 The Grape Nuts Flakes Program with Rochester, Dennis Day, Bill Goodwin, Paul Weyman and his orchestra, and yours truly, Don Wilson, and appearing for Jack Benny, who is confined with a cold, we have Jack's personal friends, George Burns and Gracie Allen. Well ladies, now that shoes are being raced, you won't want to waste any shoe leather tracking down your week's food order. So though I don't say run, I do say walk to your nearest grocers for a big 12-ounce economy-sized package of delicious toasty brown grape nuts flakes. Your grocer has plenty of grape nuts flakes, for whole-brain cereals are abundant and thrifty, and they are not rationed. And government nutrition experts say we should eat more of them. Eat them oftener. You see, grape nuts flakes in your diet help you to make up for other food shortages, because they provide many nutritional essentials, including protective minerals and vitamins. And you get more flavor galore. Very rich goodness, plus toasty brown texture in each luscious spoonful. So take a shortcut to thriftier, grand-tasting, nourishing breakfast by asking your grocer for grape nuts flakes. Ladies and gentlemen, when Jack Benny found that he couldn't do his broadcast tonight, he told me to call on his good friends, George Burns and Gracie Allen, and asked them to pinch hit for him. So I started for the Burns Hotel to tell them about Jack's problem, never dreaming that another problem was already brewing in the domestic life of George and Gracie. Say, Gracie, would you please get away from that piano? We've been in New York a week now, and that's all I've heard. But George March 16th is my concert with Paul Weidman and Carnegie Hall. If I don't practice, I may lose all the magic in my finger. Look, don't you realize that you're driving everybody nuts with this idea? In the past week, Paul Weidman has lost 20 pounds. Oh, I don't think he really lost them there. I think they just slipped down a little. Gracie, why don't you give up the concert idea and try to take an interest in something else? Oh, I've been busy, George. I spent a whole day showing Herman the sights of the city. That's great. Sightseeing with a silly duck. Well, he enjoyed every minute of it, especially at City Hall when I took him in to see Mayor LaGuardia. Gracie, you shouldn't take a duck in to see LaGuardia. Well, I simply have to, George. I knew he'd never get another chance to meet a Mayor that he could stand beside and look right in the eye. Well, uh, I never thought of that. Well, you have to excuse me now, George. I have to go work on the gown I'm designing to wear at my concert. Now, Gracie, that can't... Oh, it's a wonderful gown, dear. I decided it should be a musical creation, white-stattin' with a very wide skirt. What's musical about that? Well, that's the beauty of it, dear. No one will realize how clever I am until I sit down and lean back. And then what happens? Well, I've got an accordion in the bustle. Oh, no. Well, I'll be back in a minute, dear. I wonder how it feels to be married to a woman who makes sense. Oh, well, I'll never know. Come in. Hello, George. Well, I'll be down. Don Wilson. Come on in, Donna. How's Jack? I'm here, George. Jack has a bad cold. Really? Well, I'm sorry to hear it. Uh, he'd like me to ask you a favor, George. For sure, anything at all. Well, Jack won't be able to work tonight, so he wants you and Gracie to take over his show. Now, can you do it? Well, sure, Don. We'll be happy to do anything for Jack. Naturally, he knows that your time is valuable, and he doesn't expect you to do it for nothing. Oh, now, Don. He wants me to tell you that while he's lying in bed, he'll knit you a muffler. Ah, good old Jack. All you have to do is buy the knitting needles and four balls of yarn. Isn't, uh, isn't four balls of yarn a lot for a muffler? Oh, Jack wants one, too. Oh, well, that's nice. That's nice. Gee, I've always envied Jack getting all those laughs, and here's my chance to kill all the people just by saying, hmm, or, uh, yipe. And then he always gets a scream when he says, I do not marry and shut up. Yeah, that Benny does save the furrier than he has been. Yes. He's a real wit. Yes. Oh, wifey, I'm glad you dropped in. No, no, Gracie. I'm Don Wilson. Don't you remember? Oh, of course, Don. How silly of me. I should have looked at your face first. Uh, Gracie, Don has got some news for us. Yes, Gracie. You see, Jack Benny is sick in bed, and he wants you in. Oh, he's sick in bed. Oh, my goodness. I must send him a job. My homemade crab apple jelly right away. Well, now, great job. Oh, he'll love it. He'll love it. I used only the very best apples and the very best crabs. Well, I don't think that... I sent some of it to my sister Bessie when she had her operation. Of course, I can't tell you about Bessie's operation. Well, good. It was done by an army surgeon, and naturally that makes it a military secret. Gracie, Don wants us to do Jack Benny's program tonight. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, George, but I couldn't think of going on Jack's program. You what? Well, isn't that a comedy program? Oh, yes. And don't people laugh at it? Oh, sure. Well, George, what would my public think? I'm a concert artist. What's she talking about, George? Well, Gracie thinks she's going to play the piano at Paul Whiteman's concert in Carnegie Hall. Yes. Would you like to hear the number I'm going to play, Don? Yes, it is. And that's what you're going to play at Carnegie Hall? Well, there's no sense in playing something I don't know. Gracie, forget this foolishness. We've got to do Jack's program tonight. Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I couldn't accept an offer to appear on the radio, except on a musical program of course such as Dear Artie has. What do you mean, Artie Shaw? Oh, my goodness, no. Artie Toscanini. Gracie, have you gone out of your mind? We can't let Jack Benny down. Well, George, I have my career to think of. No great musician can afford to be laughed at. Did Mendelsohn do it? Did Mendel's daughter do it? Did Mendel himself do it? Now, that was a great act to the musical Mendels. They were next to closing at the Jefferson. Gracie, now you mustn't think only of yourself. Think of George. You're very anxious to do Jack Benny's show. Well, I don't know why George doesn't know a soul in St. Joe. Gracie, will you stop being so stubborn? Well, George, I just can't risk my concert career. There's the world of music, and then there's the world of comedy. You can't mix the two. You know what I always say? East is east, and west is west, and north is north, and south is south, and east is east, and... Well, I guess that covers it. That even overlaps a little bit. This is Paul Whiteman, and here's one of America's most popular singers with one of America's most popular songs, Dennis Day singing, There Are Such Things. Gracie, you've just got to listen to Reese. The Benny program goes on the air in an hour. I'm sorry, George. But Gracie, in a little while, millions of people are going to tune into our program, and what are they going to hear? 30 minutes of silence. Well, what's the difference? If one week the program isn't quite as lively as usual. Look, Gracie, don't you understand? One of our dearest friends is in a spot and they need someone to go on his program. Oh, I wish we were in California. The Beverly Hills Uplift Society All-Girl Symphony Orchestra would be glad to do the program. That's silly club of yours. Nobody is interested in those hands. George Burns, that's no way to talk about your wife and your wife's friends. Well, I didn't mean you, sweetheart. Well, no way to talk about those other hands either. All right. I'm going inside and practicing, dude. Who knows if it goes well tomorrow, I might try a beat, too. Well, this is fine. You said it. Come in. George, George, listen, I hear you're going to do the Jack Benny show tonight. Well, uh... Well, boy, oh boy, I can't wait to read those commercials, George. Listen, that fat boy they've got announcing on that show is trickly from hunger. Bill, uh... Listen, George, Benny only keeps them on because he can laugh. Bill, say hello to Don Wilson. Hello, Mr. Wilson. You've heard that fat boy on the Benny... Don Wilson! Hello, Don. So I'm known to you as fat boy, huh? Good one. Oh, well, now, don't get sore, Don. I'm always making up nicknames for people. They never fit. Well, I don't care about that, but what was that about my announcing? Oh, nothing, Don, nothing at all. I-I think you're great. As a matter of fact, Don, I'd like to ask you a favor. You see, I thought maybe you could mention my product on the show tonight. You see, I sell one of the... I'm not interested in what you sell. Well, but, Don, it's purer than the... I'm sorry, but there's no place that I can mention it. No soap, huh? No soap. I talk about grape nuts flakes, and grape nuts flakes happen to be America's fastest-growing breakfast cereal. Yes, sir, grape nuts flakes are my idea of the most tempting, appetizing, toasty-brown breakfast dish that was ever put before a hungry family. Well, Don, after the family finishes eating that tempting, delicious, toasty-brown cereal, they have to wash the dishes now, don't they? I certainly. Well, what do they use to wash the dishes? Water, of course. Believe me, Bill, once you taste those dishes... Don, Don, old man, please, what do they put in the water? The dishes. Believe me, Bill, once you taste grape nuts flakes with their moldy, rich, sweet-as-a-nut flavor, their crisply toasted goodness, you'll know why I'm so enthusiastic. And what's more important, grape nuts flakes are a whole grain cereal, chuck-full of all-around nourishment. And, Bill, you better make a date for tomorrow's breakfast with grape nuts flakes. Well, all right, Don, right after I've had my shower with... Grape nuts flakes. Okay, you win. So long, fat boy. Well, Don, we're right back where we started. George, now, why don't you go in and talk with your wife? Put your foot down. You're done right, I will. I'll show her who's the boss. Man, a boy. Gracie. What do you want? Well, sweetheart, you know that beautiful fur coat you saw in Bergdorf Goodman's? You mean the one you said was too expensive for me? Uh-huh. Well, I've got a little surprise for you. If you do the program tonight, that coat will be in your closet in the morning. Well, if it isn't, we will rob. Oh, fine. Please, Gracie, now what? Now, I'm sorry, boys. You'll have to excuse me now. I've got to dip some spaghetti in ink. You've got a what? I've got to dip some spaghetti in ink. That's what I thought you said. It should fool our little doll, you duck. You see, the hotel won't send up any worms. So you've got to dip spaghetti in ink? Come on, Don, let's get out of here. Oh, come on, Herman. Dinner's almost ready. Here's Mama's little precious ducky. You know, Herman, your daddy George is mad at me. But, Herman, dear, we mustn't be too annoyed with him. He has a kind heart. That's not fair, baby. He just doesn't realize that it's more important to capture a beautiful melody that comes from a soul than it is to get a big laugh that comes from... Well, never mind. We'll show him when we get to Carnegie Hall. Carnegie Hall? Well, that's where your mama's going to play her concert. Oh, I can see it now, Herman. It's time for my entrance. There's a tremendous fanfare of trumpet. When I play my piece, I become the sensation of New York. Reporters will flock around me. I'll be the guest of honor at dozens of banquets. Oh, I probably won't be home for days. Mama didn't mean to make you cry. She'll always find time to be with her darling little baby. And your daddy George will be so proud of me. I suppose you're looking for Mr. Wilson. That's right, ma'am. I've been talking to Mr. Benny and you. My, my, poultry. Son? Well, yes. Don't you think he looks like his daddy? Don't believe I ever met the bird. Hey, Mr. Burns, is that duck papa? Come now. I notice the resemblance of you saw them both walking. Anyway, I think you two ought to be great friends. Herman, shake hands with Rochester. Hot deal, Mr. Herman. The first woman ever withdrew voluntarily. I have a conversation with you. Go on, say something to him. Is this practical? Oh, sure. Come on. Okay. Uh, Mr. Herman. What are you going to be doing? Meetless Tuesday. Rochester, he's busy on Tuesday. He always goes to Central Park. Would you like to take him for a walk in the park sometime? You mean you'd trust me along with that fat little rascal? If I suppose I don't trouble you none. Rochester, maybe you're silly to wait for Mr. Wilson. I'm not going on Mr. Benny's program anyhow. Uh-oh. Oh, yes, the piano is my whole life now. Do you play the piano, Rochester? No, ma'am. I ain't familiar with ivories when they come in large groups. Well, goodbye, Rochester. I must get back to my art. I tend to woo the muses. Type-stickery, colliopees, sconectities. I think we ought to try it again. Oh, no, George. I've got a headache. So far, but I wish I could get it to go on Jack's program. Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Gee, Mr. Wilson, you're going to catch it. Mr. Benny just called and he's all excited because he hasn't heard from you. Now, Dennis, there's nothing to worry about. But I don't want Mr. Benny to get high blood pressure with my blood. Now, just pull yourself together and say hello to George Burns. He's taking Jack's place tonight. Hello, Dennis. How are you? Ha-ha-ha-ha! What's, uh, what's funny? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gee, you're a scream, Mr. Burns. What's this, anyway? Aren't you taking Mr. Benny's place tonight? What of it? I was afraid if I didn't laugh, you'd twist my arm like Mr. Benny does. Say, George, George, maybe Dennis can persuade Gracie to go on the show. Dennis? Sure. Believe it or not, the little dope seems to have a way with women. Gee, have I? All right, go in and talk to Gracie. We'll find out. Yes, sir. Hello, Miss Allen. Oh, hello, Dennis. Yes, ma'am. I'm supposed to ask you to be on Mr. Benny's program tonight. Well, I won't do it. I don't blame you, Miss Allen. Mr. Benny says some terrible things about your brother Fred. Oh, no. Fred and I are my brother Dennis. And, and please don't call me Miss Allen. I've been Mrs. Burns since one day years ago when a tall, handsome, charming man came along and pronounced George and me man and wife. But Mrs. Burns, if you have nothing against Mr. Benny personally, why won't you go on his program? Well, I simply can't do it, Dennis. You see, I'm an intellectual and Jack Benny is, is well... Isn't he, though? Well, I'm glad you see my point. You must understand that we intellectuals care only for the finest things in life. You know, Shakespeare and Beethoven and Walter Pigeon. Gee, I've always wanted to meet an intellectual, Mrs. Burns. Well, how do? How do? I'll bet you read lots of books, huh? Oh, yes, Dennis. A day never goes by that I don't pick up a book. To dust it of nothing else. You know something? I'm crazy about books, too. Oh, really? Do you like little women? Oh, sure. But I like books even better. And Dennis, don't you just adore poets? Yeah. Oh, I know most of Longfellow by heart. Can you ever forget the opening lines of here, Walter? Yeah. Me, too. You know what, Dennis? You're the first person I've ever met who's my intellectual equal. I guess there aren't many of us. Dennis, believe me, you are just being wasted on the Jack Benny program. Yeah, wasted. Imagine you singing. Yeah, singing. Why, you should be reading poetry. Yeah, poetry. I'm crazy about poems. Yeah, crazy. I've always dreamed that some day I'd get up on Mr. Benny's program and recite if. If he'd let you? Oh, no. If by Kipling. Oh. Oh, that's one of my favorites. How does it go? I'll recite it for you. If you can dream and not make dreams your master, if you can think and not make thoughts your aim, if you can meet with triumph and disaster, if... Stop, stop. Don't go on. It's too beautiful. Gee, I'm sorry. I should have warned you that I was pretty heavenly. Oh, Dennis. Practicing God. Oh, does he belong there? Yes, Tutsi. Dennis, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Tutsi Sagwell. Tutsi, Dennis Day. Oh, my. What a gorgeous hunk of child. Hello, Miss Sagwell. See, haven't I seen you someplace before? Oh, thank you. Tutsi is as cultured as we are, Dennis. And she has a lovely singing voice. Oh, I haven't. I'd like to hear her sing sometime, Miss Sagwell. I'll bet you've got a lovely vibrato. Tutsi, Dennis is on Jack Benny's program. But he's very unhappy. You see, he's cultured. Oh, I knew you were a kindred soul, Dennis. You have such a sensitive face. I'll say, every month it kills me when I have to shave it. Hey, I just had a marvelous idea. What, Gracie? I will go on Jack Benny's program with you and Dennis. Huh? Well, we'll change the name of that show from The Grape Nuts Flake Program to 30 Minutes of Refinement. I'll play the piano, Tutsi will sing, and Dennis will resign. Oh, boy, now you're cooking with death. If you'll pardon the expression. I'll tell George. Oh, George. Uh, George, I've changed my mind. I've decided to go on Jack Benny's program after all. You mean it? Yes. Well, bless your heart. And now I'm going to get you that hat that goes with that fur coat. You mean this one? Yeah, that's the one. Come on, let's go to the studio. Ready, everybody? Yes, Don. Yep, all set, Don. Well, stand by. We'll be on the air. In just a second. The Grape Nuts Flake Program. That's enough, Dad. Step aside, please. Oh, gracious. Wait a minute. He hasn't... Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we now present 30 Minutes of Refinement. Ready, Dennis and Tutsi? Yeah, okay. All right, let's go. If you can keep your head on all of us... Honestly, Jack, I did the best I could. Good night, everybody. If you can keep your head on all of us... I'm afraid it will be right back, so I have just a moment to make this one request. Friends, for the sake of your loved ones in service, for the sake of your loved ones at home, give to the American Red Cross War Fund. The Red Cross works on every war front, giving skilled care, saving lives. The Red Cross stands by on the home front, ready to meet sudden danger. But the Red Cross must raise $125 million to carry on its good work. So do your part. Give and give generously to the American Red Cross War Fund. Now, here are George and Gracie. Oh, good night, everybody. And Jack, hurry and get well. And please send the muffler. Good night, folks. Our program next week, when we'll be broadcasting from Hollywood with Mary Livingston, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The makers of Great Nuts Flakes want to extend their sincerest thanks to George Burns and Gracie Allen for pinch-hitting for Jack Benny on tonight's show. George and Gracie were presented every Tuesday night over another network by the makers of SWAN, the new White Floating Soul.