 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first-in-recorded music and first-in-television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Wherever you go, it's more fun if your portable radio goes along with you. So get it out and try it. If it doesn't sound quite right, you may need a new tube. Here's how to tell. Listen a moment. Does your portable sound like this? Does the volume rise and fall unexpectedly? Is there an annoying hum in the background? If your portable, or any of your radios, has any of these common symptoms, the trouble may be no more than a weak or worn-out tube. So let your local radio technician give your set a complete checkup. If the trouble is due to the tubes, you'll be glad to install dependable new RCA radio tubes. Experts will tell you, RCA tubes are made better, yet cost no more than ordinary tubes. So always ask for dependable RCA radio tubes in the red, white, and black cartons. Ladies and gentlemen, as a poet once brought to our attention, spring is the time when a young man's fantasy likely turns to thoughts of love. Of course, this not only applies to young men, it also applies to young sparrows, young frogs, young cats, and even to a 180-pound Saint Bernard like Phil Harris' dog, Herman. It was just about a year ago that Phil noticed Herman's strange actions. Phil and Alice were in the living room and they were talking about... You know something I can't figure out? What's the matter with that dog, honey? He's usually so full of pep and energy. But just look at him now. He's lying there on the floor in the heap. He just doesn't seem to be interested in anything. 180 pounds and it's all sad. See him quiet for a change. I love him, but he's such a clumsy ox. Every time you talk to him, he swings that tail like a baseball bat and breaks something. No, no, no, Alice. Look, I've been training Herman. I've heard him of that. Look, I'll show you. Now, don't, Phil, don't. If he wags that tail, he'll wreck something else. Honey, I told you I've cured him. Herman! See there? Now, watch this, honey. Hey, aren't you a good boy now, Herman? Aren't you a good boy? Well, aren't you, Herman? It's much better with that wall out. All this destruction is going to stop. That dog has wagged the legs off of every piece of furniture we've got. Look at that coffee table. What's wrong with it? It used to be a grand piano. Okay, okay, so the Steinway is on the floor. Don't bother me with inventesmo trivialities. I don't know what that means. I heard it on the McCarthy investigation. I'm worried about Herman. Oh, honey, if you ask me, I don't think there's anything wrong with that St. Bernard. Did you ever stop to think that it's springtime and Herman might just be in love? Love? Love? Oh, yeah, that's that Tony Curtis stuff, yeah. Yeah, hey, you might have an idea there, Alice. You know something I was thinking about taking him down to the vet and have an old Doc Cudson take a look. Hi, Alice. Hi, Curly. Oh, hello. Hi, Ellie. Hi, Ellie. May I ask what Audrey Hepburn and Slapsy Maxie Rosenblum were talking about this morning? Well, hell hit them. We've got a big surprise for you. You know, Audrey and I, uh, Audrey. Audrey and I thought that, uh, that Herman was sick, but we just found out what's wrong with him. He's got spring fever. You like that. Herman is only three years old and he wants to meet a girl. Well, what's so unusual about that, Curly? How long have you been noticing girls? Oh, I don't know how long they've been around. You know, Sutton, if you only asked me, I could have told you that your dog was, um, well, shall we say, desirous of cultivating the acquaintance of an eligible member of the opposite sex. How'd you know? I, uh, I surprised him one day. He had a magazine and he was clipping out the Arthur Murray coupon. Oh, Elliot, that's silly. It is not. He's taking up a dance called the Cocker Spaniel Crawl. This very interesting dance starts with a slow twitch, builds into a double twitch, so you can't stand it anymore, then you go nuts, wriggle around like crazy, and howl at the moon. People can do it too if they've got enough pleas. That was pretty funny, wasn't it, Curly? Huh? It was not funny. Give me the $5 funeral and I'll walk to the cemetery. I'll leave you two masterminds to work out Herman's destiny. Be in the kitchen if you want me. Yeah, see you later, honey. You know something, Elliot? What's that? I can't really blame Herman for wanting to get married too. You know, when I was a bachelor, I wasn't really happy. No? Monday night I'd have a date with a beautiful blonde, Tuesday a gorgeous brunette, Wednesday a luscious redhead, Thursday a blonde, Friday a brunette, Saturday a redhead, Sunday a blonde, Monday a brunette. Golly, Curly, how'd you ever meet so many girls? Well, it was on account of the place where I was living. One night I sneaked out front to the big YMCA sign and changed one of the letters. That's a pretty good joke if you're young and have time to figure it out. Second thought, if you're young, you don't have to figure it out. Curly, you really ought to do something about getting Herman introduced to some social set where he might meet some other dogs, among whom might be a prospective wife. Yeah, that's a good idea, because I guess I do. Oh, it's Herman. He's never asked for anything. Anybody home? I've brung the door to Harry. Oh, hi, Julius. Look, I'm sorry I made you make the trip over here. Herman hasn't been eating for two days. All right, easy, kid. That's my dog you're talking about. It just happens that right now Herman isn't hungry. Well, that big monster shouldn't be hungry. What do you mean? Well, you know how he always runs out in the street and chases Jaguars? Yeah? Well, yesterday he caught one. He did? Driver of the Jaguar. An awful way for Mickey Rooney to go. Very fun. There's nothing wrong with Herman physically, Julius. It's just that he's a victim of loneliness. Hi. Give you the hablin. Julius, I'll give you a little appropriate music on my kazoo. Thank you, Professor. Do you see what you guys are doing? You're getting Herman all upset. It's all right, buddy. It's all right. Sykes, why don't you stop? This St. Bernard is as intelligent as I am. You better back out and go in again, Curly. But Herman is a normal, healthy dog. Outside the buds are bursting into bloom. Love is in the air. Even the potato bugs are mashing it up. He needs a wife. Well, girl, St. Bernard, did you hear that, Herman? Thank goodness he didn't break anything this time. It's only water on the... This is where you've been hiding the Kentucky orange juice. And it has its problems. If I don't cover the bowl at night, the goldfish sing louder than the canary. Herman, how would you like to go with me and meet a good-looking St. Bernard by the name of Genevieve? Herman! Herman! I'm supposed to put the leash on you. Come on, Elliot, let's go. Keep it gay, keep it light, keep it fresh, keep it fair Let it bloom every night, give it room, give it air Keep your love a lovely dream and never wake it up Make it happy and be happy as you make it Let it sing like a nightingale and make it gay Keep it free or you'll frighten it away Take it easy and enjoy it while you take it Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Keep it gay, keep it light, keep it fresh, keep it fair Let it bloom every night, give it room, give it air Keep your love a lovely dream, make it happy and be happy as you make it Let it sing like a nightingale and make it gay Keep it free or you'll frighten it away What's the place right here? Hey, gee, Curly, I didn't expect 705 Park Plaza Drive to be a mansion like this. Yeah, man, this Peabody Day must be filthy with loot. Look, she's got a swimming pool shape like Liberace. How do you do? Oh, oh, uh, hi, uh, I'm Phil Harris. Yes, I know. You're the two gentlemen who are to be interviewed by Mrs. Peabody in regard to the eligibility of your St. Bernard as a possible fiance for her dear Genevieve. Well, yes, I guess you could put it that way. By the way, this is Herman, my St. Bernard right here. My word. He's a large brute, isn't he? Just take the first door to the left. That's the library. Mrs. Peabody will meet you there. Okay, thanks. You wait out here on the porch, Herman. Oh, boy. Hey, what a library, huh? I haven't seen so many books since they looked up your record at the parole board. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty bad. Now, look, Elliot, sir, when Mrs. Peabody gets here, I want you to at least... Well, well, well, how do you do? I'm Mrs. Peabody. How do you do? I'm Mr. Harris and this is Mr. Lois. How good to meet two fellow dog lovers. I hope you appreciate them as much as I do. I always try to spread the word that a dog is man's best companion, man's faithful friend. A dog can give you love, affection, devotion. If a man has a good dog, that's all he'll ever need. Wait till DiMaggio hears about this. Say, we were looking at all of your beautiful trophies and pictures around the room here. It sure seems like you're quite a sportswoman, Mrs. Peabody. Oh, yes. I have pictures taken with all my little four-legged friends. You see, I have greyhounds, afghans, chows, poodles, collies, and here, here, gentlemen, is a picture of me taken with my two hunting dogs. Yes, I see. Which one's her, curling? The one with the bird in her mouth. Mrs. Peabody, now about my dog, Herman, I suppose you want to know all about him. Yes, but first, Mr. Harris, I'd like to know a little bit about your background. You see, I'm a charter member of the Wilshire Country Club, the Bel Air Golf Club, the Mayfair Meadowbrook, and Kensington Riding Club, the Palm Springs Thunderbird Golf and Country Club, and the Balboa Yacht Club. Now, would you mind giving me a list of the social organizations you belong to? Well, I'll go put a couple more nickels in the parking meeting. Wait! Well, you look, Mrs. Peabody, remember that Herman's not even asking for a dowry from Genevieve. I appreciate that, Mr. Harris, but Genevieve is no ordinary Saint Bernard. Listen to her pedigree. She's from Shropshire Ladd by snow crest out of Dutchess Helga III. Now, what about Herman's background? Oh, he's from Rhine Gold King out of Big Foam by Waddle-Uha. Well, I'll look it up later in the Kennel Guide. I'm sure Herman's all you say he is. Well, that'll be wonderful, Mrs. Peabody. I'll leave Herman's suitcase right here. It contains his toothbrush, and, well, I put a box of chocolate-covered liverwurst to help them get acquainted. Somebody's at the door. Yeah, I heard it. Herman! Herman! Herman, I just left you not five minutes ago at Mrs. Peabody's. What are you coming back here for? And where's your suitcase? It's right here, sir. Mrs. Peabody said to inform you that she couldn't get Herman to look at even a picture of Genevieve. Really? Yes. When Mrs. Peabody tried to introduce Herman to his prospective bride, he fainted three times. Good day, sir. Alice, did you hear what he said about Herman? I'm ashamed of him. Oh, Phil. He was just introduced to Genevieve, and he fainted three times. What about it? When you were introduced to me, you fainted five times. I fainted four times. The other time I leaned on a wall that wasn't there. I was excited. I had on my dark glasses, and I thought you were glorious, swanson. Give Herman a bad time just because he's slightly naive. Look, Alice, would you mind stepping out of the room for a few minutes? I'm sure that I know how to handle this situation. Would you please? Herman, I think you'd better sit down for this. Let's see now. I want to put this just right, Herman. Look, there are two kinds of people in the world, boys and girls. Do you understand, Herman? Good, good. Now, this is true of all mother nature's creatures. Herman, you see, there are boy and girl animals, boy and girl fishes, and even boy and girl flowers. Now, let's take the flowers, for example. Let's say there's one called Danny Daisy. Now, he thinks all the flowers are Danny Daisy's until he looks over one day and sees Dorothy Daisy. Well, right there and then he flips his paddles. You see, he's never seen anything like Dorothy Daisy before. She's lovely. She's gorgeous. She's beautiful. She uses vigor all. You see, the point I'm making, Herman, is, well, you might find Genevieve just as attractive. You might like Genevieve just as well. So look, Herman, I'm going to send you back to Mrs. Peabody and give you one more chance. And believe me, Herman, you'll thank me. You'll never regret me. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we ask your indulgence while several months pass by and at last, the big day dawns, the day of the blessed event. We take you now to the waiting room of the maternity ward of the Encino Cat and Dog Hospital. Curly, we've been patient up and down here for five or six hours. I'm getting tired. Well, I'm worried about Genevieve. I'm worried too. I'm worried too. Oh, shut up. You're only the father. You'd better save some of that energy. You realize what being a father entails? Okay, then just keep quiet a minute and I'll tell you. Herman, as you travel down Life's Highway, remember this. It's not the man that you are outside. It's the man that's underneath. And the man worthwhile is the man who can smile with friendly credit tea. That's pretty good. Oh, hello, Dad. I came right over soon to heard the news. Well, that's very nice of you, Dad. Glad to have you. That's all right. You know, being here in this hospital reminds me so much of the time when you were born, son. Dad, how can you say a thing like that? This is a dog hospital. No, son, don't be a snob. My you are such a cute baby. You've seen that big picture your mother has of you, the one over the mantelpiece? Oh, hit him at a dad. No, that's not my baby picture. That's a picture of Mount Shasta. Oh, that's you. You're under there somewhere. Your mother used to use an awful lot of talcum powder. Dad, didn't you tell me that Phil was born while you and his mother were still on the road? Yeah, that's right, Alice. We were with a traveling carnival. You know, I don't think people in show business should have children like that. What do you mean, Mr. Harris? Well, my wife and I used to travel from town to town in our little automobile. We didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby. We didn't know how to mix a baby's formula. We didn't know how to give him his bath. We didn't know how to warm his bottle. Well, what about... Oh, the automobile club was wonderful, son. They used to change you in the front tire at the same time. Yes, yes, Dad. Hey, wait a minute. What happened to Herman? Where'd he go? I think he wanted to be near Genevieve. He went through that door quite a while ago. He did. Well, then, I'd better go out there and see what's happening. I can't stand the suspense any longer. You know, Elliot, Genevieve is such a beautiful dog, and Herman is handsome, even if he is dumb. Those puppies ought to be beautiful. Oh, yeah. If I had a place big enough, I'd like to have one. Folks, it's happened. Letting pandemonium rain. Let the joy ring out. It's a great day for singing a song. Oh, the heavens say, Phil, what? What happened? What happened? We've got ten gorgeous St. Bernard puppies, and Genevieve is in there passing out cigars. Genevieve is passing out cigars? Yeah, Herman may be dumb, but he can sure keep a secret. Well, don't stand there, Clyde, run out and buy Herman a silk nightgown. Back in just a moment. It's amazing what magic things push buttons perform for us every day. Push a button and a light goes on. Push another button and music fills the room. Push still another button and the top of your convertible magically lifts and you bask in the warm sunlight. There are some days, though, when basking in warm sunlight is just about the last thing you want. Hot, humid, muggy days when you long for another kind of magic push button that will let you enjoy cool vacation weather. You'll find that magic push button, several of them in fact, on the new 1954 RCA air conditioner. Magic vacation air right in your own home. RCA's wonderful climate tuner has just that kind of push button controls that let you select perfect indoor comfort. The climate tuner has a thermostat control, too, for constant, even comfort on days when the weather changes suddenly. And the RCA air conditioner is quiet as a sleeping baby. That's because of the wonderful hush-a-bye fans that push the air in a cool, even flow through your room and let you sleep undisturbed on even the hottest summer night. The permanent type aluminum mesh filter in the RCA air conditioner lifts out as easily as you change your record on a phonograph. And it's cleaned and ready for use again in a matter of minutes. Plan now to live better, work better, and sleep better this summer with an RCA air conditioner. And for the finest in service and installation, get an RCA factory service contract, too. How do you like that, Alice? After thinking that Herman's name was Herman for all that time, and then we find out that his real name is really Henrietta. Weren't you surprised? Did you ever suspect it? No, I didn't, but I really should have been suspicious because come to think of it, he was the only dog on our block who chased cars with one hand on his hip. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Included in this program, transcribe, are Gloria Gordon, Vance Colvik, Dick McGrath, and Bill Johnstone. Part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Do you know this music? It's Pomp and Circumstance. Listen. That beautiful, familiar music is from Arthur Fiedler's 25th anniversary album issued by RCA Victor. This long-play album brings you a cavalcade of the 16 most popular recordings made by the Boston Pops Orchestra over the past quarter of a century. Listen to this wonderful new orthophonic high-fidelity album at your dealers now. Arthur Fiedler's 25th anniversary album by RCA Victor. NBC Radio Network Presidency Here's John Cameron Swayze on the news tonight on the NBC Radio Network.