 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program, coming to you from the Naval Air Station at Livermore near San Francisco, California and starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Guess what? This may be a little hard to believe, but government authorities say that most folks don't get enough breakfast and they're concerned about it. They want us all to eat a good breakfast and do a better job. Now it turns out the reason why so many people give breakfast the brush is because of the time and cost involved. But if you start here a day with molly rich grape nuts or grape nuts flakes, you solve the whole situation. For these delicious cereals cost only about a penny a serving, and their so quick to fix, they cost you nothing in time. Now as you know, nutritionists say that a cereal with whole grain food values is a must for the adequate breakfast. Well, both grape nuts and grape nuts flakes are crammed full of all-around whole grain nourishment, including iron, niacin, and vitamin B1. Proteins, too. So thanks to grape nuts and grape nuts flakes, you can have a good breakfast and about the same time it would take you to sip and run. Eat a good breakfast, do a better job. Enjoy grape nuts and grape nuts flakes. Let me take you behind the scenes of radio and show you how an announcer introduces a comedian to get the program off to a good start. Go right ahead, Don. You see, folks, we announcers depend upon holidays and special events to give meaning to our introduction. That's right, folks. Every introduction has a meaning all its own. For instance, last Thanksgiving, when I introduced Jack, I said, since this is a new Thanksgiving, we bring you an old turkey. That's why Roosevelt went back to one Thanksgiving. He didn't want to hear that joke twice. Continue, Don. When the Christmas holidays are all around, I introduced Jack by saying, we can't bring you Santa Claus, but we bring you a man who's holding the bag. Now that joke never had a chance. It was given as primary training by Red Skelton, grounded by Abbott and Costello, and washed out by Fred Allen. All right, Don, proceed with your lecture on introduction. When I introduced Jack on Washington's birthday, I said, George Washington threw a dollar across the Potomac. We can't bring you that dollar, but we bring you the man who has all the others. I'll never forget the reaction to that gag. The audience rose to their feet, bowed their heads for one minute, and sat down again. Continue, Don. So you see, ladies and gentlemen, the various holidays have much to do with introducing a radio comedian, but this is not a holiday. That's right. So for absolutely no reason at all, I bring you Jack Benny. Jack Benny talking, and, Don, I agree that today isn't exactly a holiday, but there is a reason for introducing me to these sailors here at Livermore. There is? Why, certainly. I used to be a sailor myself back in 1917. Oh, did they take men over 38 then? Don, how could I be 38 then when I'm only 32 now? I mean, don't, don't let this gray hair fool you. It isn't mine. So there. But Jack, 1917 was 27 years ago. And if you're 32 now, that means you entered the Navy when you were only five years old. I was a daring little devil, wasn't I? You know, I still have the tattoo of Shirley Temple on my arm. I really have. Anyway, let's get on with this. But Jack, you were so young, what could the Navy do with you? They made me an ensign. This gray hair fooled them too, you know. And, Don, I wish you wouldn't make me lose my temper while we're here. I'm sentimental about the Navy. Oh, me too, Jack. You know, I wish I were a sailor. I feel that I could put my heart into that uniform. Don, Don, you'll never, oh, your heart, your heart. We better get started with the command. Mr. Benny? Yes. You may not remember me, but I'm Mr. London, the manager of the St. Francis Hotel. Oh, yes, I've been staying there all week. Well, congratulations. We got a room for you now. There was a little noisy sleeping in the lobby there, you know. In the lobby? Why, Jack, wasn't it embarrassing getting undressed? Oh, no, Don, no, they have two lobbies, one for men and one for women. Now, what a scramble getting dressed in the morning. Yesterday I came out of there wearing a commander's pants, an admiral's coat, and a sailor's hat. I almost went crazy saluting myself. But, Don, no kidding, we have had a very exciting week up here, haven't we? Oh, we certainly have. Especially last Monday night at the Henry Kaiser shipyard when Mary launched that ship. We had a great time. I was enjoying it until the foreman at the shipyard insulted me. Don, the foreman apologized. He told you he was nearsighted. He didn't try to launch you intentionally. It was just a natural mistake, that's all. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary. How are you? I was talking about you launching that ship Monday night. Oh, that certainly was a thrill. I'll never forget it as long as I live. And gosh, Mary, the way you socked the boat with that bottle, what a swing. No kidding, Mary. You were terrific. The girl who launched that other ship didn't have half the swing you had. She's never been out with a sailor. Oh, oh, I guess... I guess the proudest moment of my life came when I launched the boat and said, I christen thee the Edward E. Hale. But, gee, Mary, I asked you to try... Don, I told you a thousand times they wouldn't let me call it the SS Grape Nut. Oh, fine. Don probably wants you to launch it with sugar and cream, you know? But then, on second thought, why should he? Grape nuts are for breakfast, not for launch. What happened, then? I hope to keep us moving from camp to camp. But, you know, Mary, I can't get over how many boats they've launched here in such a short time and the amount of champagne they have to use. Imagine all that champagne falling into the water. Then that explains it. What? Yesterday I saw a man fishing and as he pulled one out of the water, he shrugged his fins and said, in my condition, who cares? Mary, it's all right to be silly and go over, but don't overdo it, you know? Fish can't talk. Well, this one was so cock-eyed he didn't know what he was doing. Oh, that's different. But all in all, it has been an exciting week from the moment we crossed the bay and arrived in San Francisco. Hey, Jack, did you notice those huge Navy planes landing on the water? Yes, and I was puzzled by those big things at the bottom where the wheels should be. What are they? Those are pontoons. But you've seen them before, haven't you? pontoons? Yeah. Oh, yeah, those are the things the automobiles use in Los Angeles during the rainy season. Well, look who's here, Alice Faes Pinup, boy. Hiya, Jackson. Hello, fellas. Good to see you. What have you been doing all week? Just fishing and ringing them out. What? The first time I ever had champagne with bones in it. Say, Jackson, you want to know who's stationed at this base? I just saw him on the outside. No, who? Robert Taylor. Robert Taylor? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know he... Mary, come back here. No kidding. Phil, I didn't know Robert Taylor was stationed here. Sure, he's a lieutenant. He's a flight instructor. Well, what do you know? Now, I bet he looks handsome in his uniform, huh? Oh, I don't know. I've seen him. When you stop to think about it, he's not so handsome. Well, maybe not, I don't know. When you stop to think about it, he's not so cute either. Well, you'd know more about that than I would. And when you stop to think about it, he's just another man. That's all. Well... You know, Jack, I think they're crazy. Who? The girls who stop to think about it. I should have known you were leading up to something. Phil, perhaps they play a band number, get Mary out of this romantic mood. Okay. I was handsome too when I was a sailor. It took me about nine years, the first time I really enjoyed your boys. Well, thanks, Jackson, but these ain't my boys. You know, I left my regular orchestra in Los Angeles. Oh. Well, I should have known this wasn't your regular orchestra. These fellas are wearing shoes, you know? Now, that don't mean nothing. When my boys play, they have a reason for not wearing shoes. They have? Sure. When they come to an eight-bar rest, they gotta have something to count on, don't they? Well, now I've heard everything, you know? Oh, Jack, you're always picking off Phil's orchestra. They must be pretty good. After all, they're working for Slappy Maxie. I know. What do you think made Maxie Slappy? And now, Phil... All right, Jackson, all right. So my band ain't so good. What do you want me to do? Fire the boys? Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea, Phil. I mean, give them two weeks' notice. Only two weeks' notice to fire them? Sure. What are you talking about? I gotta give them eight months' notice to learn a new song. Well, then start now. I want them to know jingle bells by Christmas. Too modest to brag about his orchestra, but he had an offer to play in one of the most exclusive places around here. Really? Where? The Rodeo Club. That's a funny name for a night spot. I wonder why they call it the Rodeo Club. Because after you take one drink, they throw your hog tie in brand new to show that you've been waited on. Well, gee, they must really be doing business. And now, fellas, come in. Mr. Bammie? Yes? You may not remember me, but I'm Mr. London, the manager of the St. Francis Hotel. Yes, yes, I know. We have your room ready, but due to the shortage of help, you'll have to make your own bed. Oh, oh, I don't mind making my own bed. Good. Here's a hammer and saw. Get busy. Anything to help, you know. And now, fellas, as a special tribute to the Livermore Air Base, tonight we're going to... Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Dennis. As I was saying, fellas, tonight we're going to... How are you? Fine, kid, fine, fine. As a special tribute to the Livermore Air Base... Gee whiz, Mr. Benny, you haven't seen me all week and you don't even say, hiya, Dennis, old kid, old pal. Gee, I'm glad to see you. What have you been doing? Okay, hiya, Dennis, old kid, old pal. Gee, I'm glad to see you. What have you been doing? Nothing. Just as I thought. Tonight, fellas, we're going to try and... Except last Tuesday. What? Last Tuesday night, I had a date with a beautiful blonde. And, oh, boy, did I paint the town red. The bowel tabern, the gay 90s, the top of the mark, and the 1079 club. That is, you really were stepping. Did your girl have a good time, too? I don't know. She didn't show up. No fun going to all those places by yourself. There isn't? Of course not. And another thing, kid, how can you afford to go to those expensive night clubs? I don't check my hat. Well, how can you save money that way? Jack, this may come as a surprise to you, but when people get their hats back from the check room, they're supposed to leave as the girl a tip. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Say, you know, girls are lucky. They don't have to check their hats. Of course not. Well, anyway, Dennis, getting back to, say, I wonder... Stop thinking about it. You'd look silly wearing a lady's hat. I wasn't thinking about it at all. I was just thinking how silly it was for Dennis to go to all those night clubs without his girl. Well, gee, Mr. Benny, I was having so much fun. I didn't even realize she wasn't there. Well, when did you miss her? When I went to kiss her good night. Well, at least it didn't spoil your evening. I'm glad you got around, kid. Yeah, I went to one place yesterday afternoon where they threw me, hog-tied me, and branded me. Oh, the Rodeo Club. No, the Income Tax Bureau. Oh, yes, yes, March the 15th does roll around. Well, anyway, now that you're here, kid, how about singing a song for the boys, huh? Okay. Okay, well, okay. Dennis, Dave, for the first time on the air. Dennis, that was beautiful. Thank you. Say, Mr. Benny, I wanted to talk to you about something. You know, when I was at the Income Tax Bureau, I got all mixed up. You did? Why? Well, my salary is $35, isn't it? That's right. And because my song only takes two minutes, you told me it amounts to $186,000 a week. That's right, Ken. Then what do I pay tax on? $35 or $186,000? That's right. Dennis, $186,000 is a theoretical figure. You're not really getting that much. I'm not? No. No wonder my girl didn't show up. Dennis, let me try to... Wait a minute, Jackson. Wait a minute. You better let me handle this. I'll explain this whole thing to the kid. Oh, fine, fine. Now, look, Dennis, theoretically, Jackson is right. What? Now, uh... I don't know. I don't know. Now, look, Dennis. Theoretically, Jackson is right. What? Now, the $186,000 is your hip-pocket... of hypothetical compensation. Uh-huh. Which means that your remuneration is based on the limited time of your... produce... Just skip that. Productivity. Now, the element is the question to segregate... segregate... segregate the actual from the supposition. Oh, brother. Now, so summing it all up and then condensing it to simple, uh, phraseology... Yes? You're a bum. Phil. Hypothetical remuneration, phraseology. Phil, for heaven's sake, where did you learn all those big words? Oh, I was up with them all night. And Jackson, the next time you give me a speech like that, the reader's gonna punch you right in the nose. Just once, I wanted people to know that you can pronounce words, even though you don't know what you're talking about. Oh, you and your educated writers, you. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? You may not remember me, but I'm Mr. London, the manager of the same... I know, I know, I know. You lucky man, I now have a room for you completely furnished. Oh, fine, fine, thank you, that's well... I'm glad. Uh, tell me, do I have a tub? Yes, but if you button your coat, nobody'll notice it. And understand it all. Oh, my goodness, I forgot to ask him something. I'll get him back. Oh, Mr. London, Mr. London. Here he comes, Jack. Mr. Benny wants to talk to you. Mr. Benny? Yes? You may not remember me, but I'm Mr. London. Never mind that. Now, here's what I'd like to know, Mr. London. Do you serve breakfast in the room? Why, yes, certainly. You can have anything you want. Good. Now, tomorrow morning for breakfast, I want grape nuts flakes. Why? Ooh, what he said. Why? I'll tell you why, because... They're malty rich, sweet as a nut, and have whole grain nourishment. That's why. That's telling them, Jack. And furthermore... They're a thrifty buy in the big 12-ounce economy-sized package, and they're not rationed, either. They're a friend of mine here, and he told me that he likes to start his day with a big bowl of grape nuts flakes, because his motto is, eat a good breakfast, be a better god. Yes, flakes are an American favorite. Why? Why? Are you crazy? No, I'm London manager of the same brand. Now, where were we before he came in? I was a bum. Oh, yes, yes. No, no, no, Dennis, you're not a bum. And let's not start that again. Let's get on with the... I'll take it. Hello, Chester? What's the idea of calling me long distance from Beverly Hills? I'm making out my income tax and I'm stuck. What's... What's taking you? The first line. The first line. And it says gross income. What's that? That means your entire income. For example, Rochester, I pay you $2,000 a year. That means your gross income is $2,000. $2,000? Yes. Boss, is that theoretical, hypothetical, or did the operator give me the wrong number? I haven't got the wrong number. Now, look, Rochester, in figuring your income tax, put down all you made, then list your deductions, such as contributions, donations, bad investment. Bad investments? Does that include money lost while on bended knee? No, it doesn't. It has nothing to do with shooting crafts. Anyway, I thought you told me Lady Luck always smiles at you. She does, but yesterday she forgot to use Aerium. Well, it serves you right for playing with strangers. This wasn't a stranger, boss. You know my friend Sam? Yes. Well, he's got the only paradise you can locate with radar. Does that mean they're trick dice? Trick? When you roll them out of 11, so there's nothing to be in doubt about. This certainly ought to teach you a lesson. Uh-huh, yesterday's show was a bad day for us. Us? Yeah, that green sport coat of yours fits Sam perfectly. Rochester, you mean to say you lost my sport coat in a craft game? I couldn't help it, boss. You couldn't help it? You had to nerve the gamble with my coat? I was trying to win back your tuxedo. Rochester, you better have my clothes back by the time I come home. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. Now what? Uh, if you go to another launch in with you, do me a favor. Sure, what is it? Bring me back two cases of fish. Two cases of fish? Yeah, when you pull out. It really seems a shame, Jack, didn't have to go through all that trouble about getting a room. Yes, it was too bad, Don. What could I do? Well, uh, frankly, you should have consulted me. You mean you have the answer? Right. You should have put Jack in a breakfast room. Well, well, that never occurred to me. Next time I will. And with a great big bowl of Molly-rich Toasty Brown Grape Nuts Flakes. Why, of course, that goes without saying. And you know grape nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal, chuck full of all-around whole grain nourishment. One type of nourishment nutrition experts say we need every day. And delicate Toasty Brown Grape Nuts Flakes taste so swell everybody goes for them. They have a Molly-rich flavor, a crisp, distinctive texture that makes them tops for breakfast pleasure. So, friends, if you always want to be able to get a hotel room, eat a good breakfast, do a better job, and make tempting sweet as a nut grape nuts flakes your favorite dish. I want to thank Captain Champion, Commander Walker, Lieutenant Tyser, and all the men here at the Livermore Naval Air Station for another swell day. And now just another word. President Roosevelt, in a recent statement, urged every young American who will be a high school graduate by July 1st to investigate the Army and Navy reserve program immediately. It is of the greatest importance to the nation that as many as possible take the March 15th examination. For those who properly qualify in this age group, the Enlisted Reserve Program provides the best possible opportunity for them to serve their country. These tests will be held in your local high school at 9 o'clock Wednesday morning, March 15th. Thank you and good night. Oh, hi dear grocer mother, get hot grape nut sweet meal and say it's so tempting, so hot.