 Chapter 11. A Canticle of Love It is not only when he is about to send me some trial that our Lord gives me warning and awakens my desire for it. For years I had cherished a longing which seemed impossible of realization, to have a brother, a priest. I often used to think that if my little brothers had not gone to heaven, I should have had the happiness of seeing them at the altar. I greatly regretted being deprived of this joy, yet God went beyond my dream. I only asked for one brother who would remember me each day at the holy altar, and he has united me in the bonds of spiritual friendship with two of his apostles. I should like to tell you, dear mother, how our Divine Master fulfilled my desire. In 1895 our holy mother, Saint Teresa, sent my first brother as a gift from my feast. It was washing day, and I was busy at my work, when Mother Agnes of Jesus, then Priorus, called me aside and read me a letter from a young seminaryist, in which he said he had been inspired by Saint Teresa to ask for a sister who would devote herself, especially to his salvation, and to the salvation of his future flock. He promised always to remember the spiritual sister when saying mass, and the choice fell upon me. Dear mother, I cannot tell you how happy this made me. Such unlookful fulfillment of my desire awoke in my heart the joy of a child. It carried me back to those early days, when pleasures were so keen, that my hearts seemed too small to contain them. Years had passed since I had tasted a like happiness, so fresh, so unfamiliar, as if forgotten cords had been stirred within me. Fully aware of my obligations, I set to work, and strove to redouble my fervor. Now and again I wrote to my new brother. Undoubtedly, it is by prayer and sacrifice that we can help our missionaries, but sometimes, when it pleases our Lord to unite two souls for His glory, He permits them to communicate their thoughts, and thus inspire each other to love God more. Of course, an express command from those in authority is needed for this. Otherwise, it seems to me that such a correspondence would do more harm than good. If not to the missionary, at least to the Carmelite, whose manner of life tends to continual introversion. This exchange of letters, though rare, would occupy her mind uselessly, instead of uniting her to God. She would perhaps fancy she was doing wonders, when in reality, under cover of zeal, she was doing nothing but producing needless distraction. And here I am, launched, not upon a distraction, but upon a dissertation equally superfluous. I shall never be able to correct myself of these lengthy digressions, which must be so wearisome to you, dear mother. Forgive me, should I offend again. Last year, at the end of May, it was your turn to give me my second brother, and when I represented that, having given all my merits to one future apostle, I feared they could not be given to another. You told me that obedience would double their value. In the depths of my heart I thought the same thing, and, since the zeal of a Carmelite ought to embrace the whole world, I hope, with God's help, to be of use to even more than two missionaries. I pray for all, not forgetting our priests at home, whose ministry is quite as difficult as that of the missionary preaching to the heathen. In a word, I wish to be a true daughter of the church, like our holy mother St. Teresa, and pray for all the intentions of Christ Vicar. That is the one great aim of my life, but just as I should have had a special interest in my little brothers had they lived, and that, without neglecting the general interest of the church, so now I unite myself in a special way to the new brothers whom Jesus has given me. All that I possess is theirs also. God is too good to give by halves. He is so rich that He gives me all I ask for, even though I do not lose myself in lengthy enumerations. As I have my two brothers and my little sisters, the novices, the days would be too short where I had to ask in detail for the needs of each soul, and I fear I might forget something important. Simple souls cannot understand complicated methods, and, as I am one of their number, our Lord has inspired me with a very simple way of fulfilling my obligations. One day, after Holy Communion, He made me understand these words of the Canticles, We will run after thee to the odor of thy ointments. Canticles 1, verse 3 Oh my Jesus, there is no need to say. In drawing me, draw also the souls that I love. These words, draw me, suffice. When a soul has let herself be taken captive by the inebriating odor of thy perfumes, she cannot run alone, as a natural consequence of her attraction towards thee. The souls of all those she loves are drawn in her train. Just as a torrent carries into the depths of the sea, all that it meets on its way, So, my Jesus, does the soul who plunges into the shoreless ocean of thy love bring with it all its treasures. My treasures are the souls it has pleased thee to unite with mine. Thou hast confided them to me, and therefore I do not fear to use thy own words. Uttered by thee on the last night that saw thee still a traveler on this earth, Jesus, my beloved, I know not when my exile will have an end. Many a night I may yet sing thy mercies here below, but for me also will come the last night, and then I shall be able to say, I have glorified thee upon earth. I have finished the work which thou gavest to me. I have manifested thy name to the men whom thou hast given me out of the world. Thine they were, and to me thou gavest them, and they have kept thy word. Now they have known that all things which thou hast given me are from thee. Because the words which thou gavest me, I have given to them, and they have received them, and have known for certain that I came forth from thee, and they have believed that thou didst send me. I pray for them, I pray not for the world, but for them whom thou hast given me, because they are thine, and all mine are thine, and thine are mine, and I am glorified in them, and now I am no more in the world, and these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep them in thy name, whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we also are one. And now I come to thee, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy filled in themselves. I do not ask that thou take them away out of the world, but that thou preserve them from evil. They are not of the world, as I also am not of the world, and not for them only do I pray, but for those also who through their word shall believe in me. Father, I will that where I am, they also whom thou hast given me may be with me, that they may see my glory which thou hast given me, because thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world, and I have made known thy name unto them, and will make it known that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them. Footnote, cross-reference John 17. End footnote. Yea, Lord, that's what I repeat thy words before losing myself in thy loving embrace. Perhaps it is daring, but for a long time, hast thou not allowed me to be daring with thee? Thou hast said to me, as the prodigal's father to his eldest son, all I have is thine. Luke 15, verse 31. And therefore I may use thy very own words to draw down favors from our heavenly Father on all who are dear to me. My God, thou knowest that I have ever desired to love thee alone. It has been my only ambition. Thy love has gone before me, even from the days of my childhood. It has grown with my growth, and now it is an abyss whose depths I cannot fathom. Love attracts love. Mine darts towards thee, and would fain make the abyss brim over. But alas, it is not even as a dewdrop in the ocean. To love thee as thou lovest me, I must make thy love mine own. Thus alone can I find rest. O my Jesus, it seems to me that thou couldst not have overwhelmed a soul with more love than thou hast poured out on mine. And that is why I dare ask thee to love those thou hast given me. Even as thou lovest me, if in heaven I find that thou lovest them more than thou lovest me, I shall rejoice. For I acknowledge that their deserts are greater than mine. But now I can conceive no love more vast than that with which thou hast favored me without any merit on my part. Dear mother, what I have just written amazes me. I had no intention of writing it. When I said, the words which thou gave us me I have given unto them, I was thinking only of my little sisters in the novitiate. I am not able to teach missionaries. And the words I wrote for them were from the prayer of our Lord. I do not ask that thou shouldst take them out of the world. I pray also for them, who through their word shall believe in thee. How could I forget those souls they are to win by their sufferings and exhortations? But I have not told you all my thoughts on this passage of the sacred canticles. Draw me, we will run. Our Lord has said, No man can come to me except the Father who hast sent me. Draw him. John 6 verse 44 And later he tells us that whosoever seeks shall find, whosoever asks shall receive, that unto him that knocks it shall be opened. And he adds that whatever we ask the Father in his name shall be given us. It was no doubt for this reason that, long before the birth of our Lord, the Holy Spirit dictated these prophetic words, Draw me, we will run. By asking to be drawn, we desire an intimate union with the object of our love. If iron and fire were endowed with reason, and the iron could say, Draw me, would not that prove its desire to be identified with the fire to the point of sharing its substance? Well, this is precisely my prayer. I ask Jesus to draw me into the fire of his love, and to unite me so closely to himself that he may live and act in me. I feel that the more the fire of love consumes my heart, so much the more shall I say, Draw me, and the more also will souls who draw near me run swiftly in the sweet odor of the beloved. Yes, they will run. We shall all run together, for souls that are on fire can never be at rest. They may indeed, like St. Mary Magdalene, sit at the feet of Jesus. Listening to his sweet and burning words, but, though they seem to give him nothing, they give much more than Martha, who busied herself about many things. It is not Martha's work that our Lord blames, but her over-solicitude. His Blessed Mother humbly occupied herself in the same kind of work when she prepared the meals for the Holy Family. All the saints have understood this, especially those who have illumined the earth with the light of Christ's teaching. Was it not from prayer that St. Paul, St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa, and so many other friends of God drew that wonderful science which has enthralled the loftiest minds? Give me a lever and a fulcrum on which to lean it, said Archimedes, and I will lift the world. What he could not obtain because his request had only a material end. Without reference to God, the saints have obtained in all its fullness. They lean on God Almighty's power itself, and their lever is the prayer that inflames with love's fire. With this lever they have raised the world. With this lever the saints of the church militant still raise it, and will raise it to the end of time. Dear Mother, I have still to tell you what I understand by the sweet odor of the beloved. As our Lord is now in heaven, I can only follow him by the footprints he has left, footprints full of life, full of fragrance. I have only to open the holy Gospels, and at once I breathe the perfume of Jesus, and I then know which way to run, and it is not to the first place, but to the last that I hasten. I leave the Pharisee to go up, and full of confidence I repeat the humble prayer of the publican. Above all, I follow Magdalene, for the amazing, rather I should say, the loving audacity that delights the heart of Jesus, has cast its spell upon me. It is not because I have been preserved from mortal sin, that I lift up my heart to God in trust and love. I feel that even had I on my conscience every crime one could commit, I should lose nothing of my confidence. My heart broken with sorrow, I would throw myself into the arms of my Savior. I know that he loves the prodigal son. I have heard his words to St. Mary Magdalene, to the woman taken in adultery, and to the woman of Samaria. No one could frighten me, for I know what to believe concerning his mercy and his love. And I know that all that multitude of sins would disappear in an instant, even as a drop of water cast into a flaming furnace. It is told in the lives of the fathers of the desert how one of them converted a public sinner, whose evil deeds were the scandal of the whole country. This wicked woman, touched by grace, followed the saint into the desert, there to perform rigorous penance. But on the first night of the journey, before even reaching the place of her retirement, the bonds that bound her to earth were broken by the vehemence of her loving sorrow. The holy man, at the same instant, saw her soul borne by angels to the bosom of God. This is a striking example of what I want to say, but these things cannot be expressed. Dearest mother, if weak and imperfect souls like mine felt what I feel, none would despair of reaching the summit of the mountain of love, since Jesus does not ask for great deeds, but only for gratitude and self-surrender. He says, I will not take the he-goats from out of the flocks, for all the beasts of the forests are mine, the cattle on the hills and the oxen, I know all the fowls of the air. If I were hungry, I would not tell thee, for the world is mine, and the fullness thereof. Shall I eat the flesh of bullocks, or shall I drink the blood of goats? Offer to God the sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving. Psalm 49, 50, verses 9 through 14. This is all our Lord claims from us. He has need of our love. He has no need of our works. The same God, who declares that He has no need to tell us if He be hungry, did not disdain to beg a little water from the Samaritan woman. He was a thirst, but when He said, Give me to drink. John 4, verse 7. He, the Creator of the universe, asked for the love of His creature. He thirsted for love, and this thirst of our divine Lord was ever on the increase. Amongst the disciples of the world, He meets with nothing but indifference and ingratitude, and alas, among His own, how few hearts surrender themselves without reserve to the infinite tenderness of His love. Happy are we who are privileged to understand the inmost secrets of our divine spouse. If you, dear mother, would but set down in writing all you know, what wonders could you not unfold? But, like our blessed lady, you prefer to keep all these things in your heart. Footnote, cross reference Luke 2, verse 19, and footnote. To me you say that, it is honorable to reveal and confess the world of God. Tobias 12, verse 7. Yet you are right to keep silence, for no earthly words can convey the secrets of heaven. As for me, in spite of all I have written, I have not as yet begun. I see so many beautiful horizons, such infinitely varied tints, that the palette of the divine painter will alone, after the darkness of this life, be able to supply me with the colors wherewith I may portray the wonders that my soul describes. Since, however, you have expressed a desire to penetrate into the hidden sanctuary of my heart, and to have in writing what was the most consoling dream of my life, I will end this story of my soul, by an act of obedience. If you will allow me, it is to Jesus I will address myself, for in this way I shall speak more easily. You may find my expression somewhat exaggerated, but I assure you there is no exaggeration in my heart. There, all is calm and peace. O my Jesus, who can say how tenderly and gently thou dost lead my soul? The storm had raged there ever since Easter, the glorious feast of thy triumph, until, in the month of May, there shone through the darkness of my night one bright ray of grace. My mind dwelt on mysterious streams sent sometimes to thy favored ones. And I thought how such a consolation was not to be mine, that for me it was night, always the dark night. In the midst of the storm I fell asleep. The following day, May 10, just at dawn, I dreamt that I was walking in a gallery alone with our mother. Suddenly, without knowing how they had entered, I perceived three Carmelites in mansils and long veils, and I knew they came from heaven. Ah, I thought, how glad I should be if I could but look on the face of one of these Carmelites. And as if my wish had been heard, I saw the tallest of the three saints advance towards me. An inexpressible joy took possession of me as she raised her veil and then covered me with it. At once I recognized our venerable mother, Anne of Jesus, Foundress of the Carmel in France. Footnote. The venerable mother Anne of Jesus, in the world, Anne of Laubara, was born in Spain in 1545. She entered the Carmelite Order in 1570 in the first convent of St. Joseph of Avila and shortly afterwards became the counselor and co-agitor of St. Teresa who called her her daughter and her crown. St. John of the Cross, who was her spiritual director for 14 years, described her as a seraph incarnate and her prudence and sanctity were held in such esteem that most learned men consulted her in their doubts and accepted her answers as oracles. She was always faithful to the spirit of St. Teresa and had received from heaven the mission to restore the Carmel to its primitive perfection. Having founded three convents of the reform in Spain, she established one in France and another in Belgium. She died in the Order of Sanctity in the Carmel of Brussels on March 4, 1621. On May 3, 1878, his holiness, Pope Leo XIII, signed the decree introducing the cause of her beatification. End footnote. Her face was beautiful with an unearthly beauty, no rays came from it, and yet in spite of the thick veil which enveloped us, I could see it suffused by a soft light which seemed to emanate from her heavenly countenance. She caressed me tenderly and seeing myself the object of such affection. I made bold to say, Dear mother, I entreat you. Tell me, will our Lord leave me much longer in this world? Will he not soon come to fetch me? She smiled sweetly and answered, Yes, soon, very soon. I promise you. Dear mother, I said again, Tell me, if he does not want more from me than these poor little acts and desires that I offer him, is he pleased with me? Then our venerable mother's face shone with a new splendor and her expression became still more gracious. The good God asked no more of you, she said. He is pleased, quite pleased, and taking my head between her hands. She kissed me so tenderly that it would be impossible to describe the joy I felt. My heart was overflowing with gladness and, remembering my sisters, I was about to beseech some favor for them when, alas, I awoke. My happiness was too great for words. Many months have passed since I had this wonderful dream, and yet its memory is as fresh and delightful as ever. I can still picture the loving smiles of this holy Carmelite and feel her fond caresses. Oh, Jesus! Thou didst command the winds and the storm, and there came a great calm. Matthew 8, verse 10. On waking, I realized that heaven does indeed exist and that this heaven is peopled with souls who cherish me as their child. And this impression still remains with me. All the sweeter because, up to that time, I had but little devotion to the venerable mother Anne of Jesus. I had never sought her help, and but rarely heard her name. And now I know and understand how constantly I was in her thoughts, and the knowledge adds to my love for her and for all the dear ones in my father's home. Oh, my beloved! This was but the prelude of graces, yet greater which thou didst desire to heap upon me. Let me remind thee of them today and forgive my folly if I venture to tell thee once more of my hopes and my heart's well-nigh infinite longings. Forgive me and grant my desire that it may be well with my soul. To be thy spouse, oh, my Jesus, to be a daughter of Carmel and by my union with thee to be the mother of souls should not all this content me? And yet other vocations make themselves felt. I feel called to the priesthood and to the apostolate. I would be a martyr, a doctor of the church. I should like to accomplish the most heroic deeds. The spirit of the Crusader burns within me, and I long to die on the fields of battle in defense of holy church. The vocation of a priest. With what love, my Jesus, would I bear thee in my hand when my words brought thee down from heaven? With what love would I give thee to souls? And yet, while longing to be a priest, I admire and envy the humility of St. Francis of Assisi and am drawn to imitate him by refusing the sublime dignity of the priesthood. Footnote. St. Francis of Assisi, out of humility, refused to accept the sublime dignity of the priesthood and remained a deacon until his death. Editor. And footnote. How reconcile these opposite tendencies? Like the prophets and doctors, I would be a light unto souls. I would travel to every land to preach thy name, oh, my beloved, and raise on heathen soil the glorious standard of thy cross. One mission alone would not satisfy my longings. I would spread the gospel to the ends of the earth, even to the most distant aisles. I would be a missionary, not for a few years only, but, were it possible, from the beginning of the world to the consummation of time? Above all, I thirst for the martyr's crown. It was the desire of my earliest days, and the desire has deepened with the years past in the caramel's narrow cell. But this, too, is folly, since I do not sigh for one torment. I need them all to slake my thirst. Like thee, oh, adorable spouse, I would be scourged. I would be crucified. I would be flayed like St. Bartholomew, plunged into boiling oil like St. John, or like St. Ignatius of Antioch, ground by the teeth of wild beasts into a bread worthy of God. Footnote, an allusion to the beautiful words of the martyr St. Ignatius of Antioch, uttered when he heard the roar of the lions in the Roman arena. I am the wheat of Christ. Let me be ground by the teeth of the wild beasts that I may become clean bread. Editor, and footnote. With St. Agnes and St. Cecilia, I would offer my neck to the sword of the executioner, and, like Joan of Arc, I would murmur the name of Jesus at the stake. My heart thrills at the thought of the frightful tortures Christians are to suffer at the time of Antichrist, and I long to undergo them all. Open, O Jesus, the book of life, in which are written the deeds of thy saints. All the deeds told in that book I long to have accomplished for thee. To such folly as this, what answer wilt thou make? Is there on the face of this earth a soul more feeble than mine? And yet, precisely because I am feeble, it has delighted thee to accede to my least and most childlike desires, and today it is thy good pleasure to realize those other desires more vast than the universe. These aspirations becoming my true martyrdom. I open one day the epistles of St. Paul to seek relief in my sufferings. My eyes fell on the twelfth and thirteenth chapters of the first epistles to the Corinthians. I read that all cannot be apostles, prophets, and doctors, that the church is composed of different members, that the eye cannot also be the hand. The answer was clear, but it did not fulfill my desires or give me the peace I sought. Then descending into the depths of my nothingness, I was so lifted up that I reached my aim. St. John of the Cross. Without being discouraged I read on and found comfort in this council. Be zealous for the better gifts and I show unto you a yet more excellent way. 1 Corinthians 12, verse 31. The apostle then explains how all perfect gifts are nothing without love. That charity is the most excellent way of going surely to God. At last I had found rest. Meditating on the mystical body of the Holy Church, I could not recognize myself among any of its members as described by St. Paul. Or was it not rather that I wished to recognize myself in all? Charity provided me with the key to my vocation. I understood that since the church is a body composed of different members, the noblest and most important of all the organs would not be wanting. I knew that the church has a heart, that this heart burns with love and that it is love alone which gives life to its members. I knew that if this love were extinguished, the apostles would no longer preach the gospel and the martyrs would refuse to shed their blood. I understood that love embraces all vocations, that it is all things and that it reaches out through all the ages and to the uttermost limits of the earth because it is eternal. Then beside myself with joy I cried out, Oh Jesus, my love, at last I have found my vocation. My vocation is love. Yes, I have found my place in the bosom of the church and this place, oh my God, thou hast thyself given to me. In the heart of the church, my mother, I will be love. Thus I shall be all things. Thus will my dream be realized. Why do I say I am beside myself with joy? This does not convey my thought. Rather, it is peace which has become my portion, the calm peace of the sailor when he catches sight of the beacon which lights him to port. Oh luminous beacon of love, I know how to come even unto thee. I have found the means of borrowing thy fires. I am but a weak and helpless child, yet it is my very weakness which makes me dare to offer myself, oh Jesus, as victim to thy love. In olden days, pure and spotless holocausts alone were acceptable to the omnipotent God, nor could his justice be appeased, saved by the most perfect sacrifices. But the law of fear has given place to the law of love, and love has chosen me, a weak and imperfect creature, as its victim. Is not such a choice worthy of God's love? Yea, for in order that love may be fully satisfied, it must stoop even unto nothingness and must transform that nothingness into fire. Oh my God, I know it. Love is repaid by love alone. Saint John of the cross, therefore I have sought, I have found, how to ease my heart by rendering thee love for love. Use the riches that make men unjust to find you friends who may receive you into everlasting dwellings. Footnote, cross reference Luke 16 verse 9, and footnote, this, O Lord, is the advice thou gave us to thy disciples after complaining that the children of this world are wiser in their generation than the children of light. Luke 16 verse 8, child of light, as I am, I understood that my desires to be all things and to embrace all vocations were riches that might well make me unjust. So I set to work to use them for the making of friends. Mindful of the prayer of Elysias, when he asked the prophet Elias for his double spirit, I presented myself before the company of the angels and saints and addressed them thus. I am the least of all creatures. I know my mean estate, but I know that noble and generous hearts love to do good. Therefore, O blessed inhabitants of the celestial city, I entreat you to adopt me as your child. All the glory that you help me to acquire will be yours, only dain to hear my prayer and obtain for me a double portion of the love of God. O my God, I cannot measure the extent of my request. I should fear to be crushed by the very weight of its audacity. My only excuse is my claim to childhood and that children do not grasp the full meaning of their words. Yet if a father or mother were on the throne and possessed vast treasures, they would not hesitate to grant the desires of those little ones more dear to them than life itself. To give them pleasure, they will stoop even unto folly. Well, I am a child of holy church and the church is a queen because she is now espoused to the divine king of kings. I ask not for riches or glory, not even the glory of heaven. That belongs my right to my brothers, the angels and saints, and my own glory shall be the radiance that streams from the queenly brow of my mother, the church. Nay, I ask for love. To love thee, Jesus, is now my only desire. Great deeds are not for me. I cannot preach the gospel or shed my blood. No matter. My brothers work in my stead. And I, a little child, shall stay close to the throne and love thee for all who are in the strife. But how shall I show my love, since love proves itself by deeds? Well, the little child will strew flowers. She will embrace the divine throne with her fragrance. She will sing love's canticle in silvery tones. Yes, my beloved, it is thus my short life shall be spent in thy sight. The only way I have of proving my love is to strew flowers before thee. That is to say, I will let no tiny sacrifice pass. No look, no word. I wish to profit by the smallest actions and to do them for love. I wish to suffer for love's sake and for love's sake even to rejoice. Thus I shall strew flowers. Not one shall I find without scattering its petals before thee. And I will sing. I will sing always. Even if my roses must be gathered from amidst thorns and the longer and sharper the thorns, the sweeter shall be my song. But of what avail to thee, my Jesus, are my flowers and my songs. I know it well. This fragrant shower, these delicate petals of little price, these songs of love from a poor little heart like mine will nevertheless be pleasing unto thee. Triples they are, but thou wilt smile on them. The church triumphant, stooping towards her child, will gather up these scattered rose leaves and, placing them in thy divine hands, there to acquire an infinite value, will shower them on the church suffering to extinguish its flames and on the church militant to obtain its victory. O my Jesus, I love thee. I love my mother, the church. I bear in mind that the least act of pure love is of more value to her than all other works together. Saint John of the Cross. But is this pure love really in my heart? Are not my boundless desires but dreams, but foolishness? If this be so, I beseech thee to enlighten me. Thou knowest I seek but the truth. If my desires be rash, then deliver me from them and from this most grievous of all martyrdoms. And yet I confess, if I reach not those heights to which my soul aspires, this very martyrdom, this foolishness, will have been sweeter to me than eternal bliss will be. Unless by a miracle thou shouldest take from me all memory of the hopes I entertained upon earth. Jesus, Jesus, if the mere desire of thy love awakens such delight, what will it be to possess it, to enjoy it forever? How can a soul so imperfect as mine aspire to the plentitude of love? What is the key of this mystery? O my only friend, why dost thou not reserve these infinite longings to lofty souls, to the eagles that soar in the heights? Alas, I am but a poor little unfledged bird. I am not an eagle. I have but the eagle's eyes and heart. Yet notwithstanding my exceeding littleness, I dare to gaze upon the divine son of love, and I burn to dart upwards unto him. I would fly. I would imitate the eagles. But all that I can do is to lift up my little wings. It is beyond my feeble power to soar. What is to become of me? Must I die of sorrow because of my helplessness? Oh, no. I will not even grieve. With daring self-abandonment there I will remain until death. My gaze fixed upon that divine son. Nothing shall affright me, nor win, nor reign. And should impenetrable clouds conceal the horrible love? And should I seem to believe that beyond this life there is only darkness? That would be the hour of perfect joy. The hour in which to push my confidence to its uttermost bounds. I should not dare to detach my gaze, well knowing that beyond the dark clouds the sweet sun still shines. So far, oh my God, I understand thy love for thee. But thou knowest how often I forget this, my only care. I stray from thy side, and my scarcely fledged wings become draggled in the muddy pools of earth. Then I lament like a young swallow. Isaiah 38 verse 14. And my lament tells thee all, and I remember, oh infinite mercy, that thou didst not come to call the just, but sinners. Matthew 9 verse 15. Yet shouldest thou still be deaf to the plaintive cries of thy feeble creature, shouldest thou still be veiled, then I am content to remain benumbed with cold, my wings be draggled, and once more I rejoice in this well-deserved suffering. Oh, son, my only love, I am happy to feel myself so small, so frail in thy sunshine, and I am in peace. I know that all the eagles of thy celestial court have pity on me. They guard and defend me. They put to flight the vultures, the demons that feign would devour me. I fear them not, these demons. I am not destined to be their prey, but the prey of the divine eagle. Oh, eternal word, oh, my savior, thou art the divine eagle whom I love, who lurest me. Thou who, descending to this land of exile, diswill to suffer and to die, in order to bear away the souls of men and plunge them into the very heart of the blessed Trinity, loves eternal home. Thou who, re-ascending into inaccessible light, doth still remain concealed here in our veil of tears under the snow-white semblance of the host, and this, to nourish me with thine own substance. Oh, Jesus, forgive me if I tell thee that thy love reaches even unto folly. And in face of this folly, what wilt thou, but that my heart leap up to thee? How could my trust have any limits? I know that the saints have made themselves as fools for thy sake. Being eagles, they have done great things. I am too little for great things, and my folly it is to hope that thy love accepts me as victim. My folly it is to count on the aid of angels and saints. In order that I may fly unto thee with thine own wings, oh, my divine eagle, for as long as the time as thou willest I shall remain, my eyes fixed upon thee. I long to be a Lord by thy divine eyes. I would become love's prey. I have the hope that thou wilt one day swoop down upon me, and, bearing me away to the source of all love, thou wilt plunge me at last into the glowing abyss, that I may become forever its happy victim. Oh, Jesus, would that I could tell all little souls of thine ineffable condescension. I feel that if by any possibility thou couldest find one weaker than my own, thou wouldest take delight in loading her with still greater favors, provided that she abandoned herself with entire confidence to thine infinite mercy. But, oh my spouse, why these desires of mine to make known the secrets of thy love? Is it not thyself alone who has taught them to me, and canst thou not unveil them to others? Yea, I know it, and this I implore thee. I entreat thee to let thy divine eyes rest upon a vast number of little souls. I entreat thee to choose in this world a legion of little victims of thy love. End of Chapter 11 Epilogue of the Story of a Soul This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet The Story of a Soul The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux Translated by Thomas Taylor Epilogue A Victim of Divine Love Many pages of this story, said its writer, will never be read upon earth. It is necessary to repeat and emphasize her words. There are sufferings which are not to be disclosed here below. Our Lord has jealously reserved to himself the right to reveal their merit and glory, in the clear vision where all veils shall be removed. My God, she cried on the day of her religious profession, give me martyrdom of soul or body, or rather give me both the one and the other. And our Lord, who, as she herself avowed, fulfilled all her desires, granted this one also, and in more abundant measure than the rest, he caused the floods of infinite tenderness pent up in his divine heart to overflow into the soul of his little spouse. This was the martyrdom of love, so well described in her melodious song. But it was her own doctrine that said, to dedicate oneself as a victim of love is not to be dedicated to sweetness and consolations. It is to offer oneself to all that is painful and bitter, because love lives only by sacrifice. And the more we would surrender ourselves to love, the more we must surrender ourselves to suffering. Therefore, because she desired to attain the loftiest height of love, the Divine Master led her thither by the rugged path of sorrow, and it was only on his bleak summit that she died a victim of love. We have seen how great was her sacrifice in leaving her happy home and the Father who loved her so tenderly. It may be imagined that this sacrifice was softened, because at the Carmel she found again her two elder and dearly loved sisters. On the contrary, this afforded the young postulate many an occasion for repressing her strong natural affections. The rules of solitude and silence were strictly observed, and she only saw her sisters at recreation. Had she been less mortified, she might often have sat beside them, but by preference she sought out the company of those religious who were least agreeable to her, and no one could tell whether or not she bore a special affection towards her own sisters. Sometime after her entrance, she was appointed as aid to Sister Agnes of Jesus, her dear Pauline. This was a fresh occasion for sacrifice. Therese knew that all unnecessary conversation was forbidden, and therefore she never allowed herself even the least word. Oh, my little mother, she said later, how I suffered! I could not open my heart to you, and I thought you no longer knew me. After five years of this heroic silence, Sister Agnes of Jesus was elected prioris. On the evening of the election, Therese might well have rejoiced that henceforth she could speak freely to her little mother, and, as of old, pour out her soul. But sacrifice had become her daily food. If she sought one favor more than another, it was that she might be looked on as the lowest and the least, and, among all the religious, not one saw less of the mother prioris. She desired to live the life of Carmel with all the perfection required by Saint Therese, and, although a martyr to habitual dryness, her prayer was continuous. On one occasion a novice, entering her cell, was struck by the heavenly expression of her countenance. She was sowing industriously, and yet seemed lost in deep contemplation. What are you thinking of? the young sister asked. I am meditating on the Our Father, Therese answered. It is so sweet to call God Our Father, and tears glistened in her eyes. Another time she said, I cannot well see what more I shall have in heaven than I have now. I shall see God, it is true, but, as to being with him, I am that already even on earth. The flame of divine love consumed her, and this is what she herself relates. A few days after the oblation of myself to God's merciful love, I was in the choir, beginning the way of the cross, when I felt myself suddenly wounded by a dart of fire so ardent that I thought I should die. I do not know how to explain this transport. There is no comparison to describe the intensity of that flame. It seemed as though an invisible force plunged me wholly into fire, but, oh, what fire, what sweetness! When Mother Priaris asked her if this rapture was the first she had experienced, she answered simply, Dear Mother, I have had several transports of love, and one in particular during my novitiate, when I remained for a whole week far removed from this world. It seemed as though a veil were thrown over all earthly things, but I was not then consumed by a real fire. I was able to bear those transports of love without expecting to see the ties that bound me to earth give way, whilst, on the day of which I now speak, one minute, one second more, and my soul must have been set free. Alas, I found myself again on earth, and dryness at once returned to my heart. True, the divine hand had withdrawn the fiery dart, but the wound was unto death. In that close union with God, Therese acquired a remarkable mastery over self. All sweet virtues flourished in the garden of her soul, but do not let us imagine that these wondrous flowers grew without effort on her part. In this world there is no fruitfulness without suffering, either physical pain, secret sorrow, or trials known sometimes only to God. When good thoughts and generous resolutions have sprung up in our souls through reading the lives of the saints, we ought not to content ourselves, as in the case of profane books, with paying a certain tribute of admiration to the genius of their authors. We should rather consider the price which, doubtless, they have paid for that supernatural good they have produced. Domgaranger And if today Therese transformed so many hearts, and the good she does on earth is beyond reckoning, we may well believe she bought it all at the price with which Jesus bought back our souls, by suffering and the cross. Not the least of these sufferings was the unceasing war she waged against herself, refusing every satisfaction to the demands of her naturally proud and impetuous nature. While still a child she had acquired the habit of never excusing herself or making a complaint, at the carmel she strove to be the little servant of her sisters in religion, and in that same spirit of humility she endeavored to obey all without distinction. One evening, during her illness, the community had assembled in the garden to sing a hymn before an altar of the Sacred Heart. Sore Therese, who was already wasted by fever, joined them with difficulty, and, arriving quite exhausted, was obliged to sit down at once. When the hymn began, one of the sisters made her a sign to stand up, without hesitation, the humble child rose, and, in spite of the fever and great oppression from which she was suffering, remained standing to the end. The infomerian had advised her to take a little walk in the garden for a quarter of an hour each day. This recommendation was for her a command. One afternoon a sister, noticing what an effort it cost her, said, Sore Therese, you would do much better to rest. Walking like this cannot do you any good. You only tire yourself. That is true, she replied, but do you know what gives me strength? I offer each step for some missionary. I think that possibly, over there, far away, one of them is weary and tired in his apostolic labors, and to lessen his fatigue I offer mine to the good God. She gave her novices some beautiful examples of a detachment. One year the relations of the sisters and the servants of the convent had sent bouquets of flowers for Mother Pyrus' feast. Therese was arranging them most tastefully when a lay sister said crossly, It is easy to see that the large bouquets have been given by your friends. I suppose those sent by the poor will again be put in the background. A sweet smile was the only reply, and notwithstanding the unpleasing effect, she immediately put the flowers sent by the servants in the most conspicuous place. Struck with admiration, the lay sister went at once to the priors to accuse herself of her unkindness and to praise the patience and humility shown by Sor Therese. After the death of Therese, that same sister, full of confidence, pressed her forehead against the feet of the saintly nun, once more asking forgiveness for her fault. At the same instant she felt herself cured of cerebral anemia, from which she had suffered for many years, and which had prevented her from applying herself either to reading or mental prayer. Far from avoiding humiliations, Sor Therese sought them eagerly, and for that reason she offered herself as aid to a sister who, she well knew, was difficult to please and her generous proposal was accepted. One day, when she had suffered much from this sister, a novice asked her why she looked so happy. Great was her surprise on receiving the reply. It is because Sister N has just been saying disagreeable things to me. What pleasure she has given me! I wish I could meet her now and give her a sweet smile. As she was still speaking, the sister in question knocked at the door, and the astonished novice could see for herself how the saints forgive. Sor Therese acknowledged later on, she soared so high above earthly things that humiliations did but make her stronger. To all these virtues she joined a wonderful courage. From her entrance into the carmel, at the age of fifteen, she was allowed to follow all the practices of its austere rule, the fast alone accepted. Sometimes her companions in the novitiate, seeing how pale she looked, tried to obtain a dispensation for her, either from the night office or from rising at the usual hour in the morning. But the mother priors would never yield to these requests. A soul of such metal, she would say, ought not to be dealt with as a child. Dispensations are not meant for her. Let her be, for God sustains her. Besides, if she is really ill, she should come and tell me herself. Footnote Mother Mary of Gonzaga died December 17, 1904, at the age of seventy-one. Mother Agnes of Jesus, Pauline, was at that time priors. The former, herself in the line of St. Anthony of Padua, recognized in Sor Therese a heroic soul filled with holiness and capable of becoming one day an excellent priors. With this end in view, she trained her with a strictness for which the young saint was most grateful. In the arms of Mother Mary of Gonzaga, the little flower of Jesus was welcomed to the carmel, and in those arms she died. Happy, she declared, not to have in that hour as superior as her little mother, in order the better to exercise her spirit of faith in authority. Editor. End Footnote But it was always a principle with Therese that we should go to the end of our strength before we complain. How many times did she assist at Matins, suffering from vertigo or violent headaches? I am able to walk, she would say, and so I ought to be at my duty. And, thanks to this undaunting energy, she performed acts that were heroic. It was with difficulty that her delicate stomach accustomed itself to the frugal fare of the carmel. Certain things made her ill, but she knew so well how to hide this that no one ever suspected it. Her neighbor at table said that she had tried in vain to discover the dishes that she preferred, and the kitchen sisters, finding her so easy to please, invariably served her with what was left. It was only during her last illness, when she was ordered to say what disagreed with her, that her mortifications came to light. When Jesus wishes us to suffer, she said at that time, there can be no evading it. And so, when Sister Mary of the Sacred Heart was procured matrix. Footnote As will be remembered, this was Marie, her eldest sister. Editor. End Footnote She endeavored to look after me with a mother's tenderness to all appearances I was well cared for, and yet what mortifications did she not impose upon me? For she served me according to her own taste, which was entirely opposed to mine. Teresa's spirit of sacrifice was far reaching. She eagerly sought what was painful and disagreeable, as her rightful share. All that God asked, she gave him without hesitation or reserve. During my postulancy, she said, it cost me a great deal to perform certain exterior penances. Customary in our convents, but I never yielded to these repugnances. It seemed to me that the image of my crucified Lord looked at me with beseeching eyes and begged these sacrifices. Her vigilance was so keen that she never left unobserved any little recommendations of the mother prioris, or any of the small rules which render the religious life so meritorious. One of the old nuns, having remarked her extraordinary fidelity on this point, ever afterwards regarded her as a saint. Sor Teresa was accustomed to say that she never did any great penances. That was because her fervor counted as nothing, the few that were allowed her. It happened, however, that she fell ill through wearing for too long a time a small iron cross, studded with sharp points that pressed into her flesh. Such a trifle would not have caused this, she said afterwards. If God had not wished thus to make me understand that the greater austerities of the saints are not meant for me, nor for the souls that walk in the path of spiritual childhood. The souls that are the most dear to my father, our Lord once said to Saint Teresa, are those he tries the most, and the greatness of their trials is the measure of his love. Therese was a soul most dear to God, and he was about to fill up the measure of his love by making her pass through a veritable martyrdom. The reader will remember the call on Good Friday, April 3rd, 1896, when, to use her own expression, she heard the distant murmur which announced the approach of the bridegroom, but she had still to endure long months of pain before the blessed hour of her deliverance. On the morning of that Good Friday, she made so little of the hemorrhage of the previous night that Mother Priorus allowed her to practice all the penances prescribed by the rule for that day. In the afternoon, a novice saw her cleaning windows. Her face was livid, and, in spite of her great energy, it was evident that her strength was almost spent. Seeing her fatigue, the novice, who loved her dearly, burst into tears and begged lead to obtain her some little reprieve. But the young novice mistress strictly forbade her, saying that she was quite able to bear this slight fatigue on the day on which Jesus had suffered and died. Soon a persistent cough made the Mother Priorus feel anxious. She ordered Sorteres a more strengthening diet, and the cough ceased for some time. Truly, sickness is too slow a liberator, exclaimed our dear little sister. I can only rely upon love. She was strongly tempted to respond to the appeal of the Carmelites of Hanoi, who much desired to have her, and began a novena to the venerable Theophane Vennard to obtain her cure. Footnote. The blessed Theophane Vennard was born at St. Luke in the diocese of Poitiers. On the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lady, November 21, 1829, he was martyred at Ketchow, Tong King, on the Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord, February 2, 1861, at the age of 32. A long and delightful correspondence with his family, begun in his college days and completed from his cage at Ketchow, reveals a kinship of posy as well as of sanctity and of the love of home, between the two spring flowers. The beauty of his soul was so visible in his boyish face that he was spared all torture during his two months in the cage. In 1909, the year in which Therese became servant of God by the commencement of the Episcopal process, her patron received the honors of beatification. Another child of France, Joan, its martyr maid, whose praises have been sung in affectionate verse by the saints of St. Luke and Lysieux, was beatified that same year. But alas, that novena proved but the beginning of a more serious phase of her malady. Like her divine master, she passed through the world doing good. Like him, she had been forgotten and unknown, and now, still following in his footsteps, she was declined to the hill of Calvary. A custom to see her always suffering, yet always joyous and brave, mother priorous, doubtless inspired by God, allowed her to take part in the community exercises, some of which tired her extremely. At night, she would courageously mount the stairs alone, pausing at each step to take breath. It was with difficulty that she reached her cell, and then in so exhausted a state, that sometimes, as she avowed later, it took her quite an hour to undress. After all this exertion, it was upon a hard pallet that she took her rest. Her nights, too, were very bad, and when asked if she would like someone to be near her in her hours of pain, she replied, Oh no! On the contrary, I am only too glad to be in a cell away from my sisters, that I may not be heard. I am content to suffer alone. As soon as I am pitied and loaded with attentions, my happiness leaves me. What strength of soul these words betray? Where we find sorrow, she found joy. What to us is too hard to bear? Being overlooked and ignored by creatures, became to her a source of delight. And her divine spouse knew well how to provide that bitter joy she found so sweet. Painful remedies had often to be applied. One day, when she had suffered from them more than usual, she was resting in her cell during recreation, and overheard a sister in the kitchen speaking of her thus. Sore Therese will not live long, and really sometimes I wonder what our mother Pryrus will find to say about her when she dies. Footnote. An allusion to the obituary notice sent to each of the French Carmels when a Carmelite nun dies in that country. In the case of those who die in the odor of sanctity, these notices sometimes run to considerable length. Four notices issued from the Carmel of Lusus are of great interest to the clients of Sore Therese, are in the course of publication at the Orphan's Press, Rokedale. Those are the Carmels' saintly foundress, Mother Genevieve of St. Teresa, whose death is referred to in Chapter 8, Mother Mary of Gonzaga, the Pryrus of Therese, Sister Mary of the Eucharist, Marie Garin, the cousin of Therese, Chapter 3. And most interesting of all, the long sketch, partly autobiographical, of Mother Mary of St. Angeles, Marie Ange, the trophy of Therese, brought by her intercession to the Carmel in 1902, where the writer made her acquaintance in the following spring. She became Pryrus in 1908, dying 18 months later in the odor of sanctity, aged only 28. Editor. End footnote. She will be sorely puzzled for this little sister, amiable as she is, has certainly never done anything worse speaking about. The Infomerian, who had also overheard the remark, turned to Therese and said, if you relied upon the opinion of creatures, you would indeed be disillusioned today. The opinion of creatures, she replied, happily God has given me the grace to be absolutely indifferent to that. Let me tell you something which showed me, once and for all, how much it is worth. A few days after my clothing, I went to our dear mother's room and one of the sisters who happened to be there said on seeing me, dear mother, this novice certainly does you credit. How well she looks! I hope she may be able to observe the rule for many years to come. I was feeling decidedly pleased at this compliment when another sister came in and, looking at me, said, poor little sore Therese, you quite alarm me. If you do not soon improve, I am afraid you will not be able to keep the rule very long. I was then only sixteen, but this little incident made such an impression on me that I never again set store on the varying opinion of creatures. On another occasion, someone remarked, it is said that you have never suffered much. Smiling, she pointed to a glass containing medicine of a bright red color. You see this little glass, she said, one would suppose that it contained a most delicious draft, whereas, in reality, it is more bitter than anything else I take. It is the image of my life. To others it has been all rose color. They have thought that I continually drink of a most delicious wine, yet to me it has been full of bitterness. I say bitterness, and yet my life has not been a bitter one, for I have learned to find my joy and sweetness in all that is bitter. You are suffering very much just now, are you not? I have so longed to suffer. How it distresses us to see you in such pain, and to think it may increase, said her novices. Oh, do not grieve about me. I have reached a point where I can no longer suffer, because all suffering is become so sweet. Besides, it is quite a mistake to trouble yourselves as to what I may still have to undergo. It is like meddling with God's work. We who run in the way of love must never allow ourselves to be disturbed by the past. I did not simply live from one moment to another. It would be impossible for me to be patient, but I only look at the present. I forget the past, and I take good care not to forestall the future. When we yield to discouragement or despair, it is usually because we think too much about the past and the future, but pray much for me, for it is often just when I cry to heaven for help that I feel most abandoned. How do you manage not to give way to discouragement at such times? I thank God and all His saints, and thank them not withstanding. I believe they want to see how far my trust may extend, but the words of Job have not entered my heart in vain. Even if God should kill me, I would still trust in Him. Footnote, cross-reference Job 13, verse 15, and footnote. I own it has taken a long time to arrive at this degree of self-abandonment, but I have reached it now, and it is the Lord Himself who has brought me there. Another time she said, Our Lord's will fills my heart to the brim, and hence, if ought else is added, it cannot penetrate to any depth, but, like oil on the surface of limpid waters, glides easily across. If my heart were not already brimming over, and must needs be filled by the feelings of joy and sadness that alternate so rapidly, then indeed would it be flooded by a wave of bitter pain. But these quick succeeding changes scarcely ruffle the surface of my soul, and in its depths there reigns a peace that nothing can disturb. And yet her soul was enveloped in thick darkness, and her temptations against faith, ever conquered but ever returning, were there to rob her of all feeling of happiness at the thought of her approaching death. Were it not for this trial, which is impossible to understand, she would say, I think I should die of joy at the prospect of soon leaving this earth. By this trial, the Divine Master wished to put the finishing touches on her purification, and thus enable her to not only walk with rapid steps, but to run in her little way of confidence and abandonment. Her words repeatedly prove this. I desire neither death nor life. Were our Lord to offer me my choice, I would not choose. I only will what He wills. It is what He does that I love. I do not fear the last struggle, nor any pains, however great my illness may bring. God has always been my help. He has led me by the hand from my earliest childhood, and on Him I rely. My agony may reach the furthest limits, but I am convinced He will never forsake me. Such confidence in God, of necessity stirred the fury of the devil, of Him who, at life's close, tries every ruse to sow the seeds of despair in the hearts of the dying. Last night I was seized by a terrible feeling of anguish. She confessed to mother Agnes of Jesus on one occasion. I was lost in darkness, and from out of it came in a cursed voice. Are you certain God loves you? Has He Himself told you so? The opinion of creatures will not justify you in His sight. These thoughts had long tortured me. When your little note, like a message from heaven, was brought to me, you recalled to me, dear mother, the special graces Jesus had lavished upon me, and as though you had had a revelation concerning my trial, you assured me I was deeply loved by God, and was on the eve of receiving from His hands my eternal crown. Immediately peace and joy were restored to my heart, yet the thought came to me, it is my little mother's affection that makes her write these words. Straightway I felt inspired to take up the Gospels, and, opening the book at random, I lighted on a passage which had hitherto escaped me. He whom God hath sent, speak at the words of God, and give the spirit by measure. John 3, verse 34 Then I fell asleep fully consoled. It was you, dear mother, whom the good God sent me, and I must believe you, because you speak the words of God. For several days during the month of August, Therese remained, so to speak, beside herself, and implored that prayers might be offered for her. She had never before been seen in this state, and in her inexpressible anguish she kept repeating, I pray it is to pray for the agonizing if one only knew. One night she entreated the infomerion to sprinkle her bed with holy water, saying, I am besieged by the devil. I do not see him, but I feel him. He torments me and holds me with an iron grip, that I may not find one crumb of comfort. He augments my woes, that I may be driven to despair, and I cannot pray. I can only look at our blessed lady and say, Jesus, faithful is that prayer we say at compline. Procale reche dot somnia, et nochium fantasmata, frias from the phantoms of the night. Something mysterious is happening within me. I am not suffering for myself, but for some other soul, and Satan is angry. The infomerion, startled, lighted a blessed candle, and the spirit of darkness fled, never to return, but the sufferer remained to the end in a state of extreme anguish. One day, while she was contemplating the beautiful heavens, someone said to her, soon your home will be there, beyond the blue sky. How lovingly you gaze at it! She only smiled, but afterwards she said to the mother priorus, Dear mother, the sisters do not realize my sufferings. Just now, when looking at the sky, I merely admire the beauty of the material heaven. The true heaven seems more than ever whispered, yes, you are looking at heaven out of love. Since your soul is entirely delivered up to love, all your actions, even the most indifferent, are marked with this divine seal. At once I was consoled. In spite of the darkness which enveloped her, her divine savior sometimes left the door of her prison ajar. Those were moments in which her soul lost itself in transports of confidence and love. Thus it happened then on a certain day, when walking in the garden supported one of her own sisters, she stopped at the charming spectacle of a hen sheltering its pretty little ones under its wing. Her eyes filled with tears, and, turning to her companion, she said, I cannot remain here any longer, let us go in. And even when she reached her cell, her tears continued to fall, and it was some time before she could speak. At last, she looked at her sister with a heavenly expression and said, I was thinking of our Lord, and the beautiful comparison he chose to make us understand his ineffable tenderness. This is what he has done for me all the days of my life. He has completely hidden me under his wing. I cannot express all that just stirred my heart. It is well for me that God conceals himself and lets me see the effects of his mercy but rarely, and as it were, from behind the lattices. Were it not so, I could never bear such sweetness. Disconsole at the prospect of losing their treasure. The community began to our Lady of Victories on June 5, 1897 in the fervent hope that she would once again miraculously raise the drooping little flower. But her answer was the same as that given by the Blessed Martyr, Theophane Venard, and they were forced to accept with generosity the bitterness of the coming separation. At the beginning of July, her state became very serious, and she was at last removed to the infirmary. Seeing her empty cell and knowing she would never return to it, Mother Agnes of Jesus said to her, When you are no longer with us how sad I shall feel when I look at this cell. For consolation, little mother, you can think how happy I am up there and remember that much of my happiness was acquired in that little cell. For, she added, raising her beautiful eyes to heaven, I have suffered so much there and I should have been happy to die there. As she entered the infirmary she looked towards the miraculous statue of our Lady, which had been brought thither. It would be impossible to describe that look. What is it you see? said her sister Marie, the witness of her miraculous cure as a child. And Therese answered, Never has she seen to me so beautiful. But today it is the statue, whereas that other day, as you know well, it was not the statue. And from that time she often received similar consolations. One evening she exclaimed, Oh how I love our Blessed Lady! Had I been a priest, how I would have sung her praises! She is spoken of as unapproachable, whereas she should be represented as easy of imitation. She is more mother than queen. I have heard it said that her splendor eclipses that of all the saints as the rising sun makes all the stars disappear. It sounds so strange that a mother should take away the glory of her children. I think quite the reverse. I believe that she will greatly increase the elect. Our Mother Mary! Oh how simple her life must have been! And, continuing her discourse, she drew such a sweet and delightful picture of the Holy Family that all present were lost in admiration. A very heavy cross awaited her before going to join her spouse. From August 16 to September 30, the happy day of her death, she was unable to receive Holy Communion because of her continual sickness. Few have hungered for the bread of angels like this seraph of earth. Again and again during the last winter of her life, after nights of intolerable pain, she rose at early mourn to partake of the manna of heaven, and she thought no price too heavy to pay for the bliss of feeding upon God. Before depriving her altogether of this heavenly food, our Lord often visited her on her bed of pain. Her Communion on July 16, the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, was specially touching. On the night, she composed some verses which were to be sung before Communion. Thou knowest the basis of my soul, O Lord, yet fear is not to stoop and enter me. Come to my heart, O Sacrament adored. Come to my heart, it craveth but for thee. And when thou comest, straightway let me die a very love for thee, this boon in part. O hearken, Jesus, to my suppliant cry. Come to my heart. In the morning, when the Holy Viactium was carried away, the Cloisters were thickly strewn with wildflowers and rose petals. A young priest, who was about to say his first mass that day in the Chapel of the Carmel, bore the blessed sacrament to the dying sister, and at her desire, Sister Mary of the Eucharist, whose voice was exceptionally sweet, sang the following couplet, Sweet martyrdom, to die of love's keen fire, the martyrdom of which my heart is fain, hasten ye cherubim, to tune her. I shall not linger long in exile's pain. Fulfill my dream, O Jesus, since I sigh of love to die. A few days later, Therese grew worse, and on July 30 she received extreme unction. Radiant with delight, the little victim of love said to us, The door of my dark prison is a jar. I am steeped in joy, since our Father Superior has assured me that today my soul is like unto that of a little child after baptism. No doubt she thought she was quickly a white-robed band of the holy innocents. She little knew that two months long of martyrdom had still to run their course. Dear mother, she said, I entreat you. Give me leave to die. Let me offer my life for such and such an attention, naming it to the prioress. And when the permission was refused, she replied, Well, I know that just at this moment our Lord has such a longing for a tiny bunch of grapes, which no one will give him, that he will come and steal it. I do not ask anything. This would be to stray from my path of self-surrender. I only beseech our lady to remind her Jesus of the title of Thief, which he takes to himself in the Gospels, so that he may not forget to come and carry me away. One day, Sore Therese took an ear of corn from a sheaf they had brought her. It was so laden with grain that it bent on its stock. And after gazing upon it for some time, she said to the mother that ear of corn is the image of my soul. God has loaded it with graces for me and for many others. And it is my dearest wish ever to bend beneath the weight of God's gifts, acknowledging that all comes from Him. She was right. Her soul was indeed laden with graces, and it was easy to discern the Spirit of God speaking His praises out of the mouth of that innocent child. Had not this Spirit of Truth already dictated these words to the great Teresa let those souls who have reached to perfect union with God hold themselves in high esteem with a humble and holy presumption. Let them keep unceasingly before their eyes the remembrance of the good things they have received, and beware of the thought that they are practicing humility in not recognizing the gifts of God. Is it not clear that the constant remembrance of gifts bestowed serves to increase the love of the giver? How can he who ignores the riches he possesses spend others? But the above was not the only occasion on which the little Teresa of Lisieux gave utterance to words that proved prophetic. Footnote. When asked before her death how they should pray to her in heaven, so Teresa, with her wanted simplicity, made answer, you will call me little Teresa, petite Teresa. And at Gallipoli, on the occasion of her celebrated apparition in the Carmel there, when the prioress, taking her to be St. Teresa of Avila, addressed her as our Holy Mother, the visitor, adopting her then official title, replied, Nay, I am not our Holy Mother, I am the servant of God, so Teresa of Lisieux. This, her own name of so Teresa, has been retained in the present edition, unless it was advisable to set down her name in full, Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus and of the Holy Face. The name of the little flower, borrowed by her from the blessed Saint Bernard, and used so extensively in the pages of her manuscript, is the one by which she is best known in English-speaking lands, editor, and footnote. In the month of April, 1895, while she was still in excellent health, she said in confidence to one of the older nuns, I shall die soon, I do not say that it will be in a few months, but in two or three years at most, I know it because of what is taking place in my soul. The novices betrayed surprise when she read their inmost thoughts. This is my secret, she said to them, I never reprimand you without first invoking our blessed Lady, and asking her to inspire me as to what will be most for your good. And I am often astonished myself at the things I teach you. At such times, I feel that I make no mistake, and that it is Jesus who speaks by my lips. During her illness, one of her sisters had experienced some moments of acute amounting almost to discouragement at the thought of the inevitable parting. Immediately afterwards she went to the infirmary, but was careful not to let any sign of grief be seen. What was her surprise when Therese, in a sad and serious tone, thus addressed her? We ought not to weep like those who have no hope. One of the mothers, having come to visit her, did her a trifling service. How happy I should be, thought the mother, if this angel would only say I will repay you in heaven. At that instant, Therese, turning to her, said Mother, I will repay you in heaven. But more surprising than all was her consciousness of the mission for which our Lord had destined her. The veil which hides the future seemed lifted, and more than once she revealed to us its secrets, in prophecies which have already been realized. I have never given the good God ought but love. It is with love he will repay. Under my death, I will let fall a shower of roses. At another time, she interrupted a sister who was speaking to her of the happiness of heaven by the sublime words, it is not that which attracts me. And what attracts you, asked the other. Oh, it is love, to love, to be beloved, and to return to earth to win love for our love. One evening, she welcomed Mother Agnes of Jesus with an extraordinary expression of joy. Later, she said, some notes from a concert far away have just reached my ears, and have made me think that soon I shall be listening to the wondrous melodies of paradise. The thought, however, gave me but a moment's joy. One hope alone makes my heart beat fast. The love that I shall receive and the love I shall be able to give. I feel that my mission is soon to begin. My mission to make others love God as I love him. To each soul is my little way. I shall be able to rejoice in doing good upon earth. Nor is this impossible since the very heart of the beatific vision, the angels keep watch over us. No, there can be no rest for me until the end of the world. But when the angels shall say, time is no more, then I shall rest, then I shall be able to rejoice because the number of the elect will be complete. And what is this little way that you would teach to souls? It is the way of spiritual childhood, the way of trust and absolute self-surrender. I want to point out to them the means that I have always found so perfectly successful. To tell them that there is but one thing to do here below. We must offer Jesus the flowers of little sacrifices and win him by a caress. That is how I have won him and that is why I shall be made so welcome. Should I guide you wrongly by my little way of love, she said to a novice, do not fear that I shall allow you to continue therein. I should soon come back to earth and tell you to take another road. If I do not return, then believe in the truth of these my words. We can never have too much confidence in the good God. He is so mighty, so merciful, as we hope in him so shall we receive. On the eve of the feast of our Lady of Mount Carmel, a novice said to her, I think that if you were to die tomorrow after Holy Communion I should be quite consoled. It would be such a beautiful death. Therese answered quickly, die after Holy Communion upon a great feast. Nay, not so. In my little way everything is most ordinary. All that I do, little souls must be able to do likewise. And to one of her missionary brothers she wrote, what draws me to my heavenly home is the summons of my Lord, together with the hope that at length I shall love him as my heart desires and shall be able to make him loved by a multitude throughout eternity. In another letter to China, I trust fully that I shall not remain idle in heaven. My desire is to continue my work for the church and for souls. I ask this of God and I am convinced he will hear my prayer. You see that if I quit the battlefield so soon, it is not from a selfish desire of repose. For a long time now, suffering has been my heaven here upon earth and I can hardly conceive how I shall be acclimatized to a land that is unmixed with sorrow. Jesus will certainly have to work a complete change in my soul, else I could never support the ecstasies of paradise. It was quite true suffering had become her heaven upon earth. She welcomed it as we do happiness. When I suffer much, she would say, when something painful or disagreeable happens to me, instead of a melancholy look, I answer by a smile. At first I did not always succeed, but now it has made me glad to have acquired. A certain sister entertained doubts concerning the patience of Therese. One day, during a visit, she remarked that the invalids face were an expression of unearthly joy and she sought to know the reason. It is because the pain is so acute just now. Therese replied, I have always forced myself to love suffering and to give it a glad welcome. Why are you so bright this morning? asked mother Agnes of Jesus. Because of two things, one gives me little joys like little crosses. And another time, you have had many trials today? Yes, but I love them. I love all the good God sends me. Your sufferings are terrible. No, they are not terrible. Can a little victim of love find anything terrible that is sent by her spouse? Each moment he sends me what I am able to bear and nothing more. And if he increased the pain, my strength is increased as well. But I could never bear greater sufferings. I am too little a soul. They would then be of my own choice. I should have to bear them all without him and I have never been able to do anything when left to myself. Thus spoke that wise and prudent virgin on her deathbed and her lamp filled to the brim with the oil of virtue burned brightly to the end. If, as the Holy Spirit reminds us in the book of Proverbs, a man's doctrine is proved by his patience. Footnote, cross reference Proverbs 19, verse 11. And footnote, those who have heard her may well believe in her doctrine, for she has proved it by a patience no test could overcome. At each visit, the doctor expressed his admiration. If only you knew what she has to endure. I have never seen anyone suffer so intensely with such a look of supernatural joy. I shall not be able to cure her. She was not made for this earth. In view of her extreme weakness, he ordered some strengthening remedies. Therese was at first distressed because of their cost, but afterwards she admitted, I am no longer troubled at having to take those expensive remedies, for I have read that when they were given to Saint Gertrude she was gladdened by the thought that it would read down to the good of our benefactors. Since our Lord himself has said whatever you do to the least of my little ones, you do unto me. Matthew 25, verse 49. I am convinced that medicines are powerless to cure me, she added, but I have made a covenant with God that the poor missionaries who have neither time nor means to take care of themselves may profit thereby. She was much moved by the constant gifts of flowers made to her by her friends outside the convent, and again by the visits of a sweet little red breast that loved to play about her bed. She saw in these things the hand of God. Mother, I feel deeply the many touching proofs of God's love for me. I am laden with them. Nevertheless, I continue in the deepest gloom. I suffer much, very much, and yet my state is one of profound peace. All my longings have been realized. I am full of confidence. Shortly afterwards she told me this touching little incident. One evening during the great silence the infomerian brought me a hot water bottle for my feet and put tincture of iodine on my chest. I was in a burning fever and parched with thirst, and while in these remedies I could not help saying to our Lord, my Jesus, thou seest I am already burning, and they have brought me more heat and fire. Oh, if they had brought me even half a glass of water, what a comfort it would have been. My Jesus, thy little child is so thirsty, but she is glad to have this opportunity of resembling thee more closely, and thus helping thee to save souls. The infomerian soon left me, knowing morning. What was my surprise when she returned a few minutes later with a refreshing drink? It has just struck me that you may be thirsty, she said, so I shall bring you something every evening. I looked at her astounded, and when I was once more alone, I melted into tears. Oh, how good Jesus is, how tender and loving, how easy it is to reach his heart. On September 6, the little spouse of Jesus received a touching proof of the loving thought of his sacred heart. She had frequently expressed a wish to possess a relic of her special patron, the venerable Theophane Venard, but as her desire was not realized, she said no more. She was quite overcome, therefore, when Mother Priarist brought her the long foretreasure, received that very day. She kissed it repeatedly and would not consent to part with it. It may be asked why she was so devoted to this young martyr. She herself explained the reason in an affectionate interview with her own researchers. Theophane Venard is a little saint. His life was not marked by anything extraordinary. He had an ardent devotion to our immaculate mother and a tender love of his own family. Dwelling on these words, she added, and I too love my family with a tender love. I fail to understand those saints who do not share my feelings. As a parting gift, I have copied for you some passages from his last letter's home. His soul and mine have many points of resemblance, and his words do but re-echo my thoughts. We give here a copy of that letter, which one might have believed was composed by Therese herself. I can find nothing on earth that can make me truly happy. The desires of my heart are too vast, and nothing of what the world calls happiness can satisfy it. Time for me will soon be no more. My thoughts are fixed on eternity. My heart is full of peace, like a tranquil lake or a cloudless sky. Do not regret this life on earth. I thirst for the waters of life eternal. Yet a little while and my soul will have quitted this earth, will have finished her exile, will have ended her combat. I go to heaven. I am about to enter the abode of the blessed, to see what the eye hath never seen, to hear what the ear hath never heard. To enjoy those things the heart of man hath not conceived. I have reached the hour so coveted by us all. It is indeed true that our Lord chooses the little ones to confound the great ones of this earth. I do not rely upon my own strength but upon him who, on the cross, vanquished the powers of hell. I am a spring flower which the Divine Master calls for his pleasure. We are all flowers, planted on this earth, and God will gather us in his own good time, some sooner, some later. I, little flower of one day, am the first to be gathered, but we shall meet again in paradise, where lasting joy will be our portion. Sister Teresa of the Child Jesus, using the words of the Angelic Martyr, Theophane Benard. Toward the end of September, when something was repeated to her that had been said at recreation, concerning the responsibility of those who have care of souls, she seemed to revive a little and gave utterance to these beautiful words. To him that is little, mercy is granted. Wisdom 6, Verse 7 He does not say to judge, but to save. As time went on, the tide of suffering rose higher and higher, and she became so weak, that she was unable to make the slightest movement without assistance. Even to hear anyone whisper in the most responsible position, and is it not written that, at the last day, the Lord will arise to save the meek and lowly ones of the earth? Footnote, cross reference Psalm 75, 76, Verse 10, and footnote. Even to hear anyone whisper increased her discomfort, and the fever and oppression were so extreme that it was with the greatest difficulty she was able to articulate a word, and yet a sweet smile was always on her lips. Her only fear was less she should give her sisters any extra trouble, and until two days before her death she would never allow anyone to remain with her during the night. However, in spite of her entreaties, the Infomerian would visit her from time to time. On one occasion she found Therese with hands joined and eyes raised to heaven. What are you doing? She asked. You ought to try to go to sleep. I cannot, sister. I am suffering too much. So I am praying. And what do you say to Jesus? I say nothing. I only love him. Oh, how good God is! She sometimes exclaimed. Truly, he must be very good to give me strength to bear all I have to suffer. One day she said to the mother Priarist, Mother, I would like to be known to you the state of my soul, but I cannot. I feel too much overcome just now. In the evening Therese sent her these lines written in pencil with a trembling hand. Oh, my God! How good thou art to the little victim of thy merciful love! Now, even when thou joinest these bodily pains to those of my soul, I cannot bring myself to say, The anguish of death hath encompassed me. Footnote, cross-reference Psalm 17, 18, verse 5, and footnote. I rather cry out in my gratitude. I have gone down into the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no evil, because thou, O Lord, art with me. Footnote, cross-reference Psalm 22, 23, verse 4, and footnote. Her little mother said to her, Some think that you are afraid of death. That may easily come to pass, she answered. I do not rely on my own feelings, for I know I am. It will be time enough to bear that cross if it comes. Meantime, I wish to rejoice in my present happiness. When the chaplain asked me if I was resigned to die, I answered, Father, I need rather to be resigned to live. I feel nothing but joy at the thought of death. Do not be troubled, dear mother, if I suffer much and show no sign of happiness at the end. Did not our Lord himself die a victim of love, and see how great was his agony? At last it was on the eternal day. It was Thursday, September 30, 1897. In the morning the sweet victim, her eyes fixed on our lady's statue, spoke thus of her last night on earth. Oh, with what fervor I have prayed to her, and yet it has been pure agony, without a ray of consolation. Earth's air is failing me. When shall I breathe the air of heaven? For weeks she had been unable to raise herself in bed, but at half-past afternoon she sat up and exclaimed, Dear mother, the chalice is full to overflowing. I could never have believed that it was possible to suffer so intensely. I can only explain it by my extreme desire to save souls. And a little while after, yes, all that I have written about my thirst for suffering is really true. I do not regret having surrendered myself to love. She repeated these last words several times. A little later she added, Mother, prepare me to die well. The good mother prioris encouraged her with these words. My child, you are quite ready to appear before God, for you have always understood the virtue of humility. Then, in striking words, Therese bore witness to herself. Yes, I feel it. My soul has ever sought the truth. I have understood the humility of heart. At half-past four her agony began. The agony of this victim of divine love. When the community gathered around her, she thanked them with a sweetest smile, and then, completely given over to love and suffering, the crucifix clasped in her failing hands, she entered on the final combat. The sweat of death lay heavy on her brow. She trembled, but as a pilot, when close to harbor, is not dismayed by the fury of the storm, so this soul, strong in faith, saw close at hand the beacon lights of heaven, and valiantly put forth every effort to reach the shore. As the convent bells rang the evening angelus, she fixed an inexpressible look upon the statue of the Immaculate Virgin, the star of the sea. Was it not the moment to repeat her beautiful prayer? O thou who came as to smile on me in the mourn of my life, come once again and smile, mother, for now it is even tied. Footnote. From the last poem written by Sor Therese. And footnote. A few minutes after seven, turning to the priorus, the poor little martyr asked, is it not the agony? Am I not going to die? Yes, my child, it is the agony, but Jesus perhaps wills that it be prolonged for some hours. In a sweet and plaintive voice, she replied, ah, very well then, very well. I do not wish to suffer less. Then, looking at her crucifix, oh, I love him, my God, I love thee. These were her last words. She had scarcely uttered them when, to our great surprise, she sank down quite suddenly, her head inclined a little to the right, in the attitude of the virgin martyrs offering themselves to the sword, or rather, as a victim of love, awaiting from the divine archer the fiery shaft, by which she longs to die. Suddenly she raised herself, as though called by a mysterious voice, and opening her eyes, which shown with unutterable happiness and peace, fixed her gaze a little above the statue of our lady. Thus she remained for about the space of a credo, when her blessed soul, now become the prey of the divine eagle, was born away to the heights of heaven. A few days before her death, this little saint had said, the death of love which I so much desire is that of Jesus upon the cross. Her prayer was fully granted, darkness enveloped her, and her soul was steeped in anguish, and yet, may we not apply to her also that sublime prophecy of Saint John of the Cross, referring to souls consumed by the fire of divine love. They die victims of the onslaughts of love, and raptured ecstasies, like the swan whose song grows sweeter as death draws nigh. Wherefore the psalmist declared, precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints. Psalm 115, 116, verse 15. For then it is the rivers of love that burst forth from the soul, and are overwhelmed in the ocean of divine love. No sooner had her spotless soul taken its flight than the joy of that last rapture imprinted itself on her brow, and a radiant smile illumined her face. We placed a palm branch in her hand, and the lilies and roses that adorned her in death were figures of her white robe of baptism made red by her martyrdom of love. On the Saturday and Sunday a large crowd passed before the grating of the nun's chapel to gaze on the mortal remains of the little flower of Jesus. Hundreds of medals and rosaries were brought to touch the little queen as she lay in the triumphant beauty of her last sleep. On October 4, the day of the funeral, they are gathered in the chapel of the Carmel, a goodly company of priests. The honor was surely due to one who had prayed so earnestly for those called to that sacred office. After a last solemn blessing, this grain of priceless wheat was cast into the furrow by the hands of Holy Mother Church. Who shall tell how many ripened ears have sprung forth since? How many the sheaves that are yet to come? Amen, amen I say to you, unless the grain of wheat falling into the ground die itself remaineth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. John 12 v. 24, 25 Once more, the word of the divine reaper has been magnificently fulfilled, the prioris of the Carmel. End of the Epilogue End of the story of the soul, the autobiography of St. Therese of LeSue, translated by Thomas Taylor.