 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better. Light up Lucky, it's light up time. Be happy, go lucky, it's light up time. For the taste that you like, light up the Lucky Strike. Relax, it's light up time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and I certainly agree there's no time like right now to light up a Lucky and find out first hand what real deep down smoking enjoyment is. I mean the enjoyment that comes from better taste, because the Lucky tastes better every time. And the reasons why are world famous. First of all, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Tobacco's so fine, so light, so mild, it just naturally tastes better. And then something very important happens to Lucky's fine tobacco. It's toasted. It's toasted is the famous Lucky Strike process that brings Lucky's naturally good tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So right now, while the show gets underway, or whenever it's light up time for you, be happy. Go Lucky, enjoy Lucky Strike, the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. For the taste that you like, light up the Lucky Strike. Right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light up time. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Woodley. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another television show. But meanwhile, let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills where even as you and I, Rochester is filling out his income tax. Let's see, name Rochester, Van Jones. Occupation, butler, chauffeur, cook, gardener, ballot, sewer, window washer, and author of what to do in your spare time. Let's see, enter your total wages. Hello Rochester. What are you doing? I'm filling out my income tax, Mr. Benny. It certainly is complicated. Well, I'll help you with it if you'd like. I sure would. All right, let's see the form. Oh, Rochester, look at all the occupations you listed. You don't work that hard. I don't, eh? No. I got housemaid's knee clear up to the hip. At that point, middle-aged spread takes over. Rochester, if you want me to help you, pay attention. Now, let's see, your income. What was your income last year? Do I have to tell them? Certainly. Put down the salary. I pay you. Can I write it in red ink? Red ink, why? I want them to know I'm blushing. Never mind. Now, for the next question, list any extra monies you received as gratuities, gifts, or bonuses from your employer. Oh, boss, calm down. Look, Rochester, just finish your income tax, sign it, and mail it in. Look, and I'm going down to my vault to get some money. I owe Frankie Remley $10. What for? That was a silly thing. I bet him that he couldn't go a whole day without taking a drink of liquor. Anyone? Yeah, just my luck. He sat on a rusty nail and got locked y'all. I'll be back in a few minutes, Rochester. See, it's dark in here. Here come my alligator. Yeah, don't see Irving. He was sick last week. I hope that veterinarian I sent down made him feel better. Oh, there he is. Hi, Irving. Geez, fatter than ever. Come to think of it, I remember the veterinarian going down, but I don't remember him coming up. Oh, well, if I get a bill, I'll know he's all right. Well, here's the vault. You can take it with you. Yes, how are you feeling, Ed? Oh, I'm fine today, but yesterday I had a terrible fright. Really? Yes, it was just awful. I woke up and I couldn't see a thing. Gee, what'd you do? I cut my hair. Well, I need some money, Ed. I'll have to open the safe. Let's see. The combination is right to 45, left to 60, back to 15, then left to 110. There. Ed, did the alarm sound a little weaker than usual? I'll tell you in a minute, I'm counting the dead gophers. Oh, let's see. Here's a $10 bill that'll take care of Remly. I'm taking Mary to Romanoff's for dinner tomorrow, so I better take another $5. Now, I'll take six. I might want dinner, too. Well, I better be going. So long, Ed. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Drop me a postcard now and then. Sometimes it gets lonesome. Yeah. Say, Ed, how long have you been down here? Oh, it's been years and years. I guess I sort of lost track. Well... But we can figure it out. Remember the day you brought me down here? It was your birthday. You were 38. Gee, it's been that long, eh? Well, Ed, you can't stay down here forever. Have you ever thought of going up? Yes, I have. When my time comes in, Gabriel won't... No, no, no, no, no. Not that far up. Just, I mean, just upstairs. Upstairs? Oh, Mr. Benny, you're teasing me. No, I'm not. You've been down here for years and years and years. Just for a little vacation, Ed. I'm going to take you up with me right now. Now, let's go, Ed. Now, follow me. All right. Be careful. Ed, what happened? You forgot to unchain me. There. There we are now. Let's go. All right, up the steps here. Are you coming, Ed? Yeah, but I'm getting dizzy. I hope my nose doesn't bleed. Oh, you'll be all right. Well, here we are, Ed. This is the library. Say... What's the matter? Something hurts my eyes. Oh, you'll get used to it. It's the light from this lamp here. Lamp? Yes, you see, all the light comes from this little bulb. You see, it's filled with electricity. Oh. Is Ben still flying that kite? No, no, you don't understand, Ed. I'll explain it to you later. Right now, I want you to meet Rochester. Oh, Rochester! Coming! Now, Rochester, Ed may be hungry. Take him in the kitchen and show him the refrigerator. Re... refrigerator? That's something new, Ed. Oh, I don't care if I like it. I'll eat it. Ed, you don't eat the refrigerator. You eat the things inside, you see. It's a place to store things like ham, cheese, steaks, caviar, and turkey. Oh, is that what it's for? Rochester. You learn something new every day? Don't be funny. You're only confusing Ed. And it's hard enough to explain. I'll get the door. You take Ed in the kitchen and get him something to eat. Coming! Coming! Oh, Jack. Oh, hiya, Don. Come on in. Okay. Come in, fellas. Oh, you brought the sportsman with you. Hello, boys. So sick of that. Don. I meant to call you. We're not having rehearsal until tomorrow. I heard about it, Jack, but the boys have prepared a very beautiful number for the show, and they'd like you to hear it right now. They're going out of town for a few days. Oh, on business? No, no, no. They took their wives fishing at Lake Mead last week, and they're going back there again. Yeah, I wish I could go. What are they going to fish for? The tenor's wife. She fell out of the boat Wednesday. Oh, and by all means, let's hear them sing. I mean, she must be awfully tired, treading water. Go ahead, boys. Mr. Sandman, bring me a ski. I'm tired of dreaming that same old dream. Each time I lie down, my mind relaxes Until I think about those income taxes Sandman, send me some plans To make enough though to pay their demands When you hear Jack Benny scream Sandman, it's light up time Light up a lucky, they're really sublime Puff on a lucky and you know the reason No other cigarette is quite so pleasing Sandman, you're sure to lie The finer taste of a lucky stride No, sir, man, it's not a dream Luckies do taste better, taste so much better So Sandman, light up a lucky That was very good, Don. Very good. I think it'll sound fine on the show. It certainly will. By the way, Don, I've got a surprise for you. You know, you've heard me talk about Ed, that nice old man Who's been guarding my vault all these years. A few minutes ago, I brought him upstairs And I want you to meet him. Come on, he's in the kitchen with Rochester. Rochester, I... Rochester, where's Ed? He's in your bedroom lying down. He's exhausted. Exhausted? Yeah, I guess I showed him too much for one day. What'd you show him? The Esquire calendar. Well, maybe the rest will do him good. Oh, excuse me, Don, there's someone at the door. Mr. Sandman, send me a dream Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. I just stopped by to ask you if it's all right if I miss rehearsal tomorrow. From the sportsman, I'm going to be there either. Well, I guess it's okay. Why do you want to miss rehearsal? Well, I'm going to commit suicide. Suicide? Again? I may miss the broadcast, too. Dennis, look at me. Now, all right, Dennis, I'll go along with you this time. Now, how, how are you going to commit suicide? Well, I'm going to hang myself and take poison and jump off the roof and shoot myself. Oh, I see. Now, Dennis, any one of those methods would kill you. Why are you going to do all of them? My middle name is Westinghouse and I want to be sure. Hey, you know, that's a pretty good joke. Now, let's get serious and forget about suicide. Yes, sir. Now, what are you going to sing? After I'm gone. Dennis, you are without a doubt the silliest kid I've ever known in my life. Oh, you're just mad because George Goble is younger than you are. Well, he won't always be. Now, go ahead and sing. Tighten your mouth and go home. Boss, boss! What's the matter, Rochester? Boss, it's Ed. He's gone. What do you mean gone? He was just in my bedroom. I know, but I went to bring him some milk and crackers and he wasn't there. Maybe he's wandering around the house somewhere. That's what I thought at first, but then I saw that the door from the bedroom to the patio was wide open and I traced his footsteps to the Coleman's fence. Gee, I hope he didn't climb the fence. He tried to, but I think the electricity discouraged him. What? His next few footsteps were ten yards of... This is awful. Poor Ed. He's a confused man. He won't know what to do or where to go. We've got to find him. Well, telling what should happen to him, Jack, we'd better get down to the police station. You're right. Rochester, you stay here in case he comes back. Come on, Don. Let's go. Look, Mr. Benny, would you please relax? Believe me, we're doing everything we can to find your friend. But, Sergeant, I'm worried. I'm nervous. We've been here three hours and nothing's happened. Now, look, Jack, just quiet down and take it easy. I'm sure everything's going to be all right. I hope so, Don. Gee, poor Ed lost in a big city like this and it's all my fault. Uh, same, Mr. Benny. Yes, Sergeant, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Mr. Benny, it's a long shot, but they're bringing in the afternoon line-up and your friend may be in it. Oh, good. Where are they? Where are they? Here they come now. Well, Mr. Benny, can you identify anyone in this group? All of them. That's my orchestra. Orchestra? Yeah. It's time they've all had the same beat. Please, here. Why don't we try the Bureau of Missing Persons? Hey, that's a good idea. Let's go. Do you know where the Missing Persons Bureau is, Don? No, it must be somewhere in this building. Maybe that judge would know. The judge? Yeah, that man over there in the robe. Oh, yeah, I'll ask him. Pardon me, sir, but could you tell me if the Missing Persons Bureau is on this floor? I don't know. Is it upstairs? I don't know. Is it in this building? I didn't know. Well, if you don't know anything, what are you doing in that robe? I'm a test pilot for life, boy, and I just took a shower. Oh, St. Jack, there's the Missing Persons Bureau right across the hall. Oh. Look, there's no sense in the both of us going in there. I better stick with the desk sergeant we were talking to. Okay, Don, I'll see you later. I wonder who's running this department. Oh, officer, officer. Yeah! Are you in charge of the Missing Persons Bureau? No, Captain Oceanus, he is. Well, I'd like to talk to him. So would I. He's been missing for three weeks. Well, maybe you can help me. I want to report a missing person. All right, just have a seat. Thank you. Now I want you to give me all the information you can, Mr. Benny. Oh, oh, you recognize me. I guess you must have seen me on TV. Yes, I have. Do you like me? No. Well, if you don't like me, why watch my program? Why torture yourself? I don't like me either. Now look, I didn't come here. Excuse me. Hello? Yes, he's here. Here, it's for you, Mr. Sandman. Mr. Sandman? You put me to sleep. You found him? She asked wonderful news, Rochester. Where was he? Hiding in a closet, frightened to death. Why, what happened? He went outside and he said he saw a red and yellow dragon eating up a lot of people. A red and yellow dragon? What was it? Just passengers getting on the sunset bus. Well, tell him not to be afraid, Rochester. I'm coming right home. Now, Ed, Ed, believe me, it wasn't a dragon. I've told you five times it was a bus that takes on people. It's a motor transportation. Transportation? I didn't see any horses. Ed, they don't need horses anymore. They have motors. Now look, Ed, calm down. I'm going to take you downtown. We'll go to a picture show. You'll enjoy that. I'd rather not, Mr. Benny. What? I've seen enough. Would you please take me back down to the vault? Ed, you want to go back to the vault so soon? Why? Well, it's so peaceful and quiet down there. Everybody up here is in such a hurry. Rushing around all excited. There's noise and confusion. Nobody seems to be really happy. Look, look. I like it down there in the vault, Mr. Benny. Nothing to disturb me or frighten me. I'd like to go back. Well, all right, Ed. In case you ever want to come up again, just let me know. Thank you, but I don't think I will. All right, Ed. Rochester, I'm going to take Ed back down to the vault. Okay, boss. So long, Ed. Goodbye, man. Here we are, Ed. Let's go down. Ladies and gentlemen, the very best Easter gift of all is the support you give through Easter Seals to children who need your help. These seals provide medical care, nursery centers, and many other things that are needed. So give and give generously to the Easter Seal Agency in your community, or send your contribution to crippled children care of your local post office. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack will be back in just a moment to tell you about his television program, which goes on at 7 p.m. tonight over the CBS television network. But right now, here's a suggestion for you. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light of time. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light of time. That's a grand idea for a pleasant Sunday evening at home or any time at all when you want to enjoy a really great cigarette. Just lean back and light up a lucky. Because every lucky you light is sure to give you better taste. And here's why. First, luckies are made of fine tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, mild, naturally good tasting tobacco. And then, that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted is the famous lucky strike process that tones up luckies' fine tobacco. Brings it to its peak of flavor makes it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Result? Lucky strike. The best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. So right now, friends, or any time at all when it's light of time for you, be happy, go lucky. Make your cigarette better tasting lucky strike. For the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Now. Light up a lucky. It's light of time. I gotta rush over to do my television show. You better get out the car. We can't take the car of bosses being overhauled. What are we going to do? Maybe we ought to take a cab. No, we can take the red and yellow dragon. Stop right by the studio. Good night, folks. See you on TV. The Jack Lenny show tonight was written by Joseph Berg, John Takkeberry, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Filter smokers, true tobacco taste, real filtration, famous Tarleton quality. They're all yours when you smoke Filter Tip Tarleton. Filter Tip Tarleton gives you all the full rich taste of Tarleton's quality tobacco and real filtration, too. Because Filter Tip Tarleton incorporates activated charcoal, renowned for its unusual powers of selective filtration. To look for the red, white and blue stripes on the package, they identify Filter Tip Tarleton, the best in filtered smoking. The Jack Lenny program is brought to you by the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.