 And we are going to answer your questions. So let me clarify that only Dr. Massimo Jaffa is going to answer in regards to American life. Before we move on, we would also like to thank everyone who was with us in this journey, as a sponsor of the Clips, as a listener, everyone who shared these wonderful teachings of Adelaide with their family and friends. So I'd like to thank them all and even those who have sent their questions for this session. So Salam Alaikum Dr. Massimo Jaffa, how are you? Alaikum Salam, Alhamdulillah. Thank you. How about yourself? Alhamdulillah. Do you wish to move on directly to the questions or do you wish to like share a few words before we jump towards the question? No, let's start with the questions, Bismillah. Let's start with the questions. Because yes, we have like somewhere around 15 questions and a limited amount of time. So directly jumping to the first question, which is in regards to a girl who has sent us this question that she has reached an age of 30 plus and she has been not now still married. And there are a number of reasons for the rejections that she has seen so far. They are related to race, they are related to weight. So what are the stomach vitamins for such a lady who is not able to get married? Are there any guidelines on the Quran? Or is there any solution that is shared to us by our relatives? Alhamdulillah. First and foremost, I think it's important to recognize that marriage is not a wajabat. It is a very, very highly recommended mustabat. We have a hadith from the Holy Prophet which says that those who do not marry are not from him. Those who abstain from marriage and that is from their own free will, free choice. So it's not in regards to those who are wanting to get married, who are trying to get married and who end up not getting married. So that's the first thing. I think it's very important to recognize that my identity as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, are all superficial identities which I take on the roles that I take on for this world's purpose. My true identity is as the slave of Allah. And if I continue to be the slave of Allah, it doesn't matter which role I'm playing. I can still be successful in this world, in this life. Okay, so the idea is what I'm trying to get at is that I should make all efforts to try to get married because that is the son of the Holy Prophet. But know at the same time that Allah is the planner and Allah is watching and whatever happens in my life, as long as I am sticking to my true identity of being the slave of Allah, then whether I get married or not, I am still successful as the slave of Allah. And he has chosen for me not to play the role of a wife, but maybe has another plan, a different plan for me to show my servitude to him. So that's really, really important. So I think there is nothing lacking in you if you do not get married because you haven't been able to. Not out of free choice, but you just haven't been able to. So that's the first thing. The second thing which obviously is not relevant as much to this person who's written the question but is relevant to all of us is to recognize that the other son of the Prophet is to get married when we're young. So it is something that we should be as an Oma trying to do. And that's not on the people who want to get married, but more on us trying to facilitate the marriage for the youngsters. It's really, really important that one as parents we bring up our children so that they are ready for marriage at an earlier age because physically they will be ready. So chemically, hormonially they will be ready, but mentally they may not be ready and that's our duty as parents to make sure that they are ready much, much earlier. Secondly, to actually facilitate their marriage to help them to get married early, and then to support them in that marriage because initially when they're young they will need support they will need support financially they may need support emotionally. They may still be studying so again as a parent it is my duty to ensure that I'm supporting not only my children but my children in law as well in the pursuit of their education after they've got married. So that's really, really important as well. So this girl is specifically asking is, how do what does she do now. You know she hasn't been able to get married. There are lots and lots of things that that may be against us so for example, you know her age is a huge thing within I think all communities you know when you pass a certain marriageable age, then it's very difficult, especially as a woman to get married. And what I suggest is, you need to get yourself out there. And that doesn't mean get yourself out there and sort of, you know just show off or anything it's more about ensuring obviously now, you know, as we're coming out of the COVID pandemic inshallah, slowly slowly as the mosques open to ensure that I'm, you know, I'm participating in a community where people can see me. It's usually the mothers who will direct their sons towards specific women, you know, specific girls and things so making sure that the mothers are seeing me that the, you know, sisters are seeing me, ensuring that I'm getting involved in committees and volunteering and youth activities, you know, whatever is that actually just making sure that I'm, I'm seeing I'm being known. So people are actually seeing me not just on a physical sense but knowing getting to know me as a person as well. And that way then, if there are certain things that may be hindering them like maybe you know I may be a little bit overweight or I may not be as beautiful as other people or anything like that. They will see the more depth in me and hopefully take that on board inshallah. Does that make sense. So during this time, like, for example, of course, there was one part which is to make yourself active in regards to not limit yourself just because that you are not married, but make sure that you are active as a person as well and active for the sake of being known to the circle of marriage. So that's one part. Are there any other guidelines, for example, say during this time when there is a need for companion chair, there is a need for intimacy. How does, for example, say it may be, you may make sure that they are going smoothly through this, through this rough patch of their life till the time that they are able to find someone or till the time there is someone in their life. Are there any guidelines for that phase. It's remembering what my identity is. I think if I focus on my identity to be a wife, and I don't achieve that, then I will feel a failure in my life. And that's really, really difficult to cope with. So it's recognizing that I'm the slave of Allah and also recognizing that he is in control. Although innately I want to get married, of course I do. God's put that in me into all human beings innately I want to become a mother again that's in me. So I will try whatever I can in order to get to that stage where I shall I will get married. But if Allah chooses for me not to have a husband. For whatever reason I do not get married, then also know that no matter how difficult it is. Allah will give me the strength to be able to handle it because he says in the Holy Quran that he does not test us with anything more than we can handle. So the fact that I, I've been put in this situation. Know that I have the tools to be able to handle it. I had, you know, God has given me whatever I require in order to be okay with not getting married no matter how difficult it is. Secondly, the more difficult it is, the more Allah is rewarding me and will compensate me in this world and in the next. So it's not a matter of okay let me give up this world for the next world. It's not like that God will compensate me in this world as well. I will see the rewards of my patience of my suburb of my pain that I am feeling in not getting what I want. So that's important as well. Thirdly, never to give up hope. No matter how old you are constantly keep striving for this but striving for it from a perspective that it is the Sunnah of the Prophet. So it's, yes, it is a need that I have. Yes, it is something I want, but I want to enter it with the intention that this is the Sunnah of the Prophet. So constantly keeping my near as pure as I can constantly striving for it because this is the Sunnah of the Prophet. And actually talking to the Holy Prophet and saying to him, you know, you're the one who's told me that I should get married. So help me facilitate this, you know, and tell Allah look you're the one who, you know, your Prophet is the one who said I should get married. You want me to get married. You put this innately in me to help me find me a way around this. Actually, sort of, you know, do I is so, so powerful praying for it asking others to pray for me as well. A lot of the times we feel ashamed to ask others to pray for us because we feel like, you know, if I tell them that then they'll know they already know you're not married. It's not a secret, you know, so I should just say to them, you know, when they say to you, why aren't you married? Just say, you know, pray for me. Yeah, Allah will send me something. Someone pray for me. So it's important to pray for yourself and ask others to pray for you. And the last thing I would say is manage your expectations. I think a lot of the times we expect too much from a spouse. You know, we, when we're looking for spouses, we have a huge wish list. Maybe manage those wish lists as well. That's equally important. Like at the end of the day, make yourself ready to at least settle for someone who has those basic pointers getting done, but then leaving out the rest and leaving it to Allah, in fact, to see how this journey all goes on. So moving to the next question, and it's a slightly pretty question, which says that there is an imbalance, which is of course growing between the ages of sexual maturity and the age which is considered the marriageable age by the society. In this case, where we are getting mature physically and sexually at an early age, but the actual maturity as well, which is required for marriage, or with just the maturity age, which is considered by the society for that marriage is different and the gap is growing. What should be done in such a situation? As I mentioned, it is must help to get married as early as possible. When you marry you secure half of your Dean, and then the other half you have to work on yourself. So it's important to ensure that we've secured the half before we start working on the other half. So, you know, the earlier we do that the better it is. A lot of times, culturally, a lot of the times the parents themselves feel that, no, you shouldn't get married, especially when it's a boy, you shouldn't get married till you can stand on your own two feet financially, till you're mature enough to take care of your spouse. You know, I don't agree. I feel like the Sunna is pushing us to get married early. I feel, as parents, we need to, as I said, ensure that we're bringing up our children in a way that they are emotionally ready for marriage at an earlier age than they are at the moment. I'm not saying get them married at 9, 10, 12. I'm talking about sort of, you know, in their sort of early 20s, you know, 18, 19, 20, sort of 21, 22. They should be, you know, ready for at least considering marriage, thinking about marriage, and that can only happen if, from a very early age, it's been talked about within the family. They've been given responsibilities. They know how to make decisions and choices. You know, we as parents need to teach our children and then step back to allow them to make choices and maybe make mistakes, which are not critical mistakes, which they will then learn from. So going forward, they can actually then know how to make the right choices. So I think as parents, we have a huge role, first and foremost, to prepare our children mentally for early marriages. Secondly, to prepare our children emotionally for early marriages. Thirdly, to support our children in early marriages, and that support comes in two ways. One is to facilitate early marriages. So actually, look for, you know, spouses for our children. Listen to our children. So when your son or your daughter comes and tells you, I think I'm ready for marriage, listen to them and actually hear them instead of saying, no, no, no, you know, you wait, it's like it's not, you're not ready, who's going to take you. You can actually hear them. The fact that for them to come and tell you that is a huge deal. They've not just said it off the top of, you know, just like that. They've actually thought about it and actually built up enough courage to come and tell you. So actually hear them and realize that they are actually asking for help here. So help facilitate the marriage and then during the marriage support them. Now that support can happen financially, that support can happen through advice, that support can happen through, you know, sort of letting them live with you, helping, you know, sort of taking care of them, you know, actually sort of taking off a lot of the burden of responsibility of them. So that they're able to then still continue with their education while they're, while they are married. And also, there's a fine balance between supporting them, advising them and controlling them. Interfering, yes, exactly. Yeah, so I think as parents, it's really, really, really difficult and I'm talking as a mother, it's very, very difficult not to overstep the boundary. And I think again, it's a conversation that you need to have with your child and their spouse. And as you say to them, you know what, just like this is a first for you. This is a first for me. I've never been a mother-in-law. I've been a mother. I don't know how to be a mother-in-law. And I may mess up. And I need you to be able to tell me, you know, Mom, you're actually sort of, you know, you're overstepping the mark. You know, let us be sort of thing and do it respectfully. You know, ask them to talk to you respectfully, have that dialogue open so you're able to talk to each other. In the end, as a mother, the only thing I really want is the happiness of my child. And if I know that this happiness is going to be a happiness that will be in happiness for eternity, that will be a happiness which will continue in the hereafter, why would I not facilitate that? And that's really, really important to recognize and ensure that I help with that. Another thing that I can do, again, which is very difficult as a parent to do, but it actually works really well, is to find someone for my child and have the nikah recited but not have the walima done. So they're in the engagement period, although there is no such thing as engagement in Islam. So they're legally Islamically married but they're not living together. That is the best of both worlds because then they have each other. They have, you know, that bond which is recognized by God, but they don't have the responsibilities in this world of marriage as such. A lot of people feel that you shouldn't have a long engagement period because then things may go wrong and then it breaks down. Things will go wrong throughout marriage and it's our duty to teach our children how to navigate when things go wrong. And this is why I said nikah not muthah because with muthah I think most people feel that it is a temporary thing which can be walked away from whenever there is a problem. Whereas nikah is more permanent. And I think if you have committed to someone, then why are you doing muthah? The only reason you're not getting married is because at the moment you don't feel you're ready for all the responsibilities, but you're committed to each other in the eyes of Allah. Then recite the nikah, show everyone that you're committed, including God that you're committed, and the blessing that comes from reciting that nikah is huge. And you're going into it knowing this is a lifetime commitment and you will learn to navigate all the problems that you have before you start living together, which again is a huge learning. There are a few questions which are more, they have a cultural orientation attached to them, but I will like present it then in front of you. Some of these questions which we have like in our observance, we talk for the law observation as well, are to a certain extent beyond the cultures which are mentioned in the question, but some are definitely out of the culture that is mentioned. So one of the questions is there that in the South Asian community like mine, wishing for a separate household or marriage is found about. So how do I keep a distance, but not keep a distance because I don't have a choice to keep a distance. So living together with your in-laws. Sorry, I didn't quite hear the question. Say that again. The question is in regards to like wishing to have a separate household, so that you can live with your spouse, but culturally it's not something which is positive to look at how to like manage this tricky situation. Okay. So there's no right or wrong. Whether you live with your in-laws or whether you don't, Islam doesn't say one way or another. It leads it up to you and the culture that you live in and your parents and yourselves to decide what is right for all of you. I think when the decision is before the marriage, when the decision is being made, or even before I start looking for a spouse, I need to know what my what I want and what my parents want. So I need to have that conversation with my parents and know exactly that, you know, what is it they're expecting? Are they expecting me to live with them? If that is the case and if I'm happy with that, then I need to make that very clear when I am talking to someone for marriage purposes. If it is something that I feel like, you know, initially I may have to live with my parents because we're young and we don't have enough money to move out later on. I want to move out and my parents are happy with that as well and I'm happy with that. And again, I need to make that very clear and actually put some sort of timeline in and try to stick to that timeline. Obviously, life does change and you may decide, okay, you know what, after a year I'm going to move out, but then the financial situation doesn't allow you to or something happens. And then that's a conversation you will have with your spouse, but initially I think it's really important for you to be very clear on what it is that you want, your parents want and make that clear to the person that you're talking to before you commit, not give them half answers, not make promises that you can't live up to, not make promises that you know then it's going to cause a problem later on. Okay, so that's really been important. I think it's really important also to recognize that every woman would want a house of her own. It is something that you know you want to put your stamp in your own house, you want to have that freedom and that chance to actually grow up. That's exactly, and I think it does make you grow up, even as a man to actually financially take care of your own house and your own family, it's important. So I think there's a lot of things that are positive, that are beneficial, that allow for growth when you live separately, but there are also lots of negatives. So for example, you don't have someone there to, you can have a free-for-all when you have an argument, you haven't got to worry about what other people will think or say. When you have children, you can't just leave them at home and go out because even in the middle of the night or something, every time you want to just go out to just get some groceries or something, there's lots of negatives as well as positives. In the same way when you're living within laws, there's lots of positives. There's a lot of advice that can come from it. There's a lot of just the fact that you have to watch what you say and keep your argument to the bedroom. It's actually a huge learning because when children come along, then you learn not to argue in front of the children because you've already learned not to argue in front of your parents in laws or in front of your parents. A lot of times, you know, there's arguments that happen in front of children really do damage children. So, you know, when you learn that art of keeping aside the argument and behaving in a, even if it's in a superficial act, it's important to do that. And then by that time when you're in the bedroom, you've had time to calm down. Your spouse has had time to calm down and then you can actually hopefully talk it through rather than just screaming at each other. The other positive is obviously you've, you know, you've got hopefully babysitters at hand. If not babysitters, at least, you know, once the kids are in bed, I'm sure no one would turn around and say, Yeah, exactly. There's a huge support system. So that's really, really important. And I think the advice that you get from elders from their experience, they may not have the secular academic degrees and things may be not, but they have lived life, the experience that they bring and the wisdom that they bring is huge. Also, there's lots of negatives. So there's a lot of maybe interference that might happen. There may be, you know, not enough time to have just alone time with my spouse. There's lots of positive and negatives on both sides. What's important to recognize is that Islam doesn't say one is right and the other is wrong. It literally leaves it up to you. And again, it goes back to whichever situation I find myself in. Once I have committed, then I need to work with that situation. And I need to take it back to myself. And whenever anything happens, rather than looking at, why did she do this? Or why did he do that? Or how did, you know, how did they say this? Let's look at it from the perspective of I can't change other people. The only person I can change is myself. So whenever anything happens, let me think about what is the growth in this for me? What is Allah trying to teach me in this situation? Because again, Allah is in control. If I have married this person in a halal way, then Allah has chosen for this person to be in my life, including his family, whether I'm living with them or not. So it's not as a, you know, a lot of people think that if you live away from your in-laws, then you don't have problems with in-laws. But you still have to meet with them. You still have to, you know, have dinners with them. You still have to spend time with them. So until you get your head around actually realizing that these in-laws are your family as well. And I'm talking to both the men and the women. It's not just that the women take on the boys' family. It's the man has to take on the girls' family as well. They are your family as well. And they have been put in your life for you to learn from, for you to grow from. So rather than looking at it as their problem, look at it as my problem. What can I learn from that situation? Why is what that person doing bugging me so much? There's something in me that I need to work on. And that's why I'm noticing this thing, this fault that I'm seeing in this person. I'm noticing that because I'm guaranteeing there's something in me that I need to work on. So focusing on myself because the only person I can truly change is myself. Sounds really good. And I hope that especially the young ones and especially the couples who are living in the 25th system or who are from communities with very close relationship with the in-laws are encouraged. They can learn from this and improve their lives, which is at the end of the day in the name of this entire session, entire series that we all can improve our lives for in-laws. One more question. I think, sorry, before you go into the next question, just one thing. I think a lot of what I'm saying obviously makes a lot of sense because it's from Islam. But recognizing that it's not easy. And you know what? Growth isn't easy. To sit in my comfort zone, to have things play out the way I want is easy, but that's not what life is about. If I truly want heaven for eternity, if I truly want Jannah, then I need to grow and growth is painful. It's always painful. It's always coming out of my comfort zone. So yes, it will be difficult. Yes, it may be painful. But it's one small step at a time. And you know what? Sometimes I'll mess up and I'll feel like I'm not getting anywhere. But it's again, just thinking to myself, I need to keep working on myself. I need to better myself. I need to ensure that I am doing what Allah wants from me. It's really important to recognize that and just keep trying and just keep trying and know that it's difficult. I think a lot of the times we feel like when it's difficult, we want to give up. Life shouldn't be this difficult. Life is supposed to be fun. No, it's not supposed to be fun. We told you it's supposed to be fun. It's about growth. Life is about growth. It can be fun and it can be difficult. There will be times when you will be happy and there will be times that you're sad. Allah Himself says in the holy Quran that He will make us laugh and He will make us cry. So there's nothing wrong with that. But if I do it in this way, no matter how difficult it is, I will always be content because I have linked it to Allah. And if I'm connected to Allah, then that contentment never goes away. In the same way, when you look at Imam Sainal-e-Islam's event of Karbala, who says that was easy? We all cry for him. We all realize how difficult it was, but we don't actually take the lesson away from it. If you look at Imam Sainal-e-Islam, he did cry. He was upset. Of course he was, but he never lost that contentment. He was never at that point of desperation. He was never depressed. He never thought, you know, what's it all for? Life's not fair. You know, all the things that we hear all the time, life's not fair. This isn't fun. What's this all for? Why me? It was never like, it was about the greater picture. I have to go through this. And as long as I can keep my attachment to Allah, as long as I can do what He expects from me, then I know there is greater things there for me in this world and in the hereafter. So it's understanding, yes, it is difficult. And, you know, please, please, please, when I'm talking, don't switch off and think, oh yeah, it's easy for her to say, you know, no, it's not. We're all going through the same thing. No one's marriage is 100% amazing. And no one's, you know, it's a work in progress. You're constantly working on it. And it is difficult. But that's what life's about. And there is no harm in not having a 100% perfect marriage. This too is really important to understand that your marriage can be at 70% or 80% and you should be like able to cherish the 70% or 80% instead of directly aiming for 100% being upset for not having the 20% that is missing you. I don't think you can have 100% marriage unless you are two masooms like Imam Ali al-Islam and Bibi Fatima al-Islam. Then you can have 100% marriage. Your marriage was like, it had external factors. Yes, but between them, the marriage was solid. And I think that's because they were masooms and they knew exactly, you know, when you have non-masoom with imperfection, I mean, you think about it, two human beings brought up in from two different families, even if it's the same culture, there is still different ways of thinking that you bring all that baggage into your marriage, the way you were brought up, the way you think, everything that you went through in your childhood, be it through your parents, be it through your peers, be it through other external factors, you bring that into your marriage. And you have your own biases and your own prejudice and you bring all of that into the marriage and of course there are going to be clashes. And what we need to ensure is to, if the ego is broken, then the clashes are less. And when there are clashes, they're not clashes, they're discussions and they're discussions which will allow growth. I honestly truly believe that Allah SWT could have made marriage so much easier. So much easier. He could have made men and women so much closer to each other in the way that they think and in the way that we feel, the fact that men and women are made so different. There's a purpose behind that. There's a wisdom behind that because what it allows me to do is allows me to see a perspective which I can't ever see as a woman because it's coming from a totally different gender. So it allows me to put aside my ego to actually see a different perspective. It allows me to try to find balance in my life. Honestly, if you talk to anyone who's married, who has entered into marriage in a halal way, where God has brought you two together, they will tell you that all the things that they do not like about their spouse are the things that they need to work on on themselves. For example, if you have someone who is so laid back and they're not bothered about cleanliness and putting everything in its right place and making sure everything is prim and proper, guaranteed they will marry someone who is OCDD about cleanliness. And they will be so over the top with making sure everything's clean because it's not supposed to be one way or another. It's supposed to be about a balance. Islam is about a balance. And so you both compromise and meet in the middle and that's what it's meant to be about. But if you've got someone who is very, very much an extrovert, guaranteed that, you know, God will sort of match them up with someone who's very much an introvert. Again, to bring that balance, because it's all about balance, but that can only happen if you are able to break your ego. And when you're breaking your ego, it has to be for the sake of Allah. And if you break your ego for your spouse, then either your spouse can actually abuse that and humiliate you and break you and actually, you know, totally, totally break your confidence. If you break your ego for your spouse, then the expectation you will have from your spouse will be so high that they will never be able to fulfill that expectation, because you will think that I've done so much for you why you're not doing that much for me. Okay. Whereas, if you break your ego for God, then God will ensure that you will reach such heights. And the whole concept of this world is for us to break our ego and become the slaves of Allah, not just his service, but his slaves. It's about literally allowing myself to break my ego to become a slave. And in that way, then I will reach such heights. I mean, if we look at the Tashahud, Ashaduanna Muhammad, Abduhu wa Rasuluhu. It was only when he became the slave of Allah that he was given the Rasul, the messengerhood, the prophethood of Allah. If he did not break his ego to become the slave of Allah, he would not have reached prophethood. In the same way, I can't reach my potential that God has given me if I can't break my ego for Allah. And in that way, then my expectation is from Allah, not from my spouse. And he will far, far over, you know, go over what my expectations are. He will give me so much more than what I expect from him. Next question, we are going back to the initial part where we discussed. And I really liked the way you presented it. The starting point of true individuals should be Nika. Even they can, they may delay what we call their rukh sati stage, but they should be in a permanent Nika. But before that, it comes to the stage where we wish to know the other person. And in some cultures, and even if we would like to know the overall guideline in this regard, how much is knowing the other person? How many times should I meet the other person before I can be confident enough that, yes, this person is right for me. So like the exact question is that we are not allowed to meet, say like 10, 15, we are not allowed to meet for more than 10, 15 minutes and that too only once. And it is impossible to judge the person in that one setting. So what should be the criteria of like accepting or refusing in such a situation? I don't know if you've heard this but I know I've heard this a lot of times. I wouldn't pick my best friend using the criteria that we use to pick my spouse. First of all, when you're picking your best friend, it's someone that you know you can drop and it doesn't matter. Okay, a spouse is a lifetime partner. And not only a lifetime partner, if you actually connect to your spouse in a soul to soul connection, then that spouse becomes your partner in the hereafter as well. Allah SWT says that if you end up in heaven, you will be presented with hoories or your spouse. And if you have connected on a soul to soul connection, guaranteed you will want your spouse, not the hoories, because your spouse. It's a good news for some, but not so good news for some. No, because again it's that connection that you've had with your spouse. If you haven't had that connection, if it's been very material, very physical, you know, very much a material world, life that you've created for each with each other, then there'll be lots of arguments. There'll be lots of friction and obviously then you won't have helped each other and in the hereafter you will not want each other because you know you want to have someone else. And I don't think, you know, when I say that you'll be asked if you want hoories or your spouse, it's not, I feel it's not a question that will only be asked to the male. I feel like it's a question that will be asked to the females as well. Yeah, I don't think there is such a thing as you know know that there's a lot of differences in gender here, but I think in the hereafter it will be very different, inshallah. So the question is, okay, how many times should we meet and how do we do this. First and foremost, remember that you will never get to know the person fully until you're living with them. Never. Okay. And not only when you're living with them, but when you've lived with them for a long time live with them without their parents. You know, I was engaged with the Nicar for two years. And I got to know my husband very well. But when we got married. I, you know, I got to know him in a different light, because now we were living together, but we were living with his family, when we moved and lived on our own. Again, I got to know different aspects of him because, you know, he, you know, when you always have sort of filters that you put in. When you're meeting someone, you will have huge filters there and you'll ensure that you don't show your true form and you'll actually, a lot of the time show what the other person wants to see. You want to ensure that the other person likes you, accepts you and, you know, wants to be married to you, especially if you like the other person. So you're not going to show your true self. And it's not going to happen within, you know, until you're living together. So does that mean now I'm not going to choose who I marry till I live with them? Of course not. It doesn't work like that. You know, this is this is a very Western way of thinking that, oh, how can I marry them without living with them? Again, how long are you going to live with them, because they're not going to show their true self within a year. It may take a few years. So does that mean you're not going to get married with them until a few years. It doesn't, it doesn't make sense. Okay. So no matter how many times you meet this person, you will never truly get to know them. Yes, of course you'll get to know them a little bit. And I think it's important to recognize that when you're actually talking to a person for marriage purposes, know that you're not going to truly get to know them. But you will ask those sort of questions will get will which will show you the way that they think show you what's important in their life. You know what you're trying to figure out is how important is the religion in their life. How would they behave, you know, in a certain situation so again putting scenarios out there, asking them, you know, how they would behave in certain scenarios. What their views are on things that are important to you so for example as a woman if you want to work, work, if you want to study, you know, what are his feelings about that. When you have children, what are your feelings that do they want do you want to have children how many, you know, like, and of course all of these things may change slowly slowly. But initially I think it's important that you have a rough idea of the thinking of this person. Yeah. I think, again, sort of, you know, some people say that he has to make me laugh. It's a huge ask. He's very nervous and you're expecting him to what to a comedy show for you. I don't know what is it that you're expecting. How is he going to make you laugh? You know, it's like he or she is going through the same anxiety that you are. Exactly. Exactly. I think a lot of the times as women we expect the man not to be anxious. Of course he's going to be anxious. It's like, you know, he's, it's not just his choice. It's your choice as well. You know, he may decide he really likes you and you may turn him down. So it's both ways. The anxiousness, the nervousness is there both ways. That's not to say that you can't meet a number of times. There is no number specified in Islam. It's as long as it takes you as many times as it you feel you need to. But while you're meeting with this person, you need to ensure that it is. For the purpose of marriage. You are not just meeting for the fun of it. You're not just, you know, once you have decided yes or no one way or the other, then you have to go on to the next stage. So either if you've decided no, then you need to stop meeting. If you decide yes, then you need to have something recited. Because again, as I said, there is no such thing as engagement. So whether you decide to have Muthar recited or Nikan recited something needs to be recited before you continue with meeting this person. So it's really, really important to do that. I think that the person asked, you know, you're not given much time. Again, I think this is the conversation that you need to have with your parents to sort of say, look, you know, I need to know more about this person. I need to ask some questions. I need to have a little bit more time. A lot of the times I think culturally I think the person said you're not left on your own. My question to you would be, why do you feel the need to be left on your own? What are you going to discuss that you don't want your parents or some sort of chaperone in the room? There should be no intimate conversation happening because you're not married yet. The conversations that are happening where you're trying to find more about this person would be things that you should be able to discuss. So if you're putting out scenarios there, there would be scenarios that wouldn't matter if your parents heard or a chaperone heard. If you're asking them their opinion about something, again, it shouldn't really matter if there's someone else in the room. I understand that when there's someone else in the room, it may make the other person more nervous and they may not be themselves, but then you need to take that into consideration as well. I'm not saying that you shouldn't meet on your own. What I'm saying is if it's causing a problem and you're not able to, then maybe have that discussion where you're meeting with someone in the room, so at least you're getting that opportunity to talk to the person. To working within the culture is what I'm saying. Like you find a way for yourself while within the cultural boundaries. Perfect. Sounds excellent. Now I'm moving to a few questions which are different from these because we have worked on a few of the ideas that are within the questions. For example, but we will see if we have time then we'll come on. The next question is what to do when you know that your spouse has a mental illness but won't get help? No. The question is short and sweet. The solution is not. Firstly, recognize that you're not an expert, so you can't diagnose your spouse with a mental illness. It may be something that irritates you, that you're classifying as a mental illness and it's not. So it's important to recognize that you are not, you haven't got the knowledge to be able to diagnose someone with a mental illness. That's important. If you do feel that there is something wrong, then you need to encourage them to go to the doctor. When it comes to mental illness, it's something that is very much a taboo subject within most cultures. I think you need to ensure that you support your spouse, explain to them most of these, most mental illnesses can be managed. So it's again ensuring that you support your spouse and let them know that you will be with them if they get help, if they go to the doctor and you will try to be with them all the way through. That will help them to realize that there is someone there who's got their back. I think that's really, really important. A lot of the times people are not willing to acknowledge anything because they're scared of what's going to happen if they do acknowledge it. What's going to happen if the doctor says this or does that? What if she walks out? What if she does this? A lot of the times, as youngsters, they won't go and seek help because if anyone finds out in the community, they'll never get married because now they've got that label of someone who's mentally ill. So it's really important to recognize that, you know, if you're already married, then it's a little bit easier because now you're not worried about what other people will say. You're more worried about what your spouse will say. And if your spouse supports you, then it's easier for you to handle. That's important one. Secondly, not telling the person that they've got mental illness because again, you're just going to get that backup but actually saying, look, I think there is something wrong. Can we just go to the doctor and just get some tests, you know, talk it through, let's see what happens and allowing the doctor then to take it to the next step. If the mental illness is very severe, then I think it's a matter of then you deciding how to handle it. You need professional help with that. You need advice to see how this mental illness can be managed, whether it can be managed. Are you in danger? Are your children in danger? All of these things need to be taken into account. And then from that, then you would then talk to the elders of the family. You would then talk to some scholars, maybe the Wakeel of your merger to find out what you're allowed and what you're not allowed to do and then take it from that. But I think again, one step at a time, don't overthink it. Don't go to the worst case scenario. Actually sort of do it slowly one step at a time. Try to support your spouse as much as you can through it all and see where then that leads you and rely on Allah. The was a very powerful. I can't hear you. You're on mute. You're on mute. Can you hear me now? Yeah. What I feel is at the end of the day, the important thing that both sides should understand is that they're in this together at no point should one side make the other side feel that it's your problem and you have to deal with it. For example, you are having tough time when it comes to your mental health. So you better fix it. It should be more than let's fix it together. Let's be on a journey together and help each other move through this. And of course, as you said initially, most of the time it's not the issue of mental health. It's more about me or she doing something which I don't like. So the next question is of course related to this that what if my spouse for example has a small habit or what if he has a communication style, especially with my parents, which I don't like. So what should I be doing in such a case where the habits of my spouse actually relates to me? Again, I think it's important to recognize that I can't change other people. Okay. You married this person because you saw something that you liked in them. Otherwise, why did you marry them? So take it back to what you like. A lot of the times when we see things that we don't like in our spouse, we focus on that. And that becomes a huge issue. And we forget all the things that we like. And we make our spouse that one act. So for example, if my spouse, I don't know, had an argument with my mother say, okay, which is a huge deal. Of course it's a huge deal. But now that's the only thing that I focus on. Now, because I'm focused, focusing on that, every time he says something, he makes a comment about my mother and my mother or anything he does, or she does, you know, that's what I'm going to, I'm going to take it back to that. And all I can see when I look at my spouse is that one ugly act. And that's what I've made him. That's all hard. That's all it is. Whereas that person is a combination of different actions, a combination of different feelings, a combination of different thoughts. And I've forgotten everything else. So it's important to one recognize and remember that I married them because there was things that I liked in them. And when there's things that I don't like in them, focus on the things that I like. Psychologically we're actually told, when you've had an argument with your spouse, before you go to try to discuss that argument, actually spend some time thinking about all the good things that you like about your spouse. And then go and discuss the argument because that way then you're going into the discussion from a positive perspective rather than from a negative perspective. And that's really, really important to remember. So that's one thing. Secondly, you can only help them on their journey. You can't make them make that journey. So although we're a team and we're supposed to, one of the major things about marriage is for us to grow together and move towards Allah swt. But I can only sort of help you if you're ready for that help. I can only, my duty is only to point out to you what I see are deficiencies in you that I have seen. And I may be wrong. And it's again, recognizing that. So if I see, for example, you know, you, I don't know, you behave in a certain way with someone, you do something that is Islamically not acceptable, or maybe that doesn't look right, or it doesn't look nice. I can just point it out to you. What you do with that information is totally up to you. You may ask, you might acknowledge it, and you may ask for my help, or you may decide to acknowledge it and work on the issue yourself, or you may actually not acknowledge it at all because you're taking a lot of rubbish. And again, that's your choice. My duty as a spouse is literally just to let you know, inform you, and let you then decide what you want to do with that information. It's not my duty to push you into action. In the same way the Holy Prophet was told, your duty is just to convey the message. It's up to them whether they want to take on the message. Allah will guide them when they are ready. It's not up to you to guide them. In the same way it's not up to me to push my spouse into any action. It's about me just informing my spouse and then seeing whether that takes him or her. Perfect. We are receiving a few questions on the YouTube as well, but I'm skipping those for now because of course we have a few questions already in place and each other. If we save some time at the end, then we will be moving forward to those questions that we are having those on the YouTube. So another question which is very much related to it, I will read the question first. A part of this question is very much related to the question that we have already addressed, but the part which is not addressed so far is, let me first read the question. How can I deal with my husband who is like high school? That is, I need to tell him of what to do and no sense of responsibility and addicted to computer games. He is lazy of other things except the games and also not working for a living. It is always me who does the work and other things to get money for ourselves. So technically there are two parts. One is his habits and the other which is more trickier part is his responsibilities towards what we call the living or the maintenance of his house. Sorry, I didn't hear the full question. Can you just summarize it for me? The problem that the person has asked for is that the husband acts as if he is still in high school. So one problem is that he is very much addicted to his game. And secondly, he is not very much into his responsibility. So at the end of the day, it's the lady who does all the work and it's the lady who has to make sure that there is money for the family. Okay, so what the woman is saying is that her husband is very immature. All he is doing is playing video games and she is literally doing everything. Yeah. Okay. Why? Why is she doing everything? Does he not work? If not, why not? How is he supporting his wife? It is his duty Islamically to support his wife and his children. And if he's not fulfilling his Islamic duty, then she needs to pull him up on that. When it comes to Wajib and Haram, it's not... Oh, it's your choice. It's your journey. No, this is Wajib. This is Haram. You need to do it or you need to stop doing it if it's Haram. I can't just sit back and say, oh, that's okay. It's your journey. It's the same as if I, you know, as a woman, if I took off my job, my husband cannot be okay with it. He can't say, well, it's your choice. No, you're my guardian. You're supposed to love me. You're supposed to ensure that I'm not doing anything Haram. So if I've done something Haram, actually, you know, have those difficult conversations. So I would ask this woman, how is he sitting around playing on his video games all day long? Why is he not working? If he's not working, why are you not pulling him up on that? If he's not listening to you, then you need to go to, you know, the elders of your family. You need to go to scholars. You need to go to representative of your marja because this is an Islamic duty on him. It is a Wajibath and he should be fulfilling that. If you're telling me he is working and then he comes home and then he just wants to chill and then just be on his video games. Then my, my answer, my solution to you would be trying to get involved in those video games, play with him a little while, you know, do, do, do it with him and then sort of get him to do things that you like as well. So you're, you know, first your role modeling, how one spouse does something for the other spouse that the other spouse enjoys. Okay. He's enjoying video games. I may not enjoy it, but hey, I'll join in and we'll do it together and we'll have fun. And now let, look, I want to go for a walk. So you come for a walk with me than though you don't enjoy it. Just like I play video games, which I didn't. So it's like trying to sort of find that balance and doing things. When she talks about, I'm doing all the work, is she talking about the housework? If that's the case, then again, it is not Wajib on her to do that. If she's going to do it and then get upset about it or moan about it or cause an argument about it, then better she doesn't do it. It's simple as that. If you're going to do the housework, which is not a Wajib, it's a mustahabat, it's a klaki something that is expected from you, not Vicky, but a klaki, it's something that's expected from you. Before I continue, let me just, because I've brought these terms in, let me just discuss the difference between thick and akhlaq. Thick is something where you are told this is Wajib or this is Haram and you really have no choice. Akhlaq is where you go above what is expected thickwise. So for example, I'll give you a simple example. If you were to go into a restaurant, which is a non-Muslim restaurant and you had vegetarian food there, as long as, so for example, say if you're going into, in the West here we have pizza hut, say for example, you're going to pizza hut and you're being served by Eastern Europeans, so you can assume that they're Christian and you can have a vegetarian pizza, no problem. Thickwise, you're not doing anything wrong. Akhlaq wise, you may sit there and think, you know what, what if they're using the same knife to cut the pepperoni pizza or the meat pizza as they're using to cut the vegetarian pizza? What if there's some sort of contamination? Why am I choosing to go to pizza hut when I can go to a halal pizza restaurant? Okay, the pizza may not be as amazing, but do I want it to be something that may bring an adjustment into my body? That is all Akhlaq. If I choose not to follow that Akhlaq, then that's fine, I don't have to. God's not going to punish me for that. But what will happen is, if I do choose to perform that Akhlaq and it's very individually, I will be rewarded for it. So the more effort I put in in order to improve my Akhlaq, which is my relationship with God, as well as my relationship with others, the more I will be rewarded. So in this situation, although a woman does not have to do any of the housework thickwise, Akhlaq wise, if she does do it, then God will reward her immensely. And if I'm doing it for God, then I need to make sure that my Aenea is for God, only for Allah. And that way, then I see it as an opportunity rather than a burden, because it's an opportunity to send my Allah in order to serve Him, to serve Allah, not to serve my husband, to serve Allah. And that way, then, I don't resent it. Okay? If I am finding that I'm resenting it, then either I need to correct my intentions and correct my Aenea and make sure that I can do it for God, or maybe have a conversation with my husband and say, you know what? You need to get a cleaner in or you need to get a cook in, because I can't do it and it's not wajif for me to do. Now it's easy said and done, because culturally, this could cause a huge lot of arguments. So again, I need to take into consideration that there is a cultural element to this. It's well and easy for me to turn around and say, well, Islamically, it's not your duty. So don't do it and turn around and say, you know what? Culturally is your duty and you're not the sort of wife I want and it will cause huge arguments. So again, if I find myself in a situation where I am having to do these things, because that's what's expected from me culturally, then why not do it with the correct Aenea? So I'm getting much more reward for it than to do it with the wrong Aenea and feel so much resentment. Because if I'm doing it anyway, let's correct Aenea and that way then I get that contentment in my heart because I've connected it to Allah. Allah will compensate me in this world, reward me in this world and in the hereafter. And my expectation isn't from my husband who is letting me down anyway. So let me connect it to Allah. So the answer for those who are listening can be divided into two parts. One part is related to Fikr, which of course in a case where your husband is not fulfilling his Fikr related duties, it's necessary that you discuss with him, involve the elders, involve the people with wisdom so that you can find the solution. And those which are related to the Allah responsibilities which he should be like supporting you in fulfilling and if he is not then of course it should be a matter between you and Allah, even though you should discuss with him. But it's a more of your Allah's matter and you should align it in such a way that your direction is more towards Allah instead of more towards your husband in order that you can handle this journey in a much better way. Having said that, a question which is slightly related not very much related to this was something that we even discussed when we were doing the test run and it was a question with which it was a little shocking for us that when we released the clip which discussed this whole idea of the Fikr responsibility of a woman. So the idea is that there is only one responsibility which is given by Allah's one Allah or when it comes to the lady's side is to make sure that she is there in regards to the needs of a man and in regards to intimacy. So the idea is what the question is what difference does it make for example say if we had a mistake there's this only one thing that Allah wants me to fulfill for him and there is no other responsibility that I have except for this and of course a related question is why only this and why this in fact. So if you can like share some time with us. I think it's really important to recognize that physical intimacy is something that Allah has put into this has put into both men and women but the need for physical intimacy is much generally much more in a man than it is in a woman and because Allah has put that need in him then he needs to put in something that will fulfill that need and that is his wife and this is why it is a it is not wajib for a woman to give to her husband it is haram for her to say no there's a difference here okay there's a difference and it's really important because when Allah makes it wajib for a woman to give to her husband then it means that he has to give she has to initiate it she has to you know do all the work when it says that it is haram for her to say no then what Allah is saying is that when the need arises in your husband and he approaches you then you should not turn him away because he doesn't have anyone anywhere else he can go in a halal way where he can have this need fulfilled and it is a need that Allah has put in him and again as a woman if I can do that for the sake of Allah so I am fulfilling this duty because Allah has told me to then my expectation is from Allah not from my husband it's the same way I wake up in the middle of the night to do my fajr I don't want to sometimes sometimes you will be shattered you will be tired but you know this is a wajib out and you know you have to get up and you will do it and you know because this is what Allah is required for you so again it's important that we recognize that this is something that Allah has said that I cannot haram for me to say no so at the same time it is important for me for my husband to recognize that he is my guardian which means he is supposed to take care of me now if I turn around and tell him that I am ill and he still turns around and says well this is my right then how is he being my guardian that is a wajib out on him he is my guardian to take care of me so how is he taking care of me and again two wrongs don't make a right so if my husband is doing something wrong doesn't mean that it makes it right for me to do something wrong as well I need to ensure that I am trying to do whatever Allah wants and then let Allah be the judge when he is judging both of us it's like when you have two children I know when my children are young and sometimes you go out and you are saying what happened and one of them will turn around and say he hit me why did you hit him because he hit me first again it doesn't make it right just because he hit you doesn't mean you hit him back that doesn't make it right two wrongs don't make it right so again if he is not behaving in the right way doesn't mean that you have the right to say no to him again it's about breaking your ego it's about doing it for Allah breaking my ego so even when I don't feel like it even when I am annoyed at it I need to understand that this is a right that is given by God so I am doing it for God thirdly I think it's also important to understand the mentality of men and the mentality of women a man when a couple have had an argument and they want to fix it a man wants to talk it through until it's been fixed until it's been resolved a man wants to show the woman that he cares and he still loves her even though they've got this disagreement and the only way he actually truly feels he can show his wife that he loves her is to be intimate with her so a lot of the times a man will approach his wife to be intimate to show her that he loves her and in her head she's thinking he doesn't love me because he knows I'm angry at him he knows we've had a fight and now he's trying to approach me he's just being selfish so again if we can stop trying to think that my husband thinks like me and for the husband to stop thinking that my wife thinks like me then a lot of these miscommunications will be resolved I actually realize that men and women think so differently so differently a man when he's approaching his wife yes it may be for his own needs but sometimes it may just be to show his wife that he loves him he loves her so that's important for a woman to recognize for a man to recognize that you know what if you want your wife to be intimate with you it has to start outside the bedroom you have to emotionally win her over you have to show her love outside of the bedroom there has to be intimacy you know there has to be sort of some sort of connection outside you need to help her so she's not she needs to be in the right frame of mind she needs to be not stressed not overwork so you know both of them have to give a little in order to make the intimacy work within a relationship perfect now we move to the last portion from our lesser portion and in case we get some questions we don't have too much of time we only have like 15 minutes the question is in regards like I'm generalizing the question even if it to a certain the question is in regards like what if my I have I won't wear makeup but my spouse will wear makeup so what should I be doing in such a situation and we have to like talk about this is wearing makeup outside yeah of course so in front of very specific I won't wear makeup truly in front of non-wear relatives so what to do in such a case where this is like say after marriage what to do in cases where this is in itself for example you are expected to do these things but you are not doing these so that was related to it that you have it in certain that a girl can show her hairs to a potential spouse so it doesn't allow her to wear makeup to a potential spouse so some questions around makeup so we can cover this in any way so obviously makeup is to do with the hijab aspect so hijab is a very individual thing there is a general foundation on I'm talking about the hijab the physical hijab of clothing and not the not the social hijab I'm not talking about the mental hijab I'm talking about the physical hijab where what is required for a woman who is supposed to be in hijab so we're told that the basis is that you have to be covered fully the only thing that is allowed to be shown is your face and your hands up to your wrist so literally up to there if your sleeve goes any lower than that then that is against your hijab so it's important to recognize that you cannot pull your sleeve down you can't wear the three quarter length sleeves your feet have to be covered according to Aitha Lassastani if you're a Mughalist of Aitha Lassastani your feet have to be covered okay so you have to wear socks or shoes that cover your full feet that is part of your hijab okay when it comes to makeup having spoken to Saeed Milani who is a Wakil of Aitha Lassastani he's a representative of Aitha Lassastani in London he said that if you are wearing makeup with the intention to blend in not to attract so for example if you're working and you know you feel like you need to put a little bit of light makeup on to make yourself look acceptable because maybe you've had a rough night maybe you look really bad or maybe you've got some sort of skin blemishes and you just want to cover them up so it's not something you're not wearing bright red lipstick you're not wearing something that will actually make you stand out which would be against your hijab he says that sort of makeup is allowed Milani said this so he said as long as it is not something that makes you stand out as long as the intention is not to attract the opposite gender then and you fit in so obviously the sort of makeup you would wear for example in the west compared to the sort of makeup you would wear for example when you went to Ziyarat to Iran or to Iraq it's totally different because what is acceptable there and what is acceptable here is totally different it's like the clothes that I would wear here in the west compared to the clothes that I would wear in Ziyarat would be totally different but all the time I'm covered so Islam doesn't dictate how you should cover yourself it just dictates you should be covered now whether I choose to cover myself with long top and trousers or whether I choose to cover myself with an abaya that's my choice but I need to not stick out so when I wear a long top and trousers in Saudi I will stick out so therefore I'm against my job although I'm fully covered it is against my job so recognizing that I need to fit in but at the same time not compromising my job is really really important if my husband wants me to wear makeup I would have a conversation with him and why he wants me to wear makeup what is the reasoning behind it if it is because he wants everyone else to see how beautiful I am then why don't I just take off my hijab fully and show them truly how beautiful I am actually get him to see how his thinking is flawed in that way why do you want other people to see how beautiful your wife is why do let's make a compromise here let me dress up for you let me wear makeup for you so when you come home I am in full makeup I look beautiful but only for you because you should see my beauty if I can put it in that way where I actually a lot of the times the problem is for both men and women once they get married they don't bother about beautifying themselves both men and women it's like now we're married that's it no it's not I need to look beautiful and handsome for my spouse and this is both for men and women a lot of the times men moan about the fact that their wives have let themselves go but men also let themselves go you know you have to make sure that you're constantly taking care of yourself and making yourself look beautiful because out there people are flaunting themselves and you know when you see other people there you want to come home and think you know what my wife is even more beautiful than that because you know what he's not just seeing the physical beauty but he's seeing the inner beauty because he knows me inside out and that is much more beautiful but he needs to see a physical beauty as well just as I need to see a physical beauty so there's that concept of you know both have to so I think once you're married I think it's a conversation that you need to have and talk about it before marriage I think it's again a conversation that needs to be had but I think you need to not say it in the first conversation oh by the way I don't wear makeup and don't expect me to wear it again it's gently you know once you get married to the person explain to them why you don't and why it's important for you not to and have a discussion about it Perfect I actually I left and and I only have like somewhere around 5 to 7 years because I know that I need to make questions towards you for good point 1 plus r and you are in the full line for answering the question a boy on the basis of attractiveness same as boys are allowed to project somewhat based on their it is important that you find you're the person that you're going to marry physically attractive that is important for both men and women men and women again think differently so I think women are attracted by the personality and that affects the physical appearance as well so I know I know women who have not found their husbands to be that attractive but as they've got to know them because of their personalities because of their value system and things like that then they see them in a different light whereas men I think are very much more towards the physical attractiveness obviously the inner thing does make a difference but not as much as it does for a woman and again I'm being very very general there are exceptions to these cases but what is important to realise is again the Hadith that I think one of the scholars spoke about where you can choose someone for their beauty or you can choose them for their wealth or you can choose them for their social status but if you choose them for their deen and their akhlaak then Allah will ensure you get everything else but if you're going to choose them for just their beauty then that beauty will fade it may go away it may not be enough initially when you look at someone you think oh wow they're beautiful but if you've got nothing to talk to them about if you have no other connection what is the point of that beauty and as they get older the beauty does go again wealth you may marry someone who's rich you may lose all their money so it's important again to recognise that I need to yes I shouldn't find them repulsive but try to look at the inner beauty and see if you can bring that inner beauty into their physical beauty and then move from that if I find them repulsive then say I'm sorry I can't marry this person because again beauty is in the eye of the beholder you may see someone beautiful differently it's like what I see as beauty you may see as ugly but I need to find my spouse beautiful that's important whether I'm a man or a woman the last question we have at this point but I am sharing this with you what if I don't have any income to run the house after marriage what if I don't have any what if I don't have any any income to run the house after getting married what if I don't have any I don't have any income to run the house after getting married I don't have any income so should I wait or should I get married the last one in the Holy Quran tells us to marry and he will he will bless that marriage you know finance shouldn't be a reason for us not to get married there is a lot of barqa that comes from marriage and again if I truly believe in God's words and this is why I'm having the niqa recited because otherwise I would just live with the person so the fact that I believe in God's words and I'm having the niqa recited then believe in God's words when he says he will provide for you in marriage so the short answers to that question because we are running out of time is trust that Allah will provide for you if you do it with the right intention marry the person and then yes you may go through a little bit of hard times but it will never be something that will not bring in growth so again Allah will provide risk is written for everyone according to what their needs are and you will grow together it's important to recognize that the earlier we get married the more chance it is that we will grow together if we get married when we're older it's much more difficult than to change our ways secondly sorry before we just one thing that's just come to my mind which I think is really really important which I just want to put out there when I get married I tend to expect my husband to be my all so before I had friends so I had a friend that I would go for advice a friend that I would go to just chill with a friend that would make me laugh a friend that I would go with whatever I had different friends that I used for different fulfillments in my life now I get married I expect my husband to be the one that I go for advice with the one that I will do exercise with me the one that will make me laugh he can't be everything no one person can be everything so it's important to recognize that I can't put that burden of expectation on my husband and secondly my all should always be Allah I love my husband because Allah has told me to love him my love for my spouse whether it's my husband or my wife should never be a direct love I love my spouse because that is what God has told me to do so it's always a triangular love and as long as I keep it as a triangular love then Allah will always be part of that relationship and that relationship will always always be blessed inshallah inshallah such such amazing way to look at things and I hope that it will allow us all to have a shift in the way we look at things especially the troublesome side of marriage or the tricky part of the marriage that we work on and we develop a lust for Allah to make sure that and we keep the belief that he is with us in this entire journey the good times, all the good times inshallah so we can work as thank you so much Dr. Masino for being with us and making sure for the entire journey of the testing and its life transmission the longest life transmission with the scholars that we have done for 19 years thank you so much thank you to the world with us answering all different kinds of questions before we close any final words from your side I think my final words would be always keep Allah as the central focus in your life in everything that you do always do it for him and that way then inshallah everything that we do will be an ibadah which will bring us closer to him and be filled with his barqa and will be successful inshallah inshallah if someone wishes to like get in touch with Dr. Masino in case we are unable to answer the questions to the expectation is someone having with his or her is there a way Dr. Masino that they can reach out to you they can they can email me on masumah masumah masumah masumah masumah masumah masumah masumah masumah this session will bring barqa inshallah your mantle live inshallah your mantle live in everybody all of them live inshallah thank you so much again thank you inshallah to everyone inshallah to everyone and of course related greetings of the eid and advance greetings of the eid that is coming inshallah so we have another session inshallah the hills of the hills inshallah the platforms that we have so thank you so much for having with us for the entire 19 years and it is expected of us to take care of the eid