 Can we get real for a moment in a sea of dysfunctionality when it comes to dating, mating and relating today? If you're a woman, it really helps to know which men are serious about a relationship versus those guys that are gonna waste your time. Does that sound like that'd be something of benefit to you? I think it would be. I think the challenges in dating today, and I was actually on a coaching call giving an example of what I think it's like in the dating realm today. And when I say, I think it's like, I know this from personal experience because it was literally yesterday that I was out there. And what I mean yesterday, literally yesterday, is that it's like going into a large football stadium. And for those who know football and know large stadiums, let's think of a stadium with a hundred thousand people in the stadium. And because of these devices, because of the swipe dating app and because of online dating, we literally walk into a stadium of a hundred thousand people and we gotta go, I've gotta find my soulmate. I've gotta find my partner in the sea of people out there. I want you to imagine that for a moment. You're walking into a stadium where it's just filled with people, how are you gonna actually meet someone who is aligned with your values, whose lifestyle is blendable with yours? And more importantly, that has the emotional maturity to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. So what do most people do? They focus on looks. They focus on the looks. And they're not really contemplating the more important picture when it comes to dating, mating or relating. Now, I know many of you say, well, I want a man who's honest and integrity and is trustworthy. Okay, well, I get that. But what about lifestyle is blendable with yours? What about he shares your values? And just because you might have values A, B and C, his values might be X, Y and Z, for example. So it's important to do a little bit more investigating than the average dating process because now you've got this hundred thousand people. And guess what people are doing in this stadium? They're clothes shopping. Now let me explain why I'm sharing this with you. Why I say clothes shopping. I want you to think this for a moment. When you go to a department store and shop or whether a man goes to a department store and shops and you go, I'd like to try on this shirt, okay? Well, how do you know that person hasn't cleaned their body before they tried on the shirt? How do you know that they haven't come from the gym and they tried on this shirt and all of a sudden they get their sweat and BO on this shirt and they just put it back on the rack. Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode where the BO episode where the valet left his stink on the car inside the car? Well, that's the way dating is today. We try something on for a little bit and all of a sudden we leave our stink on a person and I know that sounds graphic and gross but what I mean to say is if it's an unhealthy experience, if it's a disingenuous experience, if it's a wishy-washy experience, all of that residue is left on the person that was just trying it out. So I'm here to encourage a more intentional way to approach the dating process and what I mean by intentional is to really be intentional instead of cavalier like most people are hyper-focused on chemistry as the indicator of relationship success. I was almost burping there. That's right, chemistry. Most folks hyper-focus on chemistry and not the more important things to really determine a relationship but it goes beyond chemistry to actually have a successful relationship, folks. In fact, if you're not familiar with the stages of building a healthy, happy relationship, it doesn't matter if you know the great signs to determine if he's ready to commit and I'm gonna share those seven signs in a moment but what I wanna do first is discuss the stages of relationship so you're better prepared for when you meet this great guy, hopefully you meet this great guy, you're better prepared to understand the nuances of what happens and why most short relationships end up being short-lived today. I'm gonna repeat that. Most relationships these days become short-lived or they're very drawn out, miserable relationships. At least for those of us in mid-life and mid-life is after baby making years before retirement. That's the major demographic I speak to and while I wish I could be there for you on a first date, I'm your big brother, I'd have the shotgun out pointed at the guy's head saying what is your intentions with my little sister? That's the way I approach the process. I think as I said before, it's important to know the stages of a relationship. So stage one is the honeymoon phase. That's where all the endorphins are running, that's where you feel like you are going to conquer the earth and like Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm on top of the world so to speak. But what happens in stage two in a relationship is you start feeling a little bit of doubt because once the chemical reaction wears off, you're actually left with what this person, who this person is in your life. And so you might start feeling a little doubt, you might notice some differences in between the two of you. And when these differences occur, you reach stage three, which is the disillusionment stage. This is, it's often also known as if you think of a relationship as seasons, this is called the winter season, where you really start doubting or a person starts doubting whether or not they want to be in relationship with this person. And this can go on for quite some time, feeling that disillusionment. In fact, some people are just stuck in this section of their relationship because they're not doing the more important things to build the deeper roots of trust in a relationship because stage four is that decision-making stage. Do I wanna leave? Do I wanna stay and do nothing? Or do I wanna work on the problems? When I say I, I really mean the two of you want to work on the problem. Because it is through the threshold barriers, it is through the bumps in the road that a relationship can reach stage five, and that's genuine love. Because you've gone through some of the bumps in the road, you've gone through some of the hurdles, you've worked on it together, holding hands with one another to actually form a healthy, happy relationship. And why I shared this right now before getting into determining if a guy is genuinely serious. I think it's important for you to know the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. That's why if you follow my work, you know before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should have read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And I invite you to read chapter one with a guy before you give your heart away to a man. This is a great book to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And by the way, all the books I recommend is in the description under Jonathan recommends books. So you're dating someone right now. You're in the honey moon phase. When we're in the honey moon phase, you can do no wrong. I know I'm experiencing that right now for the most part, do no wrong. But what I mean to say is you're amped up on chemicals. But once you start to really blend together a little bit, those chemicals start to recede and then you have to really evaluate this person on how they show up in the process. So let me share with you these seven great signs. He wants to be committed to you, bump, bump, bump, bump. All right. And we'll get into it right now. So number one, and this is quite obvious, okay? But he makes time for you and he consistently keeps up with you. I mean, keeps in touch with you. When someone actually makes regular time, listen, folks, we have to recognize that men are initially driven by sex. So I'm not talking about the getting you bed into phase of being consistent. I'm talking about once you've formed, you've agreed to be monogamous and exclusive with one another and you're exploring a relationship to see if he's genuinely really interested in something committed. This is why, folks, I oftentimes recommend before you get too serious with some or become sexual with someone, you might want to consider my dating vows. You've heard the phrase or maybe you haven't. Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. This is why I've created a vow that you guys can recite to one another before you begin a regular sexual practice with one another, okay? Because the reality is you can have sex once and never see a person again, but if you're gonna have regular sex together, I invite you to read these dating vows to one another. And let me share with you what they are. Each one of you recites this to one another. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. You each say this to one another. Number two, I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. Number three, I agree to not actively seek and meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down my dating profiles. Do you know how many people have their dating profiles up while they're in relationship with someone? Number four, I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And lastly, I agree to invest regular time in the process to getting to know you, which looks like social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. And while 90% of guys will bail on this, are these guys serious about being in a committed relationship? I highly doubt it. So as we sift through this process, and I know some of you might think like, well, this feels like an interrogation. Well, let me tell you something. It's your job to interrogate someone. Listen, when we have a hunt, remember I said the football field, 100,000 people, you've got to sift through those people quickly. You don't have time for, listen, I know many of you want to be seduced by romance because that's what all the, what are those novels? Who's the Jane Austen novels or whatever it is? It just sounds so romantic that a man just sweeps you off your feet and all you have to do is sit in your feminine energy and he's going to claim you. Listen, we are in a dysfunctional world. We have human beings that are relatively fucked up. If you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity and relationship skills, and by the way, this is not in a fact, it's an opinion, I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. And while I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy and has good relationship skills, I'm being rather generous there. Most everybody is dysfunctional, dysfunctional. Yes, we have to recognize this. And I'm saying women is equal to men. Most of you women think you're perfect. Well, everybody who thinks they're perfect, that's the problem with dating is they're not owning their shit. When we own our shit, we actually show up as a better person, a better potential partner in the dating process. Okay, number one, he makes time for you and keeps in touch with you. I know that's obvious. Number two, his actions match his words consistently. Look, if we are human beings, we all can make mistakes. But the end of the day, when a person who genuinely wants to commit to you, their actions are going to consistently match their words. They might have hiccups here or there, but for the most part, they want to lean into, when someone wants to be committed to you, he's going to be more intentional. His actions will be consistent. When you're with somebody whose actions are wishy-washy and inconsistent, it's because he doesn't know that he wants to commit to you. I know a lot of guys say, I've been hurt before and I need to take it slow. I've been watching 90-day fiance lately and I've been watching the TV show or arranged marriages. I'm not so convinced that maybe the dating process should be, two people should spend 90 days living together and have an agreement. We either move on or we get married. I mean, I'm wondering if that might be a better approach. You're with each other 24 seven to see if you actually can fit into each other's lives together, this slow drawn out process and everybody, I've been hurt so much, I need to take it slow. All that really means is you don't know what the fuck you want. When somebody says I'm taking it slow, it's because they either don't like you enough to wanna progress it forward or they just don't know what they want because when a man, look at him, you guys know I'm in a relationship right now. After our second date, if you will or our second time together, I knew I wanted to explore something with her. I saw something special in this person but part of that is because I'm also in a place where look, I recognize that the perfect person doesn't exist. So what I see in her is potential and when a man sees potential with someone he wants to devote time to that person and this is why my actions have consistently matched my words since we began our process of I don't wanna even say getting to know each other we're in a relationship and we're exploring long-term with one another. Number three, he is transparent about his past relationships. He is transparent about his past relationships. This is critically important. People that are secretive about their past relationships. Listen, a good predictor of the future is how someone operated from the past and I don't mean to pigeonhole people by their past but certainly when someone is secretive about their past that is not someone who is intentional about being in the process. Someone who is intentional is transparent about their past and they also don't throw their previous partner completely under the bus. A lot of times people are throwing their partners under the bus and all that is is deflecting the blame because if you don't take ownership in your part of what went wrong that is gonna be problematic in the relationship. Number four, number four, sorry, this is not four. This is four. He engages you in his life and I think a great way when a gant man engages you into his life is he asks you questions, he asks you your opinion. Recently my girlfriend was telling me some skincare products that I might wanna consider to rejuvenate my face a little bit and I was asking her opinion on this. I wanna get her take. Women tend to be better in this process of things like that. So when a man asks you or your opinion he seeks to get your help or advice that's a great sign that he is at least committed to wanna exploring something beyond the surface and yet sadly these days most people spend too much time on the surface in the how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. We gotta stop talking about our day and start digging deeper roots if you wanna have a fully committed relationship that goes the distance and remember what I said before. It's the relationships that can overcome their obstacles that find their path to deeper love. Number five, he asks to meet your family and he asks to meet your friends. Acts, asks, asks. Excuse my tongue here. When a guy genuinely wants to be committed with you he wants to get to know the people in your life to see if he can fit in. Look at, we have a dysfunctional group of human beings out there that are afraid of their own shadow and they're afraid of getting to know the people in your life. Listen, many of you have not done the work and many of the men you're dating haven't done the work but I'm highly recommending you read the book The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas because the reason why people are reluctant to meet the people in your life is because they've had messed up childhood and it just feels like it compounds to their life. Now I'm not saying this as an absolute I'm just giving you some insight into what might be happening and yet a man who wants to be committed to you he's gonna make effort by wanting to see the people in your life. Number six, he's protective of you not just from a physical sense he's protected of you from an emotional sense and what I mean to say is he's not gonna make promises emotional promises to you if he can't keep it the real essence of being a protector is not just the physical sense of like being able to walk on the outside of the street or opening the car door what that really means is can he protect your heart? And a man who fully wants to commit to you is not gonna make promises he can't keep he's not from an emotional level because he's actually protecting your heart and when men are genuinely serious about you they're going to be protective of your heart and quite frankly they're not gonna be overboard on telling you how amazing you are they're gonna be pragmatic and forthright not over the top and number seven, number seven he understands that relationships are about the future versus living in the moment that's right relationships are all about building something in the future and yet sadly most of these guys hey, let's just live in the moment I just want something casual people that are living in the moment oftentimes aren't intentional because when a man fully wants to commit to you he is committed to wanting to build something long term versus short term so he's thinking about the future and he's engaging with you in that capacity is this sinking in is this resonating please let me know hit that thumbs up button hit the like button share this video please subscribe to my channel if you haven't considered subscribing to my channel so just to repeat those seven great signs he makes time for you and keeps in touch with you yes that's obvious number two is actions match his words consistently number three he's transparent about his past he's not secretive number four he engages you in his life including asking your opinion and asking for your help number five he asked to meet your family and friends he wants to see if he fits into your life number six he's protective of you not just from a physical perspective but from an emotional perspective as well and last but not least number seven he understands that our relationships are about the future not just living in the moment all right that covers our content portion of our video today I think we're gonna talk about Q&A and what I mean to say is if you have a question for me write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from this or you can purchase a super thanks if you're watching the replay all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley that's a picture of him right there with his best friend or one of his dear friends that's the the logo I've come up for him salty love it's a t-shirt line I'm in the process of creating so again if you wanna donate to it just hit that little dollar sign and post a question there or just simply say thanks there as well all right time to take questions let's go swim in by the way I see Debra's in the house Debra says a dating vow is like a promise on a promise so let me explain something for everyone she also says Debra says dating vow implies written dedication pre-pre-engagement kind of intimidating that we already signed paperwork so here's the bottom line you know it didn't used to be just a hundred years ago if you wanted to get laid you had to get married and getting married you made a vow with someone so what's so wrong with being more intentional instead of cavalier ambivalent or uncertain these days it's just listen realistically speaking there's gonna be guys that will agree to it and bail but I will tell you it's about having a deeper conversation instead of this stupid dysfunctional way people are dating today because it's like walking into that stadium I spoke of and trying to figure out your soulmate out of a hundred thousand people as I shared before by weeding people out it's much easier to see who's more aligned to who you are and what you want that's one of the reasons why I started my coaching practice by the way if you wanna schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you click that or shoot me an email there but the reality is is listen what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results I'm just offering an alternate way to approach this I'm not saying it's right I'm just suggesting you may wanna try it all right Deborah thank you all right let's see what we have here oh I wanna thank Amy for the $2 super sticker thank you so much they saw a couple more earlier I wanna thank Grace for the $2 super sticker thank you so much and Barbara as well thank you so much I appreciate that all right let's see if you have a question post the word question then write the question there after all right let's see what we got here Pamela says question what if the guy shows all seven signs but has stated he doesn't have the capacity to commit long term well that's an interesting question he understands relationships are about the future so I guess the question if he let's go back to this again he doesn't have the capacity to commit long term well then you don't have the capacity to give your vagina in the short term remember women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment you just hold off having sex with them you guys can be friends with one another but if you wanna explore a relationship and have a long term game plan instead of this cavalier short term game plan it's one of the reasons why we're seeing such dysfunctionality because here's what's happening people are going out for a couple months and then breaking up and they meet someone else they go out for a couple months and break up and they meet someone else and go out for a year and they break up and they meet someone else and go out for two years and they break up and then they go out for two weeks and they break up and pretty soon all of this dating and short lived experience begins to wear emotionally on our wellbeing in fact, the number one emotional health issue people are facing is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and I think dating amplifies this like nobody's business and if you wanna create a vaccination to this emotional chaos I highly recommend reading my book what the heck a self love anyway a journey of personal development self health and spiritual work there's a link below of course I'm gonna pitch my book because it's not a dating book it's about being empowered but more importantly and by the way I highly recommend listen I don't agree with 100% of everything in this book but I highly recommend reading why men love bitches why men love bitches I'm gonna share with you one of the sections I was reading this morning the bitch stands her ground a bitch a woman who won't bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else's opinion be it a man or anyone else in her life she understands that if someone does not approve of her or is not interested in her it's just one person in their opinion therefore there's no real importance if a guy doesn't wanna committed relationship with you and you wanna committed relationship move on there's no sense in beating your head up against the wall trying to get someone to change find someone who already wants fully committed relationship listen like what I said it's like going to a football stadium with a hundred thousand people I try to teach you how to figure out the guys much sooner rather than later who are legitimately ready for commitment versus those ones who are not so Pamela thank you for your question I appreciate it Malina says question is it appropriate to ask where you get your funds and how much I think what you're asking is how do you make a living and how much do you make in a living I think that's the question you're asking so I think through the normal course of conversation you can find out how somebody does first off by asking what they do for a living just go tell me what you're passionate about in your professional life that would be a great way to start the conversation about what you do and how you figure out what they make kinda look at the car they drive the clothes they wear where they live you get a little sense of how much they make certainly if you're having regular sex together I think having a conversation about money is critically important to determine if you're gonna be in a regular committed relationship together in fact in the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman just as a reminder chapter two, three, four chapter four the cost of love the cost of love work and money is one of the most important questions to be talking about in the early stage of dating so yes I think those are good things to want to observe and find out about within a guy oh my neck is still sore Barbara says went out with bachelor number seven great as afternoon now he's quiet after date do men get quiet to process the date? Yes, men will I went through a period after my first date with my beloved where I kinda took a step back because the chemicals came on so strong I need to come back to a little bit of an equilibrium and in that coming back I pulled back just a little bit get my sense of center and when we were apart I actually began missing her but what I mostly I didn't miss her I just appreciated her so much that that time apart I felt like I was missing her but men do need to come back to a little equilibrium especially after the hormones and the pheromones and the testosterone gets flooded there is a sense of coming back to center so yes that does happen but it shouldn't happen for more than a few days before they want to see you again if they genuinely like you so great question there Barbara thank you so much question shouldn't the dating vow also include a question about sharing test results before becoming intimate? I've not heard you mentioned discussing tests or medical needs to know thank you all right folks I'm not familiar with my acronym CARES before having sex okay CARES C-A-R-E-S C-A-R-E-S CARES C stands for do not have sex with someone unless you feel comfortable don't have sex just to please them and don't have sex because you have drank too much is my first thoughts right off the bat okay number two the A stands for be aware be aware of the consequences if you attach quickly to a guy at least be aware of that before you have sex number three or the R excuse me is learn his real intentions he's in it for the short run is it just casual or is he in it for long run the E stands for exclusivity meaning if you're gonna have regular sex together I don't wanna get cooties from someone else so I'd like to be monogamous and exclusive with someone and the S stands for safety and safety means physical safety as well as medical safety and what I mean to say is you might wanna consider STD tests as part of the practice so CARES C-A-R-E-S comfortable, aware, real intentions exclusivity and safe okay I hope that helps Trisha thank you so much for that question Debra says I agree it weeds out a lot of people lets us, lets a lot of manipulate but it also lets certainly there and I think she's talking about the dating vows yes it does allow manipulators to come in but I'll tell you this nine out of 10 guys you know they're just gonna walk away from it yes there's gonna be some manipulators but you know how you tell a manipulator they're pushing sex that's how you tell it's a manipulator they're pushing more for sex and not actually taking the time to genuinely get to know you that's how you tell oftentimes tell the disc difference unless they're the Tinder swindler and then they're just gonna rope you in and try to take money but usually they love bombs so much you can recognize those sooner rather than later all right let's just keep swimming I wanna thank Karima for the $2 super sticker thank you so much Debra says I agree repetitive dating takes an emotional toll and is exhausting exactly Valerie says too many women in LA for any of them to settle down even in their 60s I just got the free dinner to leave and then I got I just got get the free dinner and leave them wanting more no sex okay all right do we have any more questions bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum let's go swimming just keep swimming well looks like we have a bashful group tonight so you know what I'm gonna cut the live stream short tonight I think this was a good segue into I'll kind of repeat those seven ways to tell if he's committed to you or great signs he wants to be committed to you number one he makes time for you and he keeps in touch number two his actions match his words consistently number three he's transparent about his past number four he engages in your life he asks you questions and seeks your advice number four or excuse me number five he asked to meet your family and friends number six he's protective of you not just from a physical perspective but from an emotional perspective as well and number six seven excuse me boy he understands their relationships are about the future versus just living in the moment these are great signs a guy wants to be committed to you listen there's no absolutes here there's really no absolutes here these are just simple ways to kind of determine if someone might be more interested in the long term than the short term I recognize that these days it's very difficult because today there's really no need for long term commitment as much as it was before to gain access to companionship connection and sex without any commitment my invitation for you is to set higher standards for yourself don't settle on mediocrity by showing up fully ready to be in committed but relationship by reading the recommended the books I recommend in my videos I suggest that because the more prepared you are the less likely you're going to attract the wrong guy and actually create room for the right guy okay so look I hope this resonated with you please hit that like button please share this video please subscribe to my channel and as always if you find value please consider signing up for a coaching session or check out all the links below and I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barragh of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives I wanna thank Jessica, Jeanne, Grace, and Debra Milat and Mahalia and Brenda by the way I'm butchering names Cheeky, Trisha, Barbara, Amy, Jennifer, Mona, Carrie, Grace, everyone I wanna thank you so much wishing you a super duper wonderful evening you be well, thanks, bye bye now