 Hello there, my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back to my channel. Thanks so much for joining me here today. I really appreciate it. Today has been, today has been a day. And I wanted to talk to you guys about what I think is one of the most bizarre parts of being an amputee, of this whole amputation journey that I've been on because I've really been experiencing it a lot lately. In the past few weeks, I have had incredible moments. Being able to bike long distances, like I got up, I got up this morning, I got on my bike, I rode like six miles. It was the best record I had. I felt freaking awesome. And yesterday, yesterday morning, I got up and I walked almost three miles and then I was able to walk the rest of the day. Like it was just, it was fantastic. And I started feeling like, oh my God, this is why I did this. I'm able to start doing things again. This is like my soul. It makes my soul so happy. I feel capable, I feel confident, I feel awesome. And then something happened and the emotional roller coaster that is this journey became very amplified. So before we fully dive in, I just wanna thank all my patrons over on Patreon for sponsoring this video. You guys are amazing and I truly, truly appreciate all the support you give me. If you're interested in joining that community, the link is up on screen or you can check it out down below and see what that's all about. But without further ado, yeah, let's talk about today. Okay, so like I said, I've had a couple really awesome physical days where I've been able to do a lot. The ramifications of like pain and soreness afterwards have not been that bad. My prosthesis has been working really well. It's just been, it's been awesome. And there were a few things I had to go out and do today. And lately I've been wearing my prosthetic leg pretty much all day at home from like the time I get up to take the dogs outside to, you know, working or doing anything I need to do because it's feeling good. It finally starts to feel like it's almost like a part of my body. It's great, it's awesome. It makes me very excited. But then I was trying to actually get it on after the bike because like I talked about in the biking Peloton video, I'll link that up above if you haven't seen it. I have to like unscrew my foot from one socket. I have to screw it in another socket and the how it attaches to my body changes in those two situations. So I was switching it back over to my walking leg and I couldn't get it to seal. So every time I took a step, it hissed air out and that means that it's not actually like attaching to me. And the reason why that's a big problem is because it's not holding your leg the way that it should. And so it can cause like pistoning in your leg where you are like rubbing up against the carbon fiber socket in a bad way. It can cause issues. It also feels unstable. It doesn't feel good to walk that way because I can feel that it's not on me. And this has happened before. Okay, no big deal. Usually there's like a hole in the sleeve or something like that, except that I actually changed the sleeve yesterday. And so I double checked it and that wasn't the case. There was no hole. So I tried, you know, moving things around. I tried putting it on, taking it off a few times. And I felt this irrational rage mounting inside of me as I'm trying to get it to work because I had to get started on work. I had things I had to do. I had errands. I had to go run and I needed a leg. I needed to be able to walk and I couldn't. I just, I couldn't figure it out. I still don't know what's going on. I've set aside some time tonight to like figure out what the heck is going on with it. But at a certain point, because of time restrictions, I had to just give up and realize that I was gonna have to go this day on crutches and the eye walk. And those are great tools, but they are very temporary and not nearly as good as being able to walk on my own two feet. And I got really, really upset, perhaps more upset than I should have, than I expected myself to be. I was so mad that I couldn't get this to work, that I couldn't walk, that I'd have to go back to my old tools. But I wouldn't think it'd be that big of a deal because I've used those tools, like crutches and the eye walk for months on end, as I was trying to get to this point where I could wear my prosthetic. But for me, I realized what was coming up is there's just this slingshot effect when it comes to amputation of feeling like you're on top of the world, like you're a frickin' rock star, like you can do anything, like you're accomplishing so much. And then in a heartbeat, that changes to feeling stuck and slow and disabled. I don't feel disabled, but I felt disabled today. I felt held back by my body. I was very aware of my limitations. As I've been able to adjust to my prosthetic leg, I feel like it started to become a part of my life. It started to become something that I'm adjusted to, that I know how to work with it, that kind of feels like a part of my body, which is awesome, it's great. But realizing that at any point that can come to a halting stop because it's not really a part of my body, it's equipment, it needs repairs, it needs work done on it, it needs pieces and parts changed, and sometimes I don't know what's going on with it, and I can't use it. And then I'm back to where I started of being on crutches and not having a leg. And this happens during this journey, this weird slingshot. It's this bizarre teeter-totter of emotions where one moment you're on top of the world and you're capable and you're doing things and then the next moment you are down in the dumps because you cannot rely on your leg, you don't have any more. Now you're back on crutches or in a wheelchair. Your plans for the day go out the window because your equipment is not working right and then I am reminded that I am different. I am reminded that life is complicated. I am reminded of my own limitations and I'm a big fan of pushing limitations in a healthy way of doing as much as you can, of challenging any camps in your head, right? But there are gonna be points at which you have to take a step back and say, okay, I can't do this today. And today was a day I couldn't wear my prosthetic. And in the grand scheme of things, that's fine, but it's so funny to me that it comes right in the wake of like the best bike ride I ever had, like feeling confident and strong and capable and I'm moving forward and I'm doing things and, oh wait, I actually cannot, I can't do anything today. I can't do anything that I wanted to do that I planned on doing. Everything is gonna take a lot more energy and be more difficult and I think that's one of the hardest parts is using a prosthetic leg. Your body uses more energy to walk on it, but you can kind of adjust to that. But going back to an eye walk or crutches, everything takes twice as long and is a lot slower and more arduous. Like I was gonna clean my house tonight and I did a few minutes of that, but it's hard to do when I don't have two legs. And I know that I'm gonna figure it out. I know that I'm gonna be able to walk. I know that I'm gonna continue moving forward. I don't have serious questions about that, but it is so weird to be so high and then so low. And I imagine as this journey goes along, I will adjust to that and I will realize that that is also part of the normal and it won't have such a violent emotional effect on me, but it is odd. It's an emotional roller coaster and I am still adjusting to living within this particular theme park. It's challenging. This whole situation reminds me of a post I saw the other day from a fantastic Paralympic swimmer. She's absolutely incredible. Her Instagram profile is right here. Please go check her out. But she posted about someone calling her out, taking up a handicap spot because she was wearing pants that day and they couldn't see that she had two prosthetic legs and that's never a fun situation when people are unkind to you over parking in a handicap spot when you do deserve that handicap spot. But she said that someone then asked her, you're a Paralympic athlete. Why would you need a handicap parking spot? And then she goes into all these details of, yes, I'm really good in the water, but here's the thing. My legs really start hurting throughout the day or I get sores or blisters or sometimes I can't sleep at night because my legs are so exhausted and so restless from all the extra strain on them. And when it comes to social media and people sharing their stories, you generally only see a very specific side of it when it comes to amputees. For the most part, the images that were shown are people accomplishing incredible things and what it takes to get there is not always discussed, pointed out. You know, the daily emotional roller coaster that it can be and how many factors come into play and I think more than anything, the amazing amount of energy that it takes to live like this and to adjust to it continues to be a surprise to me. This is something I wanted to share because I know that so many of you out there are facing amputation or have recently gone through amputation or have no tied amputation whatsoever but still can relate to this based on something else in your life. And this is an incredible journey and I'm very grateful for where I am. I am so, so grateful to be where I am right now and not where I was a year ago. I'm very grateful to have made this decision so I'm able to start doing things again in my life that I love but man, it is a crazy roller coaster. It is weird to go from so high to so low so quickly and to be wrestling with those feelings of feeling incapable and physically worthless is the wrong word but like just stuck, just crippled or disabled. I don't think of myself that way. I don't feel that way but then these moments hit where it's all I can feel for a few minutes and I'm still working on how to balance that out on how to deal with that in a healthy way and how to lower the emotional toll that these things have on me. I think I'm still very much adjusting to the fact that this is my reality now. It's gonna take a little extra energy. It's gonna be unpredictable. Sometimes my equipment, AKA my leg, is not gonna work right. It's gonna break. It's gonna need changes or fixes or updates or whatever and that's part of the journey. It might be a challenging part of the journey but it's a part of it. Have you ever experienced anything like this where you just have this slingshot of emotions? I feel like sometimes it ricochets against the walls in my brain like 18 times of feeling amazing and capable and feeling like I'm nothing and can't do anything and it happens so quickly in the course of a day. Sometimes many times in the course of a day, it's very weird. So let me know if you can relate down below or any comments or thoughts you have. I love hearing from you guys. Thank you again to my patrons for seriously making these videos possible. I cannot express how much you guys mean to me and how thankful I am for you. So thanks guys to you watching this video right now. Thank you for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me. Time is such a valuable resource and it means the world to me that you chose to spend a few minutes here with me. You could be anywhere in the world doing anything. So thank you. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys. Bye.