 Alright you guys. What is going on? Welcome back to another video. This is the first time I've brought the camera out in over a month. I've been in a complete state of paralysis by analysis. Even today. This is the fourth time I've made this video guys. That's not normal for me. Okay it's certainly not. So my mind, my headspace as far as creating content at the moment is a bit out of whack. But I want to, first and foremost I want to thank all of you guys for still being here. I want to thank you guys for sticking with me and also really want to thank the ones of you who have expressed concern about how I am, you know how I'm doing. Yeah I just want to say I appreciate it man. And it's a hard one because whenever I receive a comment like that I want to thank them. I want to come and create content. I want to tell everyone what's going on. But when you're in this funny sort of headspace of a minute at the moment it's hard. So today I've gone and bit the bullet. I've got the camera out. I've charged the battery. I've come down to my happy place which is the rugby field. Because I'm hoping that that will you know get me talking and get this video out there for you guys. Because I've like I said even just this morning I've shot it four times. Last few days I've tried to make this video but it just doesn't come out right. So what I decided to do guys because yeah I haven't seen it mate. Fuck I don't even know what's going on. These messages aren't coming through. This is the reason man. The pressure I'm under. I don't want to do this anymore. That phone calls just put me in a bad mood. I really want to pack the camera up and go home and not make this video but I'm gonna finish it all right. Okay so I haven't made a video in over a month and the reason is because I've been going through a lot of anxiety in my head about multiple things. About my job. I want to change my situation. It's mostly it's about my daughter okay. My daughter moved away two months ago on the 17th of November. Today's day is the 16th of January that means that tomorrow it's been two months. I thought that I'll be able to handle it. I thought that you know because she's so young she won't remember it you know in later years and so I'll get away with it but the reality is is that you know I see photos I see her taking her first steps things like that you know she's 11 months old she's nearly one and I crumble. I absolutely I've cried you know countless amounts of times guys not in front of anyone but by myself at home when I look through these pictures and I think I should be there you know and then on top of that I get the pressure put onto me by the mum because she doesn't believe that I feel like that. She feels like I'm still the selfish cunt that basically threw her out of the house when I didn't want a relationship with her you know she still feels like that I know deep down I'm not that guy I just want to get there. I just want to get there as fast as I can to just step up and be this dad that I know I can be and I want to be. This is my daughter. This is my fucking daughter and I've sacrificed too much time with her already okay so that is the fundamental reason behind this this you know mental head fuck that I've been in recently so how am I gonna fix it well I'm gonna go and see my daughter right that's the only way so some of you guys who've been here for a while you know that I've had a 10 week annual leave the holiday booked for about the last six months that was meant to start on the 20th of January sorry 20th of February which was my daughter's first birthday so I'd always thought that she'd be here with me still and I'd you know I'd start this holiday on her first birthday and I'd have two and a half months of great times you know no work no stress and that's just not the case so what has happened is I have I've actually brought the start date from the 20th of February to the 20th of January and I will be heading over to cans which is where my daughter is very soon within a week actually so yeah the hard thing is guys is that I've gone and booked this trip to the US starting on the 30th of January and with all this shit that's going on you know for me to arrive in cans on like the 23rd spend a week there after having told you guys all this told her all this that I'm missing my daughter it's ruining my head I'm depressed anxious for me to go there for a week and then fuck off for two weeks to America it doesn't really make sense does it but I feel like the opportunities and the content that I'm gonna create from the trip to the US is important enough but is it important enough is it it's fun for me it's fun for you guys it's going to grow the channel but it's doing nothing for my personal life so I don't know I don't know but basically go out like I'm happy that I continue talking I want this video to get out there I want it the reason I haven't wanted to make it is because I like my channels about being fun guys it's about having fun it's about being positive and there's no way in hell I can make this video feeling positive I just can't I really love my daughter she is the cutest thing on planet earth she's a princess she's my princess and I just want her to come running to me smiling and come and give me a big hug man that's what I want so at this point the US trip is still on I'm still coming I have organized a couple of really cool things over there so I want you know I I yeah it's I don't know I think it's about 99% sure 99% I'm coming if I get to cans and I see my daughter and I just cannot leave then I cannot leave no probably put it back a little bit because it's got to happen you know I love football and I designed this trip so I could be there for the Super Bowl so let's just hope it still happens anyways guys I'm actually getting burnt it's about 40 degrees today I'm I'm just going to go home and decompress and I've worked a lot that's the other thing you know because I brought this leave forward a month I've had to basically work a lot of overtime to sort of you know buffer my bank balance a little bit and that's been hard so I've just finished five 12-hour shifts in a row and today's my first day off and in five days which is six days which is it's tough man it's any you guys want to know I any of you guys have have wondered I'm a disability support worker I care for the intellectually disabled that's my full-time job it's a 12-hour shift it's either 7 in the morning till 7 at night or 7 at night till 7 in the morning and it's been my job for the last five and a half years so basically ever since I started this YouTube channel I've been doing that is my day job YouTube has always been a side gig you know what you call a side gig something that you've got passion for but it's it's more so a hobby it was never to make any money and I still don't make a lot of money but what you can do to help me with my content with my videos is smash that like button smash it before you even start watching the video you know that's it helps me it helps the content it helps it get out there and you know that that's that's all I can ask for so whether you do or not it's completely up to you but I'm thinking because I asked for you to like the video at the end of the video maybe I should ask for you to like it at the start of the video but we're gonna work on that so the last thing I want to mention is the top 100 video series that has actually contributed to to my mindset being the way it is at the moment because I got back from Bali and that was on the 17th of November so 14th three days later my daughter left and I said to myself so I'm just waiting for this wind to go I said to myself I'm gonna have to fill my my days off with something here and so I embarked on the top 100 NFL's greatest players of all-time video series and I finished it so I'm telling you right now you guys have only seen from zero from 100 to 70 or to 71 I've got from 70 to one already shot they're just not edited yet like us I haven't got a computer at the moment so I'm not really concerned about it what I am concerned about is getting this video out to you guys so you at least know I'm still here I'm still kicking and you know what is coming up in the future for me so in the meantime it is my mission to get a computer of course or a laptop a new one begin to edit up those 70 odd videos which is quite a daunting task and that's another thing after I finished those hundred videos I was so exhausted I was I was fried my brain was fucked I'm not even gonna lie you can love football all you like but when you go and do a hundred reactions within a two-week period it's gonna really throw you for six and that's what it did to me so I'm getting back I'm getting I'm getting I'm getting back to my old self and I know that once I see my daughter and I get over there and I can just be happy and I'm not working I'm gonna be on I'm gonna be on annual leave I'm gonna have a trip to the US booked and I'm gonna be around my daughter I mean if I'm not happy with that then I'm never gonna be happy but I know I am and and I know that that that mindset as far as creating content and being out of that paralysis by analysis is gonna come back I'm gonna start feeling better about myself the self-confidence is gonna be back because sometimes I tell you man I just cannot I cannot watch myself can you imagine trying to edit a hundred videos of yourself like and because of the fact that after I finished shooting those hundred videos I felt so you know just exhausted that when I when it came time to watch myself back and edit them I was in this mindset this really fucked up mindset that people aren't gonna want to watch this I'm talking shit you know I'm not saying enough I'm not reacting enough I'm not reacting well enough and I don't know if that's in my head or not I mean I couldn't read the comments I couldn't see how many how many dislikes I'd get because I was too scared I was too fucking scared you know this YouTube channel blowing up like it has it really affected me mentally but it's only because I'm not self-confident I don't have that confidence myself I don't know why some days I do some days I don't it's very wavering you know but all I do know is when I have a rugby field a rugby ball and rugby boots my feet I am confident and so I don't have boots or a ball but I am down at the field so it has made this video happen finally so all I've got to do is get it edited not that it needs much editing and put up on my channel so hopefully I'm gonna do that tonight today's date is January the 16th I'm still here I'm still alive I'm still kicking hopefully in another week I'm gonna be even better but yeah this last month has been testing that's for sure especially with work man when you have a fucking real stressful job and you're stressed in your private life I know that's life that's life life isn't fear life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get but I like to have it as predictable as possible and I guess maybe that's just not the maybe that's just not the way it's meant to be who wants a predictable life anyway you want it to be somewhat predictable but anyways guys I am really rambling right now I just hope this video is gonna make it to YouTube and hopefully I don't get any more calls like I did before halfway through a video which really throws you off I appreciate you guys I really do thanks for being here we've just had 116,000 subs by the end of 2019 I want to hit 200,000 subscribers that's the goal let's do it peace