to the doctor. Why? What's wrong, Phil? Well, ever since yesterday, I've had an upset stomach. Well, maybe it's something you ate. Oh, boss, come now! Yes, I guess you're right, Rochester. Go along, Jackson. Have a good time. Goodbye, Phil. What a character. He always makes up those silly names of towns like empty jug. Hey, Jackson, your taxi's outside. Good, good. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time my band played Mish Mosh, Arizona? Oh, and I haven't got time now. Goodbye. Come on, Rochester. Get the luggage. We have to hurry to the airport. Say, Miss, shall I go by the way of Sepulveda? Yes, driver. You comfortable, Mary? Yes, thanks. Good. It's a pretty long ride. How far is it from your house to the airport? $2.40. That's if you stop at the first entrance, you see. Otherwise, it's... By the way, Jack, you haven't told me where you'll be staying while you're in New York. The same place, Mary, the Acme Plaza Hotel. I always stay there. Oh, my goodness, Jack. After the long lecture I gave you last week about being cheap, why must you always stay at an awful joint like the Acme Plaza? I'll tell you why, Mary, for sentimental reasons. Many years ago, when I was trying to get a start in Vortigo, and I had no place to stay and nothing to eat, and I couldn't find a job, the Acme Plaza let me stay there and fed me for nothing. They did that because they knew I was unemployed. Oh, gee, Jack, I didn't know that. If they're that nice, next time I go to New York, I'm going to stay there, too. Okay, but don't tell them I'm working now. You know, they don't know. You know, they feel disappointed. Rochester, have you got all the bags? Yes, boss. Jack, you better go and have your ticket validated. You have much time. That's right. Flight number 76 for Phoenix, Memphis, and Washington, D.C. now loading at gate two. Now, let's see. Where do I go here? Attention, flight number 83 now arriving from Fort Worth, Galveston, San Antonio, and empty jug. See, there is such a place. See, Mary, before I get my ticket validated, I want to go over to the fruit stand and buy some fruit. Watch my luggage, will ya? Okay. How ya bug? Long time, no see. Huh? Oh, hello. Uh, Jack, who was that? You remembers that racetrack towel. It always drives me nuts. I won't be long, Mary. Okay. Flight number 19 now loading at gate five for Anaheim, Azusa, and Cucamunga. Attention, passengers getting off at Cucamunga. Watch your step. We do not stop there. Now, let's see. Now, let's see. Where's the fruit stand? Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, hello. Are you leaving town, Mr. Kitzel? No, I'm waiting for my wife to arrive. She's coming in by plane from Dallas, Texas. Oh, oh, what time is she due? In ten minutes. But I don't know whether her plane is going to land here, or at Lockheedt, or in Pomona, or in Pasadena. Well, isn't the plane scheduled to land here? Yes, but my wife is such a back-seat driver. Oh, you're kidding. Kidding, he said. Believe me, Mr. Benny, when that sweet chariot swings low, she'll point the direction. Well, you ought to know, what was your wife doing in Dallas? She was visiting our son in college. Why, Mr. Kitzel, I never knew you had a grown boy. He's my wife's son by a former marriage. Oh, oh, you're your wife's second husband? Her third. You mean your wife's been married twice before? This much, she tells me. Oh, well, what college does your boy go to? The same one I attended. Southern Methodist. Well, look, look, Mr. Kitzel. Attention, please. Flight 14 scheduled to arrive here from Dallas will land at San Francisco instead. Yes, that's my wife. She done it again. Now, let's see, what did I want to get? Oh, yes, the fruit stand. Attention, please. Attention. The Santa Fe Super Chief now landing on runway 7. Super Chief? How can that be? It was awfully windy in Barstow. Well, I think I'll get a magazine, too. I don't want to sleep, anyway. So I might just... Oh, Jack! Jack! Oh, hello, Don. Are you all set to go? Yes, sir. We ought to have a lot of fun in New York this time. Jack? I think so, Don. We always do. You think you'll run into Fred Allen? Could be. We'll be in New York on Halloween, and that's the night he rides. I nearly killed that one, but I didn't. Yes, caught it. By the way, Don. Oh, Don. Where's the sportsman quartet? Oh, they're on a different flight than we are, Jack, and they're on the plane already. The sportsmen are on the plane? Yeah. They're on that one over there. Those four girls are their wives saying goodbye to them. Oh, yeah. The sportsman. By the way, Don. Don, where are you going to live in New York? At the Sherry Netherlands. The Sherry Netherlands? Isn't that expensive? No, I wouldn't say so. You can get a nice suite there for $18 or $20 a day. Oh, oh, oh. Well, that isn't bad. Oh, I'll see you on the plane, Jack. Yes, yes. $18 or $20 a day. Big fat show-off. Let's see. I wanted to guess some... Oh, here. Here's the fruit stand. Now, let's see. I think I'll take some of these apples. They look good. Next week is National Apple Week, too. Oh, Miss. Miss. Oh, darn it. She's busy. Well, I just have to wait. Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Bud. Huh? Come here a minute. Look, fella, I... What are you doing? I'm buying some fruit. What kind? Apple. Uh-uh. Take oranges. Well, I don't want oranges. How about grapes? Haven't got a chance. They're carrying too many seeds. Well, what about bananas? Lay off the bananas. Why? I've been watching them for three days. I have yet to see one of them get out of the bunch. I don't know. I wanted apples when I came in here. That's all I wanted was apples. Listen to me, bud. Take the oranges. The oranges? Well, just look at the breeding. Out of Pomona by Smudgepot. Well, I wanted apples, but maybe you're right. I'll take the oranges. Okay. And peel them. Don't be a sucker. Why does that guy always pick on me? What apple? Attention, flight 21, scheduled to arrive from Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, and Palm Springs has been canceled. The pilot lost the plane in Las Vegas. See, I have much time. I better get my ticket validated. Now, let's see. Where's the window? Oh, there it is. Pardon me, Mr. I'm Jack Benny. Well, who do you think I am behind these bars? Your agent? Never mind. Just validate my ticket. Thanks. Now, how long will it take Flight 12 to get to New York? It's three days. Three days? Why so long? Gary Cooper will be aboard and he drags his feet. Oh, don't be so smart. Now, look, isn't there a faster plane than mine to New York? Well, we have two flights leaving for New York at midnight, Flight 11 and 12. On Flight 12, the tickets cost $180. And on Flight 11, the tickets cost $19. Gee, why the big difference? Flight 11 is the U-drive. Oh, well, I wouldn't want that one. Anyway, I'm on Flight 12. Is that usually a smooth trip? They're all very smooth. Oh, then I won't get sick. No, but whoever sits next to you will. Now, just a minute. I've taken about all I'm going to take from you. Now, give me your number. I'm going to have you fired. Oh, please. Please don't. I'm sorry I offended you. Don't get me fired. I have a big family to support. If I'm out of work, my wife... Well, all right, then. I won't report you. But I'll bet you're just making the whole thing up. Well, that doesn't. I'd punch you right in the nose if I didn't have to take all five coats. Now, I'm going to see... Attention. Passengers for Flight 12 to New York may now board the plane. Oh, you better hurry. Coming, Mary. Coming. Attention. Attention, please. Flight 21 from Las Vegas, which was canceled, is coming in on schedule. The pilot finally made a DC-6 the hard way. Is everything all set, Rochester? The man is weighing your bags now. Oh, good. Attention, please. Flight 22 now leading for San Joaquin Valley, Sun Valley, Imperial Valley, and Apple Valley. Hey, bud. Huh? Come here a minute. Oh, attention, please. Flight 22 now leaving for San Joaquin Valley, Sun Valley, Imperial Valley, and Orange, New Jersey. What? Well, I gotta go. Come on, sweetie, give me a kiss. Look, mister, don't get fresh with me. Mary, it's me. The propeller blew it off. Come on, give me a kiss. Goodbye, Mary. Goodbye. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky, strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky, strike today. I keep a lighthouse by the sea to guide all those astray. It tells them to get lucky, strike, and light up one today. A secretary has to know where everything is filed, and lucky strike goes under him because it's really mild. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky, strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky, strike today. Yes, friends, be happy. Go lucky. Enjoy your cigarette. Puff by puff. You'll find luckies always give you perfect mildness. In fact, scientific tests confirmed by three independent consulting laboratories prove lucky strike is milder than any other principal brand. And puff by puff, you always get rich taste, too. All the deep down smoking enjoyment that comes from truly fine tobacco. Because L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. So friends, be happy. Go lucky. Try a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Be happy. Go lucky, strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky, strike today. Say, Don, this is a nice, smooth trip, isn't it? That certainly is, Jack. By the way, who's going to be on our television show? Well, besides you and me, it's going to be Rochester, Mr. Kitzel, Mel Blank, the sportsman quartet, and our guest star, Dinah Shore. Dinah Shore? Well, isn't she expensive? No, Don. She's nuts about me. And by the way, do you know who's going to be our guest on next Sunday's radio show? Who? My next door neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Well, aren't they kind of expensive, too? Just this time, I promised them I'd move. Good night, Don. I'm going to sleep. Ladies and gentlemen, figures show that each day last year, 1,100 American homes had a fire. You can stop fire in your own home by using just a little care. Don't smoke in bed. Have heating and electrical equipment repaired promptly. Fire prevention is your job. Thank you.