 Hi lovers! Now you've heard this a thousand times and perhaps you're even guilty of saying this you damn self. Nice girl's finished last. Nice guy's finished last. So today I want to change the script once and for all. In my opinion it isn't that nice people finish last. It's that needy people finish last. An excessive niceness is actually a form of neediness. Needing people to like you. Needing to get along with others. Needing to avoid conflict at all costs even though conflict is a natural and healthy part of life. Next week I'm going to take some friends this really cool place to a jazz club. Oh my god I love jazz. It's so cool. Some nights they do salsa like the... I love salsas one too. And I love jazz. Are you into that um that genre of kingdoms and kings and knights and queens? Are you? Not first. Yeah me neither. What are you like your biggest pet peeves? Someone who's like a little passive aggressive I guess I don't like that. I agree yeah or like you know dramatic. Yeah I agree with that too. I don't like that. I like you know women who are kind and can be they're not just closed off and miserable. I feel the exact same way. I actually think those are my top three as well too. Right. Yeah. Now like many mammals humans are designed to live in close-knit interpersonal communities and these communities are built on many things like trust, reliability and dependency. So let's begin with trust. Now Washington State University did this study that found that people who acted excessively selfishly and those who act excessively generously were kind of viewed the same way. An experiment was carried out where a game was played and in this game people saw individual rewards and group rewards. The ones who went solely for individual rewards were seen as very selfish and people mistrusted them. By the same token the people who went truly for the group rewards they were also mistrusted because no one believed they could be that altruistic and it seemed like they were trying to prove a point that they were better than everyone else. Next let's discuss dependency in a healthy cooperation-based society. Everybody has and knows what their role is. We are attracted to those who need us because we probably need them in return. Reciprocity is a beautiful thing but when somebody needs a lot from us it makes us a little weary. Are they going to need more from me than I can give? When will their needing end? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa buddy back up I'm just barely getting through things myself here. In a competition-based existence this kind of person can come across as a dependent not as an asset an ally or as an equal. Now of course not all nice people are needy but if your niceness creeps into the realm of neediness this can be an issue and there actually is a psychological term for that. So today we want to talk about that dependent personality disorder a psychiatric condition where an individual is over reliant on somebody else to provide them with their emotional and physical needs and this leads to a submissive and clinging behavior and also that fear of separation. Finally let's move into reliability if someone is constantly bending compromising accommodating and complimenting us we learn pretty quickly that we can't rely on them for leadership and possibly even honesty yes people do love compliments and having an agreeable personality is the number one trait for determining the success of a long-term relationship but these two things in excess are not a good thing. For example compliments are only useful when they're directed in an area that we are actually proud of because arbitrary compliments show to us that someone is not listening paying attention and actually understanding us and second to that agreeableness is great but we can't forget one important thing the reason why we live in the world that we live in and a new iphone comes out every second or third weekend we're constantly developing is because of the fact that somebody is willing to say that's not good enough we challenge ourselves we grow the best we put ourselves in adverse conditions and the same goes when it comes to relationships so great things happen when great minds don't think alike you're a coffee person yeah a big coffee i'm a tea person that's why so we're kind of like cats and dogs right tomato tomorrow right no cats and dogs can we say i like to like incorporate a some level of psychology behind everything i'm saying and do ideally i think psychology is so bad it bad yeah it treats people like cattle so this is what this is what someone told me in LA as an italian man was like yeah in Toronto there's a lot of italians a lot of Italian restaurants no no it's a lie very i mean yeah i don't know who who said that i guess really true lady gaga do you like her uh yeah i mean she did a great job at the uh the halftime show i don't like her at all no no as you guys can see i didn't just research this topic i went out and tested it in person now studies show that if you go on a date with somebody and you agree the entire time they're going to feel a repulsion towards you on the flip side if you go on a date with somebody and you disagree the whole time they're going to be like i cannot stand this person for one more minute but here is the interesting thing if you disagree with everything someone says for the first half of the date and then agree with all they say for the second half of the date that person's going to feel very strong and warm towards you and feel like they've won you over i agree yeah there's something that i want to note here even though this experiment in particular went ridiculously well my advice to you guys out there is not to go out there and do this arbitrary half and half thing but it is definitely something to keep in mind especially for people who exist on either end of the extreme spectrum way too disagreeable which don't nobody like and way too agreeable and i know sometimes that can seem frustrating because we are told all our lives to be nice to be kind to be loving and it seems like as you get into adulthood people turn around and turn that into a negative thing there's another four letter acronym as opposed to that four letter word that i go by when it comes to good effective and kind communication i go by hail which is communication that is honest that is authentic that has integrity and that is done with love now if you do hail you don't have to be nice sometimes being kind or being cruel is actually the kindness standing up to somebody and i watch this really dope ted talk while i was prepping for this video this morning and it was from a guy who was like yo i am the stereotypical nice guy and when i was very honest with myself my niceness came from a fear of confrontation and a fear that people won't like me and as a result of that i found myself saying staying silent or nodding along to behavior from people that i didn't agree with you know he sat by while his grandparents made some racist comments heard some homophobic things and didn't stand up for people your integrity is extremely extremely important and if niceness rests underneath all those things bonus because that means when you do say something negative at the heart of it all good intentions come behind it and that is my final word for you guys if you want to watch how that date went down it was incredible actually one of my favorite episodes you guys have to go to full screen to watch please go to full screen to watch it's a way of supporting me and showing love for my content i did an original series on there which i could not have done on this youtube channel because of production value and the casting was way beyond my capabilities in essence i tried out 10 different dating and psychological experiments to see if they would work because i don't want to give you guys advice i haven't tested out there in the field it is funny it is educational it is relatable and it is available right now when you go to full dot sc slash shambhudi if you are an atnt customer you are in luck you get one year for free so this favor is like free 99 for you everybody else you also got a little bit of luck on your side as well too you get a one week free trial which means you can watch all of season one and over half of season two right now if you go and support much love to all of you guys be kind to each other speak with hail and hail to you