 Chapter 23 of Stepping Heavenwood This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Lucy Burgoyne. Stepping Heavenwood by E. Prentice Chapter 23 January 1, 1851 It is a great while since I wrote that. God has been just as good as ever. I want to say that before I say another word, that He has indeed smitten me very sorely. While we were in the midst of our rejoicings about James and Helen, and the bright future that seemed opening before them, He came home one day very ill. Ernest happened to be in and attended to him at once. But the disease was, at the very outset, so violent, and rage with such absolute fury, that no remedies had any effect. Everything, even now, seems confused in my mind. It seems as if there was a sudden transition from the most brilliant, joyous health to a brief but fearful struggle for life, speedily followed by the awful mystery and stillness of death. Is it possible, I still ask myself, that for short days wrought an event whose consequences must run through endless years? Poor mother, poor Helen, when it was all over, I do not know what to say of mother, but that she behaved and quieted herself like a weaned child. Her sweet composure awed me. I did not give way to my own vehement. Terrible sorrow. In the presence of this Christ-like patience, all noisy demonstrations seemed profane. I thought no human being was less selfish, more loving than she had been for many years. But the spirit that now took possession of her flowed into her heart and life directly from the great heart of love, whose depth I had never even begun to sound. There was, therefore, something absolutely divine in her aspect, in the tones of her voice, in the very smile on her face. We could compare its expression to nothing but Stephen when he, being full of the Holy Ghost, looked up steadfastly to heaven and saw the glory of God and Jesus standing on the right hand of God. As soon as James was gone, Helen came to our home. There was never any discussion about it. She came naturally to be one of us. Mother's health, already very frail, gradually failed and encompassed, as I was, with cares, I could not be with her constantly. Helen took the place to her of a daughter and found herself welcome like one. The atmosphere in which we all lived was one which cannot be described. The love for all of us and for every living thing that flowed in Mother's words and tones passed all knowledge. The children's little joys and sorrows interested her exactly as if she was one of themselves. They ran to her with every petty grievance and every new pleasure. During the time she lived with us, she had won many warm friends, particularly among the poor and the suffering. As her strength would no longer allow her to go to them, those who could do so came to her, and I was struck to see she had ceased entirely from giving counsel and now gave nothing but the most beautiful, tender compassion and sympathy. I saw that she was failing, I flattered myself that her own serenity and our care would prolong her life still for many years. I longed to have my children become old enough to fully appreciate her sanctified character and I thought she would gradually fade away and be set free. As light winds wandering through groves of bloom detached the delicate blossoms from the tree. But God's thoughts are not as our thoughts, not His ways, as our ways. Her feeble body began to suffer from the rudest assaults of pain day and night, night and day. She lived through martyrdom in which what might have been a lifetime of suffering from concentrated into a few months. To witness these sufferings was like the sundering of joints and marrow and once, only once, thank God, my faith in Him staggered and real to and fro. How can He look down on such agonies? I cried in my secret soul. Is this the work of a God of love, of mercy? Mother seemed to divine my thoughts for she took my hand tenderly in hers and said, with great difficulty, Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him. He is just as good as ever and she smiled. I ran away to earnest crying. Oh, is there nothing you can do for her? What should a poor mortal do where Christ has done so much, my darling? He said, taking me in His arms, let her stand at side and see the glory of God with their shoes from off our feet, that He went to her with one more desperate effort to relieve her, yet in vain. Mrs. Embry, of whom mother was fond and who was always very kind when we are in trouble, came in just then and after looking on a moment in tears she said to me, God knows whom He can trust. He would not lay His hand thus on all His children. Those few words quieted me. Yes, God knows. And now it is all over. My precious, precious mother has been a saint in heaven more than two years and has forgotten all the battles she fought on earth and all her sorrows and all her sufferings of her redeemer. She knew that she was going and the last words she uttered and they were spoken with somewhat of the playful, quaint manner in which she had spoken all her life and with her own bright smile still sound in my ears. I have given God a great deal of trouble that He is driving me into pasture now and then with her cheek on her hand she fell asleep and slept on till just at sundown she awoke to find herself in the green pasture that driving all over forever and ever. Who by searching can find our God? My dear Father entered heaven after a prosperous life path within. He was unconscious of the pain and beloved James went bright and fresh and untarnished by conflict straight to the master's feast but what a long lifetime of bereavement, sorrow and suffering was my darling mother's pathway to glory. Surely her felicity must be greater than theirs and the crown she has won by such a struggle must be brighter than the stars and this crown she is even now while I sit here choked with tears casting joyfully at the feet of her Saviour. My sweet sister my precious little Helen still nestles in our hearts and in our home. Martha made one passionate appeal to her to return to her but earnest interfered. Let her stay with Katie he said James would have chosen to have her with the one human being like himself. Does he then think me with all my faults the languor of frail health and the cares and burdens of life weighing upon me enough life that sparkling brave boy to be abuse and comfort to dear Helen. I take courage at the thought and rouse myself afresh to bear on with fidelity and patience my steadfast aim now is to follow in my mother's footsteps to imitate her cheerfulness her benevolence her bright inspiring ways and never to rest till in place of my selfish nature I become as full of Christ's love as she became. I am glad she is at last relieved from the knowledge of all my cares and though I often and often yearn to throw myself into her arms and pour out my cares and trials into her sympathising years I would not have her back for all the world she has got away from all the turmoil and suffering of life let her stay the scenes of sorrow through which we have been passing have brought earnest nearer to me than ever and I can see that this varied discipline has softened and sweetened his character besides we have modified each other earnest is more demonstrative more attentive to those little things that make the happiness of married life and I am less childish less feemant I wish I could say less selfish but here I seem to have come to a standstill but I do understand the artist's trials in his profession far better than I did and can feel and show some sympathy in them of course the life of a physician is necessarily one of self-denial spent as it is amid scenes of suffering and sorrow which is often powerless to alleviate but there is besides the wear and tear of poverty his bills are disputed or allowed to run on near after year unnoticed he is often dismissed because he cannot put himself in the place of providence and save life and a truly grateful generous patient is almost an unknown rarity I do not speak of these things to complain of them I suppose they are a necessary part of that whole provincial plan by which God moulds and fashions and tempers the human soul just as my petty but incessant household cares are if I had nothing to do that love my husband and children and perform for them without let or hindrance the sweet ideal duties of wife and mother how content I should be to live always in this world but what would become of me if I were not called in the pursuit of these duties and in contact with real life to bare restless nights ill health, unwelcome news and faults of servants contempt in gratitude of friends, my own failings loneliness of spirits the struggle in overcoming my corruption and the score of kindred trials Bishop Wilson charges us to bear all these things as unto God and with the greatest privacy how seldom have I met them save as lions in my way that I would avoid if I could and how I have tormented my friends by tedious complaints about them yet when compared to the tragedies of suffering I have both witnessed and suffered how petty they seem our household bereft of mothers and James bright presence now numbers just as many members as it did before they left us another angel has flown into it though not on wings and I have four darling children the baby who can hardly be called a baby now being nearly two years old my hands and my heart are full but two of the children go to school and that certainly makes my days work easier the little things are happier for having regular employment and we are so glad to meet each other again after the brief separation I try to be at home when it is time to expect them for I love to hear their eager voices ask in chorus the moment the door opens is mama at home Helen has taken Daisy to sleep with her which after so many years of ups and downs at night now with restless babies now to answer the bell when Ernest is out is a great relief to me poor Helen she has never recovered her cheerfulness since James's death it has crushed her energies and left her very sorrowful this is partly owing to a soft and tender nature easily born down and overwhelmed partly to what seems an almost constitutional inability to find rest in God's will she is sensed to all we say to her about submission in a sweet gentle way and then comes the invariable mournful wail but it was so unexpected it came so suddenly but I love the little thing and her affection for us all is one of our greatest comforts Martha is greatly absorbed in her own household its cares and its pleasures she brings her little underhills to see us occasionally when they put my children quite out of countenance by their consciousness of the fine clothes they wear and their knowledge of the world even I find it hard not to feel abashed in the presence of so much of the sort of wisdom in which I am lacking as to Lucy she is exactly in her sphere the calm dignity with which she reigns her husband's house and the moderation and self-control with which she guides his children are really instructive she has a baby of her own and though it acts just like other babies and kicks, scratches, pulls and cries when it is washed and dressed she goes through that process with a serenity and deliberation her predecessor in the nursery was all nerve and brain and has left four children made of the same material behind her but their wild spirits on one day and their depression and langua on the next have no visible effect upon her her influence is always quieting she turns down their vehemence with her own calm decision and practical good sense it is amusing to see her seated among those four little furries who love each other in such a distracted way that somebody's feelings are always getting hurt and somebody always crying by a sort of magnetic influence she heals these wounds immediately and finds some prosaic occupation and antidote to these poetical moods I confess that I am instructed and reproved whenever I go to see her and wish I were more like her but there is no use in trying to engraft an opposite nature on one's own what I am that I must be except as God changes me into his own image and everything brings me back to that as my supreme desire I see more and more that I must be myself what I want my children to be and that I cannot make myself over even for their sakes this must be his work and I wonder that it goes on so slowly that all the disappointments sorrows, sicknesses I have passed through still selfish still full of imperfections March 5 1852 this is the 6th anniversary of James's death thinking it all over after I went to bed last night his sickness, his death and the weary months that followed the mother I could not get to sleep till long past midnight crying with the earache and I was up till nearly daybreak with her poor child I got up jaded and depressed almost ready to faint under the burden of life and ready to meet Helen who is doubly sad on these anniversaries she came down to breakfast dressed as usual in deep mourning and looking as spiritless as I felt the prattle of the children relieved the somber silence maintained by the rest of us each of whom acted depressingly on the others how things do flash into one's mind these words suddenly came to mind as we sat so gloomily at the table God had spread for us and which he had in liven by the four young faces around it why should the children of a king go mourning all their days why indeed children of a king I felt grieved that I was so intent on my own sorrows as to lose sight of my relationship to him and then I asked myself what I could do to make the day less wearism and sorrowful to Helen she came after a time with her work to my room the children took their good by kisses and went off to school Ernest took his too and set forth on his day's work while Daisy played quietly about the room Helen dear I ventured at last to begin I want you to do me a favour today yes she said languidly I want you to go to see Mrs Campbell this is the day for her beef tea and she will be looking out for one of us you must not ask me to go today Helen answered I think I must dear when other springs of comfort dry up there is one always left to us and that as mother often said is usefulness I do try to be useful she said yes you are very kind to me and to the children if you were my own sister you could not do more but these little duties do not relieve that aching void in your heart which earns so for relief no she said quickly I have no such tuning I just want to settle down as I am now yes I suppose that is the natural tendency of sorrow but there is great significance in the prayer for a heart at leisure from itself to soothe and sympathise oh Katie she said you don't know you can't know how I feel until James began to love me so I did not know there was such a love as that in the world you know our family is different and it is so delightful to be loved or rather it was don't say was I said you know we all love you dearly, dearly yes but not as James did that is true it was foolish in me to expect to console you by such suggestions but to go back to Mrs Campbell she will sympathise with you as very few can but she has lost both husband and children ah but she had a husband for a time at least it is not as if he was snatched away before they had lived together if anybody else had said this I should have felt that it was out of more perverseness but dear little Helen is not perverse she is simply overburdened I grant that your disappointment was greater than hers I went on but the affliction was not every day that a husband and wife walk hand in hand together upon earth makes at the twain more and more one flesh the selfish element which at first formed so large a part of their attraction to each other disappears and the union becomes so pure and beautiful as to form a fitting type of the union of Christ and his church there is nothing else on earth like it Helen sighed I find it hard to believe she said there can be anything more delicious than the months in which James and I were so happy together suffering together would have brought you even nearer dear Helen I am very sorry for you I hope you feel that even when according to my want I fall into arguments as if one could argue a sorrow away you are so happy she answered Ernest loves you so dearly and is so proud of you and you have such lovely children I ought not to expect you to sympathise perfectly with your loneliness yes I am happy I said after a pause but you must own dear that I have had my sorrows too until you become a mother yourself you cannot comprehend what a mother can suffer right merely for herself in losing her children but in seeing their sufferings I think I may say of my happiness on something higher and deeper than even Ernest and my children and what is that the will of God the sweet will of God if he should take them all away I might still possess a peace which would flow on forever I know this partly from my own experience and partly from that of others Mrs Campbell says that the three months that followed of her first child were the happiest she had ever known Mrs Wentworth whose husband was snatched from her almost without warning and while using expressions of affection for her such as a lover addresses to his bride said to me with tears rolling down her cheeks yet with a smile I thank my God and Saviour that he has not forgotten and asked me by but has counted me worthy to bear this sorrow for his sake and hear this passage from the life of Wesley which I lighted on this morning he visited one of his disciples who was ill in bed and after having buried seven of her family in six months had just heard that the eighth her husband whom she duly loved had seen I asked her he says do you not fret at any of those things she says with a lovely smile oh no how can I fret at anything which is the will of God let him take all beside he has given me himself I love I praise him every moment yes how unobjected I can imagine people are saying such things in moments of excitement but afterwards they have hours of terrible agony of course God's grace does not harden our hearts and make them proof against suffering like coats of mail they can all say out of the depths have I cried unto thee and it is they alone who have been down into the depths and had rich experience of what God could be to his children there who can utter such testimonials to his honour as those I have just repeated Katie Helen suddenly asked do you always submit to God's will thus in great things I do I said what grieved me is that I am constantly forgetting to recognise God's hand in the little everyday trials of life and instead of receiving them as from him find fault with the instruments by which he sends them I can give up my child my only brother my darling mother without a word but to receive every tiresome visitor as sent expressly and directly to weary me by the master himself and the servants on the part of the servants as his choice for me at the moment to be satisfied and patient when earnest gets particularly absorbed in his books because my father sees that little discipline suitable for me at the time all this I have not fully learned all you say discourages me said Helen in a tone of deep dejection was only meant for a few favoured ones and I do not dare so much as to aim at it I am perfectly sure that I must be satisfied with the low state of grace I am in now and always have been she was about to leave me but I called her hand as she would have passed me and made one more attempt to reach her poor weary soul but are you satisfied dear Helen I asked as tenderly as I would speak to a little sick child surely you crave happiness as every human soul does yes I crave it she replied but God has taken it from me he has taken away your earthly happiness I know but only to convince you what better things he has in store for you let me read you a letter which Dr. Cabot wrote me many years ago but which has been an almost constant inspiration to me ever since she sat down resumed her work again and listened to the letter in silence as I came to its last sentence the three children rushed in from school at least the boys did upon me like men assaulting a fort I have formed the habit of giving myself entirely to them at the proper moment and now entered into their frolics and mood as joyously as if I had never known a sorrow or lost an hour's sleep at last they went off to their playroom and Nuna settled down by my side to amuse Daisy when Helen began again I should like to read that letter myself she said meanwhile I want to ask you one question what are you made of that you can turn from one thing to another like lightning talking one moment as if life depended on every word and then frisking about with those wild boys as if you were a child yourself I saw Nuna look up curiously to hear my answer as I replied I have always aimed at this flexibility I think a mother especially ought to learn to enter into the gayer moods of her children at the very moment when her own heart is sad and it may be as religious an act for her to romp with them at the time as to pray with them at another Nuna now went away to her room with Doctor Capit's letter which I silently prayed might bless her as it had blessed me and then a jaded disheartened mood came over me that made me feel that all I had been saying to her was but a sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal since my life and my professions did not correspond hitherto my consciousness of imperfection has made me hesitate to say much to Helen why are we so afraid of those who live under the same roof with us it must be the conviction that those who daily see us acting in a petty selfish trifling way must find it hard to concede that our prayers and our desires take a wider and higher aim dear little Helen may the ice once broken remain broken forever End of Chapter 23 Chapter 24 of Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kalinda Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 24 March 20th Helen returned Dr. Cabot's letter in silence this morning but directly after breakfast set forth to visit Mrs. Campbell with the little bottle of beef tea in her hands which ought to have gone yesterday I had a busy day before me the usual Saturday baking and Sunday dinner to oversee the children's lessons for tomorrow to super intend and hear them repeat their clean clothes to lay out and a basket of stockings to mend I distracted with these cares and I found it a little difficult to keep on with my morning devotions in spite of them but I have learned at least to face and fight such distractions instead of running away from them as I used to do my faith in prayer my resort to it becomes more and more the foundation of my life and I believe with one wiser and better than myself that nothing but prayer stands between my soul and the best gifts of God in other words that I can and shall get what I ask for I went down into the kitchen put on my large baking apron and began my labours of course the doorbell rang and a poor woman was announced it is very sweet to follow Fenelind's counsel and give oneself to Christ in all these interruptions but this time I said oh dear, before I thought then I wished I hadn't and went up with a cheerful face at any rate to my unwelcome visitor who proved to be one of my aggravating quirks a great giant of a woman in perfect health and with a husband to support her if he will I told her that I could do no more for her she answered me rudely and kept urging her claims I felt ruffled why should my time be thus fritted away I asked myself at last she went off abusing me in a way that chilled my heart I could only beg God to forgive her and return to my work which I had hardly resumed when Mrs. Embry sent for a pattern I had promised to lend her off came my apron and up two pairs of stairs I ran after a long search it came to light work resumed doorbell again Auntie wanted the children to come to an early dinner going to aunties is next to going to paradise to them everything was now hurry and flurry I tried to be patient and not to fret their temper by undue attention to nails, ears and other susceptible parts of the human frame but after it was all over and I kissed all the sweet dear faces goodbye and returned to the kitchen I felt sure that I had not been the perfect mother I want to be in all these little emergencies yes, far from it Bridget had let the milk I was going to use boil over and finally burn up I was annoyed and irritated and already tired and did not see how I was to get more as Mary was cleaning the silver to be sure there was not much of it and had other extra Saturday work to do I thought Bridget might offer to run to the corner for it though it isn't her business but she is not obliging and seemed as sulky as if I had burned the milk not she after all I said to myself what does it signify if Ernest gets no dessert it isn't good for him and how much precious time is wasted over just this one thing however I reflected that arbitrarily refusing to indulge him in this respect is not exactly my mission as his wife he is perfectly well and likes his little luxuries as well as other people do so I humbled my pride and asked Bridget to go for the milk which she did in a lofty way of her own while she was gone the marketing came home and I had everything to dispose of Ernest had sent home some apples which plainly said I want some apple pie Katie I looked nervously at the clock and undertook to gratify him Mary came down crying to say that her mother who lived in Brooklyn was very sick could she go to see her? I looked at the clock once more told her she should go of course as soon as lunch was over this involved my doing all her absence left undone at last I got through with the kitchen the Sunday dinner being well underway and ran upstairs to put away the host of little garments the children had left when they took their flight and to make myself presentable at lunch then I began to be uneasy I did not be punctual and Mary be delayed but he came just as the clock struck one I ran joyfully to meet him very glad now that I had something good to give him we had just got through lunch and I was opening my mouth to tell Mary she might go when the doorbell rang once more and Mrs. Fry of Jersey City was announced I told Mary to wait till I found whether she had lunched or not no she hadn't had come to town to see friends off was half famished and what I do were the favor etc etc she had a fashionable young lady with her a stranger to me as well as a miss somebody else from Albany whose name I did not catch I apologized for having finished lunch Mrs. Fry said all they wanted was a cup of tea and a bit of bread and butter nothing else dear now don't put yourself out now be bright and animated and like yourself she whispered before I have brought these girls here on purpose to hear you talk and they are prepared to fall in love with you on the spot this speech suffice to shut my mouth Mary had to get ready for these unexpected guests whose appetites proved equal to a raid on a good many things besides bread and butter Mrs. Fry said after she had devoured nearly half a loaf of cake that she would really try to eat a more some more which Ernest remarked dryly was a great triumph of mind over matter as they talked and laughed and ate leisurely on Mary stood looking a picture of despair at last I gave her a glance that said she might go when a new visitor was announced Mrs. Winthrop from Brooklyn one of Ernest's patients a few years ago when she lived here she professed herself greatly indebted to him and said she had come at this hour because she should make sure of seeing him I tried to excuse him as I knew he would be thankful to have me do but no see him she must he was her pet doctor he had such sweet bedside manners and I am such a favorite with him you know Ernest did not receive his favorite with any special warmth but invited her out to lunch and gallanted her to the table we had just left just like a man poor Mary she had to fly round and get up what she could to Ernest with a persistent ignoring of me that I thought rude and unwomanly she asked if he had read a certain book he had not she then said I need not ask then if Mrs. Elliott has done so these charming dishes which she gets up so nicely must absorb all her time of course replied Ernest but she contrives to read the reports of all the murders of which the newspapers are full Mrs. Winthrop took this speech literally drew away her skirts from me looked at me through her eyeglass and said yes at last she departed Helen came home and Mary went I gave Helen an account of my morning she laughed hardly and it did me good to hear the musical sound once more it is nearly five o'clock I said as we at last had restored everything to order and this whole day has been frittered away in the various trifles it isn't living to live so who is the better for my being in the world since six o'clock this morning I am for one she said kissing my hot cheeks and you have given a great deal of pleasure to several persons Ernest's hospitality is always graceful I admire it in you both and this is one of the little ways not to be despised of giving enjoyment it was nice in her to say that it quite rested me at the dinner table Ernest complimented me on my good housekeeping I was proud of my little wife at lunch he said and yet you said that outrageous thing about my reading about nothing but murders I said oh well you understood it he said laughingly but that dreadful Mrs. Winthrop took it literally don't care for Mrs. Winthrop he returned if you could have seen the contrast between you two in my eyes after all one must take life as it comes its homely details are so mixed up with its sweet charities and loves and friendships that one is forced to believe that God has joined them together and does not will that they should be put asunder it is something that my husband has been satisfied with his wife and his home today that does me good March 30th a stormy day in the children home from school there is no laughing going on it must be delightful to feel well and strong while one's children are young there is so much to do for them I do it but no one can tell the effort it costs me what a contrast there is between their vitality and the languor under which I suffer when their noise became intolerable I proposed to read to them of course they made ten times as much clamor of pleasure and of course they leaned on me ground their elbows into my lap and tired me all out as I sat with this precious little group about me again, bravely and without a word and instantly disappeared I felt uneasy and asked him this evening why he looked so was I indulging the children too much or what was it he took me into his arms and said my precious wife why will you torment yourself with such fancies my very heart was yearning over you at that moment as it did the first time I saw you surrounded by your little class at Sunday school years ago and I was asking myself why God had given me such a wife and my children such a mother I am glad I have got this written down I will read it over when the sense of my deficiencies overwhelms me while I ask God why he has given me such a patient forbearing husband April 1st, this has been a sad day to our church our dear Dr. Cabot has gone to his eternal home and left us as sheep without a shepherd his death was sudden at the last and found us all unprepared for it but my tears of sorrow are mingled with tears of joy his heart had been long in heaven ready to go at a moment's warning never was a soul so constantly enjoyously on the wing as his poor Mrs. Cabot she has left very desolate for all their children are married and settled at a distance but she bears this sorrow like one who has long felt herself a pilgrim and a stranger on earth how strange that we ever forget that we are all such April 16th the desolate pilgrimage was not long dear Mrs. Cabot was this day laid away by the side of her beloved husband and it is delightful to think of them as not divided by death but united by it in a complete and eternal union I never saw a husband and wife more tenderly attached to each other and this is a beautiful close to their long and happy married life I find it hard not to wish and pray that I may as speedily follow my precious husband should God call him away first but it is not for me to choose how I shall miss these faithful friends who from my youth have been my stay and my staff in the house of my pilgrimage almost all the disappointments and sorrows of my life have had their Christian sympathy particularly the daily wasting solicitude concerning my darling Oona where they watched for years over as a delicate as a flower and saw it fade and die only those who have suffered thus can appreciate the heart soreness through which no matter how outwardly cheerful I may be I am always passing but what then? have I not ten thousand times made this prayer the words of Layton my will might become identical with God's will and shall he not take me at my word? just as I was writing these words my canary burst forth through the song so joyous that a song was put also into my mouth something seemed to say this captive sings in this cage because it is never known liberty and cannot regret a lost freedom so the soul of my child limited by the restrictions of a feeble body never having known the gladness of exuberant health may sing songs that will enliven and cheer yes and does sing them what should we do without her gentle loving presence whose frailty calls forth our tenderest affections and whose sweet face makes sunshine in the shadiest places I am sure that the boys are truly blessed by having a sister always at home to welcome them and that their best manliness is appealed to by her helplessness what this child is to me I cannot tell and yet if the skillful and kind gardener should house this delicate plant before frosts come should I dare to complain End of Chapter 24 Recording by Kalinda in Dover, New Hampshire on July 25th, 2007 Chapter 25 of Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kalinda Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 25 May 4th Miss Clifford came to lunch with us on Wednesday Her remarkable restoration to health has attracted a good deal of attention and has given Ernest a certain reputation which does not come amiss to him Not that he is ambitious a more unworldly man does not live but his extreme reserve and modesty have obscured the light that is now beginning to shine We all enjoyed Miss Clifford's visit She is one of the freshest, most original creatures I have ever met with and kept us all laughing with her quaint speeches long after every particle of lunch had disappeared from the table But this mobile nature turns to the serious side of life with marvelous ease and celerity as perhaps all sound ones ought to do I took her up to my room where my work basket was and Helen followed with hers I have brought something to read to you, dear Mrs. Elliot, Miss Clifford began the moment we had seated ourselves which I have just lighted on and I am sure you would like to see the panel in asking certain questions and a part of these questions with the replies I want to enjoy with you as they cover a big deal of the ground we have often discussed together One, how should I offer my purely indifferent actions to God walks, visits made and received dress, little proprieties such as washing the hands, etc the reading of books of history business with which I am charged for my friends, other amusements such as shopping, having clothes made to have some sort of prayer or method of offering each of these things to God reply the most indifferent actions cease to be such and become good as soon as one performs them with the intention of conforming oneself in them to the will of God they are often better and purer than certain actions which appear more virtuous first because they are less of our own choice and more in the order of providence when one is obliged to perform them second because they are simpler and less exposed to vain complacence third because if one yields to them with moderation one finds in them more of death to one's inclinations than in certain acts of fervor in which self-love mingles finally because these little occasions occur more frequently and furnish a secret occasion for continually making every moment profitable it is not necessary to make great efforts nor acts of great reflection in order to offer what are called indifferent actions it is enough to lift the soul one instant to God to make a simple offering of it everything which God wishes us to do and which enters into the course of occupation suitable to our position can and ought to be offered to God nothing is unworthy of him but sin when you feel that an action cannot be offered to God conclude that it does not become a Christian it is at least necessary to suspect it and seek light concerning it I would not have a special prayer for each of these the elevation of the heart at the moment suffices as for visits commissions and the like as there is a danger of following one's own taste too much I would add to this elevating of the heart a prayer to moderate myself and use precaution in prayer I cannot fix my mind or I have intervals of time when it is elsewhere and it is often distracted for a long time before I perceive it I want to find some means of becoming its master reply fidelity in following the rules that have been to you and in recalling your mind every time you perceive its distraction will gradually give you the grace of being more recollected meanwhile bear your involuntary distractions with patience and humility you deserve nothing better is it surprising that recollection is difficult to a man so long dissipated and far from God 3 I wish to know if it is best to record on my tablets the faults and the sins I have committed in order not to run the risk of forgetting them I have committed myself to repentance for my faults as much as I can but I have never felt any real grief on account of them when I examine myself at night I see persons far more perfect than I complain of more sin as for me I seek I find nothing and yet it is impossible there should not be many points on which to implore pardon every day of my life reply you should examine yourself every night but simply and briefly in the disposition to which God has brought you this considerable fault without remembering and reproaching yourself for it as so little faults, scarcely perceived even if you sometimes forget them this need not make you uneasy as to lively grief on account of your sins it is not necessary God gives it when it pleases him true and essential conversion of the heart consists in a full will to sacrifice all to God what I call full will is a fixed immovable disposition of the will to resume none of the voluntary evictions may alter the purity of the love to God and to abandon itself to all the crosses which it will perhaps be necessary to bear in order to accomplish the will of God always and in all things as to sorrow for sin when one has it one ought to return thanks for it when one perceives it to be wanting one should humble oneself peacefully before God without trying to excite it by vain efforts you find in your self examination fewer faults than persons more advanced and more perfect to fulfill evil it will increase and the view of your own fidelities will increase in proportion it suffices without making yourself uneasy to try to be faithful to the degree of light you possess and to instruct yourself by reading and meditation it will not do to try to forestall the grace that belongs to a more advanced period it would only serve to trouble and discourage you and even to exhaust you by continual anxiety the time it should be spent in loving God would be given to force returns upon yourself and certainly nourish self love 4 in my prayers my mind has difficulty in finding anything to say to God my heart is not in it or it is inaccessible to the thoughts of my mind reply it is not necessary to say much to God often times one does not speak much to a friend whom one is delighted to see one looks at him with pleasure one speaks certain short words to him which are mere expressions of feeling the mind has no part in them or next to none one is repeating the same words it is not so much a variety of thoughts that one seeks an intercourse with a friend as a certain repose and correspondence of heart it is thus we are with God who does not disdain to be our tenderest most cordial, most familiar, most intimate friend a word, a sigh, a sentiment says all to God it is not always necessary to have transports of sensible tenderness a will, all naked and dry without life, without vivacity, without pleasure is often purist in the sight of God in fine it is necessary to content oneself with giving to him what he gives it to give a fervent heart when it is fervent a heart firm and faithful in its aridity when he deprives it of a sensible fervor it does not always depend on you to feel but it is necessary to wish to feel leave it to God to choose to make you feel sometimes in order to sustain your weakness and infancy in Christian life sometimes weaning you from that sweet and consoling sentiment is the milk of babes in order to humble you to make you grow and to make you robust in the violent exercise of faith by causing you to sweat the bread of the strong in the sweat of your brow would you only love God according as he will make you take pleasure in loving him you would be loving your own tenderness and feeling fancying that you were loving God even while receiving sensible gifts prepare yourself by pure faith for the time when you might be deprived of them and you will suddenly succumb if you would only want such support don't forget to speak of some practices which may at the beginning facilitate the remembrance of the offering one ought to make to God of all the ordinary acts of the day one form the resolution to do so every morning and call yourself to account in your self examination at night two make no resolutions but for good reasons either from propriety or the necessity of relaxing the mind etc thus in a custom in oneself to retrench one accustomed oneself to offer what is not proper to curtail three renew oneself in this disposition whenever one is alone in order to be better prepared to recollect it when in company four whenever one surprises oneself in too great dissipation or in speaking too freely of his neighbor let him collect himself and offer to God all the rest of the conversation five to flee with confidence to God to act according to his will or engages in some occupation which may cause one to fall into temptation the sight of danger ought to warn of the need there is to lift the heart toward him by one who may be preserved from it we both thanked her as she begged her to lend me the volume that I might make the above copy I hope I have gained some valuable hints from this letter and that I shall see more plainly than ever that it is a religion of principle that God wants from us not one of mere feeling Helen remarked that she was most struck by the assertion that one cannot forestall the graces that belong to a more advanced period she said she had assumed that she ought to experience all that the most mature Christian did and that it rested her to think of God as doing this work for her making repentance for instance a free gift not a conquest to be wonderful oneself Miss Clifford said that the whole idea of giving oneself to God in such little daily acts as visiting shopping and the like was entirely new to her but fancy she went on her beautiful face lighted up with enthusiasm but a blessed life that must be when the base things of this world and things that are despised are so many links to the invisible world and to the things God has chosen in other words I said the top of the letter that rests on earth reaches to heaven and we may ascend it as the angels did in Jacob's dream and descend too as they did Helen put in despondently now you shall not speak in that tone cried Miss Clifford let us look at the bright side of life and believe that God means us to be always ascending always getting nearer to himself always learning something new about him always loving him better and better to be sure our souls are sick and of themselves can't keep ever on the wing but I have had some delightful thoughts of late from just hearing the title of a book God's method with the maladies of the soul it gives one such a conception of the seeming ills of life to think of him as our position the ills of all remedies the deprivations only a wholesome regimen the losses all gains why as I study this individual case and that see how patiently and persistently he tries now this remedy now that and how infallibly he cures the souls that submit to his remedies I love him so I am so astonished that we are restive under his unerring hand think how he dealt with me my soul was sick unto death sick with worldliness and self pleasing and folly there was only one way of making me listen to reason and that was just the way he took he snatched me right out of the world he brought me up in one room crippled helpless and alone and sent me to thinking thinking thinking till I saw the emptiness and shallowness of all in which I had hitherto been involved and then he sent you and your mother to show me the reality of life and to reveal to me my invisible unknown physician can I love him with half my heart can I be asking questions as to how much I am to pay towards the debt I owe him by this time Helen's work had fallen from her hands and tears were in her eyes she said softly for what you have said you have interpreted life to me you have given me a new conception of my God and Savior Miss Clifford seemed quenched and humbled by these words her enthusiasm faded away and she looked at Helen with a depreciatory air as she replied don't say that I never felt so unfit for anything but to sit at the feet of Christ's disciples and learn of them yet I so many years one of those disciples had been sitting at her feet and had learned of her never had I so realized the magnitude of the work to be done in this world nor the power and goodness of him who was undertaken to do it all I was glad to be alone to walk my room singing praises to him for every instant in which as my physician he had disappointed my hope and had defeated my joys and given me to drink of the cup of sorrow and bereavement May 24th I read to Ernest the extract from Fennelin which has made such an impression on me every businessman in short every man leading an active life ought to read that he said we should have a new order of things as the result instead of fancying that our ordinary daily work was one thing and our religion quite another thing we should transmute our drudgery into acts of worship instead of going to prayer meetings to get into a good frame we should live in a good frame from morning till night from night till morning and prayer and praise would be only another form of expressing the love and faith and obedience we had been exercising amid the pressure of business I understood this years ago I said I have made prayer too much of a luxury and have often inwardly chafed and fretted when the care of my children at times made it utterly impossible to leave them for private devotion when they have been sick for instance or in other like emergencies I reason this way here is a special demand on my patients and I am naturally impatient I must have time to go away and entreat the Lord to equip me for this conflict but I see now that the simple act of adolescent support with John would have united me more fully to Christ than the highest enjoyment of his presence in prayer could yes every act of obedience is an act of worship he said but why don't we learn that sooner why do we waste our lives before we learn how to live I am not sure he returned that we do not learn as fast as we are willing to learn God does not force instruction upon us but when we say as Luther did more light Lord more light the light comes I questioned myself after he had gone as to whether this could be true of me is there not in my heart some secret reluctance to know the truth lest that knowledge should call to a higher and holier life than I have yet lived June 2nd I went to see Mrs. Campbell a few days ago and found to my great joy that Helen had just been there and that they had had an earnest conversation together Mrs. Campbell failed a good deal of late and it is not probable we shall have her with us much longer her every look and word is precious to me when I think of her as one who is so soon to enter the unseen world and see our savior and be welcomed home by him if it is so delightful to be with those who are on the way to heaven what would it be to have fellowship with one who would come thence and could tell us what it is she spoke freely about death and said earnest a promise to take charge of her funeral and to see that she was buried by the side of her husband you've seen my dear she added with a smile though I am expecting to be so soon a saint in heaven I am a human being still with human weaknesses what can it really matter where this weary old body is laid away when I have done with it and gone and left it forever and yet I am leaving directions about its disposal I said I was glad that she was still human but that I did not think it a weakness to take thought for the abode in which her soul had dwelt so long I saw that she was tired and was coming away but she held me and would not let me go yes I am tired she said but what of that it is only a question of days now and all my tired feelings will be over then I shall be as young and fresh as ever and shall have strength to praise and to love God as I cannot do now but before I go I want once more to tell you how good he is how blessed it is to suffer with him how infinitely happy he has made me in the very hottest heat of the furnace that will strengthen you in your trials to recall this my dying testimony there is no wilderness so dreary but that his love can illuminate it no desolation so desolate what I am saying it is no delusion I believe that the highest purest happiness is known only to those who have learned Christ in sick rooms in poverty in racking suspense and anxiety amid hardships and at the open grave yes the radiant face worn by sickness and suffering radiant stills said in language yet more unspeakably impressive to learn Christ that is life I came into the busy and noisy streets as one descending from the mount and on reaching home found my darling Una very ill in Ernest's arms she had fallen and injured her head how I had prayed that God would temper the wind to this shorn lamb and now she had had such a fall we watched over her till far into the night scarcely speaking to each other but I know by the way in which Ernest held my hand clasped in his that her precious life was in danger he consented at last to lie down but Helen stayed with me what a night it was God only knows what the human heart can experience in a space of time that men call hours I went over all the past history of the child recalling all her sweet looks and words and my own secret repining at the delicate health that cut her off from so many of the pleasures that belong to her age and the more I thought the more I clung to her on whom frail as she is I was beginning to lean and was influenced in our home I could not think of losing without a shutter alas my faith seemed for a time to flee and I see just what a more weak human being is without it but before daylight crept into my room light from on high streamed into my heart and I gave even this my you lamb away as my free will offering to God could I refuse him my child because she was the very apple of my eye nay then but let me give to him not what I value least but what I prize and delight in most could I not endure heart sickness for him who was given his only son for me and just as I got to that sweet consent to suffer he who had only lifted the rod to try my faith laid it down my darling opened her eyes and looked at us intelligently and with her own loving smile but I dared not snatch her and press her to my heart for her sake I must be outwardly calm at least June 6th I am at home with my precious Oona all the rest having gone to church she lies peacefully on the bed sadly disfigured for the time but Ernest said he apprehends no danger now and we are a most happy a most thankful household the children have all been greatly moved by the events of the last few days and hover about their sister with great sympathy and tenderness where she fell from or how she fell no one knows she remembers nothing about it herself and it will always remain a mystery this is the second time that this beloved child has been returned to us after we had given her away to God and as the giving cost us tenfold more now than it did when she was a feeble baby so we receive her as a fresh gift from our loving father's hand with tenfold delight now we have no excuse for not giving ourselves entirely to him he has revealed himself to us in so many sorrows and in so many joys revealed himself as he doth not unto the world end of chapter 25 recording by Kalinda in Dover New Hampshire on July 25th 2007 chapter 26 stepping heavenward this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information all to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org this reading by Lucy Burgoyne stepping heavenward by E. Prentice chapter 26 May 13 this has been a Sunday to be held in long remembrance we were summoned early this morning to Mrs. Campbell and have seen her joyful release from the fetters that have bound her long her loss to me is irreparable but I truly thank God that one more tired traveller had a sweet welcome home I can minister no longer to her bodily wants and listen to her councils no more but she has entered as an inspiration into my life and through all eternity I shall bless God that he gave me that faithful praying friend how little they know who languish in what seems use the sick rooms or amid the restrictions of frail health what work they do for Christ by the power of saintly living and by even fragmentary prayers before her words paid out of my memory right down from hasty notes made at the time her answer to some of the last questions I asked her on earth she had always enjoyed intervals of comparative ease and it was in one of these that I asked her what she conceived to be the characteristics of an advanced state of grace she replied I think that the mature Christian is always at all times and in all circumstances what he was in his best moments in the progressive stages of his life there were seasons all along his course when he loved God supremely when he embraced the cross joyfully and penitently when he held the intimate communion with Christ and loved his neighbour as himself but he was always in terror lest under the force of temptation all this should give place to deadness and dullness when he should chafe and rebel in the hour of trial and judge his fellow man with a harsh and bitter judgment and give way to angry passionate emotions but these fluctuations cease after a time to disturb his peace love to Christ becomes the abiding in most principle of his life he loves him rather for what he is than for what he has done or will do for him individually and God's honour becomes so dear to him that he feels personally wounded when that is called in question and the will of God becomes so dear to him that he loves it best when at triumphs at his cost once he only prayed at set times and seasons and idolised good frames now he prays without ceasing and whether on the mount or down in the depths depends wholly upon his saviour his old self-confidence has now given place to a child like humility that will not let him take a step alone and the sweet peace that is now habitual to him combined with the sense of his own imperfections fills him with love too his fellow man he hears and believes and hopes and endures all things and thinketh no evil the tones of his voice the very expression of his countenance become changed love now controlling where human passions held sway in short he is not only a new creature in Jesus Christ but the habitual and blessed consciousness that this is so these words were spoken deliberately and with reflection you have described my mother just as she was from the moment her only son the last of six was taken from her I said at last I never quite understood how that final sorrow wind her so to say from herself and made her life all love to God and all love to man now dear Mrs. Campbell pray for me that I may yet wear her mantle she smiled with a significance that said she had already done so and then we parted parted that she might end her pilgrimage and go to her rest parted that I might pursue mine I know not how long nor amid how many cares and sorrows nor with what weariness I wanted to meet again in the presence of him we love with those who have come out of great tribulation whose robes have been made white in the blood of the lamb and who are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple to hunger no more neither thirst any more for the lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall lead them into living waters and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes May 25 we were talking of Mrs. Campbell and of her blessed life and blessed death Helen said it discouraged and troubled her to see and hear such things the last time I saw her when she was able to converse said she I told her that when I reflected on my want a submission to God's I doubted whether I really could be his child she said in her gentle sweet way would you venture to resist his will if you could would you really have your dear James back again in this world if you could I would I certainly would I said she returned I sometimes find it a help when dull and cramped in my devotions to say to myself suppose Christ should now appear before you and you could see him as he appeared to his disciples on earth what would you say to him this brings him near and I say what I would say if he were visibly present I do the same when a new sorrow threatens me I imagine my redeemer is coming personally to say to me for your sake I am a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief now for my sake give me this child bear this burden submit to this loss can I refuse him now dear he has really come must to you and ask you to show your love to him your faith in him by giving him the most precious of your treasures if he were here at this moment and offered to restore it to you would you dare to say ye Lord I know far better than their dust what is good for him and good for me I will have him return to me cost what it may in this world of uncertainties and disappointments I shall be sure of happiness in his society and he will enjoy more here on earth with me than he could enjoy in the companionship of saints and angels and of the Lord himself in heaven could you dare to say this oh Katie what straits she drove me into no I could not dare to say that then my darling little sister I cried you will give up this struggle you will let God do what he will with his own I have to let him she replied that I submit because I must I looked at her gentle pure face as she uttered these words and could only marvel at the will that had no expression there tell me she said do you think a real Christian can feel as I do for my part I doubt it I doubt everything doubt everything that Christ I said suppose for argument's sake you are not a Christian you can become one now the colour rose in her lovely face she clasped her hands in a sort of ecstasy yes she said I can at last God had sent her the word she wanted May 28 Helen came to breakfast this morning in a simple white dress I had not time to tell the children not to allude to it so they began in chorus why aunt Helen you were put on a white dress why auntie how queer you look hooray if she don't look like other folks she bore it all with a usual gentleness or rather with a positive sweetness that captivated them as her negative patients had never done I said nothing to her nor did she to me too late in the day when she came to me and said Katie God taught you what to say all these years I had been tormenting myself with doubts as to whether I could be his child while so unable to say thy will be done if you had said why yes you must be his child for you professed yourself one a long time ago and ever since have looked like one I should have remained as wretched as ever as it was a mountain has been rolled off my heart yes if I was not his child yesterday I can become one today if I did not love him then I can begin now I do not doubt that she was his child yesterday and last year and years ago but let her think what she pleases a new life is opening before her I believe it is to be a life of entire devotion to God and that out of her sorrow there shall spring up a wondrous joy September 2 Sweet Briar Farm Ernest spent Sunday with us and I have just driven him to the station and seen him safely off things have prospered with us to such a degree that he has been extravagant enough to give me the use for the summer of a bonny little nag and an antiquated vehicle and I have learned to drive to be sure I broke one of the shafts of the poor old thing the first time I ventured forth alone and the other day nearly upset my cargo of children in a pond where I was silly enough to undertake to water my horse but Ernest as usual had patience with me and begged me to spend as much time as possible in driving about with the children it is a new experience and I enjoy it quite as much as he hoped I should Helen is not with us she has spent the whole summer with Martha for Martha, poor thing is suffering terribly from rheumatism and is almost entirely helpless I am so sorry for her after so many years of vigorous health how hard it must be to endure this pain with this drawback we have had a delightful summer not one sick day with no baby to keep me awake I sleep straight through as Raymond says and wake in the morning refreshed and cheerful we shall have to go home soon how cruel it seems to bring up children in a great city yet what can be done about it wherever there are men and women there must be children what a howling wilderness would be without them the only drawback on my felicity is the separation from Ernest which becomes more painful every year to us both God has blessed our married life it has had its waves and its billows but thanks unto him it has at last settled down into a calm sea of untroubled peace while I was secretly braiding my dear husband for giving so attention to his profession as to neglect me and my children he was becoming every day more the ideal of a physician cool calm thoughtful studious ready to sacrifice his life at any moment in the interests of humanity how often I have mistaken his preoccupied air prince how many times I have inwardly accused him of coldness when his whole heart and soul were filled with the grave problem of life ah and of death likewise but we understand each other now and I am sure that God dealt wisely and kindly with us when he brought together two such opposite natures my vehement nature could have born with me as earnest has done and if he had married a woman as calm as undemonstrative as himself what a strange home he would have been for the nurture of little children but the heart was in him and only wanted to be waked up and my life has called forth music from his ah there are no partings and meetings now that leave discords in the remembrance no neglected birthdays no forgotten courtesies it is beautiful to see the thoughtful brow relax in presence of wife and children and to know that ours is at last the happy home I so long side for is the change all in earnest is it not possible that I have grown more reasonable less childish and aggravating we are at a farmhouse everything is plain but neat and nice I asked Mrs Brown our hostess the other day if she did not envy me my four little pets she smiled said they were the best children she ever saw and that it was well to have a family if you have means to start them in the world for her part she lived from hand to mouth as it was and were sure she could never stand the worry and care at the house full of young ones but the worry and care is only half the story I said the other half is pure joy and delight perhaps so to people that are well to do she replied but to poor folks driven to death as we are it's another thing I was telling him yesterday what a mercy it was there wasn't any young ones round under my feet and I could take city borders and help work off the mortgage on the farm and what did your husband say to that well he said we were young and hearty and there was no such tearing hurry about the mortgage and that he'd give his right hand to have a couple of boys like yours why I said supposing we had a couple of boys they wouldn't be like yours dressed to look genteel and to have their gentile ways but appear a wild cult into everything tearing their clothes off their backs and wasting faster than we could earn he said twas them the clothes twas them the flesh and blood he wanted and twas them and I used to argue about it a man that hadn't got any children wasn't more than half a man well says I supposing you had a pack of them what have you got to give them just exactly what my father and mother gave me says he two hands to earn their bread with and a welcome you could have heard from Dan to Bathsheba I like to hear that I hope many such welcomes will resound in this house suppose money does come in while little goes out suppose you get possession of the whole farm what then who will enjoy it with you who will you leave it to when you die and in your old age who will care for you you seem awful earnest she said yes I am in earnest I want to see little children adorning every home as flowers adorn every meadow and every wayside I want to see them welcome to the home they enter to see their parents grow less and less selfish and more and more loving because they have come I want to see God's precious gifts accepted not frowned upon and refused Mr. Brown came in so I could say no more but my heart warmed towards him as I looked at his frank good human face and I should have been glad to give him the right hand of fellowship as it was I could only say a word or two about the beauty of his farm and the scenery of his whole region yes he said gratified that I appreciated his fields and grows it is a tormented pretty laying farm part of it was her father's and part of it was my father's there ain't another like it in the country as to the scenery I don't know as I ever looked at it city folks talk a good deal about it but they've nothing to do but look round Walter came trotting in on two bare white feet and with his shoes in his hand he had had his nap felt as bright and fresh as he looked rosy and I did not wonder at Mr. Brown's catching him up and clasping his sunburned arms about the little fellow and pressing him against the warm heart that yearn for nestlings of its own September 23 home again and the full of the thousand cares that follow the summer and see the winter but let mothers and wives spread as they will they enjoy these labors of love and would feel lost without them for what amount of leisure ease and comfort would I exchange husband and children and this busy home Martha is better and how long has come back to us I don't know how we have lived without her so long her life seems necessary to the completion of every one of ours some others have fancied it necessary to the completion of theirs but she has not agreed with them we are glad enough to keep her and yet I hope the day will come when she so worthy of it will taste the sweet joys of wifehood and motherhood January 1, 1853 it is not always so easy to practice as it is to preach I can see in my wisdom 40 reasons for having four children and no more the comfort of sleeping in peace of having a little time to read and to keep on with my music strength with which to look after earnest poor people when they are sick and to tell the truth strength to be bright and fresh and lovable to him all these little joys have been growing very precious to me and now I must give them up I want to do it cheerfully and without a crown but I find I love to have my own way and that at the very moment I was asking God to appoint my work for me I was secretly marking it out for myself it is mortifying to find my will less in harmony with his than I thought it was and that I want to prescribe to him how I shall spend the time and the health and the strength which are his not mine but I will not rest until this struggle is over till I can say with a smile not my will not my will but thine he is families on earth and I love to each other earnest and mine though not perfect nothing on earth is has grown less selfish more Christian like it has been sanctified by prayer and by the sorrows we have born together then the children have been well and happy and the source of almost unmitigated joy and comfort the presence in this home her sisterly affection her patience with the children and her influence over them is a benediction for which I cannot be thankful enough how delightful it is to have a sister I think it is not often the case that own sisters have such perfect Christian sympathy with each other as we have ever since the day she ceased to torment herself with the fear that she was not a child of God and laid aside the somber garments she had worn so long she has had a peace that has hardly known a cloud she says in a note written me about the time I want you to know my darling sister that the despondency that made my affliction so hard to bear fled before those words as I have already told you God taught you to speak I do not know whether I was really his child at the time or not I had certainly had an experience very different from yours prayer had never been much more to me than a duty and I had never felt the sweetness of that harmony between God and I the human soul that I now know can take away all the bitterness from the cup of sorrow I knew who can help knowing it that reads God's word that he required submission from his children and that his children gave it no matter what it cost the Bible is full of beautiful expressions of it so are our hymns so are the written lives of all good men and good women I have seen it in you my dear Katie at the very moment you were accusing yourself of the want of it entire oneness of the will with the divine will seemed to me to be the law and the gospel of the Christian life and this evidence of a renewed nature I found wanting in myself at any moment during the three years following James's death I would have snatched away from God if I could I was miserably lonely and desolate without him not merely because he had been so much to me that because his loss revealed to me the distance between Christ and my soul all I could do was to go on praying year after year in a dreary hopeless way that I might learn to say as David did not my mouth because they'll ditched it when you suggested that instead of trying to figure out whether I had loved God I should begin to love him now light break in upon my soul I gave myself to him that instant and as soon as I could get away by myself I fell upon my knees and gave myself up to the sense of his sovereignty for the first time in my life then too I looked at my light affliction and at the weight of glory side by side and thanked him that through the one he had revealed to me the other Katie I know the human heart is deceitful above all things that I think it would be a dishonour to God to doubt that he then revealed himself to me not to the world and that the sweet peace I then found in yielding to him will be more or less mine so long as I live oh if all the sufferers could learn what I have learned that every broken heart could be healed as mine has been healed my precious sister cannot we make this one part of our mission on earth to pray for every soul and whenever we have influence over such to lead it to honour God by instant obedience to his will whatever that may be I have dishonoured him by years of rebellious carefully nursed sorrow I want to honour him now by years of resignation and grateful joy reading this letter over in my present mood has done me good more beautiful faith in God than how long I have never seen let me have it too may this prayer which under the inspiration of the moment I can offer without a misgiving become the habitual deep-seated desire of my soul bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ take what I cannot give my heart body thoughts time abilities money health strength nights days youth age and spend them in thy service O my crucified master redeemer God I desire in comparison of thee my heart is the first for God when shall I come and appear before God end of chapter 26