 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Do I got a great story for you today? What is up, everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul, where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health, so make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. So, I am so happy. Like, I am starting a new playlist, and this, this video right here is the first video in my new playlist about hashtag Rewired Soldier success stories, all right? So a little backstory for those of you who are a little bit newer. A few weeks ago, myself and my beautiful girlfriend started a Facebook group called the Rewired Soldier Mental Health Support Group. So a lot of you asked me questions and all of that, and come to the support group, because I never want all of you to rely on me. There's a lot of things that I don't have experience with. I get busy, so this support group, which has over 200 members now, people can chat and talk, and we talk about problems and focus on the solutions and everything. So it is a private group and whatever set in that group stays in that group. So with this story I'm about to share with you. I actually asked her if she was okay with me sharing this if I left it anonymous and she was cool with it. So don't worry if you join the group. I'm not just gonna go around making videos on everything that goes on in there, but if there's something inspirational that I think might inspire others, you best believe I'm gonna ask you if I could talk about it. Anyways, if you're like, Chris, how do I join Facebook group? It's always in the description and I usually pin it in the comment too. So make sure that you go check it out, join, and answer the questions. We have like seven or eight people pending in there because they haven't answered the entry questions, okay? And for all of you who are like, but I don't use Facebook, make a fake account, make it for your dog or your cat or put some weird name, just make an account and join the Facebook group. Don't over complicate this thing, okay? Get the help and support you need. Quit being stubborn. All right, so anyways, the other day I saw this post. Now, I don't get to reply to all the posts. I don't even see all the posts because it's a pretty active group, but it's good because everybody supports each other. But I did happen to see this post and it says, I almost split with my husband of 12 years today. He had had enough of my quote unquote laziness as he put it. He feels like I'm not doing things to help our situation. I'm out of work and have been for a few months. I've become depressed and things were just getting harder and harder. He has been supportive of me and my mental health has been improving again these past couple of weeks and I've been much more active. But the thing is, it has got too much for him. And today he blew up and is seriously considering leaving me. This has been an issue in the past for us. There were times when I was out of work but I have just got my master's degree a year ago. I've worked two jobs in the past year in my field but my most recent was just a six month contract. I understand where he's coming from. This isn't just an issue from these past three months but I am absolutely devastated. I don't want to lose the progress with my mental health but I'm losing hope of everything. Please help. I don't know what to do about any of this. So how many of you can relate to that? I know I could. So like because I could relate to that I decided to reply. So my reply basically said this and I'm gonna kind of break it down a little bit. All right. So I said, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through that. I've been out of work and depressed many times before. And yeah, that's because I have been a drug addict, alcoholic, lost a ton of jobs. I've had to have my girlfriends support me, friends support me, all those things, right? Like I've been through this. So I asked you, I said on a scale of one to 10 how much effort have you put into finding work in the last few months? I only asked this because typically the other person is more upset about the effort rather than the results but I may be wrong in your situation. So this is, this is what I do, right? And this is what I need people to do for me. So the reason I asked this is because from my experience I have been in this situation and I'm like, oh my God, like they're just, they're so mad at me. I can't control, I can't control whether or not, you know, people hire me or what kind of jobs are out there or this or this. Like, and I would just get really defensive. I would get into a pity party and it's just you're being mean to me, leave me alone, I'm struggling too, right? So I asked her, I was like on a scale of one to 10 how much effort have you put into this? Like something that I was taught a long time ago, I mentioned this in a video I think about anger management was that, you know, I was taught like whenever stuff like this is happening and disputes or arguments, especially with a significant other, it's like, what's my part in this? Do they have any reason to be upset with me, right? So then I said to her, if you're putting in the effort and he's upset, I'd apologize that he's stressed as well but you two will get through it together. It's important for him to remember that you have little control over the result but you do have control over the effort. If the effort is a struggle, let me know and I have some suggestions. So this is the thing, I didn't know what was going on completely so I wanted to make sure I touched on two things but some of you might be in this situation. And like I said, from my experience, from my experience, the other person is more upset about the effort and not the results and that's where I think a lot of people get messed up. A lot of people get messed up because I used to think that. I think I've mentioned it before. I thought my kid's mom hated me because of my drug addiction and alcohol addiction. No, she hated me because I was irresponsible. I was lazy. I never showed up on time. I would follow through. Like those were the reasons she didn't like me, right? So like I had to figure that out and work on those things and now we have an amazing relationship. So yeah, but if you are in this relationship and the other person is upset about that, like you just let them know, like, sorry, this is what I can and can't control, right? This is something we also have to tell ourselves because I get it, especially when you're in a relationship, like I just talked about me and Tristan having some stress in my last video about us moving and like something that we do to bring each other back down or even when I'm venting to her about YouTube and the algorithm and all that, it's like, what is in my control? What is not in my control? And the one thing, the one thing that we can control is our effort. We can't control results. We can barely control our mental health and our emotions. But if we can start working on focusing on how much of our effort we can control, you'll start to see that your life gets a whole lot easier. So she replied with a whole list of things, right? When I asked her about the effort, she gave me a whole list of things and here's something that I try to help people do when I'm talking with them and working with them because I have a brain that gets overwhelmed. It throws everything at me at once, like, oh, I gotta move soon. Oh, I got bills to pay. Oh, my son, oh, my girlfriend, okay. And it all wants to come together at once. And if you have anxiety like me and if you get overwhelmed like me, that is not a good situation. So we gotta start separating things, right? So she talked about something that she can't even do until she gets a job, right? But she also talked about going to the gym and focusing on her physical health and cleaning up the house. So what I suggested to her, and this is something I suggest to all of you too, if you can relate to this, is this. I said, like, cut this stuff down into segments, okay? So if you're unemployed, if you're unemployed, like, break this thing down. So I said, like, dedicate two hours to job hunting, two hours to cleaning the house, and two hours to working out, right? So like, this is also a neurological hack for anybody who struggles with depression. If you give yourself small, obtainable goals and you follow through with them, you will naturally start to feel better. Your brain shoots out dopamine every time you accomplish a goal. So if you set a schedule for yourself, so, okay, I'm gonna apply for jobs or look for jobs for this block of time, I'm gonna clean for this block of time, I'm gonna work out for this block of time, you're getting dopamine from each of those, okay? But anyways, anyways, I got the best message all day. Hi, Chris, I just wanted to message you to thank you. On Saturday I posted a quite for help to the Rewired Soul Group as my husband was ready to leave me. Your advice really helped me realize a few things. It's so weird because it made so much sense and for some reason I couldn't see it or the impact it was having on my husband's well-being. It was and still is, hard to come to terms with that, but it was the best thing that could have happened. I wrote a list of things I needed to make more of an effort in, applying for work, driving lessons, going to the gym, et cetera. And I wrote down what I was going to do to work on each of those things and I gave it to him. The things have been proved for us from thereafter, much talking these past five days. But I managed to get a job. Not in my field, but it's an income. I've been to the gym twice so far this week and we worked together to get the house organized. We're still working on some things, but we are finally starting to be clear, finally starting to clear the foggy mess we've been living in for too long. I just had to message you as I cannot thank you enough. So the first thing is I'm not making this video to say I have great advice. This is not me. This is all credit to her, okay? I give advice all day long and then you have a choice. Life is filled with choices. Whenever I make one of these videos, you have two choices, right? You can do what I suggest or you can take my suggestion and wipe your butt with it, right? So this isn't about me. I did nothing here except for just provide some suggestions. She did the work, okay? So that's important. When I help people, I look at the work that you're putting in. It doesn't have much to do with me. Like for example, that's just something I was taught when I started working on my own mental health. But anyways, one of the reasons I wanted to talk about this too is this is why therapy and support groups are the best thing for your mental health. When we are in a very emotional state, we don't see clearly and we often need other people with an outside perspective to say these things. And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. For example, if your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend or your mom or your dad says something, you might get defensive, you might get offended and this is because of just things that have happened in the past that are going on in your subconscious, right? But then somebody with an outside perspective says something and you take it a lot better than you would from somebody that close to you, right? So this is why you need to either A, start therapy, B, join the rewired soul Facebook group or C, do both of them, okay? Get outside opinions. So like I said, I left her anonymous in this thing but I am so, so, so proud and I wanna do this regularly. I wanna highlight rewired soldiers out there who are getting out of the problem into the solution. All right, so let me know down in the comments below. Do you have an issue getting offended like when some or defensive when somebody else like really close to you says something but you take that criticism or advice or whatever it is better from somebody else like a complete stranger. Let me know down in the comments because this is something that's always fascinated me. Before I let you go, I'll show my personal experience. If my mom or my sister says something to me, I take it way worse than if somebody else says it to me and that's something I had to work on a lot over the years. So let me know your experiences down below, all right? But anyways, be sure to join the Facebook group it's down in the description, all right? Don't forget to answer the questions, make a fake account on Facebook if you have to just so you can join our Facebook group, all right? All right, anyways, if you liked this video please give it a thumbs up if you're new make sure to subscribe and ring that notification bell because I make a ton of videos and a huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon, you're all amazing and I will be doing a Patreon Q and A very soon or answer your questions. So if you would like to be a part of that just click the top on that icon, sign up for as little as a buck a month, all right? Thanks again for watching, I'll see you next time.