 Act two of Every Man Out of His Humour by Ben Johnson. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene one. The country before Punta Volo's house. Enter Fastidious Brisk, Sinado, Carlobaphone, and Solgliardo. Sinado, watch when the night comes and give us word. I will, sir. Exit. How likes thou, my boy, Carlo? Oh, well, well. He looks like a colonel of the pygmy's horse, or one of these motions in a great antique clock, which shall well upon the haberdasher stall at the corner shop rarely. Sahart, what a damned witty rogues this, how he confounds with his similes. Better with similes than smiles. And whither were you riding now, senior? Who, I? What a silly jest that! Whither should I ride but to the court? Pardon me, sir. Twenty places more. Your hot house or your whorehouse? By the virtue of my soul this night dwells in Elysium here. He's gone now. I thought you would fly it presently. These be our nimble-spirited katsos that have their evasions at pleasure. We'll run over a bog like your wild Irish. No sooner has started, but they leap from one thing to another like a squirrel. Aye! Dines into tricks and their discourse, from fire to water, from water to air, from air to earth as if their tongues did but elick the four elements over and away. Sira, Carlo, thou never sourced my grey hobby yet didst thou? No. Have you such a one? The best in Europe, my good villain, dalt say when thou seest him. But when shall I see him? There was a nobleman in the court, offered me a hundred pound for him by this light, a fine little fiery slave. He runs like a, oh, excellent, excellent, with the very sound of the spur. How? The sound of the spur? Oh, it's your only humour now, extents, sir. A good jingle, a good jingle. S'blood, you shall see him to Marys' dancer. He's got him bells a good suit and a hobby horse. Señor, now you talk of a hobby horse. I know where one is will not be given for a brace of angels. How is that, sir? Mary, sir, I am telling this gentleman of a hobby horse. It was my father's, indeed, and though I say it— That shall not say it. On, on. He did dance in it, with as good humour, and as good regard as any man of his degree whatsoever, being no gentleman. I have danced in it myself, too. Not since the humour of a gentility was upon you, did you? Yes, once. Mary, that was but to show what a gentleman might do in his humour. Ah, very good. Why, this fellow's discourse were nothing but for the word humour. Oh, bear with him, and he should lack manner in words, too, it's quite pitiful. Nay, look, you, sir, there's near a gentleman in the country has the like humours for the hobby horse, as I have. I have the method for the threading of the needle and all. The— How the method? I—the legarity for that, and the wiggy, and the daggers and the nose, and the travels of the egg from finger to finger, and all the humour's incident to the quality. The horse hangs at home in my parlor. I'll keep it for a monument as long as I live, sure. Do so, and when you die it will be an excellent trophy to hang over your tomb. Mass, and I'll have a tomb. Now I think on it. It is but so much charges. Best build it in your lifetime, then. Your heirs may have to forget it else. Nay, I mean so. I'll not trust to them. No, for heirs and executors are grown damnable careless, especially since the ghosts of tessitors left walking. How like you, him, senor? For heavens his humour arides me exceedingly. Arides you? I pleases me, epoxond. I am so haunted at the court and at my lodging with your refined choice spirits, that it makes me clean of another garb, another sheaf. I know not how. I cannot fray me to your harsh vulgar phrase. It is against my genius. Senor Carlo. Takes him aside. This is right to that of Horace. Don Vitan stortivitia, in contraria corunt. So this gallant labouring to avoid popularity falls into a habit of affectation, ten thousand times hatefuler than the former. Carlo, pointing to fastidious. Who here? A girl, a fool, and no salt in him, either earthman. He looks like a fresh salmon kept in a tub, he'll be spent shortly. His brains lighter than his feather already, and his tongue more subject to lie than that is to wag. You sleep to the musket every night, and walks all day, hanging palm under chains for penance. Your skin tanned and civet to make his complexion strong, and the sweetness of his youth lasting in the sense of his sweet lady. A good, empty path. He loves you well, senor. There shall be no love lost, sir. I'll assure you. Fastidious. Advancing to them. Nay, Carlo, I am not happy in thy love, I see. Pray thee, suffer me, to enjoy thy company, a little sweet mischief. By this air I shall envy this gentleman's place in thy affections, if you be thus private, if faith. Enter, Senado. How now is the night arrived? No, sir, but his guest he will arrive presently by his forerunners. This hounds by Minerva an excellent figure, a good boy. You should give him a French crown for it. The boy would find two better figures in that, and a good figure of your bounty beside. Tut, the boy wants no crowns. No crown? Speak in the singular number, and we'll believe you. Surely thou art so capriciously conceited now, sirre damnation. I have heard this night pantavolo reported to be a gentleman of exceeding good humour. Thou knowest him. Prithee, how is his disposition? I never was so favoured of my stars as to see him yet. Boy, do you look to the hobby. Aye, sir, the room has set him up. As Senado is going out, Sagliardo takes him aside. Tis well. I rid out of my way of intent to visit him, and take knowledge of his nay good wickedness, his humour, his humour. Aye, he loves dogs, and hocks, and his wife well. He has a good riding-face, and he can sit a great horse. He will taint his staff well at title. When he is mounted he looks like the sign of the George, that's all I know. Say, that instead of a dragon he will branch against a tree, and break his sword as confidently upon the knotty bark as the other did upon the scales of the beast. Oh! but this is nothing to that's delivered of him. They say he has dialogues and discourses between his horse, himself, and his dog, and that he will court his own lady as she were a stranger never encountered before. Aye, that he will, and make fresh love to her every morning. This gentleman has been a spectator of it, Signor Insulso. I am resolute to keep a page. Say you, sir. Leaps from whispering with Senado. You have seen, Signor Pundervalo, a costes lady. Oh, aye, sir. And how is the manner of it, pretty good, senor? Faith, sir, in very good sort. He has his humours for it. Sir, at first. Suppose we were now to come from riding or hunting or so. He has his trumpet to sound, and then the waiting gentlewoman she looks out, and then he speaks, and then she speaks. Very pretty, I faith, gentlemen. Why, but do you remember no particular, Signor? Oh, yes, sir. First, the gentlewoman. She looks out at the window. After the trumpet is summoned apart, not before? No, sir. Not before. And then says he, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Aye, what says he? Been not wrapped so? Says he, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Nay, speak, speak. Ah-ha-ha-ha. Says he, God save you. Says he, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Why is this the ridiculous motive to all this passion? Nay, that that comes after this. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Darkness he apprehends more than the others, this fellow, or else. A cry of hounds within. List, list. There come from hunting, stand by, close under this terrace, and you shall see it done better than I can show it. So it had need, to if scarce plays the observation else. Faith, I remember all, but the manner of it is quite out of my head. Oh, withdraw, withdraw. It cannot be but a most pleasing object. They stand aside. Enter Punta Volo, followed by his huntsman leading a greyhound. Forester, give wind to thy horn. Enough. By this the sound hath touched the ears of the enclosed. Depart, leave the dog, and take with thee what thou deserved, the horn, and thanks. Exit, huntsman. Aye, Mary, there is some taste in this. It's not good. Ah, peace. No above, no above. Awaiting gentlewoman appears at the window. Stay, mine eye hath. On the instant, through the bounty of the window, received the form of a nymph. I will step forward three paces, of the which I will barely retire one, and, after some little flucture of the knee with an erected grey saluta, one, two, and three. Sweet lady, God save you. Gentlewoman, above. No, for sooth. I am butch'd awaiting gentlewoman. He knew that before. Pardon me, humana, master Rare. He learned that of his chaplain. To the perfection of compliment, which is the dial of the thought and guided by the sun of your beauties, I required these three specials. The nomen, the pontilios, and the super-fishies. The super-fishies is that we call place, the pontilios circumstance, and the nomen ceremony, in either of which, for a stranger to err, it is easy and facile, and such am I. True, not knowing her horizon, he must need air, which I fear he knows too well. What call you the lord of the castle, sweet face? Gentlewoman, above. The lord of the castle is a knight, sir. Signor Puntavolo. Puntavolo. Oh, now must he ruminate. Does the witch know him all this while, then? Ah, do you know me, man? Why, therein lies this hereup of the jest. It's a project, a designment of his own, a thing studded and rehearsed, as ordinarily at his coming from hawking or haunting, as a jig after a play. Eh, in like your jig, sir. It is a most sumptuous and stately edifice. Of what years is the night fair, damsel? Faith, much about your years, sir. What complexion, or what stature bears he? Of your stature, and very near upon your complexion. Mine is melancholy. So is the dog's just. And a thog you constancy, chiefly in love. What are his endowments? Is he courteous? Oh, the most courteous night in Christian land, sir. Is he magnanimous? As the skin between your brows, sir. Is he bountiful? So lad, he takes an inventory of his own good parts. Bountiful? Aye, sir, I would you should know it. The poor are served at his gate, early and late, sir. Is he learned? Oh, aye, sir, he can speak the French and Italian. Then he has travelled? Aye, for sooth, he has been beyond seas once or twice. As far as Paris, to fetch over a fashion and come back again. Is he religious? Religious? I know not what you call religious, but he goes to church, I am sure. Slid me thinks these answers should offend him. Tut, no. He knows they are excellent, and to her capacity that speaks them. Would I might but see his face. She should let on a glass from the window at that word, and request him to look it. Doubtless the gentleman is most exact, and absolutely qualified. Doth the castle contain him? No, sir, he is from home, but his lady is within. His lady? What, is she fairer, splendidious and amiable? Oh, lord, sir. Prithee, dear nymph, and three tear beauties to shine on this side of the building. Exit, waiting, gentlewoman, from the window. That he may erect a new bile of compliment, with his nomons and his puntillos. Nay, thou art such another cynic now, a man had need walk uprightly before thee. Hart, can any man walk more upright than he does? Look, look, as if he went in a frame, or had a suit of wainscot on, and the dog watching him lest he should leap out on. Oh, villain! Well, and ere I meet him in the city, I'll have him jointed. I'll pull him in ischip among the butcher's else. Peace! Who be these, Carlo? Enter Sordido and Fungoso. Yonder's your godfather, do your duty to him, son. This, sir, a poor elder brother of mine, sir, a yeoman. May he dispend some seven or eight hundred a year. That's his son, my nephew there. You are not ill-come, neighbor Sordido, though I have not yet said welcome. What! my godson is grown a great proficient by this. I hope you will grow great one day, sir. What does he study, the law? Aye, sir, he is a gentleman, though his father be but a yeoman. What call you your nephew, senor? Mary, his name is Fungoso. Fungoso? Oh! he looked somewhat like a sponge in that pink-yellow doublet, me thought. Well, make much of him. I see he was never born to ride upon the mule. Gentlewoman, reappears at the window. My lady will come presently, sir. Oh! now! now! Stand by, retire yourselves of space. Nay, pray you forget not the use of your hat. The air is piercing. Sordido and Fungoso withdraw. What! will not their presence prevail against the current of his humour? Oh, no! it's a mere flood. A torrent carries all for it. Lady Puntarvolo appears at the window. What more than heavenly polkertude is this? What magazine or treasury of bliss? Dazzle you organs to my optics since, to view a creature of such immanence. Oh! I am planet struck, and in yon sphere a brighter star than Venus doth appear. How inverse! An ecstasy, an ecstasy ban. Lady Puntarvolo, above. Is your desire to speak with me, sir Knight? He will tell you that anon. Neither his brain nor his body are yet moulded for an answer. More stubborn air, and luckulent lady. I decline me as low as the basis of your altitude. He makes conges to his wife in geometrical proportions. Is it possible there should be any such humorist? Very easily possible, sir. You see there is. I have scarce collected my spirits, but lately scattered in the administration of your form. To which, if the bounties of your mind be any way responsible, I do not but my desire shall find a smooth and secure passage. I am a poor knight-errant lady, that hunting in the adjacent forest was by adventure in the pursuit of a heart brought to this place. Which heart, dear madam, escaped by enchantment, the evening approaching myself and servant Weeread, my suit is, to enter your fairer castle and refresh me. Sir Knight, albeit it be not usual with me, chiefly in the absence of a husband, to admit any entrance to strangers, in the true regard of those innate virtues and fair parts which so strive to express themselves in you. I am resolved to entertain you to the best of my unworthy power, which I acknowledge to be nothing, valued with what so worthy a person may deserve. Please, you but stay while I descend. Exit from the window. Most admired lady, you astonish me. Walks aside with Sordido and his son. What, with speaking a speech of your own, panning? Nay, look, pretty piece. Pox-ond, I hear me impatient of such forgery. Oh, let us hear the rest. What, a tedious chapter of courtship after Sir Lancelot and Queen Gwynethir? Ah, a way, I marvel in what dull cold nooky found this lady out, that, being a woman, she was blessed with no more copy of wit but to serve his humour thus. Slut, I think he feeds her with porridge. Aye, she could never have such a thick brain else. Why, is porridge so hurtful, senor? Ah, nothing under heaven more prejudicial to those ascending subtle powers, or though sooner abate that which we call acumen in journey, than your gross fear. Why, I'll make you an instance. You're city-wise, but, observ'em, you have not more perfect true fools in the world bred than they are generally, as you see by the fineness and delicacy of their diet, diving into the fat capons, drinking your rich wines, feeding on larks, sparrows, potato pies and such good, anxious meats, how their wits are refined and rarefied, and sometimes a very quintessence of conceit flows from them, able to drown a weak apprehension. Enter Lady Puntarvolo and her waiting woman. Peace, here comes the lady. God's me, here's company. Turn in again. Exit with her woman. Slight-op presence has cut off the convoy of the jest. All the better, I am glad-owned, for the issue was very perspicuous. Come, let's discover and salute the night. They come forward. Today, who be these that address themselves towards us? What, Carlo? Now, but the sincerity of my soul, welcome! Welcome, gentlemen! And how dost thou, thou grand-scuttered, or second untrust of the time? Faith, spreading my metal in this reeling world, here and there, as the sway of my affection carries me, perhaps stumble upon a yeoman furterer, as I do now, or one unfortunate muse laden with treasure and an empty cloak-bag following him, gaping when a gab will untie. Peace, you bandog-piece! What brisk and impotoro is that in the white virgin boot there? Mary, sir, one that I must interest you to take a very particular knowledge of, and with more than ordinary respect. Monsieur Festidius. Sir, I could wish that for the time of your vouchsafed abiding here, and more real entertainment, this is my house stood on the muses hill, and these my orchards were those of the hasperides. I possess as much in your wish, sir, as if I were made lord of the indies, and I pray you believe it. I have a better opinion of his faith, than to think it will be so corrupted. Come, brother, I'll bring you acquainted with a gentleman and good fellows, such as shall do you more grace than— Brother, I hunger not for such acquaintance. Do you take heed, lest? Carlo comes toward them. Hushed! My brother, sir, for want of education, sir, somewhat nodding to the bore, the clown, but I request you in private, sir. Fungoso, looking at Festidius Brisk, aside. By heaven, it is a very fine suit of clothes. Do you observe that, senor? There's another humour has new cracked the shell. What? He is enamoured of the fashion, is he? O you forestall the jest. Fungoso, aside. I marvel what it might stand him in. Nephew! Fungoso, aside. For me, it's an excellent suit, and as neatly becomes him. What said you, uncle? When saw you, my niece? Mary, yesterday night I supped there. Aside. That kind of boot does very rare, too. And what news hear you? Fungoso, aside. The guilt spur, and all would I were hanged but his exceeding good. Say you, uncle? Your mind is carried away with somewhat else. I ask, what news you hear? Troth, we hear none. Aside. In good faith. Looking at Festidius Brisk. I was never so pleased with the fashion days of my life. Oh, and I might have but my wish. I'd ask no more of heaven now, but such a suit. Such a hat. Such a band. Such a doublet. Such a hose. Such a boot. Oh, and such a... They say there's a new motion of the city of Nineveh. With Jonas and the Whale to be seen at Fleet Bridge. You can tell, cousin. Fungoso, aside. Here's such a world of questions with him now. Yes, I think there'd be such a thing. I saw the picture. Aside. Would he once be satisfied? Let me see. The doublet, say, fifty shillings the doublet, and between three or four pound the hose, then boots, hat, and band. Some ten or eleven pound will do it all. And suit me for the heavens. I'll see all those devices, and I come to London once. Fungoso, aside. Oh, flit, and I could compensate to a rare. Hark you, uncle. What says my nephew? Faith, uncle. I would have desired you to have made a motion for me. To my father. In a thing that... Walk aside, and I'll tell you, sir. No more but this. There's a parcel of law books, some twenty pounds worth, that line a place for a little more than half the money they cost. And I think for some twelve pound or twenty mark I could go near to redeem them. There's plowden, dia, brook, and Fitzherbert, divers such as I must have ere long. And you know I were as good say five or six pound as not, uncle. I pray you, move it for me. That I will. When would you have me do it? Presently? Oh, I, I pray you, good uncle. Sogliardo takes Sornito aside. Send me good luck, lord, and be thy will prosper it. Oh, my stars, now, now if it take now I am made for ever. Shall I tell you, sir, by this ere I am the most beholden to that lord of any gentleman living. He does use me the most honourably, and with the greatest respect, more indeed that can be uttered with any opinion of truth. Then have you the count Gloraciato? As true nobler gentleman too as any breathes, I am exceedingly endeared to his love. By this hand I protest to you, senior, I speak it not gloriously nor out of effectation. But there's he and the count Frugal, Signor Ilastra, Signor Lascalento, and a sort of him that when I am at court they do share me amongst them, happy as he can enjoy me most private. I do wish myself some time unabiquitary for their love in good faith. There's never one of them but might lie a week on the rack if they could bring forth his name, and yet he pours them out his familiarly as if he had seen them stand by the fire in the presence, or take tobacco with them over the stage in a lords' room. Then you must of necessity know our court-star there, that planet of wit Madonna Saviolina. O lords, sir, my mistress! Is she your mistress? Faith here be some slight favours of her, sir, that do speak it she is. As this scarf, sir, or this ribbon in my ear also, this feather grew in her sweet fan sometimes, though now it be my poor fortune to wear it as you see, sir, slight, slight, a foolish toy. As she is the lady of a most exalted and ingenious spirit. Did you ever hear any woman speak like her, or enriched with a more plentiful discourse? Oh, feloness! Nothing but sound, sound! I mean your echo. She speaks as she goes tired, and cobweb long like the fin. Good enough to catch flies with all. Oh, manage your affections. Well, if thou beest not playing for this blasphemy one day... Come, regard not a jester. It is in the power of my purse to make him speak well or ill of me. Sir, I affirm it to you upon my credit and judgment. She has the most harmonious and musical straight of wit that ever tempted a true ear, and yet to see a rude tongue would profane heaven if it could. I am not ignorant of it, sir. Oh, it flows from her like nectar, and she doth give it that sweet quick grace, an exonation in the composure that by this good ear, as I am an honest man, would I might never stir, sir. But she does observe as pure a phrase and use as choice figures in her ordinary conferences as any be in the Arcadia. Or rather, in Greensworks, when she may steal with more security. Well, if ten pound will fetch him, you shall have it. But I'll part with no more. Oh, I'll try what that will do, if you please. Do so, and when you have them, study hard. Yes, sir, and I could study to get forty shillings more now. Well, I will put myself into the fashion as far as this will go presently. Sordido, aside. I wonder if it rains not. The Almanac says we should have a store of rain today. Why, sir, the matter I will associate you to coat myself, and from thence to the city about a business, a project I have. I will expose it to you, sir. Carlo, I am sure, has heard of it. What's that, sir? I do intend this year of jubilee coming on to travel, and because I will not altogether go upon expense, I am determined to put forth some five thousand pound to be paid me five for one, upon the return of myself, my wife, and my dog, from the Turks court in Constantinople. If all or either of us miscarry in the journey, tis gone. If we be successful, why? There will be five and twenty thousand pound to entertain time with all. Nay, go not, neighbor Sordido, stay to-night, and help to make our society the fuller. Gentlemen, frolic. Carlo, what, dull now? I was thinking on your project, sir, and you call it so. Is this the dog goes with you? This is the dog, sir. He does not go barefoot, does he? Away you traitor away. Nay, for God, I speak simply. He may prick his foot with a thorn, and be as much as the whole venture is worth. Besides, for a dog that never traveled before, it's a huge journey to Constantinople. I'll tell you now, when he were mine, I'd have some present confidence with the physician, what antidotes for God I gave him, preservatives against poison, but assure you, if once your money be out, there'll be diverse attempts made against the life of the poor animal. Now, what, still dangerous? Is senior Deliro's wife your king's woman? Aye, sir, she is my niece, my brother's daughter here, and my nephew's sister. Did you know her, sir? O Lord, sir, senior Deliro, her husband is my merchant. Aye, I have seen this gentleman there often. I cry you mercy, sir. Let me crave your name, pray you. Fungoso, sir. Good senior Fungoso, I shall request to know you better, sir. I am her brother, sir. In fair time, sir. Come, gentlemen, I will be your conduct. Nay, pray you, sir, we shall meet at senior Deliro's often. You shall have me at the herald's office, sir, for some week or so at my first coming up. Come, Carlo. Exeant. Me thinks, Cordatus. He dwelt somewhat too long on this scene. It hung in the hand. I see not why he could have insisted less, and to have made the humours perspicuous enough. True, as his subject lies, but he might have altered the shape of his argument and explicated them better in single scenes. That had been single indeed. Why, be they not the same persons in this as they would have been in those? And is it not an object of more state, to behold the scene fall and relieved with variety of speakers to the end, than to see a vast empty stage, and the actors come in one by one, as if they were dropped down with a feather into the eye of the spectators? Nay, you are better traded with these things than I, and therefore I'll subscribe to your judgement. Mary, you shall give me leave to make objections. What else? Is it the special intent of the author you should do so? Thereby others that are present may as well be satisfied, who happily would object the same you would do. So, sir, but when appears my cliente again? Mary, he stays, but till our silence give him leave. Here he comes, and with him senor Dileiro, a merchant at whose house he has come to Sojourn. Make your own observation now, only transfer your thoughts to the city with a scene, where suppose they speak. Scene two, a room in Dileiro's house. Enter Dileiro, Macalente, and Fido with flowers and perfumes. I'll tell you by and by, sir. Welcome, good Macalente, to my house, to Sojourn even for ever, if my best in Cates and every sort of good in Triti may move you stay with me. He's Tenseth, the boy strews flowers. I thank you, sir. Aside. And yet the muffled fates, had it pleased them, might have supplied me from their own full store. Without this word, I thank you to a fool. I see no reason why that dog called Chance should fawn upon this fellow more than me. I am a man, and I have limbs, flesh, blood, bones, sinews, and a soul, as well as he. My parts are every way as good as his. If I said better, why, I did not lie. Nonetheless, his wealth, but nodding on my wands, must make me bow and cry. I thank you, sir. Dispatch, take heed your mistress, see you not. I warn't you, sir, I'll steal by her softly. Exit. Nay, good friend, be merry. Raise your looks out of your bosom. I protest by heaven. You are the man most welcome in the world. I thank you, sir. Aside. I know my cue, I think. Re-enter, Fido, with more perfumes and flowers. Where will you have them burned, sir? Here, good Fido. What, she did not see thee? No, sir. That is well. Through, through, good Fido, the freshest flowers, so. What means there, senior Delaro, all this sensing? Cast in more frankincense, yet more. Well said, O MacLenty, I have such a wife, so passing fair, so passing fair unkind, but have such worth and right to be unkind, since no man can be worthy of her kindness. What, can there not? No, that is as sure as death, no man alive. I do not say is not, but cannot possibly be worth her kindness. Nay, it is certain. Let me do her right. How, said I, do her right, as though I could, as though this dull, gross tongue of mine could utter the rare, the true, the pure, the infinite rights that sit as high as I can look within her. This is such dotage as was never heard. Well, this must needs be granted. Granted, Quotheo. Nay, MacLenty, do not so discredit the goodness of your judgment to deny it, for I do speak the very least of her, and I would crave and beg no more of heaven for all my fortunes here, but to be able to utter first in fit terms what she is, and then the true joys I conceive in her. It's possible she should deserve so well as you pretend. I, and she knows so well her own desserts that, when I strive to enjoy them, she weighs the things I do with what she merits. And seeing my worth outweighed so in her graces, she is so solemn, so precise, so froward, that no observance I can do to her can make her kind to me. If she finds fault, I mend that fault, and then she says I faulted that I did mend it. Now, good friend, advise me, how I may temper this strange blean in her. You are too amorous, too obsequious, and make her too assured she may command you. When women doubt most of their husbands' loves, they are most loving. Husbands must take heed. They give no gluts of kindness to their wives, but use them like their sisters, whom they feed but half a peck at once, and keep them so still with an appetite to that they give them. He that desires to have a loving wife must bridle all the show of that desire, be kind, not amorous, nor beraying kindness, as if love wrought it, but consider a duty. Offer no love rights, but let wives still seek them, for when they come unsought, they seldom like them. Believe me, MacLente, this is gospel. O, that a man were his own man so much to rule himself thus. I will strive in faith to be more strange and careless. Yet I hope I have now taken such a perfect course to make her kind to me, and live contented that I shall find my kindness well returned and have no need to fight with my affections. She late had found much fault with every room within my house. One was too big, she said, another was not furnished to her mind, and so through all, all which now I have altered. Then here she hath a place on my back side wherein she loves to walk, and that, she said, had some ill smells about it. Now this walk have I before she knows it thus perfumed with herbs and flowers, and laid in diverse places, as twer on altars consecrate to her perfumed gloves, and delicate chains of amber to keep the air in awe of her sweet nostrils. This I have done, and this I think will please her. Behold, she comes. Enter, Fawis. Ugh! Here's a sweet stink indeed. What! Shall I ever be thus crossed and plagued and sick of husband? Oh, my head doth ache, as it would cleave a sander with these savers. All my rooms altered, and but one poor walk that I delight it in, and that is made so fulsome with perfumes that I am feared my brain thus sweats so, I have caught a plague. My gentle wife, is now thy walk too sweet? Thou sayest of late it had sour airs about it, and found much fault that I did not correct it. Why, and I did find fault, sir. Nay, dear wife, I know thou hast said thou hast loved perfumes, no woman better. I long since, perhaps, but now that sense is altered. You would have me, like to a puddle or a standing pool, to have no motion nor no spirit within me. No, I am like a pure and sprightly river that moves forever, and yet still the same, or fire that burns much wood, yet still one flame. Yesterday I saw the utter garden, smelling on roses and on purple flowers, and since, I hope, the humour of thy sense is nothing changed. Why, those were growing flowers, and these within my walk are cut and strewed. And yet they have one scent. Have they so? In your gross judgment. If you make no difference between the scent of growing flowers and cut ones, you have a sense to taste lamp-oil in faith. And with such judgment have you changed the chambers, leaving no room that I can joy to be in, in all your house. And now my walk and all you smoke me from, as if I were a fox, and lumpy like to drive me quite away. Well, walk you there, and I'll walk where I list. What shall I do? Oh, I shall never please her. Macalente, aside. Out, out, on thee dotered. What star ruled his birth that brought him such a star? Blind fortune still bestows her gifts on such as cannot use them. How long shall I live, ere I be so happy to have a wife of this exceeding form? Away with them. Would I had broke a joint when I devised this that should so dislike her? Away, bear all away. Exit, Vida, with flowers, etc. I do, for fear all that is there should like her. Oh, this man! How cunningly he can conceal himself, as though he loved nay honoured and adored. Why, my sweet heart? Sweet heart? Oh, better still. And asking why, wherefore, and looking strangely as if he were as white as innocence. Alas, you're simple. You. You cannot change. Look pale at pleasure, and then red with wonder. No, no, not you. Sit here, you naturals. I did but cast an amorous eye, even now, upon a pair of gloves that somewhat liked me. And straight he noted it, and gave command all should be taken away. Be they my bane, then. What, sirah, I though. Bring in those gloves again you took from hence. Spodys, sir, but do not. Bring in no gloves to spite me, if ye do. I, me, most wretched. How I am misconstrued. Macalente, aside. Oh, how she tempts my heartstrings with her eye to knit them to her beauties, or to break. What moved the heavens, that they could not make me such a woman, but a man, a beast, that hath no bliss like others, would to heaven in reek of my misfortunes, I were turned to some fair water-nymph that set upon the deepest whirl pit of the ravenous seas my adamantine eyes might headlong hail this iron world to me and drown it all. Behold, behold, the translated gallant. Oh, he is welcome. Enter Fungoso, appareled like fastidious brisk. Save you, brother and sister. Save you, sir. I have commendations for you out of the country. Aside. I wonder they take no knowledge of my suit. Mine uncle, Sogliardo, is in town. Sister, we think you are melancholy. Why are you so sad? I think you took me for master-festidious brisk, sister. Did you not? Why should I take you for him? Nay, nothing. I was lately in master-festidious's company and me thinks we are very like. You have a fair suit, brother. Give you joy on it. Faith, good enough to ride in, brother. I made it to ride in. Oh! Now I see the cause of his idle demand was his new suit. Pray, you good brother. Try if you can change her mood. I warrant you. Let me alone. I'll put her out of her dumps. Sister, how like you my suit? Oh! You are a gallant in print now, brother. Faith, how like you the fashion? It is the last edition, I assure you. I cannot but like it to the dessert. Trust, sister. I was feigned to borrow these spurs. I have left my gown in the gauge for them. Pray you lend me an angel. Now be shrew my heart then. Good truth. I'll pay you again at my next exhibition. I had but bare ten pound of my father and it would not reach to put me wholly into the fashion. I cannot. I had spurs of my own before, but they were not jinglers. Master-festidious will be here in on, sister. You jest. Never lend me penny more while you live then and that I'd be loth to say in truth. When did you see him? Yesterday. I came acquainted with him at Ser Punta Arvolos. Nay, sweet sister. Maculenti, aside. I feign would know of heaven now why yand fool should wear a suit of satin. He, that rook, that painted jay, was such a deal of outside. What is his inside, Trow? Good heavens, give me patience. Patience, patience. A number of these pop and jays there are whom if a man confer and but examine their inward demerit with such men as want, Lord, Lord, what things they are. Follis, do you have some money? Come. When will you pay me again now? Oh, Lord, sister. Here comes another. Enter fastidious brisk in a new suit. Save you, Sr. de Lero. How dost thou, sweet lady? Let me kiss thee. How? A new suit? Ah, me! And how does master fastidious brisk? Faith live in court, Sr. de Lero. In grace I thank God both of the noble masculine and feminine. I must speak with you in private by and by. When you please, sir. Why, look, you so pale, brother. Slid, all this money is cast away now. Aye, there's a newer addition come forth. Tis but my hard fortune. Well, I'll have my suit changed. I'll go fetch my tailor presently, but first I'll devise a letter to my father. Have you any pen and ink, sister? What would you do with all? I would use it. Slight and it'd come but four days sooner the fashion. Exit. There was a countess gave me her hand to kiss today the presents. Did me more good by that light, then, and yesterday sent her coach twice to my lodging to entreat me accompany her and my sweet mistress with some two or three nameless ladies more. Oh, I have been graced by them beyond all aim of affection. This is her garter my dagger hangs in, and they do so commend and approve my apparel with my judicious wearing of it. It's above wonder. Indeed, sir. This a most excellent suit, and you do wear it as extraordinary. Why, I'll tell you now in good faith, and by this chair which, by the grace of God, I intend presently to sit in, I had three suits in one year made three great ladies in love with me. I had other three undid three gentlemen in imitation, and other three got three other gentlemen widows of three thousand pound a year. Is it possible? Oh, believe it, sir. Your good faith is the witch, and your apparel the spells that bring all the pleasures of the world into their circle. Oh, the sweet grace of a court here. Well, when my father had left me, but a good face for my portion yet, though I had shared the unfortunate with that ghost with it, I had not cared. I might have passed for somewhat in the world then. Why, assure you, senior, rich apparel has strange virtues. It makes him that hath it without means, is steamed for an excellent wit. He that enjoys it with means puts the world in remembrance of his means. It helps the deformities of nature, and gives lustre to her beauties, makes continual holiday where it shines, sets the wits of ladies at work, that otherwise would be idle, furnisheth your two shilling ordinary, takes possession of your stage at your new play, and enricheth your oars, as scawning to go with your skull. Pray you, sir, at this. It gives respect to your fools, makes many thieves as many strumpets, and no fewer bankrupts. Oh, out! Out and worthy to speak where he breathes! What's he, senior? A friend of mine, sir. By heaven I wonder at you, citizens, what kind of creatures you are. Why, sir? That you can consult your sales with such poor seam-rent fellows. He says true. Sir, I will assure you, however you esteem of him, he's a man worthy of regard. Why, what has he in him of such virtue to be regarded, ha? Mary, he is a scholar, sir. Nothing else. And he is well travelled. He should get him close. I would cherish those good parts of travelling him, and prefer him to some nobleman of good plates. Sir, such a benefit should bind me to you for ever in my friend's right. And I doubt not, but his dessert shall more than answer my praise. Why, and he had good clothes, I'd carry him to court with me to-morrow. He shall not want for those, sir, if gold and the whole city will burnish him. You say well, sir. Faith, senior Delero, I am come to have you play the alchemist with me and change the species of my land into that metal you talk of. With all my heart, sir. What sum will serve you? Faith, sum, three or four hundred. Troth, sir. I have promised to meet a gentleman this morning in Paul's. But upon my return I'll dispatch you. I'll accompany you thither. As you please, sir. But I go not thither directly. It is no matter. I have no other designment in hand, and therefore is good go along. I were as good have a quatrain fever follow me now, for I shall near be rid of him. Bring me a cloak there, one. Still, upon his grace at court, I am sure to be visited. I was a beast to give him any hope. Well, would I were in that I am out with him once, and... Come, senior Miliklenty, I must confer with you as we go. Nay, good wife, I beseech thee for a sake these moods. Look not like winter thus. Here, take my keys. Open my counting-houses. Spread all my wealth before thee. Choose any object that delights thee. If thou wilt eat the spirit of gold and drink dissolved pearl and wine, tis for thee. So, sir? Nay, my sweet wife. Good lord, how you are perfumed in your terms and all. Pray you, leave us. Come, gentlemen. Adieu, sweet lady. Exiant all but fallous. Aye, aye. Let thy words ever sound in mine ears, and thy graces disperse contentment through all my senses. Oh, how happy is that lady above other ladies that enjoys so absolute a gentleman to her servant. A countess gives him her hand to kiss. Oh, foolish countess. He's a man worthy, if a woman may speak of a man's worth, to kiss the lips of an empress. Re-enter Fungosa with his tailor. What's Master Fastidious gone, sister? Aye, brother. Aside. He has a face like a cherubim. What's me what like this? I've fetched my tailor in all. Which way went he, sister, can you tell? Not I, in good faith. Aside. And he has a body like an angel. How long is it since he went? Why, but even now. Did you not meet him? Aside. And a tongue able to ravish any woman in the earth. Oh, for God's sake. I please you for your pains. To his tailor. But even now, say you? Come good, sir. Oh, Slent and I had forgot it, too. If anybody ask for mine Uncle Sogliardo, they shall have him at the herald's office, yonder, by Paul's. Exit with his tailor. Well, I will not altogether despair. I have heard of a citizen's wife has been beloved of a court year, and why not I? I hope. Well, I went into my private chamber, locked the door to me, and think over all his good parts, one after another. Exit. Well, I doubt this last scene will endure some grievous torture. How? You fit will be wracked by some hard construction. Do not you? No, in good faith. Unless mine eyes could light me beyond sense. I see no reason why they should be more liable to the rack than the rest. You'll say, perhaps, the city will not take it well that the merchant is made here to dough out so perfectly on his wife, and she again to be so fastidiously affected as she is. You have uttered my thoughts, sir, indeed. Why, by that proportion, the court might as well take offence at him, we call the court year, with much more pretext by how much the place transcends and goes before indignity and virtue. But can you imagine that any noble or true spirit in court whose sinewy and altogether unaffected graces very worthily express in a courtier will make any exception at the opening of such as empty trunk as this brisk is, or think his own worth impeached by beholding his motley inside? No, sir, I do not. No more, sure you. Will any grave wise citizen or modest matron take the object of this folly in Deliro and his wife, but rather apply it as the foil to their own virtues? For that were to affirm that a man writing of Nero should mean all emperors, or speaking of Machiavell comprehend all statesmen, or in our sordido all farmers, and so of the rest than which nothing can be uttered more malicious or absurd? There are a sort of these narrowed eyes decipher, as I confess, that will extort strange and obstruous meanings out of any subject, be it never so conspicuous and innocently delivered. But as such, or are they sit concealed? Let them know. The author defies them and their writing tables, and hopes no sound or safe judgment will infect itself with their contagious comments, who indeed come here only to pervert and poison the sense of what they hear, and for naught else. Enter Cavalier's shift with two sequestries, bills, in his hand. Stay! What new mute is this that walks so suspiciously? Oh, Mary, this is one for whose better illustration we must desire you to presuppose the stage. The middle isle impores, and that the west end of it. So, sir, and what follows? The faith, the whole volume of humour, and worthy of the unclassing. As how? What name do you give him first? He hath shift of names. Some call him Apple John, some Signor Whiff. Mary, his main standing name is Cavalier's shirt. The rest are but his clean shirts to his natures. And what makes he impulse now? Troth, as you see, for the advance of the sequie, or two, wherein he has surveyed himself, that of any of him take, he may hull up and down in the humour's while a little longer. It seems, then, he bears a very changing sail. Oh, as the winds, sir, here comes more. End of Act Two Act Three of Every Man Out of His Humour by Ben Johnson This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene One The Middle Isle of St. Paul's Cavalier Shift, coming forward. This is rare. I have set up my bills without discovery. Enter Orange. What, Signor Whiff? What fortune has brought you into these west parts? Truth, Signor, nothing but your room. I have been taking an ounce of tobacco hard by here with a gentleman, and I have come to spit private in Paul's. Save you, sir. Passes onward. Enter Clove. Master Apple John, you are well met. When shall we sup together and laugh, and be fat with those good winches, huh? Faith, sir, I must now leave you upon a few humour's and occasions. But when you please, sir. Exit. Yes, sweet Apple John. I wonder there are no more store of gallants here. What be these, too, Signor? Marry a couple, sir. That are mere strangers to the whole scope of our play. Only come to walk a turn or two in the scene of Paul's by chance. Save you, good Master Clove. Sweet Master Orange. How? Clove and Orange? Aye, and they are well met. For Tessa's dry and orange has ever grew. Nothing but salutation and oh, Lord, sir, and it pleases you to say so, sir. One that can laugh at a jest for company with a most plausible and extemporal grade. And some hour after, in private, ask you what it was. The other Monsieur, Clove, is a more spiced youth. He will sit you a whole afternoon sometimes in a bookseller's shop, reading the Greek, Italian and Spanish, when he understands not a word of either. If he had the tongues to his suits, he were an excellent linguist. Do you hear this reported for certainty? Oh, Lord, sir. Enter Punta Volo and Carlo, followed by two serving men. One leading a dog, the other bearing a bag. Sirra, take my cloak. And you, sir, Nave, follow me closer. If thou loosest my dog, thou shalt die a dog's death. I will hang thee. Tart, fear him not. He is a good lean slave. He loves a dog well, I warrant him. I see by his looks I. Mass, he somewhat like him. Slut. To the servant. Poison him. Make him away with a crooked pin, or somewhat man. Thou mayst have more security of thy life. So, sir, what? You have not put out your whole life? No, I do not yet want some fifteen or sixteen hundred pounds. But my lady, my wife, is out of her humour. She does not now go. No, how then? Mary, I am now in force to give it out upon the return of myself, my dog, and my cat. Your cat? Where is she? My squire has her there in the bag. Sirra, look to her. You are the better, sir. Your cat is nine lives, and your wife has but one. Besides, you will never be seasick, which will save me so much in conserves. When saw you, Senor Sugliardo? I came from him, but now he is at the Herald's office yonder. He requested me to go afar and take up a man or two for him in poles. Against these cognisance was ready. What, has he purchased arms, then? Aye, and rare ones, too. Are there as many colours there you saw any fools caught in your life? I'll go look among yarned bills and I can fit him with legs to his arms. With legs to his arms? Good. I will go with you, sir. They go to read the bills. Enter Fastidius, Deliro, and Machilanti. Come, let's walk in Mediterranean. I assure you, sir, I am not the least respected of them. I am not the least respected among ladies. But let that pass. Do you know how to go into the presence, sir? Why, on my feet, sir. No, on your head, sir. Fortis, that must bear you out. I assure you, as thus, sir. You must first have in a special care so to wear your hat, that it oppress not confusedly this your predominant or foretop. Because, when you come at the presence door, you may with whims or twice stroking up your forehead, thus, enter with your predominant perfect. That is, standing up stiff. As if one were frightened. Aye, sir. Which, indeed, a true fear of your mistress should do, rather than gum-water or whites of eggs, is it not so, sir? An ingenious observation give me leave to crave your name, sir. His name is McClenty, sir. Good-signor Marcellante, if this gentleman, Sr. Dillero, furnish you as he says he will with close, I will bring you to moral by this time into the presence of the most divine and acute lady in court. You shall see sweet, silent rhetoric and dumb eloquence speaking in her eye, but when she speaks herself an anatomy of wit so sinuized and arturized, that is the goodliest model of pleasure that ever was to behold. Oh, she strikes the world into admiration of her. Oh, oh, oh, I cannot express them, believe me. Oh, your only admiration is your silence, sir. For God, Carlo, this is good. Let's read them again. Read the bell. If there be any lady or gentleman of good carriage that his desire is to entertain to her private uses a young, straight and upright gentleman of the age of five or six and twenty at the most, who can serve in the nature of a gentleman usher and at little legs of purpose and a black satin suit of his own to go before her in, which suit for the more sweetening now lies in lavender and his face with a fan if need require or sit in the cold at the stater foot for her as well as another gentleman that her subscribe her name in place and diligent respect shall be given. This is above measure excellent. Now, this, this here's a fine slave. Read. If the city or the suburbs are the same, do afford any young gentleman of the first, second or third head more or less whose friends are but lately deceased and whose lands are but new calm into his hands that to be as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary garants are is affected to entertain the most gentleman like use of tobacco as first to give it the most exquisite perfume then to know all the delicate sweet forms for the assumption of it is also the rare corollary in practice of the Cuban evolution Europe's and with which she shall receive or taken here at London and evaporate at axe bridge or father if it please him if there be any such generous spirit that is truly enamoured of these good faculties may it please him but by a note of his hand to specify the place or ordinary where he uses to eat and lie and the most sweet tendons with tobacco and pipes of the thought shall be ministered state quasi candida lector why this is without parallel this well I'll mark this fellow for so good use presently or rather so good the order for his use faith either of them will serve they are both good properties I'll design the other place too that we may see him no better place than the meter that we may be spectators with you soft behold who enters here enter sogliardo senior sugliardo save you save you good sir punch tarvalo your dogs in health sir I see how now carlo we have 10 simple pens to choose you out followers here shows him the bills come hither senior miss your orange young galants observe us pretty let's talk fustion a little and gall them make them believe we are great scholars cool lord sir nay pretty let us believe me you have an excellent habit and discourse it pleases you to say so sir by this church you have nay come begin Aristotle in his team of loggia approves scalagher for the best navigator in his time and in his hypercritics he reports him to be hot aunt in more menace you understand the greek sir oh good sir for society's sake he does oh here would be a couple of fine tame parents now sir where as the ingenuity of the time and the soul's are but embryons in nature added to the punch of a squaline in the intervallum of the zodiac besides the ecliptic blind being optic and not mental but by the contemplative and theric part thereof both demonstrate to us the vegetable circumference and the ventosity of the tropics and whereas our intellectual or mincing capril according to the metaphysics as you may read in Plato's triomastics you conceive me sir oh lord sir then coming to the pretty animal as reason long since has fled to animals you know or indeed for the more modelizing or enameling or rather diamondizing of your subject you shall perceive the hypothesis or Galaxia whereof the meteors long since had their initial inceptions and notions to be merely pathagogical mathematical and aristocratical for look you sir there is ever a kind of consinity unspecies to our former discourse for they mark us not mass yonder's the night Punter Volo and my cousin Zogliardo me thinks I and his familiar that haunts him the devil with the shining face let him alone observe them not Zogliardo, Punter Volo and Carlo walk together nay I will have him I am resolute for that gentlemen I have been so toiled among the herits yonder you will not believe they do speak in the strangest language and give a man the hardest terms for his money that ever you knew but have your arms have your arms I faith I thank them I can write myself gentlemen now here's my patent it cost me 30 pound a very fair coat well charged in the full of armory nay it has as much variety of colors in it as you have seen a coat have how like you the crest sir I understand it not well what is Mary sir it is your bore without a head rampant a bore without a head that's very rare I and rampant too trough I commend the heralds wit he has deciphered him well a swine without a head without brain wit anything indeed ramping do gentility you can blaze on the rest in your can you not oh I I have it in writing here of purpose it cost me too shilling the tricking let's hear let's hear it is the most vile foolish absurd palpable and ridiculous scooching that ever this I survived save you good monsieur fastidious they salute as they meet in the walk silence good night on on sogliardo reads sergeant between two anlets sable a boar's head proper how's that on a chief sergeant sogliardo reads on a chief argant a boar's head proper between two anlets sable it's a hog's chicken puddings in a pewter field is here they shift fastidious mixes with punter volo, carlo and sogliardo, deliro and macchi lenti, clove and orange for a couple how like you them senior let the word be not without mustard your crust is very rare sir a frying pan to the crest had had no fellow entreat your poor friend to walk off a little senior I will salute the night come lap it up you are right well encountered sir how does your fair dog in reasonable state sir what citizen is that you are consorted with a merchant of any worth to senior deliro sir is it he save you sir they salute good sir punter volo what copy of fool with this place minister to one endued with patience to observe it may look you sir now you are a gentleman you must carry a more exalted presence change your mood and habit to a more of steer form be exceeding proud stand up your gentility and scorn every man speak nothing humbly never discourse under a nobleman though you never saw him but it's all a one love no man trust no man speak ill of no man to his face nor well of any man behind his back salute fairly on the front and wish them hanged upon the town spread yourself upon his bosom publicly whose heart you would eat in private these be principles think on them I'll come to you again presently exit punter volo to his servant sir the draw keep close yet not so close thy breath will thaw my rough oh good cousin I am a little busy how does my niece I am to walk with a knight here enter from go so with his tailor oh here he is look you sir that's the gentleman what he in the blush colored satin sir though his suit blush he blushes not look you that's the suit sir I would have mine such a suit without difference such stuff such a wing such a sleeve such a skirt belly and all therefore pray you observe it have your pair of tables why do you see sir they say I am fantastical why true I know it and I pursue my humor still in contempt of this sensorious age slight and a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale judgments about of this town will approve in him he were a sweet ass I'd beg him a faith I near knew any more fine fault with a fashion then they that knew not how to put themselves into it for my own part so I please mine own I am careless what the fusty world speaks of me per do you mark how it hangs at the knee there I warrant you sir for God's sake do not all do you see the collar sir fear nothing it shall not differ in a stitch sir pray heaven it do not you'll make these linings serve and help me to a Chapman for the outside will you I'll do my best sir you'll put it off presently I go with me to my chamber you shall have it but make haste of it for the love of a customer for I'll sit in my old suit or else lie a bed and read the Arcadia till you have done exit with his Taylor re-enter Carlo or if ever you are struck with a just galons now now now I do usher the most strange piece of military profession that ever was discovered in Israel Paulina where where what is he for a creature a pimp a pimp that I have observed yonder the rarest superfaces of a humor it comes every morning to empty his lungs in bowls here and offers up some five or six heck of tombs of faces and sighs and away again here he comes walk walk be not seen do not him and we shall have excellent sport and her shift and walks by using action to his rapier as lady vented a sigh Ian now I thought he would have blown up the church oh you shall have him give a number of those false fires he read the part see now he has expostulating with his rapier look look did you ever in your days observe better action over a hilt except it were in the person of a cutlet boy or that the fellow were nothing but a vapor I should think it impossible see again he claps he soared all the head as who should say well go to oh violence I wonder the blade can contain itself being so provoked with that the moody squire dumped his breast and reared fine to heaven for revenge troth and you be good gentlemen let's make them friends and take up the matter between his rapier and him may if you intend that you must lay down the matter for this rapier it seems is in the nature of a hanger on and the good gentlemen would happily be rid of him by my faith and tears to be suspected I'll ask him oh he's rich stuff for life's sake let us go a man would wish himself a senseless pillar rather than view these monstrous prodigies near habit infelix prepared to study a sensei when quad ridiculous ominous fat sheet exit with deliro senior at your service will you sell your rapier he has turned the wild upon the question he looks as he had seen a sergeant sell my rapier now fate bless me amen you'd ask me if I would sell my rapier sir I did indeed now lord have mercy upon me amen I say still slid sir what should you behold in my face sir that should move you as they say sir to ask me sir if I would sell my rapier let me pray you sir be not moved I protest I would rather have been silent than any way offensive had I known your nature sell my rapier odds lid nay sir for my own part as I am a man that has served in causes or so so I am not apt to injure any gentleman in the degree of falling foul but sell my rapier I will tell you sir I have served with this foolish rapier where some of us dare not appear in haste I name no man but let that pass sell my rapier death to my lungs this rapier sir has traveled by my side sir the best part of France and the low country I have seen flushing brill in the Hague with this rapier sir in my lord of Lester's time and by God's will he that should offer to disrapear me now I would look you sir you presumed to be a gentleman of sort and so likewise your friends here if you have any disposition to travel for the site of service or so one two or all of you I can lend you letters to diverse officers and commanders in the low countries that shall for my cause do you all the good offices that shall pertain or belong to gentlemen of your please you to show the bounty of your mind sir to impart some ten grotes or half a crown to our use till our ability be of growth to return it and we shall think oneself it's blood sell my rapier I pray you what said he senior he's a proper man Mary he tells me if I please to show the bounty of my mind to impart some ten grotes to his use or so break his head and give it him I thought he had been playing or the juice trump I my rapier no sir my rapier is my guard my defense my revenue my honor if you cannot impart be secret I beseech you and I will maintain it where there is a grain of dust or a drop of water hard is the choice when the valiant must eat their arms or Clem sell my rapier no my dear I will not be divorced from the yet I have ever found the true steel and you cannot impart sir save you gentlemen nevertheless if you have a fancy to it sir pretty away is senior delero departed have your senior pimp out face his own once better I commend him that can disassemble them so well true and have he no better a cloak for it than he has neither odds precious what mischievous luck is this you gentlemen whether in such haste monsieur after my merchant senior delero sir exit not he may have lose his title a good flounder if if orange and clove call shift aside how senior with what was the difference between that gallant that's gone and you sir no difference he would have given me five pound for my visit that's all oh was it no otherwise we thought you had been upon some terms no other than you saw sir I do good master apple John exit with orange how we found apple John too how what will you say of this be the appendix or label to both you indentures it may be all was of it Janus now that looks every way or thou Hercules that has traveled all countries it Carlos been not time in invocations now tis late senior here is a gentleman desirous of your name sir sir my name is Cavalier shift I am known sufficiently in this walk sir shift I heard your name varied even now as I take it true sir it pleases the world as I am her excellent debakonist to give me the style of senior whiff as I am a poor Esquire about the town here they call me master apple John variety of good names does well sir I am good parts to make those good names out of each I imagine on bills to be yours sir if I should deny the manuscripts I were worthy to be banished the Middle Isle forever I take your word sir this gentleman has subscribed to them and his most desirous to become your pupil Mary you must use expedition the senior in sol sol sol gliano this is the professor in good time sir nay good sir house your head do you profess the slights in tobacco I do more than profess sir and if you please to be a practitioner I will undertake in one fortnight to bring you that you shall take it plausibly the ordinary theater or the tilt yard if need be in the most popular assembly that is but you cannot bring him to the whiff so soon yes as soon sir he shall receive the first second and third with if it please him and upon the receipt take his horse drink his three cups of canary and expose one at houndslow a second at stains and a third at bagshot bow wow you will not serve me sir will you I'll give you more than countenance pardon me sir I do scorn to serve any man who he serve seblat he keeps highman and lowman he he has a fair living at fulham but in the nature of a fellow I'll be your follower if you please sir you shall stay and dine with me and if we can agree will not part in haste I'm very bountiful to men of quality where shall we go senior your meter is your best house I can make this dog take as many whiffs as I list and he shall retain or a few of them at my pleasure by your patience follow me fellows sir pun tarvalo pardon me my dog shall not eat in his company for a million exit with his servants nah be not you amazed senior with whatever that stiff necked gentleman says no for you do not know the humor of the dog as we do where shall we dine carlo I would feign go to one of these ordinaries now I am a gentleman so you may were you never at any yet no faith but they say their resort your most choice gallants true and the fashion is when any stranger comes in amongst them they all stand up and stare at him as he were some unknown beast brought out of Africa but that would be helped with a good adventurous face you must be impudent enough sit down and use no respect when anything is propounded above your capacity smile at it make two or three faces and is excellent they'll think you have travelled though you argued you a whole day in silence thus and discourse and nothing but laughter will pass only now and then give fire discharge a good fall oath and offer a great wager it will be admirable I warrant you I am resolute come good senior there's a poor French crown for your ordinary it comes well for I had not so much as the least portcullis of coin before I travail with another objection senior which I fear will be enforced against the author ere I can be delivered of it what's that sir that the argument of his comedy might have been of some other nature as of a Duke to be in love with the Countess and that Countess to be in love with the Duke's son and the son to love the ladies waiting made some such cross wooing with a clown to be their serving man better than to be thus near and familiarly alloyed to the time you say well but I would feign here one of these autumn judgments to find once quit, sit, comeurdia if you cannot let him content himself with Cicero's definition he have strength to propose to himself a better who would have a comedy to be imitatio vitae speculum consuetudinis imagoveratatus a thing throughout pleasant and ridiculous and accommodated to the correction of manners if the maker had failed in any particle of this they may worthy tax him but if not, why be you that are for them silent as I will be for him and give way to the actors seem to the country enter Sordido with the halter about his neck nay, God's precious if the weather and season be so respectless that beggars shall live as well as their betters and that my hunger and thirst for riches shall not make them hunger and thirst with poverty that my sleep shall be broken and their heart's not broken that my coffer shall be full and yet care there's empty and yet merry that a cross shall bear flesh and blood since flesh and blood cannot bear this cross what will he hang himself faith I it seems his prognostication has not to kept touch with him and that makes him despair be shrew me he will be out of his humour then indeed tut these star-monger naives who would trust them once as dark and rainy went is as clear as crystal another says tempestuous blasts and storms and twas as calm as a milk-bowl here be sweet rascals for a man to credit his whole fortunes with you sky-steering cockscombs you you fat brains out upon you you are good for nothing but to sweat night-caps and make rug gowns dear you learned men and have not a legion of devils a votra service a votra service by heaven I think I shall die a better scholar than they but soft enter a hind with a letter how now sir here is a letter come from your son sir from my son sir what would my son sir some good news no doubt reads sweet and dear father desiring you first to send me your blessing which is more worth to me than gold or silver I desire you likewise to be advertised at this trove tide contrary to custom we use always to have rebels which is indeed dancing and makes an excellent shoe in truth especially if we gentlemen be well-attired which our seniors note and think the better of our fathers the better we are maintained and that they shall know if they come up and have anything to do in the law therefore good father these are for your own sake as well as mine to re-desire you that you let me not want that which is fit for the setting up of our name in the honorable volume of gentility I may say to our calumniators with tully ergo sum or des damus may to ochesius to a and thus not doubting of your fatherly benevolence I humbly ask your blessing and pray God to bless you yours if his own fun go so how's this yours if his own if he not my son except he be his own son be like this is some new kind of subscription that you can now use well where for does now stay naive away go exit hind here's a letter indeed rebels and benevolence is this a weather to send benevolence or is this a season to revel in sled the devil and all takes part to vex me I think this letter would never have come now else now now when the sun shines in the air thus clear soul if this hold we shall shortly have an excellent crop spring out of the highways the streets in the houses of the town will be hid with the rankness of the fruits that grow there in spite of good husbandry go to I'll prevent the sight of it come as quickly as it can I will prevent the sight of it I have this remedy heaven claimers up and suspends the halter to a tree stay I'll try the pain thus a little oh nothing nothing well now shall my son gained a my death or anybody be the better for my gold or so forth no alive I kept it from them and dead my ghost shall walk about it and preserve it my son and daughter shall star where they touch it I have hit it as deep as hell from the sight of heaven and to it I go now flings himself off enter five or six rustics one after another all me what beautiful side is this help help help how now what's the matter where is a man has hanged himself up to get him again hanged himself a slid carry him afford justice to his chance medley of my word how now what's here to do how comes this one has executed himself contrary to order of law and by my consent he shall answer it they cut him down what do you were in case to answer it stand by he recovers give him breath oh massed was well you went the footway neighbor I am not I not cut the halter how cut the halter I mean I am undone I am undone Mary if you had not been undone you had been hanged I can tell you with red bear horse bread eating rascals if you would needs have been meddling could you not have untied it but you must cut it and in the midst too army oh don't meet is the catapilla so dido how cursed are the poor that the viper was blessed with this good fortune hey how a curse art thou that art cause to the curse of the poor I and to save so wretched a wretched be thy fingers that loosed him some desperate fury possesses thee that thou mayest hang thyself too never most thou be saved that saved so damned a monster what curses breed these men how have my deeds made my looks different from another man's that they should thus detest and loathe my life out of my wretched humor it is that makes me thus my eyes pardon me gentle friends I'll make fair minns for my fowlers past and 20 fold restore to all min what with wrong I rob them my barns and garners shall stand open still to all the poor that come and my best reign be made almsbread to feed half femmish mouths though hitherto amongst you I have lived like an unsavory muck hill to myself yet now my gathered heaps being spread abroad shall turn to me and I shall see my life in peace blessed then this man cursed him no more for the saving my life and soul together oh how deeply the bitter curses of the poor do pierce I am by wonder changed come in with me and witness my repentance now I prove my life is blessed that is not graced with love exit oh miracle well I'll get our clerk put his conversion in the accent monuments do for I warrant him he's a martyr oh god how he wept if you marked it did you see how the tears trilled yes believe me like master vicar's bowls upon the green for all the world oh neighbor God's blessing all your heart neighbor was a good grateful deed exeant how now mitis what's that you consider so seriously truth that which does essentially please me the warping condition of this green and soggy multitude but in good faith senior your author has largely outstrip my expectation in this scene I will liberally confess it for when I saw Saudi do so desperately intended I thought I had had a hand of him then what you suppose he should have hung himself indeed I did and had framed my objection to it ready which may yet be very fitly urged and with some necessity for though his proposed violence lost the effect and extended not to death yet the intent and the horror of the object was more than the nature of a comedy will in any sort admit I what think you have plautice in this comedy called sister laria there where she brings in Alcestor Marjus with a drum sword ready to kill himself and as he is Ian fixing his breast upon it to be restrained from his resolved outrage by Selenium and the board is not his authority of power to give our scene approbation sir I have this only evasion left me to say I think it be so indeed your memory is happier than mine but I wonder what engine he will use to bring the rest out of their humours that will appear anon never preoccupy your imagination with all let your mind keep company with the scene still which now removes itself from the country to the court here comes Masalente and send your brisk freshly suited lose not yourself for now the apetasis all busy part of our subject is an act scene three an apartment at the court enter Macalente both in a new suit and synodow with tobacco well now senior Masalente you are not only welcome to the court but also to my mistresses withdrawing chamber boy get me some tobacco I'll but go in and show I am here and come to you presently sir exit what's that he said my heaven I marked him not I were of another world I was admiring my known outside here to think what privilege and palm it bears here in the court be a man there so vile in wit in judgment manners or what else if he can purchase but a silken cover he shall not only pass but pass regarded whereas let him be poor and meanly clad though there so richly parted shall have a fellow that knows nothing but his beef or how to rinse his clammy guts in beer will take him by the shoulders or the throat and kick him down the stairs such as the state of virtue in bad clothes that Raymond should be in such high request how long should I be I should put off to the Lord Chancellor's tomb or the Shrive's post by heaven I think a thousand thousand year his gravity his wisdom and his faith to my dread sovereign graces that survive him these I could well endure to reverence but not his tomb no more than I'd commend the chapel organ for the guilt without or the space vile for the varnished face re-entrafestidious I fear I have made you stay somewhat long sir but is my tobacco ready boy Aye sir my mistress is upon coming you shall see her presently sir Puffs you'll say you never accosted a more piercing wit this tobacco is not dried boy or else the pipe is defective oh your wits of idly are nothing comparable to her her brains are very quiver of jests and she does dart them abroad with that sweet loose and judicial aim that you would hear she comes sir Saviolina looks in and draws back again it was time his invention had been bogged else Saviolina within give me my fun there how now Monsieur Bresch a kind of affectionate reverence strikes me with a cold shivering me thinks I like such tempers well as stand before their mistresses with fear and trembling before their maker like impudent mountains by this hand I'd spend twenty pound my vaulting or stood here now she might see me do but one trick why does she love activity or if you had to bet your long stockings on to be dancing a gilder does she comes by Aye either oh these stirring humours make ladies mad with desire she comes and genius emboldened me boy the pipe quickly enter Saviolina what will you give her music a second good morrow to my fair mistress fair servant I'll thank you a day hence when the date of your salutation comes forth how like you that answer is not admirable I were a simple cordier if I could not admire trifles sir sedious talks and takes tobacco between the breaks truth sweet lady I shall puffs be prepared to give you thanks for those thanks and study more officious and obsequious regards to your fair beauties mend the pipe boy I never knew tobacco taken as a parenthesis before for God sweet lady believe it I do honour the meanest rush in this chamber for your love Aye you need not tell me that sir I do think you do prize a rush before my love is this the wonder of nations oh by this air pardon me I said for your love by this light but it is the accustomed sharpness of your ingenuity sweet mistress to takes down the vial and plays mass your vials new strung me thinks ingenuity I see his ignorance will not suffer him to slander her which he had done notably if he had said wit for ingenuity as he meant it by the soul of music lady would we might hear it once I do more adore and admire your hmm predominant perfections then hmm hmm ever I shall have power and faculty to express hmm hmm hmm upon the fire of the gamble you mean it's miserably out of tune by this hand nay rather by the fingers it makes good harmony with her wit sweet lady tune it Saviolina tunes the vial boy some tobacco tobacco again he does court his mistress with very exceeding good changes signal Marcellante you take none sir no unless I had a mistress senior it were a great in decorum for me to take tobacco how like you her wit talks and takes tobacco between again her uh ingenuity is excellent sir you'll see the subject of her sweet fingers there oh she tickles it so that she makes it laugh most divinely I'll tell you a good just now and yourself shall say it's a good one I have wished myself to be that instrument I think a thousand times and not so few by heaven not unlike sir but how to be cased up and hung by on the wall oh no sir to be in use I assure you as your judicious eye may testify here servant if you will play come instantly sweet lady in good faith here's most divine tobacco nay I cannot stay to dance after your pipe good nay dear lady stay by this sweet smoke I think your wit be all fire and he's the salamander belongs to it is your tobacco perfume servant that you swear by the sweet smoke still more excellent before heaven and these bright lights I think you are made of ingenuity I true as your discourses are abominable will your ladyship take any oh peace I pray you I love not the breath of a woodcock's head meaning my head lady not altogether so sir but as it were fatal to their follies that think to grace themselves with taking tobacco when they want better entertainment to see your pipe bears the true form the woodcock's head oh admirable simile to his best leaving of you in admiration sir exit are these the admired lady wits that having so good a plain song can run no better division upon it well her chests are of the stamp March was 15 years ago is this the comet Mr. Fastidious that your gallants wonder at so hard of a gentleman to neglect me of for the presence thus sweet sir I beseech you be silent in my disgrace by the muses I was never in so vile a humor in my life and her wit was at the flood to report it not for a million good sir let me be so far in dear to your love exit what follows next senior cordatus this gallant's humor is almost spent me thinks it ebbs a pace with this contrary breath of his mistress oh but it will flow again for all this till there come a general drought of humor among our actors and then I fair not but his will fall as low as any sea he presents himself here what in the old case my faith which makes it unrepentant you understand where the scene is end of act 3