 As-salamu alaikum and welcome to Making a House a Home with myself Sana Araji and our guest Fahima Muhammad, a qualified life coach and an NLP practitioner, As-salamu alaikum Fahima. Alaykum Sana. Now today we're going to be discussing the topic around respect, manners and discipline, how we can implement it in the home and how we can maintain it. Can you just discuss a little bit about the topic for us? Yeah, I'd like to start off by saying what Allah SWT says regarding our Prophet peace be upon him and the family and I think it's really important because this highlights how we need to live and we are definitely capable and these are the examples that we need to learn from. So he says that by the mercy of Allah our Prophet peace be upon him and his family was mildly mannered with the people around him and if he had been ill mannered or hard hearted then they wouldn't have deserted him. So that alone shows that his characteristics and his virtues even before Prophethood was of a particular way that actually gained him the success that he was required in having people's trust in him and having people turn to him and like him and even come towards him because of his mannerism even when he was faced with challenges and even enemies or whoever they may have been he always kept to those characteristics and traits and that's what we need to learn that regardless of our situations these things are really important to have within us and yes times of change and interpretations have been differently evolved but at the same time those things are really important which we are forgetting and we are taking for granted. And also Imam Sadiq al-Islam that there are four characteristics from the manners of our Prophet peace be upon him and his family and that was righteousness, graciousness, and perseverance in tolerating misfortunes and that rises the rights of the believer and elevates them. And I think it's really important that we need to instill that with us and within ourselves in this day and age more importantly because we forget. We take people for granted, we are in a mundane way of living and we just sometimes forget ourselves as to how we behave. And Imam Sadiq al-Islam also says that the prayer of the night so Salat al-Leh, the night prayer beautifies not just the face but it also beautifies and you know sort of upheld your manners and it also freshens you know your breath and at the same time it increases sustenance and it repels sorrows and strengthens your sight. So these things are really important and even though we feel that yes we are you know quite well-mannered and we have discipline and respect but we need to check ourselves because we need to see how other people's response to us are. And when we're in a family especially living over so many you know months and years and through so many different you know struggles and things that we have to come across you know we can take people for granted and it's so funny how when we are in our homes we can actually mistreat someone without realizing it but when we're outside we will think twice but actually the home is the thing that needs to be really really set in place and really important because those are the people that have you know support and are actually relying on you or you're relying on them or you know they need that you know sort of way of being so that they can actually have a good day. It's something as simple as that. To build the foundations at home and to maintain it and to help them I guess like you're saying to have a nice day and to maintain those good values and achlag is very important. Yeah everyone's looking for happiness and they're looking for fulfillment and you know if we have a partner or we have families and when we come outside the house and we don't have that love and that support or the kindness even from the household then you know it actually does sometimes reflect on the treatment how we are with other people and or it could be the opposite because we don't get at home we'll treat someone else outside really well but we don't bring it to ourselves you know in the house so there's many ways of looking at it and you know the reason why I raised this topic is because it's just taken so likely now when actually you know if you were to just have respect between each other then that can really distinguish anything that's about to come and happen which is even something that you know there's going to be problem oh they're not going to like something but having that respect when you're talking to anyone whether it's your sibling whether it's your parent whether it's a parent even talking to the child yeah you showing your child respect even in Islam it says you have to show respect in order to receive respect psychologists say the same thing you know it's not just that's why I'm bringing the psychology into Islam because whatever Islam says you know modern day psychology is saying that well we're just not reading it and we think that religion is backward and you know it doesn't really it's not relevant to our days in life but I'm showing how it really correlates how it integrates and how it actually is quite similar yeah subhanallah and we have the best of role models being followers of the Hilal Bayt alaihum salam we you know we can look to them and we can adapt like you're saying the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wa alaihi and he had so many good attributes he was the trustworthy the righteous and also his offspring had had that you know similar attributes about them but you know going back to what you were saying about respect and manners one of the things that drew me to the Hilal Bayt to follow the Hilal Bayt alaihum salam was the akhlaq of my husband and if he wasn't a certain way I wouldn't have divulged and gone to read about it because there were certain things that I was seeing that oh my goodness like how could an individual be like this and then when I would read into it I think well the Hilal Bayt alaihum salam was so generous was so kind was so righteous their akhlaq was heavenly absolutely and so when you when you think about this we have a duty as Shia Muslims followers of the Hilal Bayt to maintain that manners and respect and discipline because that will draw people towards us definitely as it did with myself and I know many others as well absolutely the imams were the perfect examples even through adversity even through you know when they were in prison you know the guards befriended them you know there's so many stories that actually say this because of the way in which they treat us we would be like oh you know they they hate us and you know they put us in this position and we got to give the same treatment back and you know in this day and age it happens even between you know family members if someone says something bad or you know towards one another the only way we want to do is respond by retaliating and doing the same we don't want that to be said to us yet we find that it's okay to do the same to someone else and and we think somehow that makes us better just because we're responding in the same way that alone you know if you actually say it out loud it doesn't make sense it's really hard though it's not easy as humans especially now in this world how everything is about you know you're trying to up one someone you know basically you know or you know being better than someone else and trying to have the you know the better I don't know way of saying something to make someone else feel down or low if they've done it to you but by showing kindness by showing mercy by showing understanding and compassion and even empathy towards the other side even when they hurt you that shows so much more that you they can't respond to that by the way if you it's very easy for each other to just start arguing and say the same things but when one is actually saying something to you which is not necessarily nice and the respondent is actually being you know you know sort of like patient listening and actually not even responding or if they do respond they respond with kindness and understanding the other person has to stop they can't continue so you actually teaching you actually leading and you actually in control because you're not falling into the way of which they're thinking and the and you're not actually taking it personal either you're just letting them you know have what they need to say but you know this is again it's a habit it's a psychology as well as to how in which you take someone who is going to come and approach you in a negative way how do you deal and respond with that a lot of the times even children don't know which is very obvious but adults don't even know if anything they just take it so personally and even if even if it is personal you don't need to allow it to attack you in that way you are in control we don't realize the control we have but you know our Islam and you know our teachers like our preferred peace be upon men and the family and the imams has shown us extreme examples of when they were in situations that they could deal with it and how they're persuaded and turn people from even the worst characteristics to the best because of their own manners so that is something that we need to consider and you know as humans we have got these unethical conducts which is part of our habits and traits and we think that you know basically you know it's it's fine to seek revenge it's fine to hurt someone because they've hurt us it's fine to boast about somebody there's so many things that we just don't realize we take for granted that you know we just do in our daily lives because this is how we see in the media this is how we see in you know these reality shows and this is how we are in we have to take into consider our environment and our surroundings in the way in which we live you know with everything around us which is outside the Islamic way that is influencing us but we need to always come back down to our religion to our ways that is actually the the way forward that's actually going to bring us success yeah and bearing in mind whilst you're doing these things your children are watching yes they're monitoring they they can see they they're so observant from such a young age yes absolutely they may start have you know start having those disrespectful attributes towards their siblings or their friends or even to their parents so we need to be very careful what we say around the children with other people how we treat family members making sure that we try to withhold the roots of the manners and the discipline and the respect in the household inside the household and outside the household we to understand what we give meaning to when it comes to manners respect and discipline because just like wearing hijab I had a show on the topic about hijab and one of the main things that you know is translated you know and the meaning of hijab it's not necessarily the outward garment it's the akhlaq and it's for everyone it's the manners you know and that's what makes hijab at the end of the day we need to take that consideration and when you come across you know men and women who may even dress in that particular way what comes out of their mouth what comes out of them you know because that obviously is from their thoughts and in their actions that is so contradictory to how they look and I come across people coming to me complaints all the times or you know I face with these challenges myself you know you speak the arabic language you do your salah you go to hajj you use the ara you give your charity you fast you know you and you know go to majalis in muharam but then you're faced with a human that's going through something and yet you want to either break a friendship or you want to cause you know problems or you want to speak bad about them and you want to you know I don't know whatever it may be but you know to me that's not religion to me that's not respect manners and you can take all of that on or off it doesn't make sense to what we stand for we need to be genuine and congruent and authentic to what we believe in so what is it that we believe in we need to question ourselves and that needs to be relayed and represented in our daily actions especially with people that we were faced with that we don't even like that we don't even want near us but do we actually cause more issues and problems because of that that's lack of knowledge lack of education really basic education because even a child will know you know when you actually speak to children they see it for how it really is but we manipulate it to make it our own just so that we feel good about treating someone badly because we've given ourselves a meaning and a reason but actually there's no reason and meaning to do any of that it's just humanity even humanitarian ways of looking at life as being good and kind and decent to another human being regardless yeah and our religion even emphasizes that even more so manners is something that you know makes people like you mentioned earlier it's you know it draws them towards you in business your family your friends everything and it actually you know sets the actions and your destiny and when you're working in a team you don't have to stand out being arrogant and you don't have to be the most you know loud and you know outwardly spoken personality but just you being a particular way will draw the team towards you you will be able to have that influence if you know how and you be smart about it we don't realize the power within manners being disciplined we always say as well you know with us we don't have control we don't have that discipline even for ourselves let alone we're teaching it to our children discipline is so important and yes it's mundane yes it has to be also militant but that sets the standard that sets the level as to how we're going to move through our next stages and evolve and grow when we are put in a particular way when you look at even you know in the military or you know in schools or anything in you know in companies they have set rules which everyone has to follow in every country there are laws that we have to follow so we have laws and rules within our religion that's so specific and set for our benefit which is also highlighted and it elevates us in so many ways physically mentally our soul you know everything inside and out ourselves so then why don't we actually use that between each other you know with our families especially in our homes very true like you said we can have the most beautiful physical haja but we can have the most obvious soul and intention and it shows it shows and it shows like you said and I was going to mention with regards to manners and respect now there are people from different cultures different backgrounds that have certain ways about them and some people can get offended but that is just how it is in their country yeah of course yes this is also an issue that I've heard a few friends they've had experience from with certain people from certain countries and they think oh that's Abe that's that's rude why would they say that in such a way but they're abrupt like that because it's normal in their country with their spouse with their children it's their way of life so we also need to consider the differences among us even if you don't have understanding um and you don't have awareness but we live in a world which yes it's huge but actually it's quite close you know travel is really wide uh we can google stuff and we can see stuff and living in a western country like this you have people from all over the world in one setting and you may not even you know integrate with them but you will hear or you'll see that yes there are differences in cultural manners and discipline and respect and yes it is it does differ between certain people like some people will you know be more polite and for others it won't be and it's normal and others will take it offensively but you know having that understanding and not being judgmental can actually help you deal with this but in the end even if we think oh yes we're so well-mannered and our kids are so well mannered don't be boastful about it don't be high you know on your high horse about it you know understand that other people's you know education knowledge and learning is for that level for their you know surroundings at that moment in time so just be understanding and do not judge them for it if anything you can question around it as to how things are you know what is it like you know in their environment or learn about it you know a lot of these things are things that you can find out even on you know on the net it doesn't really matter as to certain cultures how they behave so and educate your children as well because they obviously are influenced by the friends that they're around and sometimes they can or they cannot help it so they don't pick up on these things that we don't necessarily follow so your home has to be solid so that you know you don't get scared as to what your children are exposed to it doesn't mean you've got to keep them only with the same click with the same group with the same cultures constantly constantly constantly they can go out and they can mix and mingle and they can be the influence because their way is the best way because that's what you've instilled in them and that's what they follow and they will see the results from it which will show that not just by speaking it and say oh well my way is it's the way in which like you said you were attracted by a certain way you know because that was attractive to you the manners you know so if we have to build that within ourselves and people see it and it's so easy even just sitting silently just the way in which you sit silently silently can make a huge difference and people don't realize that yeah definitely and it's so important like you're saying if it could attract people towards ehlul bayt alayhum salam just imagine if every person was doing that how many people would become come drawn they will ask questions you know I have friends who you know will come and question me about certain things and I guess the who are not from the ehlul bayt alayhum salam but they're so intrigued whereas there are other people from other schools of thoughts if I go and ask them questions in a very polite way they will be quite shut down and they'll be quite rude and I think well hang on I'm just asking you a question in a polite manner come on show me a bit of respect so we have these issues that are among on school runs with other mothers even in the workplace among men it's so common it is common but you know again we need to understand you know not just our beliefs and to do the rituals as we do year in year out we need to represent it and you represent it in your behavior in your conduct and with that comes the manners the respect and the discipline so that's what I'm trying to highlight don't just say your followers followers of the ehlul bayt and you are a shia and you love imam alayhum salam and you know the rest of the imams when you yourself cannot have a nice word to say when you come home or you do not talk properly to any individual especially in your home because that does not represent what you say you love and you believe in now that's what's really important you gotta be congruent you have to be real about who you are and be it yes it's tough we have days that we don't even like our partners but we still gotta show them respect you know we have to admit that you know we have troubles and you know a household is the most important thing we know that in Islam the home is really important but people are just so they're not strong they're not you know resilient and they give up and they just want to leave as soon as there's a you know struggles and also any challenges that they face they want to run away from and they want to live life trying to avoid it being comfortable not wanting to get in between because it's family but what about what's right and what's wrong because remember you are going to be judged for that and you're going to be judged individually you have to stand up for what's right or wrong just like if even your own family member did something really unlawful and was faced in court yes you're going to support them yes you're going to be by them but you have to call them out on what is wrong and right you know and educate that but we don't do that just because you're a family member and a name doesn't mean you give all right to just you know do whatever it is and help them hurt someone else because you don't really you know want to get involved because that no people just want to be mediocre they want to live average lives you know and they're happy with you know going out every now and again and having a good time with their friends but at the same time they're not changing themselves they're not changing other people's lives because you know it's all about the self i'm okay my family's okay you know that's okay but you know what in order to progress in life that's where there's only three percent of people in this world who are top three percent okay and unfortunately it's only that small amount psychologists have said because you know they actually want to go out there and make a difference they want to go beyond boundaries even when it comes to their own family members they need to speak up and they need to talk about what's really right and wrong first and what's just and you know follow that within themselves and for the rest of the family inshallah thank you that's a good note to end out thank you very much Rahima and unfortunately we need to go for a break but inshallah we'll come back and we'll answer some of the viewers questions assalamu alaikum assalamu alaikum and welcome back to the second part of making a house a home where we've been discussing manners respect and discipline now we're going to answer some of the questions from the viewers inshallah if you can answer that for us for him our first viewer is Ammar and he says can you give a tip on how to instill respect between family members so despite differences in opinion the communication is civil without offense and respect is maintained well it's very simple in a sense to say that whatever you're going to vocalize whatever you're going to communicate make sure I mean it ma'am alaihi assalam has so many hadith that you can look on and the golden rule is you know say what you would like to be said to you do what you would like you know that you would want the responder to be towards you you know it's like putting yourself in a situation where you feel if you know if I wouldn't like being spoken to in that way if I wouldn't like those words being told to me even if I was wrong I want to be you know spoken to with respect you know because that's when you're going to listen to somebody even as parents when they are right if they're going to approach their child in a particular way is they're not going to get that in you know the response that they want they're not going to get that learning and the moral out of a story that they've done wrong if they don't approach it in the right way so you have to be careful and take yourself out of the situation if it's like in the moment and it's heated you know sometimes we want to deal with everything at that point we can't we need to go away sit back take time out reflect reflection is so important so that we don't just get heated in the moment you know to pause even they say in Islam you know when you're angry drink water do with all you know if you're standing sitting if you're sitting lay down all of these things help and we don't we don't practice that we definitely don't if anyone comes to us we pounce back straight away and we do it within seconds but that's really really dangerous and if we don't have control over ourselves how do we expect to even influence and teach and even have anyone else respect us it's very difficult yes it is but it's a habit that I work with people that they can actually manage their anger they can manage their stress levels they can manage having control over situations that is like challenging over situations that is overbearing you know over situations that they're not happy with over situations that you know is really like pushing them to their limits and boundaries and taking them out of their comfort zone all of these things especially in our P you know neuro linguistic programming it really helps individuals cope with a lot of these things and this is everyday life challenges that you know as individuals we ignore we think you know there's no rule book as to how to live and be and you know and how to create in a particular way but actually there is in psychology and in our religion but we're not reading it correctly and we're not interpreting it in the right way and we're using it as to what's halal what's haram what's lawful what's not and what's supposed to be done on what's not but how to engage with people how to maintain with people good relationships how to treat people so that you actually become that influence you become that voice that you know that learning that teacher we need to all be all of this we need to be leaders we need to be masters in our in our field not just professionally but in our households how wonderful is that if we actually aspire to do these things but we don't we're getting married having fun having a partner yes we can go out we can have freedom we have that and then all of a sudden when the honeymoon period is over over years we get bored and things change and people evolve separately and they go this separate life oh it doesn't work for me so you know we need to move on or we cannot deal and if challenges happens in the family oh you know they're just being unreasonable or you know they're not listening to my point of view no why are you judging someone else you be that change you be that someone that you want to hear in someone else practice it yourself you know have family meetings you know talk about these things openly as to you know what that's not respect what is your meaning of respect we also have an idea in like language we all have we speak in metaphors for example you know there is light at the end of the tunnel for me it means one thing for you it means something else don't just assume yeah find out what exactly does it mean to you to have manners and respect because we assume there's one way of speaking but actually there's you know there's several ways of interpreting it so you've got to understand each other and over time that even changes so your families are changing you know different things affect them what affected you know me last year the year before it's not going to affect me the same now you're going to learn about each other constantly in your family we're going we're living together constantly but we having separate lives you know going to school going to work having different influences having different people and friends around us constantly and we're changing in that time but when we come home we don't share that so that conversation and that learning about how each other you know is evolving is not being shared so that we don't know each other even though we've lived for years and that's where the problem is yeah and would you say for example if a discussion between family members gets a bit heated with drawing yourself from the discussion perhaps going doing some breathing techniques mind absolutely calming yourself down so that you can think clear when you're reacting to them instead of just abruptly and out of anger and revenge absolutely and not just that we need to be more logical thinkers a lot of the times we roll with our emotions especially as women and I know that and you know there is a difference between men and women and we can get heated up and also with certain cultures as expectation you got to understand and lower your expectation and you're going to be more merciful towards each other you need to be more lovable and kind even when you that person is being horrible to you and do not go with your emotion initially yes say what you have done has made me feel this way not you have caused or you you know i am feeling this way there's a way in which you talk which makes yourself out of that situation and you're not actually also blaming the other person for their entire personality when they've said one or two things because that's not all them that's the other thing we will have some disagreements and there are moments in life where we are going to disagree but then we create that person as being a whole on that particular one thing that they've said for example you know if someone said something bad to me i'm gonna you know elevate that to say that's that whole person in that way of being and they're not it's just in that moment but then we take it so personal and we become so emotional instead of being logical and say they said this at that time for this let me take responsibility as well as to why they came across to that way of thinking being and behaving and speaking to make them feel like that what is it that i did when you do it like that it is so different and even if they were wrong but you are dressing in that particular way makes it balance makes it fair and just and you also come in closer you know they take in a step and you're taking a step and you both come and believe me that alone it actually awakens someone else up even when they heat it it cools them down yeah and she'll and she'll and i guess that's why they say having a third party who is non but who's not biased who doesn't have an emotional attachment to either one would think more logically and clearly and unfortunately it doesn't really happen though with members of families that's the thing that's why coaching is so necessary because it's non directive it's non-biased and judgmental and we are outside as coming in purely for the sake of you know what needs to be without any direction as to which family member feels a particular way or has some you know insight information from the past which can influence you know in the way in which of thinking and being we just enter a situation we solve it without having to know the past not even like counselors because counseling goes into the past coaching doesn't do that it's for the moment there and then and i think coaching to even you know coming together when we do have some deep rooted problems within family members that they don't even talk to their own brothers and sisters for years or they've split up you know cousins and relatives and that is so wrong in in a way of living to go forward so you know it can actually help to seek some outside help which is really going to be you know useful and vital to you okay thank you very much inshallah that helps our dear brother Ammar and the second viewer we have is Sarah and her question is what are the best ways of teaching siblings to uphold respect between each other so they will actually display this amongst them yes again you know as parents we have to show it ourselves as how we treat each other and like you said before they also replicate what they see so if they see parents not speaking to each other you know spouses between the mom and dad not speaking you know in a respectful way then they sort of relay that with each other but on the other hand you know even when children do you see the respect around them they will just use what they need to use because they're experimenting and they get heated and they're just learning and they're different stages and phases and you need to guide them and support them as to the outcome because you know we all have freedom of choice even as children you know you can tell them whatever you want to tell them but they will choose what they need to do but what you need to advise them is not just about the freedom of choice but the consequences of those choices that they make so being a particular way this is what it leads to you know and being a particular way this is what it benefits to you need to educate them you need to become again coaching parents i'll probably hear them say that constantly but when you have that awareness of how to teach how to influence and a lot of the times being a parent is not about just giving information it's about influencing them you have to be a leader in your family and leadership is not being authoritative it's about being a particular way yourself and attracting and being inviting to whoever's around you in that household especially your children so that they actually come to you and look at you as a role model so it's a big responsibility it is also a very much a skill and a talent don't take it like me that just because you're a for certain age you can get married you can have kids and job done no it is a skill it's a talent and if you want to do being successful you need to learn those skills and the techniques and those strategies so that you can actually perform in the way you need to and get the results so you know advise them as to what are the consequences look at different examples you know see how other people have done it and you know if they've done it in the wrong way this is what happens and I'm sure the kids themselves have seen it and its repetition its practice is you constantly even reminding them showing them in various ways and they themselves don't like to be you know treated as if they were treated badly so you know if they were treating someone else badly so you know it's the same thing it's reverse psychology as to whether or not you know they would like to be treated in that way so why are they treating that and also to bring about the fact that family relationships are so important that even though people love their friends that blood relative is so powerful not to say that you cannot have family outside because we choose our friends and they become family but at the same time when you are in a family you know you need to create that bond say you two are together when mom and Bubba is not here in the house or wherever it may be you two need to build that security so you can rely on each other not just as children but when you become teenagers and adults and that's the first point of contact first point of friendship you know you have these sort of ways of talking with your children so that they actually understand what they've got what the value is of having a brother or a sister it's not just someone else another member that's just popped up one day and they've got to deal with it no it's extra strength it's extra support it's another real best friend who's going to be there to support you no matter what so build that friendship obviously children depending on ages children generally do fight and they they have yeah you got to allow it too yeah they you got to allow it as well but at the same time but not to the extent where it becomes a habit because slowly you got to wind them you know win them out of it too because you know don't just also be like blasé about it and say oh well you know kids fight do this do that because in the end they're going to end up doing that as adults and then the serious and it has happened brothers fight you know fist fight i've had stories of this where they do not have the respect for another and they do actually have these sort of you know relationships which is really toxic and the parents have no control because now they're adults and they're carrying on this way and they separate from each other they won't talk to each other they won't sit with each other they won't mingle in that way they won't have a family you know sort of setting because from a young age it was taken lightly and now they've carried it forward into you know adulthood so you don't got to know when to put that block and to be honest even though yes kids fight and argue but again if you can still that manners and respect it will wind down where it does not you know elevate and escalate into something which is normal because it's not yeah inshallah thank you for that and inshallah hopefully that helps our dear sister sarah and the next viewer we have is sad and the the question he's asking is some cultures do have their own ways of behaving and these customs are practiced for generations and causes offense in some cases like if a practicing Muslim woman refuses to shake a man's hand in a work environment and then it can be seen as quite rude how can one act on the principles of Islam and today's western society this is a very common yes even i've had issues with this i'm sure a lot of Muslim women and how would you deal with something like that to be honest the first time i i just shook hands because i didn't know what to do okay then gradually the second time i kind of just became a bit withdrawn and put my hands down and just kind of nodded my head and then i think when it started to get more repetitive i would then say to them do you know i i would politely say to them like i'm not being disrespectful or rude but just part of my belief is that i'm not part of my belief and i'm not comfortable with just shaking hands with the opposite sex that was difficult for me to say because me myself i found that really rude because i'm thinking well they don't understand the religion how can you like how can you let them know without them thinking that Islam is a sexist religion because automatically they think oh well women don't have rights okay just hearing to you speak now i feel like i'm in a coaching session right now go ahead but to be honest firstly you got to be confident about what you believe in and yes even though you are trying to understand how it may come across to somebody else but if you are confident into what you believe in and you bring that across and of course there's different situations and scenarios and it will differ but in this particular one say for example if you're at work you know you're going to be approaching that every single day and you know if you're going for an interview you can always find out you know is it going to be male or female that's going to be interviewing me if it's a male say look i don't want to be rude but can you inform the interviewer you know there's so many steps you can take that you know i am from this culture i'm from this background and i don't want to be rude to him but you know i will not be shaking hands or if you feel that you cannot do that you're not brave enough to do that then you know you can wear gloves you can you know do whatever you want but you got to be prepared and you got to be strong and even though you know it may come across as rude you got to be confident to show them that it is not rude that i'm being because sometimes you feeling a particular way can make the other person feel it that again is psychology you got to be so tough in your mind no matter what you do and how you see yourself because people see you as you see yourself so as you were talking you were really you know like sort of making yourself feel a little bit ashamed and you know embarrassed and a little bit held back and that person can feel those vibes and that aura so in a way it's like are you really sure that you believe what you believe in or is it just you being forced that's what we always told that we are oppressed because we're not coming across like as if no this is me i choose not to do that you know i don't want to do that i'm going to come across to you with respect and i'm going to respect you probably more than anyone else and that handshake would not mean nothing you know but it shows that i actually respect you more because i'm keeping my distance and you know in the workplace it's the most understandable thing right now because you know how with everything that's happening with men and women and just one bad look they can go into hr and complain so if anything you're doing them a favor okay but you're expressing in a particular way makes you that individual that stands out and you don't need to feel guilty you don't need to feel anything so you got to be confident yourself you know matter what you say or do but you got to believe it because people can tell in your voice that energy you put out there is so important especially us as women wearing hijab it doesn't matter what you wear what comes out of here because it's over there first that relates a different story because i know i said in many settings people are you know look at me in a sense more face whatever it may be but when i speak it's powerful because your belief is powerful because your passion is genuine and it's strong and that only comes from you actually believing what it is that you're doing is right so that you don't even believe it for yourself you actually convince them now that's the difference and that is something which we need to do with everything and every stage in our lives and if each individual was to carry that forward i think we'll be in a different world we don't need to have to approve ourselves or you know explain it in a particular way for approval we're just doing it because this is me you're going to do what you're going to do and that's you and that's perfectly okay too and that's how you got to come across yes we got to consider other people's ways but not because it's going to change our way of being no we are showing you know what we represent we are showing there's a reason and a meaning behind it not just beneficial for me but beneficial beneficial for you too you know to have that distance to have that so if anything was to even come out later on so well there's definitely never going to be any contact between us there's not going to be any issues like that we're going to concentrate on our work and we're going to do our work because there's never going to be that line crossed ever you know i'm just giving examples as to how it can you know you know basically carry forward because of it starts with you having that strength and belief in what exactly that you actually are doing and you transfer that in many ways inshallah thank you and i guess don't sacrifice your values and your belief for the sake of pleasing other people absolutely hold on to it and and be confident absolutely inshallah hopefully that helps us a lot of sisters because i know that is a bit of an issue with some sisters they do find that a bit difficult but inshallah that with your advice that should help them and our final viewer is manar and the question they are asking is kindly explain ways to deal with children and teenagers who now view respect in a different way and think that it is okay to answer back for example so how can this kind of behavior be changed that is a very good question and we are living in an epidemic you know we having to face an epidemic where we have insecure parenting because it's all about you know how the children feel which is great you know we need to consider that and they're becoming more expressive but that's actually taking over the fact that we have less control again we're not confident as to what our rights are as parents and the reasons why we have these rights upon them just like how they have the rights upon us and the rights we have as parents is to make sure that they are brought up in a particular way for their future and that will entail being disciplined having manners having respect having to conform to certain rules and regulations in that household before you go out and play before you go and do certain things before you even get a reward and we have an issue now because a lot of moms and you know are working and they have that guilt because i'm not in the home then when we come home they can just let loose and be free and do what they want because that makes us feel good because we weren't there you don't need to be there but even if you're not there you give them quality time if you plan it and manage it well but you still have a responsibility to bring them up with these strict rules and regulations and don't be afraid to use that because if you are you know when they're young it's okay when they get older you lost you have no control they're not going to listen to you so you've got to bring that up really strong and strictly from a young age if possible or even if you're just starting now and you've let go say listen we're changing things now i'm seeing that it's not working for us it's not working for you you're not you know studying or you're not you know getting the best out of your life i want you to have the best for you not even about me not to have say oh well i didn't have this and i don't know every day and age and every stage you know you can have the best life and quality but it sets it takes 10 years to be an overnight success you know that's how you got to talk to them it takes 10 years there's no such thing as you doing it from now so we're planning your future from now you be disciplined you be you know respectful you be honest you listen to your parents because sometimes you know they disregard the fact that we have the experience we've been through certain things yes times are moving things are modern but the same rituals are the same you don't work hard you don't do the work you don't actually you know put effort in you're not going to get the results it's not going to come to you like that so you need to be careful to know that you are a parent who is strong who is going to be someone who is gonna you know have that sort of like you know influence on your child you know where you can be someone that they look up to you know and yes they can express themselves but they express it with respect because they don't personally especially when i know with teenagers they all want respect my parents don't respect me my teachers don't respect me society doesn't respect me they look at me as a teenager and someone that's on the street that's a hoodie or whatever it may be why is that but you show them the respect and say well you'll get that respect if you are a particular way and i'm training you for it and these are the steps these are the stages don't be afraid to use it and yes it's tough yes it's not nice but you know what it's okay we need to sometimes also know that life you don't have to be motivated and driven in order to do something you just look got to do it but the results in the end will give you that reward we can't see all the results straight away like i said it takes 10 years to become successful it doesn't just happen like that you listen to all these role models even in celebrities who are basketball players footballers you know whatever celebrity would they come from you look beyond their story see who your child you know actually looks up to in this day and age in this world it may not even have to be a religious figure you know look at these people and if you look and listen to their stories it does come from hard work and they aspire to be footballers they aspire to be you know someone on tv or wherever it may be it doesn't just happen it's not just luck and even if it is luck like how you see on these you know reality shows those those locks don't last but if it's going to be lasting long is the hard work consistent hard work so you've got to strive to be that kind of parent that's going to show them that this is what life is really about and there's tough days there's some really tough days out there but you know what i'm there to support you and i'm going to give you that push and that kickstart that you need when you don't feel like it but you got to be on it and you got to be on point so this is how you got to talk and this is how you got to be and inshallah you know your children will respect you and they will also have respect as well for others around them and they will conform inshallah thank you so much for that fahima unfortunately again we've come to the end of the show for such a great topic and i really do hope the viewers have benefited from the discussion inshallah and you can implement it into your daily lives and we'll see you again for another episode of making a house a home assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh