 This is a question I received from a subscriber about dating and it can help a lot of you, so make sure that you stay tuned What is up everybody, this is Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem But focus on the solution and if you're new here, I love getting questions I love when all of you out there ask me questions because it means that your wheels are turned It means that you want to get some suggestions some advice maybe some knowledge maybe some wisdom So this is a question from a subscriber and if you would like to ask me a question for me to answer in one of my videos Make sure you email me or DM me on Instagram or leave a comment down below Do whatever you got to do get a hold of me. Alright, so this is a question about dating a sober guy Now listen very carefully Don't turn this video off because I'm gonna cover some things that all of y'all need to hear whether or not It has to do with somebody at sobriety or not. Alright, so let's get to the question Alright everybody, I may look a little different. Some of you saw the original video and you're like Chris Why'd you take down the original video? Well, I took it down out of respect for the viewer who sent me the email There was a lot of details in that email that she asked me to remove So I took it down and I am just Re-recording this to give you all some context for anybody who didn't see the original video. So anyways a young woman emailed me and Basically her situation was she was seeing a guy who had been sober from alcohol for about a year and He had been clean from substances for about four months. He went on a trip. He had a relapse He experienced some withdrawal and he started working with a sponsor who suggested that he focused 100% on his recovery No relationships know nothing like that But you know because he has feelings for this young woman he said, you know what like, you know, we can still be friends and He was also saying that you know, don't wait around for me for this whole first year No dating thing because I don't know who I'm gonna be in a year. Alright, and she was asking me my opinion Should they stay friends? What do I think is going on in his head and some things like that? Alright, so that's kind of the context of the email So the rest of this video will make a lot more sense But anyways something I forgot to plug in the last one is like share this video share this video because if you're Not somebody I know you know somebody who is debating on staying friends with somebody that they were seeing and now they're not saying All right, share this please get the word out there because I'm gonna cover a lot of different topics in this video. All right Now here we go. All right Great question. There is so much going on in this question. Okay, so first thing first thing. Let's talk. All right, um, I Don't think this guy has been as sober as he told you Withdrawal does not just happen withdrawal only happens if you have been Binge drinking for a while. All right, like after a vacation unless this was like a month-long vacation Which I don't know like unless this was a very long vacation His body would not become dependent to alcohol that quickly Substances like heroin. Yeah, you can do it once and then get withdrawal But alcohol like he didn't go like party for a week or a weekend and then have symptoms of withdrawal That's not how it works a hangover. Yes withdrawal. No. All right So I would be kind of curious about how honest he was from the start. Okay now In regards to him getting sober and working with a sponsor and talking about not dating in his first year Cool good on him. Um, I do want to I want to preface the rest of this video the rest of this video with saying These are strictly opinions based on my experience based on my experience With guys in particular having a lot of friends who are females and things like that Strictly opinion, but the first thing I will say is I don't know. I don't know what's going on in his head I hope you've watched my video about expectations But yeah, he might be legit. He might be honest He might really want to take his somebody seriously and do what his sponsor says and all that jazz Like his motive for staying friends. I don't know I try to give all of you tough love very honest, but much needed truth so I don't like to sugarcoat stuff and have you hang on to hope but Hope it's necessary, but not in instances like this in my in my opinion He might be somebody because this is usually what happens He might be somebody who was trying to spare feelings and saying let's just be friends In order to just not saying, okay, I'm done with you. Let's never talk again But this is something that I want all of you to hear. It's very hard to do this It is very very very hard. It is very rare that people stay friends After they dated it happens. It does happen Okay, my my son's mom and I are like best friends, but she's like remarried and has like a son and Everything like that and like we're friends and obviously we have a son between us now as far as staying friends after like a Relationship no matter how serious it was this, you know, three or four months Somewhat serious maybe but there's usually just from my experience a few reasons why they do this One is to leave the door open for hookups, which this guy shouldn't be doing anyways or two To string you along for a while until he is ready for you, which is unfair That's why I'm a little confused because it's kind of contradictory for him to say let's stay friends But you know also just go and live your life. He sounds like he's confused But this is very normal of somebody in early sobriety. They have no idea what they want. Okay, and like I Think probably the best part of what he said was he doesn't want you waiting around Hanging on to this hope that you guys are gonna date after a year like the amount that I changed over my first year Was insane and the amount I changed over my My after my first year to my second year was even more You know, and I continue to grow I continue to change the type of woman that I was dating when I first got clean Or even in my active addiction completely different later on so he he's correct He might be a completely different person now Here's here's the part that all of you need to hear to like it's I think You know way too many of us get far too attached in a short period of time Way too attached way way way way way to attach So this is time to start reflecting in words and saying like why why do I get so attached? Why because I Used to be the same way that like all of my relationship advice it comes from so much experience is disgusting Okay, but I would get so attached and something I realized was I have this Insane irrational fear of being alone. Okay insane irrational fear So as soon as I click with somebody I'm like, oh my god, which I start projecting into the future How long are we gonna be together with this is my soulmate? Da da da da da and we get this issue with thinking that we're never gonna meet somebody as good as that again and Girl, let me tell you right now first off. You will second off I'm sure he's a great guy, but he is not in his optimal state. Okay, so what that means is is that? He is doing you a favor. Okay? I'm I'm 1000% sure if me and you talked a little bit more and you told me all of his qualities I guarantee you can find those qualities and somebody else something that I always try to tell my friends who are either Going through a breakup The fear of being alone or I have friends who have been single for a very long time and have this fear of being lonely And then they try to cling to like the first person who gives them some attention again is remember this Remember this everybody. There are over 7.6 Billion people on this planet 7.6 billion people. Okay, the chances are that that person was the one is Pretty improbable. Okay. Now. Here's the other thing too, and this is a whole nother video a whole nother rant The idea of the one needs to get out your head. It needs to just leave your brain Okay, this is something that has been sold to us by romance movies and novels and all stuff like that This is not the way love works. Okay. This is not the way these These things work. Okay. Yes, I know I know what you're thinking right now But my mom and dad they met in middle school and they've been together ever since cool. They worked well together Okay, that is amazing Congrats to them, but Your fixation on finding that one person set yourself up to get attached to people who are Not the best fit the best match for you. Okay When we are constantly looking for the one we are lowering our bar We are accepting way too many flaws like in our honesty in your specific situation This guy has a lot of work to do. Okay, a lot of work to do you deserve better Okay, and hopefully he knows that you deserve better. All right There is no reason why you should go into a relationship thinking that you have to fix anybody or wait around for them Especially with recovery. One of the reasons why it's so Such a bad idea to date somebody in the early recovery is a lot of times We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop a lot of times It sucks to admit this but a lot of people relapse, you know what I mean and getting emotionally invested in something like that You just shouldn't do it. All right, like I said 7.6 billion people on this planet less than 10% of them are addicts and alcoholics Find one that already has their act together. All right Again look within yourself because like you said anxiety and OCD You might have an issue that you need to look within yourself on and see if you have an issue trying to find people who are broken You know like these these are things and sometimes they're manageable Sometimes they're not but a lot of times early on in relationships People think that they can deal with it and it doesn't take very long for them to realize that they can't right and Sometimes it sucks because the time by the time you realize that you've already moved in together Things like that and that's a bad time to figure it out So my suggestion is like cut the ties if you want to stay friendly cool But have your expectations out of bare bare bare minimum. Do not wait around for this guy Go out. I do think that you need to do some some soul searching. Okay, find out what you're looking for Look within yourself. Are you fine trying to find people with flaws in them? you know what qualities does this person have and Be very realistic with yourself on is it possible that somebody else has these qualities because it definitely Definitely is like I can't think of anybody on earth where they're the only one with these certain qualities All right, so go out there find somebody new or stay single for a while It all really depends on you All right, but a lot of this stuff that I've talked about in this video You can all find it in the broken picker playlist. I will link it at the end of this video All right, but anyways, thank you so much for emailing me this question I hope I hope you guys got something out of it and please share it if you got something out of it Or you think you know somebody who needs to see this video Please please please share it and if any of you have any questions that you would like me to answer Feel free to leave them in the comments below or head to my about page It has my email and all my other social media so you can get a hold of me All right, but thank you so much for watching if you like this video Please give it a thumbs up and if you're new here make sure you click that little round subscribe button I'm always making videos to help you out with your mental and emotional well-being and like I said boom Watch that playlist called the broken picker a ton of relationship advice. All right, but anyways, thanks again for watching Ask me some questions and I'll see you later