 You are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Fred Allen Joan Davis Portland Hoffa Judy Holliday Dennis King Lisa Kirk Herb Shiner Fran Warren Meredith Wilson and my name darlings is Tallulah Bankhead National Broadcasting Company presents the big show America The big show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's all-star festival And here is your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah Bankhead Well darlings, I made it didn't think I would you know this was virus X week Not too severe case my temperature was perfectly normal a hundred and ten But those ghastly medicines they gave me were not so much the medicine the water they made me swallow with it Wonder drugs is a wonder I drug myself out of bed this morning Well this virus thing leaves you so weakened when the doctor turned on that little spotlight to look into my throat I was so weak I could hardly take a bow But I thought I played the whole scene rather well Some of my friends from the theater who came to visit me applauded spontaneously when I had a coughing spasm But wouldn't you know that one of my very best actress friends tried to steal the scene from me What a conniving thing to do in the middle of one of my most dramatic coughs. She has a baby But oh well being ill has his sprite aside to friends come with little gifts for you. I bring you something to Lula. Oh, thank you Joan David Here's a tin of chocolates. Oh You're so sweet Joan. Thank you very much. You're welcome. You'll find their gentle and fast-acting Joan Let's take it easy. I'm not feeling my best yet my throat still somewhat horse. Really? How can you tell? It always happens when I tell people I have laryngitis I get no sympathy at all Well, I've been sick myself since I came here from Hollywood. Oh, I am sorry darling I wish you'd have told me my doctor doesn't marvelous. Oh, I had a doctor. He's a theatrical doctor charges 480 a visit And that's with amusement tax, of course Listen, you know, I just had a wonderful nurse he bathed my brow catered to my every wish held my hand What a wonderful nurse sure hated to see him go Well, you know sounds you were very sick Joe now my blood pressure reached a high of 42 42 you think that's something with my blood pressure at its highest. I owe him 13 points And not only that to Lula just think I have neuritis in every one of my 10 fingers Really? Well, I have neuritis in nine fingers and in my tenth finger. I have birthsitis And besides that I have a cough. I can feel way down in my lungs lungs who's got lungs And here's something else did you know I have a silver plate in my head I Have service for six Top that Five years ago I died well, I died 10 years ago I saw you in lifeboat But that bitch you were doing before about one of your friends stealing your coughing scene by having a baby Well, I had a cold once in Kansas City and one of my visiting friends deliberately had twins Well two years ago when I had my penics removed a girlfriend came to see me in the hospital and had triplets Yeah Eight years ago A picture in Hollywood I tripped and broke my ankle and the director's wife had to take that very minute to have quadruplets 17 years ago When I was touring one of my plays in Canada a woman by the name of Papa Dion I pass can't be five of a kind Is this the private clinic or can anyone get in Lisa Kirk darling Lisa Lisa we were just standing here comparing ailments How do you feel? Oh, I'm in good shape. Yes, I see But how do you feel I'm fine. Oh Lisa, you know Joan Davis, don't you sure hello, Joan Hello, gee, I saw you in that cold part of show kiss me Kate and you introduced that big hit song I'm always true to you darling after an old-fashioned I don't think you know it, but I was quite ill this past week. Oh, I'm so sorry to Lula. Just listen to this Bravo that was beautiful to Lula simply beautiful. Oh, thank you my dear and now for non No for for an encore I will now run my temperature up to a hundred and ten a Measley hundred and ten where I come from. That's for newborn babies Newborn babies. That's an idea ladies and gentlemen for an uncle not here Oh Lisa, how about your song? Well, dear, I feel a song coming on as delirious a song cue as I've ever heard Lisa Kirk singing I feel a song coming on Mary Wilson. How about some music if you please? And it was not Great in spa. It's a melody followed the laughter of children out after heavenly drums Lisa darling, thank you very much your song made me feel much better I think I'm ready to face life again to Lula. Can you face me for a moment? I said life, but I'll settle for you Fred. I'm certainly glad to hear your feeling if you'll pardon the expression You're old self again. I am a little better Fred, but I feel a cold all the time Oh feeling cold is nothing without your glasses instead of a closet You must have stepped into a frigid air during the evening or something But tell me it to Lula did the doc to give you any shots of penicillin The new ballpoint Well, I don't know why Fred, but he gave me five shots a day for a whole week Well, that's the way to get to the seat of your trouble Oh You know, I have had a lot of dealings with doctors. I remember when I was touring at Vaudville may it rest in peace It keeps coming to life on television though You can't the dance acts of beating it down with their canes again Well, when I was touring at Vaudville, I was playing a split week and walla walla three days in each walla And I developed Berry Berry a berry in each walla incident And that was 20 years ago Well, I went to a doctor there and walla walla. He came out with a divining rod and found water on my knee and He gave me Divining rod and a bonfire an old cannibal doc that a bonfire in the office going well His doctor gave me six months to live Well, you suddenly fooled him didn't you Fred and me too Well, there are two schools of thought on that to Lula last evening a mortician beckoned to me from a doorway But I passed him by Every doctor I go to these days tells me that I ought to lose a little weight around the hips So he starts by slimming down my wallet. How it is when you go to a doctor. He feels your purse right away well I Have a doctor now every time I go to him. He gives me another prescription. Well, what are the prescriptions good for Fred? Oh, they're good for the doctor My ulcer sent his oldest son through Harvard My high blood pressure married off his daughter at the Waldorf And my sacro iliac sent his wife to Florida And now frankly to Lou I am a little worried about my liver Why Fred has it been bothering you? Well, not yet But the other day I saw my doctor's wife at Bergdorf Goodman's browsing through the mink coat wrap And I do hope that she finds a short jacket. She likes Because if she doesn't I am in for an operation Well in spite of everything you say Fred, I don't think I've ever seen you looking better What have you been doing lately? Well, I'm out in the air a lot running from doctor to doctor, you know Well things have been picking up for me though as you probably know I was in radio for 17 years until a quiz show knocked me off and I Accumulated thousands of scripts and last week through a stroke of good fortune. I received a very important offer For my old radio script. Oh, that's wonderful Fred. Does that mean you're coming back to radio? Oh, no No, this is a private enterprise. I am selling confetti to small towns who have no celebrities returning These small towns can have the band play and throw the confetti around the streets And that way they can have a big day and they don't even need a celebrity, you see What a way to treat those wonderful jokes in your script Fred All those scripts torn into shreds carried over the streets picked up by the sanitation department Bale sold his waist ground and a pop and converted into paper to make into newspapers and magazines Well, that completes the cycle because that's where I got the jokes in the first place Well some things on the printed page last forever Especially if it's written by George Bernard Shaw one of the great wits of our time Shaw wrote some of the most brilliant satirical comedy we have ever heard in the theater this past week I was going through one of my old theater programs and ran across one of the most brilliant scenes Shaw ever wrote it's in a play called the devil's disciple We cable to London for permission to do an excerpt from this fine satirical comedy And we were fortunate to have secured the services of one of America's and England's finest actors whose portrayal of General Begoin made that evening in the theater so memorable for me ladies and gentlemen, mr. Dennis King the scene New Hampshire the time 1777 during the Revolutionary War the play the devil's disciple was title refers to young Richard Dungeon a American known as the devil's disciple because of his lively disrespect for certain puritan Observances in the play Richard Dungeon has been arrested by the British mistaken for a Yankee Presbyterian Minister One Anthony Anderson whom the British would hang as an example to rebellious colonists as a matter of principle However, Richard does not attempt to save himself by revealing that he is not Anderson as our scene opens The Redcoats prepare to bring Richard Dungeon to trial here We meet general John Burgoyne whom Shaw described as age 55 and very well preserved a man of fashion gallant witty And there was to radically connected enough to have had opportunities of high military distinction Here is Dennis King in his famous role of general Booghine But general sir Major Swindon I presume yes General Booghine if I mistake not I'm glad to have the support of your presence this morning It is not a particularly lively business hanging this poor devil of a minister. No, sir. It is not It's making too much of the fellow to execute him. What more could you have done if he'd been an Episcopalian? Martyrdom sir is what these people like it is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability However, you have committed us to hanging him and the sooner he's hanged the better We've arranged is it for a 12 o'clock nothing remains to be done except to try him Nothing except to save our own necks. Perhaps have you heard the news from Springtown nothing special, sir The latest reports of satisfactory Satisfactory sir satisfactory Well, I'm glad you take that view of them. Do I understand that in your opinion? I do not express my opinion I never stood to that habit of profane language which unfortunately Courses our profession if I did sir Perhaps I should be able to express my opinion of the news from Springtown the news which you have Apparently not heard How soon do you get news from your supports here in the course of a month? Hey, I suppose the reports have been taken to you sir instead of to me Is there anything serious well Springtown's in the hands of the rebels since yesterday since two o'clock this morning Perhaps we shall be in their hands before two o'clock tomorrow morning Have you thought of that as to that general the British soldier will give a good account of himself and therefore? I suppose sir the British officer need not know his business The British soldier will get him out of all his blunders with a bayonet In future sir, I must ask you to be a little less generous with the blood of your men and a little more generous with your own Brains, I'm sorry sir. I cannot pretend to your intellectual eminence I can only do my best and rely on the devotion of my countrymen May I ask are you writing a melodrama major Swindon? No, sir. Oh, what a pity what a pity Do you at all realize sir that we have nothing standing between us and our destruction? But our own bluff and the sheepishness of these colonists They are men of the same English stock as ourselves Six to one of us six to one sir and nearly half our troops are Hessians Bruntwickers German Dragoons and Indians with scalping knives These are the countrymen upon whose devotion you rely Suppose the colonists find a leader Suppose the news from Springtown should turn out to mean that they have already found a leader What should we do then a our duty sir? I presume quite so quite so well. Thank you major Swindon Thank you. Well now you settle the question sir thrown a flood of light on the situation What a comfort to me to feel that I have at my side so devoted and able and officer to support me in this emergency I Yeah, I think sir it will probably relieve both our feelings if you proceed to hang this dissenter without further delay Especially as I am debarred by my principles from the customary military vent for my feelings Bring your man in yes, sir and mention to an air officer You may meet that the court cannot wait any longer for him. The staff is perfectly ready, sir They've been waiting your convenience for fully half an hour perfectly ready My Ah good morning gentlemen. Good morning. Sorry to disturb you. I'm sure it's very good of you to spare us a few moments Will you presides of no sir? I I feel my own deficiency is too keely to presume so far If you'll kindly allow me I will sit at the feet of Gamedo as you please sir I'm only trying to do my duty under excessively trying circumstances Who Who is that woman prisoner's wife, sir? She begged me to allow her to be present and I thought you thought it would be a pleasure for her quite so quite so quite So give the give the lady a chair and make her thoroughly comfortable Your name sir come you don't mean to say you've brought me here without knowing who I am as a matter of form So give me your name as a matter of form then my name is Anthony Anderson Presbyterian minister in this town Indeed Pray mr. Anderson. What do you gentlemen believe? I shall be happy to explain if time has allowed me I cannot undertake to complete your conversion in less than a fortnight. We are not here to discuss your view who I stand review Oh, not I say oh, don't mention it. Don't mention it. They just winden. Oh, mr. Anderson India any political views. I understand. That's just what we're here to find out Do you mean to deny that you are a rebel? I am an American sir What do you expect me to think of that speech mr. Anderson? I never expect a soldier to think sir That's awfully good. Oh, that's my advice you not to be insolent sir You can't help yourself general When you make up your mind to hang a man you put yourself at a disadvantage with him. Why should I be civil to you? I may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb You have no right to assume that the court has made up its mind without a fair trial and you're please not address Me as general I am major swindler a thousand pardons I thought I had the honor of addressing gentlemanly Johnny I Believe I am gentlemanly Johnny sir at your service my more intimate friends call me general Burgoyne You will you will understand sir I hope since you seem to be a gentleman and a man of some spirit in spite of your calling that if we should have the Misfortune to hang you we shall do so as a mere matter of political necessity and military duty without any Personal ill-feeling oh quite so that makes all the difference in the world of course Oh believe me sir You are placing us under the greatest obligation by taking this very Disagreeable business so so thoroughly in the spirit of a gentleman Sergeant give mr. Anderson a chair Now major swin we're waiting for you You are aware I presume mr. Anderson Of your obligations as a subject of his majesty King George the third I am aware sir that his Majesty King George the third is about to hang me because I object to Lord north's robbing me that is a Treasonable speech yes, I mean it to be mr. Anderson. Don't you think that this is rather Well, if you'll excuse the word a vulgar line to take no Why should you cry out robbery because of a stamp duty in a tea duty and so forth after all it is the Essence of your position as a gentleman that you pay with a good grace. It is not the money general But to be swindled by a pig-headed lunatic like King George That is another point of view isn't it? Yes, well my my position does not allow of my going into that Except in private but of course mr. Anderson if you're determined to be hanged Nothing more to be said an unusual taste However, shall we call witnesses what need is there of witnesses the townspeople here had listened to me you'd have found the streets Barricaded the houses loophole and the people in arms to hold the town against you to the last man You arrived unfortunately before we'd got out of the talking stage, and then it was too late Well, sir, we shall teach you and your townspeople are less than they'll not forget Have you anything more to say I think you might have the decency to treat me as a prisoner of war and shoot me like a man Instead of hanging me like a dog now there mr. Anderson you talk like a civilian if you'll excuse my saying so Have you any idea the average marksmanship of the army of his majesty King George the first? Now if we if we make you up a firing party what will happen Half of them will miss you The rest will make a mess of the business and leave you to the Bravo Marshals pistol Whereas mr. Anderson we can hang you in a perfectly work more like and agreeable manner. Oh Mr. Anderson, let me persuade you to be hang Thank you general that view of the case did not occur to me before to oblige you I withdraw my objection to the rope hang me by all means yes Will her will tell the clock suit you mr. Anderson. I shall be at your disposal then general You have my greatest admiration sir well Nothing more to be said gentlemen But a brilliant performance thanks first you find supporting players Martin Blaine and Horace Bram and as for you Dennis King Come over here darling. I want to say hello. Hello to the law Dennis may I say there isn't another actor in the theater today? We could have got to play that part. Yes to Lula as cheaply as we got you Well, thank you to Lula. Thank you, and you'll pardon me pointing this out I'm sure but so far your writers have given me three scintillating brilliant lines. They are hello to Lula Yes to Lula and thank you to Lula now. Do you mind darling if I supply a little gem of my own? Oh, of course you may darling. Goodbye to Lula. Oh, no, you don't Come back here Dennis. I want to talk to you to Lula I am not going to stand here and bandy bad jokes with you about your strange singing voice about your singularly marital status or about this Decadent Expressionist medium call radio for which you have forsaken the theater, but Dennis I have I will not stand here hemming and whoring over this ghoulish career You've chosen for yourself as contrasted with a theater which gave you birth and nourished you and molded you Into an artist whose colorful character portrait even now hang in the halls of theatrical fame But darling, I will not hem and haul With these few dismal lines of limp Lackluster lunacies you've handed me to read to amuse these gape pink stragglers who've wandered into this radio theater And for free yet Are you quite finished hamming and whoring? What I started to say to you before you began that impersonation of Arthur treacher I was so taken with your performance a few moments ago I was trying to invite you to play the summer theaters with me this season in the revival of my play private lives Well, I could rather die You have been listening to this show haven't you and I don't see why you won't play it with me after all last year You were in a play as general be gone. So this season you're on Broadway in a play called Billy bird as Captain veer So the way you're being demoted by this summer. You'll be just right for private lives You've been listening too closely Why won't you play with me darling? I beg your pardon in private life? Please try to keep the conversation at intellectual level of this program very well may I help you down darling? Very clever About his clever that young man in the play you just did choosing hanging rather than shooting Oh, you would have preferred shooting naturally It is my fondest hope that when I reach 90 I should be shocked by a jealous wife I Have been listening to Melody Wilson and the big show orchestra and chorus I'll take just a moment before we continue to say that this is NBC the national broadcasting company The big show This is the national broadcasting company Sunday extravaganza with the most scintillating Personalities in show business the big show the Sunday night feature of NBC's all-star festival is brought to you by RCA Victor world leader in radio first and recorded music first in television by Chester field The only cigarette that gives you a mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste the cigarette that brings you pink prosby and Bob hope and By the makers of anison for fast relief from the pain of headache your anison your out The big stars in this program are Fred Allen Joan Davis Portland Hoffa Judy Holliday Dennis King Lisa Kirk Herb Schreiner Fran Warren Meredith Wilson and his big show orchestra and chorus and every week your hostess the glamorous unpredictable to Lula Bankhead This is our 25th big show and they are two more to go before we start a new season in the fall and Don't think I'm not looking forward to that summer vacation I haven't quite made up my mind yet where I'm going several people have written in suggesting where I could go But in the summer I prefer someplace cooler I'd like to go to a quiet place where well nobody's running off me for autographs no photographers No reporters someplace. Nobody knows me Sounds like CBS Well, I haven't picked this bus yet, but I've made it my mind to go away somewhere Yes, I am Judy darling, this has been a very bad week for me I was sick in bed and running a temperature and the only reason the doctor let me out today is because I had to do this Show and I promised my doctor. I wouldn't allow my stuff to get excited So, Judy, will you please lay off the single stuff so I can follow my doctor's office. I'm sorry. That's better Dr. Single. Oh, Judy Well, please don't I'm quite happy the way I am all I need is a little rest and a change of scene That's why I'm planning a boat trip this summer. I may go to go to England a nice Englishman is nice I might go to France the Frenchman will be nice. I might even go to Tangiers I'm not taking a boat trip to get married. I'm just going for a change Well, wouldn't that be to walk the deck with you and I don't expect to do much deckwalking I'll probably be violently ill the whole way over Alright, so we'll stand by the rail and hold your head. I'm sure you have You've probably got the wedding date set and everything. It doesn't matter if I love him or not So what if you don't love him? Just don't hate him. I put one really Judy I wouldn't even know how to get to Brooklyn. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it It is better to getting a European husband. They're much more romantic They're not for me American men are the best Sure, they're the best, but it's living over there to Lula. Maybe he'll be an Englishman It'll be so romantic walking along the Thames River. It's Thames darling. Oh 10s in your big limousine with a chauffeur and you stay at these gems. It's James It's certainly off so I'll make my ocean trip by myself You can get off the lonely on a boat by yourself. Oh, I don't know. There's always the captain or the first mate Well, that's what I say first mate and then go. Oh, I get it Here's a word from RCA Victor Last week the curtain went up on the 75th anniversary of the National Baseball League and the 50th anniversary of the American League And there's no better way to celebrate than by enjoying at first hand the thrills and the clean sportsmanship of baseball today Baseball today, it's the American way Of course next best thing to a seat in the stands is a seat in front of a 19-inch RCA Victor television RCA Victor's new extra powerful picture pickup gives you the best possible reception everywhere You know RCA Victor television is most in demand, but here's really important news RCA Victor 19-inch television is available. It's on display now at dealer stores So insist on the best insist on seeing 19-inch million proof television by RCA Victor When you do you'll agree inch-for-inch your best buy in television is RCA Victor 19-inch And while we're on the subject of RCA This would be as good a time as any to present our next singing star Fran Warren Fran is one of the top recording stars of RCA and she is going to sing her latest RCA smash record It just so happens it's a tune which is written by our very own Meredith Wilson. It's that bright and gay new spring tune called here comes the springtime Fran, Meredith, how about getting together on it darlings? Here comes the springtime and there goes my heart All my resistance is falling apart I don't need Sweet evening breeze go away. It's my luck since my luck's unhand me Fresh morning. Do you are soaking me through with feelings that don't understand? Comes the springtime and comes the springtime and there goes my heart Pilots, I'm loving. It's a bouncy tune, isn't it, Tallulah? Yes, and you know who sang it for the first time anywhere. I thought I did You did not Joan Davis and I happened to have introduced that tune on this very program The minute Meredith finished writing it why the ink wasn't even dry yet. Oh, yes, I heard it messy, wasn't it? What I don't understand is why nobody asked me to record these tunes After all my recording about be seeing you as a smash record Yes, I smashed mine Accidentally, I trust. Oh, of course it was an accident, Tallulah. You happen to be walking across a big shoulder That's right. Oh Here she is again lethal holiday Judy dear, I want you to meet Fran Warren Fran Judy holiday. Hello. Hi, I do Brad is a very good friend of mine Judy some friends She's such a good friend of yours. What she stands so close to you looking so young and pretty Why thank you very much Miss Holly, but I'm not really that pretty One of our most popular singers springtime big deal We'll show them low bridge. He was the first kid in the neighborhood with a convertible top when it was over He said we should get married on his GI unemployment insurance He was so formal he tipped his hero two young men who are always in season being cross be and Bob hope Bob do you realize we only have one thing in common hardly enough for a happy marriage is it what's that being? Chesterfields, of course, we both like them. We both sell and we'd better get this on the now You know folks better tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste How do you know they're miles? Well, you just make our mildest test you buy them open them up and enjoy that milder Aroma and smoke a Chesterfield. You'll know it's milder because it smokes milder and Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only Cigarette taste panel so always buy Chesterfield. Let's sum it up musically By Chesterfield Chesterfield the one that proves its case Yes, Chesterfields are milder milder plus no aftertaste Oh, oh open a pack and give them a sniff then you'll smoke them Hey, Tallulah. Yes, Joan Davis, you know Judy and I have been talking about your problem Now look Joan don't you start that too? We were talking about spring. Let's stick to that subject Yeah, but I hate spring all it means to me is spring cleaning You know I had a six-room apartment in Hollywood and every year come spring So one year I cleaned up all the stuff that accumulated and shoved it into the library and locked it up In the next year there wasn't any room left in the library So I shoved it all in the living room and locked it up and I've been doing it for five years I now have the cutest little one-room apartment you ever saw The tile is just spotless I really went down the drain I should have taken the punch Well, maybe we'd get it back better get back to the other subjects. You know it's starting to sink anyway You know Judy and I think that there must be something wrong with your technique Because you've got everything a man would want. I have darling. Oh sure Yeah, you got money and um You've got uh Don't rush me now. I'll thank you You've got give me time here now. I well they say I'm uh loaded with glamor. Oh sure. You're loaded You got money Money isn't everything there was a proverb I learned when I was a child money is the root of all evil I knew it backwards. Yes, an evil spell backwards is live So live a little spend your money already Spend money. I'll have you know Joan this gown cost me 750 dollars 750 dollars Well, you should cut down on your gowns and if you cut your gowns down far enough you could get yourself a man Then he'd pay for him see I spend my own money. I spent $13,000 on the mink coat. I bought a house in the country for $49,000. It was on sale And I just bought a town car for $8,000 all that money. She can spend but 10 cents to call up a fella. She can't afford Judy I never phone a man. How do you like that, Joan? She never phones a man Yeah, a salmon swims all the way upstream to find a mate and she won't walk across the street to phone a man I am not interested in meeting a salmon Oh, all right, I give up how long can I fight this don't fight it to lula. It's bigger than both of us All right, Joan. Now. What do you want me to do? Well, we're going to show you how to call up and make a date with a man You're going to show me Why do I have to do this don't fight it to lula? What about my ego? It's bigger than both of us Look, uh, we'll call up somebody anybody. We'll pick a number out of a hat Uh stetson five four two six and seven eights That's a good one. I'll call him Now watch the way I handle this to lula. You got to be aggressive. Don't take no for an answer. Watch this Hello Hello, Fred. This is Joan. What are you doing tonight? Come on over and I'll cook dinner roast beef. Uh, no, Joan I'm sorry, but I'm busy tonight Well, how about saturday night? No. No, I can't make it saturday A week from saturday Look, Joan, I am going to be out of town for a couple of months. I won't be back until july 15th That's a date And don't forget it now. I've already got the roast beef in the oven You put the roast beef on now for july 15th. It'll be all right. It's on a low flame I hope you like it rare Look, Joan, I have to read these straight lines, but I don't have to eat your cooking Well, then how about taking me to dinner tonight? I have a dinner date Well, how about later and we'll go to a movie? I'll be busy How about nightclub? I told you I'm going to be busy Well, let me put it this way. How about coming over to my house and we'll neck. I'll be right over You see simple. I mean you see simple How I mix them up. Hello mean, who is this calling? You called me This is fred alan. Well just thinking about me. You just called me We have a date for friday night Now look judy, I can't make any dates Well, let me put it this way. How about coming over to my house and we'll neck. That's a date. I'll be right over I'm gonna do it. Go ahead. Try it. Oh very well, but I think you two waste too much time. Get to the point All right. Get to the phone. Hey for luck dial with the fourth finger of your left hand Hello, oh, hello, this is tulula. How about coming over to the house and necking Who is this? This is mrs. fred alan You see that always happens to me Every day you hear more and more about an incredibly fast way to relieve the pains of headache neuritis and neuralgia It's anisin anacin Now the reason anisin is so wonderfully fast-acting and effective is this Anisin is like a doctor's prescription That is anisin contains not just one but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anisin tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief anisin brings from pains of headache neuritis or neuralgia So the next time a headache strikes take anisin anacin Anisin in handy boxes of 12 and 30 economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Ask for anisin at any drug counter Here is meredith wilson with the big show orchestra and chorus playing john scott trotter's lovely new tune Any town is paris when you're young meredith darling, if you please Do Is Darling's we have more show for you But we'll take just a moment out here first to let ed hurley He say this portion of the program has been brought to you by rca victor world leader and radio first and recorded music first in television By chance to feel the only cigarette that gives you a mildness plus no unpleasant aftertaste The best cigarette for you to smoke and by the makers of anisin for fast relief from the pain of headache neuritis and neuralgia And now to lula if you ring your child glad the ed this darlings is nbc the national broadcasting company This is the big show and to lula bankhead is about to introduce her next guest now to make the big show complete ball of fun Here's that long tall fella the small town tales the homespun who's here who just mows it in here's herb shrana Well miss bankhead after that big send-off you just gave me there I can't hardly wait to hear what I got to say Actually, I didn't mosey over though. I tell you the truth. I come in a taxi cab, which is uh, well, I didn't figure on doing that I never do that I had to this time though Oh, well you were afraid you were going to be late to me, huh? Well, you see the wind blew my hat into the cab and before I could get out of there the meter was up to half a dollar Figure I go along with it But you know this is one place where the taxi meters seem to go faster than the cabs do Well, I guess you find it costs quite a bit to do this town Well, it's a pretty big town. I'll tell you that I know what costs so much Mostly is these tips. I mean you get uh, will you take the over to hotel where I'm staying? They got a fella out in front there the doorman And he's got a kind of a good deal there. He gets between you and something he's going to do anyways And then he charged you for it He got me this afternoon pretty good Charged me a quarter just to open the door I wasn't even going out It wasn't like that around home. I'll tell you what you remind me of the last time you were here You told us some fascinating things about your hometown in indiana. Are you really from indiana? Yep, me and all my folks are from indiana I'll accept my grandfather. He was born over in ohio, but he moved to indiana as soon as he heard about it What time are you from down there? I may have played it when I was on tour sometime Well, I don't think so. It's not the kind of town that anybody'd ever stop off in I mean unless they got on the wrong road or something and they wouldn't uh Well, actually you see what they'd usually do is just roll their windows up and keep going Is that kind of a town? I doubt if you ever played at miss bankhead. Do we didn't get any shows? We'd get plays or operas or uh, well actually we didn't get nothing But there's enough of it to go around we all got in on it anyways Well that way I guess nobody felt left out. What do you suppose was holding the town back? Well, I think the trouble was we didn't have enough get up and go Actually, you'd get up and in there wasn't any place to go anyways So he'd just kind of lay there All right, I think I'm beginning to get a picture of him. I've been through a lot of those towns I can see the little four corners a bank on one corner barbershop on the other statue in the middle of the square And ain't quite that big I tell you we didn't have any bank out there Actually, we didn't need one either if you would anybody'd save up any money. They'd use it to get out of town And the barbershop wasn't what you thought it was either actually we had a fellow that run the barbershop Well, he wasn't even a barber. He was uh You'd never know unless he cut your hair, of course a lot of us didn't ever think much about it He was a chicken farmer and He'd give you a haircut. All right. He had dip your head in a bucket of hot water and he just kind of ripped the hair out Of course, uh, nobody ever said anything about it. He only charged a dime But uh, you know, you spoke about the statue, uh, we didn't even have a statue around there That's the thing that used to make me feel so bad. Uh We had a blank spot right in the center of town there where we is uh figuring on putting one up But uh, you know not having a statue you couldn't even keep pigeons around there It was a mess. So what we thought we'd do Uh, we were going to uh, we were going to put a statue up for a local fellow that had gone off and got famous And uh, then he never came back so we could find out who he was And the trouble was he left us sort of uh hung up there. We'd already bought the cement, you know and uh We had piled it up in the center of town. It got to blown around there and everybody's eyes So uh, we started cussing him out then, you know, he is uh, well, he couldn't come back now if he wanted to People got so peeved at him there and uh, I think he went from a hero to a bum. It was just uh, it was a shame too Well, we had the cement. We thought we better do something. We was going to use a local fellow We wanted to get another hero. We was uh short on them On home We uh, we could have used the one from out of town, but uh, we didn't want to do that. We'd have him coming in there on the bum So uh, we was going to use this local fellow. He was a very heroic fellow. He's kind of a part-time hero He had lots on on the uh, I mean he was actually uh, pretty heroic The only trouble was that uh, he weighed about 300 pounds. He's very heavy set And uh, we didn't have that much cement So uh, we didn't know what to do with the thing there. We uh, we had already uh, actually we decided to look for another hero But this fellow's about the only one we had that could pass for a hero and he had actually not deserved it I mean, I think that uh, well, you'd probably say why put that fellow up for a statue Well, it's a good question and uh, I'm kind of glad you asked but I'll tell you what he did He uh, he had a kind of a, well actually he was a very nice fellow as far as uh being a hero He had done two or three different things there. He was uh, he was likable for one thing. I mean he uh And he was kind of eccentric too. I mean he was uh, well he was drunk is what he was But uh I'll tell you what what happened was that uh, he would drink and even though he had drink He would get uh likable with it. I mean he is one of these fellows more he had drink he more likable he'd get And I never forget this one night. Uh, he was so likable he couldn't even stand up and I never forget it it uh In fact, that was the night that that was the night that he did this heroic deed. I was about to mention You see we had a big fire that night. It was uh over at the firehouse. I never forget that either The uh The firehouse had caught fire and it was uh, it was kind of a shame the fireman was giving this big party that night too It was uh always a swell party was a benefit and the proceeds was to go for very worthy cause. I remember that I think they was going to use the money to buy liquor for the next party And uh It was uh, oh and also they were celebrating this new brass pole They had just got a brass pole put up in the middle of the firehouse right there in the center where a fowl could Well, he'd be laying in bed up there for example He could jump out of bed grab that pole and slide right down to the card table And uh, it's possible Uh, I don't know what happened, but while they was doing the celebrating this fire got kind of out of hand there And uh, this fellow made a hero out of himself. He rushed into that burning firehouse and rescued the liquor And uh, two girls that they had pouring for them Well that put him over That put him over and actually he got all the credit and the fireman didn't even get a thank you for their Work it was a shame and I actually think they deserved an awful lot of credit if it hadn't been for them I think the whole thing would have burnt down in about 20 minutes They kept it going putting here all night there It was uh, that made that fellow a hero and you know, he was never the same after that He started kind of getting swell headed there like you know, and he was drinking more and more of course and uh He had already drunk quite a bit, but now he was uh, even buying some And uh, what uh, what he did he he got himself he quit his job and uh, he was uh, oh, I know the name the sheep dip after him You know I think that uh, that made him feel like he had gone to the top of the heap or something. I don't know He got swell headed and he raised a mustache too And uh, actually it looked uh, we got kind of worried all of us at knowing We thought we was a little bit worried for fairy might turn out to be a bum And his folks was worried too So they got him into politics where he wouldn't be noticed You know, uh, I tell you you've never seen a more honest politician that fellow He just seemed to take to that like a uh, a duck to the water and and on top of it He was just as honest as could be too. He had uh, I mean if he'd get bought off he'd stay bought. He wasn't shifty Well, he did he did a couple things. It don't sound like he did anything But you know, he got in there he got to be mayor and uh, we had to kind of a little trouble around town there We had uh, well he wanted a paved highway. We'd been after that for quite a while. He built it And uh, it was a beautiful road. I mean, I got to say that in all credit to him It run the full length of his property and I believe Actually, he did a couple of things. It was uh, he did one other thing too We never got any tourists like I was telling miss bank yet. Nobody ever stopped off there And uh, he fixed that he reduced the speed limit to zero And then he passed the law against backing up Well, uh Speaking of backing up, I've kind of got myself here to where I've got to back off and kind of simmer down But uh, I know that kind of gives you an idea what it was like. Ain't that right? Oh, Donna darling, you're simply divine and hilarious I know the folks are entertaining at the Capri Plaza in Boston feel the same way And now Meredith has one of his famous chiffon arrangements ready for us the number reflections in the water Meredith darling, if you please And While I'm at it Meredith, I do want to thank you so very much for that wonderful story You wrote about me in this month's tv screen magazine. Oh to Lula. Oh, yes, Fred As I sat here dozing through the second act of your modest little charade I had a bad dream and it involved you would you care to hear about it enough particularly, you know Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not particularly anxious to tell it But if I don't something tells me Phil Harris will come on the air five minutes earlier tonight I think the dream was brought on by something I heard earlier in the show this evening because Judy and Joan were trying to get you married off. You know that part I think that's what prompted the whole thing because in my dream you were married to Dennis king I'd rather die Promises promises all evening. You've been promising Well, my dream was like one of those daytime radio serials as the curtain went up It was an actor's wedding. You were being married at the little Lowe's Delancey theater around the corner You and Dennis were coming down the aisle now There was no choir and your two bridesmaids Fran Warren and Lisa Kirk were singing the wedding march To Godway remember me to Harold square Do you Dennis king take this woman to be your awful wedded wife? Oh, excuse me, sir. Yes, mr. King. What is it? We ask yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, of course. I beg your pardon, mr. King Do you Dennis King star of billy bud now playing at the bilkmore theater on west 47th street? Matinees Wednesday and Saturday Take this woman to be your awful wedded wife To do or not to do That is the question What is the answer to do And do you to lula brockman bankhead? Of course, I do naturally I do. Why do you think I got all dressed up in these white slacks? Do you hear me? I do I now pronounce you man and wife. Would you mind making that wife and man? And so Dennis brought to lula to their little honeymoon cottage Well, here we are my dear after you to lula Easy does it. That's it. Now you can put me down Oh, good heavens. Who is this child? Oh, this is my surprise for you to lula This is our little girl our little girl. Yes. I wanted to save you the bother. So I ordered her from room service Come here child. Say hello to your mother and father. Hello daddy. Hello mommy. I'm your mommy. He's your daddy Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to make an announcement at this time Although portland is their child be it known to all creditors I do not consider either mr. King or miss bankhead my father-in-law or my mother-in-law Back to the plot. We may have something going here bigger than just plain bill How you do And who are you? We wanted a couple of governess and a chauffeur. Now if you're the governess, what is your husband? All right governess you can put the child to bed now. Okay. Come on kid. I don't wanna I want to watch television television. How do you Take her out and wash her mouth with soap and water Honest, I don't know where she picked up that dirty way Tell us we look in on denison to lula again It is now 13 weeks later and they have decided to pick up each other's options for another 13 weeks Dennis darling, this is our very first anniversary. We're having guests for dinner I've invited jone davis and her new husband june davis. Oh, no to lula. Why why do you know her? Well, not very well. I think I was married to her once Well, darling who wasn't I want you to meet um, oh, oh, that's you dear. Hello, jones. Oh to lula. How are you? I want you to meet my new husband herb shriner. How do you do mr. Shriner? Hello I understand you just got back from your honeymoon jones. Oh, yes. We just came back from europe on the normandy The normandy my dear the normandy was destroyed by fire at the pier here in new york several years ago Yeah, no one ever toast was so burned Get to sing her song now. Oh, this is our little girl's governess and she's taught the child a song I want you to hear it. Uh, oh, yes bring her in now judy The first I got to introduce it give the little kid a big hand the white wing At this point I must interrupt to explain that I have the only banjo in town that can accompany this child's voice Now when my banjo starts ladies and gentlemen, do not let it fool you It's only a banjo, but it sounds like a symphony orchestra. Listen, what business are you in? Well, originally, uh, I mean that back home in indiana. That is, uh, I used to be a winter trimmer in a feed store Well, how do you trim a feed store window? Well, it was kind of an easy job. I just uh, put some clean flypaper in there and that's about it Sometimes we wash the cat put him back in there too Isn't he clever then he went to the general store tell him herb Well, that was kind of an easy job too. Actually, I uh, I'd go over there on saturday morning and I'd kind of dust off the penny candy, you know, and uh Then the fellow that had the store was getting a lot of crackers stole out of the cracker barrel So he got peeved and he put a snapping turtle in there So, uh, saturdays I'd go over there and walk the turtle Storekeeper was a bug on cleanliness Well, what business are you in now? Well, it's something I've been working on back around home and uh, well, it's a self-service funeral parlor I don't know. It's just never caught on. I don't know if the uh, I don't think the town is ready for it Oh, they're ready for it. They just don't know it Well, that was life at the mister and mrs. Dennis kings and now we picked them up 13 weeks later and another option is coming up Where were you last night? What time did you get in? Were you out with that jone davis or is it duty? Why didn't you show up here for dinner? Why do you think I am? What do you think I am? Where were you? Why don't you answer me? Goodbye, we are through Once again a 13 week option was not picked up because of a quiz show gentlemen From the great heart of the american poet wart whitman comes an eloquently prideful expression of love for america An expression which is certainly as timely today as it was many years ago when he wrote it The offspring towering air so high Yet how are the above all towering? With victory on thy left and at thy right hand law Thou union holding all fusing absorbing tolerating all The ever thee I sing Thou also Thou a world With all thy wide geographies manifold Different distant Grounded by thee in one one common orbit language One common indivisible destiny for all And by the spells which he bought safe to those your ministers in earnest I hear personify and call thy themes To make them pass before you Behold america And thou ineffable guest and sister For thee come trooping up thy waters and thy lands Behold thy fields and farms Thy far off woods and mountains as in procession coming Behold the sea itself And on its limitless even breast the ships See where their white sails bellowing in the wind speckled the green and blue See the streamers coming and going Steaming in and out of port See dusky and undulating the long penance of smoke Behold an oregon far in the north and west Or in main far in the north and east Thy cheerful axmen wielding all day their axes Behold on the lakes thy pallets at their wheels Thy oarsmen how the ash rise under those mustill around There by the furnace and there by the anvil Behold thy sturdy blacksmiths swinging their sledges Overhand so steady Overhand they turn and fall with joyous tank Like a tumult of loft Mark the spirit of invention everywhere Thy rapid patterns Thy continual workshops foundries risen or rising See from their chimneys how the tall flame fires stream Mark thy intaminable farms north south Thy wealthy daughter states eastern and western The varied products of ohio pennsylvania Missouri georgia Texas and the rest Thy limitless crops grass wheat sugar oil corn rice hemp crops Thy barns all filled the endless freight train and the bulging storehouse The grapes had ripened on thy vines The apples and the orchards The incalculable lumber beef pork potatoes Thy coal thy gold and silver The inexhaustible iron in thy mines All thine oh sacred union Ships farms shops barns factories mines City and state north South item and aggregate We dedicate dread mother all to thee Protect this absolute now Bulbacum all For well we know That while thou givest each and all Generous as God Without thee neither all nor each Nor land home Nor ship nor mine Nor any here this day secure Nor art Nor any day secure That's our show for this week and next week we'll have milton burl rosemary cluny jimmy durante frank love joy gordon mccrae ethyl merman and others and of course our very own Meledith wilson and the big show ocotan chorus until then May the good lord bless and keep you By the near or far away duty May you find that long Joan may your troubles all be small ones And your fortune ten times ten lisa May the good lord bless and keep you Till we Dennis He'll your duty But bless and keep you until we meet Again Good night darlings and godspeed to our armed forces all over the world who hear these broadcasts each week