 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Friends, after all is said and done, the reason you or anybody else smokes a cigarette can be summed up in one word, enjoyment. And certainly the enjoyment you get depends entirely on the taste of a cigarette. Put it this way, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. Well, the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Here's why Lucky's taste better. First, they're made of fine tobacco. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. Second, Lucky's are actually made better, made round, firm, fully packed to always draw freely and smoke evenly. Yes, fine tobacco in a better made cigarette gives you better taste every single time. After all, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. You'll know that's true the minute you light up a Lucky. So next time you're shopping for cigarettes, get the carton with the red bull's eye, Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the sportsman for 10 years truly done. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the star of our show. A man who for years has won the highest accolade of critics and public alike. Oh, Don, please. A man whose unique abilities have brought him to the pinnacle of success and whose... Oh, I can't read this stuff. A man whose talent has exceeded only by his modesty. Thank you. Well, again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, I don't see why it should be so hard for you to say a few nice things about me. But I'm happy you managed to struggle through that introduction. Well, Jack, the only reason I did was because I was afraid you'd fire me. Don, I couldn't fire you. Why not? Because this happens to be National Save Your Fat Week. It hasn't been a National Save Your Fat Week since 1944. Don, Edward R. Murrow can be topical. I have to be funny. Anyway, you know what today is, don't you? Yes, yes, I do. It was exactly 20 years ago today that I agreed to go on your show. Oh, gosh, Jack, have you and Don really been together that long? We sure have, Bob. And right from the start, it was a wonderful association. No arguments, no bickering, no lawyers. That's right, Bob. You just tattooed the contract on my stomach and let it go at that. Every year, there's been room for new clauses. It's from Dennis. Anything wrong? Let me read it. Dear Mr. Benny, I may be a little late for the show today as I have to get my shoes shined and my car washed. I'm also a loping to Niagara Falls. Dennis, a loping to Niagara Falls? What a crazy kid. I didn't even know he had a girl. Out of a clear blue sky, Dennis elopes. Couldn't get married like everyone else with a ceremony and guests and a nice violin solo. Oh, well, if Dennis... Ah, pardon me, Mr. Benny. Are you still here? Well, I hate to mention it, but when one delivers a telegram, it's customary for one to get a tip. Oh, oh, of course. How much do you usually get? Well, that's up to you. I wouldn't want to influence you in any way. Well, let's see. Do you mind if I use your phone a minute? No, no, go ahead. Hello, Martha? This is Hyman. Hey, how's Grandma? Oh, not any better, huh? What can we do? We can't afford medicine for the baby, either. Martha, if we spend that money on medicine, we won't be able to buy any food. Huh? The landlord was over? What'd he say? He gonna give us two more days and two more days? Keep up your courage. Yourself. Control yourself. Here. Here, I've got a tip for you. Oh, gee, thanks, Mr. Right. Oh, no, no. What's the matter? For a lousy dime, I just wasted a routine I could have used on Strike It Rich. All the change I have for a tip. Anyway, I'm doing a radio program now, so why don't you wait? Well, hello, Mr. Benny. Dennis, what are you doing here? I thought you were eloping. Oh, that's all off. All off? What happened? Well, this morning, I was about to propose to the girl, and I really saw her for the first time. She's got long, stringy hair, BDIs, bad complexion, a mean face, and she's as big as a horse. She sounds like a mess. Yeah, boy, am I glad she turned me down. She turned you down? Oh, I don't care. I'll marry her twin sister. Oh, fine. You should see her twin sister. She's got a figure like Marilyn Monroe, legs like Betty Gravel, hair like Rita Hayworth, and a face like Ava Gardner. Dennis, if the other girl's so ugly, how could her twin sister be so beautiful? You and Ed Murrow can be technical. I have to be funny. We are going to do our version of Universal International's classic of the gridiron, All American. Isn't that the one where Tony Curtis Starrs is a football hero? No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. Tony Curtis Starrs is a football hero? That's right. In fact, tonight, I'm playing his role. Oh, but Jack, Tony Curtis is so young. How can you even think of taking the part he played? Look, there's no sense in arguing because I'm going to play the Tony Curtis part and nobody can stop me. I can. Who are you? Tony Curtis. Tony! Tony Curtis is a surprise. Well, Jack, I was at the studio when I heard about you doing the sketch tonight, so I thought I'd get down here as fast as I could. Jack, you really don't intend to take the part I played in the picture, do you? Well, of course I do. Well, don't you think it's a little ridiculous? What's so ridiculous about it? Jack, the picture happens to be all American, not early American. I don't understand your attitude at all. It so happens that the producer of your picture, Aaron Rosenberg, is a very good friend of mine. If you don't let me play the part, you'll have to go back to the studio and face him. I mean, how would you explain it to him? I mean, what would you tell him? Him drove me down here. Play the part unless you have a strenuous objection. Well, I do. I think you're playing the part of a college boy who's incongruous. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell... Hey, Bob. Bob, come here a minute, will you? Yes, Jack. What does incongruous mean? Huh? Well, I'm not sure. Oh, readily? Never mind! The dictionary consists of scotch, bourbon, Hagan hate. Now, look, Tony... I'll tell you what incongruous means. It means inappropriate, unbecoming, not harmonious and character, inconsonant or inconsistent. Oh. Well, I still don't understand it. The meaning of incongruous? Oh, how one twin can be so beautiful and the other one so ugly. Talking about that... Well, I don't understand incongruous either. Look, Dennis, explain it to him, Tony. All right, I'll make it simple, Dennis. Incongruous means something that doesn't fit. Certainly, you know, something that doesn't fit. Now, Tony, you just sit down in the studio and watch me play your part. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Okay. Take it down. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our version of that thrilling universal international picture, All American. A saga of college life on the gridiron. Curtain, music. This is the story of a poor boy who, because of his talent on the football field, was able to go to college, rise to the top, and become an All American. Now, let's see. Nick Bonnelli, Nick Bonnelli. Oh, here's your card. Now, tell me, what is your height? 5'11". Your weight? 173". The color of your eyes? Oh, they're blue, aren't they? Bluer than the toes of a barefooted field goal kicker. Oh, just a second. You're here on a football scholarship, aren't you? Yes, ma'am. Well, in that case, you will be provided with tuition, room, and board, and you'll be given $100 a month to spend. Do I have to spend it? The other football players will have to earn that money. I understand. What will my job be? Well, in the dean's office, there is an eight-day clock. And I'm supposed to wind it? No, the fullback winds it. Your job is to see that he does. Into the dressing room, and say it. All right, you men. I want all the linemen to go out and practice tackling. The ends brush up on pass receiving. Half-backs will put in two hours each bucking the line. The fullbacks will spend the whole day trying to kick field goals. And you, you're playing quarter, aren't you? Yes, sir. What shall I do? Scratch my back. At last, I had met that great coach, Itchy Day. He looked at me and yelled... I don't want to do this. I'm an all-American at mid-state. Well, you're at Sheridan now, and everybody starts from scratch. What are you doing here? Yes, sir. That means no parties, no dancing, and no dates with girls. And you'll take all your meals at the training table. You have to be in bed by nine, up at six, and we practice seven days a week. But what do we do for fun here at Sheridan? On Tuesday night, you play Scrabble with naughty words. So Coach Day had little radios installed in our helmets. So we could listen to the broadcast of the game and find out who had the ball. Wrong station and tackle John's other wife. In three straight games, I was the total... These students were snobs. And my roommate, Robert Carter, was the biggest snob of all. He was always nagging me. Hey, Benelli. What is it, Robert? How many times have I told you? When you store things in the closet, keep your moth balls away from mine. But how can you tell the difference? Minor monogram. Oh, Robert, why can't we be friends? I don't like riffraff. But Robert, I'm so popular on the campus. All the fraternities are begging me to join. Well, mine is the ritziest one, and I'm sure that you won't get in. Why not? Because I'm the only member. And the only reason I got in is my brother owns a college. Ritz and Pittsburgh. Robert sent me straight on one thing. Benelli, you don't fit in here. If you didn't play football, nobody at Sheridan would even talk to you. Oh, yeah? They'd still like me for myself. Well, what makes you think so? I'll tell you why, because I've got a winning personality. Muscles of steel that the fellows admire and respect. And the kind of youth and good looks that make girls swoon. That door slam wasn't Robert. It was Tony Curtis leaving the studio. Robert was right. The next day I turned in my uniform, and overnight I became the most unpopular person on the campus. A few weeks later at the dance before the big game, I sat for hours in a corner by myself. Nobody came within five feet of me. I was beginning to think good housekeeping might have been wrong. Then I saw her. Handsome. She was beautiful. And I had a hunch she was popular too. She was wearing 164 fraternity pins. No dress, just fraternity. Then came jingling towards dancing together. What's your name? Viola Ward. I'm Nick Benelli. I know. Gee, Nick, dancing with you is different than dancing with the other college fellows. It is? Yes. They don't even know the minuet. Well, you're beautiful. Will you marry me? I might if you changed your mind and played football again. Oh, so that's it. Well, I wouldn't play football for anything. Not even if I kissed you like this? No. Like this? No. Even like this? But I wasn't foolish enough to tell. I noticed he wasn't even wearing a football. Why don't you let me get by? I'm still waiting for my pet. There's a one of our great national hazards. Today, perhaps this very minute, a forest fire is raging because somebody was careless. Somebody tossed away a lighted cigarette, forgot to put out a campfire, or was careless with matches. Forest fires ravage millions of acres of timberland, weak in America, take lives. So please be careful. Be cautious. Don't give fire a place to start. Thank you. Sit back in just a minute. But first, here's the voice of the Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist, Rube Goldberg. Hi, folks. I've learned that what some people think is funny, others don't think is so hot. It's all a matter of taste. And taste applies to a lot of things, including cigarettes. To me, luckies taste better, and taste is what I'm looking for. And I always find it when I smoke a lucky. Now, when I buy my luckies, if you'll pardon this terrible pun, I buy them by the cartoon. Thanks, Rube Goldberg. Friends, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Luckies come by their better taste for two reasons. First, they're made of fine tobacco. The whole world knows, L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Then, luckies are actually made better to taste better. So be happy. Go lucky. Buy a Clarkton. Luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Luckies strike. Luckies strike. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Tony Curtis, who appeared tonight through the courtesy of Universal International Pictures and will soon be seen in his latest picture, Forbidden. Good night, everybody. We're a little late. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Farron, Milk Joseph Bird, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Hite for Lucky Strike every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. And I'll stay tuned for the Game as an Andy show, which follows in just a moment. This is the CBS Radio Network.