The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute takes an in-depth look at the Republican Party and breaks them down into 10 distinct types.
Cartoon Transcript (some say the voices are heard to hear)
VO: Today's Republican Party is quite diverse
And spans all walks of life.
So grab a chair and sit right down,
As we break them down into ten basic types.
If you ask Mr. Money Bags about the meaning of life
He'll say "Ain't a damn thing funny"
Because the only thing that's important to him is
"Where's the money? Where's the money? Gimme the money."
This millionaire cum billionaire
Who favors low low tax rates
Wants to keep his wealth all to himself
Not support public programs he hates.
"To hell with the lower classes", he says
"Those people are all worthless cogs!"
"I need to buy mink-fur-lined toilet seats"
And diamond jewelry for all of my dogs!"
He also hates the inheritance tax
"This policy I oppose!"
Because his spoiled daughter needs every last cent
To snort it all up her nose.
Mr. Warhawk's idea of diplomacy
Is yelling "Let's solve everything with war!"
Just as long as his kids aren't in the army you see
And it's made up of the brown and the poor.
He thinks he's a military genius, too
Smarter than Sun Tzu and ol' Colin Powell
Even though his only military training's from
Watching "Red Dawn" staring C. Thomas Howell
Mr. Bibleton is a born again Christian
Just like his best buddy the prez
And they're both devout believers in Christ
Only...Not so much in what he says
Jesus' words of helping the poor and needy
Are all right there in the Bible
But if you ask if he believes it's true he'll say
"Um... I believe that might be a typo"
They care not 'bout Aids in Africa
Or spreading love in the world today.
What issue are they most concerned about?
"Makin' sure the TV don't turn us gay"
And here's Mr. Contrarian
He hates liberal causes and cases
If you say Global Warming melts the polar ice caps
They'll say "No it isn't" til they're blue in the faces
He's often on Yahoo news message boards
Typing in all caps and in the dark
Or perhaps you'll find him in Hollywood
Writing plot lines for South Park
Mr. NRA likes guns more than people
That's why (boom boom boom boom)
And he (boom boom boom boom boom)
(boom boom boom boom boom)
...Even though most Americans support gun control
and banning cop-killer bullets.
In business school Mr. Frat learned that
Corporate group-think is always quite right.
Which explains why he's such a super fan
Of Dane Cook, Fox News and Coors Light
He hates affirmative action, though
For he feels it's a government gyp
"People should have get their own damn jobs in the world"
Like he did at his dad's hot tub dealership.
If forced to pick a political slogan, though
And choose a motto that fits
Mr. Frat would think for a moment and say
either "Woo-hoo!" or "Show us your tits!"
Mr. Log Cabin likes spending his time and money
Helping Republicans campaign to win
Even though most of the folks he's voting for
Think his existence is a mortal sin.
And why is he such a staunch supporter
Of a party that so hates his guts?
"Because achieving equal rights is less important
Than getting upper bracket tax cuts."
Then again, he may be a genius so
Let's take all of our criticism back.
For he knows if Republicans remain in charge
Gay soldiers can't be sent to Iraq.
Mr. Numbnuts is a hard working fellow
And though he ranks among the working poor
He consistently votes for a party that boasts
Of killing free health care on the Congressional floor
But is he angry with these rich old men
Who say they'll never raise his minimum wage?
Well, not while there's plenty of beer and wrestling
To channel all his misplaced rage.
The original minutemen risked their lives
Defending us from English imperial power
What are today's minutemen defending us from?
Busboys making three bucks an hour.
Some say they're dedicated patriots
And others, an over zealous mob
Irregardless someday it'll be more cost effective
To hire an illegal to do their job.
And last is an Eisenhower Republican
He's a fan of fiscal restraint
He's also cautious with military intervention
He knows what's a war and what ain't.
He's a thoughtful, decent, honest man
Who thinks that in order to win
You must be a moderate who unites all people
And...Whu-oh, looks like there's no room for him.
Yes, the Republican party's an intriguing quilt
of politics, personalities and...(rat-a-tat-tat-tat!)
All housed together under one giant insane circus tent.