 I'm only so, your beauty hope and luster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair bring you our Miss Brooke starring Eve Arden. Although there aren't too many tests during the summer school session, our Miss Brooke, who teaches English at Madison High Summer School, had to prepare a final exam last week. That's why Friday morning found me in the breakfast nook bright and early with my landlady, Mrs. David. Well, I was early anyway. Sit right down, Connie. Your cereal is already through. So I see. It's even got milk in it. Yes, I've been soaking your crunchy for almost an hour. Why, Mrs. David? You've been tense enough lately without having your cereal snatched at you. Well, that's very considerate. I have been a little edgy the past few days. I guess it's because of that final English test I've been working on. Well, I certainly hope you pass it, Connie. Pass it? I'm giving it, Mrs. David. I teach English at Madison, you remember. Forgive me, Connie. You see, to me, you're still just a kid. To me, too. Happy little minority, aren't we? I've got the test finished to my satisfaction. Now, if our beloved principal likes it, everything's OK. How has Mr. Conclean been lately? Is that temper I mean? Well, for the past week, he's been only semi-apoplectic. Honestly, he's so autocratic sometimes. I just... Oh, that must be Walter Denton. I'll get it. It's pretty early for Walter, isn't it? He's been getting up on time lately to hear a new swing program. Some disc jockey called Out of the World Oscar. Forgive me, Mrs. Davis. Hold on to your beanie, Jasmine. I'm coming. Good morning, Miss Brooke. Mr. Conclean. Oh, come in, sir. May I have... May you take my beanie? No, Miss Brooke. I don't want the propellers dented. I'm sorry, Mr. Conclean. I thought it was Walter Denton at the door. Please, Miss Brooke, don't mention that name. Sorry. I was just finishing breakfast, Mr. Conclean. Would you care for a cup of coffee or something? I could do with the cup. Thank you, Miss Brooke. Come on into the dinette. Mrs. Davis will be surprised to see you, Mr. Conclean. You haven't stopped by in quite a while. Mrs. Davis, look who's here. Well, our good Conclean. Good morning, Margaret. Mr. Conclean says he could do with a cup of coffee, Mrs. Davis. I'll heat some up in a jiffy. Just make yourself comfortable, I'll do it. How about a slice of toast with your coffee? I could do with a slice of toast, yes. Do some toast while you're doing the coffee, Mrs. Doober. Oh, Davis. Sit down right here, Mr. Conclean. Thank you. Mrs. Brooke, this is not to be construed as a social call. I was on my way to the engravers, which is just a few blocks from here, and decided to kill two birds with one stone. Mrs. Davis and me? Very amusing. And, Mrs. Brooke, you've probably forgotten that this is the time of year when some fortunate student receives the highest honor summer school has to offer. The cupboard is filled with loving cups, so thoughtfully provided by Madison's founder, Yoda Critch. Hey, it is getting pretty close to Critch time, isn't it? This award, affording added incentive to all summer school students, has always been presented to that pupil who exhibits superior aptitude in mastering that glorious linguistic infant, that heterogeneous hybrid of sundry tongues, the English language. Now, then, Mrs. Brooke, do you recognize my problem? Of course. How to get those words on a cup without having most of them flop over into the saucer? That is only part of the difficulty. Before taking any action, however, I want you, as the teacher, who will be giving the examination, to have a full say in all decisions concerning the award. Well, thank you, Mr. Conklin, that's very... Since brevity is sorely needed here, I have been casting about for the one word that would sum up the essence of this scribe. How about... Then, too, instead of giving a test with merely straight questions, I thought I'd consult with you about the possibility of having a brief composition for the party. Well, that's... A composition that could be judged... along with the other questions, of course, not only on neatness and penmanship, but also originality of basic sort, clever phraseology and so forth. That seemed... The word which embodies those qualities of which we chatted earlier seems to me to be the correct one to place upon the cup. However, before going to the engravers, I made up my mind to do nothing without your go ahead, Mrs. Brooke. Well, I... After all, it's only fair if you need to have a hand in it. Now, it seems to me, appending your approval, naturally... Match. I got that in. It seems that the word unique most closely typifies what we're after. Unique means unmatched, without an equal, unlike anything else. So, Mrs. Brooke, how about having the inscription read The Yodark Fritch Award for Unique Achievement in English? I knew you'd like it. Then the matter is closed. Your toast and coffee are good. Oh, thank you. Well, we certainly accomplished a lot while you were in the kitchen, Margaret. Yes, indeed. Just shows you what can be done when Mr. Compton and I put his head together. Yes, it's teamwork that counts the spirit of cooperation. Oh, that must be Walder now. Excuse me. Greetings, old fairest of all possible English teachers. Good morning, most observant of all possible pupils. Come in. You see, before you were bearer of cheerful tidings, you were hereby invited to a party tonight. Thanks, Walder. I have some tidings for you, too. Come on into the dinette. Okay, Mrs. Brooke, I just called Harriet Compton to invite her to the party, and she told me her father was really on the war pass this morning. He couldn't find one of his socks or something. Uh, not now, Walder. Ha-ha! Oh, that old grouch was really blue as cork. I could just see him stomping around giving orders. Get me this, get me that. You do this, you do that. Good morning, Benton. Hi, Mr. Compton. I was just telling Mrs. Brooke about old girls. Stop trying to crawl into my coffee cup, Walder. You're making waves. Can I get you something, Walder? A cup of coffee, and a glass of milk. A lot of arsenic. I'll be running along, now. But what about your toast, Osgoode? Aren't you going to eat it? I seem to have lost my appetite. I'll see you to the door, Mr. Compton. No, don't bother. I'll let myself out, Mrs. Brooke. Goodbye, Osgoode. Goodbye, Margaret. Goodbye, Mr. Compton. Sir? Yes. And to think I wanted a boy. Gosh, Mrs. Brooke, do you think Mr. Conklin knew I was talking about him? Of course not, Walder. He probably thought we were chatting about the weather. The weather? Yes. Everybody knows it's been grouch-proof out all week. Now, have a glass of milk and forget about, Mr. Conklin. What kind of a party is this, tonight? Oh, my pal's stretch snog-grass is throwing it. It's a barbecue in back of his father's pet shop. And they're having several of the teachers. The more tender ones, I hope. It's a very romantic spot, Mrs. Brooke. And we've taken the liberty of inviting Mr. Boynton. Oh, you have? Sure. We got it all figured out. The moon rises at exactly 7.20 p.m. At 7.21, you and Mr. Boynton will sneak through an ivy-covered archway and stretch his back yard. When you get through the archway, you come to a cute little bird bath. And guess what's in the bird bath? A dirty owl. No, it's a pair of Mr. Snog-grass's prized lovebird. Now, what do you think Mr. Boynton will do when he sees those lovebirds in the bird bath? If I know Mr. Boynton, he'll close his eyes and hand them a towel. No, no, you won't. Now, he'll watch the lovebirds and see what they're doing. Now, what do you suppose they are doing? What? They're rubbing their beaks together. And why do you suppose they're rubbing their beaks together? They're trying to set fire to a boy's house? No, certainly not, Mr. Boynton. It's their way of making love. And with Mr. Boynton standing right there with you, well, you know the old expression, monkey-see, monkey-do. Monkey-see, monkey-do? Sure. Well, don't just sit there, hand me a banana, and let's get going. Our Mr. Boynton will continue in just a moment. But first, here is Vern Smith. Here's wonderful news, ladies. Wonderful, wonderful news. Now, there's something thrillingly new in Palmolive Soap's famous beauty lather. Yes, something thrillingly new. Palmolive's famous beauty lather now brings you new fragrance, new charm, new allure. Millions of women will prefer beauty lather, Palmolive, over all other leading toilet soaps, the minute they try it. For Palmolive's soap's famous beauty lather, now has a new, clean, flower-fresh fragrance. For new allure, new charm. So, ladies, forget all other beauty care and use Palmolive Soap the way doctors advise for a lovelier complexion. Just stop improper cleansing and instead wash your face with Palmolive Soap three times a day, massaging Palmolive's wonderful beauty lather onto your skin for 60 seconds each time to get its full, beautifying effect. Then rinse. That's all. All types of skin, young, older, oily, respond to it quickly. Don't wait another day for Palmolive's beauty lather. You'll be thrilled by its new fragrance, new charm, new allure. Thrilled again by the fresher, brighter complexion, doctors prove may soon be yours. For new loveliness all over, use big, gas-sized Palmolive in tub or shower. Well, I arrived at school a few minutes before it was time for my first class, so I decided to give Mr. Boynton an opportunity to invite me personally to stretch his barbecue. He entered the biology laboratory. Mr. Boynton was seated at his desk. Oh, excuse me for not rising, Miss Brooks, but I've got McDougal in my lap. McDougal? Oh, your pet frog. Hi, Mac. I'll put him back in his cage now. I'm trying an experiment with Mac. I've put a female frog in the cage with him. Now, here you go, Mac, back with Emmeline. He doesn't seem to like her very much so far. Funny thing about Mac, he's never paid much attention to members of the opposite sex. Like father, like son, from the picture monkey-sea monkey-doo. Oh, you'll get used to her, Mac. Now, I'll be nice and quiet while I chat with Miss Brooks. We don't have too much time to chat, Mr. Boynton, so I'd better get right down to beating around the bush. Have you made any plans for after school? Oh, yes, I have, Miss Brooks. This afternoon, I've got a heavy date. Oh? Oh, if you'd split my little nephew, he's four years old, and I'm taking him to his first movie. Oh, it sounds like fun. What picture are you taking him to see? Well, I've got it, and then I'll the costume. He's got a little fellow who should love that if he doesn't swallow his bubblegum. What about the evening, Mr. Boynton? Well, I've been invited to a party, Miss Brooks. A barbecue? That's right. It's Stretch Not Grass' place. Oh, I've been invited to that party, too, Mr. Boynton. Really good. Yes. Now that you've been invited, and I've been invited, there's only one more invitation necessary. One more? Oh, you want to bring somebody? No, Mr. Boynton. I want somebody to bring me. You do? Who do you want to bring you, Miss Brooks? Who do I want to bring me what? What? Oh, skip it, Mr. Boynton. I've got to get into my first class now. I'm giving my final exam at 11 o'clock. Oh, just a minute, Miss Brooks. If you weren't kidding about wanting somebody to take you to the party, how about going with me tonight? I'm sorry, Mr. Boynton. I couldn't possibly. Why not? I'm going with you. That ought to confuse him nicely. Good evening. Oh, excuse me, Miss Brooks. I didn't notice that you weren't looking where you were going. That's all right, Stretch. I have a very forgiving nature. How's Madison Star athlete feeling this lovely, sunny, pre-barbecue day? Well, physically, I feel okay, Miss Brooks. But mentally... Say no more, Stretch. I've been here for low these many years. I'm well aware of your scholastic deficiencies. But let's not talk shop. How are plans coming along for the party tonight? Well, that's what I feel so punk about, Miss Brooks. I'm afraid there ain't going to be no party. Please, Stretch, there isn't going to be any party. You know about it already, huh? Know about what, Stretch? I guess Walter told you about my old man up... My father said this morning. No, he didn't. My father said that he's sick and tired of me not getting nowhere in my studies. And that all parties was off for the entire whole summer. Unless I won this year Yodara Critch Award for English. That sentence should win an award by itself. But, Stretch, do I understand that your old man... Uh, your father... ...means that if you don't win the cup today, the barbecue is canceled? That's right. But I don't have to disinvite all the people I invited. Gee, I hate to do that, Miss Brooks. I'd hate to have you do it, Stretch. Tell me the truth. Have you studied for this test at all? Well, sure I have. I always study for everything. And for this English test, I study even harder than I ever done. Something done told me the barbecue is cooked. Look, Stretch, there's still a few hours before the exam. Maybe you could get somebody to coach you. I thought of that, Miss Brooks. I was just going to ask Walter Denton to help me. Walter Denton? Sure. He's much smarter than me. Final exams in our regular term, he beat me by 20 points. Yes, I know. What a mark he got. Boy, 29. It shows you what some last-minute cramming can do. But I don't think Walter's the ideal tutor for you, Stretch. Now, Harriet Conklin would give you some pointers. Wait a minute. Isn't that the happy couple going into my class? Sure, those are them. Hey, Walter, wait up. Hi, how are you, too? Brad, how are you, too? Well, OK, thanks. Miss Brooks is just saying that if somebody coaches me a while, maybe I've got a chance to get the cup after all. I didn't put it quite that way, but... Gee, it's certainly worth a try. I'd be willing to do whatever I could to help Stretch out. Hey, that reminds me, Miss Brooks. Daddy wants you to pick up the cup and display it in your classroom this morning. It's in the custodian's office right now. Mr. Denton? All right, Harriet, I'll get it. Meanwhile, you tell my class to take a study period. Then you kids can take Stretch into one of these empty rooms and drill whatever you can into him. OK, Miss Brooks, and who knows? As the moon rises over Stretch's barbecue pit tonight, you and Mr. Boynton may yet be fighting your trust beneath the bird bath. I hope so, Walter. I'd hate to think I honed my beak for nothing. Mr. Jensen, may I come in, Mr. Jensen? You are in, Miss Brooks. I guess I am. You wrapped on my door before entering is true, but then you failed to wait so much as a split second before opening it and entering upon the premises. Hence, your query falls into the classification of a purely rhetorical question. Maybe I'd better go out and come in again. Oh, not at all, Miss Brooks. You see, most of us employ altogether too many meaningless phrases in our daily conversation. I try to eliminate them. You've got something there, Mr. Jensen. Where, Miss Brooks? Well, I don't want to seem short with you, but... Oh, you don't seem short to me, Miss Brooks. In fact, you're a nice-sized woman, and it's pretty when due, if I may say so. Who's stopping you? That is, I'd like to tell you what brought me here. Oh, I know the answer to that one. The stork. That's sort of a small joke, isn't it? It is sort of small, yes. The stork saved Miss Jensen a visit just eight weeks ago. Yes, I know. How is the little deer? We didn't have a deer. We had a boy. Yes, I play with him every night when I go home. He holds his head up all by himself, rolls over and everything. He sounds like a real boy, Mr. Jensen. Oh, he's real all right. I stopped playing with dolls when I was 12. We'll be cutting out paper dolls if I hang around here any longer. Look, Mr. Jensen, I just came by to pick up a loving cup, Mr. Conklin left. Pick up, Mr. You can't possibly pick anything up, unless it's beneath you, and the cup of which you speak is standing on that shelf right over your head. All right, Mr. Jensen, then if you don't mind, and even if you do, I'll pick down the loving cup and blow. You, Walter, I'm all muddled up. I even forgot what Harriet said was an adverb. I'll never win that cup. Oh, don't be a quitter, Stretch. You want to have that big barbecue party, don't you? Sure, more than anything, but I'm just no good at English. Everything you tell me goes in both of my ears and out the other. See, I'm no good arithmetic either. Hello, kid. How's it coming? I'm afraid we haven't been much help, Mr. Conklin. He's more confused than ever. Looks like it's up to you to pull Stretch through. Well, I'll try, but there isn't much time left. Here, kid, you take this cup into my room and get ready for the test yourselves. I'll be along with Stretch as soon as I feel he's mastered some of the fundamentals. Okay, Miss Brooks, come on, Harriet. I'll carry the cup. All right, Walter. Good luck, Miss Brooks. You too, Stretch. Thanks. Yes, thanks. Now, Stretch, in this streamlined English course I'm about to give you, we shall eliminate from our discussion all those phases of English in which you already excel. Tell me, in a word, what you know about possessive pronoun. Huh? That's the word I was afraid of. We'll discuss possessive pronoun. Stretch, which of these sentences is correct? My father dislikes my dancing with young girls, or my father dislikes me dancing with young girls. Why pop don't like me dancing with no girls, Miss Brooks? That is not the point, Stretch. Quoting from our grammar, let me read you the simple rule governing the use of possessive pronoun. Listen closely, Stretch. Rule. The substantive preceding the gerund is usually in the possessive case, while the substantive with the present participle is in the nominative or the objective case, according to the use of the substantive in the sentence. Now then, Stretch, which is correct? My father dislikes my dancing with young girls, or my father dislikes me dancing with young girls. My pop don't like me dancing with no girls. I don't blame him know-how. But, Stretch, the use of the word with in the sentence makes it prepositional. So perhaps I should explain the simple rule governing prepositional phrases before I can expect you to understand possessive pronoun. Yeah, maybe that's what's clogging up my mind, Miss Brooks. Maybe if you read me about them prepositional things, I might see the whole thing clear. Then here is the rule, Stretch. A prepositional phrase, a subordinate clause, or a participle phrase, may take the place of a noun in almost any of its relation. Thus the sentence, for him to use the society's money with dishonest, affords us a case in which an infinitive, to use, serving as a noun, the object of the preposition for, as a verb, takes a subject in him and an object in money. And the whole unites to form the subject of the verb was, and it's qualified by the adjective disarmus. Is that clear? Well, Stretch? My pop won't even let me dance with my mother! And so we wave a reluctant farewell to the prepositional phrase and plunge headlong into the subjunctive mood. Rule. If I say, I am John the fisherman, I am making a positive statement, slightly stating that I am indeed John the fisherman. The fisherman, acting in apposition with the noun John, which it explains. But if the word, if I were, precede the noun, the sentence is placed in the subjunctive mood, indicating that the supposition is not a possibility. Thus if I say, if I were John the fisherman, the verb were makes it obvious that I am not John the fisherman, for if I were John the fisherman, I would simply say, I am John the fisherman. What's my name? Why or am I not John the fisherman, if I say, if I were John the fisherman? Well, that's easy. You ain't John the fisherman, Miss Book. You're right. I ain't. But how do you know I ain't John the fisherman? Well, because if you were John the fisherman, you'd be carrying fish instead of that crazy book. At the last, you'd grasp the fundamentals. On to the test. Come to order, class. Before revealing the winner of the Yodark Critch Award for unique achievement in English, I should like to introduce the two gentlemen at my desk. On my right, Madison's popular biology teacher who assisted me in marking the test papers, Mr. Philip Boynhardt. Thank you, students. And on my left, Madison High's beloved principal, Mr. Conklin. Thank you, Harriet. Students, I am as eager as any of you to learn the identity of the lucky pupil who has won this coveted cup. Miss Brooks, would you kindly make the announcement? Yes, sir. The winner is Stretch Snodgrass. Uh-huh? This book, is this some kind of a joke? No, sir. According to your own definition, unique means unmatched and without an equal. Therefore, it gives me a great deal of pleasure that you, Stretch Snodgrass, this silver-loving cup. Oh, gee, thanks, Miss Brooks. But would you tell me one thing? What's that, Stretch? How did I do it? By being unique. In all my experience as a teacher, you are the first student who ever completed an exam without answering one question correctly. Is this very bad for anyone? Steve Arden is our Miss Brooks. He turns in just a moment. But first, Dream Girl, Dream Girl, beautiful Luster Cream Girl. Tonight, yes, tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Luster Cream Shampoo. Luster Cream, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives K-Doom a magic blend of secret ingredients plus gentle aniline. Not a soap, not a liquid. Luster Cream Shampoo leaves hair three ways lovelier, frequently clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen, soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Luster Cream lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Luster Cream Shampoo. So gentle, Luster Cream is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight, yes, tonight, try Luster Cream Shampoo. Dream Girl, Dream Girl, beautiful Luster Cream Girl. You owe your crowning glory to a Luster Cream Shampoo. And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks. Well, Mr. Conklin spent two hours calling the Congressional Library to see if he could change the definition of the word unique. But he couldn't, and the barbecue came off on schedule. So did the moon. And at 7.22, Mr. Boyden and myself were standing next to the bird bath. Oh, look at the little birds in that bath, Miss Brooks. I think you're... They certainly are. Look, they're rubbing their beaks together. Mr. Boyden, you know the old expression when in Rome, do as the Romans do? Well, I've heard it, yes. Well, and next to a bird bath, you're supposed to do as the lovebirds do. Oh, that sounds like fun, Miss Brooks. How's this? And this? And this? I'm going to get a sandwich, Mr. Boyden. Call me when you're through kissing those lovebirds. To another our Miss Brooks show brought to you by Mama and Soap, Your Beauty Hope, and Luster Cream Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair. Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. At last, a good-tasting way to help prevent tooth decay, that new Colgate-ammoniated tooth powder created in Colgate's research laboratories contains the revolutionary dental discovery that helps prevent new cavities, plus Colgate's exclusive foamy cleaning action, and a refreshing minty flavor you will enjoy. Get Colgate-ammoniated tooth powder today. Economical 4-ounce size. Only 43 cents. Here is something for all of us to think over seriously. Democracy stands for freedom, love, and tolerance. And it's up to each of us as citizens to practice it daily. Otherwise, we subject America and our democracy to severe and destructive criticism from forces wishing to do away with the democratic way of life. Now, more than ever before, we must openly protest against anyone around us who speaks or infers slander against any individual or group because of racial or religious difference. If not, we are selling out our heritage, our freedom, and our peace. For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. Norr, the exciting, fun-fact adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Union, choose the evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks. Bob Lamont speaking. It's a CVS for 99 million people gather every week.