 Good evening. This is Ronald Coleman and Vanita Coleman inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College as The guests of our sponsors the brewers of Schlitz beer The taste of Schlitz The taste so many people prefer Has made Schlitz beer first in sales in the USA Like good beer do as millions of people are doing all over the nation as far as Schlitz the most popular beer in history Come again to Ivy Ivy College. That is in the town of Ivy USA On Halloween by old tradition Evil spirits are allowed to roam the earth after dark and hold high revels until a stroke of midnight when the chimes I share in the Christian festival of all Saints as In most places the inhabitants of Ivy are not all Saints or very evil But a varying blend of the two on this fine November morning There's little evidence around the campus of Halloween Jinx high or low As Victoria Hall returns from her marketing to join her husband William Todd under Hall president of Ivy College Here vicki, I'm sorry. I'm late, but the shops are crowded. The traffic is dreadful. Are you starved? Well, I wouldn't say starved exactly this sensation I feel in the pit of the stomach I put down to relief at having passed through another Halloween with no blood jet No major damage and no morning after repercussions as yet Well, send a message to your tissues. Help is on the way lunch in a few minutes. Um Toddy, yes Did you ever know mr. Wellman's grandfather? No, dear and I didn't know abraham Lincoln either No, he looked like Only from contemporary portraits tall lean sorrowful. I didn't mean Lincoln. I meant grandfather Wellman. Oh You know what he looked like Only from the bust of him which stand If a bust can stand Which reposes Which sits on the back of its neck while there is a bit In the foyer of clarence wellman hall Is red sandstone which gives him an appearance of blushing deeply Whether of pride in this college or modification over clarence. I have never decided Did he have a moustache? Let me think. Yes. Yes. I believe three generations of wellmans have had a labial adornment In grandfather wellman's day when the straight razor made shaving a matter of steel nerves and considerable fortitude Many a loving wife never had the privilege or the shark as the case may have been of seeing her husband's complete face Immunity of the chin what I have tried to get at darling with almost no success Is this now did he or did he not have a handlebar moustache? Like you always see in pictures of beauty shop quartets singing sweet iodine Not no not sweet iodine my love it's Adelaide Although equally poisonous when rendered by the wrong voices And it's a barbershop quartet not beauty shop. Oh, well Female singing groups seem to favor the trio over the quartet Or probably because being women with an instinct for security it gives them a 25 percent smaller risk for discord Let's start over Suddenly what was the question? Yeah Did mr. Wellman's grandfather have a big soup strainer kind of moustache as worn by the tenor in gay 90s quartets Oh, no, not the tenor darling. That was that was the trademark of the baritone The tenor invariably has his eyes closed Seeking divine help in remembering the lyrics I think In my young days, I I was always the base of course. Yeah, I know but did mr. Wellman's very good one too if I may say so Or I should say we were quite good Our rendition of sweet adelaide harvest moon and old heidelberg is remembered to this day death day What memory yes, but did mr. Wellman's grandfather. Yes, indeed Georgie Barnes The baritone super Will he pull the tenor? Always wanting it a tone lower, of course Young bartholomew carrying the air Of key only in moments of exaltation Of what memories Old heidel Oh Mr. Wellman avoided him like the plague darling couldn't carry a tune and a hamper no sex appeal no quality Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I die yet. Yeah wellman, of course. Now. What were we now? I try once more see now Did mr. Wellman's grandfather have a handlebar moustache? No, he did not He has now Well, it's possible I suppose but in as much as he died years ago And he has a blue nose. What's the nice character touch? I thought if he's anything like clarence Vicky what are you talking about? That's what I've been trying to tell you I was passing by wellman whore when a crowd of youngsters came boiling out and I bumped into eddie gray And he told me of the sabotage the blasphemy the sacrilege. So I went in and there it was Mr. Wellman's grandfather's bust moustache anore Was it bad It was awful Well, do you think it will wash off? Well, I gave it a little dab with a damp handkerchief, but Take a lot of scrubbing. Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you on the base of the bust in black paint. Yes, there was written Prexy loves wellman Oh Vicky a few minutes ago My heart was singing and the sun was shining and now my left ear has cupped itself around to the telephone over there Yeah, well, it's all right, darling wellman's in philadelphia visiting his sister for girl Once more my heart is singing and my ear has plucked back Not that I'm against the fine arts, of course, but who could have done it to poor old grandpa wellman Any one of the few hundred students I should say after all last night was halloween and you will often find Oh, darling, darling, will you answer that? I must go and fix my hair. All right, darling Remarkable woman Vicky Finds out everything Paintings of wellman bust a ha ha amusing Prexy loves wellman Handlebar moustache Oh Mr. Merriweather come in And how is the more rational element of the board of governance today in the absence of our chairman doctor I'm convalescing and all is quiet the other knights of the round table have doffed their armor and are resting on their swords So I took my shield and got the helmet out of there To pursue your analogy mr. Merriweather am I to understand you visualize mr. Wellman As king Arthur heaven for pen sir Lancelot My knowledge of the Arthurian legends is somewhat sketchy But I'd be inclined to place dear Clarence somewhere between the jealous king mark and sir mortrid of melancholy memory It's a good thing you don't have the responsibility of casting Tristan and e-solder for the Wagner festival I would be more tempted to see wellman in the part of the sword x caliber for the pleasure of seeing him thrown into the lake Hey, I'm not so bad for a boy. You've got straight D's in medieval history Where's the lady Guinevere up in the north tower combing her tresses by her casement window Scanning the horizon to see which sail comes from france black or white white if it's me black if it's well Why did he is welcome mr. Merriweather What on earth are you two talking about about the days of old when knights were bold and ships had wooden decks And warriors bold fell down the whole and broke their care for man Sturdy necks You know I was exposed to quite a bit of education in my day But the only times I ever feel that it took us when I'm over here I'll come over here more often. You can be a visitor come lordy Thank you. Thank you Doctor I am the bearer of glad tidings. Oh, did you know that they are at last improving faculty role? At the street, I mean the gorge was about time it's bad enough for a college to get into a rot But for all those rots to get into a college Well, perhaps I should say they started excavating yesterday today all is quiet as the grave In fact, one long grave has been dug And there she lies good heaven so Oh, no, no, I'm not there. I mean one deep trench was scooped out and then abandoned But why today is not a holiday did anyone call all the necessary departments and authorities have been called and all Professor ignorance of any order for street improvements along faculty road Rogan of our campus police reports that the road gang was equipped with all of the usual paraphernalia Including a truck bearing the sign of john smith contractor Rogan further reports that the supervising grave digger or I should say excavator Submitted a permit which purported to be an authorization from the ivy board of government Signed by whom by none other than our respected chairman clarence wellman. Well, and what's wrong? Why don't they get on with the job? A there is no such firm in these parts as the j smith contracting company B the board never authorized the work such improvement having been constantly opposed by mr. Wellman himself See but the signature was it a forgery doesn't grogan recognize the signature Grogan tells me that he writes twice a year to his half sister in north plate nebraska period Thus he would not know mr. Wellman's signature if it bit him which is unlikely in the leg It's very interesting and an anonymous excavation. Well, if this is another halloween prank Well, exactly where did all this happen at which end of faculty road if they start digging up? I didn't see it near here this I hate to tell you neither end right in the middle Oh, no, oh, you don't mean oh, no, yes, ma'am plumb smack dab in front of the house of wellman Ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, daddy, what's new on the halloween front all is reasonably quiet Two red lights are marking the spot where the body should be buried meaning wellman yet. No, no Let us not daydream so late in the evening No so that nobody should fall into the hole in the dark And we've discovered the name of the culprit the same one seems to have committed both crimes And in each case he is or calls himself John smith An obvious studio thing is a non-devas The thousands of john smiths. Yes Yes, as a matter of fact a young cousin of mine married one As mr. And mrs. John smith the honeymoon tour through the motels and resorts of the great northwest was a series of acute embarrassments What they do by 10 After 10 days, they registered everywhere under the name of finkelhoff But it seems to be Right at my elbow for one Hello, dr. Hall speaking I thought this might interest you doctor. Oh, yes, mr. Maryweather. I got a telegram here from wellman in philadelphia It says and I quote have made arrangements through personal connections here for road improvements faculty row Desperately needed as I have always claimed Feel sure entire board will approve returning tomorrow. Well, unquote. Well, that explains everything Oh now doctor your college training is sufficiently adequate for you to do your own simple addition I'm not telling you what to and to add up to Pardon me if I appear to end on a preposition and a sour note Hmm What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? He thinks I should be able to add two and two in this case vicki. It's not that simple It gets into valga fractions. Oh, darling. If it's anything valga, you know, you can always tell me Well, he says like this Clarence wellman has made arrangements for the repaving of faculty row After someone had already begun work on it Now I must find someone who owns a scalpel and a microscope A scalpel and a microscope? Yes, someone has been reading Clarence's mind Walking past the board room at ivy the other day just as the board of governors was breaking up after an important session Suddenly my ears were assaulted by a very familiar voice a boy a carpenter. I say that carp, uh, uh, mr Carpenter. Oh, oh, yeah, mr. Wellman. Well, you look happy. What's wrong Wrong nothing wrong business is good The board just slashed a departmental appropriation and you must realize I mean being in business yourself commerce That is that well now that you mentioned mr. Wellman. We might as well say world commerce I represent schlitz beer, you know the beer that's made milwaukie famous the beer. I know all that carpenter I must say that it's common knowledge. Why do you buttonhole me and give me a saleshawker and well, I didn't Schlitz beer Very familiar name No, no, no S c h l i t z you let out the seat. I said s c h l i t z All right, I thought I did now. Well, what's just one letter in this particular case? It's very important But ordinarily I'd say schlitz beer is the one beer I've given mrs. Wellman proof. I need to store in our refrigerator What has storing schlitz in your refrigerator got to do with being chairman of the board of governors, mr Wellman silly question copy obvious as chairman of the board watch dog of the treasury always buy quality No appropriations unless well good heavens carbon as a business. Mr. Wellman. What is it? I just want to say that our quality product cotton that justifies the property and schlitz beer is I mean the The best is not too good for someone who Am I making myself clear? Yes, yes perfectly clear mr. Wellman not only to me but to millions of americans We're enjoying schlitz the most popular beer in history. Glad to hear it glad to hear it couldn't happen to a fine beer Thank you Uh, uh, uh, mr. Carpenter. I must be off now got to check up on the surprise now refrigerate Well a pleasant good afternoon to you mr. Wellman not just from me but from schlitz too As we return to the hall survival dr. Hall arrives home a little late from a Busy afternoon to find his wife victoria curious to hear the latest bulletins Darling come in and shut the door and sit here by the far and now Tell me about the ditch and the bath the ditch and the oh, yeah, yes You mean the um the the halloween business. Well, I mean almost too busy to consider it really Well, I can't feel too responsible for it. Anyway, unless there's a student back of it On the other hand, I don't think you're quite in tune I don't see how we can sit here inert and inept. Uh, oh am I being inane? On the contrary darling, you are being extremely in I flatter myself that I am both earth and It's not wholly immune An instantially defending the neglected positive. I am not only pertinent but sipid However, there there does seem to be a student involved. What a john smith strangely enough We have to what ivy it seems it rather points to a third-year student to john smith jr He is asked to see me and is coming over Toddy, what about wellman's message? Surely he couldn't make use of his position as chairman of the board of governors to give out contracts Oh, I prefer not to think so. I think Maryweather jumped to some sinister conclusion, but we'll know all about it tomorrow when It'll be young smiths. No doubt. Thank you vicki if you'll show him in yeah, I will and if he says his name spinkle hop I'll scream How do you do mrs. Hall? I'm john smith. Well john smith come in dr. Hall is waiting for you. Thank you Smith glad to see you take a seat Forgive me dr. Hall if I am pinching a viable time No impingement. I assure you I think dr. Hall likes all his students to pin occasionally I hope I'm being pudent I thank your pardon mrs. Hall. It's all right smith mrs. Hall is brushing up on her and elected positives and is inclined to get a little of the wet wet well and you wanted to see me Yes, I did Dr. Hall it has been well said that an idle tongue is the offspring of an empty mind Uh, yes And that the throttle of fools is at the sound of an ill-tuned symbol Well, I don't for the moment recognize it is a lamentable although no doubt natural corollary of the world situation today dr. Hall That your valuable time and mine should have to be wasted by the foolish pranks of adolescence It has been brought to my attention that certain members of the student body Are laboring under the delusion that I am guilty of decorating works of art With facial adornment and in indulging in sabotage along faculty role But your assurance mr. Smith that you had nothing to do with such foolishness is good enough and I appreciate your coming to see me Uh, how long have you been as I did? I am commencing my third year dr. Hall and may I say that in spite of certain elements here that are to be deplored I regard ivy college not only as my alma mater But as nay plus ultra nay plus Meaning of course nothing finer And what are you uh, what are you majoring in smith latin naturally? And I am applying myself to courses in political economy and in public speaking Well, you should study some of my husband's speeches. I do mrs. Hall all of them May I say that I patterned my phraseology and diction along the lines of dr. Hall? I would like to add mrs. Hall that I regard him as my Uh, my Precisely, yes, sir. Thank you, but uh, but to return to this subject under first discussion smith And now have you any light to throw on this halloween matter? Um Do you know who did it? How did your name become mixed up in it? Are you or have you ever been a member of the sixth amendment? Oh, yes As I was saying excuse me, sir My father has been visiting me here and I know he wants to meet you I believe he might throw more light on this mystery than anyone I think it would be well if you talked with him by all means I shall be happy to meet him. Then I will take my leave. Mrs. Hall. Good day. Good day Yeah, and thank you for coming. Oh, uh before you go That that quotation The prattle of fools is as as as an ill-tuned symbol. Ah, yes. Yes. Very good. Very good I can't quite place the authorship my own dr. Hall Very good very good indeed except for the ill-tuned symbol I borrowed that from sir Francis Bacon. Good night. Good night My husband will be down in a minute mr. Smith. Please sit down. Your son just left here half an hour ago What did you think of him? Well, maybe it's a bit of a punk, eh? He's young of course he's clever young clever. Yes, but what are we going to do with him? He's got blinkers on Can't see right or left. How can you judge you if you only see straight ahead might as well be a horse God up to hall I believe Smith. I'm glad to see you. I heard your last remark and I agree It's only by seeing on all sides that one is unable to evaluate what's ahead. That's right That's why junior doesn't laugh. No sense of fun Took him on a roller coaster when he was a kid and he kept asking questions about centrifugal force Well, I I think with a little help and guidance I think and broaden his view That's why I sent him here. Ah, but we don't claim to work miracles Sciences yet to succeed in isolating the germ of humor I personally believe that lacking the ability to create humor The next best thing is to cultivate an appreciation of it Which I think is largely a matter of acquiring a sense of proportion I've no doubt that when and if your son learns that dignity without humor is pomposity He might relax a bit. We don't train students to be circus clowns, mr. Smith But but we do believe that a man who cannot smile is not fully educated. Well, that sounds like good sense I don't expect you to teach him to go around with loaded cigars Cackling like a maniac, but he's pretty stealthy He's a good boy honest loyal. Oh, yes. Yes, his loyalty to ivy is unquestioned And he refused to give away the practical joker of last night's escapade Although I felt sure he knew who it was That's right, dr. He did. Well, do you know who caused all the trouble? I do ma'am Well, can you tell us who did it? I did You did you did mrs. All last night was halloween Years ago when other kids were going around tearing up the town Junior was up in his room reading Well, I arrived here yesterday to see the boy of course, but I looked up my old friend wellman Out of town Then jackson in biology Down with the flu So I went around town with junior Saw a couple of youngsters hanging a cap and gown on old bradford's tv antenna Junior disapproved Another bunch of kids were well, I won't give them away in front of the doctor here But junior disapproved Just then we were passing wellman hall And there was the bust of old grandpa looking as smug as ever and Well I couldn't resist it You know the rest Yes, but uh, but carving up faculty road. Did you I'm the john smith contracting company of philadelphia dr. Hall I can't afford to give a million dollars to ivy, but ivy's where I place my hopes for junior And a year ago I ruined the springs of my car and wrenched my sacroiliac bumping along that gildant death trap. I call casualty row So I told wellman I'd fix it for him for nothing That was very generous of you mr. Smith yesterday seeing he take no action in the matter I dug a hole outside his door Just to give him a laugh Don't forget a chance to mix business with pleasure Now I'll finish the road for you and give you the finest surface this side of the big city I think that's wonderful surface with a smile. I always say There's a happy and profitable ending. Thank you, mr. Smith. So goodbye, dr. Mrs. Hall. No, must you go? Yes, I must be on my way and over Look after the boy Won't you? We will. Goodbye. Goodbye Well, vicky, we're going to have a new faculty role now We'll have to find a way to repay mr. Smith by doing something for junior Who doesn't seem to concur with the old verse which I have just revised for halloween What verse wake me early mother dear for I'm to the queen of the mayhem And the vicky uh vicky hand me the telephone will you I think I'll call up the school of horticulture What this time of the evening? What do you want some night shade? Oh, no, I I was just thinking If an onion can make one weep What a fortune awaits the man who can grow a vegetable to make one laugh By the starring mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman has been presented by schlitz the beer that made milwaukie famous The taste of schlitz The taste so many people prefer Has made schlitz beer first in sales in the usa Don't you to enjoy the most popular beer in history next time every time ask for schlitz beer Now here again our mr. Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night everybody. Good night from all of us and from our sponsor the joseph schlitz brewing company of milwaukie wisconsin And it's thousands of friendly dealers throughout the nation. Good night. Good night Next week at this same time at the halls of ivy starring mr. And mrs. Ronald colman Mr. Meriwether was played by gale gordon John smith senior was handley stafford and john smith jr. Was child smith Tonight's script was written by ronald colman and don quinn music was composed and conducted by henry rustle The halls of ivy was created by don quinn directed by matt wolf and presented for the joseph schlitz brewing company of milwaukie wisconsin We invite you to enjoy on television The schlitz playhouse of stars with helen haze Margaret sullivan waterhampton and more of the brightest names of hollywood and broadway See your newspaper for time and channel Ken carpenter speaking