 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, men go through this, this, this, before they're ready for love. They go through this. All right, really quickly before we get started, if after this video this content resonates with you and you'd like to explore maybe talking to me directly, schedule a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, let's talk about what they go through this, this, before they're ready for love. So, I want to share really quickly for the audience, if you're brand new to my channel, is after turning 40 in 2005 and going through a divorce, I found myself back out in the dating realm. And I, because I was in an unhappy marriage, I wanted to fill the void as soon as possible, so I went on and did something called online dating. And in one year I had over 100 internet dates. I'm not very proud of it. Well, I'm laughing about it. What I recognized, there was a lot of dysfunctionality in my life and after 100 internet dates, I realized that the biggest problem was not the women I was dating, the problem was me. And the movie The Secret came out at that time and I go, wow, this resonates with me. You know, personal development, self-help, spiritual work. And I began a deep dive of doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Now, let me be candid with you. I was a train wreck after my divorce. I had a contentious divorce. I was addicted to the high of dating. I was chasing women. You know, I was on the hunt or chase because I wanted sex and I wasn't capable of being in a relationship, so there was a lot of dysfunctionality in my life. And what's interesting is I turned that dysfunctionality into a business and what I mean to say is in the process of dating and the experiences of dating and also doing personal development work along the way I was preparing myself for my now vocation as a dating and relationship coach. And along the way I've met some great teachers and one of which I want to share with you today and that teacher is a woman by the name of Allison Armstrong. And here's a picture with me and Allison about five years ago. I was very grateful to be invited as a guest to several of her workshops It's called the PACS program and she teaches women. She helps women to understand men and she wrote an amazing book called the Queens Code. The Queens Code and if you're not familiar with it, please check it out. I have a link below to all my recommended books. And again, I was grateful that she invited me to this. In fact, she even got up to the audience and said, I rarely endorse a dating coach but this is a man I endorse. So I'm very grateful for that. But what she talks about and that leans into our conversation today, leaning in. You know how big I am on leaning in. She talks about what men go through is the tunnel, the tunnel, the tunnel, the tunnel, the tunnel. And as I look at my own life, I didn't realize that I was going through this tunnel and this tunnel is very much like the hero's journey that Joseph Campbell talks about. And for me, my tunnel was a lot of healing from my dysfunctionality, healing from my childhood wounds and traumas. It included a significant amount of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So I created a pie chart here of the tunnel and what it kind of looks like, what you may want to. And this kind of piggy backs on a previous pie chart I did. But there's 10%, 10%, 40%, and 40%. So I want to start off by saying 10% of the male population, once they get in the tunnel, they, matter of fact, they don't even enter into the tunnel. Let me even say it that way. They don't even enter into the tunnel. About 90% of the men do. Now for 40% of them, they are stuck in the tunnel and that is their wounds and traumas are so, both childhood wounds and traumas and adult wounds and traumas have them so incapable of actually loving on themselves that they're truly incapable of loving another. They're incapable of loving on themselves or they're incapable of loving another. In fact, they lack emotional maturity. And if you're not familiar with emotional maturity, check out my videos on emotional maturity. I talk about it frequently. So they lack that capacity. But as we get into that next 40%, there's the 10% that don't go in. There's the 40% that are stuck there and they're incapable. Then there's the next 40% who are the men that are beginning to evolve. They're doing some work on themselves. It might be therapy. It might be personal development work. It might be spiritual work, much like what I did when I was in the tunnel. Now what happens when men are in the tunnel, if they're in that, again, 10% aren't even going to join in. These are incredibly dysfunctional men in relationship. They are so stuck in their wounds that they're incapable of moving forward. And you see the signs very early. You see the signs very early. In fact, in my private coaching program, I do a deep dive to help you recognize emotionally available men versus the men who are emotionally unavailable. Again, if you want some assistance, check out the link to schedule a free discovery call to learn about how I teach this. But they move from that 40% that's stuck. I want to talk about that 40% that's moving out of it. These are people that are progressively moving forward. They might act a little wishy-washy at times. They might act hot and cold at times. They might pull away a little bit at times. But these are men who are going to lean into relationship. They are going to lean into relationship. I'm going to give you the secret of how they're going to lean in. Or not how they're going to lean in, but what it takes for them to lean in. But then there's that 10%. I feel like that's where I'm at in my life. I'm in that 10%. I've done a ton of work. I've gone through a lot of trauma. You guys know I lost my son Connor. I did drugs and alcohol when I was younger, when I was real deep in the tunnel. And then what really helped me get to that 10% is when I wrote my book What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway. This was like the keystone for me. Because when I really did a deep dive of loving myself, which included doing the Hoffman process and the insight program. This book teaches the journey that I went through. At the end I list all the different materials I went through to get to where I'm at today, to be out of the tunnel. I'm out of the tunnel. But most likely you're going to meet men that are in the tunnel and you want to differentiate between the men that are in that 40% that are got a long way to go versus that 40% that are going to move out of it. And there's only one key factor you need to know about this. For the guys that are in the 40% getting out of the tunnel, here's the thing, and this is the keystone. When they are fully committed to you, they're going to achieve that loving experience with you when they're fully committed to you. Because if they're not fully committed, then they're in that other 40% that's wishy-washy. If you're constantly analyzing the relationship, if you're constantly doubting it or second guessing, then it's probably, he's got a long way to go before he ever gets out of the tunnel. And by the way, I was in it for over 10 years, close to 13 years. It took me that long to go through that process. Some men do it quickly, but some men get in and they never get out, and some men are getting close to the end of the tunnel. And it's okay to date a guy that's close to the end of the tunnel, but he's fully committed to you. His actions demonstrate it. His actions demonstrate that he's in. He may not be a perfect guy, but he's willing to make the effort because he's into you. And I know it's kind of cliche to talk about the book. Is he just that into you? But ultimately, the guys that are into you are willing to do the work with you. So here's my invitation for you, because this is really the key point. When you talk about the relationship with him and you say, I want this relationship to work out, I want to invest in it, are you willing to invest in it? And he says yes. Then start reading the books, like Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks, by reading the book Attached. By reading the book Attached. And then the Keystone book here is the book Eight Dates. Don't be afraid to ask a guy to read these books with you, because if he's reading the books and he's willing, he's already likes you enough to say, I'm willing to invest in the relationship. And the men who reject investing in the relationship and put it off, they're so far at the end of the tunnel. They're capable of companionship. They're capable of connection. They're capable of sex. But that's as far as they go. They can't jump into teamwork. And a team is someone who co-creates the relationship together. So ladies, you have a choice. You can sit back and hope that he's going to... Oh, God, I got... That's embarrassing. I've got these... The lighting here gets me kind of hot. Oh, no. Oh, by the way, it's a pink shirt to demonstrate love. But to really determine if he's ready for love, it's because he's going to lean in with you. You don't have to do the leaning back to hope that he chases you, because that's not love. That's merely he likes you and he has attached to you, but that doesn't... A man who loves you is going to want to co-create a relationship with you. So it's incumbent upon you to introduce these books to that 40%er guy, because he already is into you. He's willing to do the work. The guy who isn't willing to do the work, he's so far back in the tunnel that it's a waste of your time. Trust me on this. And by the way, if you've experienced a guy that you've wasted your time, please post a comment below. By the way, if this resonates with you, tell me why this is... Listen, I know this works. I want you to tell me why this works. Write a comment below why you believe that this is the better way, the more effective way to approach a relationship than this whole leaning back and hoping that he gets out of the tunnel because that's all you're doing. And he isn't if he doesn't do the work with you. And that's my invitation for you. Ah, I'm shaking right now. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. If you bought any of these books, please post a comment below. Tell me what you think of them. And if you feel like you want to go to the next level, but you can't afford it, check out my link to my VIP group called Midlife Love Mastery to see if you'd have daily access to me through a forum that we have on Facebook as well as a once a month webinar. All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big, gigantic Johnathan Bear hug of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch and wishing you a fabulous day. Bye-bye now.