 The title of this video is How to love the narcissist and keep him, but it's actually should be Why to love the narcissist and keep him? What's wrong with you people? Why would you want to keep the narcissists? Why would you learn to want to love the narcissist like three billion four billion? Potentials out there and you focus on the one percent of the population who have narcissistic personalities What's that's masochistic? It's something's wrong with you. I'm sure I'm serious so I'm gonna answer your question because that's what I do and of course like everything to do with narcissism There are two answers To the question in the title. There are two answers and they contradict each other Who says I'm not helpful? Oh? Just name yourself Reveal yourself. So there are two answers the first answer is Be like his mother The second answer is be the opposite of his mother Got it. Thank you very much for listening kidding kidding. Don't go away. Where are you going come back? Okay? My name is Sam Vakni. I Am the author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited which was the first book ever on narcissistic abuse published in the late 90s and I'm a professor of psychology and professor of finance in various universities Which are mentioned in other videos and too tired to repeat the list Okay, let's Settle in let's review the first solution the first solution is if you want to love the narcissist if you want to keep him in your life For some reason It maybe you didn't have the right kind of therapy yet, but if you insist The first answer first solution is be like his dead mother Now you remember dead mother is a concept originating with andre green in 1978 He described called rejecting absent selfish mothers mothers who are Unsafe they don't provide the child the safe and secure base mothers who create in the child And avoidant attachment style problematic attachment style for life Mothers who are approach avoidant and to a very large extent fake because they're trying to overcompensate sometimes So this kind of mothers Create co-dependence. They create borderlines and they create also narcissists. You could be like his dead mother You could be called detached aloof rejecting neglecting Selfish absent Unsafe you could triangulate cheat on him. You could betray him Ostentatiously let him know about it. You can be approach avoidant very much like the borderline Borderline is afraid of engulfment. She has engulfment anxiety She approaches and then she avoids you could be fake and let him realize it By recreating his dead mother You traumatized you retraumatize the narcissist and this creates a reverse Trauma bonding now typically when you go online and you watch all the self-styled experts and so forth They tell you the trauma bonding is one way You bond with the narcissist via trauma bonding. Well, this is partly true half true as with most youtubers It's the the narcissist also bonds with you via trauma trauma bonding is two ways The narcissist bonds with you because he wants to reenact replay The early childhood conflicts he has had with his original biological primary object mother usually a caregiver if you Play the dead mother You trigger in the narcissist his childhood you trigger in him all the responses All the behaviors all the cognitions all the emotions that had been repressed that had been firewall that had been dissociated in him and you force him to compulsively Seek you out to pursue you to chase you Because he wants to replay with you like a role play. He wants to replay with you What he has had with his mother? He wants you to be his bed mother rejecting mother dead mother and he wants to be the child and he hopes for a different outcome this time He hopes to resolve the conflict through you. Of course The only way to resolve the conflict is to get rid of you to separate from you to Finally become an individual the narcissist had failed to separate from his original mother And never individuated he never became an individual. He doesn't have a self integrated constellated self So he's hoping to accomplish this through your agency through you So he needs to devalue you then he needs to discard you Then he needs to replace you and these are symbolic acts that allow him to separate from you as a maternal figure and Finally to become an individual. So you say vacuum You're supposed to have a hundred ninety IQ and it's not showing in this video because the title is how to love the narcissist and keep him and If we emulate his dead mother If we imitate his dead mother simulator, it seems that we're gonna lose him not keep him He's gonna devalue discard and replace us. It's a bad answer No, it's not a bad answer Because after the devaluation discard and replacement phase when the narcissist had separated Individuated he had devalued and discarded you the external object But he did not devalue. He failed to devalue. He failed to discard The internal object your representation in his mind. I have a video dedicated to it So your intro jade your snapshot remains in his mind vivid a live energetic and demanding Sooner or later is gonna return to you if you did not modify him if he did not undergo narcissistic modification if you did not humiliate him in public in front of significant others is gonna hover you Hoover, it's a term I coined in 1995 to describe the process of returning to original sources discarded sources of supply if you were to act Like the narcissist dead mother his original biological mother dead not really dead like dead emotionally If you were to imitate this mother if you were to emulate her he would the narcissists would attempt To get rid of you He would attempt to separate from you and to become an individual by separating from you But he would fail and he would fail. He would devalue you would discard you He would even replace you, but he would forever come back to you He would always try to hover you because there's unresolved business. There are unsettled accounts the conflict Had not reached its conclusion in a satisfactory manner We call this repetition compulsion the narcissist is gonna repeat his compulsion with you So acting as his dead mother means they you're gonna be with the narcissist on and off They are going to be interludes pauses Interring periods where he's gonna devalue you and discard you but then he's always gonna come back always gonna come back to you on your own terms So this is solution number one solution number two is be the opposite of his mother the opposite of his mother conform to the snapshot He has a snapshot of you read to remind you a snapshot is Like a photo an image of you a representation of you in the narcissist mind and the narcissist is interacting only with the snapshot never with you and So you need to conform to the snapshot. That's a second solution The second solution is never deviate from the snapshot never diverge Never disappoint the narcissist expectations never contradict never attack never challenge never undermine the snapshot Snapshot is your hold on the narcissist and I refer you to two practical videos on how to videos that I've made one is titled cope with abuse background noise technique nine and The other one is titled if you love a narcissist, this is for you and I describe there how to conform to the snapshot Act as a background noise ask no questions never criticize never disagree When addressed Confine your response to the issues broached and do not introduce new topics into the conversation in short never initiate Never be proactive Always react nically Compliantly and subserviently but conforming to the snapshot means suspending your life You can't Initiate anything. You can't have new friends. You can't work. You can't go out You can't meet anyone. You can't be in touch with family and friends narcissists feel threatened by any of these any Personal growth evolution development is perceived by the narcissist as Direct contradiction directly contradicting the snapshot is an attack an attack on the snapshot now Look here all yeah pining border lights listen well the narcissist is Maybe handsome the narcissist is maybe debonair for example me So he's handsome he's debonair, but he's dead is dead Looking look in his eyes They are twin infinite dark tunnels leading to the netherworld of his void The twinkle in his irises is a reflection of your tears His smile Ruptures his face and tears your heart apart You're reduced by him to smithereens a Frozen grimmast scream in a surrealistic nightmare that once used to be a loving dream Why do you need all this? The narcissist is an absence is chaos and unadulterated anguish and shattered fantasy and shattered lives The narcissist craves love love and intimacy. It's heartbreaking But he pushes you away Enraged by your presumptuousness in offering him both love and intimacy The narcissist fears hurt He dreads pain and rejection and abandonment exactly like the borderline So he hurts you first He hurts you first before you hurt him He busks in your agony and in your writhing as he preemptively Rejects and abandons you renders you transparent ethereal unreal You dissolve in the narcissist's destructed faraway gaze as he contemplates your insignificance Your heart broken your mind splintered You shrivel as you inhale the toxic fumes of his non-being His despondent and hopeless darkness a Myasmi combination a life rejected night without dawn in his Sunless Arctic days So frozen you shiver involuntarily in his presence that is an absence The relationship with the narcissist is a form of self-harm its self mutilation The narcissist is death By a thousand invisible paper cuts You are become eruptive Infuriated scar tissue Sometimes the narcissist is an ephemeral ephemeral child Peering lacrimose from behind the wall of torment that passes for his soul Sometimes the narcissist is all hugs and tender need and cuddling and tucking in and cheeks and laughs And the good times of apparent love And then it's all gone like a mirage recedes remits relapses reverts The shape-shifting and pregnant clown cloud beyond the event horizon of his devouring black hole The narcissist is penumbra a shadow Fleeting in operation Remembrance of things past and the crumbling sepia dust of what could have been the promise Unkept unkempt The narcissist is an eerie And the relationship with him is an eerie disembodied dance the music wafting your former selves entwined dissolving into each other Until you are no more. I want to read to your message. I have received from one of the viewers She writes you're covering so much at the moment that I'm having trouble keeping up I'll try very hard to take this as a compliment here She continues I was interested in the parallel between God Requiring requiring us to be perfect in order to be acceptable to him With the expectations of narcissists heads of their children and others that they feed the snapshot and So I was interested in today's video that you described the narcissist as a codependent I hope the people who get to attend a six-hour seminar in Budapest realize how fortunate they are to be there and fully appreciate the experience So do I I Would have said that I wish I was going because there are a few things I can think of that I would rather do but I'm actually worried now read anything that might bring this journey to an end Anyhow, she continues. I think those determined to prove their love Devotion to the narcissist are also trying to meet psychological needs within themselves one to love themselves by proxy to be the mother they Had never had Number two to prove to themselves and to others including their internal objects That they are doing all that they possibly can to be worthy of love To mitigate the intolerably painful self-blame Which originated in the abusive relationship with the parental narcissists who when they had deviated from their from her snapshot of them Deemed them unacceptable Disloyal bad no good abnormal and worthy of her love and good opinion having betrayed her I think at some level they feel that they had failed to meet the narcissistic parents needs and Wonder whether if they had managed to do so they would have been love and all would have been well. I remember having to attend and so she goes into some Um Personal reminiscent and then she proceeds to point number three To feel that they are being true to themselves to what is most meaningful to them And perhaps there is nothing for which the heart longs more than the opportunity to turn back the clock Replay the scenes and make everything right this time Don't you ever has to be us unless it's never