 I'm having lots and lots of resistances come up, and just lots and lots of conflict, and I'm not even sure where to begin, so I guess I'll begin with where the conflicts seem to come, where it started, where I felt it first. I was at a girlfriend yesterday, Kathy, and well I suppose it first started when I talked to Rhonda, because that's creating lots and lots of me going on, this whole thing of what she's doing, and it's really not about her, I'm looking at it from my own, with my own, from my own lots and lots of standpoint, but there's just lots going on, and one big thing going on in me is I keep wondering if it's the Holy Spirit guiding her or something else, you know, because it just seems to be too much of a struggle, it's not flowing. I know in my past when things were right for me to do, they flowed, doors opened and things just seemed to happen, and I'm feeling too much of a struggle, so I'm just wondering, but then again I just keep looking at it from my lessons, so anyway, I was at a girlfriend yesterday and we were cooking, and she was talking to me about all kinds of things and you've probably had this happen where you're in a conversation and somebody's talking to you and it's not relating, it doesn't make sense anymore, it's not relating and you're smiling, yeah, okay, I know, you know, and it's not relating, and so I just kept making lasagna and whatever, and then if I thought there was something that could have related, I would jump right in with some lesson or something and realize that that was threatening to her, you know, so I wasn't feeling comfortable there talking about the course, I wasn't feeling comfortable talking about life, I wasn't feeling comfortable talking about anything, so I kept making lasagna and then pretty soon I just told her how I was feeling about something and said, you know, so many things don't make sense anymore, you know, it's kind of hard for me, because I wanted to share with her, I don't want it to just be this group, I have a whole other group of people out there and I said, you know, it's kind of hard, she goes, what do you mean, oh, I know what brought it up too, she was bringing up a friend, it's a relationship she's had that's been up and down for a long time and this woman, she says, is insane and I just have to accept her for her insanity, Mary, but I don't want to get too close because, da-da-da, and I just said, Kath, I said, you know, in a way all of our relationships are insane and I said, and it's not that you don't get too close, it's that you love her deeper than what you're seeing and we start talking about that and I said, you know, I'm realizing that there are special relationships and there are holy relationships so we got onto that and she just went wild and she said, I don't understand that, what do you mean, of course we have special relationships, I love Josh, I look forward to retiring with Josh, I have a wonderful life with him and my kids are dear, what are you talking about, Mary, what are you talking about? And I said, Kathie, I shouldn't have said anything. I said, this is something that I've been going through in my group and I said, that's the part that most people have nervous breakdowns at is the special relationship part and I know that it's threatening to you and I should have even brought it up because I don't even understand it, you know, and so she goes, well I'm going to tell you something, that's crazy and if that's where you're going, you know, I don't know and I said, well you know, Kath, it might sound crazy but I said it's and I understand what you're saying and I have the same fear but I feel strongly that I need to go in this direction and I said and I hope that and I said, you know, and so I can see that there's certain things that I can't talk about and she goes, what do you mean you can't talk about them? I said, well maybe be better if we just kept the discussion on something and she goes, there's something you want to talk about, get it out there, don't be afraid, get it out there, what can't you talk about, what can't you tell me? So then I just started talking to her some more and she sat down and was very peaceful and then I start telling her about Rhonda and I said, you know, Kath, I said, you know, for example, there's a friend, I really want to talk about this but I was afraid of her judgments of Rhonda and her judgment, you know, because I mean, it's enough going out of my own mind and I just said, you know, I talked to her and I said, she's really struggling, I said, this is a person who I've known for almost eight years, she's a wonderful mother, Kathie, you know, it's like I had to defend her but I said, she is, she's got the two most beautiful children and a wonderful husband who's supporting her but she feels very strongly she needs to do this, she's going to be with us to study and she's leaving the kids for the summer and I'm just, you know, I'm just, believe me, I've had my own share of judgments but I keep thinking that she must be doing this, you know, for reasons. She goes, here, why would anybody do that? She goes, I understand you want to talk about the Holy Spirit but she should be able to do that in her own house. What does she have to come here for? Leave her family, create havoc. And I said, well, she's feeling drawn by the Holy Spirit, Kathie, and I said, you know, there's two forces going, the Holy Spirit and the ego and she goes, so tell me that's not the ego? She goes, she's struggling like that. She says, you know, when the Holy Spirit's worked with you in this, she's right. Everything's flowed and opened. You didn't have to struggle. You weren't having all these tears. I said, okay. I said, Kathie, but the ego's very strong and the ego says, Rhonda, you can't go there. You're a mother and you're, you know, I went through all this stuff but mind you, this is all my own lesson. I'm having this struggle. So we just sat and gave each other a hug and she said, whatever you're going through, I want you to know how much I love you. And she said, you can talk to me about anything. If you're having a fear about it, it's your own fear, Mary. And I said, I guess, Kathie, it's about clarity. I don't feel comfortable teaching you what I'm learning. I'm not clear enough. And when I'm clear enough, we can sit down and discuss it and I'll be able to talk to you about anything. But right now, I just can't, you know. And so I know none of this is making sense. But the fact that I can even sit in your kitchen and relate to you makes me feel good because I really want to still relate to you. So that was bad and we laughed and it was fine. And then this morning I woke up and I had more conflicts going on. And I started feeling about, you know, you guys coming to the house and oh, that's wonderful. But Steve's paying for the damn thing. And we're all sitting around enjoying it. And I'm feeling very guilty that I'm not going to have a job now, you know. And then I started thinking about Kristin, everybody moving in with Kristin. Here's her sleeping and, you know, trying to sleep during the day. And I started getting angry and wanted my garbage can to put some grievances in. And, you know, here's that whole thing. So that conflicted. And last night I was at a soccer game and my mother said to me, Mary, there's an opportunity opening up in cardiac rehab. And she said, we need somebody to come and counsel patients who are in cardiac rehab. Which is once a month, no big commitment, you know, da-da-da. And I just looked at her and it wasn't. And I said, Jane, you know, I'm trying to take a break. And she said, I know you are. But this is just once a month. It's no big commitment, you know. And then she tells me the head nurse wants to talk to me that they may need a nurse to come in. Just one, every once in a while to work. And it was becoming tempting. You see what I'm saying is becoming tempting. And it was becoming tempting not because it's in line with my purpose. But because I'm feeling very guilty about not helping with the finances. We have a very big year coming up and I don't feel comfortable putting it all on Steve. Even though he's saying take the break, I'm not feeling comfortable. So I thought maybe I go in Monday and just look at this and maybe it's just something just for that because a year and a half from now I have to be working regardless of whatever journey that's take I got to be working. So I'll just go. So that created conflict. So this morning I wake up and I'm not at all peaceful. And then I go start working on my class for tomorrow night. And I'm not at all peaceful because this class takes a lot out of me. And then I talked to one of my students and she says, you know, your class is my favorite class. I just love the class that it has to my ego start jumping. And Steve caught it right away. And he said, I'm married. This course is doing anything for you don't want to get into the trap of feeling good about a student saying that, you know, and all that. And so I said, you're right. So that was that. And then, you know, I started studying my course. And I start thinking about the laughing Jesus because all this is creating so much havoc that I just wanted to either laugh or cry. And I said, I really would like that picture of laughing Jesus. So as we're leaving, I'm leaving the house. I said, honey, I said, do you mind if there's a picture that I really wanted the laughing Jesus, I'll just put it in the study. I just want to hang it on the wall next to the floor. Nobody will see it. He goes, no pictures of Jesus in our house mirror. I'm sorry. She says, I cannot take that. And I said, I just something I want to do, you know, and he said, no, you know, he said that just really makes him feel uncomfortable. And, you know, that in the meantime, right before that, he told me how wonderful this course was and how it's taken me. But when I came to Jesus, that was it. So that created conflict with me. And I, I left feeling like I, you know, I don't know who I am and what I want. And then I start saying about these groups and how I'm doing this for him. And I'm doing this for the kids. And he says, you're not doing that for me or the kids, Mary, you're doing it for yourself. And he says, enjoy it. I want you to take some time for yourself. But believe me, by next September, you better be done, because I need your help. You're not doing this for anybody else but yourself. And I said, Steve, if I really wanted to have fun for myself, there's a lot of other things I'd be doing than going to these groups. And he goes, Mary, I don't care what you're doing. But believe me, I don't need you going to him. The kids don't need you going to him. Nobody cares. You're doing it for yourself. Okay. So I leave crying and I'm upset with him. And I told, and he says, if you care anything about me and the kids and our life together, he said, you know, the reality is, eventually you're going to be working. And he, you know, when I told him about this possible job, he's the one that said to me, look, you said, you want to time off, take the time off. But then there's this, you know, so I left there feeling bad. And then I felt bad that I created so much fear in him, because that's what it is. He's very fearful. Then I went out to lunch with another friend, Susan. And I just, we were talking and she just said, this is my very best friend in special relationship type things. And she said, Mary, she says, we're all very scared for you. She said, whatever you're doing, we just, she says, Steve, sorry, I relayed we're about Steve. And she said, Steve's very fearful. He's just like we are. We're afraid you're going to leave us. We're afraid wherever this is taking you, we're going to be left behind. And we love you. You know, we don't want you, she says, you have been the dearest person to me and I don't want you to leave me. Where is this table? And I'm sitting there at lunch with that. Susan, I have a fear that you guys are all going to leave me, because I'm going to stop making sense to anybody or relate to anybody. And she said, no, she says, we're nobody's going to leave you. We love you, you know. And she says, you have to trust yourself, Mary. Quit losing trust. Trust whatever you're doing, you're doing, don't worry about Steve, don't worry about us. Do what you're doing. If it takes five years, if it takes ten years, whatever it takes, do it, because we love you, give me a hug, you know. So I leave her with that. And I am just, I can't say anymore. I'm just totally conflicted. I'm totally wondering what, what's Holy Spirit, what's ego here? What am I supposed to be doing? Who am I? What am I? I do not feel comfortable traveling on some abstract journey and not helping out financially. I don't feel comfortable. I don't think it's right. And if I did get a divorce, because that seemed to be right, I'd be working for sure, because I wouldn't have any support. So it just does, nothing's making sense to me. This is not making sense. And I read, and the only thing making sense is, in my lesson today, it's said to keep thinking, because I'm still on in your defenselessness, your safety life. There's a part in there, there's just a little sentence, and it says, just remember I am here, and that's the only thing that's made any sense to me. Totally bad day. Bad hair day. Bad course day, whatever you want to go. That's good. There's a lot of things to look at and go into with that. Yeah, I think that we can just try to address a lot of that, because it brings a lot of things to the forefront. The basic thing that we keep talking about is that this world is insane, and that the only way that we'll ever be able to come to any kind of sanity is withdraw our minds from it. And consequently, it is commonplace when we start to even begin to withdraw our mind from it, that there seems to be an awful lot of witnesses that seem to be doubting, questioning, maybe seeming to even to be offered some support with some hooks or with some time frames on it. I'm supporting you now, and this is, I know what you're doing, it's just for yourself alone, and you've got this amount of time to do what you need to do, and then you got to plug back in. And I sense that there's something in your mind that's wondering, well, if I keep taking the steps, even in two or three months, if I let go of the way I've constructed the world, and this old way of thinking, that it may be too far gone. My mind might be, I don't know where, but it may be too far gone from where I think it is now to go back. You know, that's been the thing that I've talked when we talked with Rhonda a lot about, you know, Jesus says in a couple places, don't look back, because it's kind of like that story in the Bible where they, in the Old Testament where they tell the woman, you know, don't turn back or you'll turn into a pillar of salt, she just can't resist and looks back and then she's like frozen in an image and everything. To me, it's, I can relate to what you're saying because it's been those questions all along about the fear of where this was taking everything, but if this world that is the way I've constructed it is insane, it has specialness in it, it has all kinds of judgment and everything in it, then all the pain and all the struggle, it comes from my clinging to it, because it has to be, you know, even, of course,